Family Drama Ensues After New Mom Decides To Work From Her Office And Leaves Jobless Husband To Take Care Of The Baby
Creative people definitely change the world for the better. In fact, just remember what positive emotions you experienced the last time you watched a popular series or movie, looked at a famous painting, or read an outstanding book. Yes, creativity is incredibly cool, it needs to be supported as much as possible… But at what cost?
In fact, for a creative person to achieve fame, a long and sometimes exhausting process is needed, which not everyone is ready to go through. How many times have there been situations where an aspiring author or actor has come into conflict with their spouse simply because they were not ready to be the main breadwinner in a family throughout a very long period of time? And then, you see, it is far from a fact that even the most talented person will become famous and rich…
Something similar happened recently to the author of this post on the AITA Reddit community, user u/Life_Detail4527, whose story has already racked up over 10.4K upvotes and about 1.7K different comments in a few weeks. All in all, reason enough to take a close look at this story…
More info: Reddit
The author of the post works for a tech company while her husband is an aspiring author writing his second novel
Image credits: Haldane Martin (not the actual photo)
So the author of the original post works for a tech company while her husband is an aspiring author. Some time ago, he published a novel at his own expense, which had some success and producers even acquired the film rights. The film, however, was never made, but the couple received a fairly large amount of money, which inspired the Original Poster’s husband to further work.
Image credits: Life_Detail4527
When the author was pregnant, her boss offered her a full year of maternity leave on comfortable conditions
The OP recently gave birth to a child, and when she was still pregnant, the employer provided her with a full year of maternity leave on fairly comfortable conditions, without loss of seniority and other salary bonuses. And then, some time after the baby was born, the new mom started taking on some work assignments and started getting involved in the work process. On average, according to the OP herself, it took her about 15 hours a week.
Image credits: Life_Detail4527
Initially, the couple agreed that during the hours that the OP would do her job, her husband would take care of the child, giving her the opportunity to work. The man said he would be writing his book at home, and at the time, according to his wife, it was a pretty good arrangement for both of them. And then the problems started…
Image credits: Life_Detail4527
The husband first volunteered to care for their kid, yet he gradually started calling her more and more to help with the baby
After about a month, the OP’s husband began to gradually ignore the child’s crying and some of the kid’s urgent needs, demanding that his wife take care of the baby, and claiming that she deals with it better. In the end, mom had no choice, and she, of course, did everything – but this began to interfere with her work and her deal with the boss. Of course, the OP did not like this state of affairs very much…
Image credits: Life_Detail4527
At the same time, the wife remained the main breadwinner for the whole family, because the husband was actually unemployed, counting on the fame and big money that awaited him. He refused to find any job, claiming that it would interfere with his creative work, and he also did not want to hire a nanny, because the OP stated that those services would then be funded from their fun budget.
Image credits: Life_Detail4527
The wife is the main breadwinner for the family yet her husband doesn’t want to hire a nanny, as that would be funded from the family fun budget
But the man absolutely did not want to give up the opportunity to live a beautiful life in an expensive city, go on vacation, having dinners out and spending money on his own hobbies. At the same time, the man did not at all take into account the fact that all these hobbies were actually covered by the money that his wife earned.
Image credits: Life_Detail4527
And so, one fine day, when the OP’s boss offered her a choice between various work options, she made her choice in favor of working in the office, although she could continue to work from home. The result was a tantrum from her hubby, who insisted that his wife continue to stay at home and take care of the child. At the same time, as she herself admits, in the office she has access to a private room and a freezer so she can store milk. She’s able to interact with the rest of the team and she finally enjoys the whole environment.
Image credits: Life_Detail4527
The mom decided to return to the office and her hubby threw a tantrum, claiming he feels ’emasculated’ by this
The only one left unhappy with this decision was the husband. He stated that the wife is being cruel as the baby needs her. The man then said that babysitting makes him feel ’emasculated’ and ended up complaining about the wife’s behavior to his parents during the family Thanksgiving dinner. We must say that the OP’s mother-in-law supported her son, while the FIL stated that was what the husband signed up for if he didn’t want a job. Be that as it may, the family quarrel has continued, and is far from being resolved.
Image credits: Nenad Stojkovic (not the actual photo)
Commenters backed the mom completely, stating that her hubby is actually manipulating her and wants to have ‘a sugar momma’
Most people in the comments, however, completely sided with the Original Poster, arguing that she had given her husband options and he’s the one making it difficult for the new mom to continue funding her home and family. Also, commenters believe that this is nothing more than an attempt at manipulation by the husband, both clumsy and unsuccessful.
Also, according to commenters, the husband wants all the benefits of a stay-at-home parent without having a job, yet with no cut in fun money. In short, the guy wants a sugar momma type who will bankroll his life and not bother him with the realities of parenthood, people in the comments state.
We’re pretty sure you’ve already made up your own mind about who’s right and who’s wrong in this particular situation, so please feel free to leave your comments below this post. And if you too have had the opportunity to face or witness something similar, then we look forward to your own awesome story.
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An aspiring author with the world view that a father providing primary care to his child is being emasculated by his wife doesn't sound like he has the creative juices to write well and share anything other than mysoginy in his work, just saying....
Fat Harry, he literally told his wife he felt emasculated....
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A nice compromise would be to hire a part time nanny/housekeeper so he could get some solid writing/editing time in during the week and maybe skip a vacation or two (wait to travel until the kid is old enough to enjoy it) to make up the money difference.
