Hey Pandas, AITA For Being Wary Of An Old Friend Who Wants To See My Baby?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
English is not my first language, and this is my first post, so I’m sorry for any flaws in the content.
I (F30) and my wife (30) have been together since 2015 and married since 2022. We have a newborn daughter and three dogs. We are a happy little family.
My wife, let’s call her Sandra, is very outgoing and easy to talk to. I’m more cautious and quiet.
Onto the story:
I have this friend (F30), whom I’ve known since elementary school. Let’s call her Lisa. We haven’t been in touch for 15 years. Lisa was bullied throughout her school life, and I was well-liked (not one of those “popular girls”, but the kind type who got along with everybody), so being Lisa’s friend protected her a lot from bullying.
She had lots of insecurities, and her coping mechanism was to copy my actions, style, and art (woodwork, drawing, things you had to do in school). It was irritating, but I felt compassion for her, so I let it slide and never said anything.
In high school, we drifted to different friend groups, and I started to date this emo-style girl. Suddenly, Lisa started to dress like the girl I dated, dyed and cut her hair similarly, and tried to alter her handwriting to be similar. It was weird, but I didn’t think about it too much at the time. We didn’t even talk that much; we’d greet each other in the halls, and I’d shut down nasty talks about her whenever I heard. So, I thought she was just finding herself and trying new things, but this was just her style of doing that (outright copying somebody else). You know teenagers, they do radical stuff.
After high school, I never met or heard about Lisa again and didn’t try to look for her on Facebook.
Fast forward to last summer, my wife and I were taking our dogs to swim at a local beach when this lady with three kids (all under 7, I think) suddenly stops me and says she knows me
Image credits: inonoyazy (not the actual photo)
I’m like, yes, that’s me, but I don’t recall who you are. The lady looks surprised and introduces herself as Lisa. She insists that we exchange phone numbers and get coffee sometime.
On the way home, I explain to my wife who Lisa is and that I’m not keen on seeing her or starting a new friendship. My wife insists that I need to start engaging with people more and that she would love to have new friends here (we live in a small town where I’m from, and Sandra doesn’t have many friends). I argue that it doesn’t feel right and Lisa is a bit odd, and I’m afraid that she’ll try to trauma dump all her bad experiences from childhood and find comfort from me, making it very awkward. My wife said I imagine too much and am a mean person if I just never text Lisa since she was so happy to see me.
So, we agree to meet at a coffee shop. We had one of our dogs with us (I insisted, so we’d have a solid reason if we had to cut the meeting short)
Image credits: kaboompics (not the actual photo)
At the coffee shop, Lisa is kind of nervous and doesn’t answer any questions my wife asks, so we end up keeping up the conversation mainly between me and my wife. We try to get Lisa involved by asking questions and talking about topics we imagine she’d be comfortable discussing. We find out she is married to a man she’s been with for 14 years, who plays a lot of video games and doesn’t like people.
After an hour or so, we decide it’s time to go, which seems to upset Lisa. As she walks with us toward the parking lot, she starts to blurt out all these bad things that happened to her in high school. She’s on the edge of tears as she tells how it all felt. I try to say that I hope everything is better now and that those bullies have hopefully grown up and won’t bother her anymore.
Then she starts talking about her dad: “You remember my dad? He wasn’t that great…” Her tears start dropping, and I just have to stop her. I say that I really don’t know about that, and I’m sorry she had a bad childhood and hope she is doing better now.
As I’m trying to change the subject, we get to our car and Sandra goes to walk the dog for a little while. Lisa is still kind of overwhelmed and seems like she doesn’t know how to proceed. I’m looking to get in the car to sit down (I was very pregnant at the time) and was waiting for her to realize that this was the time we’d part, but she just lingers. As my wife nears the car, Lisa blurts out that she had a big crush on me in high school. I was so uncomfortable and just said thanks and that’s flattering. Then I kind of waved at her, said I got to go, sat in the car, and was pleased my wife had noticed my discomfort, exchanged the mandatory pleasantries with Lisa, and drove us away.
