“They Want Me To Cancel My Plans And Cook”: Woman Ditches Thanksgiving, Goes To The Beach Instead
Thanksgiving is just around the corner, a time when the whole family will once again gather around a table laden with delicious food, a warm atmosphere, and intimate conversations… Yes, Thanksgiving is coming and at the same time, it’s time for Thanksgiving stories, both funny and sad.
This story, which we’re about to share with you today, told by the user u/Whorible_wife69 in the AITA community on Reddit, is rather sad – although the unequivocal support from people in the comments makes us believe that everything will be fine for the author. At least, Thanksgiving is also about hope.
The author of the post had a longstanding family tradition of cooking a big Thanksgiving dinner for all their relatives
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
The woman always collected money from the relatives and started cooking at the beginning of Thanksgiving week
Image credits: u/Whorible_wife69
However, this year, the author went through a tough time due to separating from her husband, so she just had no interest in cooking
Image credits: Anastasia Shuraeva (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/Whorible_wife69
The woman warned the family members about her decision in advance – but they started getting alarmed only a few days before the holiday
Image credits: Craig Adderley (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/Whorible_wife69
So the author just wants to spend Thanksgiving day at the beach, but hesitates about whether she’s being ‘selfish’
So, the Original Poster (OP), in her own words, is 27 years old, and for the last eight of them, she has always prepared Thanksgiving dinner for her entire extended family. And this is neither more nor less, but 20+ people every year – and almost every time, one of the relatives would bring additional guests.
No, don’t think that the author was deliberately forced by evil relatives! Quite the contrary, the woman herself admits that she always liked to cook, come up with new combinations of tastes and products, buy ingredients in stores – and family members always chipped in money to organize everything. Usually, there were 3 turkeys, 2 party pans of mac and cheese, and a party pan of mashed potatoes – and countless other appetizers to satisfy the tastebuds of all the guests.
The OP always started preparing everything at the beginning of the month. She collected money, went shopping, and then, when Thanksgiving week began, she started cooking. Dish after dish, stage after stage – and by Thursday evening, the house was filled with many delicious smells, which were largely responsible for creating a real festive atmosphere.
Sometimes, one of the guests brought their friends with kids, and then the OP had to make something right in the middle of dinner, but a true home cook, as we know, will not be put off by this. Perhaps the only thing that usually upset the woman was that since her meals were devoured every time, she would never have any leftovers the morning after to make sandwiches…
And now, a new Thanksgiving year is just around the corner, but our heroine, in her own words, has absolutely no interest in doing anything. The reason being that this year, she separated from her husband, with whom she had always shared this pre-holiday bustle. So it turned out that this time the woman decided in advance that, instead of cooking, she would spend the day at the beach. Luckily, she lives in Florida.
So, at the beginning of the month, when her relatives, as usual, began to ask the author how much they should chip in, she immediately wrote them back that she would not be cooking this year. Apparently, these words were not taken seriously because one of her uncles Zelle’d her the usual amount – and was incredibly surprised after getting his Zelle returned to him.
That’s when the relatives got alarmed – and began to massively put pressure on the OP, trying to force her to change her plans. But she remained unconvinced, although she was full of doubts about whether she was doing the right thing. So the woman decided to ask people online for advice and support.
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
“What can I say? Absolutely the right decision. Home cooking – especially on an occasion like a big holiday like Thanksgiving or Christmas – is not just mechanical work, it is akin to art, and for this you need inspiration,” says Roman Sardarian, a chef from Odessa, Ukraine, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment on this case. “And if there is no inspiration, and especially no mental resource to cook, then it is better to transfer this matter to someone else.”
“Of course, in large families, there are long-term traditions when the same person cooks for this or that holiday for years, but there are exceptions to all rules, and this woman did the right thing by warning everyone in advance. If everything goes well next year, then the proper mood for the Thanksgiving cooking will return, but for now, the beach looks like a great option. Especially considering that it’s cold in many other places now,” Roman notes.
Most commenters, of course, supported the original poster in her decision, although they asked for clarification on some aspects of their family tradition. So, it turned out that usually the relatives had a holiday rotation – for example, Christmas is celebrated in one house, Easter in another one, and Thanksgiving was usually the prerogative of the OP’s house.
However, almost all the people in the comments sincerely believe that the author did absolutely the right thing, and that moral support and peace of mind are much more important for her now. As for the relatives, as commenters presume, they should be more mature here. “You’re going through something right now with the separation and the fact that all of these people have somehow started relying on only you to provide the meal is insane,” one of the folks wrote in the comments.