He had a year where all the childcare except 15hrs a week was taken care of, and he couldn't produce. He needs to back burner the writing until the kid is older or work to cover childcare. Perhaps sell some spec work.
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"I negociated a full year of maternity leave" ... "In return for the accomodation I got a full month I got a month of uninterupted time with my new baby. Then I started taking on task from home on my own schedule". You did NOT negociate a full year of maternity leave. You got a month of true maternity leave, and got at work-from-home-deal after that on reduced time. Maternity LEAVE is that, you leave your work for a period to focus solely on parenting. By European standards you got quite a bad deal there, where you basically worked during what should have been time dedicated to your family.
Yeah, I thought that was odd. I hope she was paid for the time she put in.
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He shouldn’t have aired their disagreements in front of others if he didn’t want to feel emasculated. Poor dear. Well at least he has his mommy’s bosom to cry on. Are children abandoned by the fathers who go out to work every day?
Sadly common story: husband in an a*****e, wife argues back, husband runs to mommy, argument now involves extended family, whole family argues, wife correctly calls him out, husband cried about being embarassed/emasculated in from of the family.
Yes very common. Still to this day people, particularly men, are not serious about contraception or family planning and they say "whatever happens happens!" Yeah, and who's staying home with the baby? Are you leaving your job? And they look dumbfounded, like the mother was automatically going to quit
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To BE CLEAR... he feels "emasculated" so feels like a "woman" and that's an INSULT to him. Even though his WIFE is quite literally finding his entire life, women are so far beneath him... he is embarrassed to be compared to even the thought of one. But "toxic masculinity doesn't exist" right?
This is some F*cked up dogmatic way of thinking. Some serious gender ineqality.
Someone in that household has to earn a living. Wife has a better chance. He may be a good writer, and have potential, but that doesn't put food on the table. I think husband is being a big baby. He doesn't seem to like compromise.. They could hire a part time nanny for a few hours a day so he could get some uninterrupted writing done.
Privileged jerk! If he feels emasculated, then maybe he should get a real job and contribute that way, since his "writing" isn't doing it for him. My husband worked nights and I worked days, so we could care for our children without daycare. It was tuff, but can be done. You have to make sacrifice when you have kids. Put away the video games, get a real job and put your kids first.
The fact that they could afford a nanny using only their fun money suggests to me it wouldn't even be that big of a sacrifice. A lot of couples don't have that kind of fun money, even with two jobs.
Load More Replies... This is why women don't have children anymore or they have them single. Lots of promises from their partner and when the baby is born almost all of them either complain about how much time the baby is taking up, or Theydont do their share with anything at home, and it hurts the relationship but they still want conversation, sex, money, a fully rounded relatio ship. Then the partner gets dissapointed and resentful and leaves with the child, and men go around "pregnancy changes a woman. You're not the woman I chose to be with." No sh*t, and you haven't swept the floors or changed the baby without me bagg8ng you to death.
My daughter had 2 boys aged 5 and 3 with their dad and he never helped her take care of them. When they were sick she was always the one staying home from work to take care of them and did everything for them and the home. Then her partner started talking about how nice it would be with a baby and swore he would help out a lot more so she got pregnant again. Same thing happened again. No support, refuses to stay home when they are sick and he works part time at a farm after his full-time job cleaning so he leaves early in the morning and doesn't get home till the kids are in bed and often works at the farm at weekends. He has taken 2 weeks parental leave for the youngest of 18 months over Christmas and New year but she and I both know he won't be home to help out. Ridiculous
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Sounds like hubby is a lazy and wants the rich life of doing nothing while wife takes care of everything, sorry don't work that way you need to pull your weight on taking care of things or your nothing but dead weight that needs to be cut off and lost
Hire part time nanny, increase nanny hours if necessary ....husband is 'in love with his lifestyle' before baby arrived, and now appears unable to adjust, (self-absorbed?) ... take decisive action now...do not wait years and years in limbo like my friend did, who's nonproductive husband, also 'in love with his lifestyle' (of not working, sitting around their pool, not lifting a finger to help out)..while my friend scrambled to pay their expenses. His self absorption caused their divorce many years later. She waited far too long and lost half of what she worked for all those years, allowing his laziness to ride. Here....husb HAS potential, and needs to show he can work at that potential, just like a real job(!) at home, daily, while the nanny is there.
He should feel emasculated by wanting to sit by and watch his wife be the sole provider of his house hold and family, when usually and naturally the man is the provider and head of house hold in that sense. On top of you birthing his beautiful baby. Now you're supposed to provide for the whole family, and stay at home taking care of the baby constantly..while he does what?? Twiddles his fingers and walks around with his thumb up his a*s???! I'm truly sorry to be so brash.. but that is unacceptable, I'm so sorry you're going through that. Do not be manipulated or taken advantage of. That's not what you as a woman were made for, to play the role of both the WIFE AND HUSBAND while you actually have a husband who should be your partner, 50/50. AND BTW, It's a little disturbing when men consider caring for their own child or being at home with their offspring as "BABYSITTING".
🙄🤦♀️ why do. These men always want to stay away from the children they make? Like... Really!? I hope a divorce would be the last thing, but that dude needs some therapy.