On the way home, we discussed the meeting and were both kind of like, “WTF just happened?” My wife laughed about my prophecies being accurate and said it was weird to be treated like she didn’t even exist by Lisa. She wasn’t mad at her; she found the whole meeting funnily odd. I was adamant that I wouldn’t want that type of meeting ever again.
Time went by, and I thought maybe Lisa also realized the meeting was a disaster and we’d just ghost each other and move on with our lives, but no…
Image credits: Pexels (not the actual photo)
Today, I received a WhatsApp message from her wishing me a happy new year and wondering how we must be all about our baby now and asking if she could come to visit to see the baby.
I don’t want her here. I don’t want her in our home and to touch our baby. I’m afraid that she’ll just stick around all day and start trauma dumping again, and I don’t want to hear any of that. I even said to my wife that if she came, she’d probably change her looks to resemble my wife. Sandra said that’s a ridiculous and mean thing to say.
I didn’t respond to Lisa and asked my wife if I could just say something like, “Happy New Year to you too. We are happy about our baby, but we don’t accept any visitors.”
My wife said I’m silly about how I anticipate things to happen and that it might be a nice visit, and I should just let her come. I think my wife just wants to see me handle uncomfortable situations and eat popcorn while I struggle to be nice at the same time as I’m trying to get rid of somebody.
I have a hard time telling people no, and I would love to just ghost Lisa altogether, but my wife says that would be mean. AITA if I tell Lisa not to come?
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Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
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Trust your insticts. They were correct from the beginning. It's unlikely you can help this sad person but the situation will suck the life out of you. Tell Lisa you're sorry but you and your wife are hunkering down with the baby and aren't having visitors. The kindest thing to do is to either go full in and get her the help she clearly needs, or tell her you can't reconnect because . The most obvious white lie is that your wife is uncomfortable. That's not about Lisa and spares her feelings. Or a kind version of the truth... you're introverted and with the baby you're not able to be a friend right now.There is no happy ending here. It's a matter of making the least painful exit possible. I don't understand where your wife is coming from at all, but I'm old and have seen a lot. Maybe everybody has to live through the bitter reality of getting deep into a no-win situation before they recognize what it looks like while you're still scratching the surface. Sadly, we can't save everybody. I would be pained by your wife's response to offer you up to be Lisa's friend. You need to clearly communicate with her about how this makes you feel. If she says you're overreacting that's a red flag that needs to be addressed. Partners don't push each other into situations that feel icky or make your alarm bells ring. If I were you, I would put my energy into using this as an opportunity to strengthing your marriage rather than trying to save Lisa.
“I do not feel comfortable with Lisa. I do not feel safe with Lisa. I do not feel safe having Lisa around our baby. I do not feel safe having Lisa in our home.” Just keep repeating this, like a mantra, to yourself and to your wife. Also, it might be time to lockdown your social media and check what your web presence is (eg What information you have about yourself on LinkedIn, Google, etc).
Yes great point about the web information!
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Your Wife should be more understanding. You're the one unconfortable and dealing with this, so it's your decision. Please stand your ground and say no to the visit. Lisa doesn't seem to be over her crush and you shouldn't deal with all of this.
Wife reminds me of those well meaning people who tell their spouses to let abusive parents into their lives because “they’re family” or “that was a long time ago, they’ve changed”. No, they haven’t. And OP owes some girl from high school popping up out of nowhere after 15 years NOTHING., even if they were friends. Just ghost her and lock down social media. You don’t have to be a man to be a crazy, love obsessed stalker. And OP needs to make her wife understand that clearly.
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It's an uncomfortable situation to be sure and I do feel sorry for Lisa, but that doesn't mean you have to deal with her. I would probably ghost rather than spell out the rejection. It doesn't sound like she would handle honesty well and I wouldn't want to see the fallout. I'm sorry your wife isn't being more supportive.
After a similar lunch with a friend from forever ago, I feel every word of this post except for the romantic weirdness --which makes it 10x more uncomfortable and 10x the reason OP should never ever be available again for this sad, lonely person. Lisa needs help and you aren't the one.
