Mom Tells The Truth To Her 4.5-Year-Old Son About How Babies Are Born, Gets Called Out By Her Boyfriend
It’s important for children to feel OK about coming to their parents for reliable information. So when Reddit user u/sprinkle862910‘s son asked her where do babies really come from, she gave him an honest, age-appropriate answer. Or so she thought.
After the woman told her boyfriend about the conversation she had with her boy, the man immediately gave her the cold shoulder, saying the way she handled the situation was “weird.”
Lost and confused, u/sprinkle862910 turned to the subreddit Am I The A**hole, asking other people to share their thoughts on her parenting style. Here’s what she wrote.
Image credits: Halfpoint (not the actual photo)
According to experts, it’s natural for a child to be curious. So if they ask you “Where do babies come from?” and you are caught off guard, take a few minutes to compose yourself. You don’t have to answer immediately — find a place where you and your child can sit comfortably without making it a big deal.
Diana Divecha, Ph.D., who is a Berkeley-based developmental psychologist, focusing on the science of how children, teens, and families grow and develop, pointed out that different cultures have different norms about this topic and families get to choose how to handle these matters as they see fit. “My preference, however, from a western psychological perspective, is to convey accurate information to a child in a developmentally appropriate way, using words and concepts they can understand,” Divecha told Bored Panda.
The psychologist said that one of our roles as caregivers is to help a child build an accurate understanding of life. “Sowing confusion or inaccuracy for a child can derail their knowledge formation. Children eventually have to sort out the truth, so it’s just more efficient use of their mental resources to build an accurate model of life from the beginning rather than to have to backtrack and revise,” Divecha explained, adding that misleading a child can undermine their trust in you as a reliable resource. “It can also signal to them that lying or evading in a relationship is okay. It’s important, especially later when it comes to riskier topics, that trust remains at the core of your relationship with your child.”
Since the question of where do babies come from usually comes up in early childhood (at three, four, or five years), remember that children at this age are like little scientists. “They want to know how the world works, and they ask questions all the time in order to find out. They are interested in what they see around them, but also the big philosophical questions of life: where does life come from, what is death, what are bodily functions, and what is fair,” Dicecha said. “It’s best if we can answer those questions as accurately as we can, as often as we can, for their knowledge to progress.”
But learning happens in a spiral way as their cognitive development allows, the psychologist said. That means “a child can only understand the most basic part of a concept, but as their cognition becomes more sophisticated, they can layer in another incremental round of complexity.”
So even though we adults might have very complicated notions about sexuality, a four-year-old doesn’t. They just need the basics, so it’s best to use short, direct answers and choose words that are in line with their understanding of the world. Words they already use and understand. “A common mistake that adults make is approaching an answer with too many ideas, too many words, and too many agendas. Simple is best,” Divecha said.
To determine what a child already knows and what they want to know, she suggests a simple question like, “Do you have an idea about it?” or “What do you think?”
Their answer will give you an idea of where you need to start. “Listen carefully to what they say and what they really seem to be wanting to know. Then try to answer just their question and no more. You can follow up your answer with, ‘Do you have another question for me?’ And again, ‘Is there anything else you’d like to know?’ Or, ‘Are you curious about anything else?'”
“You’ll know when they’ve taken in all they can handle for now when they change the topic or run off to play; they’ve had enough.”
Divecha said such a conversation might look something like this:
“Where do babies come from?”
“In humans, babies grow in a part of the tummy called the womb (or uterus).”
“How do they get there?”
“It takes two parts to make a baby, an ovum and a sperm. When they join, a baby starts to grow.”
“How do they join?”
“The sperm grows in someone with testes, and the ovum grows in someone with a uterus. When people decide they want to have a baby, there’s a way to join the sperm and the ovum. Then the baby starts growing in the uterus, and they come out after a while when they’re ready.”
And so on.
“This kind of conversation attempts to stick to the facts, and it leaves open the varied ways that babies can be conceived,” Divecha explained. “If the questions continue, rather than generalizing, a caregiver can shift to how their child was conceived: sex, in-vitro, adoption, etc., perhaps with an emphasis on loving a child into being.”
