In-Laws Betray Woman’s Trust By Sharing Her Secret, She Refuses To Bake A Cake For Niece In Return
Interview With Expert
Personal secrets come with a given understanding that this confidential information shared with you is something you shouldn’t share with others unless you’re undoubtedly sure it’s okay to do so. Or so a lot of people think.
As it turns out, some have a totally different view of how these things work. When this Redditor shared her secret of being an affair baby with her husband’s family, it didn’t take long for it to become general knowledge. When no one involved in this deed saw anything wrong with what they did, the woman was left devastated. Scroll down to read the full story!
More info: Reddit
Some people cannot be trusted with secrets no matter what, and it’s painful when they see no problem with it
Image credits: ERIC MUFASA (not the actual photo)
A woman loves baking and was supposed to bake a cake for her niece’s birthday party
Image credits: meijii (not the actual photo)
A few days before the party, she learned that her in-laws blurted out her secret about being an affair baby and an orphan to their friends
Image credits: freestocks (not the actual photo)
She lost it and told her sister-in-law that she would no longer be baking a cake for her niece’s birthday despite it being only 3 days away
Image credits: No-Note-3098
The woman’s in-laws were enraged, calling and messaging her husband until he got fed up and blocked them
The OP began by sharing that she loves baking and often makes things such as cakes for friends and family. So, with her niece’s birthday coming up, her sister-in-law asked her to bake a birthday cake, which she was happy to do.
The woman was honored by this request as now she officially felt part of the family. At some point, she even shared one of the deepest secrets with them about being born out of an affair and later growing up in a foster home due to her parents passing away and having no other family members who would want her.
However, things took a turn when, a few months later, the OP ran into one of her in-laws’ friends, who was notorious for being a bad gossip. She went out of her way to stop the author and show malice disguised as concern, asking questions about when she and her husband are having kids and pretending to worry about them because of the woman’s past.
The poster felt betrayed. She told her husband about what happened, and he then confronted his family, who kept defending their actions by saying that they only shared it with a close circle of friends and arguing that people would’ve found out about it anyway.
Understanding how little her in-laws cared about what they did to her, the woman told her sister-in-law she would no longer be baking the cake despite only 3 days remaining until the niece’s birthday. This made the husband’s family mad, and they kept attacking him with calls and messages to the point where he had to block them.
The commenters jointly stood by the OP, agreeing she was not the jerk in this story. While some pitied the woman for the difficulties she had growing up and this recent betrayal she had to endure, others commended her for how strong she was and reassured her of what a good husband she had.
Image credits: Marina Utrabo (not the actual photo)
Betraying someone’s secret that they specifically asked you not to tell is wrong in almost every single scenario. But if you don’t know exactly where someone is coming from, it might still be a little difficult to understand why it is such a big deal for them. So, to help us get a better insight into why this situation hurt the OP as much as it did, we reached out to Jennifer Shindman, who is a child, adolescent, and adult psychologist.
When it comes to children born out of an affair, there are many difficulties that they might run into during the course of their lives, especially in childhood, which vary due to numerous factors. These include the community’s cultural view on affairs, the structure and stability of a child’s home life, and whether they’re blamed or feel responsible for any existing family problems. “Individual traits of the child are critical as well, including their temperament, personality, resiliency, and ability to positively cope with difficult situations.”
The expert explained that some of the most crucial things that children need from caregivers to grow up to be emotionally healthy are love, safety, and validation, which makes the situation all the more complicated, as the OP was orphaned as a girl. “Parents and caregivers help tint the shade of the lens that their children see the world through, so it is less about shielding children from hardships and more about teaching them how to cope and persevere through them.”
There are many internal and external battles that children in such situations might face. “Depending on their developmental level, children may struggle to reconcile how their mother or father is “good” but did a “bad” thing,” said Jennifer, adding that kids learn by categorizing, and if they’re young enough, they may not yet be able to think abstractly and judge only behavior, not the whole person.
People learning about the world through categorization also comes into play when talking about discrimination. “Discrimination happens when we erroneously categorize a group of people based on something about them and subsequently treat them poorly without truly knowing or understanding them.”
Many things, like misunderstandings, personal and global judgment, and fear, can fuel discrimination. “If people view someone that belongs to a certain group as less worthy or globally bad, then it becomes easier to justify treating them poorly,” Explained Jennifer, saying that since having an affair is usually categorized as bad, the person who had it seen as bad. And for children, there sometimes isn’t a big difference between a parent and a child when it comes to something like that.
In a hypothetical situation where the expert would have to work with someone who has dealt with such situations in their life, she said she would start by helping them understand that humans are fallible and can sometimes be cruel. “At the same time, I would make sure that they are treating themselves with grace, kindness, and compassion, and [that they] understand that just because someone thinks or says something, does not make it true.”
