“Boyfriend Bought Me A $14 Necklace For My 30th Birthday”

Not all birthdays are created equal. When we let most numbers pass without a fuss, milestone occasions ending in zero — bigger flips of the page — are important enough to mark the passing of another year. When you reach that landmark age, you know you deserve more than a witty card and a cake blaring “wow, you’re old!”. Not because you expect your loved ones to spend a small fortune, but because you hope they will make your day extra special.

Unfortunately, that was not the case for one woman who recently shared on Mumsnet that her 30th birthday left her deeply disappointed. Her boyfriend, who is “not struggling financially”, made no effort with her present and also managed to turn a sweet celebratory dinner into a bitter experience.

Unsure of what to think of his actions, the woman reached out to the community and asked them to evaluate the situation. Scroll down to read the story in full, as well as how the people reacted. Then decide for yourself what the woman should do, and be sure to weigh in on the discussion in the comments.

This woman recently shared how her 30th birthday celebration was ruined by her boyfriend’s “lack of effort”

Image credits: ilonn16 (not the actual photo)

She reached out to the internet to gain some perspective on the situation

Image credits: garann (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Fairylights246

After reading the post, fellow forum users were quick to offer their opinion on what the woman should do. Especially considering that the couple is still in the honeymoon phase, some said the woman should dump her boyfriend — but not everyone agreed. Other people chimed in stating the boyfriend did at least remember the occasion and expressing that the amount of money he spent on the gift isn’t what really matters.

Gifts can be a powerful tool in bringing two people together. But sometimes, present-giving is a bit tricky. Whether you’re unsure what to buy, the relationship is new, or the traditions you were raised in are rather different — thinking of something special to give your partner can often feel like navigating a minefield.

To gain more insight on the topic, we reached out to John Kenny, a relationship empowerment coach, host of The Relationship Guy podcast, and author of The P.E.O.P.L.E. Programme: How to Overcome Your Blocks to Success. According to him, it shouldn’t be hard to find something your loved ones enjoy if you notice what they are interested in.

Of course, there will always be people who are very hard to please, no matter the sentiment behind your gift, Kenny added. “But if you put thought into something, then the receiver, on the whole, will appreciate it. Be aware of their love language too, as you can make it even more special if it fits their style.”

“It can also be hard for those who are people pleasers or lack confidence, have a need to be accepted or liked as their fear of getting it wrong can lead to anxiety when looking for something/doing something. Again though, if you have paid attention, then there will be something you can do.”

When it comes to the story in question, relationship coach Kenny pointed out that the boyfriend did not take the time, thought, or attention to give his partner a good gift. “Their partner has no desire to make them feel special on their birthday, and the icing on the cake is to ask them to go dutch!”

“She has every right to feel upset at not only the lack of thought but the cheap nature of the gift. This could make someone feel uncared for and undervalued and that you haven’t taken any interest in who they are,” Kenny explained. “Over time, this will have a detrimental impact on the relationship as it consistently shows a lack of consideration.”

However, looking at the bigger picture and the previous nine months of the relationship suggests that it doesn’t fall in line with this, he added. “They may show love from their own love language perspective and don’t see material things as significant, and this needs to be addressed if you do.”

“They may also be an avoidant type personality and their feelings could be changing after 9 months, and this is their way of withdrawing from the relationship. Or they could be a manipulative type person who has love bombed for 9 months and now believe they don’t need to put in any effort and are testing how much you will put up with,” Kenny said and added to be mindful of these things and never settle for less than you deserve.

Handling these situations comes down to communication. “It should be evident to them how you feel about your birthday,” Kenny said. “If they don’t realize that you are looking forward to it, haven’t discussed the significance of it, etc., then they may think you don’t want to be made a fuss of or thought about. If they also don’t indulge themselves on their birthday, then they may do the same with you.”

“That is why it is important they are aware of how you feel about it and do something you will find significant. Not spending lots of money or going to fancy places necessarily, but something meaningful you will appreciate.”

Coach Kenny likes to use an equation to determine the quality of the relationship. “If you are getting 80% of what you want and need from someone, then that is a good base for a relationship. The other 20% we can usually manage as everything else is good. Anything less than that, and we want to consider if this is the right person for me.”

After reading the story, some people sounded the alarm about the relationship

While there is no set of rules on how much you should spend, a survey of more than 1,000 U.S. consumers conducted by LendingTree found that spending is highest on birthday gifts, surpassing milestones like weddings and graduations. Moreover, 45% of recipients admitted to spending more than they can afford because they “want the recipient to think highly of me.” Over half of consumers felt pressured to buy a gift at some point, and another 39% reported typically spending between $100 and $499 on gifts for others’ celebrations in a year.

Jeff Galak, an associate professor of marketing at Carnegie Mellon University’s Tepper School of Business and co-author of a study called Why Certain Gifts Are Great to Give but Not to Get, found that givers mainly focus on the moment of gift exchange, whereas recipients primarily think about how valuable the object will be once owned.

When it comes to reasons people choose bad gifts for their loved ones, Galak previously told Bored Panda that mistakes occur because givers don’t ask recipients what they want. “There’s an odd cultural taboo that exists which makes people uncomfortable asking someone what kind of gift they want. But that taboo is entirely inappropriate. Gift recipients know what they want and they are eager to tell gift-givers. There is nothing wrong with sharing that information and there’s nothing wrong with asking for it.”

According to the professor, a wrong gift can also signal a lack of care. “If a giver gives a gift that isn’t well received, there is a chance that the relationship will be strained. Gifts act as a social lubricant that signals care for another person… but that is undermined when the gift is bad.”

Of course, there is one way to avoid finding ourselves in these kinds of situations. “Just ask! The easiest way to give a good gift is to ask someone what they want. People appreciate the fact that they are being asked as that signals that the giver really wants to give something that is well-liked,” he explained.

Ultimately, everyone has a different financial situation and a certain relationship with the birthday star, so it’s best to communicate with each other and determine what works best for you. What did you think of the situation? Do you think the woman has a fair point or expects too much of her partner? Let us know where you stand on the matter in the comments, we’d love to hear from you.

And others reminded the user that it’s not all about the money

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