Woman Makes Fun Of Her Vegan Co-Worker, Gets Upset When She Refuses To Try Her “Vegan” Cake
Setting or being respectful of other people’s boundaries is an acquired skill. It can be particularly enraging when others disrespect your dietary choices. Whether you don’t eat something because of your religion, ethics, or allergies, there sure is someone who would just love to see you unintentionally break these rules. Then you might hear something among the lines of “I am so proud of you for eating this thing you don’t normally eat,” or “Relax, bro, it’s just a prank.” A vegan woman came to ask the AmITheA-hole? subreddit if it was O.K. of her to refuse to try her colleague’s birthday cake, which she had suspicions contained animal products. The post received 3.1k comments and over 29k upvotes. Tell us your perspective on her story and about similar experiences you’ve had. Since the art of developing good relationships is difficult and full of nuances, scroll down for psychologist Dr. Perpetua Neo’s tips to help you navigate similar situations.
More info: Reddit
It can be hard trying to not leave out a person with dietary restrictions at parties, but is it okay to tell a little lie?
Image credits: Jonathan McIntosh
This vegan woman asked the AmITheA-hole? forum if it was okay for her to refuse to try her coworker’s cake
Image credits: Reddit
“A lot of us are afraid to express our NOs, but our NOs actually teach other people limits of what we are willing to accept in our lives. Our NOs teach people how to treat us. When you’ve got the right mindset with regards to your NOs, then they are a lot easier for the other person to honor. Whereas if you go about it in a very unconfident and very hesitant manner, then someone else would take it as ‘Hmm, maybe it’s O.K. to step over your boundaries,’” Dr. Perpetua Noa says, highlighting that having boundaries does not make you a pugnacious person.
Lorande9 said that her coworker Bea had to be asked repeatedly by others to respect her diet before
Image credits: Reddit
She warns that if someone constantly steps over multiple people’s boundaries, “chances are they are a little bit sadistic, or extremely narcissistic and entitled.” Dr. Perpetua admits that the term narcissist can be overused, but that stepping over boundaries is consistent with this personality disorder. If you want to make someone respect your boundaries, she advises you to start with saying “no, I will not do this” or “no, I will not tolerate this.” She adds, “say it in a firm manner and don’t say it in a way that makes somebody else be apologetic for you.”
Her coworker claimed that her homemade cake was vegan specifically to accommodate Lorande9
Image credits: Reddit
Dr. Perpetua mentioned she likes the AmITheA-hole subreddit, where this story was posted, as it is very useful for people to understand things like boundaries and cross-cultural norms, especially for young people, those in minority ethnically or even those who just moved and want to adapt to their new environment. However, if years later, you keep asking for advice about every little thing from 50 different people, she suggests it means you do not have the skills to listen to yourself and choose to “outsource authority” instead.
Bea threw a tantrum when Lorande9 refused to try the cake
Image credits: Reddit
The subreddit community largely supported OP’s decision
Dr. Perpetua agreed with the forum’s consensus that the woman offering the cake was clearly bullying her vegan colleague. When talking about what HR, mentioned by so many commentators, should do in such situations, she suggested they talk to the disrespectful colleague, giving her a warning and expressing a consequence if she is not willing to change her behavior.
Dr. Neo adds, “We’ve got quite a lot of academic studies saying that sometimes people who have alternative eating habits are a bit snobbier or more depressed, or forcing their views upon people.” She added that this is a common trope in parodies, however in the same media “you don’t see a meat-eater forcing a vegan to eat a hamburger or stuff like that, but clearly, in this case, the tables have been turned quite obviously.” In both cases, she suggests one should not shove their choices down others’ throats, but act by the rule of “do not do unto others what you don’t want done unto you.”
Others shared their experiences when dealing with dietary restrictions
To the co-worker’s credit, it can be hard to know if a cake is 100% vegan even if it does not contain eggs or dairy, simply because plant-based products can be processed with those derived from animals. Some white sugars get their color from bone char and red velvet cake (many lipsticks as well) from cochineal insects. Figs, beer, and wine are a whole other rabbit hole.
