Woman Is Called ‘A Stalker’ By Future In-Laws After They Were Creeped Out By How Personal Her Christmas Gifts Were
Gift-giving is an art form. The timing, the presentation, the effort. It’s a very personalized endeavor indeed, so much so that even the best intentions go down the rabbit hole and straight to the pits of hell, rather than Alice’s Wonderland.
Such a situation happened in one person’s life, where her hours of preparation and best wishes resulted in her being called a creepy stalker. This person, nicknamed GoldRule5896, decided to share the heartbreaking Christmas experience with the community of r/AmIthe[Jerk], looking to get some clarity on whether what she did was as horrendous as the family made it out to be.
It’s confusing, it’s perplexing, and it makes us ask ‘What in the cheesy crust of the moon is happening?’ I hope that you’ll leave your thoughts on this matter in the comments below, dear reader, and if you’re looking for more AITA stories, I’ve got you covered with a link to one here. Let’s dive in!
More info: Reddit
Gift-giving can be an incredibly complex process, requiring lots of time and thought, but it becomes heartbreakingly painful when those efforts are mocked
Image credits: gardener41 (not the actual photo)
Gift-giving is a love language. At least for me, it is. I’m surprisingly bad with my words when it comes to expressing my appreciation and adoration of people, even in the smallest of senses. You lent me a pencil? Here’s a chocolate! You offered me emotional support? Here’s some tea! You’re helping me carry a body? Here’s a gift card! Speaking of gift cards…
One person shared their Christmas gifting experience with the online community of r/AmIthe[Jerk], and it was far from idyllic. After putting heaps of effort into making the gifts super special for her fiancé’s family, she got berated and insulted rather than thanked, as it seemed the family wasn’t used to giving thoughtful gifts.
The original poster (OP) revealed that she’d come from a broken home, this being her first actual Christmas with a family setting, making it all more heartbreaking. It all made a big impact on her self-confidence, as well as her relationship with the family itself. But enough of me talking, let’s get into some details.
One person wanted to ask the internet’s opinion on whether she was in the wrong for getting her fiancé’s family super personalized gifts
Noting each family member’s interests, she put in a lot of effort to make sure the gifts were as close to perfect as possible, but they didn’t seem to have the desired effect
Image credits: Peter & Joyce Grace (not the actual photo)
We’re taught from a young age that all gifts should be appreciated; the fact that someone put that little bit of effort and thought into you is enough to be grateful. That is an interesting discussion in its own right; however, in this situation what we’re very much lacking is a sense of gratitude from the fiancé’s parents.
The issue being—the gifts were too personal. Now let’s hold on a minute, as there are so many nuances here it’ll require a full-on Ph.D. in psychology to figure out. The best I can give you, however, dear readers, is half of a working brain, some empathy, and a very limited knowledge of how we humans work.
Personalized gifts have a very special power, both for bringing back memories of good times and showing one how well they know the people they’re gifting them to. According to a post on Right Gifting, it’s more than a gesture of appreciation or a gift. When you give something that is meaningful to someone, it becomes a symbol of your special bond.
“They told me I had overstepped,” she said, after the gifts had been opened and the family’s reaction was less than joyful, going so far as to call her a “stalker”
Image credits: Ryan Ruppe (not the actual photo)
On the other hand, over-personalized gifts can be quite cringy, to be honest, especially when gifted by people that we don’t know all that well. Oh look, a pillow in the shape of a toilet with a pic of me being hungover—love that memory! According to Annie from Live Simply, people generally feel weird about using, wearing, or otherwise showing off items that have really large and loud personal details on them.
Because of their unsubtle nature, they become clutter quicker than you can say “Thanks so much, I appreciate it!” Sadly, these gifts that seemed to take so much effort, end up in the trash. People don’t even bother donating or giving them away most of the time, as they assume no one else will want a T-shirt of another person saying ‘I love you’ to their now-ex. It’s creepy!
Memorializing emotional events or moments via the medium of material stuff is always a slippery slope; however, subtle personalization may be the way to go. Small initials, tiny embroidery on the inside of sleeves, small bits of jewelry—have you caught on to where I’m going with this? Keep it small and simple!
The fiancé quickly came to her defense, but the reaction was enough to affect the OP’s self-confidence, especially with it being the first Christmas in a family setting
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual photo)
Research shows that giving a bad gift can hurt your relationships. You don’t say… “Choosing the wrong gift can be kind of risky for relationships because it says you don’t have anything in common,” says Elizabeth Dunn, a psychology professor at the University of British Columbia in Canada.
Jeff Galak, an associate professor of marketing at the Carnegie Mellon Tepper School of Business, argues that the trick for giving a great gift is to think past the fleeting moment of actually handing it over.
“When givers give gifts, they’re trying to optimize on the moment they give the gift and see the smile on the recipient’s face right in that moment,” says Galak. “But what recipients care about is how much value they’re going to derive from that over a longer time period.”
Galak also suggests not getting hung up on giving the most unique gift out there. One study showed that we tend to focus on a recipient’s unique traits and personality as we shop for them. But this hyper-specificity leads us to ignore other aspects of their wants and needs, which may make us buy them a gift they won’t appreciate.
We also tend to want to buy different gifts for multiple people, even if they might all be happier with the same thing—and might never compare gifts at all! Essentially, we overthink on a massive scale, and there end up being no winners.
Image credits: GoldRule5896
So where do we end up with this situation? Yes, the way the OP was treated is beyond cruel; however, it’s possible to see it from the perspective of the family as well. Regardless of it all, the internet ruled in the favor of the OP, stating that she was in no way the jerk.
But one thing needs to be said before we end this: when in doubt, just ask the recipient what they want, or ask to work off a registry. In fact, research shows that people are more appreciative of gifts they ask for than ones they don’t. “People want to be creative and surprise the recipient,” says Elizabeth Dunn, “but the better gift will be whatever it is they say they want.”
Let us know your thoughts on everything in the comments below, and I shall see you in the next one!
The internet community stated that she was definitely not in the wrong, showing her lots of love and support. Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
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If this story is true, I hope that family (minus Noah) realises they’re a pack of AH and may this story go very viral so they can be embarrassed on a global scale.
I agree. This doesn't sound real. "I was so thoughtful, getting personalized gifts for my future in laws, that they all hate me."
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saw an interesting comment on Reddit from u/AhabMustDie, in response to someone saying none of them were TA: "I would argue that not all feelings (and definitely not all ways of expressing them) are valid. If someone holds a door open for me to be nice, and it offends me because I think they’re being sexist, or think they’re implying I have weak arms, or ascribe some weird malicious intention to them, I wouldn’t say those feelings are particularly warranted or valid… They are my hang up and my responsibility, and I’d be a raging assh*le to bark at the nice stranger for doing something courteous. This is like an extreme version of that - I guess the family has a “right” to their feelings insofar as they are involuntary, but they should also recognize that their feelings are not warranted or valid, and they should shut the f*ck up about them."
Agreed. Especially the line they told her about "we can see why your own family doesn't want you." That's just straight-up emotionally abusive. You have a right to your feelings, but you don't have a right to abuse others. I'm really glad this woman's fiance seems to realize how toxic his family's behavior was and is standing by her. They ganged up on her and are bullying at this point.
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What!? Angry because they got perfect gifts?!? Geesh! And calling her the stalker? Did they overlook their little Noah as being part of the decision for the gifts and probably suggestions too? I guess if you're family you're exempt from being creepy and giving your girlfriend advice? I hate(yes the strong form of the word) people who can't appreciate time, effort, and thoughtfulness when receiving gifts. I have more to rant, but I'm running out of BP friendly words!
It seems a horrid way to "welcome" someone into the family. Wondering if the gift drama is just an excuse to be mean, b/c they can't stand to share Noah w/ an "outsider"? Could Noah's parents be controlling types, or practice triangulation w/ their loved ones? Maybe they'll never approve of a partner they didn't hand-pick themselves for their offspring? My mother was exactly like that, and it tore her family apart, in the end. i moved 2K miles away to build a life & protect my own kids from such manipulations. Dimes to dollars, this wretched family is setting itself up for disappointment. In 5 years, when they realize Noah has become a veritable stranger to them & they have no real relationship w/ his kids, they'll blame OP. It won't be her fault at all, of course, but their own. Sadly, people so tribal, judgmental & reactionary are rarely big on self-reflection or accountability for their own unkindness. Hope OP & Noah move far, far away. So they can build a happier family together.
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This poor woman. I am absolutely thrilled whenever I'm gifted something so thoughtful. She went to such lengths to show she cared and her fiance's family treated her like trash AND kept the gifts anyway? Screw. Them. Either they apologize for how hurtful they were or she and her fiance start building a life away from them.
I love looking for fitting gifts and have made some people uncomfortable with this before, but as I hate getting generic gifts I just can’t bring myself to give them. You either get something personal or you get nothing, sorry not sorry. :p
I'm sorry this happened to you. I didn't realize it was a thing. Please keep giving thoughtful gifts and the people who really love you will appreciate them.
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It sounds like there is some massive disfunction happening in Noah's family that has not been disclosed or admitted to.
I was thinking that maybe this is a bizarre family that would try to drive away anyone Noah dates no matter what. Sometimes families are insane like that. My uncle's first wife had abusive parents who hated her, and they tried to scare him off. Instead, her dad ended up in jail for assault. There could be a "no one is good enough for Noah" thing going on too.
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Oh my Dear - I am actually the one in the family who gives the incredible, beautiful, amazing, awesome gifts. It happens because I think of them, and it takes time. In my years, it has been, at times a heartbreak The giving of a gift - is selfless - even if there is grief - a gift can only be shared in selflessness And please, continue to find and give magical gifts, whenever, it is in your heart
i bet your friends & family treasure their gifts from you! nothing is more precious than a thoughtful present given with love. i'm sure your loved ones are so grateful to have you in their lives
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I think what happened here is that the family went the easy way with gift cards and didn't bother to find out what OP would truly like and quite possibly do so with each other too, so when OP went all in and truly put in effort they felt shamed. That's still not on OP though. But I think OP didn't realise that the family isn't as close as they thought they are. If this had happened in my family, everyone would have been pleasantly surprised and happy. We do not always put in as much effort as we should, life happens and sometimes you just don't have the time, but we sure can appreciate it when someone does. But many people are unable to just appreciate a nice gesture and take everything as criticism. When I got sick this summer, my MIL took care of my garden and made sure my plants didn't die. I was very happy about that. But a friend said she'd be outraged if her MIL would 'stick her nose into her affairs'. I personally think that's just stupid.
I agree. Some people are very quick to take offense and see a friendly gesture as impeding on their personal space or liberty. I have no idea if this is correct, but in my mind I see the OP as a nice, warm person who hasn't had a family to lavish her attention on. She might be "too much" in some ways, but her intentions are good. The in-laws strike me as cold and slow to invite people into their inner circle. In the terms of my favorite pseudo science, she's an ESFJ who is marrying into a family of ISTJs or INTJs. No matter what personality type though, the in-laws are still in the wrong.
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I think there is more to the story. The intention was goid. Obviously the girl is trying too hard, personalized gifts.. just wow.... if they think she overstepped, then the family may be a very close knit family who are choosy on who they let in their lives. I know those types of families. Everyone is not the same. For me, if given such gifts, I'll be very appreciative. She did nithing wrong. It is them, not her 🤣🤣🤣
There may be more but it rings to me of basic jealousy. People put less and less effort into things like gifts, and the holidays have become so superficial, I think the adults (remember, they gave gifts cards, nothing personal, yet they surly knew Noah well enough & with a baby coming to have thought of something to get), I believe they were embarrassed by her thoughtful gifts and they, the adults, decided to blame her for their lack of thought. OP stated that the children were thrilled with her gifts.
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I’d love for my son to have such a thoughtful fiancé.. they sound like awful people
Me too... I have an older Son in his mid 20's and if he brought home a young woman who was as thoughtful as her, I'd hug her so tight, esp after knowing how bad her childhood was. She's going to he an excellent Mother!
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Next year just get each and everyone of them a single pair of generic black socks. Basically the equivalent of a lump of coal.
I'm glad you got Noah, but sorry you got a bunch of huge AH'a for future "family". So many people take having a family for granted. Good luck to you and Noah! Sooo NTA.
My thinking is the family's horribly unkind and unappreciative reactions seems like a guilt response. With sister being the worst offender. Maybe just before the two of them arrived, that OP had been the subject of discussion. Gossip talk. Then she goes and blows their minds with her thoughtfulness. GUILT! my family was like this so this is the flavor I'm getting. Could be wrong tho.
I wonder if maybe the adults were more offended that someone new took the time to get thoughtful gifts and they did not. So now they look bad. Just my thought.
Said the same up above. Humans at their jealous worst. I didn’t think of that, you made me look bad, I will attack you for making me look bad even though I was. Human nature.
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Noah is definitely a keeper. His family, not so much... The OP did the same things I try to do when buying presents: I despise giving gift cards. They feel impersonal to me, so I pay attention to people's likes and dislikes and try to make each present personal for the intended recipient. That is NOT stalking. That is being a good friend/person and actually paying attention to the people we care about. It is perfectly fine to be disappointed with a gift, but never be disappointed with the effort the person put into it if it is an honestly intended gift.
Christ, I thought you got them vibrators or bras in their exact sizes. No, the problem here is just how thoughtless, unobservant and half-assed **THEY** were, and you made them realize it, in contrast to their own slap-dash ultra-impersonal gift cards.THEY are AHs, ESPECIALLY to bring up your lack of family as they did. This year I told my MIL before Xmas that I DO NOT like chocolate. She gives me a box of chocolate for Xmas. She also gave me a 15-bag box of lemon-ginger tea with 5 bags left in it. Jeez I understand regifting in this economy but for the love of gawd at least check it isn't used and 3/4 gone.
Mt mother is a hairstylist. I've been hearing since I can remember that I can't use Paul Mitchell brand shampoo abd because of me no one else in the family can either because I am allergic and break out in hives. For my birthday this year I got shampoo and conditioner l. The brand name was a tree logo. I used it abd my scalp and neck were on fire and my eyes swelled shut. Looked closer at the packaging and under the tree it says "Paul Mitchell industries" or however it was!worded. I think she tried to kill me I really do.
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My sister and I love gift shops. If we are not together, we will get each other something that reminds us of each other. When my mom quit her job at the restaurant we worked at, the managers got her a James Avery charm bracelet as a way to say goodbye. We don't know them that well and we still thought the bracelet was a beautiful and thoughtful gift. This family sounds like a bunch of awful and unhappy people and this woman didn't do anything wrong.
Well next year I hope she gets them nothing and say "I didn't feel there was anything I could give you guys without causing a huge fight so..🤷🏼♀️" Seriously, don't get them gift cards. Give the kids stuff cuz they appreciate it, but not a damn thing for the adults.
Instead of asking the internet, sit down and talk with your in-laws. Relationships are complex, we only get one side of the story. I find it hard to believe people would react to getting gifts in such a way.
I think she should wait until the tensions calm to sit down with the in-laws, for her own emotional health and for the sake of the baby. There probably is more to the story that what was posted, but no matter what happened, being a good host/gift receiver means accepting gifts with graciousness (even if they aren't to your taste). At the very least, the in-laws should apologize for the way they reacted, even if there are other issues at play.
Load More Replies... I'd be thrilled if someone got me one of these thoughtful gifts. The family should feel ashamed of how rude they were to this woman. I had a similar thing a few years ago. It was a friend's birthday and along with some clothing and other small things, I made her a jar with lots of little notes in it with all the reasons she's such a great friend. I went to her house a few months later and it hadn't been opened and one of her friends said she would have been de estate to receive such a cheap gift. I felt so hurt, embarrassed and that I was the one who had made a fool of myself. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I now realise some people are simply ungrateful. I'm glad this person's partner is standing by her but if I was her, I wouldn't waste anymore time in future on buying them gifts again. Hope she feels better soon.
Wtf? Is this a real post? Who would get mad at that?! You may not have met them in person more then once prior but your marrying a member of their family and you literally went out of your way to find stuff they would like. They are incredible a******s and shame on them. Don’t feel bad. I would of been happy. People’s positive intentions should never be punished or made to feel wrong just because it was not expected. Ridiculous people. Next year give them coal.
