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User submission
Hey Pandas, AITA For Choosing My Peace Over Family Obligations?
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Moderator’s note
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
My sister (33) moved a little more than 5 hours away from my family and each of my parents. It’s a hike to get there, and they live in the country. My parents travel up twice a year; my mom is retired, and my dad is a school counselor who is off during normal school breaks. My family (husband and 5-year-old, now 7-year-old) traveled there one summer and spent a few days. We haven’t been in a few years, and I’m getting guilted into going.
When we go there, there’s nothing really to do besides going out to eat
Image credits: Jason Leung (not the actual photo)
They don’t have kids of their own, so there’s nothing for my child to do unless we go out and spend money. We are getting by on what we have, and I work nights and weekends, so it’s hard to get the time off—otherwise, I don’t get paid. I feel like I didn’t move there, so that’s not my problem, and I’m not taking the time off work and spending my money to travel up there.
My sister is the favorite child, and she was able to buy a house
Image credits: Eric Chen (not the actual photo)
I’m still struggling while renting a house. When we go, I feel like they are showing off and making me feel less.
They say they don’t travel back this way because they have nowhere to stay and would have to get a hotel, whereas if we went there, we could use one of their spare rooms
Image credits: Eugene Krasnaok (not the actual photo)
Am I being selfish? Am I the a-hole? Is it me?
Expert’s Advice
In this case, they are not being selfish; they are protecting their time, energy, and financial stability. The situation reflects a long-standing family pattern where one sibling is favored, and the other is expected to do more to maintain the connection. That imbalance can make visits feel more like an obligation than quality time, especially when it requires unpaid time off and extra expenses. Feeling frustrated or resentful in this context is a natural response to unequal effort, not a sign of selfishness.
From a psychological perspective, these feelings often come from unmet needs for fairness, appreciation, and emotional reciprocity. It’s important for them to recognize that setting boundaries is not rejection, and more so it’s self-preservation. They can still value family relationships while choosing to protect their own well-being and communicate honestly about what is and isn’t manageable right now.
Moderator’s note
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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What do you think ?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 2 months ago
Do you WANT to see your sister? Like I know you say she was/is the golden child, but did that affect your relationship with HER? Do you love/care about her? Do you want to see her? If so, then ignore the guilting and go visit - but arrange a short visit (perhaps just a few days) during a time when your spouse might also be able to arrange for a few days off as well - so that he can focus on taking care of your daughter.... at home. You don't HAVE to bring your husband and child with you to visit your sister. I totally understand the monetary issue (it is one of the reasons why I have not taken any sort of vacation in the last 3-4 years.) But you need to ask yourself - putting aside all of the semi-petty considerations of your sis being the "golden child" and her owning a house while you do not - do you WANT to see your sister? If you don't really, then tell your guilt-applying family members that THEY can pay for your lost wages/travel costs and then you'd be HAPPY to visit your sis.
Kate Johnson 2 months ago
Sounds to me like there's no real "relationship" there. Just because you happen to share DNA with someone, doesn't mean you have anything beyond that in common with them. If I really didn't want to go, I'd just keep making excuses not to. Accepting a guilt trip is a choice. You can just say "no".
FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
If travel is a financial burden on you, invite them to visit if this more about not wanting to see them, be honest with yourself. Also just because they don't have kids, doesn't mean you have to spend money on a visit I just hosted a nephew and we didn't spend any extra except food. Seven is a great age because they can play actual games, and you can read them good books, and do crafts or sports. My nieces and nephews under 10 all love a playground/play park. It sounds like you just don't want to spend time with your sister or your own kid. Don't do the trip if that's the case but don't lie to yourself about your motivations.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 2 months ago
Do you WANT to see your sister? Like I know you say she was/is the golden child, but did that affect your relationship with HER? Do you love/care about her? Do you want to see her? If so, then ignore the guilting and go visit - but arrange a short visit (perhaps just a few days) during a time when your spouse might also be able to arrange for a few days off as well - so that he can focus on taking care of your daughter.... at home. You don't HAVE to bring your husband and child with you to visit your sister. I totally understand the monetary issue (it is one of the reasons why I have not taken any sort of vacation in the last 3-4 years.) But you need to ask yourself - putting aside all of the semi-petty considerations of your sis being the "golden child" and her owning a house while you do not - do you WANT to see your sister? If you don't really, then tell your guilt-applying family members that THEY can pay for your lost wages/travel costs and then you'd be HAPPY to visit your sis.
Kate Johnson 2 months ago
Sounds to me like there's no real "relationship" there. Just because you happen to share DNA with someone, doesn't mean you have anything beyond that in common with them. If I really didn't want to go, I'd just keep making excuses not to. Accepting a guilt trip is a choice. You can just say "no".
FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
If travel is a financial burden on you, invite them to visit if this more about not wanting to see them, be honest with yourself. Also just because they don't have kids, doesn't mean you have to spend money on a visit I just hosted a nephew and we didn't spend any extra except food. Seven is a great age because they can play actual games, and you can read them good books, and do crafts or sports. My nieces and nephews under 10 all love a playground/play park. It sounds like you just don't want to spend time with your sister or your own kid. Don't do the trip if that's the case but don't lie to yourself about your motivations.
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