The only thing OP can do for Lisa is be honest as kindly as possible. "I'm glad I was able to be a friend to you back when we were kids. I'm sorry you are carrying so much pain and trauma, but I can't give you the support you need. I think a therapist would be the best person to help you to work through your trauma. I truly wish you peace and healing, and all the best for the future, but I don't feel the sense of connection you do, and I'm not interested in rekindling our friendship."
Hmm it might be a bit harsh (and I'm Dutch lol) I would try an easier version first and then this if she doesn't listen.
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NTA. NTA NTA NTA and just in case you didn't get it, NTA. About 10 years ago I went through a load of trauma (on top of another decade of severe mental illness), I was in a new city, and on top of that due to said illnesses I never really picked up appropriate social skills growing up (I'm autistic so I've had to consciously study how not to make people uncomfortable etc. in conversation). I was hurting, lonely, and a MESS, and most people backed the heck up when they realised. And they were right to do so. At the time I was trauma-dumping and didn't have clear boundaries - it wasn't my fault, but it was way too much for people to deal with. You *don't have the resources* to help Lisa. That doesn't make you a bad person either. I can tell you for a fact that getting entangled with her won't bring about real positive changes for her, and she will turn into an emotional black hole for you. I ended up being helped by people who DID have the resources to handle all my issues and I'm a different person now. Your priority has to be yourself and your child - and Sandra should be on board with this, too. Good luck x
Trust your instincts and tell your wife she needs to respect your comfort/discomfort with this whole situation. Your wife needs to not see you as entertainment for her and be your partner.
Honestly, the Lisa thing is a non-problem. Just dont respond to her message, OP. She doesnt see you as a person, just as a life jacket. I was a little more struck by the wife being insensitive. OP, maybe have a chat with your wife about this. Does she trust your instincts? Does she think youre too meek and does she see it as her job to parent you? Does she think youre generally mean to people? Is she just so bored that shes being reckless?
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Lisa is a stalker. I think on an instinctive level, you know that. If your partner doesn't understand your situation scomdirt, she needs to research. A stalker really don't want understand boundaries and is dangerous. Anyone who has been stalked, and there are a lot of us never gets over it. Fyi, a stalker starts stalker ng you well before you are aware of them. She's been following your social media for a while I bet.
Yes, I agree about the social media following. Lisa may have planned that "chance encounter". If so, it probably wasn't her first attempt either.
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If you feel uncomfortable then just block her and make all your social medias private. She sounds creepy. Tell your wife to make her own friends if she want them so badly. Imho, sometimes extroverts don't understand introverts and that's ok, just as long as we respect eachother.
Your wife needs to be more supportive of you. You don't trust Lisa. Don't let people you don't trust near your newborn nor in your home. You gave birth recently. It's never time for bad jokes and unsafe decisions, but now would be especially worse. Take care of yourself and your family: cut Lisa out. And if she's able to know your address, maybe have a camera or something. Nta
NTA. Bad vibes are the equivalent of a check engine light. Don’t ignore it.
OP's partner is TA here. Not supportive at all and using their partner's discomfort as entertainment. Unless she has some other motivation for their actions, this seems like a red flag to me.
Not impressed with your wife’s attitude. She saw you were right when you met for coffee and wants you to go through that and maybe worse in your own home? Lisa has issues and it looks as though the more you give, the more she will want to insert herself into your life. Trust your gut…instinct has been developing since the primordial soup. It’s there for a reason. You need to set boundaries, for your own sake, to protect against Lisa and for your wife
Trust your gut feelings. Too often the other people in our lives think we are over reacting when feel something is just not right about a person, trust me from experience we are not. If you feel like something is off with the person more than less likely something is off. This person is trying to insert themselves into your life, for no obvious reason, and the real reason is probably not good.
Your wife doesn't fully understand what's going on. You do. You lived it in your teenage years. It doesn't make you or your wife an AH. It just means that she needs to listen to you and follow your lead. Lisa is clearly dealing with a lot of mental issues and she's needs help. You and your wife can't give her that help. The best thing you can do is step away. It may feel mean, but it's best for everyone involved.