Keep in mind that using the wrong words or phrases can sometimes scare a child. If they ask, for example, how the baby comes out and you explain a cesarean section with the words ‘cut out,’ it’s possible that the child will be alarmed.
Also, avoid euphemisms—it creates confusion. “Words like ‘seeds’ can create an image of an apple or watermelon seed growing inside a person. A phrase like ‘a special kind of hug’ for sex, could make a child afraid to hug someone lest they start growing a baby. Try to be accurate,” Divecha suggested. “Take care to manage your own emotions. Children are emotional Geiger counters and will pick up on the feelings you leak more than on the content of what you’re saying. Take a moment before you begin the conversation to breathe, center yourself, regulate your feelings, and tune into your child’s feelings. Try to bring calm energy and a matter-of-fact style.”
But according to Divecha, this is just the beginning of longer conversations you will have in the future. “Later, you can layer in other ‘learning moments’ where, for example, you two notice the reproduction and growth of plants or of other animals, or you read some books together about where babies come from and how they grow. Young children are especially interested in their own origin story, so over time, you might think about how you want to tell that story. This will become a part of a child’s ‘autobiographical narrative,’ or their own understanding of themselves.”
It’s OK if you find these conversations awkward or uncomfortable. They’re hard, especially at the beginning. But they definitely aren’t inappropriate.
People thought the boyfriend was out of his depth
Funny how the person who is NOT yet a parent thinks he knows best. There is absolutely nothing wrong with teaching our children the truth about these things
That was exactly my thought. If he has no experience parenting he could at least trust she knows how to treat her child.
Load More Replies...She was right, I mean, the kid is old enough to notice Mom's tummy getting bigger and bigger, and then smaller again when the baby sibling arrives. Gotta explain that in an age-appropriate way, you know? Pity the boyfriend was a d**k about it.
Plus: Mommy will loose mobility and maybe not be allowed to pick him up anymore. Or he might notice her being sick.
Load More Replies...so you disagree on something, and now somebody needs to be voted asshole?
Not sure why but something tells me the BF still uses terms like "pee-pees" & "wee-wees"....
I'm the "Baby" of 10 (I assume b/c there was no internet or cable back then...). I have 20+ nephews/nieces and they now have kids of their own. One compliment I received from all of them at one time or another was "You never talked 'down' to me a kid. You treated me with respect even when I was very young". Trust me...kids are smarter than most adults give them credit for.
I never understood not telling your kids the truth about how child birth, sex, or pregnancy. It is all a part of life. If you act weird about it you are making it weird. Like acting strange when your kid asks you why the sky is blue. There is nothing inherently inappropriate about sex, pregnancy, of childbirth. Just give straight forward answers and you kid will have a far healthier relationship with these things when they grow up.
The real question here is why you two haven't discussed raising a child. That's to be at the forefront. You told YOUR child (regardless of who the boy calls dad, you still have a child) something and for future reference, what will you two agree to on parenting? It's actually the focal point.
I'm kinda sorry fot that woman tho, she is already divorced and her new partner seem to be at least a bit dumb.. Seems like she doesn't have much luck with partners. I hope that man gets better tho, learns to be better father
When I was 3, I asked Mama "Where do babies come from?" She gave a long, detailed explanation, then I said "But what I really want to know, is what makes windshield wipers go back and forth?"
Some nice comments here, but IMHO it could be put in a one, simple sentence: DON'T LIE TO YOUR CHILDREN.
Definitely NTA, people need to learn about their bodies and the opposite gender. You don't know how many grown ass men think women urinate out their vaginas!
Nta. Its completely ok if your child asks how a baby is born. His father is the idiot for volunteering to lie to the poor kid that maybe he would have said "the mommy drinks a magical potion made from unicorns and the baby is gone from her belly, and then a stork brings the baby to the mommy!" Yea no
A lot of person (expecially a lot of men) need to grow up, sex is not gross, vagina is not a bad word, explaining to a kid in basic ways how things work is really good for them, I still (at 30yo) remember being affraid of birth things when I was very young because I thought the baby has to create is own hole/gap to get out, all that because my parents were very prudish and never explain things properly.
She actually failed to point out how good her response was for being simple. Too many parents panic and think they have to have a detailed discussion with the child about the facts of life, but you can just keep it simple. "the baby grows in the tummy then comes out"... then the kid say "Ok", and moves on. No need to discuss how the baby gets there if the kid doesn't ask.
