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Hey Pandas, AITA For Not Personally Informing My Ex-Wife That My Current Partner Is Expecting?
I, a 37-year-old man, divorced my ex-wife, “Sophie” (36F), eight years ago after a tumultuous five-year marriage. We had our fair share of ups and downs, including a failed attempt at starting a family. Like many couples, we faced fertility issues, which of course, put a strain on our relationship. After three years of trying and countless visits to fertility clinics, we discovered that the problem wasn’t even medical. It was during this stressful period that Sophie admitted to having an emotional affair with a colleague, claiming the infertility struggles had taken a toll on her mental health over the years.
The revelation shattered our already fragile marriage, and in the end I chose to end it. Moving on was hard, but I eventually found happiness with my current partner, “Emma” (34), whom I met about four years post-divorce. Our relationship blossomed, and to our delight, we recently found out that Emma is pregnant.
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Emma is rather active on social media, thus she shared the news of the pregnancy publicly on her multiple accounts on Facebook and Instagram
Image credits: Kelly Sikkema (not the actual photo)
Sophie unfortunately managed to learn about this pregnancy not from me but through mutual friends who said they’ve seen the posts on social media posted by my current partner.
My ex-wife reached out, upset that I hadn’t personally informed her. She expressed how hurt she was, mentioning our past struggles and how this news reopened old wounds
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
Our conversation quickly escalated into an argument, with her accusing me of being insensitive to her feelings and accusing me of ‘rubbing it in her face’
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
Our shared circle of friends has been divided on the issue. Some believe I should have been more considerate and informed Sophie myself in private, given our history. Others agreed that I had no obligation to do so, as we’ve been divorced for years and have moved on with our lives. I’m left wondering if I was in the wrong for not extending that courtesy to Sophie, despite our strained past and the fact that we’ve both moved on. Could I have done things differently somehow? AITA?
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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What do you think ?
Brainmas 2 years ago (edited)
She is entitled to her feelings and I understand why she was hurt, however you have absolutely no obligation to tell an ex what's going on in your life when you don't have kids together. It's been 8 years! She needs to move on. Your girlfriend is excited and shared the news, that's her right as the pregnant person, and yours as well as the father. Reaching out to your ex to let her know you got your new girl pregnant would be super weird, and she probably would have been just as upset and made the same accusations.
Micah McDermott 2 years ago
NTA. Need you to remind her also of the affair she had that finally ended the marriage? Enjoy fatherhood!
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JelliTate 2 years ago
NTA. Your life now has nothing to do with your ex wife. Block her and enjoy your growing, happy family!
Ron Baza 2 years ago
Alas, this won’t help with regard to the people who have informed the ex about the pregnancy.
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R.C. 2 years ago
NTA. You don't owe an ex anything. "She expressed how hurt she was, mentioning our past struggles and how this news reopened old wounds." She then accused you of being insensitive to her feelings and accused you of ‘rubbing it in her face’. I'm pretty sure those exact phrases would have been thrown at you if you had told her. This was a no-win situation for you.
Libstak 2 years ago (edited)
My thoughts exactly, she was hurt at the news and would have been just as hurt and finding a way to make it about his "insensitivity" if he had told her. She would have accused him of contacting her to rub her face in it.
Load More Replies...
LeighAnne Brown-Pedersen 2 years ago
Seems like it all depends on what kind of residual relationship you have with your ex. Not that way! But if you have a small town, small community, or many common friends, her thoughts and feelings should be on maybe 5th on your radar (you, wife, yours and current partners family, etc). But if you aren’t close at all, her residual pain is and kind of should be her own. My husband and I tried for years and have no kids either. And I still get pangs of jealousy and sadness when other family and friends announce, but that pain is mine alone. She needs to come to terms with she could have moved on too. And what if she had a kid without you, you could have taken that as a slight implying it was your fault for the struggles. So…grain of salt… you and your current are all that matter in your long term.
Mike Fitzpatrick 2 years ago
Where does it stop? She insists you notify her of each event in the lives of you and your partner that you may have shared with her? That pretty absurd. You never bought ME an electric can opener, why didn't you tell me in person? I can understand raw nerves for a time, but 4 years? That's out there. The marriage has been over for quite some time and you certainly shouldn't have to "check in" periodically to give a former spouse updates on things going on in your present relationship. The former wife would probably benefit from counseling. You have nothing to either defend or apologize for.
Laura Grate 2 years ago
NTA at all- and I suspect had to called her to tell her, she’d have THEN called you on rubbing it in her face. Seems like you’d have been accused of being TA by this woman no matter what you did. Since you’re divorced and have been for almost a decade, it’s literally none of her business.
Lori T Wisconsin 2 years ago
They are your EX for a reason. You go live your life and enjoy it. None of her fricking business, is it?
Brainmas 2 years ago (edited)
She is entitled to her feelings and I understand why she was hurt, however you have absolutely no obligation to tell an ex what's going on in your life when you don't have kids together. It's been 8 years! She needs to move on. Your girlfriend is excited and shared the news, that's her right as the pregnant person, and yours as well as the father. Reaching out to your ex to let her know you got your new girl pregnant would be super weird, and she probably would have been just as upset and made the same accusations.
Micah McDermott 2 years ago
NTA. Need you to remind her also of the affair she had that finally ended the marriage? Enjoy fatherhood!
Load More Replies... JelliTate 2 years ago
NTA. Your life now has nothing to do with your ex wife. Block her and enjoy your growing, happy family!
Ron Baza 2 years ago
Alas, this won’t help with regard to the people who have informed the ex about the pregnancy.
Load More Replies... R.C. 2 years ago
NTA. You don't owe an ex anything. "She expressed how hurt she was, mentioning our past struggles and how this news reopened old wounds." She then accused you of being insensitive to her feelings and accused you of ‘rubbing it in her face’. I'm pretty sure those exact phrases would have been thrown at you if you had told her. This was a no-win situation for you.
Libstak 2 years ago (edited)
My thoughts exactly, she was hurt at the news and would have been just as hurt and finding a way to make it about his "insensitivity" if he had told her. She would have accused him of contacting her to rub her face in it.
Load More Replies... LeighAnne Brown-Pedersen 2 years ago
Seems like it all depends on what kind of residual relationship you have with your ex. Not that way! But if you have a small town, small community, or many common friends, her thoughts and feelings should be on maybe 5th on your radar (you, wife, yours and current partners family, etc). But if you aren’t close at all, her residual pain is and kind of should be her own. My husband and I tried for years and have no kids either. And I still get pangs of jealousy and sadness when other family and friends announce, but that pain is mine alone. She needs to come to terms with she could have moved on too. And what if she had a kid without you, you could have taken that as a slight implying it was your fault for the struggles. So…grain of salt… you and your current are all that matter in your long term.
Mike Fitzpatrick 2 years ago
Where does it stop? She insists you notify her of each event in the lives of you and your partner that you may have shared with her? That pretty absurd. You never bought ME an electric can opener, why didn't you tell me in person? I can understand raw nerves for a time, but 4 years? That's out there. The marriage has been over for quite some time and you certainly shouldn't have to "check in" periodically to give a former spouse updates on things going on in your present relationship. The former wife would probably benefit from counseling. You have nothing to either defend or apologize for.
Laura Grate 2 years ago
NTA at all- and I suspect had to called her to tell her, she’d have THEN called you on rubbing it in her face. Seems like you’d have been accused of being TA by this woman no matter what you did. Since you’re divorced and have been for almost a decade, it’s literally none of her business.
Lori T Wisconsin 2 years ago
They are your EX for a reason. You go live your life and enjoy it. None of her fricking business, is it?
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