Jennifer explained that it’s very important for people dealing with this to know that hostility toward them is not their fault and that it’s possible to prepare for it if they’re likely to experience it in the future. However, while it is entirely their decision, keeping it a secret is rarely a good option. “Shame leads to us hiding something about ourselves because we think others would reject us if they knew it. If experiencing rejection often, a person may start believing that there truly is something wrong with them,” said the psychologist, summarizing that a detail or characteristic about someone does not define them.
In the end, everybody who has a secret usually keeps it for a reason. It might not always be the best way to cope with the things that they try to hide, but it’s never something that someone else should decide. And if they start taking steps towards opening up by sharing their secret with you, help them by listening and not gossiping about it with others.
What did you think of this story? Do you think keeping a secret is ever a good idea? Share your thoughts below!
People in the comments were very supportive of the poster and shocked by the insensitivity that her in-laws displayed
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
You May Also Like
Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk
Do you think childless individuals should be expected to chip in for group babysitting costs during friend gatherings?
17 Y.O. Is Done Sharing Her Birthday With Her Late Twin, Parents Are Not Having It
Do you think the girl should be allowed to celebrate her birthday without the remembrance of her deceased twin?
I agree, they can get a store-bought cake in time. Esp. for a 3 YO's party. They won't remember it.
Or I'm assuming SIL can read. She can buy butter, flour, eggs and make one herself. She still has choices, just no the one she wants, but that's tough
Load More Replies...
Town gossips are usually the worst kinds of people. They talk about other people's business like they are genuinely concerned, but really they just want to hurt people. We need to start standing up to these uncaring pot stirrers.
The worst part is people, and I am willing to wager these are people who claim to be Christians, holding the sins of the parents against the child—-the diametric opposite of what their rule book tells them to do. OP didn’t ask to be born. She didn’t ask her parents to have an affair and slip up on birth control. She also didn’t ask for them to die, and for both of their families to shun her and consign her to the possible horrors of the foster care system (I can only hope she went to good and caring foster parents). She should be judged on her own merits, and it seems she has many. Her past is no one’s business but her own. Her husband doesn’t judge her for it, so no one else should either, if she ever trusts them with her backstory. Guess now she and her husband just have to make their own family, made up of a circle of trusted friends and any children they decide to have, adopt—-or even foster. Created families are often closer and more loving than biological families, anyway, because you’re not stuck with them by birth, you get to choose who’s a part of it and can boot anyone who becomes toxic out. No one will ever criticize you for that. I hope OP and her husband have a long and happy life together, surrounded by (chosen) people who genuinely love them.
They didn't show OP any consideration but now expect consideration that it's 3 days before a birthday, which is somehow "not enough time" for a cake? F**K OFF.
Three days to source a cake is hardly an inconvenience whereas malicious gossip is actual cruel.
The only reason why it should not matter, should because it does not change anything about how a fantastic person this OP is. Regrettably, a lot of people would think otherwise and that is why they should have shut up about it. If it ever would become more common knowledge, then the ILs should have treated the information as if it was about her actually having a different haircolor. (As in; We know. So what? What does that change about how I should think about, value or treat this person?)
Do these people not understand the ripple effects of gossiping? The only purpose of telling "a small group of friends" is so each person in that group can tell another small group and so on and so on.. What a collective group of mean spirited, back stabbing jerks. You and your husband now know just how much to trust them. Do you really want them in your lives?
I will lend my voice in echoing what so many other people have said, OP. What your inlaws did to you was horrendous and I would go NC for a VERY long time with them. Block them on all social media, electronics, etc. Hopefully, some day they will understand what they did was wrong and appropriately apologize and seek forgiveness from you, and your husband.
NTA, but I wonder about what version of the story SIL is going to tell the kid about why Mean Auntie isn't going to make her a special cake. 3 is old enough to understand disappointment, but not narrative manipulation.
You know darn well they were talking c**p about her and they got busted and tried to justify it. Only to a few people? Why? Why bring it up at all it not to talk smack?
Whether or not OP specifically asked her husband’s family not to share her history, out of respect and love for her they should not have discussed it with anyone. Why would anyone think that this is something to share with their friends and neighbours? OP has a wonderful husband who clearly knows where his loyalty lies and also knows his family are totally untrustworthy now. She has nothing to be ashamed of because she did nothing wrong. Her husband’s family should be speaking to the nasty POS friend of theirs for ambushing her like that and apologising to her for their complete lack of trustworthiness and discretion.
Never tell anyone anything if you want it kept a secret. I found that out in a situation close to yours.