We can only hope that everything in the life of the original poster will soon get better. After all, as we mentioned before, Thanksgiving is not only about gratitude but about hope as well. Don’t you agree with this?
People in the comments, however, unanimously supported the woman, wishing her nothing but the best and good luck
Based on her comments, it seems like she doesn't think she's being used. Her other family members handle other holidays. However, I think she's completely blinded by how walled over she's been. 1. She's been doing this since she was 19 - what, by choice? With no conditioning by family beforehand? Doubtful 2. How tone deaf do fellow adults have to be to not say pause! You're going through something heavy! We're here, you rest. 3. The other hosts of the holidays are women. I'll just say that. Assumptions are made. Work is for her and the others like her.
I agree with Rebel Peewee. Voluntarily doing something that you love to do does not mean you are not being taken advantage of. For anyone else out there who has the "I don't mind doing it because I love it" mentality, you may need to hear this: Your love of doing something can turn into a burdening obligation without you realizing it. Be careful. Take care of yourself. I've been in this situation. If you ever suspect you are being taken advantage of, opt-out ONCE. Give people advanced notice, and see what the response is. If they ignore your warning, pressure you to participate, or get mad at you (like in this story), then you are being used. So many of the comments (including OPs) are focused on the reason she didn't want to cook this year. The reason is irrelevant; she gave them advanced warning that she would not be cooking. They had time to figure it out, and they chose not to. You do not need to justify your reasons for taking care of yourself. Your needs are important too.
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Like I always say, if you want to see some ruckus, cut off some mooches.
No ... She loves doing thanksgiving She just is not in a good place this year She told her family in the beginning of October, they should have been there for her and allow her to grieve I used to host a Mardi Gras party every year and I specifically told people not to bring anything because I knew whatever they would bring wouldn't be in the spirit of Mardi Gras so I understand why she wanted and enjoyed making all the food and enjoying the process She deserves the beach Vacay to sort out her feelings One of those things should be, why was the marriage so short
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OP is definitely not the AH, here. That is an absolutely insane amount of food for one person to cook, especially from scratch, whether they're in the mood or not. Her family could have got together and said "Hey, why don't we all come together and cook HER Thanksgiving dinner this year? She's going through a hard time, let's make her feel loved and welcome and appreciated. One of us could host". Especially her damn mother. Instead, they act like throwing her a few bucks on a cash app entitles them to her services and grumble like a bunch of Muppets. That's family, not your McDonald's.
The thing is, even without money changing hands, if people don't have to contribute, everything they get used to becomes an expectation and people then feel entitled to have it. They feel they deserve it. And that's the moment they become ungrateful. That's why, whatever I do gor others, I always tie them in somehow. I always make demands too. I will never stand in the kitchen alone to cook for everyone whole the others enjoy themselves. Because then they forget you're there and have needs too. I absolutely love cooking. And I love pampering others. But still I never let them get away with leaning back and do nothing but tell me what they want. The only occasions I do it differently is when I give something like that as a gift. But you bet they'll know it's a gift and a one time occasion. Never let people take you for granted.
Sonja, it sounds like you set healthy boundries and recognize your own worth. That's inspiring! I did not do this with my family early on, and then they got mad at me when I finally started setting boundries. I stood my ground and most of them got over it. The ones who could not understand that I have needs too are no longer invited when I host dinners.
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the point that stood out to me the most is that OP would have been 19 when starting doing all the cooking. That's just crazy to me, a lot of responsibility for a teenager even an older one.
A 19 year old is a perfectly capable adult and can absolutely handle the "responsibility" of cooking. The question is why anyone, no matter what age, should shoulder all of it alone.
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And I even don't know how to prepare more than one turkey without having more than one oven... She made her first thanksgiving dinner with 19 years and then every other year. She makes it for her family, relatives and further guests. She is cooking, baking and preparing food for days in her free time after work. And I have not read that even one person of her family ever helped her. And SHE is asking herself if she is the AH? That family should get their s**t together and take some of the burden off her shoulders instead of being a burden.
It's one thing to work your a*s of for family because you want to, it's another when they flat out let you know it's an expectation and f**k your feelings. I used to love doing big barbecues every year for friends and family... but then every time I went to a party as a guest, I was expected to man the grill. I stopped going because I was always staff, never a guest. OP needs to focus on her happiness and let everyone else figure it out. Maybe a year or two of other people doing it will refresh their appreciation.