Wow, just what? NTA. Next year get them all $20 giftcards without even putting their names on the envelopes. They want nothing, give them nothing. Frankly it just sounds like they were jealous the little kids liked what they got from OP way more than their parents/older sibling. But yeah, full no contact until apologies. I know how hard it can be to tell a potential new family to scoot off when a family is all you've ever wanted. But, don't trade one shìtty family for another shìtty family.
Yeah, thinking next year, should just be an intimate Xmas at home for baby's first Christmas. I can only imagine how horrible they would make that experience for their young family if they have to be at their mercy for such an important occasion. Just send the (adults) family xmas cards, with 10 dollar gift cards inside. Drop the kids gifts off on Xmas eve. New traditions all around...
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Reading between the lines. This family just don't like their son being with ANYBODY and in some twisted world, it pains them that he's found someone nice. So they are finding fault in the most obscure things. I think them getting married and her being pregnant with their grandchild / niece / nephew, pretty much gives her the right to treat them like close family with personal gifts. WTF? They all seem like complete and utter toss wads. Their loss though. If I were her, I would never, ever spend more than $2 each and buy trinket trash for their sorry asses in future for anything. I would conveniently always forget their birthdays too. If they mentioned it, I would just say ' you don't like expensive gifts so I did what you wanted and didn't spend anything on you'. Yeah they really are stupid idiots.
If they want to hug the baby, she should say: don't be so stalkerish. You don't even know him or her.
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This girl is a gem. She is so thoughtful. That family is honestly awful. I’m so glad her significant other is supporting her. The only thing she should learn from this is that they suck.
I feel bad for being so cynical but most of these stories just sound made up. Like who would call their brother’s future wife a stalker because they bought you a thoughtful and personal gift ? And if you were the gift giver and that did happen why would your response be to give several over the top apologies? Also if she’s never met them how did she get all the ideas for stuff they would like? I’ve over thinking it lmao!
Before I say this, op is nta. "...who would call their brother's future wife a stalker because they bought you a thoughtful and personal gift?" 1. A nasty sibling with no thinking abilities. Maybe their brother told his fiance what to get them or what they would like. 2. "...if you were the gift giver and that did happen why would your response be to give several over the top apologies?" Given ops background, she probably just really wants to be on the family's good side. 3. "Also, if she's never met them how did she get all the ideas for stuff they would like?" They met over the summer and spoke on the phone, perfect moments to get to know them and their interests.
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I don't know when effort became a bad word. Trying too hard is a ridiculous complaint. They should be touched that she went out of her way to get them something special. The OP obviously has anxiety around family attachments and she went out of her way to do something nice. Not to mention that she's pregnant AND about to get married. A ton of AITA submissions use those events to act selfishly , but she is worried that they didn't like her gifts. She really sounds like a gem and I hope the family she is creating: herself, Noah, and the baby fill the void in her life.
The fact people actually said she was in the wrong is repulsive. She went out of her way to give the family things they actually wanted and they acted like it was the worst thing in the world. I would have probably cried if someone dating a relative got me something I had been wanting for a long while because it shows they actually give a damn.
Why would they go to stalker? Surely they realise her fiance knows them all well and could have given her advice on the gifts. These people are narrow,judgemental and just plain weird. The OP sounds wonderful and Noah seems to realise his girl has a pure heart. I feel so angry on her behalf. I also feel this is learned bully behaviour from a couple of bad influences with big mouths and rotted hearts in that family.
To be totally honest this sounds like Meghan Markle’s experience. I hope I’m not repeating anyone’s comments, but it is so blatantly stupid. Why on earth do people Choose to find offense in the innocuous?! It’s like poking your eye out on purpose? Wtf?!
Well I think she would make one heck of a personal shopper or decorator to keep such good details of likes and comments. I applaude you as no one has ever given me something I have said I wanted. Heck my husband missed my bday last year and didn't realize until the donuts I ubered wished me a happy bday and he asked what they ment. I said it's my bday. He said when. I said today. Ooooh he was soooo burned to have forgotten. But he asked what I wanted. I said a nice steak and a foot massage. I got the steak but he bought a foot massager. Ughhhh I wanted a hand rub. Not a machine. Well he's an idiot anyway.
I’ve always been told I go out of my way to get gifts that’s are personal, something I put thought into, that resonates the receiver’s personality and preferences, and by god I have too. Whether it was myself or others, I’ve watched those who received that gift that left them puzzled like “I have never wanted one of these nor ever mentioned it, why would they get me this?” But you put on that polite face. Those gifts scream “I was grabbed off an end cap at Walmart and will have to do.” She is a prize for the work involved, the expense and heartfelt, sincere and genuine effort to please her new family. If the adults saw this differently, they were seeing it differently on purpose, probably out of jealousy. A******s will try and make others look like a******s.
I think her disclosure hit their on prejudices and that mindset has directed their behaviour to treat the OP as untrustworthy, probably thinking “something must have been wrong with her” to have been abandoned. It’s the same mindset people have when finding out a person grew up in the foster care system or was adopted. This is a “loving family” only onto themselves. This is a family of bigots and they are showing their whole a*s to the OP.
What I find super odd is they all seem to be missing the point that the lovely lady is actually marrying into their family. Ergo it's not some random person their son has just brought home for Christmas and has only known them for 2 seconds. Even if she hadn't paid attention their son could have known what they would like for Christmas. I can not believe how messed up their response was to a person being thoughtful. I'm just relieved that her partner backed her up and actually seems normal. The damage this could do / have done to the OP is crazy. Sighs.
First of all NTA. Not only will she be marrying Noah, she is also already expecting their first child - and she is still considered nearly a STRANGER by the rest of the family? This must have hurt even more than being called a stalker -which is of course equally absurd. She might think that this family is close, however, I think they rather have a problem with really opening up their hearts... Her going above and beyond, remembering all the little details and getting them thoughtful gifts, just highlighted their own shortcomings. "Eh, a gift card for the new one will do!" (Where I live she would have most probably gotten a bottle of wine and some sweets...) Now they felt bad and tried to pin it on her, which is especially cruel if they knew about her bad childhood. The only thing I wondered reading the list of gifts was that they sounded pretty expensive - I hope Noah gave her some guidance in advance about how much money his family usually spends (in order not to go over the top).
Wow...what a bunch of rude, ungrateful morons. A**H0le is too nice of a word for this bunch. And major kudos to Noah for sticking up for her.
100% NTA. She did a beautiful thing for her fiancé’s family and it was met with spire and malice. As for why. I think it was possibly embarrassment that they have going to any effort for her. But instead of saying “thank you so much it’s beautiful“ and thinking to themselves “Christ, must pull stops out for her next b’day/Xmas” they felt indebted and turned it back on the op, especially when they started to talk to each outer about it Not an excuse but might explain the thought (or lack of) process. They still AHs. Good that Noah has her back
The family are a bunch of ungrateful azzholes. None of our was overly personal. If it was my sister who said that stuff to someone I loved, I would've decked her. What a hateful pos. It's good that her fiance stood up for her. Maybe they should cute ties with his family. No family is better than horrible family
Wow. I know how you feel. I was in a long term relationship and the first Christmas I kind of went all out. My mother-in-law was nice but my sister-in-law complained that I bought the kids cheap gifts ( I bought toys from Walmart but kids were rough and broke the toys) and that gift cards were much more appreciated. I came to realize the sister-in-law was using the gift cards on herself, not the kids. Overtime the whole family would make me feel insecure and that I was always the one doing something wrong. Even when I cook a dish for the holidays they always had a comment. ( Example: my family's way of making string bean casserole is to put a can of wax beans) Unfortunately my ex never stood up for me which is why we ended
It's very sad that the adults in this family need to look at the children to see how to properly act. I think it's strange that they are angry about the gifts being too personal when she's entering the family, for crying out loud. It doesn't get much more personal than that. Add to that the child she's carrying is their own blood. If I were her, I would take a step back and keep them at a distance. And when Noah's parents want to spend time with their grandchild, she should tell them "Oh, I'm sorry- that's much too personal for the status of our relationship." As for the sister, her comment was low. I wouldn't want anything to do with her. If she can easily be that mean in the beginning, I wouldn't want to see how nasty she gets later. I feel this is all a moot point, though. OP is too sweet for these in-laws, and she'll probably do whatever it takes to try to get on their good side. I just hope they don't take advantage of her. And if they do try I hope Noah handles them for her
When I read the title, i thought she was giving them something inappropriate. But those are just thoughtful gifts, she genuinely wanted to make them happy, so she did some research and found out what they like?
I think your child is going to be very lucky to have such a caring and loving mother.
This reminds me of a paper I read explaining why some people get offended when others are being too nice and trying too hard. Out of jealousy, lack of self-esteem, and competitiveness, some people don't like it when others are more charitable, more giving, more self-sacrificing and accommodating than them. They want to feel like they're equal or above the people around them and they feel comfortable being in that position. Because OP is better than them, they feel threatened by that. They also know their gifts were crappier and feel like her gifts to them make them look bad for not giving it more thought.
These people are complete jerks and idiots. What a nice thing to do and what a rotten reaction to it.
I had someone new in the family mock my gift to her, saying why would she even buy me anything especially something so ugly. It was my daughters fiancé. I thought, Ok, next year its coal for you baby!
Early into Covid I got the idea of getting some of my friends and coworkers some fabric masks before they'd become hard to get. I had a lot of fun with choosing the fabric designs based on each person to the best I could find. Several of them loved the masks, but a few of them honestly were creeped out that I got personalized ones instead of plain ones...Like... I've known you over a decade, do you really think I don't know your hobbies by now? I'm not talking personalized like names or anything. I got the girl who works part time at the yoga studio a pastel one with namaste on it, got the coworker who hardcore gardens one with flowers on it. 🤷 I think my boss loved hers the most out of everyone and wore it all the time, and you'd have thought hers would have been the difficult one, what with people's weirdness about getting gifts for their bosses/management. Whatever man, some people are crazy, I'm not gonna lose sleep at night over other people's opinions on personalized gifts.
This is easily the most horrid, unacceptable, and down right hateful thing I've read in a very long time. How can people be ok treating people like that? But more so, treating her like that over Christmas presents. Who the f*ck makes rules about gift giving and then verbally attacks someone by weaponizing her own awful personal experiences? It's sound like a household of sociopaths.
I have this system or method I use in this sort of situation if it's towards me I ask myself. Self do you think they tried to offend you? If the answer is no..and I'm offended.. I'm going to look like an ah a lot If you think they tried to offend you that's something different..
NTA at all but perhaps socially awkward and trying too hard yes. But definitely should not have been met with anger or mocking. The most important thing is intentions, and yours were clearly good. Maybe it just made them feel bad since they had make zero effort to be thoughtful about your gift.
The first year of marriage, my mother didnt buy anything for her family. She wanted buy really good gifts for my dad‘s family. She bought my grandma a really nice expensive coat. She bought his sisters really nice things.. the entire family. My grandmother yelled at her that she was showing off（my mom‘s family was well off）and threw the coat back at her. My mother was devasted. The truth was my grandmother never wanted my dad to marry my mother. My father was pissed, he knew how much thought and money went into those gifts. But my mother isnt a push over. She pulled my grandmother aside and told her that she knew that my father was her favorite child and she was carrying her grandchild. And if she doesnt start respecting her, she will make sure she never sees either of them again！My grandmother never uttered a single rude word to her again. So I dont think this about gifts at all... this family doesnt want her in their family period.
That was my feeling as well, considering the intensity of their anger. Thanks for sharing that story, it illustrates the dynamic quite well. And your mother handled that perfectly. Hopefully OP eventually can learn to stand up for herself as well but I am glad her fiance is standing up for her.
Load More Replies... Just reading the headline, my first thought was that she bought s-x toys or something else inappropriate. 😆
Lol. My words exactly. She got the sister or sisters Victoria’s Secret crotchless bikini panties? Or sexy calendars or sex toys. Or a lifetime supply of the type of tampons they wear. Now that’s creepy, too personal, etc. Her gifts were great. I love that one with favorite book titles, I’m a reader and so are several friends. Might steal that one.
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Those gift are so thoughtful and so much effort went to them that they probably felt guilty and embarrassed to not have anything remotely like that in return. Of course, the nice way would have been to just come out and say that and express how much they appreciated the presents but graciousness is not for everyone.
You sound amazing and so thoughtful! They sound like shmucks, and were probably embraced to realize how uncaringly they have been behaving to each other
Well, I think she actually went a bit over the top. A book sleeve with little details of a person's favourite books sounds great - if you've been close friends for a while. For a person you barely know it's a bit too personal, imo. And the picture frame with family photos that were not taken by or together with the giving person... idk, this is also a bit cringy. Yes, the gifts are very thoughtful! But imo a bit too personal for someone you don't know well and only for a short time.
Disagree. Too personal would be buying his sisters Victoria’s Secret underwear, or a sex toy. Nudie calendars for the men… or women. Lifetime supply of the kind of tampons his sister used. There’s personal, cringy, creepy. But if some one took the time to find out my favorite books? I’d be blown away, and very grateful. In fact, I may use that, what a hell of a gift idea! Putting together family photos for someone who mentions they wanted and couldn’t find such a thing with decent frame, the thought, time, effort and expense, that’s a hell of a gift. To each his own, I felt they were perfect gifts, well thought out and planned, unlike throwing gift cards at someone. All that says, if that’s how one gifts all the time is, I’ve got money so here, I don’t want to give you any real thought.
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If i was related to Noah I’d be telling him he found a keeper. I think the same way as OP, I notice everything, and *hear* everything, said to unsaid. I don’t WANT to, it’s generally awful in your personal life as you become the one who wants to make everyone happy / fix everything (great for my job though, where I have to make people happy and fix the, lol…), but the one thing it does is make me a great gift giver. I’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of giving three times in my life, and I could have cried with joy each time. I still have the gifts, 25, 18 and 2 year’s later (respectively), those gifts are going nowhere, and are in pride of place. I hope the family learns how appalling they were in their reaction and apologise sincerely to OP.
She pays more attention than is considered normal, that's the family's issue. I have an annoyingly good memory when it comes to having conversations with people. Months later, they'll repeat something they've told me and be shocked I already knew. So I think the family just forgot that they'd mentioned these things offhand. Personally, I love it when people remember things I've said, but if you're not expecting it it can seem like a huge deal.
I’m wondering if the family is angry because her effort far exceeds theirs. It just seems so weird to be angry about getting a personalized gift unless you felt guilty about the gift you gave and were trying to make yourself feel better about your own lack of effort. It’s not like she was being invasive and getting them tailored s*x toys or something like that. But I also don’t really have any close family and don’t know what the norm is for gift giving when someone isn’t part of the family
So this woman is going to marry their son and give them a grandchild, and they treat her as a complete stranger. Huge red flag. Then they call her out because SHE made personalised gifts while they just bought gift cards (and I bet they were pissed they had to buy her something). And finally, as she apologized, they ended bringing something hurtful and personal in the conversation to finish her off. Let her and future husband cut these bullies off.
Girl you are not in the wrong. Excuse me for being so blunt but the are dumb as hell if they couldn't see the effort you put into the gifts. Girl you have an amazing fiance to stand up for you like that! Kudos to him! There is nothing wrong with you it's them honey. I feel Noah I wouldn't go back around them until they apologize.
If any of my kids brought home someone as sweet and considerate as you, I'd be the proudest mom. Sure not everyone likes overly nice gifts, I'm one of them, but it's not something to call you a stalker over for actually listening to them when they mentioned their likes and interests. Being overly generous and kind to people like them will make them quickly realize they can use and manipulate you, so at least for a little while I would suggest keep your distance and refusing to do more than the minimum for gifts for the adults, if anything at all. It sounds petty, but if they're ungrateful for such wonderful gifts from the get go, they will always be that way because it amuses them to tear you down. I have family like this I recently cut off from treating me or my fiance like an ATM for their living expenses after being bad mouthed by them to our other family. You can never please people like them, it hurts but it's best to learn this now before you get even more emotional damage from i
Wow they would rather get a bunch of c**p gifts then something they really wanted and like. Notice the nasty scumbags didn't give ANY of the gifts back. Move back to where you were and forget these aholes!