First, I suggest that you consider getting separate checking accounts. Then I suggest you give him an ultimatum, tell him that either he gets a job or he goes to live with mama and see how much she likes taking care of her man child.
It sounds like neither of them really want a baby. He wants to live a carefree life and she is career orientated. They just want the other to look after the baby so they can each live the life they had before the baby came.
How being career oriented means that you don't want babies? She rightfully wants to get back to work, 'cause being a mom doesn't mean that you are not a full person anymore.
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To be fair, you cannot write and take care of a baby. But if you do not have a spouse that provides you can't sit at home and write, either. But to think you are entitled to a comfortable, funfilled life that someone else provides is nonsense. It still works for some women for a while, but it's an illusion. NTA. Someone has to pay for everything and it won't be the unplished author for a looooong time to come.
Most people start their writing careers while holding down a job. His is taking care of his child. 100% bet she get the kid the minute she walks in, so it's just like a normal job for him.
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The hubby doesn't want any responsibility but wants to live the life of luxury. If he's not willing to contribute financially or by caring for his child he's just a deadbeat. That being said, I wouldn't leave my child with someone who didn't want to care for him and left him to cry.
It's amazing how many women choose to tie themselves to and reproduce with these deadbeat spoiled house cats. She chose to marry and reproduce with this guy. ESH
Well most of these dummies provide false promises. They say one thing before the baby is born and then the baby is born they act the complete opposite. This is why people break up. Overpromsing, lying, not pulling your weight in the relationship etc
Load More Replies... He sounds just as bad as my daughter's fiance. They have 3 children together. 2 boys 6 and 8 and a girl who is 18 months old. He works full time an hour away by car which means it costs a fortune and leaves for work at 4.30am every day. My daughter also works full time Mon to Friday 7am to 4pm. She took a year maternity leave as in Sweden it's paid for plus no daycare takes children under 1 year old. No travel costs as she works 10 minutes away. 3 kids and he has only stayed home with the youngest once and not at all with the older ones. He also works part-time at a farm, evenings and weekends. He uses their apartment as a hotel. Oh and he's taken 2 weeks paternal leave for the youngest over Christmas and New year but both my daughter and I know he will spend it working at the farm. Leaving my daughter to do everything as usual. Makes me furious
That sounds like a very hard life for both of them, but at least your SIL-to-be is doing all that to contribute financially, isn't he?
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The OP has tried to get her husband To compromise but he refuses. It seems to be it’s his way or no way. However she is the main breadwinner Therefore since he refuses to compromise she should just make the decision to hire the nanny and take it out of their fun money. When he complains and we know he will all she has to do is tell him these are the consequences of your actions or lack there of. If he wants to be treated like a man he needs to act like a man it’s plain and simple. OP needs to find her backbone (No disrespect meant) Hire a nanny and do what she needs to do do what’s best for that child in that household. Because the only person that her husband is thinking about is himself.
What's with this epidemic of absolute man babies in this gen? And the women who marry them??? My sister did and so did one of my best friends. All they do is complain they have to act like their mothers. I absolutely refuse. Fellas, get it together
I agree with you, but I think it's how these males were raised. It goes back to the "participation trophy" generation with no real responsibility or consequences. Nothing was ever their fault, and mommy and daddy would fix it and make it go away. They were not taught basic life skills. I would also add that people should date longer and not be in such a hurry to move in together and have children. You can't get to know someone in a few months of "hanging out".
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He feels emasculated after running to Mommy… tell him togrow a pair, pull his own weight and stop suckling mommy’s teat.
Nta. Money is needed to raise a child and to live. Earning money is a way to take care of your children
Wtf it even is "emasculated"? In this age there are no gender roles I would be sick of him just because he used that word. It seems he doesnt understand unless he has a contract and the contracted money in written form his writing ambitions are just a hobby and he needs to either work or take care of the child+house. He can write in the evening when wife is at home and she should support him in this hobby 100%. But he cannot just sit on his a*s and wait for tge inspiration the whole day. He could do it before ( temporarily only) before the child. Now the child's needs come first, not hobbies. Life is tough, this is what we all do. The creative dreams must wait when there is a child.
I don't understand. Can't they bring the kid to kindergarden? If he's 1 yo it's old enough for it. It's what all the working parents do. About the guy, clearly he wasn't ready to be a dad. The emasculation thing would have me rolling my eyes for an hour. I feel like it's more about being dismessed by his father than the problem itself.
Kindergarten in the US is school (kids are age 5). If you mean daycare, that is insanely expensive. It is more likely cheaper to hire a nanny to come in several hours a day than put the baby into daycare (daycare here starts at $250/week for 1 kid, and providers usually have "vacation time" built in to the contract so you still pay $250/wk while they're on holiday and you're paying a different person to watch your child. Also, daycare means a lot of illnesses, some of which your baby may not be able to be vaccinated against.
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If you have to get up and go to work everyday so should he. When you come home he should be leaving to go to work period
Totally agree with everyone. He needs to step up or step out, and only he can choose. That said - the suggestion that perhaps he needs to see to his own mental health is a good one. I could see his reaction coming from a place of low self-esteem, potentially depression. Perhaps he's coming up with excuses not to admit that he feels like c**p.
NTA. Tell this man-child that you don't babysit your own kid! It's called parenting, and it's for both parents, not just mommy. Aspiring author, my foot!