Sis, I'm with you. Don't feel bad for taking care of yourself. I used to do all the cooking and paid for everything, but was talked about and disrespected. So, I stopped that BS. I couldn't be happier! Do YOU.
Not only the cooking seems severely out of balance, but the 'I demand traditional American food and they revert back to Caribbean roots' kind of tells me much more is going on between these families.
Why hasn't ANYONE addressed the lack of her family addressing her break up with her husband????? Where was family support for that, totally ignored.
How about this year her family treats her to a nice dinner since she is going through some rough times? Make her feel special, loved and cared for?
I DO NOT BLAME HER FOR NOT COOKING DINNER FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE. I WOULD HAVE QUIT COOKING FOR THEM AFTER THE FIRST YEAR.THE PEOPLE WERE USING HER FOR ALL THEY could GET. YOU GO GIRL I WOULD HAVE HIT THE BEACH ALSO. SOUNDS LIKE THOSE PEOPLE NEED TO GET A LIFE.
It's not like there's a secret recipe for roast turkey that the OP is holding out on them. If she died, would they dig her up and prop her up in front of the stove?
Skip it this year. It will make them appreciate you. If you do it in future years, take command of the event. That means no extra people invited without your permission and you decide what leftovers you want before everyone breaks out their containers.
No, they won't appreciate her, they'll be po'd at her. I'd stop this insane nonsense once and for all.
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I'm dumbstruck (almost) that her family is just skipping over the fact that she's recently separated from her husband. And if that weren't enough, they are apparently still newlyweds (she said that she was looking forward to hosting with her husband for the first time). She didn't really have time to "get used to" being married and now it's over. It's not like she saw it coming for a few years. So now she's heartbroken AND in shock. And her family is so tone deaf that none of this occurs to them. Unbelievable.
Instead of pitching in money and still requiring one person to cook for a large crowd, we do the shared responsibility method: "The Host does the Roast, the Guests do the Rest." Whoever is hosting is responsible for the meat/roast, which requires an oven and longer cooking times; prepares the table and house, and supplies the buffet tray setup, i.e. the tray frames and the little burners. Everyone collaborates on all the other components of the meal and splits them between the rest of the guests so that everyone gets to bring something and the host isn't overwhelmed. Guests bring everything in half-tray sized aluminum trays (if there is a lot of something it still gets put into the half sized ones, they can be replenished when needed). We get takeout containers that don't have to be returned, so that at the end of the meal, after the host gets first dibs, everyone can stock up on the leftovers.
Take some time for yourself girl. Your family can feed themselves.
You are NOT AH. Cooking has an energy. If your energy is not right the food won't be either. Last year l was not feeling well. I've been cooking for 40 years. I've never burned dinner. EVER. That year, l burned collard greens, Mac n cheese the easiest stiff to make. I how you have a great, relaxing peaceful day. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
I have a dream of going to a big Thanksgiving and all the MEN cook and clean up. I know this is never going to happen.
I hope people are at least offering to help clean up. Me and my SIL do all the clean up at my MIL/FIL house. Everyone brings a dish and whatever alcohol they want to drink. I don't know how she is doing all of this plus working. My mom and grandmother did all the cooking back in the day and, by the time it was time to sit down, my mother wasn't even hungry anymore
Load More Replies... I want to point out two things that no one appeared to be bothered about: 1. She asked them to go to the store for her and they said that was too much trouble. WTF?!?! It's too much trouble to go to the store for someone who is cooking an ENTIRE Thanksgiving dinner?!?!?! I would have uninvited them at that point. 2. OP said that it's just easier for her to do all the prep and cooking because it takes longer to show them how to do simple things like grating cheese. NO!!!! They are doing that on purpose because they do not want to help. They are intentially making it more difficult when they help, so she won't ask them to help. Now she feels like she has to do everything herself, or it won't get done right. If my disabled neighbor, who is missing an arm, can figure out how to grate cheese, then her AH family can figure it out! This poor girl is in a codependent relationship with her whole family, and she doesn't even realize it.
No way, girl. I drove myself crazy with Thanksgiving for 10 years to the point where I started saying that "It's not Thanksgiving if I'm not crying." Don't kill yourself for anyone.