IMO, his family must have been embarrassed because she gave them such thoughtful gifts. She listened to each of them and made a mental note of things that meant something to them. They did not put one bit of effort into getting a gift for their daughter in law/sister in law/ soon to be mother of their grandchild. Just grabbed a few gift cards at the grocery store check out. And on top of it all, they made her the "bad guy?!?!? Hateful awful people.
I feel the gifts were thoughtful and sweet ! Not at all inappropriate!! Sounds like Noah is the best of the bunch , they need to distance themselves from the rest !
None of these gifts were inappropriate or intimate. A picture frame, music box and make up is too much for these people? They sound like miserable a******s and hope they saw this story and the comments pointing out that they are the problem
This just broke my heart. What a bunch of jerks. They are soon to be your family. These sound like normal gifts that are thoughtful. I'm adopted and that comment about your family not wanting you around hit me in my soul. Idk if I would want to be a part of this family at all. Did your fiance ever tell you they were toxic? Because they sound like awful people
If I had a son and he came home with such a kind, thoughtful, amazing person like you, I would welcome you with open arms and congratulate my son on his good taste. You deserve to be praised for the loving, kind, thoughtful gifts that you gave them. I will pray that they will treat you better in the future. You did not deserve their mistreatment of you. Noah sounds nice. His family sounds rude. You are so sweet. You deserve the best.
This is all projection on the families behalf. Logic is absent and the response is an emotional lashing out from feeling inferior. For being shown up, being made to feel/look (real and imagined) as shallow as they are. Especially when it came to the children's gifts. Guilt/shame expressed as indignation, thoughtlessness as embarrassment. They are actually jealous that the gifts were sincere and thoughtfully personalized. Instead of being superficial, like they are. Reacted like children who didn't win first place who became sullen bullies. This is sad. Their shortcomings are not her responsibility. None of this can be put into her. These people are ridiculous and emotionally stunted.
This subreddit is known for having many fake stories, this is 100% one of them. To many inconsistencies. First, their relationship moved at a breakneck speed, she says Noah is right out of college and that they are already engaged AND she's already pregnant, not impossible but incredibly unlikely that the relationship would move that fast that smoothly. Second, This woman really had enough money to go out and get ALL these different things for the family that not only took a lot of time but we're also crazy expensive for some of them? If we are to assume that she's also around Noah's age and right out of college , there's no way she has the money for that, which leads into The third reason, she created so many update posts like she was trying to make the story make sense, specifically the one where she said that her own family was a mess growing up and all hated each other, so she definitely doesn't come from a rich background.
"You got us the perfect gifts? What a stalker AH! We're still keeping them though!" What f'd up logic.
When I read that the gifts were too personal I imagined other things I rather not mention.
LOL me too, or that she was snooping in drawers or closets to get sizes etc. His family is a bunch of weirdos.
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I have inlaws like this. You save a lot of time, money, and effort if you recognize that they just flat out don't want to like you.
She mentioned a niece on the spectrum. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest the spectrum may run through the family. As an autistic person I can say that my reactions to personal gifts have been somewhat irrational in the past. The first Christmas my ex and I were together, his mom knitted a sweater for me. I was upset, angry even, which sounds ridiculous, but there were a few issues I had with it. The color wasn't something I'd wear, the yarn was a texture that made my teeth hurt, and it didn't fit me very well. The fact that she'd put hours of work into something I was never going to wear made me feel horribly guilty. Plus, I don't read people well, so I couldn't even imagine giving a personal gift before knowing someone really well, which takes me a long time. I was really young then, and I've learned how to react in ways that don't offend people (yes, I know it's masking, but sometimes it's worth it not to hurt people's feelings). Maybe her fiance's family is so insulated from others that they react weirdly to things others find normal?
This is a good insight. I'm on the spectrum, too and gifts/personal boundaries can be hard. Just reading your comment, I can almost feel the texture of the knit sweater on my teeth and it is horrible. The OP might have inadvertently crossed their personal boundaries, but it sounds like the person known to be on the spectrum liked her gift. And being on the spectrum doesn't make you hurl terrible comments like one of his sisters ( 'I see why your family didn't want you!') Whenever I get overwhelmed I apologize, especially when I know they weren't trying to overstep. And, after I calm down, I try to think about what I could do to prevent it from happening again or if there's a reasonable request I can make of the person.
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This is insane. They act as though she was like "I smelled your hair one day and tracked down the shampoo you use and bought us each one so I can smell your hair any time." 🤣 No. She very thoughtfully made note of details that were shared with her! That's what makes a great gift. And even if they had a valid argument (because they don't unless she got these details by breaking into their homes or going through their garbage) , the way they acted in response to being given a gift speaks volumes. This is not the way you treat people who have obviously tried to do something nice for you. I'm not sure if it's that they feel self conscious about putting zero effort into their own gifts, or if they are so greedy that they expect gifts that are essentially cash - but it makes me sad that this sweet person who clearly wants to be part of this family was treated this way!
It sounds like they had their mind made up about her before all of this and we're just looking for something... Any vulnerability... To attack. And they did. "How dare you want to be one of us?" seems to be what they're saying. A family of meanies
OMG You went out of your way to get them kind gifts. HOW DARE YOU!!! /s
Sounds like hubs stuck up for his wife. This is good; the rest of the family as far as I am concerned, can take their presents and stick them up their collective rears. This poor woman pulled out all the stops to get gifts the family would enjoy. She listened to their wants and performed accordingly. I would love to have someone so thoughtful join my family (no gifts required!) Can I adopt these two? I'll be your mom 🙂
Noah's family may be insecure in their own feelings for each other. Gift giving is hard - you are trying to show your love via a tangible, materialistic item. Many people are lazy or choose to just "check out" and just give generic gift cards or money. It's them, not you. Keep reaching out and they will get used to how you "work" some will get it and appreciate you for who you are. Others will either remain oblivious to you and Noah and your (future) child, or will continue to resent you for being you - you can't change them, but work to build great relationships with those folks who are worth your time. Noah is supporting you, so he is a keeper. Focus on the positives and pity those folks who are afraid to put themselves out there for others.
Freakin in-laws ehh? NTA whatsoever. Isn't gift giving supposed to be thoughtful? It's not like anyone dislikes getting gift cards, but unless it's for your absolute favourite shop, they tend to feel impersonal. Not only are you NTA, you're so unbelievably thoughtful. Keep being you and don't let an entire household of AH change who you are
When i read the title, i thought it would be really personal gift, really really personal like underwear or similar. But it turns out to be normal gifts that these AH family have been mentioning and hoping to have one over the time. How is OP stalker then? AH family indeed.
Me too, because there is a difference between "I looked through your drawer and saw that there were holes in every piece of underwear, so I got you more." and "You mentioned you liked X brand makeup and I got you their new eyeshadow palette." The in-laws either forgot they told her these things or are guilty that they put zero thought into her gifts.
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NTA. It sounds more like they were embarrassed about buying gift cards when she put in the effort, so they tried to make her look like the bad guy to save their precious feelings. Noah is awesome for sticking up for her. Next year buy them all the cheapest gift cards you can find and say "After last year I realized my best efforts are not appreciated so this year I put in the least amount of effort possible"
If this young woman ever reads these comments, I'd love to let her know that she will be an amazing, loving and compassionate Mother. And I'm so proud of her Fiancé Noah for sticking up for her and standing up to his family for being pr!cks! I'd be delighted if my oldest Son brought such a young lady home and even moreso knowing she's blessing us with the 1st Grandchild of our family. She is NTA but Noah's family? They're all a bunch of cold, insensitive AH'S!!!
So were these all gifts the family were going to eventually give to each other, or had given to each other already? That's the only explanation I can think of to get that angry about her gifts. I do get how personal gifts can be uncomfortable to receive from someone who's not been in the family for long, but she is about to get married into the family and carrying a new member of the family. She definitely found herself a great guy. It's unfortunate that can't be said about his family. Something has to have happened, though. He would know his family well enough to know what would not be acceptable. That aspect is baffling.
Also I want to add, this poor woman has gone through a lot of psychological fuckery in her life, and it's very obvious with her apologizing for other people's bad attitude and terrible behaviour.
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If it was me, then I’d consider this a huge red flag as to your future dealings with them. I’d get married and then move somewhere far away - you don’t need such f**ked up people in your life.
She made them look bad by being too thoughtful and considerate. Something they wouldn't care less to do themselves. Also the feeling of "Oh no I have to reciprocate and think of something which they never would have made the effort to do. They may also not like her for whatever reason. Then they will be thinking dayum, she's overdoing this to make them look like AHs for doing nothing .
I feel like a lot of ppl who suffer from rejection and trauma are like this- super empathetic. I know I am- and this sounds a lot like something I would do. It comes from a place of wanting closeness with ppl, wanting a family. You can't help it if those ppl are AH, which they certainly were. I ended up with a similar situation when my husband and I first moved in together. We stayed with his sister for a week before our place was ready and they all had to work and I had nothing to do, so I washed a few dishes and hung out. I was severely judged because apparently, helping with the chores as a "thanks for letting us stay" gesture actually meant "you slob, how dare you not clean your dishes". She had a full time job, worthless husband, and a small child. I was just trying to help a tiny bit. Sorry! Geez! I truly hope OP realizes that her new in-laws are the ones with the attitude and that she didn't really do anything wrong other than try to love them. NTA in my opinion!
They probably felt guilty about not treating you with the same kindness and thought you showed them.
I'm shocked at the ungratefulness. Those gifts sound appropriate and personal but not too personal. It isn't something they have to wear. I think you have inadvertently shamed them for not putting in as much effort. Also getting them things they couldn't afford also might be shaming them for being 'poor'. All said, NTA, you are a thoughtful person and if you can, better not to have your fiance demand an apology. That's not sincere and will make things more awkward. But at the same time you should never take insults from them. That disrespect is uncalled for and unccceptable if you guys are going to be family.
They were upset... they got thoughtful, personalised gifts? This is either BS or the family are idiots NTA
Dearest GoldRule5895... Your future in-laws et al are obviously not used to people caring enough to put time and effort into them, and their reactions just a reflection of discomfort... but the way they handled it? Well, they're dooses (consider looking up doos in Afrikaans) for not seeing the care and love in your gesture. I'm sorry you've had to go through this, and seriously... you have zero to apologise for. As someone who is always the gifter and not the gift-ee, I would love for someone to bother to look me up online and fine-tune a gift, instead of the usual "you're impossible to gift for" (ie. Not even any gift) or mostly generic gifts. You're abiut to be part of this family, and personalised gifting is so special... a rule I have is that if I don't know you well enough (from conversations alone), then you'll just get nothing. Though I'm sure they would've found fault with that too. Wishing you all the best, and please... keep being true to yourself, what you did was beautiful
I confess I had a difficult time getting through this, as the effort OP went to with the gifts is completely normal to me and -- in our family at least -- exactly how you show people you care about them, pay attention to them, and want to see them happy. Not every gift is always a bullseye, but OP's description is the ideal you are supposed to shoot for, and it's the effort that counts. . . The family's response, however... I thought I must have misread or misunderstood at first, but after rereading it, I am just aghast. If this were my family I would take my husband outside, reassure him that his gifting was absolutely without equal, then take him home and inform my family the following day they were disowned and never to contact me again. The poor man must have been MORTIFIED. This is quite literally the worst christmas debacle I have ever read, and by a VERY wide margin. My heart goes out to OP and her partner.
I believe you are a saint to their sinner. They got shown up by you. You're new to the family and do not yet have all the short hand and history and inside jokes developed yet. However, your AMAZING ability to pay attention shows them to be self-serving and less thoughtfuleven for each other. Each of those children should have already found that frame for the dad, clothes for the kid to play with, and all the gifts could have been given by the folks who know them best. They're embarrassed they didn't give those gifts to their loved ones. They clearly were simple to figure out (even if not easy to execute), but NONE of them took the time. I feel that may be part of the issue. Noah clearly never foresaw this, but he has clearly been raised by good people because he is doing the right thing and backing you. I truly hope this becomes your first of many family anecdotes and stories shared and teased by all of you. Next year is a new opportunity to show them up, yet again. May I suggest fitting yet sillier gifts. Like an anchor for the sister who sunk your spirts and the party... Just know people do not like having their faults spotlighted, especially in front of loved ones. ...oh, holloween clown makeup for the one family member struggling financially and not able to buy they high end stuff... You can't control other people actions only your own actions and reactions. Keepon the side of love and service and they will eventually understand thT is why Noah loves you! Best wishes!!!!
I believe that You did the best thing in the World for looking up for individual items for each Family Member, outstanding for Your Efforts. And for Them to be snotty towards You, not worth the time, some People demeanor never changes. You give Them a Million dollars and They look at it, like it's not enough. If it was Me, I wouldn't go there for a while and just send Christmas 🎄 cards. That's being really rude on Their parts, You're just trying to fit in. Take a step back and have fun with You and your Husband & Little One. Family can cause pain, even when it's not normal. You tried your best at being part of the Family, but They pushed You away. Again, take time away from Them, Outstanding effort on your part.
Sounds like they were all jealous and then went into like mob mentality to protect themselves. She outdone them all and nothing makes unhappy people mad than when children of the family are super gushy about presents they got from a new member of the family. I've experienced this first hand as well. I give gifts the same as you do. I have ADHD so I make notes in my phone throughout the year on little comments people make that I am thinking of buying gifts for (be out Christmas or bday or whatever). That way I'm not panic buying last minute and stressed out bc I don't know what to get them. Most people even if they were weirded out a little would just think it was nice and move on. This was like Cinderella and the stepmother and step children level of ganging up on her. I was very glad to read the bf 100% stood by her and backed her up!
If true: That fam's a whole a*s herd of AHs. I love well-thought-out gifts! She took time and energy to get everyone the perfect gift. They are weird and ungrateful. Who flips a wig over this?! Not stalker vibes at all.
I think they planned on hating whatever she got them (because they're against her being brought into the family), and that is likely why it took a day for them to say why they were upset. They had a family meeting beforehand and agreed they would all hate this "unwanted newcomer's" gifts. And when they all saw that what they got was things they couldn't complain about, they had another family pow-wow and agreed to call her a stalker and overly involved. I mean, if they felt that way from the beginning (so much so that they would say it to her face while she's APOLOGIZING later) then they would have said so the day of. I think they all liked the gifts but had to get their stories straight to ensure they were all on the same hateful page.
Diet books and fertility treatments are "too personal". Not gifts they literally said out loud they wanted. But rejoice OP! You are off the hook for gift giving! Next year, make a joint donation to Save The Children in the family's name.
Wow... Noah's family are a bunch of ungrateful jackholes. When I saw the title of this entry, I thought by "personal" it meant REALLY personal... like stuff you would ONLY tell your spouse - ie: she got them sex toys or... addiction therapy sessions. She actually got them **exactly what they wanted and had told others they wanted** - and they lashed out at her? The next time ANY of them dare to complain "I never get anything I want" - they should be HARSHLY reminded of their a$$hole behaviour in this incident.
This is so weird, yes they had "just" met her but she is joining the family. My SIL mentioned once she liked Kate Spade (She saw mine the first time we met and made a throwaway comment that she loved the brand), I got her a KS bag for her first Christmas. Id maybe met her once before but she was marrying my younger brother. It sounds like this woman did much of the same, she listened, and got gifts accordingly. These people are freaking nuts
I personally think the family just felt embarrassed because she had taken more time in their gifts and are acting defensive instead. Also, many families can take offense when people are pregnant before marriage. My in-laws never accepted me for that reason and I gave them the only grandchildren they had. His mom hated me from the day she met me until the day she died. Crazy people are like that.
It should be a very rare thing where a Christmas gift recipient complains or gripes about a true and heartfelt personal gift. I'm glad that Noah stuck up for OP but she's still feeling bad about the situation. I hope that gets sorted out.