I was married to a selfish baby like this, WAS being the key word. He wasn't working, yet he insisted he couldn't "get anything done" with the kids underfoot so he would take them to the babysitter after I left for work, call me 10 minutes before my quitting time to tell me to pick them up. BTW, apparently he couldn't do anything while they were at the babysitter's, either.
NTA your husband is keep firm with the choices you gave him no fun money for nanny to help out. He crazy
He emasculated himself when he ran to his Mommy. With his attitude, it's no surprise he's a Momma's boy. Good for FIL for a touch of reality. Big baby boy needs to man up and do his part. Mom doesn't need two infants to take care of.
Of course he complained that he could not look for a job if he was “babysitting”. I reminded him I worked part time he look for work when I was home. He said that a man should not be babysitting. I reminded him that you don’t babysit your own child and then a man should be at work and not sitting at home sponging off his parents. I had to find my back bone but when I did things changed for the better. I wish you luck to the OP
This comment next is a continuation from my previous comment. I went through something similar to this when my son was younger. My husband myself and our three year old son moved to another state to live with his mother and stepfather start our life in that state. I found a job however it was only part time but my husband had not found a job and refused to take care of our son while I was working so I had to put him in daycare. So essentially I was working to pay for daycare therefore there was no money for bills. His mother took his side of course his stepfather took my side whenever the subs was brought up. I was expected to work take care of our son when I was home and to take care of the household and my husband. I was young and thought that’s how it was supposed to be. Until one day after speaking with my mother and his stepfather I had had enough and set my foot down. Took our son out of daycare and told him that he would be watching him while I was working. Can’t with next post
Sounds exactly like my hopefully soon to be exhusband. Only difference is he was never an author. He worked just one year in our entire relationship of 4 years of living together. While I am still legally married to him, hired a divorce lawyer a year ago with no results, we have been separated for 2 and a half years. The man still doesnt have a job and somehow he clains its my fault. He has nothing to do with his son, and that also is somehow my fault. I have no respect for man-children as I have been dealing with one myself. Either the husband needs to grow a pair and become a real man or she needs to cut her losses and leave with the baby. She's basically a single mom already and as the breadwinner should have final say over how the money is spent so the child is taken care of.
@Amber the father of my child was like that as well. He used to say he wanted to go back to school and get a Master's degree, so he could not be a stay at home parent. So I had to put my kid to daycare at three months of age. Was the sole breadwinner, taking care of the child, doing the vast majority of household work while he just lay on the sofa doing nothing all day. After three years he had not even started any studies or training nor did he work more than two hours a day. I kicked him out and alcohol took command of his life. It got worse and worse and he refused to get any help if it wasn't from me. And then I found out that he wasn't even able to keep sober for the two hours a week he was in charge of our child. Child was 4 when he passed. It's tough to be in charge of a child alone all the time. But not as tough as having to care for a child AND a drunkard who is blaming you for everything that goes wrong in his life and keeps complaining that you don't do enough for him
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Do you even need comments or help? Congrats on your problem with hiring a nany or not. I can't figure out how to go to work AND pay for babysitting
He put that bun in that oven, or was at least in on it. Someone's gotta take care of it. He can get a more stable job or give up some fun so they can pay a nanny if doesn't want to be the one doing all the physical work.
I am amazing how parents don't understand how hard babies are until they have them...it's all fun and games until someone get pregnant and then no one wants to deal with it. I think before having a kid maybe you both should have sat down and really discussed this not just the first year but how about the whole life of the kid everything from values you teach them ect...stupid you both are a******s because you had a kid and didn't think about cost, who would care for it, ect...get a puppy if your clock is ticking or a kitten maybe some fish...
Because he said originally that he would be a SAHD. He can write when she gets off work.. that lasted only a month. The problem is, someone has to have an income, and in this house it's been her. She has had a glorious year with her baby and now has to go back to work.
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Both TA. I think it may have been unrealistic for you both agree to a stay-at-home parent, vs a web parent, when you both have a career. I'm sure it made more sense to be him since he is basically self-employed. I think a part-time nanny would be fair, and then a good preschool later.
But he doesn't want a nanny because it will mean less vacations and going out to eat.
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I wonder why they don't get the parents' help with taking care of the baby? Maybe the husband needs to take a course on child care so he can do the job better. He signed up for taking care of the baby without knowing the responsibilities involved. In a year's time, they can put the baby in day care. If the husband's novel doesn't take off, it's time to pursue another job and keep the writing going on the side. It's easy to become obsessed with an art especially when you think you might be famous one day.
Maybe all the grandparents work or have health issues, or decided they weren't wasting their retirement years providing weekly daycare. Not their baby so it doesn't matter why they don't. Maybe his parents don't because they think he needs a job.
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I dont like how they are leaving out the part that the man made a decent amount of money from his book and the lady says he doesn't contribute at all But I do think if he wants a maid or nany the guy should work at least part or flex time to help
You are assuming he made a decent amount on the book, but she only said it was a large sum for them at the time. They didn't even get the entire amount. And he hasn't earned a penny since. Stephen King was a school janitor while he wrote. Others have held full-time jobs while waiting for success, which most authors never attain. The Authors Guild did a study and "successful" full-time authors only earn around $20k a year. The success of writers like King, Grisham, Rice, etc is rare. This guy needs to have a job. A lot of authors have jobs involving writing (journalists, textbooks, magazine articles, etc) while they write. He had ONE mildly successful book several years ago; he can't milk that forever.