It sounds like she enjoys doing all the cooking and is particular about what foods get made, which is crazy to me (and I like to cook) because that's a very busy day for one person. Maybe she should hire someone to help, or something on normal years, shed probably enjoy the holiday even more if she didn't spend the whole time babysitting 3 turkeys. that said, she gave everyone a full month to make other plans, and she is not required (no matter how many times she's done it in the past) to cater a full party worth of food. Personally, for me, us all cooking together is part of what makes the holiday fun. But she should definitely have dibs on leftovers if she's cooking the entire meal herself.
No way shape or form, would I hire help to feed this bunch of lazy disrespectful bums.
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YTA---as in You're The ANGEL!!! You've been cooking like this for your entire family since you were 19?!? That in itself is quite the accomplishment. My mom, aunts and grandma always did it all when I was younger. We kids didn't take over until we were in our 30s! It sounds like you've done more than your share by hosting & cooking for the past 8 years straight. If you needed a break this year AND let them know well in advance, your family should understand. Put a note on your door and hit the beach. After ending your marriage, your family should be taking care of YOU for a change. A divorce is like a death, and you grieve at that loss. Don't let anyone guilt you into it. BTW, the NEXT time you agree to cook, tell them that you aren't accepting any uninvited guests. They should be polite enough to ask you AHEAD of time. Also, take a few containers full of leftovers for YOURSELF ahead of time. Either write BOSS on it or put it away in a cooler so you can have leftovers, too!!!
I can't believe her family was being so selfish and insensitive to OP's circumstances. With family like that...who needs enemies?
You'd think that the family would have understood OP'S reason for not having Thanksgiving at her house, and rally around her, but no!! It's the equivalent of an employee suffering a major medical emergency: After the boss hears about it, they say, "Hope you feel better; when are you coming back to work?" Never mind that you're in very bad shape, and recovery is going to take weeks if not months!!
Dear u/Whorible_wife69: I'm sorry for what you are going through. Been there, done that girl. Having gone through separation and eventual divorce at the exact same time of the year is very difficult. Not to mention I also got engaged the Saturday after Thanksgiving so it was a very special time of the year for me. You don't mention whether your family knows about the separation, but I will have to assume they do and I can only say shame on them for even thinking you would change your mind after giving them what seems like plenty of notice to make other plans. You admit you enjoy the prep and cooking, but girl to these people offer to help at all? Do they help with clean up? It sounds like they are very ungrateful, selfish people. Showing up with unexpected guests, taking all the leftovers and leaving you with nothing? That is unbelievable to me. I don't know about you, but I also used to do all the holiday cooking.
So I was never really hungry when it was time to sit down and eat since, I pretty much ate all day tasting everything to make sure it tasted good. I really enjoy a nice turkey w/bacon sandwich after everyone is gone and the house is quiet. But in my case, I wasn't responsible for everything as it seems you are. My siblings, parents, guests all brought something side dish, dessert, etc. and once they arrived always helped in the kitchen if needed. As well as till the last dish was wash dried and put away. If I went into my fridge to find I was left with absolutely nothing I would be pissed. It seems like your family is more concerned about where they are going to eat and having leftovers, rather than being supportive of you and what you're going through. They should be asking what they can do for you, if anything to help you through this difficult time. If it were me I would have cooked my last meal for this group of AH's. Enjoy your day at the beach! You should make it a yearly
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That timed list of chores worried me. Not the actual doing of it, that would make sense, but did you notice that she has precisely 15 minutes to eat her dinner before she has to jump up and get to get the desserts out? That's doing her no good at all. Where's the time to catch her breath and actually enjoy the food? Or is that the, later, 15 minute nap? She told them that she wasn't cooking a month prior to the event, and they chose to blank that from their minds. Tough. Most decidedly NTA
Lovely lady, you deserve a brake. Recharge your batteries at the beach. It may take you a couple of years to start healing from the hurt of the breakup. The rest of the short sided adults will survive. When you are ready to rejoin the family offer to contribute to a potluck, don't fall back into the trap of doing it all. Good luck
Does she rent a hall for all of those people? How would you possibly seat 30 people in an average house?
I'm in a weird situation this year and this one struck a nerve. We have been celebrating with our family on Christmas Eve for 26 years now. We alternate with my BIL and this is his year. Last year we had a big party for the 25th Anniversary of the tradition, live animals, Arizona snowball fight (thanks to Bahama Bucks), live band, dancing. And we didn't this because we knew that The next year (this year) was BIL's. He decided in November he's going out of town and it feels like we have to entertain instead of attending a party and I'm not there. I don't want to let everybody down but it's Dec 3rd and I haven't been inclined to put together an invitation...