Lisa needs a friend and a therapist. But you are not obligated to be either.
trust your instincts. I had an old work buddy that had stayed with me once or twice because of weather and was a royal pain. Lost her 15 years due to a move, and my niece accidentally make contact with her and got my phone number for her from my sister. She called every day 5 days in a row. Finally I figured I had to answer just to get rid of her. She said I was just going to keep calling until I got you. Then she talked and talked about how she had. nothing and had f'd up her life. and wanted to come see my house the next day. a little pushy. I told her I had my hands full with my dad my other half didn't like company so she left me alone for a year, then maybe saw my dad's death announcement, or just decided it was long enough and called again. This time I blocked her. knowing my niece she told her how Aunt had made it big and was living in a big mansion, and she'd have showed up on the doorstep with her suitcase. major fight with sister and niece over that one.
Trust your insticts. They were correct from the beginning. It's unlikely you can help this sad person but the situation will suck the life out of you. Tell Lisa you're sorry but you and your wife are hunkering down with the baby and aren't having visitors. The kindest thing to do is to either go full in and get her the help she clearly needs, or tell her you can't reconnect because . The most obvious white lie is that your wife is uncomfortable. That's not about Lisa and spares her feelings. Or a kind version of the truth... you're introverted and with the baby you're not able to be a friend right now.There is no happy ending here. It's a matter of making the least painful exit possible. I don't understand where your wife is coming from at all, but I'm old and have seen a lot. Maybe everybody has to live through the bitter reality of getting deep into a no-win situation before they recognize what it looks like while you're still scratching the surface. Sadly, we can't save everybody. I would be pained by your wife's response to offer you up to be Lisa's friend. You need to clearly communicate with her about how this makes you feel. If she says you're overreacting that's a red flag that needs to be addressed. Partners don't push each other into situations that feel icky or make your alarm bells ring. If I were you, I would put my energy into using this as an opportunity to strengthing your marriage rather than trying to save Lisa.
“I do not feel comfortable with Lisa. I do not feel safe with Lisa. I do not feel safe having Lisa around our baby. I do not feel safe having Lisa in our home.” Just keep repeating this, like a mantra, to yourself and to your wife. Also, it might be time to lockdown your social media and check what your web presence is (eg What information you have about yourself on LinkedIn, Google, etc).
Yes great point about the web information!
Load More Replies... Your Wife should be more understanding. You're the one unconfortable and dealing with this, so it's your decision. Please stand your ground and say no to the visit. Lisa doesn't seem to be over her crush and you shouldn't deal with all of this.
Wife reminds me of those well meaning people who tell their spouses to let abusive parents into their lives because “they’re family” or “that was a long time ago, they’ve changed”. No, they haven’t. And OP owes some girl from high school popping up out of nowhere after 15 years NOTHING., even if they were friends. Just ghost her and lock down social media. You don’t have to be a man to be a crazy, love obsessed stalker. And OP needs to make her wife understand that clearly.
Load More Replies... It's an uncomfortable situation to be sure and I do feel sorry for Lisa, but that doesn't mean you have to deal with her. I would probably ghost rather than spell out the rejection. It doesn't sound like she would handle honesty well and I wouldn't want to see the fallout. I'm sorry your wife isn't being more supportive.
After a similar lunch with a friend from forever ago, I feel every word of this post except for the romantic weirdness --which makes it 10x more uncomfortable and 10x the reason OP should never ever be available again for this sad, lonely person. Lisa needs help and you aren't the one.
The only thing OP can do for Lisa is be honest as kindly as possible. "I'm glad I was able to be a friend to you back when we were kids. I'm sorry you are carrying so much pain and trauma, but I can't give you the support you need. I think a therapist would be the best person to help you to work through your trauma. I truly wish you peace and healing, and all the best for the future, but I don't feel the sense of connection you do, and I'm not interested in rekindling our friendship."
Hmm it might be a bit harsh (and I'm Dutch lol) I would try an easier version first and then this if she doesn't listen.