Giving birth is a natural thing. Letting the kid know how babies are born is a natural thing. Would it be better to tell the kid that babies come from storks, or explode from rocks? I told my kids about their birth stories (obviously not in great detail) even when they were younger than OP's kid. It's good to normalise these things so kids aren't shocked when they grow up (um, like OP's bf)
Men hate hearing about the truth behind pregnancy and childbirth. most children don't actually care, especially when they're very small
ESH. He's a sulky baby that needs to learn how to have proper conversations and not shut down when it gets hard. She's not much better getting all butt hurt over a simple disagreement. He didn't shout or argue, just said he didn't agree with her way of dealing with it. Those poor kids need better role models 🙄
NTA. I told my daughter when she first asked. She was not impressed lol and said "that's wrong", mind you she was 4. Now if she tells me "that's gross" about something completely not related I tell her, "you remember you came out of my vagina, right?".
They also know the word vagina and penis are not bad words, just body parts.
Load More Replies...Ok, this was different than what I had expected at first, and totally positive and fine. What I heard before from a mom at work bothered me alot more: she explained everything to her kids, like 6-7 year old, who then went to the playground telling the child-friend stuff like “and when we want babies you have to stick your part in me” And somehow that did disturb me when I heard about it.
My neighbor gave birth to all three of her kids in their wading pool in their living room. That was weird.
This is actually inductive of a much larger problem. We've socially normalized lying to children because it's cute and we don't like talking about these things. The problem is that this line of reasoning is extremely toxic. Children are still forming how they see the world, and every time we lie we screw up that view. Willingness to accept these lies despite all evidence makes them prone to radicalization later. If you teach children facts, they will understand what the word "truth" actually means. When you tell them stories, tell them they are stories. And yes, I include Santa and the Easter Bunny here. Creepy people and humanoids breaking into my house at night? No thank you.
They never really address the stated AITA question, though. I'd say NTA for feeling upset, but don't shut the conversation down. This guy is going to be the father of your new baby. You need to have conversations about how you deal with all kinds of parenting situations, including this one. Step back from feeling judged, see that he is really uncomfortable with questions like that from children, and talk about why you answered like you did and why it's important. And don't let him get away with that "I just won't share my opinion" crap. If he's going to be a dad he needs to step up and engage in these conversations with you, especially when you try disagree.
You're never too young to learn science. I'm more concerned with how immature the bf's response is. "Well, fine, I just won't give you my opinion anymore" is okay ... for a coworker or acquaintance. Not for a spouse or SO. There's more to this than what's written, but I'm sensing some red flags.
Yes I'd rather my kids had knowledge than lies. I think them knowing the truth makes them trust you more. It also helps them make informed discussion as they get older.
The mystery is why to post this "question". She divorced the father of this boy for a reason, that that manchild is a confused bunny about parenting now should warrant at most a shrug.
NTA you child asked and you explained it in a very age appropriate way. This is good as it will nurture him asking things in the future. I worry about the BF reacting that way. When I was little my aunt was (still is) a Neo-natal nurse and she had gotten her hands on that famous 70's or 80's video "the miracle of birth" anyone remember that gem? That's how I learned. Super dated now but still super cool how it was done. I wonder if they've ever re done it with the new technology?
How was she ‘called out’ by her boyfriend? Called out implies she was wrong and she wasn’t in this case. The title should be: woman tells son the truth about childbirth, boyfriend is called out.
Like Marie Gomez, my parents were always of the opinion of old enough to ask, old enough to know in an age appropriate way. If they're asking it means they're thinking about it. I asked when I was about 5 1/2 years old. I remember Mom bringing a book home that explained it at an age appropriate level. However, the next Sunday while getting ready for church apparently I got a little ahead of things when I marched into my parent's bedroom where Mom was getting ready and put my hands on my hips (as I frequently did when asking/saying something I thought was very important) and asked the following: "How come Mary didn't have to have a "squirm?" Thanks for explaining where babies come from, but would you mind explaining the whole immaculate conception thing? After all, old enough to ask, old enough to know!