There is so much going on here that all I can say is she needs therapy, the sooner the better. Her family has her so twisted in knots she thinks she's an AH for doing what's best for her at a horrible time in her life. Please learn to take care of yourself, or you'll run yourself into the ground trying to please everybody else.
Seems like the family is taking advantage of her. The young lady had surgery 2 weeks prior to TG, and her family still made her cook. If not giving a s**t was a scenario, this would be it. The problem is not just TG, it's all of the other cooking that she is doing throughout the year. She is not a caterer, this young lady has a job, has a husband and cooking not only for her household, but for 10+ other people on the weekend so her family can eat during the week? Just because you love to cook does not mean, you should do it at the expense of your own health. I would not be surprised if her family was a reason for her and her husband's separation.
Could someone please enlighten me as to the meaning of Zelle ? Never heard of it. Is it a real word in the English language ?
I can relate! My husband and I were breaking up and I went on and had Christmas that year. It was horrible. He spent the day in his room talking to his girlfriend and I had to explain things to my family. I never got into the holidays after that. He had the kids or his mom id fr their family to-do. We had a small Christmas at home, but my gifts never matched up to the huge electronic gifts he gave them. I just never felt the urge to throw a big holiday after that. It had lost all the fun. It has been 19 years. \
What makes me really mad is that she asked them to do the grocery shopping and they said it was too much, without thinking that is is just as much for OP. They really need this wakeup call.
Go to the beach and enjoy, no guilt. Been there alhtough my accommodation is small so my guest list was 8 people and I still got asked if they can bring someone else - no chairs (truth). It never ceased to amaze me and when I finally quit this nonsense despite loving THanksgiving and even hosting family dinner, no one else bothered much less invited me.
NTA, not at all! When my friends and I used to do Thanksgiving at my apartment (I had a large table and lots of dishes), we would order a cooked turkey and everyone would pot luck the sides. We were usually about 10-14 people and everything was shared, including the clean up. We were all middle aged professionals without kids, but people were welcome to bring their dogs, as they all knew each other anyway.
A separation can feel like a death. OP is grieving. She is so emotionally exhausted and grief-ridden, she doesn't understand how much she has over-extended herself for her family and how short-changed she is in return. As she works through her grief, I hope she starts to see more clearly.
When I was growing up either my parents or a aunt would host Thanksgiving. All the adult women would do the cooking. They shared all the cooking.
Based on her comments, it seems like she doesn't think she's being used. Her other family members handle other holidays. However, I think she's completely blinded by how walled over she's been. 1. She's been doing this since she was 19 - what, by choice? With no conditioning by family beforehand? Doubtful 2. How tone deaf do fellow adults have to be to not say pause! You're going through something heavy! We're here, you rest. 3. The other hosts of the holidays are women. I'll just say that. Assumptions are made. Work is for her and the others like her.
I agree with Rebel Peewee. Voluntarily doing something that you love to do does not mean you are not being taken advantage of. For anyone else out there who has the "I don't mind doing it because I love it" mentality, you may need to hear this: Your love of doing something can turn into a burdening obligation without you realizing it. Be careful. Take care of yourself. I've been in this situation. If you ever suspect you are being taken advantage of, opt-out ONCE. Give people advanced notice, and see what the response is. If they ignore your warning, pressure you to participate, or get mad at you (like in this story), then you are being used. So many of the comments (including OPs) are focused on the reason she didn't want to cook this year. The reason is irrelevant; she gave them advanced warning that she would not be cooking. They had time to figure it out, and they chose not to. You do not need to justify your reasons for taking care of yourself. Your needs are important too.
Load More Replies... Like I always say, if you want to see some ruckus, cut off some mooches.
No ... She loves doing thanksgiving She just is not in a good place this year She told her family in the beginning of October, they should have been there for her and allow her to grieve I used to host a Mardi Gras party every year and I specifically told people not to bring anything because I knew whatever they would bring wouldn't be in the spirit of Mardi Gras so I understand why she wanted and enjoyed making all the food and enjoying the process She deserves the beach Vacay to sort out her feelings One of those things should be, why was the marriage so short
Load More Replies... OP is definitely not the AH, here. That is an absolutely insane amount of food for one person to cook, especially from scratch, whether they're in the mood or not. Her family could have got together and said "Hey, why don't we all come together and cook HER Thanksgiving dinner this year? She's going through a hard time, let's make her feel loved and welcome and appreciated. One of us could host". Especially her damn mother. Instead, they act like throwing her a few bucks on a cash app entitles them to her services and grumble like a bunch of Muppets. That's family, not your McDonald's.