If all this time, you kept thinking “Neo, like in the Matrix? And as a psychologist, she loves going below the surface too?”, yes, Dr. P. Neo goes on about her love for the trilogy on her personal website.
Some commenters debated whether the story is fictional
Dr. Perpetua Neo recommends the book Boundary Boss by Terri Cole, which can help people of any age practice setting boundaries step by step.
Others provided their input without reading
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What the hell is wrong with grown ass people?! crying because a colleague wont eat your cake? my five year old wouldn't be offended by that. People have lost their minds completely! This women is a bully and an obnoxious human being to begin with, why is it her business what other people eat or don't eat? I would also file a complaint against a boss who thinks he has a right to force his employee to eat something against their will. has the world gone mental?
And why is the boss rewarding immature behaviour and making the bully's target the one to humour this idiocy?
Load More Replies... Not even a little bit asshole, but in response to some comments coeliac disease and veganism are not equivalent.
I agree completely. Being vegan is a choice, but coeliac is not. Allergies and dietary choices (whilst both still important) are not one and the same.
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That last comment was amazing. I have a hunch that Mr. "I didn't even read the title and my opinion is already throbbing" probably hasn't spent a lot of time researching.
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NTA - the coworker sounds like someone who likes drama and manipulation. I would avoid her like the plague and never show any reaction if possible.
She does sound like the sort of person who'd tell a diabetic her cake is "sugar free".
Load More Replies... Wanna make a vegan dessert? Bake an apple pie, with a crust that uses shortening instead of butter or lard! Vegan desserts aren't hard... its just vegan *cakes* that are hard. Cakes usually need eggs to turn out right, so i think the OP was right to pass on a cake from a dubious source.
I've found that vegan brownies are harder than cakes. I've tried many times and have by now given up on them. This is my go-to vegan cake recipe for anyone who wants a try - it is SOOOO good! https://minimalistbaker.com/one-bowl-vegan-chocolate-cake/
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Was the cake vegan though? I have a milk allergy and ive got really ill from people telling me something was vegan but it wasnt 🙁 i cant understand why people get angry about what foods people choose not to eat, its nothing to do with them?
Probably wasn't vegan. I never eat anything from other people unless it's certain family and friends I can trust. People will lie.
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NTA...and I'd be contacting HR about her too...I work with a vegan who is very respectful about other workers dietary habits as we are hers. We had an office BBQ and we made sure to include and cook separately her vegan burgers, which we tried and liked. We draw no attention to it and when I offer her stuff I tell her I read the label carefully because I do like some of the vegan options at grocery stores even though I eat meat as well. This person was being a straight up asshole and is lucky she didn't pull that crap in my office.
That is really nice of you. I was always left out of the many work lunches. That reminds me, I brought veggie burgers to work once. They were doing a cookout with burgers and dogs for our department, mostly young men and one was a vegetarian and recovering addict trying to get his life back together. He was so excited! Having a nut allergy I try to look out for others dietary habits.
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imagine being highly allergic to shellfish or peanuts, eggs, milk or what ever.. having to be super strict about your diet even when going out with your dramatic and having that one friend pressuring you to eat some of her food, that you are-too dramatic and a little bit won't kill you for sure... and one day when you are out with friends on a picknick she hands you a set of fork and knife to eat your food (what you don't know is that she has rubbed the fork and knife with crabs meat before giving them to you.) all of this just to prove a point of how you can survive a bit of shellfish.
NTA! If I don't want cake, I don't want cake! Bea is the same sort who would sabotage ANY diet! "Come on, one lil bite won't hurt!" Yes, Bea. Yes it will. No means no.
To be honest outside of our wedding black forest cake, the second best is vegan cake my sis in law is ordering for her family, we love it.
I've had vegan cake - amazing! I sometimes joke "Make friends with vegans. They'll make you yummy desserts in an attempt to convert you." They don't try to convert me, but their yummy food has me coming over to the plant side more often.
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Sounds like Bea is just a giant B. People should just mind their damn business about other people's diets - it has no effect on you or your own body so don't worry about it.
If that person's birthday was 'ruined' because ONE person didn't want some of her cake, I feel like that's a huge red flag. I'm not vegan and I don't always want cake a birthday celebration. That person needs to grow up and get a grip.