No, hon. She’s a devious person who exposed your dirty laundry, STRONGLY against your wishes … you owe her NOTHING! Her kid is 3 years old & won’t care what’s on her cake; as long as it’s loaded with sugar, she’ll be dandy. They have some nerve blowing up your phone after not even trying to apologise for your humiliation & drudging up bad memories, so don’t feel bad about this, since they don’t seem to care too much about your feelings. Vile people, SMH. 🥺🙅♀️
I had tears in my eyes reading that. We're all sending you hugs OP. You are not responsible for your birth or the a/h's too far up their own behinds to take you in. Your INLs loved having that little piece of gossip to spread around, the only ones who had that knowledge to pass on. As for saying that it would have come out anyway. How would it? There is absolutely no need for that to come up in any conversation. (Which also proves again how deliberately they passed it on. It didn't just slip out) As for the cake, they did that then still expected you to bake for them? The absolute nerve is chilling. To the 2% of voters who claimed it wasn't fair on the niece. Behave yourself. She's 3. She just wants cake. If you're that concerned she'll be traumatised I'm sure you can find the address and make her one yourselves if you put your mind to it.
NTA walmart target mejier kroger or whatever local supermarket ypu have all have a bakery with cakes oremade n customized you can get on a couple days or day of. Shes 3 itll suffice
You should never tell someone else your secrets, nobody respects your wishes as well as you do.
I hope someone has told to OP that there is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to her parentage and upbringing. I have seen far to many kids think they are "bad" because they didn't have a stable family. It's heartbreaking. The in-laws are terrible people for breaking her trust- it can also be implied that they do think less of OP because of her up bringing.
Before reading the story, I thought, maybe part AH if the niece was expecting a professional cake from Auntie, because that would be punishing the niece. But she is three. Unless SIL makes it a defining point to her daughter about mean old auntie, she will quickly forget it(if she even knows it was a thing). If the ILs are so worried about potential kids not having family on the other side, then they need to step up and fill in the gap by ensuring "no family" is an issue. We (my immediate and expanded family) do that with my daughters we adopted and have no father side family (I am single and they still have a relationship with their birth mother -my niece- but not their respective birth fathers). For the ILs to share why potential children wouldn't have family on their mother's side, when they were specifically asked not to is wrong and definitely makes them the AH. Expressing concern to close friends is one thing, but they certainly don't need to include all the details.
You don't owe them a GD thing... ever. TG the hubby isn't a douchewaffle.
Holy cráp on a cracker! Vile, narcissistic and histrionic gossip bütt munchers. This is why I continue to say... bears don't have family reunions. Build your family of choice with trustable people... move forward. You deserve the best. I had to cut out a similarly toxic family. 20, plus, years later... my life is exponentially better. Be well!
NTA at all. But even after an IL did this I would still make the cake. The IL's are TA but the cake is for a three year old who had no part in any of this. I just couldn't do this to a child on their birthday and be able to look at myself in the mirror. But you better believe after this cake they could lose my number permanently.
Niece is only 3. Any pretty cake is fine at that age (unless parents told her about it in detail). Even so, store cakes are fine, and many decorations can be purchased and added on. It's a lesson those in-laws need to learn.
Bake the cake, bring it over, and then shove it in the SIL's face. Lit candles? Your call.
I agree, they can get a store-bought cake in time. Esp. for a 3 YO's party. They won't remember it.
Or I'm assuming SIL can read. She can buy butter, flour, eggs and make one herself. She still has choices, just no the one she wants, but that's tough
Load More Replies... Town gossips are usually the worst kinds of people. They talk about other people's business like they are genuinely concerned, but really they just want to hurt people. We need to start standing up to these uncaring pot stirrers.
The worst part is people, and I am willing to wager these are people who claim to be Christians, holding the sins of the parents against the child—-the diametric opposite of what their rule book tells them to do. OP didn’t ask to be born. She didn’t ask her parents to have an affair and slip up on birth control. She also didn’t ask for them to die, and for both of their families to shun her and consign her to the possible horrors of the foster care system (I can only hope she went to good and caring foster parents). She should be judged on her own merits, and it seems she has many. Her past is no one’s business but her own. Her husband doesn’t judge her for it, so no one else should either, if she ever trusts them with her backstory. Guess now she and her husband just have to make their own family, made up of a circle of trusted friends and any children they decide to have, adopt—-or even foster. Created families are often closer and more loving than biological families, anyway, because you’re not stuck with them by birth, you get to choose who’s a part of it and can boot anyone who becomes toxic out. No one will ever criticize you for that. I hope OP and her husband have a long and happy life together, surrounded by (chosen) people who genuinely love them.
They didn't show OP any consideration but now expect consideration that it's 3 days before a birthday, which is somehow "not enough time" for a cake? F**K OFF.
Three days to source a cake is hardly an inconvenience whereas malicious gossip is actual cruel.
The only reason why it should not matter, should because it does not change anything about how a fantastic person this OP is. Regrettably, a lot of people would think otherwise and that is why they should have shut up about it. If it ever would become more common knowledge, then the ILs should have treated the information as if it was about her actually having a different haircolor. (As in; We know. So what? What does that change about how I should think about, value or treat this person?)