The thing is, even without money changing hands, if people don't have to contribute, everything they get used to becomes an expectation and people then feel entitled to have it. They feel they deserve it. And that's the moment they become ungrateful. That's why, whatever I do gor others, I always tie them in somehow. I always make demands too. I will never stand in the kitchen alone to cook for everyone whole the others enjoy themselves. Because then they forget you're there and have needs too. I absolutely love cooking. And I love pampering others. But still I never let them get away with leaning back and do nothing but tell me what they want. The only occasions I do it differently is when I give something like that as a gift. But you bet they'll know it's a gift and a one time occasion. Never let people take you for granted.
Sonja, it sounds like you set healthy boundries and recognize your own worth. That's inspiring! I did not do this with my family early on, and then they got mad at me when I finally started setting boundries. I stood my ground and most of them got over it. The ones who could not understand that I have needs too are no longer invited when I host dinners.
Load More Replies... the point that stood out to me the most is that OP would have been 19 when starting doing all the cooking. That's just crazy to me, a lot of responsibility for a teenager even an older one.
A 19 year old is a perfectly capable adult and can absolutely handle the "responsibility" of cooking. The question is why anyone, no matter what age, should shoulder all of it alone.
Load More Replies... And I even don't know how to prepare more than one turkey without having more than one oven... She made her first thanksgiving dinner with 19 years and then every other year. She makes it for her family, relatives and further guests. She is cooking, baking and preparing food for days in her free time after work. And I have not read that even one person of her family ever helped her. And SHE is asking herself if she is the AH? That family should get their s**t together and take some of the burden off her shoulders instead of being a burden.
It's one thing to work your a*s of for family because you want to, it's another when they flat out let you know it's an expectation and f**k your feelings. I used to love doing big barbecues every year for friends and family... but then every time I went to a party as a guest, I was expected to man the grill. I stopped going because I was always staff, never a guest. OP needs to focus on her happiness and let everyone else figure it out. Maybe a year or two of other people doing it will refresh their appreciation.
Sis, I'm with you. Don't feel bad for taking care of yourself. I used to do all the cooking and paid for everything, but was talked about and disrespected. So, I stopped that BS. I couldn't be happier! Do YOU.
Not only the cooking seems severely out of balance, but the 'I demand traditional American food and they revert back to Caribbean roots' kind of tells me much more is going on between these families.
Why hasn't ANYONE addressed the lack of her family addressing her break up with her husband????? Where was family support for that, totally ignored.
How about this year her family treats her to a nice dinner since she is going through some rough times? Make her feel special, loved and cared for?
I DO NOT BLAME HER FOR NOT COOKING DINNER FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE. I WOULD HAVE QUIT COOKING FOR THEM AFTER THE FIRST YEAR.THE PEOPLE WERE USING HER FOR ALL THEY could GET. YOU GO GIRL I WOULD HAVE HIT THE BEACH ALSO. SOUNDS LIKE THOSE PEOPLE NEED TO GET A LIFE.
It's not like there's a secret recipe for roast turkey that the OP is holding out on them. If she died, would they dig her up and prop her up in front of the stove?
Skip it this year. It will make them appreciate you. If you do it in future years, take command of the event. That means no extra people invited without your permission and you decide what leftovers you want before everyone breaks out their containers.
No, they won't appreciate her, they'll be po'd at her. I'd stop this insane nonsense once and for all.
Load More Replies... I'm dumbstruck (almost) that her family is just skipping over the fact that she's recently separated from her husband. And if that weren't enough, they are apparently still newlyweds (she said that she was looking forward to hosting with her husband for the first time). She didn't really have time to "get used to" being married and now it's over. It's not like she saw it coming for a few years. So now she's heartbroken AND in shock. And her family is so tone deaf that none of this occurs to them. Unbelievable.
Instead of pitching in money and still requiring one person to cook for a large crowd, we do the shared responsibility method: "The Host does the Roast, the Guests do the Rest." Whoever is hosting is responsible for the meat/roast, which requires an oven and longer cooking times; prepares the table and house, and supplies the buffet tray setup, i.e. the tray frames and the little burners. Everyone collaborates on all the other components of the meal and splits them between the rest of the guests so that everyone gets to bring something and the host isn't overwhelmed. Guests bring everything in half-tray sized aluminum trays (if there is a lot of something it still gets put into the half sized ones, they can be replenished when needed). We get takeout containers that don't have to be returned, so that at the end of the meal, after the host gets first dibs, everyone can stock up on the leftovers.