I agree! We rarely do birthday cakes. I don't care for cake unless I'm in the mood so at weddings I will take a bite of my husband's (who will never turn down cake!) if I'm sure it has no nuts so I can compliment the cake. Nobody makes a bad wedding cake.
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im_a_good_troglodyte is "facking s**t" (to use her language) disgusting, disrespectful moron. She knows nothing about nutritional science. We have health and opioid crisis and vegans are not responsible for them. Reference: Physician Committee for Responsible Medicine. Also the psychologist claims that vegans are snobbier? Well, not those who have chosen this life style for ethical reason; yes, it is depressing to see all that cruelty and destruction in the world.
OP sounds like the perfect person to me, lives their own life without the need to preach or announce their lifestyle choices to the world. Even if it WAS a vegan cake, there's no reason she should eat it, but equally baker is suffering from "boy who cried wolf" syndrome where she's been an asshat so many times, OP can't trust what she says.
... that kind of coworker is the exact type of person who writes all the vegan-bashery on BP - stupid af and totally not even getting the point. It begins (likely without bad intention) when it is called a dietary choice. It's not. It just happens that it's influence in decisions about eating are the most visible ones that you can't even hide for very long if you try to.
the person in the last one is so unbelievably dumb. They didn't read it, and THEN they thought it was about a completely opposite thing. also they sound like an AH. idk why that comment stuck out to me so much.
I just do not get why people feel the need to debate Vegans and Vegetarians. You would never become argumentative or debate someone with a food allergy or food restriction due to religious beliefs. But say you are a Vegan or Vegetarian and the negative comments and debates come out. I have been a vegetarian for 10 years and every time I go out to eat with the family the eye-rolling and negative comments start when ordering. We are all middle ages people too. Far too old for that kind of crap. They will literally sit there and put me down for my dietary preferences. Strangers will boldly ask "WHY" when they find out I do not eat meat. It is so insanely stupid. I don't ask meat eaters why they like to eat the rotting flesh of murdered animals. I just sit there quietly and let you enjoy your food.
And if she had said she can't eat it because of celiavs or diabetes, would that be the bosses answer? Nobody has to eat something they don't want to.
I think that it is important to recognize that relentless teasing is not having fun--it is purely a form of aggression and humiliation. The best way to predict future behavior is past behavior and considering what she has done, I would not eat ANYTHING she brought to work. If she has a meltdown because you don't eat the food that is just another HUGE red flag that you are dealing with someone who has some serious psychological issues. If your boss does not recognize this, then he/she is emotionally naive. You did the right thing. However, I know I would have told the woman that after all the stunts she has played to get you to eat non-vegan food, and her lack of respect for your food choices, you do not trust her to eat the cake.
I don't know if this particular story is true, but it may be. There is this sort of people who, having found out that somebody doesn't eat a certain product, will go on a mission to convince this person to try or "trick" them into eating it. It doesn't matter why a person doesn't eat something - for medical, ethical, religious reasons, or just because they don't like this food - just let them be and find another hobby.
i'm vegetarian, have been since birth (my parents are vegetarian since before they had me, i've grown up this way). there have been a few times when meat ended up in my food and it didn't upset my stomach but it upset my heart because it 1. wasn't kosher 2. dead flesh and 3. tastes terrible. and it could have srsly upset my stomach, i'm just lucky to ahve a strong one.
Veganism can be spiritual and religious for many. If that's the case with you this is harassment and you should file a formal complaint with HR. Coming from someone in HR
It's a pretty messed up system if "No, because I'm consciously opposed" is less valid than "No, because ancient demigods said so in cryptic tomes."
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Funny how vegans are often attacked for being attention seekers but almost every time it's meat eaters who feel deep inside they're morally worse than vegans so they want to punish others for their own feelings.
This woman's attitude is insane. She was obviously waiting for a "gotcha!" moment. But I have to say, I've been "called out" by vegans for the "sin:" of eating animal flesh. It goes both ways, people need to chill and accept that other people choose a diet that seems strange to them. You go eat your leaves and grasses, I'll stick with my steaks.