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NTA...however, remember when you were getting interrupted while working at home.... Well that's what he is dealing with while trying to write. You guys need to carve out time for him to have uninterrupted writing time. I'm sure he has come to realize a baby is more work then he thought an can't get writing done. It's time to cut back on the fun. You have a kid now. Hire the nanny even if just part time during peak hours when he needs to be writing. Not for him to sit around and do nothing. Remember your both parents and both have a job even though his job is very flexible it's still a job. So remember he is not unemployed. That's probably the part that makes him feel the worst. That his writing is viewed as not working. Validate his writing and just be the boss and get him some help part time. He's overwhelmed with the reality of the baby care. He's probably embarrassed to admit it.
He selfpublished 1 book years ago that maybe sold enough to break even, got excited that someone bought movie rights but then decided NOT to make the movie (now no one can), and with no publicity on the book it isnt selling. He is not an author, he is a wannabe and that is not a job or contributing. Writing is a hobby until it makes real money - even for now famous authors who have real jobs until they get a contract with a real publishing house and a successful book (and even after for many). I have a friend who is a real author with 8 books published by one of the big 5 publishers and now translated and sold around the world. She STILL works as a middle school English teacher to make ends meet (and runs a farm with her husband) because royalties arent guaranteed and cant be predicted.
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Is this for real? This is the DREAM, you mean me, the MAN, finally gets to stay home while you go work? AND I get some help during the day....sign me up, it was my plan with my wife and that didn't fly. Idiot.
... You need some therapy other than writing so negatively about your wife..
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She's not a doormat if she decided not to bend to his will.
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"Help with the baby," obviously means to him that she do all the baby work while he supposedly writes.
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She didn't want her husband to keep trying to p**n the baby off on her while she was working. He agreed to be the SAHD. Working at the office eliminates the problem and she said she enjoys the environment. And since she is the only one with a steady job the "fun" money is the OP's money. It's fun money because its above and beyond the household expenses.
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You seem to have missed the part where he complained babysitting made him feel emasculated and wanted her to do it even when she was WFH, which was disrespectful to her and her job. Nor did he want to hire help because that would cut into the 'fun money' budget. So what's it to be? Her employer isn't paying her to change diapers. Dude needs to grow up.
Load More Replies... They did hash out the details. He has decided he wants to do less with the baby
Load More Replies... An aspiring author with the world view that a father providing primary care to his child is being emasculated by his wife doesn't sound like he has the creative juices to write well and share anything other than mysoginy in his work, just saying....
Fat Harry, he literally told his wife he felt emasculated....
Load More Replies... A nice compromise would be to hire a part time nanny/housekeeper so he could get some solid writing/editing time in during the week and maybe skip a vacation or two (wait to travel until the kid is old enough to enjoy it) to make up the money difference.
He had a year where all the childcare except 15hrs a week was taken care of, and he couldn't produce. He needs to back burner the writing until the kid is older or work to cover childcare. Perhaps sell some spec work.
Load More Replies... "I negociated a full year of maternity leave" ... "In return for the accomodation I got a full month I got a month of uninterupted time with my new baby. Then I started taking on task from home on my own schedule". You did NOT negociate a full year of maternity leave. You got a month of true maternity leave, and got at work-from-home-deal after that on reduced time. Maternity LEAVE is that, you leave your work for a period to focus solely on parenting. By European standards you got quite a bad deal there, where you basically worked during what should have been time dedicated to your family.
Yeah, I thought that was odd. I hope she was paid for the time she put in.
Load More Replies... He shouldn’t have aired their disagreements in front of others if he didn’t want to feel emasculated. Poor dear. Well at least he has his mommy’s bosom to cry on. Are children abandoned by the fathers who go out to work every day?
Sadly common story: husband in an a*****e, wife argues back, husband runs to mommy, argument now involves extended family, whole family argues, wife correctly calls him out, husband cried about being embarassed/emasculated in from of the family.
Yes very common. Still to this day people, particularly men, are not serious about contraception or family planning and they say "whatever happens happens!" Yeah, and who's staying home with the baby? Are you leaving your job? And they look dumbfounded, like the mother was automatically going to quit
Load More Replies... To BE CLEAR... he feels "emasculated" so feels like a "woman" and that's an INSULT to him. Even though his WIFE is quite literally finding his entire life, women are so far beneath him... he is embarrassed to be compared to even the thought of one. But "toxic masculinity doesn't exist" right?
This is some F*cked up dogmatic way of thinking. Some serious gender ineqality.
Someone in that household has to earn a living. Wife has a better chance. He may be a good writer, and have potential, but that doesn't put food on the table. I think husband is being a big baby. He doesn't seem to like compromise.. They could hire a part time nanny for a few hours a day so he could get some uninterrupted writing done.
Privileged jerk! If he feels emasculated, then maybe he should get a real job and contribute that way, since his "writing" isn't doing it for him. My husband worked nights and I worked days, so we could care for our children without daycare. It was tuff, but can be done. You have to make sacrifice when you have kids. Put away the video games, get a real job and put your kids first.
The fact that they could afford a nanny using only their fun money suggests to me it wouldn't even be that big of a sacrifice. A lot of couples don't have that kind of fun money, even with two jobs.