As a gift recipient I would be embarrassed at how thoughtful OP's gift was compared to my gift card.
Hon, you need to first hug Noah for standing up for you,and being there for you. I know that some people think that this story isn't true, but I had in laws like that,and I would tell my ex not to involve me with anything after they insulted my parents after they invited his parents to Christmas dinner, and my Momma was seeing red, and my Daddy was ready to act like Muhammad Ali. The only person that I liked, who stood up for me was my ex's cousin, because he knew how my ex's family was. You just need to distance yourself from them, and try not to be tempted to sign " The Stalker " on any cards like I would actually do. LOL Your in-laws have no class whatsoever, because they insult you, were cruel to you,but yet they kept your gifts. They should've just said " Thank you ", and enjoy that you considered them important enough to get personalized gifts for everyone, but they crossed a boundary, and I salute Noah for what he did.
[a] Thank that partner, for standing by her, and [b] give each family member a piece of coal next year EVEN IF they've made up. It's still very-personally-appropriate (so they can be annoyed), but low-effort.
There is a wide body of research pointing to the significant psychological benefits of helping others and being thoughtful in our words and deeds. These actions stimulate the reward center of the brain and result in feelings of happiness, pleasure, contentment. It's possible, if not probable, that OP's tragic upbringing caused her to develop these traits as a coping mechanism that have become part of her psychopathology. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, so long as she knows how to set/reinforce boundaries so she isn't taken advantage of due to her lovely, albeit hard won, personality. That being said, I think this reaction from the family is horrendous and probably comes from the shame of not putting any thought into their own gifts, which is likely what they usually do because they're not thoughtful people. It seems like a knee jerk response to feeling called out, except that's not her intention.
(Ran out of room) That they would feel called out by her thoughtfulness and immediately assign malicious intent to her gift giving says a great deal about these people. They view others, and basic human empathy and kindness, as having an ulterior motive and have no understanding that these traits can exist on their own with no expectation of reciprocity. To them, gifts are transactional obligations and she WAY outdid them. Of course, this isn't the case at all but to them it looked like she had something to prove. I'm not justifying their behavior at all, just seeking to peel away some of the layers here. The sister who called OP a stalker and taunted her about her abusive upbringing should be smacked right in her nasty mouth with one of those books she loves so much. That was just abuse, it's not even a question. SHE specifically owes OP a very sincere apology. And until/unless that happens, I wouldn't allow her anywhere near the baby.
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The family sound like jerks especially the sister should be ashamed of herself for speaking to her or anyone else in such a harsh manner! Personally I would have slapped her is she was my sister or daughter for being such a rude/mean person to anyone. This poor girl was not in the wrong at all! She was excited about the holiday with her new undeserving family and wanted to show it by doing something sweet and wholesome for them. The fact that they took it to that level is sickening and shows just how nasty people are in the world these days!! SMH
How bizarre. I feel like there is something missing from the story.
Oh man! What a bunch of ungrateful, nasty people. Firstly, you've gone to do much effort and they treat you like cr*p. I understand you were trying to keep the peace, but but IMHO you shouldn't have apologised at all. You should've taken the gifts back and told them where to go. Secondly, with gifts like that, you can come to ours for next Christmas. I also like books and make up (I have a jewellery box). Seriously though, don't beat yourself up about this. You did a wonderful, thoughtful thing. It's their problem if they can't see that. Your baby is lucky to have a mum like you. And God on Noah for having your back! Take comfort in knowing that, while extended family is awful, you've got the chance to create your own happy family now. I wish you all the best
You are a beautiful soul. I would absolutely LOVE something like this. My family would have thought you were so amazing for doing something so personal. His family does not appreciate you. I'm so happy Noah understood and told them to apologize. He helped you with gifts. You didn't stalk. Again, you're an amazing person. For that
I’m suspecting some nuances that OP didn’t pick up on with this family. Are these people from a small tight knit community? They may view her as an outsider. I experienced a some of that with a few members of my husband’s family very early in our marriage. That one sister though, she’s an outright B****. I wouldn’t be surprised if she isn’t at the root of some of the issues. Going forward gift cards for the adults from now until the end of time. The kids should still get personal gifts, even as they mature. They will always cherish the thoughtfulness.
It didn't occur to anyone that Noah had helped?! You may both have to find your own family. I'm available for the crazy auntie...
They sound like a bunch of ungrateful a******s. Glad OP’s fiancé has her side.
As a fellow gifter, I can say that reactions to personal gifts can really vary. I've had some people be uncomfortable who I actually knew well, but found out later it was because they had just gone the gift card level route for me and felt bad about it, like they were under pressure to do better, which had never occured to me. I effing love receiving gift cards, it's by far my favorite kind of gift. I've also gotten gifts for people who responded with genuine appreciation, and others who just didn't care about the effort. It can also depend on the gift. My mom got her parents a $500 robo vac, because they're elderly walking/cleaning hurts them. She's not on great terms with them. She also can't sit still too long so visiting over the holidays she cleaned their house. They took offense, feeling like she was judging their (quite excellent) house keeping skills. If it had been from me, because our relationship is different/closer, they'd have reacted totally differently. That said, none of OPs gifts were judgemental or could have been interpreted as anything other than really thoughtful. If the family felt bad for not putting in similar effort, that's on them. OP didn't seem the least bit offended by gift cards. I have a very thoughtful gifter/acts of service oriented friend but she lives in S Korea while I live in the USA, so she mostly sends money, to me, but mostly for my son, who she is close with. To show appreciation I send her a picture of what we buy with it, and try to find something that also reflects our relationship. Example, she's professional artist, and my son has a growing interest in graphic art and animation, so I used the birthday money she sent to buy him a drawing tablet, hoping it would give them more to talk about/bond over.
Sounds like they want Noah to themselves. If you've been in this situation, you realize how petty family members act when they feel like they're losing them.
She did nothing wrong! She didn't buy gifts that were too expensive;she bought thoughtful gifts and she even made some of the gifts! The family is horrible! I would NEVER buy them another gift, but I am petty like that. We could be married 30 years and no one in that family that behaved rudely would EVER get another gift from me. NEVER!
With no other information I have to take this story at face value, but I just can't imagine an entire family acting like this. One black sheep, maybe, but an entire family? And the fiancé, from the same family, didn't see this coming? Something just seems off... If the whole situation is exactly as described, this poor, poor woman is in for a rough time. Anyone who has married into a close family (me, for example) knows that the family is going to be a constant, important part of your life going forward. It absolutely sucks that this family sounds like trash!
Wow. If this true, my heart goes out to her. They treated her terribly after she put so much effort into their gifts. Her first Christmas too. I wish my step dad had cared that much and put that much effort into it. I wish I could give her a big hug.
Mentalists are able to seem psychic by paying attention and playing on the fact that people are forgetful. This family's response is weird to me, but I have to assume they said those things in passing and quickly forgot they mentioned it. When OP's gifts were so personal, they may have wondered how OP could have known in much the same way people wonder how a mentalist could have known something, which made them uncomfortable and they didn't bother thinking it through. That's not to excuse their reprehensible behavior, but it's the only way I can fathom anybody would respond in such a way.
I totally understand how the OP feels. I do the same thing that she does. When I am in the company of someone I'm going to be gift shopping later, I pay attention to what they say all year long, as I guess I am preparing my list subconsciously all the time. I'm kind of of like the Google assistant, who is constantly perched on the edge of her seat waiting for those Holden words to be said, " Hey Google!" So she can jump right in and focus her laser be attention on whomever has called for her aid.As soon as I hear someone say something like ' I wish I had one of those" or I want that" or something along those lines, I leave whatever inner world I was currently inhabiting and leap right back to the external world and make a note of what it is they were referring to. I might ask follow up questions if it is necessary, such as which color they prefer, or what size they think they might wear, etc. Then on Christmas, I am so pleased with myself for getting them something I am confident
they want and am so excited to see their reaction when the open it and see what it is. And like the OP, this has backfired on me. My gift recipients have never been as rude or cruel as this family was to her, but I have gotten backlash more than once. This is the incident that first came to mind so I'll quickly share it. Sometime during the previous eleven months, I had been with my mom, when a commercial for a salad shooter came on. This was in the 80's, so doubtless, a lot of people don't know what that is. It was a little food chopper that you would feed vegetables or chunk cheese onto the top and it would shoot it out the side, all grated. It worked especially well on cheese, and was so much easier than grating by hand. Anyway, I made my mental note, and on Christmas, there I was standing in front of my mother, eagerly waiting for her to open her gift. She looked at it,
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If my family ever did that to my girl they would never hear from me again.. Such pompous ASh's..
Nta. I am really surprised that the whole family, other than Noah, is so f****d up. Truly hard to understand. I can see them being weirded out by the presents but the response is way out of line. How is it too personal for a new family member? They're treating her like a stranger. I can only say this is a good thing that happened so early on. From now on, give them nothing or a useless gift card. They will know why
It seems to me what's happening from a psychological perspective is that they are embarrassed that they spent almost no time getting to know who you really are so that they could give you a personalized gift and welcome you to the family. It's a fairly human reaction to feel angry in order to block the underlying feeling, which is shame brought on by embarrassment. When you realize how much better person someone else that you're dealing with is then you are and when you're worried that you can't live up to them. A natural reaction for some small petty shriveled up inside, angry, selfish narcissistic people is to focus on that feeling of inadequacy that they have inside and block any kind of feelings of shame or disappointment in themselves by using anger, which is typically a blocking emotion that keeps you from having to feel small and humble and inadequate next to your kindness, thoughtfulness, and generosity.
It seems you've been introduced to some narcissistic people! I don't know really. But would love to hear their side of why they thought you were creepy. Keep us posted
I’m pretty sure they just genuinely dislike her and don’t want her to be part of the family. The gifts were just something to bully her for. His family is a little nutty. I wouldn’t want to be a part of that, but it is what it is. And the reason why they hate her she is probably socially awkward-have social phobia because of her childhood. Definitely not somebody who is very adjusted and at ease at every social setting. Usually families are very cruel to future in laws like that. Because in their imagination they are better then this and their offsprings need to bring home bubbly extraverts who will fit right in and be their best friends.
Sounds like they're angry they got thoughtful gifts. Please be fake story.
You're apologizing to the internet for something you never did wrong. I hope OP and fiance can distance yourselves from the weirdos.
This family needs therapy. What the c**p would.ANYONE think this when all she did was personalize their gifts which shows she went out of her way to make sure they got something they would like. What a bunch of mental BS. Next year ( if their is another year with these weirdos) get them a gas card, lol O'Neal
Definitely not the AH. She put a lot of thought into the gifts; more than I would have. After their reactions, I wouldn't buy any of them another gift. Have Noah buy them in the future. Believe me, after a few years, it'll be on you to do the shopping. Get Noah involved now so that he can get in the habit of his having the responsibility for his own family. Rude people like these don't deserve your thoughtfulness.
Once you said that your fiance's family gave you gift cards, I felt like the primary issue here is that they were embarrassed by their lack of thought given to your gift in comparison to what you did. Your gift giving skills are clearly exceptional and not stalker-ish in the least. Likely, it would have helped the situation if you and Noah had put both of your names on the gifts. That way the family may have been less "stunned" by the level of thougthfulness. They could have chocked it up to a wonderful son and his sweet soon-to-be bride. You have plenty of time to demonstrate your finesse of gift giving. Don't let their inability to extend a gracious thank-you keep you from a skill you have mastered. My own husband's grandmother gave me a lovely bracelet for Christmas the first time he took me to meet them. She knew nothing about me, but wanted me to be included in their celebration. I still think of that selfless act with warm feelings.
Let's think here a minute about what a "gift" really is. A gift is something that you give to someone that you believe they are going to enjoy and that you are going to enjoy giving. I always keep my ears open when around loved ones to see what they might want or need. I cannot stand it when people ask people what they want, then buy it. That is not a gift. That's more like Amazon delivery. There is no thought or heart put into the gift. I would have been touched that this young woman put so much into her gifts for the family.
It's the thought that counts,I think you should be commended for putting such time and effort into the gifts,NTA
This fiance in no way overstepped. These gifts were very thoughtfully picked out for each person.. In fact, when my fiance spent his first married Christmas with my family, he asked for some photos of my Dad's first service station business from years before. He restored and framed them, and they were the hit of the day! It was my Dad's favorite gift. That other family should be ashamed of themselves for acting that way. They should be welcoming that young woman who cared so much to try to personalize their gifts.What did they want? Money? I wish she was on my gift list instead of some other people I know who make me dread gift giving. Gift giving should be exactly like what she did- from the heart, and geared to something that the gift giver will love. I hope that family realizes the errors of their ways. If not, she and her fiance should spend their Christmases volunteering to help those less fortunate, or with their friends- who will appreciate it!
I find this story to be bull. From the moment I started to read to all the edits... I doubt this happen.
The family is the AH. I'm glad your fiance stood up for you. I love thoughtful, caring gifts and I love giving gifts like that too. It shows love and care. They sound like a bunch of miserable, disgusting people. Probably disappointed in themselves that they can't be that nice and loving. Keep your distance.
Why is she giving separate gifts from her fiance? By that point wouldn't they be gift giving as a couple? Ignoring that oddity, I'm very much like this woman. I pick up little details and squirrel them away for a good gift. Never had this reaction but as someone who also has a bad family past I'd feel terrible if that was thrown in my face. The sister should be ashamed of herself.
Sounds like a horrible family outside Noah, her husband. The biggest A-hole is the sister that said such awful things, using OP's tragic past where she was the victim, against her. Can we day GASLIGHTING? Of Noah never forgave his family, I would not be surprised. Hopefully his family grows the f-up!
Unfortunately, both of my brothers are married. Don't get me wrong my sisters in law are great women. I love them and they are part of the family, but I mean if something happened to one of them could I set you up? Or can we just adopt you? Your gifts and gestures sound wonderful and we would happily welcome you! Also kuddos to Noah for sticking up for you!
The adults are the A**Holes. When my neice was a teen she asked why I always got her cool gifts but her other aunts just gave her gift cards. I explained I pay attention & get something that will be liked, useful or unique, often less expensive than the cards! She learned to do the same with gifts her family actually uses! You are a brilliant & generous person & a treasure to those screwed up adults. I hope you can teach them how to be thoughtful & generous like you are! I disagree with the psychologists who commented in this article about not giving thoughtful gifts. Ask me who gave me specific gifts & I can tell you from items 30 years old! Ask me where I got a gift card recently... no clue!! Give those ungrateful future relatives gift cards and give your true friends thoughtful gifts! I challenged my sibling to not spend over $5, once. The most liked gift...a $3 wrench for the guy who tinkered on his car, even years later!
The family is clearly jealous of her efforts and consideration. To them, she makes their gifts they gave seem cheap and impersonal because they are insecure, which is a them problem that they shouldn't take out on her! NTA
My guess is that they weren't angry about the gifts as much as they were embarrassed that they didn't spend near as much time or thought on her gifts as she did on theirs. I've seen that before where someone will lash out ("you're a stalker!") because of an insecurity (disproportionate gift giving). That's a very real thing in my circles at least!
Weird family. I would've been happy my gift was something I liked or wanted.
It would be an honor to have the OP in my family. The time, attention and heartfelt gifts in this story warmed my heart. What family would treat someone like that?? Terrible human beings. And kudos to the fiance for sticking up for her. Family owes her a huge apology, and needs to check themselves. Her gifts show she listens and takes to heart what she hears. People like that are worth more than anything.
I can't even imagine! She went above and beyond to not only make things personally but pick things that actually meant something. Not just stupid gift cards or things people dont want or need and then gives or throw away!! Im so glad to here at least her fiance was on her side. That family is totally messed up for thinking this way.
You might want to not see these cruel people again. Doubt very much that they will change anytime soon. Maybe you shouldn't marry BF. Maybe this is a red flag about just how nasty they are. Maybe down the road your BF maybe just as bad.
this is very sad. for the first christmas i spent with my in laws (now outlaws due to divorce but we still love each other after being married to their son for 32 yrs) i made each of them robes. they lived in a really cold area and i had asked my then hubby about their sizes. should have realized that men don't measure things like we do. when they opened them up and put them on they got swallowed by them! my mil was a tiny lady but i had been told she was about a size 16. i had used the most soft and warm material i could find so they looked like grizzly bears before hibernating. we all laughed but i was so embarrassed.