1. Vegans are not fake, it's the only way planet can survive from global warming perspective alone; 2. i'm not vegan, but my most delicious burger i've ever eaten was at a vegan restaurant; 3. this story is stupid. Same as someone forcing a cake onto diabetic person! Or to bulimic person! Or someone who's trying to go on a diet and has struggles
I don't understand why the other woman cares if her co-worker is vegan or not, why does she make such a big deal of it.
Totally unacceptable behavior of her, trying to trick her into eating something she doesn't agree with. This is targeted bullying, and it is just as bad as the other extreme - vegans and vegetarians trying to push their stuff on others, which is also unacceptable. It is perfectly fine if you are a vegan, vegetarian, pescetarian or whatever, but please keep that part to yourself, eat what pleases you, and mind your own business, and this goes both ways.
Does not matter if you are a vegan, lactose intolerant, have celiac disease, diabetic, fasting, on a diet or some other sht! If you don’t want to eat a fkn cake then no don’t eat a fkn cake! The drama lady probably made a scene because she was trying to get you to eat something she knew you wouldn’t, and got called out for it. Vegan baking is freaking hard and not something you do for the first time overnight.
NTA. Aside from the vegan issue, it strikes me as weird to offer coworkers a bite of food from one's own lunch during the coronavirus pandemic.
There are ONLY 2 A-holes here. Your coworker and your boss and that boss should be reported to HR. How can a person even bake anything but cookies vegan and have it come out right if the recipe calls for eggs or dairy. I'm guessing yeast is allowed since it's not an animal.
When someone tells me they are vegetarian or vegan I just thank them because that means more meat for me :)
LOL. When my mother-in-law couldn't eat some spicy meatballs, I was happy to help. I don't eat much meat, but damn, my brother-in-law is a really good cook!
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Though I do not agree with veganism but I strongly believe in people living the way they want. So you do not have to do something that opposes your believes as long as those believes do not harm anyone like anti-vaxxers do. Definitely NTA. That lady with that princess attitude can kick rocks.
How do you not agree with someone's food choices? That's an odd statement.
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Weirdo. No one is talking about forcing animals to be vegan.
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What the hell is wrong with grown ass people?! crying because a colleague wont eat your cake? my five year old wouldn't be offended by that. People have lost their minds completely! This women is a bully and an obnoxious human being to begin with, why is it her business what other people eat or don't eat? I would also file a complaint against a boss who thinks he has a right to force his employee to eat something against their will. has the world gone mental?
And why is the boss rewarding immature behaviour and making the bully's target the one to humour this idiocy?
Load More Replies... Not even a little bit asshole, but in response to some comments coeliac disease and veganism are not equivalent.
I agree completely. Being vegan is a choice, but coeliac is not. Allergies and dietary choices (whilst both still important) are not one and the same.
Load More Replies... That last comment was amazing. I have a hunch that Mr. "I didn't even read the title and my opinion is already throbbing" probably hasn't spent a lot of time researching.
Load More Replies... NTA - the coworker sounds like someone who likes drama and manipulation. I would avoid her like the plague and never show any reaction if possible.
She does sound like the sort of person who'd tell a diabetic her cake is "sugar free".
Load More Replies... Wanna make a vegan dessert? Bake an apple pie, with a crust that uses shortening instead of butter or lard! Vegan desserts aren't hard... its just vegan *cakes* that are hard. Cakes usually need eggs to turn out right, so i think the OP was right to pass on a cake from a dubious source.
I've found that vegan brownies are harder than cakes. I've tried many times and have by now given up on them. This is my go-to vegan cake recipe for anyone who wants a try - it is SOOOO good! https://minimalistbaker.com/one-bowl-vegan-chocolate-cake/
Load More Replies... Was the cake vegan though? I have a milk allergy and ive got really ill from people telling me something was vegan but it wasnt 🙁 i cant understand why people get angry about what foods people choose not to eat, its nothing to do with them?
Probably wasn't vegan. I never eat anything from other people unless it's certain family and friends I can trust. People will lie.
