When british mom Bekki Pope "pushed out a baby" she decided to give other soon-to-be-moms some heads up. Her Facebook post aptly named "20 things to know when you've just pushed out a baby" instantly went viral generating more than 114,000 likes and 80,000 shares. Why is it so popular? Probably because it's so brutally honest, relatable and at the same time shows what soon-to-be-moms should expect.
Check them out below even if you're not a mother yet - they'll definitely make you giggle and understand the process better!
#1 The after pains. Pain. After. Who knew? When God designed women to give birth, he well and truly screwed us over....
#2 Your first wee. Take a jug with you and pour it over your bits like you're trying to be a star in some very disturbing porno. It helps.
#3 Your first poo. Do not panic. You are not having another baby. It just feels that way. But just remember the size of the thing you pushed out of the front bit, and the prospect of pushing out what's in the back bit won't be quite so daunting. Your bum is not falling out. Or it might be. If you have piles. Which you probably do...
#4 Your baby looks weird. Like... Really weird. 'Oh how cute/such a beautiful baby' etc will be said at you and you'll accept other people's opinions, but to you it looks like a hairless slightly purple old grandad with dried blood and skin stuck to its wrinkly face.
#5 Their downstairs bits are ridiculous. You will worry about the impact they will have on their lives should they stay like that. Boys little nuggets are the size of whole walnut whips, but their willies are the size of the walnuts on the top that nobody wants. Apparently this 'swelling' goes down soon. If it doesn't, expect 'big bollocks' to be part of your sons school nickname.
#6 Their first poo is not actually poo. It's tar. The midwives sneak in over night, fill your baby's nappy with treacle and then test you to see if you know to get rid of it, or to see if you decide to take one look at it and start googling 'why do nappies come pre-filled with marmite?'
#7 Your first shower will be like a scene from Carrie. It's normal. It may feel like you'll never be right again and that you'll walk like John Wayne forever, and you might, but you'll feel so much better for the shower. You're literally washing away your sins. (If the baby was born out of wedlock anyway....)
#8 Midwives like babies. They will come and pick yours up with no prior warning. They will squeeze their testicles, massage their tummies to make them crap, and fiddle with their face so much you're sure the baby looks like it's had botox when they give it back.
#9 Your baby hates you. It's not crying. It's communicating with its master- the devil- about how successful their plan to destroy you is going. Seriously - it doesn't actually hate you. It may seem like it never cries when anyone else holds it or that it enjoys keeping you up all night, but really, it is so dependant on you it's embarrassing. Human babies are embarrassing.
#10 You will say the word 'latch' more than you have ever said it in your life. And the idea of a tiny person casually sucking on your nipples suddenly becomes a reality. At this moment, you will feel like an actual proper mum.
And a cow.