Take some time for yourself girl. Your family can feed themselves.
You are NOT AH. Cooking has an energy. If your energy is not right the food won't be either. Last year l was not feeling well. I've been cooking for 40 years. I've never burned dinner. EVER. That year, l burned collard greens, Mac n cheese the easiest stiff to make. I how you have a great, relaxing peaceful day. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
I have a dream of going to a big Thanksgiving and all the MEN cook and clean up. I know this is never going to happen.
I hope people are at least offering to help clean up. Me and my SIL do all the clean up at my MIL/FIL house. Everyone brings a dish and whatever alcohol they want to drink. I don't know how she is doing all of this plus working. My mom and grandmother did all the cooking back in the day and, by the time it was time to sit down, my mother wasn't even hungry anymore
Load More Replies... I want to point out two things that no one appeared to be bothered about: 1. She asked them to go to the store for her and they said that was too much trouble. WTF?!?! It's too much trouble to go to the store for someone who is cooking an ENTIRE Thanksgiving dinner?!?!?! I would have uninvited them at that point. 2. OP said that it's just easier for her to do all the prep and cooking because it takes longer to show them how to do simple things like grating cheese. NO!!!! They are doing that on purpose because they do not want to help. They are intentially making it more difficult when they help, so she won't ask them to help. Now she feels like she has to do everything herself, or it won't get done right. If my disabled neighbor, who is missing an arm, can figure out how to grate cheese, then her AH family can figure it out! This poor girl is in a codependent relationship with her whole family, and she doesn't even realize it.
No way, girl. I drove myself crazy with Thanksgiving for 10 years to the point where I started saying that "It's not Thanksgiving if I'm not crying." Don't kill yourself for anyone.
It sounds like she enjoys doing all the cooking and is particular about what foods get made, which is crazy to me (and I like to cook) because that's a very busy day for one person. Maybe she should hire someone to help, or something on normal years, shed probably enjoy the holiday even more if she didn't spend the whole time babysitting 3 turkeys. that said, she gave everyone a full month to make other plans, and she is not required (no matter how many times she's done it in the past) to cater a full party worth of food. Personally, for me, us all cooking together is part of what makes the holiday fun. But she should definitely have dibs on leftovers if she's cooking the entire meal herself.
No way shape or form, would I hire help to feed this bunch of lazy disrespectful bums.
Load More Replies... YTA---as in You're The ANGEL!!! You've been cooking like this for your entire family since you were 19?!? That in itself is quite the accomplishment. My mom, aunts and grandma always did it all when I was younger. We kids didn't take over until we were in our 30s! It sounds like you've done more than your share by hosting & cooking for the past 8 years straight. If you needed a break this year AND let them know well in advance, your family should understand. Put a note on your door and hit the beach. After ending your marriage, your family should be taking care of YOU for a change. A divorce is like a death, and you grieve at that loss. Don't let anyone guilt you into it. BTW, the NEXT time you agree to cook, tell them that you aren't accepting any uninvited guests. They should be polite enough to ask you AHEAD of time. Also, take a few containers full of leftovers for YOURSELF ahead of time. Either write BOSS on it or put it away in a cooler so you can have leftovers, too!!!
I can't believe her family was being so selfish and insensitive to OP's circumstances. With family like that...who needs enemies?
You'd think that the family would have understood OP'S reason for not having Thanksgiving at her house, and rally around her, but no!! It's the equivalent of an employee suffering a major medical emergency: After the boss hears about it, they say, "Hope you feel better; when are you coming back to work?" Never mind that you're in very bad shape, and recovery is going to take weeks if not months!!
Dear u/Whorible_wife69: I'm sorry for what you are going through. Been there, done that girl. Having gone through separation and eventual divorce at the exact same time of the year is very difficult. Not to mention I also got engaged the Saturday after Thanksgiving so it was a very special time of the year for me. You don't mention whether your family knows about the separation, but I will have to assume they do and I can only say shame on them for even thinking you would change your mind after giving them what seems like plenty of notice to make other plans. You admit you enjoy the prep and cooking, but girl to these people offer to help at all? Do they help with clean up? It sounds like they are very ungrateful, selfish people. Showing up with unexpected guests, taking all the leftovers and leaving you with nothing? That is unbelievable to me. I don't know about you, but I also used to do all the holiday cooking.