Load More Replies... This is why women don't have children anymore or they have them single. Lots of promises from their partner and when the baby is born almost all of them either complain about how much time the baby is taking up, or Theydont do their share with anything at home, and it hurts the relationship but they still want conversation, sex, money, a fully rounded relatio ship. Then the partner gets dissapointed and resentful and leaves with the child, and men go around "pregnancy changes a woman. You're not the woman I chose to be with." No sh*t, and you haven't swept the floors or changed the baby without me bagg8ng you to death.
My daughter had 2 boys aged 5 and 3 with their dad and he never helped her take care of them. When they were sick she was always the one staying home from work to take care of them and did everything for them and the home. Then her partner started talking about how nice it would be with a baby and swore he would help out a lot more so she got pregnant again. Same thing happened again. No support, refuses to stay home when they are sick and he works part time at a farm after his full-time job cleaning so he leaves early in the morning and doesn't get home till the kids are in bed and often works at the farm at weekends. He has taken 2 weeks parental leave for the youngest of 18 months over Christmas and New year but she and I both know he won't be home to help out. Ridiculous
Load More Replies... Sounds like hubby is a lazy and wants the rich life of doing nothing while wife takes care of everything, sorry don't work that way you need to pull your weight on taking care of things or your nothing but dead weight that needs to be cut off and lost
Hire part time nanny, increase nanny hours if necessary ....husband is 'in love with his lifestyle' before baby arrived, and now appears unable to adjust, (self-absorbed?) ... take decisive action now...do not wait years and years in limbo like my friend did, who's nonproductive husband, also 'in love with his lifestyle' (of not working, sitting around their pool, not lifting a finger to help out)..while my friend scrambled to pay their expenses. His self absorption caused their divorce many years later. She waited far too long and lost half of what she worked for all those years, allowing his laziness to ride. Here....husb HAS potential, and needs to show he can work at that potential, just like a real job(!) at home, daily, while the nanny is there.
He should feel emasculated by wanting to sit by and watch his wife be the sole provider of his house hold and family, when usually and naturally the man is the provider and head of house hold in that sense. On top of you birthing his beautiful baby. Now you're supposed to provide for the whole family, and stay at home taking care of the baby constantly..while he does what?? Twiddles his fingers and walks around with his thumb up his a*s???! I'm truly sorry to be so brash.. but that is unacceptable, I'm so sorry you're going through that. Do not be manipulated or taken advantage of. That's not what you as a woman were made for, to play the role of both the WIFE AND HUSBAND while you actually have a husband who should be your partner, 50/50. AND BTW, It's a little disturbing when men consider caring for their own child or being at home with their offspring as "BABYSITTING".
🙄🤦♀️ why do. These men always want to stay away from the children they make? Like... Really!? I hope a divorce would be the last thing, but that dude needs some therapy.
First, I suggest that you consider getting separate checking accounts. Then I suggest you give him an ultimatum, tell him that either he gets a job or he goes to live with mama and see how much she likes taking care of her man child.
It sounds like neither of them really want a baby. He wants to live a carefree life and she is career orientated. They just want the other to look after the baby so they can each live the life they had before the baby came.
How being career oriented means that you don't want babies? She rightfully wants to get back to work, 'cause being a mom doesn't mean that you are not a full person anymore.
Load More Replies... To be fair, you cannot write and take care of a baby. But if you do not have a spouse that provides you can't sit at home and write, either. But to think you are entitled to a comfortable, funfilled life that someone else provides is nonsense. It still works for some women for a while, but it's an illusion. NTA. Someone has to pay for everything and it won't be the unplished author for a looooong time to come.
Most people start their writing careers while holding down a job. His is taking care of his child. 100% bet she get the kid the minute she walks in, so it's just like a normal job for him.
Load More Replies... The hubby doesn't want any responsibility but wants to live the life of luxury. If he's not willing to contribute financially or by caring for his child he's just a deadbeat. That being said, I wouldn't leave my child with someone who didn't want to care for him and left him to cry.
It's amazing how many women choose to tie themselves to and reproduce with these deadbeat spoiled house cats. She chose to marry and reproduce with this guy. ESH
Well most of these dummies provide false promises. They say one thing before the baby is born and then the baby is born they act the complete opposite. This is why people break up. Overpromsing, lying, not pulling your weight in the relationship etc
Load More Replies... He sounds just as bad as my daughter's fiance. They have 3 children together. 2 boys 6 and 8 and a girl who is 18 months old. He works full time an hour away by car which means it costs a fortune and leaves for work at 4.30am every day. My daughter also works full time Mon to Friday 7am to 4pm. She took a year maternity leave as in Sweden it's paid for plus no daycare takes children under 1 year old. No travel costs as she works 10 minutes away. 3 kids and he has only stayed home with the youngest once and not at all with the older ones. He also works part-time at a farm, evenings and weekends. He uses their apartment as a hotel. Oh and he's taken 2 weeks paternal leave for the youngest over Christmas and New year but both my daughter and I know he will spend it working at the farm. Leaving my daughter to do everything as usual. Makes me furious
That sounds like a very hard life for both of them, but at least your SIL-to-be is doing all that to contribute financially, isn't he?