It's two things. You gave them thoughtful gifts, they gave you gift cards. You paid attention to what they said, obviously they didn't do the same to you. It made them look bad, at least to them. Number two, you are very important to Noah and he is equally important to you. They are afraid they'll lose him. He won't be as accessible to them now, that he has his own family. It's their problems not yours. Love Noah and your first child and let them deal with their own issues.
I think the only thing she did wrong was apologize to those ungrateful monsters. Next year I would get all the adults the same generic hot chocolate mug set for $10. Maybe that would suit them better.
When you chose presents, you first took the trouble to know about the family. After you gave them, you really knew about this family. In the future, any presents you give them should be gift cards to stores they would never shop in. (You don't want to be too up close and intrusive.)
Don't they also have a baby on the way; due in May? Do they honestly think the son they are so close to wouldn't tell his fiancé all about them? My gifts to my in laws were thoughtful when we first got married because my husband hated gift shopping and helped me with ideas that were thoughtful. These people sound like they were pressed out of a mold labeled Suburban Family Type II.
jealous is the problem with this whole family, the op did something for everyone of them that they were in si clueless how to do and treat family, this is how people used to shop for Christmas and no longer do because of lazyness an lack of caring and the lack of listening to what others say. op did nothing wrong and ANY family worth a salt would love to have her joining their family. I have gift cards from xmas and birthdays from a couple years running that have gone unused because I had no desire to use. op sounds perfect to me because she shows caring and knows how to be that type of person --perfect--in my eyes... her and fiance need to take the baby when it comes and get far away from this bunch.
I kinda get it and also really don't. I had a friend who would do overly personal gifts and it really was too much. It did feel stalkery and weird because we weren't that close. I had to cut ties eventually because she went too far and was making people uncomfortable. But that was many instances over a year not like this situation! What happened to being polite and welcoming and valuing effort for a new member of the family. Da fuq people. It's a one off impression and she would have adjusted once she experienced her first Christmas when she saw others' efforts.
Honestly it sounds like she was an actual friend to you but you weren't one to her and wasn't honest about it. You Honestly sound insufferable not to mention utterly hateful.
Load More Replies... Folks, there is something between "Amazon gift card" and "tracking down your social media to find out your favourite books despite not really knowing you"
It takes 30 seconds and at least you were thoughtful. If something was that private you wouldn't post it publicly
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Sounds like there's a lot more to this then meets the eye. One-sided story that had the outcome op wanted. Drove a wedge between Noah and his family while playing the victim. Everyone thinks poor op but I have seen this before. I don't buy this for a second and neither should anyone else.
So what do you think REALLY happened since you've seen this before? How is op the bad guy?
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If this story is true, I hope that family (minus Noah) realises they’re a pack of AH and may this story go very viral so they can be embarrassed on a global scale.
I agree. This doesn't sound real. "I was so thoughtful, getting personalized gifts for my future in laws, that they all hate me."
Load More Replies... saw an interesting comment on Reddit from u/AhabMustDie, in response to someone saying none of them were TA: "I would argue that not all feelings (and definitely not all ways of expressing them) are valid. If someone holds a door open for me to be nice, and it offends me because I think they’re being sexist, or think they’re implying I have weak arms, or ascribe some weird malicious intention to them, I wouldn’t say those feelings are particularly warranted or valid… They are my hang up and my responsibility, and I’d be a raging assh*le to bark at the nice stranger for doing something courteous. This is like an extreme version of that - I guess the family has a “right” to their feelings insofar as they are involuntary, but they should also recognize that their feelings are not warranted or valid, and they should shut the f*ck up about them."
Agreed. Especially the line they told her about "we can see why your own family doesn't want you." That's just straight-up emotionally abusive. You have a right to your feelings, but you don't have a right to abuse others. I'm really glad this woman's fiance seems to realize how toxic his family's behavior was and is standing by her. They ganged up on her and are bullying at this point.
Load More Replies... What!? Angry because they got perfect gifts?!? Geesh! And calling her the stalker? Did they overlook their little Noah as being part of the decision for the gifts and probably suggestions too? I guess if you're family you're exempt from being creepy and giving your girlfriend advice? I hate(yes the strong form of the word) people who can't appreciate time, effort, and thoughtfulness when receiving gifts. I have more to rant, but I'm running out of BP friendly words!
It seems a horrid way to "welcome" someone into the family. Wondering if the gift drama is just an excuse to be mean, b/c they can't stand to share Noah w/ an "outsider"? Could Noah's parents be controlling types, or practice triangulation w/ their loved ones? Maybe they'll never approve of a partner they didn't hand-pick themselves for their offspring? My mother was exactly like that, and it tore her family apart, in the end. i moved 2K miles away to build a life & protect my own kids from such manipulations. Dimes to dollars, this wretched family is setting itself up for disappointment. In 5 years, when they realize Noah has become a veritable stranger to them & they have no real relationship w/ his kids, they'll blame OP. It won't be her fault at all, of course, but their own. Sadly, people so tribal, judgmental & reactionary are rarely big on self-reflection or accountability for their own unkindness. Hope OP & Noah move far, far away. So they can build a happier family together.
Load More Replies... This poor woman. I am absolutely thrilled whenever I'm gifted something so thoughtful. She went to such lengths to show she cared and her fiance's family treated her like trash AND kept the gifts anyway? Screw. Them. Either they apologize for how hurtful they were or she and her fiance start building a life away from them.
I love looking for fitting gifts and have made some people uncomfortable with this before, but as I hate getting generic gifts I just can’t bring myself to give them. You either get something personal or you get nothing, sorry not sorry. :p
I'm sorry this happened to you. I didn't realize it was a thing. Please keep giving thoughtful gifts and the people who really love you will appreciate them.
Load More Replies... It sounds like there is some massive disfunction happening in Noah's family that has not been disclosed or admitted to.
I was thinking that maybe this is a bizarre family that would try to drive away anyone Noah dates no matter what. Sometimes families are insane like that. My uncle's first wife had abusive parents who hated her, and they tried to scare him off. Instead, her dad ended up in jail for assault. There could be a "no one is good enough for Noah" thing going on too.
Load More Replies... Oh my Dear - I am actually the one in the family who gives the incredible, beautiful, amazing, awesome gifts. It happens because I think of them, and it takes time. In my years, it has been, at times a heartbreak The giving of a gift - is selfless - even if there is grief - a gift can only be shared in selflessness And please, continue to find and give magical gifts, whenever, it is in your heart
i bet your friends & family treasure their gifts from you! nothing is more precious than a thoughtful present given with love. i'm sure your loved ones are so grateful to have you in their lives
Load More Replies... I think what happened here is that the family went the easy way with gift cards and didn't bother to find out what OP would truly like and quite possibly do so with each other too, so when OP went all in and truly put in effort they felt shamed. That's still not on OP though. But I think OP didn't realise that the family isn't as close as they thought they are. If this had happened in my family, everyone would have been pleasantly surprised and happy. We do not always put in as much effort as we should, life happens and sometimes you just don't have the time, but we sure can appreciate it when someone does. But many people are unable to just appreciate a nice gesture and take everything as criticism. When I got sick this summer, my MIL took care of my garden and made sure my plants didn't die. I was very happy about that. But a friend said she'd be outraged if her MIL would 'stick her nose into her affairs'. I personally think that's just stupid.
I agree. Some people are very quick to take offense and see a friendly gesture as impeding on their personal space or liberty. I have no idea if this is correct, but in my mind I see the OP as a nice, warm person who hasn't had a family to lavish her attention on. She might be "too much" in some ways, but her intentions are good. The in-laws strike me as cold and slow to invite people into their inner circle. In the terms of my favorite pseudo science, she's an ESFJ who is marrying into a family of ISTJs or INTJs. No matter what personality type though, the in-laws are still in the wrong.
Load More Replies... I think there is more to the story. The intention was goid. Obviously the girl is trying too hard, personalized gifts.. just wow.... if they think she overstepped, then the family may be a very close knit family who are choosy on who they let in their lives. I know those types of families. Everyone is not the same. For me, if given such gifts, I'll be very appreciative. She did nithing wrong. It is them, not her 🤣🤣🤣
There may be more but it rings to me of basic jealousy. People put less and less effort into things like gifts, and the holidays have become so superficial, I think the adults (remember, they gave gifts cards, nothing personal, yet they surly knew Noah well enough & with a baby coming to have thought of something to get), I believe they were embarrassed by her thoughtful gifts and they, the adults, decided to blame her for their lack of thought. OP stated that the children were thrilled with her gifts.
Load More Replies... I’d love for my son to have such a thoughtful fiancé.. they sound like awful people
Me too... I have an older Son in his mid 20's and if he brought home a young woman who was as thoughtful as her, I'd hug her so tight, esp after knowing how bad her childhood was. She's going to he an excellent Mother!
Load More Replies... Next year just get each and everyone of them a single pair of generic black socks. Basically the equivalent of a lump of coal.
I'm glad you got Noah, but sorry you got a bunch of huge AH'a for future "family". So many people take having a family for granted. Good luck to you and Noah! Sooo NTA.
My thinking is the family's horribly unkind and unappreciative reactions seems like a guilt response. With sister being the worst offender. Maybe just before the two of them arrived, that OP had been the subject of discussion. Gossip talk. Then she goes and blows their minds with her thoughtfulness. GUILT! my family was like this so this is the flavor I'm getting. Could be wrong tho.
I wonder if maybe the adults were more offended that someone new took the time to get thoughtful gifts and they did not. So now they look bad. Just my thought.
Said the same up above. Humans at their jealous worst. I didn’t think of that, you made me look bad, I will attack you for making me look bad even though I was. Human nature.
Load More Replies... Noah is definitely a keeper. His family, not so much... The OP did the same things I try to do when buying presents: I despise giving gift cards. They feel impersonal to me, so I pay attention to people's likes and dislikes and try to make each present personal for the intended recipient. That is NOT stalking. That is being a good friend/person and actually paying attention to the people we care about. It is perfectly fine to be disappointed with a gift, but never be disappointed with the effort the person put into it if it is an honestly intended gift.
Christ, I thought you got them vibrators or bras in their exact sizes. No, the problem here is just how thoughtless, unobservant and half-assed **THEY** were, and you made them realize it, in contrast to their own slap-dash ultra-impersonal gift cards.THEY are AHs, ESPECIALLY to bring up your lack of family as they did. This year I told my MIL before Xmas that I DO NOT like chocolate. She gives me a box of chocolate for Xmas. She also gave me a 15-bag box of lemon-ginger tea with 5 bags left in it. Jeez I understand regifting in this economy but for the love of gawd at least check it isn't used and 3/4 gone.
Mt mother is a hairstylist. I've been hearing since I can remember that I can't use Paul Mitchell brand shampoo abd because of me no one else in the family can either because I am allergic and break out in hives. For my birthday this year I got shampoo and conditioner l. The brand name was a tree logo. I used it abd my scalp and neck were on fire and my eyes swelled shut. Looked closer at the packaging and under the tree it says "Paul Mitchell industries" or however it was!worded. I think she tried to kill me I really do.
Load More Replies... My sister and I love gift shops. If we are not together, we will get each other something that reminds us of each other. When my mom quit her job at the restaurant we worked at, the managers got her a James Avery charm bracelet as a way to say goodbye. We don't know them that well and we still thought the bracelet was a beautiful and thoughtful gift. This family sounds like a bunch of awful and unhappy people and this woman didn't do anything wrong.
Well next year I hope she gets them nothing and say "I didn't feel there was anything I could give you guys without causing a huge fight so..🤷🏼♀️" Seriously, don't get them gift cards. Give the kids stuff cuz they appreciate it, but not a damn thing for the adults.
Instead of asking the internet, sit down and talk with your in-laws. Relationships are complex, we only get one side of the story. I find it hard to believe people would react to getting gifts in such a way.
I think she should wait until the tensions calm to sit down with the in-laws, for her own emotional health and for the sake of the baby. There probably is more to the story that what was posted, but no matter what happened, being a good host/gift receiver means accepting gifts with graciousness (even if they aren't to your taste). At the very least, the in-laws should apologize for the way they reacted, even if there are other issues at play.
Load More Replies... I'd be thrilled if someone got me one of these thoughtful gifts. The family should feel ashamed of how rude they were to this woman. I had a similar thing a few years ago. It was a friend's birthday and along with some clothing and other small things, I made her a jar with lots of little notes in it with all the reasons she's such a great friend. I went to her house a few months later and it hadn't been opened and one of her friends said she would have been de estate to receive such a cheap gift. I felt so hurt, embarrassed and that I was the one who had made a fool of myself. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I now realise some people are simply ungrateful. I'm glad this person's partner is standing by her but if I was her, I wouldn't waste anymore time in future on buying them gifts again. Hope she feels better soon.
Wtf? Is this a real post? Who would get mad at that?! You may not have met them in person more then once prior but your marrying a member of their family and you literally went out of your way to find stuff they would like. They are incredible a******s and shame on them. Don’t feel bad. I would of been happy. People’s positive intentions should never be punished or made to feel wrong just because it was not expected. Ridiculous people. Next year give them coal.
Wow, just what? NTA. Next year get them all $20 giftcards without even putting their names on the envelopes. They want nothing, give them nothing. Frankly it just sounds like they were jealous the little kids liked what they got from OP way more than their parents/older sibling. But yeah, full no contact until apologies. I know how hard it can be to tell a potential new family to scoot off when a family is all you've ever wanted. But, don't trade one shìtty family for another shìtty family.
Yeah, thinking next year, should just be an intimate Xmas at home for baby's first Christmas. I can only imagine how horrible they would make that experience for their young family if they have to be at their mercy for such an important occasion. Just send the (adults) family xmas cards, with 10 dollar gift cards inside. Drop the kids gifts off on Xmas eve. New traditions all around...
Load More Replies... Reading between the lines. This family just don't like their son being with ANYBODY and in some twisted world, it pains them that he's found someone nice. So they are finding fault in the most obscure things. I think them getting married and her being pregnant with their grandchild / niece / nephew, pretty much gives her the right to treat them like close family with personal gifts. WTF? They all seem like complete and utter toss wads. Their loss though. If I were her, I would never, ever spend more than $2 each and buy trinket trash for their sorry asses in future for anything. I would conveniently always forget their birthdays too. If they mentioned it, I would just say ' you don't like expensive gifts so I did what you wanted and didn't spend anything on you'. Yeah they really are stupid idiots.
If they want to hug the baby, she should say: don't be so stalkerish. You don't even know him or her.
Load More Replies... This girl is a gem. She is so thoughtful. That family is honestly awful. I’m so glad her significant other is supporting her. The only thing she should learn from this is that they suck.
I feel bad for being so cynical but most of these stories just sound made up. Like who would call their brother’s future wife a stalker because they bought you a thoughtful and personal gift ? And if you were the gift giver and that did happen why would your response be to give several over the top apologies? Also if she’s never met them how did she get all the ideas for stuff they would like? I’ve over thinking it lmao!
Before I say this, op is nta. "...who would call their brother's future wife a stalker because they bought you a thoughtful and personal gift?" 1. A nasty sibling with no thinking abilities. Maybe their brother told his fiance what to get them or what they would like. 2. "...if you were the gift giver and that did happen why would your response be to give several over the top apologies?" Given ops background, she probably just really wants to be on the family's good side. 3. "Also, if she's never met them how did she get all the ideas for stuff they would like?" They met over the summer and spoke on the phone, perfect moments to get to know them and their interests.
Load More Replies... I don't know when effort became a bad word. Trying too hard is a ridiculous complaint. They should be touched that she went out of her way to get them something special. The OP obviously has anxiety around family attachments and she went out of her way to do something nice. Not to mention that she's pregnant AND about to get married. A ton of AITA submissions use those events to act selfishly , but she is worried that they didn't like her gifts. She really sounds like a gem and I hope the family she is creating: herself, Noah, and the baby fill the void in her life.