Wasn’t the point of the AITA question whether he should have expressed his opinion or kept his mouth shut, rather than whether his opinion was right or not?
she doesn't suck for checking with other people just to make sure she didn't overeact to this. a reality check can be a helpful thing
Load More Replies...Blame the fathers then for not being good enough. People can hide who they are and it comes out later
Load More Replies...Even if it is "explicit" it's the natural way of things. Hiding that information has no plausible benefits to the child. You don't necessarily need to give a complete beginning-to-end explanation of the entire process, just important generalities. If they have the maturity to ask further questions, answer those too. Let the child decide what they are old enough to understand. If they can't comprehend what you're saying, they'll give up and try again at some later date.
Load More Replies...Funny how the person who is NOT yet a parent thinks he knows best. There is absolutely nothing wrong with teaching our children the truth about these things
That was exactly my thought. If he has no experience parenting he could at least trust she knows how to treat her child.
Load More Replies...She was right, I mean, the kid is old enough to notice Mom's tummy getting bigger and bigger, and then smaller again when the baby sibling arrives. Gotta explain that in an age-appropriate way, you know? Pity the boyfriend was a d**k about it.
Plus: Mommy will loose mobility and maybe not be allowed to pick him up anymore. Or he might notice her being sick.
Load More Replies...so you disagree on something, and now somebody needs to be voted asshole?
Not sure why but something tells me the BF still uses terms like "pee-pees" & "wee-wees"....
I'm the "Baby" of 10 (I assume b/c there was no internet or cable back then...). I have 20+ nephews/nieces and they now have kids of their own. One compliment I received from all of them at one time or another was "You never talked 'down' to me a kid. You treated me with respect even when I was very young". Trust me...kids are smarter than most adults give them credit for.
I never understood not telling your kids the truth about how child birth, sex, or pregnancy. It is all a part of life. If you act weird about it you are making it weird. Like acting strange when your kid asks you why the sky is blue. There is nothing inherently inappropriate about sex, pregnancy, of childbirth. Just give straight forward answers and you kid will have a far healthier relationship with these things when they grow up.
The real question here is why you two haven't discussed raising a child. That's to be at the forefront. You told YOUR child (regardless of who the boy calls dad, you still have a child) something and for future reference, what will you two agree to on parenting? It's actually the focal point.
I'm kinda sorry fot that woman tho, she is already divorced and her new partner seem to be at least a bit dumb.. Seems like she doesn't have much luck with partners. I hope that man gets better tho, learns to be better father
When I was 3, I asked Mama "Where do babies come from?" She gave a long, detailed explanation, then I said "But what I really want to know, is what makes windshield wipers go back and forth?"
Some nice comments here, but IMHO it could be put in a one, simple sentence: DON'T LIE TO YOUR CHILDREN.
Definitely NTA, people need to learn about their bodies and the opposite gender. You don't know how many grown ass men think women urinate out their vaginas!
Nta. Its completely ok if your child asks how a baby is born. His father is the idiot for volunteering to lie to the poor kid that maybe he would have said "the mommy drinks a magical potion made from unicorns and the baby is gone from her belly, and then a stork brings the baby to the mommy!" Yea no
A lot of person (expecially a lot of men) need to grow up, sex is not gross, vagina is not a bad word, explaining to a kid in basic ways how things work is really good for them, I still (at 30yo) remember being affraid of birth things when I was very young because I thought the baby has to create is own hole/gap to get out, all that because my parents were very prudish and never explain things properly.
She actually failed to point out how good her response was for being simple. Too many parents panic and think they have to have a detailed discussion with the child about the facts of life, but you can just keep it simple. "the baby grows in the tummy then comes out"... then the kid say "Ok", and moves on. No need to discuss how the baby gets there if the kid doesn't ask.
Giving birth is a natural thing. Letting the kid know how babies are born is a natural thing. Would it be better to tell the kid that babies come from storks, or explode from rocks? I told my kids about their birth stories (obviously not in great detail) even when they were younger than OP's kid. It's good to normalise these things so kids aren't shocked when they grow up (um, like OP's bf)
Men hate hearing about the truth behind pregnancy and childbirth. most children don't actually care, especially when they're very small
ESH. He's a sulky baby that needs to learn how to have proper conversations and not shut down when it gets hard. She's not much better getting all butt hurt over a simple disagreement. He didn't shout or argue, just said he didn't agree with her way of dealing with it. Those poor kids need better role models 🙄
NTA. I told my daughter when she first asked. She was not impressed lol and said "that's wrong", mind you she was 4. Now if she tells me "that's gross" about something completely not related I tell her, "you remember you came out of my vagina, right?".