Load More Replies... The OP has tried to get her husband To compromise but he refuses. It seems to be it’s his way or no way. However she is the main breadwinner Therefore since he refuses to compromise she should just make the decision to hire the nanny and take it out of their fun money. When he complains and we know he will all she has to do is tell him these are the consequences of your actions or lack there of. If he wants to be treated like a man he needs to act like a man it’s plain and simple. OP needs to find her backbone (No disrespect meant) Hire a nanny and do what she needs to do do what’s best for that child in that household. Because the only person that her husband is thinking about is himself.
What's with this epidemic of absolute man babies in this gen? And the women who marry them??? My sister did and so did one of my best friends. All they do is complain they have to act like their mothers. I absolutely refuse. Fellas, get it together
I agree with you, but I think it's how these males were raised. It goes back to the "participation trophy" generation with no real responsibility or consequences. Nothing was ever their fault, and mommy and daddy would fix it and make it go away. They were not taught basic life skills. I would also add that people should date longer and not be in such a hurry to move in together and have children. You can't get to know someone in a few months of "hanging out".
Load More Replies... He feels emasculated after running to Mommy… tell him togrow a pair, pull his own weight and stop suckling mommy’s teat.
Nta. Money is needed to raise a child and to live. Earning money is a way to take care of your children
Wtf it even is "emasculated"? In this age there are no gender roles I would be sick of him just because he used that word. It seems he doesnt understand unless he has a contract and the contracted money in written form his writing ambitions are just a hobby and he needs to either work or take care of the child+house. He can write in the evening when wife is at home and she should support him in this hobby 100%. But he cannot just sit on his a*s and wait for tge inspiration the whole day. He could do it before ( temporarily only) before the child. Now the child's needs come first, not hobbies. Life is tough, this is what we all do. The creative dreams must wait when there is a child.
I don't understand. Can't they bring the kid to kindergarden? If he's 1 yo it's old enough for it. It's what all the working parents do. About the guy, clearly he wasn't ready to be a dad. The emasculation thing would have me rolling my eyes for an hour. I feel like it's more about being dismessed by his father than the problem itself.
Kindergarten in the US is school (kids are age 5). If you mean daycare, that is insanely expensive. It is more likely cheaper to hire a nanny to come in several hours a day than put the baby into daycare (daycare here starts at $250/week for 1 kid, and providers usually have "vacation time" built in to the contract so you still pay $250/wk while they're on holiday and you're paying a different person to watch your child. Also, daycare means a lot of illnesses, some of which your baby may not be able to be vaccinated against.
Load More Replies... If you have to get up and go to work everyday so should he. When you come home he should be leaving to go to work period
Totally agree with everyone. He needs to step up or step out, and only he can choose. That said - the suggestion that perhaps he needs to see to his own mental health is a good one. I could see his reaction coming from a place of low self-esteem, potentially depression. Perhaps he's coming up with excuses not to admit that he feels like c**p.
NTA. Tell this man-child that you don't babysit your own kid! It's called parenting, and it's for both parents, not just mommy. Aspiring author, my foot!
I was married to a selfish baby like this, WAS being the key word. He wasn't working, yet he insisted he couldn't "get anything done" with the kids underfoot so he would take them to the babysitter after I left for work, call me 10 minutes before my quitting time to tell me to pick them up. BTW, apparently he couldn't do anything while they were at the babysitter's, either.
NTA your husband is keep firm with the choices you gave him no fun money for nanny to help out. He crazy
He emasculated himself when he ran to his Mommy. With his attitude, it's no surprise he's a Momma's boy. Good for FIL for a touch of reality. Big baby boy needs to man up and do his part. Mom doesn't need two infants to take care of.
Of course he complained that he could not look for a job if he was “babysitting”. I reminded him I worked part time he look for work when I was home. He said that a man should not be babysitting. I reminded him that you don’t babysit your own child and then a man should be at work and not sitting at home sponging off his parents. I had to find my back bone but when I did things changed for the better. I wish you luck to the OP
This comment next is a continuation from my previous comment. I went through something similar to this when my son was younger. My husband myself and our three year old son moved to another state to live with his mother and stepfather start our life in that state. I found a job however it was only part time but my husband had not found a job and refused to take care of our son while I was working so I had to put him in daycare. So essentially I was working to pay for daycare therefore there was no money for bills. His mother took his side of course his stepfather took my side whenever the subs was brought up. I was expected to work take care of our son when I was home and to take care of the household and my husband. I was young and thought that’s how it was supposed to be. Until one day after speaking with my mother and his stepfather I had had enough and set my foot down. Took our son out of daycare and told him that he would be watching him while I was working. Can’t with next post
Sounds exactly like my hopefully soon to be exhusband. Only difference is he was never an author. He worked just one year in our entire relationship of 4 years of living together. While I am still legally married to him, hired a divorce lawyer a year ago with no results, we have been separated for 2 and a half years. The man still doesnt have a job and somehow he clains its my fault. He has nothing to do with his son, and that also is somehow my fault. I have no respect for man-children as I have been dealing with one myself. Either the husband needs to grow a pair and become a real man or she needs to cut her losses and leave with the baby. She's basically a single mom already and as the breadwinner should have final say over how the money is spent so the child is taken care of.