Load More Replies... NTA...and I'd be contacting HR about her too...I work with a vegan who is very respectful about other workers dietary habits as we are hers. We had an office BBQ and we made sure to include and cook separately her vegan burgers, which we tried and liked. We draw no attention to it and when I offer her stuff I tell her I read the label carefully because I do like some of the vegan options at grocery stores even though I eat meat as well. This person was being a straight up asshole and is lucky she didn't pull that crap in my office.
That is really nice of you. I was always left out of the many work lunches. That reminds me, I brought veggie burgers to work once. They were doing a cookout with burgers and dogs for our department, mostly young men and one was a vegetarian and recovering addict trying to get his life back together. He was so excited! Having a nut allergy I try to look out for others dietary habits.
Load More Replies... imagine being highly allergic to shellfish or peanuts, eggs, milk or what ever.. having to be super strict about your diet even when going out with your dramatic and having that one friend pressuring you to eat some of her food, that you are-too dramatic and a little bit won't kill you for sure... and one day when you are out with friends on a picknick she hands you a set of fork and knife to eat your food (what you don't know is that she has rubbed the fork and knife with crabs meat before giving them to you.) all of this just to prove a point of how you can survive a bit of shellfish.
NTA! If I don't want cake, I don't want cake! Bea is the same sort who would sabotage ANY diet! "Come on, one lil bite won't hurt!" Yes, Bea. Yes it will. No means no.
To be honest outside of our wedding black forest cake, the second best is vegan cake my sis in law is ordering for her family, we love it.
I've had vegan cake - amazing! I sometimes joke "Make friends with vegans. They'll make you yummy desserts in an attempt to convert you." They don't try to convert me, but their yummy food has me coming over to the plant side more often.
Load More Replies... Sounds like Bea is just a giant B. People should just mind their damn business about other people's diets - it has no effect on you or your own body so don't worry about it.
If that person's birthday was 'ruined' because ONE person didn't want some of her cake, I feel like that's a huge red flag. I'm not vegan and I don't always want cake a birthday celebration. That person needs to grow up and get a grip.
I agree! We rarely do birthday cakes. I don't care for cake unless I'm in the mood so at weddings I will take a bite of my husband's (who will never turn down cake!) if I'm sure it has no nuts so I can compliment the cake. Nobody makes a bad wedding cake.
Load More Replies... im_a_good_troglodyte is "facking s**t" (to use her language) disgusting, disrespectful moron. She knows nothing about nutritional science. We have health and opioid crisis and vegans are not responsible for them. Reference: Physician Committee for Responsible Medicine. Also the psychologist claims that vegans are snobbier? Well, not those who have chosen this life style for ethical reason; yes, it is depressing to see all that cruelty and destruction in the world.
OP sounds like the perfect person to me, lives their own life without the need to preach or announce their lifestyle choices to the world. Even if it WAS a vegan cake, there's no reason she should eat it, but equally baker is suffering from "boy who cried wolf" syndrome where she's been an asshat so many times, OP can't trust what she says.
... that kind of coworker is the exact type of person who writes all the vegan-bashery on BP - stupid af and totally not even getting the point. It begins (likely without bad intention) when it is called a dietary choice. It's not. It just happens that it's influence in decisions about eating are the most visible ones that you can't even hide for very long if you try to.
the person in the last one is so unbelievably dumb. They didn't read it, and THEN they thought it was about a completely opposite thing. also they sound like an AH. idk why that comment stuck out to me so much.
I just do not get why people feel the need to debate Vegans and Vegetarians. You would never become argumentative or debate someone with a food allergy or food restriction due to religious beliefs. But say you are a Vegan or Vegetarian and the negative comments and debates come out. I have been a vegetarian for 10 years and every time I go out to eat with the family the eye-rolling and negative comments start when ordering. We are all middle ages people too. Far too old for that kind of crap. They will literally sit there and put me down for my dietary preferences. Strangers will boldly ask "WHY" when they find out I do not eat meat. It is so insanely stupid. I don't ask meat eaters why they like to eat the rotting flesh of murdered animals. I just sit there quietly and let you enjoy your food.
And if she had said she can't eat it because of celiavs or diabetes, would that be the bosses answer? Nobody has to eat something they don't want to.