They also know the word vagina and penis are not bad words, just body parts.
Load More Replies...Ok, this was different than what I had expected at first, and totally positive and fine. What I heard before from a mom at work bothered me alot more: she explained everything to her kids, like 6-7 year old, who then went to the playground telling the child-friend stuff like “and when we want babies you have to stick your part in me” And somehow that did disturb me when I heard about it.
My neighbor gave birth to all three of her kids in their wading pool in their living room. That was weird.
This is actually inductive of a much larger problem. We've socially normalized lying to children because it's cute and we don't like talking about these things. The problem is that this line of reasoning is extremely toxic. Children are still forming how they see the world, and every time we lie we screw up that view. Willingness to accept these lies despite all evidence makes them prone to radicalization later. If you teach children facts, they will understand what the word "truth" actually means. When you tell them stories, tell them they are stories. And yes, I include Santa and the Easter Bunny here. Creepy people and humanoids breaking into my house at night? No thank you.
They never really address the stated AITA question, though. I'd say NTA for feeling upset, but don't shut the conversation down. This guy is going to be the father of your new baby. You need to have conversations about how you deal with all kinds of parenting situations, including this one. Step back from feeling judged, see that he is really uncomfortable with questions like that from children, and talk about why you answered like you did and why it's important. And don't let him get away with that "I just won't share my opinion" crap. If he's going to be a dad he needs to step up and engage in these conversations with you, especially when you try disagree.
You're never too young to learn science. I'm more concerned with how immature the bf's response is. "Well, fine, I just won't give you my opinion anymore" is okay ... for a coworker or acquaintance. Not for a spouse or SO. There's more to this than what's written, but I'm sensing some red flags.
Yes I'd rather my kids had knowledge than lies. I think them knowing the truth makes them trust you more. It also helps them make informed discussion as they get older.
The mystery is why to post this "question". She divorced the father of this boy for a reason, that that manchild is a confused bunny about parenting now should warrant at most a shrug.
NTA you child asked and you explained it in a very age appropriate way. This is good as it will nurture him asking things in the future. I worry about the BF reacting that way. When I was little my aunt was (still is) a Neo-natal nurse and she had gotten her hands on that famous 70's or 80's video "the miracle of birth" anyone remember that gem? That's how I learned. Super dated now but still super cool how it was done. I wonder if they've ever re done it with the new technology?
How was she ‘called out’ by her boyfriend? Called out implies she was wrong and she wasn’t in this case. The title should be: woman tells son the truth about childbirth, boyfriend is called out.
Like Marie Gomez, my parents were always of the opinion of old enough to ask, old enough to know in an age appropriate way. If they're asking it means they're thinking about it. I asked when I was about 5 1/2 years old. I remember Mom bringing a book home that explained it at an age appropriate level. However, the next Sunday while getting ready for church apparently I got a little ahead of things when I marched into my parent's bedroom where Mom was getting ready and put my hands on my hips (as I frequently did when asking/saying something I thought was very important) and asked the following: "How come Mary didn't have to have a "squirm?" Thanks for explaining where babies come from, but would you mind explaining the whole immaculate conception thing? After all, old enough to ask, old enough to know!
Wasn’t the point of the AITA question whether he should have expressed his opinion or kept his mouth shut, rather than whether his opinion was right or not?
she doesn't suck for checking with other people just to make sure she didn't overeact to this. a reality check can be a helpful thing
Load More Replies...Blame the fathers then for not being good enough. People can hide who they are and it comes out later
Load More Replies...Even if it is "explicit" it's the natural way of things. Hiding that information has no plausible benefits to the child. You don't necessarily need to give a complete beginning-to-end explanation of the entire process, just important generalities. If they have the maturity to ask further questions, answer those too. Let the child decide what they are old enough to understand. If they can't comprehend what you're saying, they'll give up and try again at some later date.
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