Do these people not understand the ripple effects of gossiping? The only purpose of telling "a small group of friends" is so each person in that group can tell another small group and so on and so on.. What a collective group of mean spirited, back stabbing jerks. You and your husband now know just how much to trust them. Do you really want them in your lives?
I will lend my voice in echoing what so many other people have said, OP. What your inlaws did to you was horrendous and I would go NC for a VERY long time with them. Block them on all social media, electronics, etc. Hopefully, some day they will understand what they did was wrong and appropriately apologize and seek forgiveness from you, and your husband.
NTA, but I wonder about what version of the story SIL is going to tell the kid about why Mean Auntie isn't going to make her a special cake. 3 is old enough to understand disappointment, but not narrative manipulation.
You know darn well they were talking c**p about her and they got busted and tried to justify it. Only to a few people? Why? Why bring it up at all it not to talk smack?
Whether or not OP specifically asked her husband’s family not to share her history, out of respect and love for her they should not have discussed it with anyone. Why would anyone think that this is something to share with their friends and neighbours? OP has a wonderful husband who clearly knows where his loyalty lies and also knows his family are totally untrustworthy now. She has nothing to be ashamed of because she did nothing wrong. Her husband’s family should be speaking to the nasty POS friend of theirs for ambushing her like that and apologising to her for their complete lack of trustworthiness and discretion.
Never tell anyone anything if you want it kept a secret. I found that out in a situation close to yours.
No, hon. She’s a devious person who exposed your dirty laundry, STRONGLY against your wishes … you owe her NOTHING! Her kid is 3 years old & won’t care what’s on her cake; as long as it’s loaded with sugar, she’ll be dandy. They have some nerve blowing up your phone after not even trying to apologise for your humiliation & drudging up bad memories, so don’t feel bad about this, since they don’t seem to care too much about your feelings. Vile people, SMH. 🥺🙅♀️
I had tears in my eyes reading that. We're all sending you hugs OP. You are not responsible for your birth or the a/h's too far up their own behinds to take you in. Your INLs loved having that little piece of gossip to spread around, the only ones who had that knowledge to pass on. As for saying that it would have come out anyway. How would it? There is absolutely no need for that to come up in any conversation. (Which also proves again how deliberately they passed it on. It didn't just slip out) As for the cake, they did that then still expected you to bake for them? The absolute nerve is chilling. To the 2% of voters who claimed it wasn't fair on the niece. Behave yourself. She's 3. She just wants cake. If you're that concerned she'll be traumatised I'm sure you can find the address and make her one yourselves if you put your mind to it.
NTA walmart target mejier kroger or whatever local supermarket ypu have all have a bakery with cakes oremade n customized you can get on a couple days or day of. Shes 3 itll suffice
You should never tell someone else your secrets, nobody respects your wishes as well as you do.
I hope someone has told to OP that there is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to her parentage and upbringing. I have seen far to many kids think they are "bad" because they didn't have a stable family. It's heartbreaking. The in-laws are terrible people for breaking her trust- it can also be implied that they do think less of OP because of her up bringing.
Before reading the story, I thought, maybe part AH if the niece was expecting a professional cake from Auntie, because that would be punishing the niece. But she is three. Unless SIL makes it a defining point to her daughter about mean old auntie, she will quickly forget it(if she even knows it was a thing). If the ILs are so worried about potential kids not having family on the other side, then they need to step up and fill in the gap by ensuring "no family" is an issue. We (my immediate and expanded family) do that with my daughters we adopted and have no father side family (I am single and they still have a relationship with their birth mother -my niece- but not their respective birth fathers). For the ILs to share why potential children wouldn't have family on their mother's side, when they were specifically asked not to is wrong and definitely makes them the AH. Expressing concern to close friends is one thing, but they certainly don't need to include all the details.
You don't owe them a GD thing... ever. TG the hubby isn't a douchewaffle.
Holy cráp on a cracker! Vile, narcissistic and histrionic gossip bütt munchers. This is why I continue to say... bears don't have family reunions. Build your family of choice with trustable people... move forward. You deserve the best. I had to cut out a similarly toxic family. 20, plus, years later... my life is exponentially better. Be well!
NTA at all. But even after an IL did this I would still make the cake. The IL's are TA but the cake is for a three year old who had no part in any of this. I just couldn't do this to a child on their birthday and be able to look at myself in the mirror. But you better believe after this cake they could lose my number permanently.
Niece is only 3. Any pretty cake is fine at that age (unless parents told her about it in detail). Even so, store cakes are fine, and many decorations can be purchased and added on. It's a lesson those in-laws need to learn.
Bake the cake, bring it over, and then shove it in the SIL's face. Lit candles? Your call.
67
35