The fact people actually said she was in the wrong is repulsive. She went out of her way to give the family things they actually wanted and they acted like it was the worst thing in the world. I would have probably cried if someone dating a relative got me something I had been wanting for a long while because it shows they actually give a damn.
Why would they go to stalker? Surely they realise her fiance knows them all well and could have given her advice on the gifts. These people are narrow,judgemental and just plain weird. The OP sounds wonderful and Noah seems to realise his girl has a pure heart. I feel so angry on her behalf. I also feel this is learned bully behaviour from a couple of bad influences with big mouths and rotted hearts in that family.
To be totally honest this sounds like Meghan Markle’s experience. I hope I’m not repeating anyone’s comments, but it is so blatantly stupid. Why on earth do people Choose to find offense in the innocuous?! It’s like poking your eye out on purpose? Wtf?!
Well I think she would make one heck of a personal shopper or decorator to keep such good details of likes and comments. I applaude you as no one has ever given me something I have said I wanted. Heck my husband missed my bday last year and didn't realize until the donuts I ubered wished me a happy bday and he asked what they ment. I said it's my bday. He said when. I said today. Ooooh he was soooo burned to have forgotten. But he asked what I wanted. I said a nice steak and a foot massage. I got the steak but he bought a foot massager. Ughhhh I wanted a hand rub. Not a machine. Well he's an idiot anyway.
I’ve always been told I go out of my way to get gifts that’s are personal, something I put thought into, that resonates the receiver’s personality and preferences, and by god I have too. Whether it was myself or others, I’ve watched those who received that gift that left them puzzled like “I have never wanted one of these nor ever mentioned it, why would they get me this?” But you put on that polite face. Those gifts scream “I was grabbed off an end cap at Walmart and will have to do.” She is a prize for the work involved, the expense and heartfelt, sincere and genuine effort to please her new family. If the adults saw this differently, they were seeing it differently on purpose, probably out of jealousy. A******s will try and make others look like a******s.
I think her disclosure hit their on prejudices and that mindset has directed their behaviour to treat the OP as untrustworthy, probably thinking “something must have been wrong with her” to have been abandoned. It’s the same mindset people have when finding out a person grew up in the foster care system or was adopted. This is a “loving family” only onto themselves. This is a family of bigots and they are showing their whole a*s to the OP.
What I find super odd is they all seem to be missing the point that the lovely lady is actually marrying into their family. Ergo it's not some random person their son has just brought home for Christmas and has only known them for 2 seconds. Even if she hadn't paid attention their son could have known what they would like for Christmas. I can not believe how messed up their response was to a person being thoughtful. I'm just relieved that her partner backed her up and actually seems normal. The damage this could do / have done to the OP is crazy. Sighs.
First of all NTA. Not only will she be marrying Noah, she is also already expecting their first child - and she is still considered nearly a STRANGER by the rest of the family? This must have hurt even more than being called a stalker -which is of course equally absurd. She might think that this family is close, however, I think they rather have a problem with really opening up their hearts... Her going above and beyond, remembering all the little details and getting them thoughtful gifts, just highlighted their own shortcomings. "Eh, a gift card for the new one will do!" (Where I live she would have most probably gotten a bottle of wine and some sweets...) Now they felt bad and tried to pin it on her, which is especially cruel if they knew about her bad childhood. The only thing I wondered reading the list of gifts was that they sounded pretty expensive - I hope Noah gave her some guidance in advance about how much money his family usually spends (in order not to go over the top).
Wow...what a bunch of rude, ungrateful morons. A**H0le is too nice of a word for this bunch. And major kudos to Noah for sticking up for her.
100% NTA. She did a beautiful thing for her fiancé’s family and it was met with spire and malice. As for why. I think it was possibly embarrassment that they have going to any effort for her. But instead of saying “thank you so much it’s beautiful“ and thinking to themselves “Christ, must pull stops out for her next b’day/Xmas” they felt indebted and turned it back on the op, especially when they started to talk to each outer about it Not an excuse but might explain the thought (or lack of) process. They still AHs. Good that Noah has her back
The family are a bunch of ungrateful azzholes. None of our was overly personal. If it was my sister who said that stuff to someone I loved, I would've decked her. What a hateful pos. It's good that her fiance stood up for her. Maybe they should cute ties with his family. No family is better than horrible family
Wow. I know how you feel. I was in a long term relationship and the first Christmas I kind of went all out. My mother-in-law was nice but my sister-in-law complained that I bought the kids cheap gifts ( I bought toys from Walmart but kids were rough and broke the toys) and that gift cards were much more appreciated. I came to realize the sister-in-law was using the gift cards on herself, not the kids. Overtime the whole family would make me feel insecure and that I was always the one doing something wrong. Even when I cook a dish for the holidays they always had a comment. ( Example: my family's way of making string bean casserole is to put a can of wax beans) Unfortunately my ex never stood up for me which is why we ended
It's very sad that the adults in this family need to look at the children to see how to properly act. I think it's strange that they are angry about the gifts being too personal when she's entering the family, for crying out loud. It doesn't get much more personal than that. Add to that the child she's carrying is their own blood. If I were her, I would take a step back and keep them at a distance. And when Noah's parents want to spend time with their grandchild, she should tell them "Oh, I'm sorry- that's much too personal for the status of our relationship." As for the sister, her comment was low. I wouldn't want anything to do with her. If she can easily be that mean in the beginning, I wouldn't want to see how nasty she gets later. I feel this is all a moot point, though. OP is too sweet for these in-laws, and she'll probably do whatever it takes to try to get on their good side. I just hope they don't take advantage of her. And if they do try I hope Noah handles them for her
When I read the title, i thought she was giving them something inappropriate. But those are just thoughtful gifts, she genuinely wanted to make them happy, so she did some research and found out what they like?
I think your child is going to be very lucky to have such a caring and loving mother.
This reminds me of a paper I read explaining why some people get offended when others are being too nice and trying too hard. Out of jealousy, lack of self-esteem, and competitiveness, some people don't like it when others are more charitable, more giving, more self-sacrificing and accommodating than them. They want to feel like they're equal or above the people around them and they feel comfortable being in that position. Because OP is better than them, they feel threatened by that. They also know their gifts were crappier and feel like her gifts to them make them look bad for not giving it more thought.
These people are complete jerks and idiots. What a nice thing to do and what a rotten reaction to it.
I had someone new in the family mock my gift to her, saying why would she even buy me anything especially something so ugly. It was my daughters fiancé. I thought, Ok, next year its coal for you baby!
Early into Covid I got the idea of getting some of my friends and coworkers some fabric masks before they'd become hard to get. I had a lot of fun with choosing the fabric designs based on each person to the best I could find. Several of them loved the masks, but a few of them honestly were creeped out that I got personalized ones instead of plain ones...Like... I've known you over a decade, do you really think I don't know your hobbies by now? I'm not talking personalized like names or anything. I got the girl who works part time at the yoga studio a pastel one with namaste on it, got the coworker who hardcore gardens one with flowers on it. 🤷 I think my boss loved hers the most out of everyone and wore it all the time, and you'd have thought hers would have been the difficult one, what with people's weirdness about getting gifts for their bosses/management. Whatever man, some people are crazy, I'm not gonna lose sleep at night over other people's opinions on personalized gifts.
This is easily the most horrid, unacceptable, and down right hateful thing I've read in a very long time. How can people be ok treating people like that? But more so, treating her like that over Christmas presents. Who the f*ck makes rules about gift giving and then verbally attacks someone by weaponizing her own awful personal experiences? It's sound like a household of sociopaths.
I have this system or method I use in this sort of situation if it's towards me I ask myself. Self do you think they tried to offend you? If the answer is no..and I'm offended.. I'm going to look like an ah a lot If you think they tried to offend you that's something different..
NTA at all but perhaps socially awkward and trying too hard yes. But definitely should not have been met with anger or mocking. The most important thing is intentions, and yours were clearly good. Maybe it just made them feel bad since they had make zero effort to be thoughtful about your gift.
The first year of marriage, my mother didnt buy anything for her family. She wanted buy really good gifts for my dad‘s family. She bought my grandma a really nice expensive coat. She bought his sisters really nice things.. the entire family. My grandmother yelled at her that she was showing off（my mom‘s family was well off）and threw the coat back at her. My mother was devasted. The truth was my grandmother never wanted my dad to marry my mother. My father was pissed, he knew how much thought and money went into those gifts. But my mother isnt a push over. She pulled my grandmother aside and told her that she knew that my father was her favorite child and she was carrying her grandchild. And if she doesnt start respecting her, she will make sure she never sees either of them again！My grandmother never uttered a single rude word to her again. So I dont think this about gifts at all... this family doesnt want her in their family period.
That was my feeling as well, considering the intensity of their anger. Thanks for sharing that story, it illustrates the dynamic quite well. And your mother handled that perfectly. Hopefully OP eventually can learn to stand up for herself as well but I am glad her fiance is standing up for her.
Load More Replies... Just reading the headline, my first thought was that she bought s-x toys or something else inappropriate. 😆
Lol. My words exactly. She got the sister or sisters Victoria’s Secret crotchless bikini panties? Or sexy calendars or sex toys. Or a lifetime supply of the type of tampons they wear. Now that’s creepy, too personal, etc. Her gifts were great. I love that one with favorite book titles, I’m a reader and so are several friends. Might steal that one.
Load More Replies... Those gift are so thoughtful and so much effort went to them that they probably felt guilty and embarrassed to not have anything remotely like that in return. Of course, the nice way would have been to just come out and say that and express how much they appreciated the presents but graciousness is not for everyone.
You sound amazing and so thoughtful! They sound like shmucks, and were probably embraced to realize how uncaringly they have been behaving to each other
Well, I think she actually went a bit over the top. A book sleeve with little details of a person's favourite books sounds great - if you've been close friends for a while. For a person you barely know it's a bit too personal, imo. And the picture frame with family photos that were not taken by or together with the giving person... idk, this is also a bit cringy. Yes, the gifts are very thoughtful! But imo a bit too personal for someone you don't know well and only for a short time.
Disagree. Too personal would be buying his sisters Victoria’s Secret underwear, or a sex toy. Nudie calendars for the men… or women. Lifetime supply of the kind of tampons his sister used. There’s personal, cringy, creepy. But if some one took the time to find out my favorite books? I’d be blown away, and very grateful. In fact, I may use that, what a hell of a gift idea! Putting together family photos for someone who mentions they wanted and couldn’t find such a thing with decent frame, the thought, time, effort and expense, that’s a hell of a gift. To each his own, I felt they were perfect gifts, well thought out and planned, unlike throwing gift cards at someone. All that says, if that’s how one gifts all the time is, I’ve got money so here, I don’t want to give you any real thought.
Load More Replies... If i was related to Noah I’d be telling him he found a keeper. I think the same way as OP, I notice everything, and *hear* everything, said to unsaid. I don’t WANT to, it’s generally awful in your personal life as you become the one who wants to make everyone happy / fix everything (great for my job though, where I have to make people happy and fix the, lol…), but the one thing it does is make me a great gift giver. I’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of giving three times in my life, and I could have cried with joy each time. I still have the gifts, 25, 18 and 2 year’s later (respectively), those gifts are going nowhere, and are in pride of place. I hope the family learns how appalling they were in their reaction and apologise sincerely to OP.
She pays more attention than is considered normal, that's the family's issue. I have an annoyingly good memory when it comes to having conversations with people. Months later, they'll repeat something they've told me and be shocked I already knew. So I think the family just forgot that they'd mentioned these things offhand. Personally, I love it when people remember things I've said, but if you're not expecting it it can seem like a huge deal.
I’m wondering if the family is angry because her effort far exceeds theirs. It just seems so weird to be angry about getting a personalized gift unless you felt guilty about the gift you gave and were trying to make yourself feel better about your own lack of effort. It’s not like she was being invasive and getting them tailored s*x toys or something like that. But I also don’t really have any close family and don’t know what the norm is for gift giving when someone isn’t part of the family
So this woman is going to marry their son and give them a grandchild, and they treat her as a complete stranger. Huge red flag. Then they call her out because SHE made personalised gifts while they just bought gift cards (and I bet they were pissed they had to buy her something). And finally, as she apologized, they ended bringing something hurtful and personal in the conversation to finish her off. Let her and future husband cut these bullies off.
Girl you are not in the wrong. Excuse me for being so blunt but the are dumb as hell if they couldn't see the effort you put into the gifts. Girl you have an amazing fiance to stand up for you like that! Kudos to him! There is nothing wrong with you it's them honey. I feel Noah I wouldn't go back around them until they apologize.
If any of my kids brought home someone as sweet and considerate as you, I'd be the proudest mom. Sure not everyone likes overly nice gifts, I'm one of them, but it's not something to call you a stalker over for actually listening to them when they mentioned their likes and interests. Being overly generous and kind to people like them will make them quickly realize they can use and manipulate you, so at least for a little while I would suggest keep your distance and refusing to do more than the minimum for gifts for the adults, if anything at all. It sounds petty, but if they're ungrateful for such wonderful gifts from the get go, they will always be that way because it amuses them to tear you down. I have family like this I recently cut off from treating me or my fiance like an ATM for their living expenses after being bad mouthed by them to our other family. You can never please people like them, it hurts but it's best to learn this now before you get even more emotional damage from i
Wow they would rather get a bunch of c**p gifts then something they really wanted and like. Notice the nasty scumbags didn't give ANY of the gifts back. Move back to where you were and forget these aholes!
IMO, his family must have been embarrassed because she gave them such thoughtful gifts. She listened to each of them and made a mental note of things that meant something to them. They did not put one bit of effort into getting a gift for their daughter in law/sister in law/ soon to be mother of their grandchild. Just grabbed a few gift cards at the grocery store check out. And on top of it all, they made her the "bad guy?!?!? Hateful awful people.
I feel the gifts were thoughtful and sweet ! Not at all inappropriate!! Sounds like Noah is the best of the bunch , they need to distance themselves from the rest !
None of these gifts were inappropriate or intimate. A picture frame, music box and make up is too much for these people? They sound like miserable a******s and hope they saw this story and the comments pointing out that they are the problem
This just broke my heart. What a bunch of jerks. They are soon to be your family. These sound like normal gifts that are thoughtful. I'm adopted and that comment about your family not wanting you around hit me in my soul. Idk if I would want to be a part of this family at all. Did your fiance ever tell you they were toxic? Because they sound like awful people
If I had a son and he came home with such a kind, thoughtful, amazing person like you, I would welcome you with open arms and congratulate my son on his good taste. You deserve to be praised for the loving, kind, thoughtful gifts that you gave them. I will pray that they will treat you better in the future. You did not deserve their mistreatment of you. Noah sounds nice. His family sounds rude. You are so sweet. You deserve the best.
This is all projection on the families behalf. Logic is absent and the response is an emotional lashing out from feeling inferior. For being shown up, being made to feel/look (real and imagined) as shallow as they are. Especially when it came to the children's gifts. Guilt/shame expressed as indignation, thoughtlessness as embarrassment. They are actually jealous that the gifts were sincere and thoughtfully personalized. Instead of being superficial, like they are. Reacted like children who didn't win first place who became sullen bullies. This is sad. Their shortcomings are not her responsibility. None of this can be put into her. These people are ridiculous and emotionally stunted.
This subreddit is known for having many fake stories, this is 100% one of them. To many inconsistencies. First, their relationship moved at a breakneck speed, she says Noah is right out of college and that they are already engaged AND she's already pregnant, not impossible but incredibly unlikely that the relationship would move that fast that smoothly. Second, This woman really had enough money to go out and get ALL these different things for the family that not only took a lot of time but we're also crazy expensive for some of them? If we are to assume that she's also around Noah's age and right out of college , there's no way she has the money for that, which leads into The third reason, she created so many update posts like she was trying to make the story make sense, specifically the one where she said that her own family was a mess growing up and all hated each other, so she definitely doesn't come from a rich background.
"You got us the perfect gifts? What a stalker AH! We're still keeping them though!" What f'd up logic.
When I read that the gifts were too personal I imagined other things I rather not mention.