So I was never really hungry when it was time to sit down and eat since, I pretty much ate all day tasting everything to make sure it tasted good. I really enjoy a nice turkey w/bacon sandwich after everyone is gone and the house is quiet. But in my case, I wasn't responsible for everything as it seems you are. My siblings, parents, guests all brought something side dish, dessert, etc. and once they arrived always helped in the kitchen if needed. As well as till the last dish was wash dried and put away. If I went into my fridge to find I was left with absolutely nothing I would be pissed. It seems like your family is more concerned about where they are going to eat and having leftovers, rather than being supportive of you and what you're going through. They should be asking what they can do for you, if anything to help you through this difficult time. If it were me I would have cooked my last meal for this group of AH's. Enjoy your day at the beach! You should make it a yearly
Load More Replies... That timed list of chores worried me. Not the actual doing of it, that would make sense, but did you notice that she has precisely 15 minutes to eat her dinner before she has to jump up and get to get the desserts out? That's doing her no good at all. Where's the time to catch her breath and actually enjoy the food? Or is that the, later, 15 minute nap? She told them that she wasn't cooking a month prior to the event, and they chose to blank that from their minds. Tough. Most decidedly NTA
Lovely lady, you deserve a brake. Recharge your batteries at the beach. It may take you a couple of years to start healing from the hurt of the breakup. The rest of the short sided adults will survive. When you are ready to rejoin the family offer to contribute to a potluck, don't fall back into the trap of doing it all. Good luck
Does she rent a hall for all of those people? How would you possibly seat 30 people in an average house?
I'm in a weird situation this year and this one struck a nerve. We have been celebrating with our family on Christmas Eve for 26 years now. We alternate with my BIL and this is his year. Last year we had a big party for the 25th Anniversary of the tradition, live animals, Arizona snowball fight (thanks to Bahama Bucks), live band, dancing. And we didn't this because we knew that The next year (this year) was BIL's. He decided in November he's going out of town and it feels like we have to entertain instead of attending a party and I'm not there. I don't want to let everybody down but it's Dec 3rd and I haven't been inclined to put together an invitation...
There is so much going on here that all I can say is she needs therapy, the sooner the better. Her family has her so twisted in knots she thinks she's an AH for doing what's best for her at a horrible time in her life. Please learn to take care of yourself, or you'll run yourself into the ground trying to please everybody else.
Seems like the family is taking advantage of her. The young lady had surgery 2 weeks prior to TG, and her family still made her cook. If not giving a s**t was a scenario, this would be it. The problem is not just TG, it's all of the other cooking that she is doing throughout the year. She is not a caterer, this young lady has a job, has a husband and cooking not only for her household, but for 10+ other people on the weekend so her family can eat during the week? Just because you love to cook does not mean, you should do it at the expense of your own health. I would not be surprised if her family was a reason for her and her husband's separation.
Could someone please enlighten me as to the meaning of Zelle ? Never heard of it. Is it a real word in the English language ?
I can relate! My husband and I were breaking up and I went on and had Christmas that year. It was horrible. He spent the day in his room talking to his girlfriend and I had to explain things to my family. I never got into the holidays after that. He had the kids or his mom id fr their family to-do. We had a small Christmas at home, but my gifts never matched up to the huge electronic gifts he gave them. I just never felt the urge to throw a big holiday after that. It had lost all the fun. It has been 19 years. \
What makes me really mad is that she asked them to do the grocery shopping and they said it was too much, without thinking that is is just as much for OP. They really need this wakeup call.
Go to the beach and enjoy, no guilt. Been there alhtough my accommodation is small so my guest list was 8 people and I still got asked if they can bring someone else - no chairs (truth). It never ceased to amaze me and when I finally quit this nonsense despite loving THanksgiving and even hosting family dinner, no one else bothered much less invited me.
NTA, not at all! When my friends and I used to do Thanksgiving at my apartment (I had a large table and lots of dishes), we would order a cooked turkey and everyone would pot luck the sides. We were usually about 10-14 people and everything was shared, including the clean up. We were all middle aged professionals without kids, but people were welcome to bring their dogs, as they all knew each other anyway.
A separation can feel like a death. OP is grieving. She is so emotionally exhausted and grief-ridden, she doesn't understand how much she has over-extended herself for her family and how short-changed she is in return. As she works through her grief, I hope she starts to see more clearly.
When I was growing up either my parents or a aunt would host Thanksgiving. All the adult women would do the cooking. They shared all the cooking.
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