Load More Replies... NTA. NTA NTA NTA and just in case you didn't get it, NTA. About 10 years ago I went through a load of trauma (on top of another decade of severe mental illness), I was in a new city, and on top of that due to said illnesses I never really picked up appropriate social skills growing up (I'm autistic so I've had to consciously study how not to make people uncomfortable etc. in conversation). I was hurting, lonely, and a MESS, and most people backed the heck up when they realised. And they were right to do so. At the time I was trauma-dumping and didn't have clear boundaries - it wasn't my fault, but it was way too much for people to deal with. You *don't have the resources* to help Lisa. That doesn't make you a bad person either. I can tell you for a fact that getting entangled with her won't bring about real positive changes for her, and she will turn into an emotional black hole for you. I ended up being helped by people who DID have the resources to handle all my issues and I'm a different person now. Your priority has to be yourself and your child - and Sandra should be on board with this, too. Good luck x
Trust your instincts and tell your wife she needs to respect your comfort/discomfort with this whole situation. Your wife needs to not see you as entertainment for her and be your partner.
Honestly, the Lisa thing is a non-problem. Just dont respond to her message, OP. She doesnt see you as a person, just as a life jacket. I was a little more struck by the wife being insensitive. OP, maybe have a chat with your wife about this. Does she trust your instincts? Does she think youre too meek and does she see it as her job to parent you? Does she think youre generally mean to people? Is she just so bored that shes being reckless?
Load More Replies... Lisa is a stalker. I think on an instinctive level, you know that. If your partner doesn't understand your situation scomdirt, she needs to research. A stalker really don't want understand boundaries and is dangerous. Anyone who has been stalked, and there are a lot of us never gets over it. Fyi, a stalker starts stalker ng you well before you are aware of them. She's been following your social media for a while I bet.
Yes, I agree about the social media following. Lisa may have planned that "chance encounter". If so, it probably wasn't her first attempt either.
Load More Replies... If you feel uncomfortable then just block her and make all your social medias private. She sounds creepy. Tell your wife to make her own friends if she want them so badly. Imho, sometimes extroverts don't understand introverts and that's ok, just as long as we respect eachother.
Your wife needs to be more supportive of you. You don't trust Lisa. Don't let people you don't trust near your newborn nor in your home. You gave birth recently. It's never time for bad jokes and unsafe decisions, but now would be especially worse. Take care of yourself and your family: cut Lisa out. And if she's able to know your address, maybe have a camera or something. Nta
NTA. Bad vibes are the equivalent of a check engine light. Don’t ignore it.
OP's partner is TA here. Not supportive at all and using their partner's discomfort as entertainment. Unless she has some other motivation for their actions, this seems like a red flag to me.
Not impressed with your wife’s attitude. She saw you were right when you met for coffee and wants you to go through that and maybe worse in your own home? Lisa has issues and it looks as though the more you give, the more she will want to insert herself into your life. Trust your gut…instinct has been developing since the primordial soup. It’s there for a reason. You need to set boundaries, for your own sake, to protect against Lisa and for your wife
Trust your gut feelings. Too often the other people in our lives think we are over reacting when feel something is just not right about a person, trust me from experience we are not. If you feel like something is off with the person more than less likely something is off. This person is trying to insert themselves into your life, for no obvious reason, and the real reason is probably not good.
Your wife doesn't fully understand what's going on. You do. You lived it in your teenage years. It doesn't make you or your wife an AH. It just means that she needs to listen to you and follow your lead. Lisa is clearly dealing with a lot of mental issues and she's needs help. You and your wife can't give her that help. The best thing you can do is step away. It may feel mean, but it's best for everyone involved.
Lisa needs a friend and a therapist. But you are not obligated to be either.
trust your instincts. I had an old work buddy that had stayed with me once or twice because of weather and was a royal pain. Lost her 15 years due to a move, and my niece accidentally make contact with her and got my phone number for her from my sister. She called every day 5 days in a row. Finally I figured I had to answer just to get rid of her. She said I was just going to keep calling until I got you. Then she talked and talked about how she had. nothing and had f'd up her life. and wanted to come see my house the next day. a little pushy. I told her I had my hands full with my dad my other half didn't like company so she left me alone for a year, then maybe saw my dad's death announcement, or just decided it was long enough and called again. This time I blocked her. knowing my niece she told her how Aunt had made it big and was living in a big mansion, and she'd have showed up on the doorstep with her suitcase. major fight with sister and niece over that one.
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