I think that it is important to recognize that relentless teasing is not having fun--it is purely a form of aggression and humiliation. The best way to predict future behavior is past behavior and considering what she has done, I would not eat ANYTHING she brought to work. If she has a meltdown because you don't eat the food that is just another HUGE red flag that you are dealing with someone who has some serious psychological issues. If your boss does not recognize this, then he/she is emotionally naive. You did the right thing. However, I know I would have told the woman that after all the stunts she has played to get you to eat non-vegan food, and her lack of respect for your food choices, you do not trust her to eat the cake.
I don't know if this particular story is true, but it may be. There is this sort of people who, having found out that somebody doesn't eat a certain product, will go on a mission to convince this person to try or "trick" them into eating it. It doesn't matter why a person doesn't eat something - for medical, ethical, religious reasons, or just because they don't like this food - just let them be and find another hobby.
i'm vegetarian, have been since birth (my parents are vegetarian since before they had me, i've grown up this way). there have been a few times when meat ended up in my food and it didn't upset my stomach but it upset my heart because it 1. wasn't kosher 2. dead flesh and 3. tastes terrible. and it could have srsly upset my stomach, i'm just lucky to ahve a strong one.
Veganism can be spiritual and religious for many. If that's the case with you this is harassment and you should file a formal complaint with HR. Coming from someone in HR
It's a pretty messed up system if "No, because I'm consciously opposed" is less valid than "No, because ancient demigods said so in cryptic tomes."
Load More Replies... Funny how vegans are often attacked for being attention seekers but almost every time it's meat eaters who feel deep inside they're morally worse than vegans so they want to punish others for their own feelings.
This woman's attitude is insane. She was obviously waiting for a "gotcha!" moment. But I have to say, I've been "called out" by vegans for the "sin:" of eating animal flesh. It goes both ways, people need to chill and accept that other people choose a diet that seems strange to them. You go eat your leaves and grasses, I'll stick with my steaks.
1. Vegans are not fake, it's the only way planet can survive from global warming perspective alone; 2. i'm not vegan, but my most delicious burger i've ever eaten was at a vegan restaurant; 3. this story is stupid. Same as someone forcing a cake onto diabetic person! Or to bulimic person! Or someone who's trying to go on a diet and has struggles
I don't understand why the other woman cares if her co-worker is vegan or not, why does she make such a big deal of it.
Totally unacceptable behavior of her, trying to trick her into eating something she doesn't agree with. This is targeted bullying, and it is just as bad as the other extreme - vegans and vegetarians trying to push their stuff on others, which is also unacceptable. It is perfectly fine if you are a vegan, vegetarian, pescetarian or whatever, but please keep that part to yourself, eat what pleases you, and mind your own business, and this goes both ways.
Does not matter if you are a vegan, lactose intolerant, have celiac disease, diabetic, fasting, on a diet or some other sht! If you don’t want to eat a fkn cake then no don’t eat a fkn cake! The drama lady probably made a scene because she was trying to get you to eat something she knew you wouldn’t, and got called out for it. Vegan baking is freaking hard and not something you do for the first time overnight.
NTA. Aside from the vegan issue, it strikes me as weird to offer coworkers a bite of food from one's own lunch during the coronavirus pandemic.
There are ONLY 2 A-holes here. Your coworker and your boss and that boss should be reported to HR. How can a person even bake anything but cookies vegan and have it come out right if the recipe calls for eggs or dairy. I'm guessing yeast is allowed since it's not an animal.
When someone tells me they are vegetarian or vegan I just thank them because that means more meat for me :)
LOL. When my mother-in-law couldn't eat some spicy meatballs, I was happy to help. I don't eat much meat, but damn, my brother-in-law is a really good cook!
Load More Replies... Though I do not agree with veganism but I strongly believe in people living the way they want. So you do not have to do something that opposes your believes as long as those believes do not harm anyone like anti-vaxxers do. Definitely NTA. That lady with that princess attitude can kick rocks.
How do you not agree with someone's food choices? That's an odd statement.
Load More Replies... Weirdo. No one is talking about forcing animals to be vegan.
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