LOL me too, or that she was snooping in drawers or closets to get sizes etc. His family is a bunch of weirdos.
Load More Replies... I have inlaws like this. You save a lot of time, money, and effort if you recognize that they just flat out don't want to like you.
She mentioned a niece on the spectrum. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest the spectrum may run through the family. As an autistic person I can say that my reactions to personal gifts have been somewhat irrational in the past. The first Christmas my ex and I were together, his mom knitted a sweater for me. I was upset, angry even, which sounds ridiculous, but there were a few issues I had with it. The color wasn't something I'd wear, the yarn was a texture that made my teeth hurt, and it didn't fit me very well. The fact that she'd put hours of work into something I was never going to wear made me feel horribly guilty. Plus, I don't read people well, so I couldn't even imagine giving a personal gift before knowing someone really well, which takes me a long time. I was really young then, and I've learned how to react in ways that don't offend people (yes, I know it's masking, but sometimes it's worth it not to hurt people's feelings). Maybe her fiance's family is so insulated from others that they react weirdly to things others find normal?
This is a good insight. I'm on the spectrum, too and gifts/personal boundaries can be hard. Just reading your comment, I can almost feel the texture of the knit sweater on my teeth and it is horrible. The OP might have inadvertently crossed their personal boundaries, but it sounds like the person known to be on the spectrum liked her gift. And being on the spectrum doesn't make you hurl terrible comments like one of his sisters ( 'I see why your family didn't want you!') Whenever I get overwhelmed I apologize, especially when I know they weren't trying to overstep. And, after I calm down, I try to think about what I could do to prevent it from happening again or if there's a reasonable request I can make of the person.
Load More Replies... This is insane. They act as though she was like "I smelled your hair one day and tracked down the shampoo you use and bought us each one so I can smell your hair any time." 🤣 No. She very thoughtfully made note of details that were shared with her! That's what makes a great gift. And even if they had a valid argument (because they don't unless she got these details by breaking into their homes or going through their garbage) , the way they acted in response to being given a gift speaks volumes. This is not the way you treat people who have obviously tried to do something nice for you. I'm not sure if it's that they feel self conscious about putting zero effort into their own gifts, or if they are so greedy that they expect gifts that are essentially cash - but it makes me sad that this sweet person who clearly wants to be part of this family was treated this way!
It sounds like they had their mind made up about her before all of this and we're just looking for something... Any vulnerability... To attack. And they did. "How dare you want to be one of us?" seems to be what they're saying. A family of meanies
OMG You went out of your way to get them kind gifts. HOW DARE YOU!!! /s
Sounds like hubs stuck up for his wife. This is good; the rest of the family as far as I am concerned, can take their presents and stick them up their collective rears. This poor woman pulled out all the stops to get gifts the family would enjoy. She listened to their wants and performed accordingly. I would love to have someone so thoughtful join my family (no gifts required!) Can I adopt these two? I'll be your mom 🙂
Noah's family may be insecure in their own feelings for each other. Gift giving is hard - you are trying to show your love via a tangible, materialistic item. Many people are lazy or choose to just "check out" and just give generic gift cards or money. It's them, not you. Keep reaching out and they will get used to how you "work" some will get it and appreciate you for who you are. Others will either remain oblivious to you and Noah and your (future) child, or will continue to resent you for being you - you can't change them, but work to build great relationships with those folks who are worth your time. Noah is supporting you, so he is a keeper. Focus on the positives and pity those folks who are afraid to put themselves out there for others.
Freakin in-laws ehh? NTA whatsoever. Isn't gift giving supposed to be thoughtful? It's not like anyone dislikes getting gift cards, but unless it's for your absolute favourite shop, they tend to feel impersonal. Not only are you NTA, you're so unbelievably thoughtful. Keep being you and don't let an entire household of AH change who you are
When i read the title, i thought it would be really personal gift, really really personal like underwear or similar. But it turns out to be normal gifts that these AH family have been mentioning and hoping to have one over the time. How is OP stalker then? AH family indeed.
Me too, because there is a difference between "I looked through your drawer and saw that there were holes in every piece of underwear, so I got you more." and "You mentioned you liked X brand makeup and I got you their new eyeshadow palette." The in-laws either forgot they told her these things or are guilty that they put zero thought into her gifts.
Load More Replies... NTA. It sounds more like they were embarrassed about buying gift cards when she put in the effort, so they tried to make her look like the bad guy to save their precious feelings. Noah is awesome for sticking up for her. Next year buy them all the cheapest gift cards you can find and say "After last year I realized my best efforts are not appreciated so this year I put in the least amount of effort possible"
If this young woman ever reads these comments, I'd love to let her know that she will be an amazing, loving and compassionate Mother. And I'm so proud of her Fiancé Noah for sticking up for her and standing up to his family for being pr!cks! I'd be delighted if my oldest Son brought such a young lady home and even moreso knowing she's blessing us with the 1st Grandchild of our family. She is NTA but Noah's family? They're all a bunch of cold, insensitive AH'S!!!
So were these all gifts the family were going to eventually give to each other, or had given to each other already? That's the only explanation I can think of to get that angry about her gifts. I do get how personal gifts can be uncomfortable to receive from someone who's not been in the family for long, but she is about to get married into the family and carrying a new member of the family. She definitely found herself a great guy. It's unfortunate that can't be said about his family. Something has to have happened, though. He would know his family well enough to know what would not be acceptable. That aspect is baffling.
Also I want to add, this poor woman has gone through a lot of psychological fuckery in her life, and it's very obvious with her apologizing for other people's bad attitude and terrible behaviour.
Load More Replies... If it was me, then I’d consider this a huge red flag as to your future dealings with them. I’d get married and then move somewhere far away - you don’t need such f**ked up people in your life.
She made them look bad by being too thoughtful and considerate. Something they wouldn't care less to do themselves. Also the feeling of "Oh no I have to reciprocate and think of something which they never would have made the effort to do. They may also not like her for whatever reason. Then they will be thinking dayum, she's overdoing this to make them look like AHs for doing nothing .
I feel like a lot of ppl who suffer from rejection and trauma are like this- super empathetic. I know I am- and this sounds a lot like something I would do. It comes from a place of wanting closeness with ppl, wanting a family. You can't help it if those ppl are AH, which they certainly were. I ended up with a similar situation when my husband and I first moved in together. We stayed with his sister for a week before our place was ready and they all had to work and I had nothing to do, so I washed a few dishes and hung out. I was severely judged because apparently, helping with the chores as a "thanks for letting us stay" gesture actually meant "you slob, how dare you not clean your dishes". She had a full time job, worthless husband, and a small child. I was just trying to help a tiny bit. Sorry! Geez! I truly hope OP realizes that her new in-laws are the ones with the attitude and that she didn't really do anything wrong other than try to love them. NTA in my opinion!
They probably felt guilty about not treating you with the same kindness and thought you showed them.
I'm shocked at the ungratefulness. Those gifts sound appropriate and personal but not too personal. It isn't something they have to wear. I think you have inadvertently shamed them for not putting in as much effort. Also getting them things they couldn't afford also might be shaming them for being 'poor'. All said, NTA, you are a thoughtful person and if you can, better not to have your fiance demand an apology. That's not sincere and will make things more awkward. But at the same time you should never take insults from them. That disrespect is uncalled for and unccceptable if you guys are going to be family.
They were upset... they got thoughtful, personalised gifts? This is either BS or the family are idiots NTA
Dearest GoldRule5895... Your future in-laws et al are obviously not used to people caring enough to put time and effort into them, and their reactions just a reflection of discomfort... but the way they handled it? Well, they're dooses (consider looking up doos in Afrikaans) for not seeing the care and love in your gesture. I'm sorry you've had to go through this, and seriously... you have zero to apologise for. As someone who is always the gifter and not the gift-ee, I would love for someone to bother to look me up online and fine-tune a gift, instead of the usual "you're impossible to gift for" (ie. Not even any gift) or mostly generic gifts. You're abiut to be part of this family, and personalised gifting is so special... a rule I have is that if I don't know you well enough (from conversations alone), then you'll just get nothing. Though I'm sure they would've found fault with that too. Wishing you all the best, and please... keep being true to yourself, what you did was beautiful
I confess I had a difficult time getting through this, as the effort OP went to with the gifts is completely normal to me and -- in our family at least -- exactly how you show people you care about them, pay attention to them, and want to see them happy. Not every gift is always a bullseye, but OP's description is the ideal you are supposed to shoot for, and it's the effort that counts. . . The family's response, however... I thought I must have misread or misunderstood at first, but after rereading it, I am just aghast. If this were my family I would take my husband outside, reassure him that his gifting was absolutely without equal, then take him home and inform my family the following day they were disowned and never to contact me again. The poor man must have been MORTIFIED. This is quite literally the worst christmas debacle I have ever read, and by a VERY wide margin. My heart goes out to OP and her partner.
I believe you are a saint to their sinner. They got shown up by you. You're new to the family and do not yet have all the short hand and history and inside jokes developed yet. However, your AMAZING ability to pay attention shows them to be self-serving and less thoughtfuleven for each other. Each of those children should have already found that frame for the dad, clothes for the kid to play with, and all the gifts could have been given by the folks who know them best. They're embarrassed they didn't give those gifts to their loved ones. They clearly were simple to figure out (even if not easy to execute), but NONE of them took the time. I feel that may be part of the issue. Noah clearly never foresaw this, but he has clearly been raised by good people because he is doing the right thing and backing you. I truly hope this becomes your first of many family anecdotes and stories shared and teased by all of you. Next year is a new opportunity to show them up, yet again. May I suggest fitting yet sillier gifts. Like an anchor for the sister who sunk your spirts and the party... Just know people do not like having their faults spotlighted, especially in front of loved ones. ...oh, holloween clown makeup for the one family member struggling financially and not able to buy they high end stuff... You can't control other people actions only your own actions and reactions. Keepon the side of love and service and they will eventually understand thT is why Noah loves you! Best wishes!!!!
I believe that You did the best thing in the World for looking up for individual items for each Family Member, outstanding for Your Efforts. And for Them to be snotty towards You, not worth the time, some People demeanor never changes. You give Them a Million dollars and They look at it, like it's not enough. If it was Me, I wouldn't go there for a while and just send Christmas 🎄 cards. That's being really rude on Their parts, You're just trying to fit in. Take a step back and have fun with You and your Husband & Little One. Family can cause pain, even when it's not normal. You tried your best at being part of the Family, but They pushed You away. Again, take time away from Them, Outstanding effort on your part.
Sounds like they were all jealous and then went into like mob mentality to protect themselves. She outdone them all and nothing makes unhappy people mad than when children of the family are super gushy about presents they got from a new member of the family. I've experienced this first hand as well. I give gifts the same as you do. I have ADHD so I make notes in my phone throughout the year on little comments people make that I am thinking of buying gifts for (be out Christmas or bday or whatever). That way I'm not panic buying last minute and stressed out bc I don't know what to get them. Most people even if they were weirded out a little would just think it was nice and move on. This was like Cinderella and the stepmother and step children level of ganging up on her. I was very glad to read the bf 100% stood by her and backed her up!
If true: That fam's a whole a*s herd of AHs. I love well-thought-out gifts! She took time and energy to get everyone the perfect gift. They are weird and ungrateful. Who flips a wig over this?! Not stalker vibes at all.
I think they planned on hating whatever she got them (because they're against her being brought into the family), and that is likely why it took a day for them to say why they were upset. They had a family meeting beforehand and agreed they would all hate this "unwanted newcomer's" gifts. And when they all saw that what they got was things they couldn't complain about, they had another family pow-wow and agreed to call her a stalker and overly involved. I mean, if they felt that way from the beginning (so much so that they would say it to her face while she's APOLOGIZING later) then they would have said so the day of. I think they all liked the gifts but had to get their stories straight to ensure they were all on the same hateful page.
Diet books and fertility treatments are "too personal". Not gifts they literally said out loud they wanted. But rejoice OP! You are off the hook for gift giving! Next year, make a joint donation to Save The Children in the family's name.
Wow... Noah's family are a bunch of ungrateful jackholes. When I saw the title of this entry, I thought by "personal" it meant REALLY personal... like stuff you would ONLY tell your spouse - ie: she got them sex toys or... addiction therapy sessions. She actually got them **exactly what they wanted and had told others they wanted** - and they lashed out at her? The next time ANY of them dare to complain "I never get anything I want" - they should be HARSHLY reminded of their a$$hole behaviour in this incident.
This is so weird, yes they had "just" met her but she is joining the family. My SIL mentioned once she liked Kate Spade (She saw mine the first time we met and made a throwaway comment that she loved the brand), I got her a KS bag for her first Christmas. Id maybe met her once before but she was marrying my younger brother. It sounds like this woman did much of the same, she listened, and got gifts accordingly. These people are freaking nuts
I personally think the family just felt embarrassed because she had taken more time in their gifts and are acting defensive instead. Also, many families can take offense when people are pregnant before marriage. My in-laws never accepted me for that reason and I gave them the only grandchildren they had. His mom hated me from the day she met me until the day she died. Crazy people are like that.
It should be a very rare thing where a Christmas gift recipient complains or gripes about a true and heartfelt personal gift. I'm glad that Noah stuck up for OP but she's still feeling bad about the situation. I hope that gets sorted out.
As a gift recipient I would be embarrassed at how thoughtful OP's gift was compared to my gift card.
Hon, you need to first hug Noah for standing up for you,and being there for you. I know that some people think that this story isn't true, but I had in laws like that,and I would tell my ex not to involve me with anything after they insulted my parents after they invited his parents to Christmas dinner, and my Momma was seeing red, and my Daddy was ready to act like Muhammad Ali. The only person that I liked, who stood up for me was my ex's cousin, because he knew how my ex's family was. You just need to distance yourself from them, and try not to be tempted to sign " The Stalker " on any cards like I would actually do. LOL Your in-laws have no class whatsoever, because they insult you, were cruel to you,but yet they kept your gifts. They should've just said " Thank you ", and enjoy that you considered them important enough to get personalized gifts for everyone, but they crossed a boundary, and I salute Noah for what he did.
[a] Thank that partner, for standing by her, and [b] give each family member a piece of coal next year EVEN IF they've made up. It's still very-personally-appropriate (so they can be annoyed), but low-effort.
There is a wide body of research pointing to the significant psychological benefits of helping others and being thoughtful in our words and deeds. These actions stimulate the reward center of the brain and result in feelings of happiness, pleasure, contentment. It's possible, if not probable, that OP's tragic upbringing caused her to develop these traits as a coping mechanism that have become part of her psychopathology. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, so long as she knows how to set/reinforce boundaries so she isn't taken advantage of due to her lovely, albeit hard won, personality. That being said, I think this reaction from the family is horrendous and probably comes from the shame of not putting any thought into their own gifts, which is likely what they usually do because they're not thoughtful people. It seems like a knee jerk response to feeling called out, except that's not her intention.
(Ran out of room) That they would feel called out by her thoughtfulness and immediately assign malicious intent to her gift giving says a great deal about these people. They view others, and basic human empathy and kindness, as having an ulterior motive and have no understanding that these traits can exist on their own with no expectation of reciprocity. To them, gifts are transactional obligations and she WAY outdid them. Of course, this isn't the case at all but to them it looked like she had something to prove. I'm not justifying their behavior at all, just seeking to peel away some of the layers here. The sister who called OP a stalker and taunted her about her abusive upbringing should be smacked right in her nasty mouth with one of those books she loves so much. That was just abuse, it's not even a question. SHE specifically owes OP a very sincere apology. And until/unless that happens, I wouldn't allow her anywhere near the baby.
Load More Replies... The family sound like jerks especially the sister should be ashamed of herself for speaking to her or anyone else in such a harsh manner! Personally I would have slapped her is she was my sister or daughter for being such a rude/mean person to anyone. This poor girl was not in the wrong at all! She was excited about the holiday with her new undeserving family and wanted to show it by doing something sweet and wholesome for them. The fact that they took it to that level is sickening and shows just how nasty people are in the world these days!! SMH
How bizarre. I feel like there is something missing from the story.
