Hey Pandas, AITA For Feeling Upset Over Discovering Disturbing Online Activity In My Partner’s Past?
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Recently, I found a folder with 291 pictures of sexy poses and hardly dressed (some nude) women on my longtime partner’s phone. We’ve been together for 11 years.
I also found dating apps like OkCupid and MeetMe on his phone. I know he has been talking to people on them, even though he deleted all the messages (I found screenshots of some messages).
I never checked his phone before; I always trusted him and gave him space, respecting his privacy.
Now, he recently passed away from colon cancer
Image credits: Kelly Sikkema (not the actual photo)
I was hoping to find some pictures and videos for our 20-month-old son and maybe a voice message he might have left for him.
But he didn’t leave any messages, notes, or anything for our son
Image credits: Rahul Chakraborty (not the actual photo)
Instead, I found out he was chatting with and had screenshots of naked girls over the whole 11 years we were together.
I feel very betrayed and disgusted for spending so much time, attention, and money (since he couldn’t keep a job) on someone who did this
Image credits: Daniele La Rosa Messina (not the actual photo)
Even on days when I was laying in the hospital with pre-eclampsia, he was talking with other girls!
Am I just overreacting, or is this a guy thing?
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Feel your feels, friend. The only way to get past how you're feeling is to go through it. Allow yourself to have every emotion that comes up - anger, disgust, sadness, whatever it may be. And then be ready to grieve, not just for the loss of your husband but for the man you thought he was. Having been through something similar I strongly recommend therapy - it gave me back to myself. Be well.
Thank you all for your comments and support. I have an appointment next week with a psychologist to deal with this all. Every comment helped me as well and I'm glad I was able to share what happened with you guys. Thank you very much once again
That is not a guy thing. That is AH behavior, and it's not restricted to any one gender. There are plenty of good men out there, and I'm sure you'll find one (when you're ready, of course).
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No, you are not overreacting, it's not a guy thing it's a callous cheater thing you supported him through illness and this was how he repaid you? I'm sorry for your loss. I will say, sometimes being seriously ill can make people a little crazy maybe to the point of grabbing at anything and everything to experience regardless of morals or ethics. If you can forgive him, great but you are definitely entitled to your feelings of anger and betrayal too.
My poor, sweet, lady. No, you are not overreacting, you have every single right to feel betrayed, angry, upset, and every little emotion inbetween. Finding out about a partner's infidelity is already difficult enough, but processing that whilst also grieving - that's a completely different level. Please know that you have done nothing wrong, you have done nothing that caused his infidelity. There is *never* an excuse to cheat, if you're tempted enough to act, then the relationship is over and you give the other person the respectful right to know. I am so sorry for you, and if i could reach through and give you a hug, I would. If you're struggling to process everything you're feeling/dealing with, then find yourself a therapist. But you are in no way wrong for how yoy feel. I am so sorry you are going through this. You did *not* deserve any of this. Sending so many positive vibes and I hope you have nothing but beautiful things going forward 💜
He's dead. Start over. You deserve someone who won't do this sort of bizarre c**p to you. You spent 11 years with this loser. Go spend the rest of your life with an amazing man because there are PLENTY of them out there who wouldn't dare do this, the random thought would never enter into their mind. Your, thankfully, dead husband was not normal; this was not regular guy behavior. Whenever in doubt, reverse the roles in your mind of a woman doing this to a man and you'll have your answer on whether this is normal, human behavior.
You dont owe the dead anything, sorry but its the truth. Just because he died doesn't invalidate the betrayal and hurt. Or the fact he was unfaithful.
This is really not ok, you should be able to trust your partner. I normally hate it when people jump right to “divorce them!” but if he’s been doing this your whole marriage he’s not going to change. Dump him and move on with your life. If you want to confront him, get closure, whatever, that’s fine, but make sure you’re in a position where you’re safe and can get out if you need to.
OP says he has already died of colon cancer. She discovered the photos afterwards.
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When in a relationship, some guys will never even notice other women, some like to look, some like porn, some like flirting, some like finding out if they've "still got it" by seeing if they can get a number, some cheat. I'm sorry to say, he crossed the line. I'm not saying it's an excuse (because there is not excuse), but if your sex life was not as active as his drive, it is possible that he never actually "did" anything with these women, and he was just using it for masturbation material. Was there any evidence in the messages that he actually met these women? Either way, you have a right to feel betrayed, because you were! He hid things from you, he lied. But if the level of betrayal is important to you and it turns out he was just having a wank... well, I guess it depends on how you want to remember him.
Similar thing, but husband is still alive... luckily for him... its a sex addict thing. Joining a SANON group and counselling helped me through it. I stayed with husband on the condition he works on his addiction.
You are not over reacting and such a disappointment he had the nerve to delete his flirting messages, but didn't take the time to leave any message behind for your child. At first i thought he just had pictures of random naked women, which would have been ok imo. However he actually betrayed you by chatting and flirting with other woman via dating apps. Who knows if he actually met some of them physically as he deleted the messages. Not that it matters. To the people mentioning he was sick and looking for distraction. I'm pretty sure he started doing this when he was still healthy, also that's no excuse. I'm sorry you had to find out about this and i hope you find the strength to get over this. You will find happiness in the future, i'm sure.
Yes! she states she thinks he was doing it for the whole time they were together! 11 years
Load More Replies... The pictures, absolutely normal, nothing to be upset about, probably >90% of guys have porn on their phones or computers. The dating site messages are another matter though, but there's a possibility that it was never anything more than a fantasy; only you can judge that from what you've seen.