@Amber the father of my child was like that as well. He used to say he wanted to go back to school and get a Master's degree, so he could not be a stay at home parent. So I had to put my kid to daycare at three months of age. Was the sole breadwinner, taking care of the child, doing the vast majority of household work while he just lay on the sofa doing nothing all day. After three years he had not even started any studies or training nor did he work more than two hours a day. I kicked him out and alcohol took command of his life. It got worse and worse and he refused to get any help if it wasn't from me. And then I found out that he wasn't even able to keep sober for the two hours a week he was in charge of our child. Child was 4 when he passed. It's tough to be in charge of a child alone all the time. But not as tough as having to care for a child AND a drunkard who is blaming you for everything that goes wrong in his life and keeps complaining that you don't do enough for him
Load More Replies... Do you even need comments or help? Congrats on your problem with hiring a nany or not. I can't figure out how to go to work AND pay for babysitting
He put that bun in that oven, or was at least in on it. Someone's gotta take care of it. He can get a more stable job or give up some fun so they can pay a nanny if doesn't want to be the one doing all the physical work.
I am amazing how parents don't understand how hard babies are until they have them...it's all fun and games until someone get pregnant and then no one wants to deal with it. I think before having a kid maybe you both should have sat down and really discussed this not just the first year but how about the whole life of the kid everything from values you teach them ect...stupid you both are a******s because you had a kid and didn't think about cost, who would care for it, ect...get a puppy if your clock is ticking or a kitten maybe some fish...
Because he said originally that he would be a SAHD. He can write when she gets off work.. that lasted only a month. The problem is, someone has to have an income, and in this house it's been her. She has had a glorious year with her baby and now has to go back to work.
Load More Replies... Both TA. I think it may have been unrealistic for you both agree to a stay-at-home parent, vs a web parent, when you both have a career. I'm sure it made more sense to be him since he is basically self-employed. I think a part-time nanny would be fair, and then a good preschool later.
But he doesn't want a nanny because it will mean less vacations and going out to eat.
Load More Replies... I wonder why they don't get the parents' help with taking care of the baby? Maybe the husband needs to take a course on child care so he can do the job better. He signed up for taking care of the baby without knowing the responsibilities involved. In a year's time, they can put the baby in day care. If the husband's novel doesn't take off, it's time to pursue another job and keep the writing going on the side. It's easy to become obsessed with an art especially when you think you might be famous one day.
Maybe all the grandparents work or have health issues, or decided they weren't wasting their retirement years providing weekly daycare. Not their baby so it doesn't matter why they don't. Maybe his parents don't because they think he needs a job.
Load More Replies... I dont like how they are leaving out the part that the man made a decent amount of money from his book and the lady says he doesn't contribute at all But I do think if he wants a maid or nany the guy should work at least part or flex time to help
You are assuming he made a decent amount on the book, but she only said it was a large sum for them at the time. They didn't even get the entire amount. And he hasn't earned a penny since. Stephen King was a school janitor while he wrote. Others have held full-time jobs while waiting for success, which most authors never attain. The Authors Guild did a study and "successful" full-time authors only earn around $20k a year. The success of writers like King, Grisham, Rice, etc is rare. This guy needs to have a job. A lot of authors have jobs involving writing (journalists, textbooks, magazine articles, etc) while they write. He had ONE mildly successful book several years ago; he can't milk that forever.
Load More Replies... NTA...however, remember when you were getting interrupted while working at home.... Well that's what he is dealing with while trying to write. You guys need to carve out time for him to have uninterrupted writing time. I'm sure he has come to realize a baby is more work then he thought an can't get writing done. It's time to cut back on the fun. You have a kid now. Hire the nanny even if just part time during peak hours when he needs to be writing. Not for him to sit around and do nothing. Remember your both parents and both have a job even though his job is very flexible it's still a job. So remember he is not unemployed. That's probably the part that makes him feel the worst. That his writing is viewed as not working. Validate his writing and just be the boss and get him some help part time. He's overwhelmed with the reality of the baby care. He's probably embarrassed to admit it.
He selfpublished 1 book years ago that maybe sold enough to break even, got excited that someone bought movie rights but then decided NOT to make the movie (now no one can), and with no publicity on the book it isnt selling. He is not an author, he is a wannabe and that is not a job or contributing. Writing is a hobby until it makes real money - even for now famous authors who have real jobs until they get a contract with a real publishing house and a successful book (and even after for many). I have a friend who is a real author with 8 books published by one of the big 5 publishers and now translated and sold around the world. She STILL works as a middle school English teacher to make ends meet (and runs a farm with her husband) because royalties arent guaranteed and cant be predicted.
Load More Replies... Is this for real? This is the DREAM, you mean me, the MAN, finally gets to stay home while you go work? AND I get some help during the day....sign me up, it was my plan with my wife and that didn't fly. Idiot.
... You need some therapy other than writing so negatively about your wife..
Load More Replies... She's not a doormat if she decided not to bend to his will.
Load More Replies... "Help with the baby," obviously means to him that she do all the baby work while he supposedly writes.
Load More Replies... She didn't want her husband to keep trying to p**n the baby off on her while she was working. He agreed to be the SAHD. Working at the office eliminates the problem and she said she enjoys the environment. And since she is the only one with a steady job the "fun" money is the OP's money. It's fun money because its above and beyond the household expenses.
Load More Replies... You seem to have missed the part where he complained babysitting made him feel emasculated and wanted her to do it even when she was WFH, which was disrespectful to her and her job. Nor did he want to hire help because that would cut into the 'fun money' budget. So what's it to be? Her employer isn't paying her to change diapers. Dude needs to grow up.
Load More Replies... They did hash out the details. He has decided he wants to do less with the baby
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