Oh man! What a bunch of ungrateful, nasty people. Firstly, you've gone to do much effort and they treat you like cr*p. I understand you were trying to keep the peace, but but IMHO you shouldn't have apologised at all. You should've taken the gifts back and told them where to go. Secondly, with gifts like that, you can come to ours for next Christmas. I also like books and make up (I have a jewellery box). Seriously though, don't beat yourself up about this. You did a wonderful, thoughtful thing. It's their problem if they can't see that. Your baby is lucky to have a mum like you. And God on Noah for having your back! Take comfort in knowing that, while extended family is awful, you've got the chance to create your own happy family now. I wish you all the best
You are a beautiful soul. I would absolutely LOVE something like this. My family would have thought you were so amazing for doing something so personal. His family does not appreciate you. I'm so happy Noah understood and told them to apologize. He helped you with gifts. You didn't stalk. Again, you're an amazing person. For that
I’m suspecting some nuances that OP didn’t pick up on with this family. Are these people from a small tight knit community? They may view her as an outsider. I experienced a some of that with a few members of my husband’s family very early in our marriage. That one sister though, she’s an outright B****. I wouldn’t be surprised if she isn’t at the root of some of the issues. Going forward gift cards for the adults from now until the end of time. The kids should still get personal gifts, even as they mature. They will always cherish the thoughtfulness.
It didn't occur to anyone that Noah had helped?! You may both have to find your own family. I'm available for the crazy auntie...
They sound like a bunch of ungrateful a******s. Glad OP’s fiancé has her side.
As a fellow gifter, I can say that reactions to personal gifts can really vary. I've had some people be uncomfortable who I actually knew well, but found out later it was because they had just gone the gift card level route for me and felt bad about it, like they were under pressure to do better, which had never occured to me. I effing love receiving gift cards, it's by far my favorite kind of gift. I've also gotten gifts for people who responded with genuine appreciation, and others who just didn't care about the effort. It can also depend on the gift. My mom got her parents a $500 robo vac, because they're elderly walking/cleaning hurts them. She's not on great terms with them. She also can't sit still too long so visiting over the holidays she cleaned their house. They took offense, feeling like she was judging their (quite excellent) house keeping skills. If it had been from me, because our relationship is different/closer, they'd have reacted totally differently. That said, none of OPs gifts were judgemental or could have been interpreted as anything other than really thoughtful. If the family felt bad for not putting in similar effort, that's on them. OP didn't seem the least bit offended by gift cards. I have a very thoughtful gifter/acts of service oriented friend but she lives in S Korea while I live in the USA, so she mostly sends money, to me, but mostly for my son, who she is close with. To show appreciation I send her a picture of what we buy with it, and try to find something that also reflects our relationship. Example, she's professional artist, and my son has a growing interest in graphic art and animation, so I used the birthday money she sent to buy him a drawing tablet, hoping it would give them more to talk about/bond over.
Sounds like they want Noah to themselves. If you've been in this situation, you realize how petty family members act when they feel like they're losing them.
She did nothing wrong! She didn't buy gifts that were too expensive;she bought thoughtful gifts and she even made some of the gifts! The family is horrible! I would NEVER buy them another gift, but I am petty like that. We could be married 30 years and no one in that family that behaved rudely would EVER get another gift from me. NEVER!
With no other information I have to take this story at face value, but I just can't imagine an entire family acting like this. One black sheep, maybe, but an entire family? And the fiancé, from the same family, didn't see this coming? Something just seems off... If the whole situation is exactly as described, this poor, poor woman is in for a rough time. Anyone who has married into a close family (me, for example) knows that the family is going to be a constant, important part of your life going forward. It absolutely sucks that this family sounds like trash!
Wow. If this true, my heart goes out to her. They treated her terribly after she put so much effort into their gifts. Her first Christmas too. I wish my step dad had cared that much and put that much effort into it. I wish I could give her a big hug.
Mentalists are able to seem psychic by paying attention and playing on the fact that people are forgetful. This family's response is weird to me, but I have to assume they said those things in passing and quickly forgot they mentioned it. When OP's gifts were so personal, they may have wondered how OP could have known in much the same way people wonder how a mentalist could have known something, which made them uncomfortable and they didn't bother thinking it through. That's not to excuse their reprehensible behavior, but it's the only way I can fathom anybody would respond in such a way.
I totally understand how the OP feels. I do the same thing that she does. When I am in the company of someone I'm going to be gift shopping later, I pay attention to what they say all year long, as I guess I am preparing my list subconsciously all the time. I'm kind of of like the Google assistant, who is constantly perched on the edge of her seat waiting for those Holden words to be said, " Hey Google!" So she can jump right in and focus her laser be attention on whomever has called for her aid.As soon as I hear someone say something like ' I wish I had one of those" or I want that" or something along those lines, I leave whatever inner world I was currently inhabiting and leap right back to the external world and make a note of what it is they were referring to. I might ask follow up questions if it is necessary, such as which color they prefer, or what size they think they might wear, etc. Then on Christmas, I am so pleased with myself for getting them something I am confident
they want and am so excited to see their reaction when the open it and see what it is. And like the OP, this has backfired on me. My gift recipients have never been as rude or cruel as this family was to her, but I have gotten backlash more than once. This is the incident that first came to mind so I'll quickly share it. Sometime during the previous eleven months, I had been with my mom, when a commercial for a salad shooter came on. This was in the 80's, so doubtless, a lot of people don't know what that is. It was a little food chopper that you would feed vegetables or chunk cheese onto the top and it would shoot it out the side, all grated. It worked especially well on cheese, and was so much easier than grating by hand. Anyway, I made my mental note, and on Christmas, there I was standing in front of my mother, eagerly waiting for her to open her gift. She looked at it,
Load More Replies... If my family ever did that to my girl they would never hear from me again.. Such pompous ASh's..
Nta. I am really surprised that the whole family, other than Noah, is so f****d up. Truly hard to understand. I can see them being weirded out by the presents but the response is way out of line. How is it too personal for a new family member? They're treating her like a stranger. I can only say this is a good thing that happened so early on. From now on, give them nothing or a useless gift card. They will know why
It seems to me what's happening from a psychological perspective is that they are embarrassed that they spent almost no time getting to know who you really are so that they could give you a personalized gift and welcome you to the family. It's a fairly human reaction to feel angry in order to block the underlying feeling, which is shame brought on by embarrassment. When you realize how much better person someone else that you're dealing with is then you are and when you're worried that you can't live up to them. A natural reaction for some small petty shriveled up inside, angry, selfish narcissistic people is to focus on that feeling of inadequacy that they have inside and block any kind of feelings of shame or disappointment in themselves by using anger, which is typically a blocking emotion that keeps you from having to feel small and humble and inadequate next to your kindness, thoughtfulness, and generosity.
It seems you've been introduced to some narcissistic people! I don't know really. But would love to hear their side of why they thought you were creepy. Keep us posted
I’m pretty sure they just genuinely dislike her and don’t want her to be part of the family. The gifts were just something to bully her for. His family is a little nutty. I wouldn’t want to be a part of that, but it is what it is. And the reason why they hate her she is probably socially awkward-have social phobia because of her childhood. Definitely not somebody who is very adjusted and at ease at every social setting. Usually families are very cruel to future in laws like that. Because in their imagination they are better then this and their offsprings need to bring home bubbly extraverts who will fit right in and be their best friends.
Sounds like they're angry they got thoughtful gifts. Please be fake story.
You're apologizing to the internet for something you never did wrong. I hope OP and fiance can distance yourselves from the weirdos.
This family needs therapy. What the c**p would.ANYONE think this when all she did was personalize their gifts which shows she went out of her way to make sure they got something they would like. What a bunch of mental BS. Next year ( if their is another year with these weirdos) get them a gas card, lol O'Neal
Definitely not the AH. She put a lot of thought into the gifts; more than I would have. After their reactions, I wouldn't buy any of them another gift. Have Noah buy them in the future. Believe me, after a few years, it'll be on you to do the shopping. Get Noah involved now so that he can get in the habit of his having the responsibility for his own family. Rude people like these don't deserve your thoughtfulness.
Once you said that your fiance's family gave you gift cards, I felt like the primary issue here is that they were embarrassed by their lack of thought given to your gift in comparison to what you did. Your gift giving skills are clearly exceptional and not stalker-ish in the least. Likely, it would have helped the situation if you and Noah had put both of your names on the gifts. That way the family may have been less "stunned" by the level of thougthfulness. They could have chocked it up to a wonderful son and his sweet soon-to-be bride. You have plenty of time to demonstrate your finesse of gift giving. Don't let their inability to extend a gracious thank-you keep you from a skill you have mastered. My own husband's grandmother gave me a lovely bracelet for Christmas the first time he took me to meet them. She knew nothing about me, but wanted me to be included in their celebration. I still think of that selfless act with warm feelings.
Let's think here a minute about what a "gift" really is. A gift is something that you give to someone that you believe they are going to enjoy and that you are going to enjoy giving. I always keep my ears open when around loved ones to see what they might want or need. I cannot stand it when people ask people what they want, then buy it. That is not a gift. That's more like Amazon delivery. There is no thought or heart put into the gift. I would have been touched that this young woman put so much into her gifts for the family.
It's the thought that counts,I think you should be commended for putting such time and effort into the gifts,NTA
This fiance in no way overstepped. These gifts were very thoughtfully picked out for each person.. In fact, when my fiance spent his first married Christmas with my family, he asked for some photos of my Dad's first service station business from years before. He restored and framed them, and they were the hit of the day! It was my Dad's favorite gift. That other family should be ashamed of themselves for acting that way. They should be welcoming that young woman who cared so much to try to personalize their gifts.What did they want? Money? I wish she was on my gift list instead of some other people I know who make me dread gift giving. Gift giving should be exactly like what she did- from the heart, and geared to something that the gift giver will love. I hope that family realizes the errors of their ways. If not, she and her fiance should spend their Christmases volunteering to help those less fortunate, or with their friends- who will appreciate it!
I find this story to be bull. From the moment I started to read to all the edits... I doubt this happen.
The family is the AH. I'm glad your fiance stood up for you. I love thoughtful, caring gifts and I love giving gifts like that too. It shows love and care. They sound like a bunch of miserable, disgusting people. Probably disappointed in themselves that they can't be that nice and loving. Keep your distance.
Why is she giving separate gifts from her fiance? By that point wouldn't they be gift giving as a couple? Ignoring that oddity, I'm very much like this woman. I pick up little details and squirrel them away for a good gift. Never had this reaction but as someone who also has a bad family past I'd feel terrible if that was thrown in my face. The sister should be ashamed of herself.
Sounds like a horrible family outside Noah, her husband. The biggest A-hole is the sister that said such awful things, using OP's tragic past where she was the victim, against her. Can we day GASLIGHTING? Of Noah never forgave his family, I would not be surprised. Hopefully his family grows the f-up!
Unfortunately, both of my brothers are married. Don't get me wrong my sisters in law are great women. I love them and they are part of the family, but I mean if something happened to one of them could I set you up? Or can we just adopt you? Your gifts and gestures sound wonderful and we would happily welcome you! Also kuddos to Noah for sticking up for you!
The adults are the A**Holes. When my neice was a teen she asked why I always got her cool gifts but her other aunts just gave her gift cards. I explained I pay attention & get something that will be liked, useful or unique, often less expensive than the cards! She learned to do the same with gifts her family actually uses! You are a brilliant & generous person & a treasure to those screwed up adults. I hope you can teach them how to be thoughtful & generous like you are! I disagree with the psychologists who commented in this article about not giving thoughtful gifts. Ask me who gave me specific gifts & I can tell you from items 30 years old! Ask me where I got a gift card recently... no clue!! Give those ungrateful future relatives gift cards and give your true friends thoughtful gifts! I challenged my sibling to not spend over $5, once. The most liked gift...a $3 wrench for the guy who tinkered on his car, even years later!
The family is clearly jealous of her efforts and consideration. To them, she makes their gifts they gave seem cheap and impersonal because they are insecure, which is a them problem that they shouldn't take out on her! NTA
My guess is that they weren't angry about the gifts as much as they were embarrassed that they didn't spend near as much time or thought on her gifts as she did on theirs. I've seen that before where someone will lash out ("you're a stalker!") because of an insecurity (disproportionate gift giving). That's a very real thing in my circles at least!
Weird family. I would've been happy my gift was something I liked or wanted.
It would be an honor to have the OP in my family. The time, attention and heartfelt gifts in this story warmed my heart. What family would treat someone like that?? Terrible human beings. And kudos to the fiance for sticking up for her. Family owes her a huge apology, and needs to check themselves. Her gifts show she listens and takes to heart what she hears. People like that are worth more than anything.
I can't even imagine! She went above and beyond to not only make things personally but pick things that actually meant something. Not just stupid gift cards or things people dont want or need and then gives or throw away!! Im so glad to here at least her fiance was on her side. That family is totally messed up for thinking this way.
You might want to not see these cruel people again. Doubt very much that they will change anytime soon. Maybe you shouldn't marry BF. Maybe this is a red flag about just how nasty they are. Maybe down the road your BF maybe just as bad.
this is very sad. for the first christmas i spent with my in laws (now outlaws due to divorce but we still love each other after being married to their son for 32 yrs) i made each of them robes. they lived in a really cold area and i had asked my then hubby about their sizes. should have realized that men don't measure things like we do. when they opened them up and put them on they got swallowed by them! my mil was a tiny lady but i had been told she was about a size 16. i had used the most soft and warm material i could find so they looked like grizzly bears before hibernating. we all laughed but i was so embarrassed.
It's two things. You gave them thoughtful gifts, they gave you gift cards. You paid attention to what they said, obviously they didn't do the same to you. It made them look bad, at least to them. Number two, you are very important to Noah and he is equally important to you. They are afraid they'll lose him. He won't be as accessible to them now, that he has his own family. It's their problems not yours. Love Noah and your first child and let them deal with their own issues.
I think the only thing she did wrong was apologize to those ungrateful monsters. Next year I would get all the adults the same generic hot chocolate mug set for $10. Maybe that would suit them better.
When you chose presents, you first took the trouble to know about the family. After you gave them, you really knew about this family. In the future, any presents you give them should be gift cards to stores they would never shop in. (You don't want to be too up close and intrusive.)
Don't they also have a baby on the way; due in May? Do they honestly think the son they are so close to wouldn't tell his fiancé all about them? My gifts to my in laws were thoughtful when we first got married because my husband hated gift shopping and helped me with ideas that were thoughtful. These people sound like they were pressed out of a mold labeled Suburban Family Type II.
jealous is the problem with this whole family, the op did something for everyone of them that they were in si clueless how to do and treat family, this is how people used to shop for Christmas and no longer do because of lazyness an lack of caring and the lack of listening to what others say. op did nothing wrong and ANY family worth a salt would love to have her joining their family. I have gift cards from xmas and birthdays from a couple years running that have gone unused because I had no desire to use. op sounds perfect to me because she shows caring and knows how to be that type of person --perfect--in my eyes... her and fiance need to take the baby when it comes and get far away from this bunch.
I kinda get it and also really don't. I had a friend who would do overly personal gifts and it really was too much. It did feel stalkery and weird because we weren't that close. I had to cut ties eventually because she went too far and was making people uncomfortable. But that was many instances over a year not like this situation! What happened to being polite and welcoming and valuing effort for a new member of the family. Da fuq people. It's a one off impression and she would have adjusted once she experienced her first Christmas when she saw others' efforts.
Honestly it sounds like she was an actual friend to you but you weren't one to her and wasn't honest about it. You Honestly sound insufferable not to mention utterly hateful.
Load More Replies... Folks, there is something between "Amazon gift card" and "tracking down your social media to find out your favourite books despite not really knowing you"
It takes 30 seconds and at least you were thoughtful. If something was that private you wouldn't post it publicly
Load More Replies... Sounds like there's a lot more to this then meets the eye. One-sided story that had the outcome op wanted. Drove a wedge between Noah and his family while playing the victim. Everyone thinks poor op but I have seen this before. I don't buy this for a second and neither should anyone else.
So what do you think REALLY happened since you've seen this before? How is op the bad guy?
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