I could have read it wrong but I took it as the pics were from women he had been in contact with, not just from websites. Either way he could have treated her better. Chatting with other girls while she was in hospital is pretty low.
Load More Replies...
If I were in your shoes, I'd feel utterly betrayed and find that the eleven years you guys have been together mean less. Even though I am no expert on men, I know for a fact it is not okay to have screenshots of naked woman while married with a child. And why does he have dating apps when he's happily married? You should let all your feelings out and try to get over it. I hope that you feel better about this incident soon.
Feel your feels, friend. The only way to get past how you're feeling is to go through it. Allow yourself to have every emotion that comes up - anger, disgust, sadness, whatever it may be. And then be ready to grieve, not just for the loss of your husband but for the man you thought he was. Having been through something similar I strongly recommend therapy - it gave me back to myself. Be well.
Thank you all for your comments and support. I have an appointment next week with a psychologist to deal with this all. Every comment helped me as well and I'm glad I was able to share what happened with you guys. Thank you very much once again
That is not a guy thing. That is AH behavior, and it's not restricted to any one gender. There are plenty of good men out there, and I'm sure you'll find one (when you're ready, of course).
Load More Replies... No, you are not overreacting, it's not a guy thing it's a callous cheater thing you supported him through illness and this was how he repaid you? I'm sorry for your loss. I will say, sometimes being seriously ill can make people a little crazy maybe to the point of grabbing at anything and everything to experience regardless of morals or ethics. If you can forgive him, great but you are definitely entitled to your feelings of anger and betrayal too.
My poor, sweet, lady. No, you are not overreacting, you have every single right to feel betrayed, angry, upset, and every little emotion inbetween. Finding out about a partner's infidelity is already difficult enough, but processing that whilst also grieving - that's a completely different level. Please know that you have done nothing wrong, you have done nothing that caused his infidelity. There is *never* an excuse to cheat, if you're tempted enough to act, then the relationship is over and you give the other person the respectful right to know. I am so sorry for you, and if i could reach through and give you a hug, I would. If you're struggling to process everything you're feeling/dealing with, then find yourself a therapist. But you are in no way wrong for how yoy feel. I am so sorry you are going through this. You did *not* deserve any of this. Sending so many positive vibes and I hope you have nothing but beautiful things going forward 💜
He's dead. Start over. You deserve someone who won't do this sort of bizarre c**p to you. You spent 11 years with this loser. Go spend the rest of your life with an amazing man because there are PLENTY of them out there who wouldn't dare do this, the random thought would never enter into their mind. Your, thankfully, dead husband was not normal; this was not regular guy behavior. Whenever in doubt, reverse the roles in your mind of a woman doing this to a man and you'll have your answer on whether this is normal, human behavior.
You dont owe the dead anything, sorry but its the truth. Just because he died doesn't invalidate the betrayal and hurt. Or the fact he was unfaithful.
This is really not ok, you should be able to trust your partner. I normally hate it when people jump right to “divorce them!” but if he’s been doing this your whole marriage he’s not going to change. Dump him and move on with your life. If you want to confront him, get closure, whatever, that’s fine, but make sure you’re in a position where you’re safe and can get out if you need to.
OP says he has already died of colon cancer. She discovered the photos afterwards.
Load More Replies... When in a relationship, some guys will never even notice other women, some like to look, some like porn, some like flirting, some like finding out if they've "still got it" by seeing if they can get a number, some cheat. I'm sorry to say, he crossed the line. I'm not saying it's an excuse (because there is not excuse), but if your sex life was not as active as his drive, it is possible that he never actually "did" anything with these women, and he was just using it for masturbation material. Was there any evidence in the messages that he actually met these women? Either way, you have a right to feel betrayed, because you were! He hid things from you, he lied. But if the level of betrayal is important to you and it turns out he was just having a wank... well, I guess it depends on how you want to remember him.
Similar thing, but husband is still alive... luckily for him... its a sex addict thing. Joining a SANON group and counselling helped me through it. I stayed with husband on the condition he works on his addiction.
You are not over reacting and such a disappointment he had the nerve to delete his flirting messages, but didn't take the time to leave any message behind for your child. At first i thought he just had pictures of random naked women, which would have been ok imo. However he actually betrayed you by chatting and flirting with other woman via dating apps. Who knows if he actually met some of them physically as he deleted the messages. Not that it matters. To the people mentioning he was sick and looking for distraction. I'm pretty sure he started doing this when he was still healthy, also that's no excuse. I'm sorry you had to find out about this and i hope you find the strength to get over this. You will find happiness in the future, i'm sure.
Yes! she states she thinks he was doing it for the whole time they were together! 11 years
Load More Replies... The pictures, absolutely normal, nothing to be upset about, probably >90% of guys have porn on their phones or computers. The dating site messages are another matter though, but there's a possibility that it was never anything more than a fantasy; only you can judge that from what you've seen.
I could have read it wrong but I took it as the pics were from women he had been in contact with, not just from websites. Either way he could have treated her better. Chatting with other girls while she was in hospital is pretty low.
Load More Replies... If I were in your shoes, I'd feel utterly betrayed and find that the eleven years you guys have been together mean less. Even though I am no expert on men, I know for a fact it is not okay to have screenshots of naked woman while married with a child. And why does he have dating apps when he's happily married? You should let all your feelings out and try to get over it. I hope that you feel better about this incident soon.
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