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Man Tells Wife Not To Complain About Her Stay-At-Home Mom Responsibilities As She Wanted That
Having a newborn is bound to cause some disturbance in every household. That’s why properly communicating and deciding each person’s role in the baby’s care is an incredibly important task. When these roles aren’t properly communicated, everything can fall apart very fast if anyone feels that they have way more or way less of these responsibilities than they expected. Today’s story is a perfect example of that — a couple who had very different views on what it is like to have one person as a stay-at-home parent, which caused an ugly conflict.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
When deciding the responsibilities of having a newborn baby people need to have realistic expectations, or the situation can become ugly very quickly
Image credits: Jonathan Borba (not the actual photo)
Stay-at-home mom gets angry at her husband, as she is the one who has to take care of the baby, both during the day and the majority of nights
Image credits: Yan Krukau (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/[deleted]
Man says she chose to be in this position and shouldn’t complain if she doesn’t want to go back to work, making the stay-at-home mom angry
The OP has been with his wife for a total of 5 years, married for 2 of them. About 5 months ago, they had their first child. The wife said she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, so the husband agreed. Even though he knew that back in the day, she expressed a wish to be a stay-at-home wife, he soon rejected that idea after he told her that she would have to do everything around the house. So, he let her know that when she recovers after birth, she’ll have to do some chores around the house since she’s the one staying at home.
Now, since the baby has been born, he wakes up in the middle of the night a lot. If the OP doesn’t have work the next day at his job of 12-hour shifts, he gets up to take care of him. Sometimes, he does that even if he has work the next day.
A few nights before the man became the Reddit post’s author, his wife went out with her friends for the first time in a while. In the meantime, he took care of their baby. When she came back, she woke up the baby, and he started to cry. So, the man asked his wife to get their son because he had a big day at work in the morning.
The wife refused to do so, stating that she was also tired. Her refusal resulted in the couple’s argument, which ended with the OP getting the baby while the wife ate dinner. Additionally, the woman started wondering why the husband takes care of the baby only during some nights while she does that every day and the majority of nights.
The man’s response was that it was the job she chose (being a stay-at-home mom). After all, it’s a 24-hour job. The wife got mad, saying she didn’t know what she was signing up for. So, after some back-and-forth, the husband offered for the wife to go back to work and split childcare 50/50. This idea didn’t please her, and she got even madder. So, the man came on Reddit to ask if he was wrong for saying what he did.
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
To this, a lot of people online answered that they believe that the issues in this relationship go way further than just childcare responsibilities. Neither of the people from the story are jerks, as both of them have unrealistic expectations about parenting and each other’s responsibilities.
On that note, some stay-at-home moms (SAHMs) came to the comments to voice how they understand this position. A lot of them stated that being a SAHM includes household responsibilities and taking care of the child during the night. At the same time, even stay-at-home moms need breaks sometimes, too. That’s where their partners should step in.
According to Apryl Duncan, the level of responsibilities of stay-at-home moms can vary. Still, the basic definition of the position includes both childcare and household care. That suggests that, unlike the stereotypes, SAHMs don’t stay at home watching soap operas and barely doing anything. Being a stay-at-home mom is a 24-hour job, just like the Reddit post’s OP said.
So, just as netizens did, we wish that this couple improves their communication skills. Communicating expectations is an important thing that lets people avoid such pointless fights like the one they had. After all, such fights can often lead to something more serious, and, well, that doesn’t sound pleasant at all.
Internet folks are pretty sure the couple are in need of improving their communication skills and managing their expectations of each other
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What do you think ?
INGI 1 year ago
"When I assign her chores..." Yeah. He lost me there. He seems pretty controlling and like he thinks he's living in 1954. Being a SAHM (or dad) is a HUGE adjustment. So many red flags on both sides. This is a disaster in the making.
Marnie 1 year ago
Normally, I would agree. But I get the impression that the wife really wasn't very responsible before the baby. I think it's okay for the husband to say, "If you stay home, you WILL have to do some work." I mean, it wouldn't be fair otherwise. Now, if he just started with that for no reason - if she had been a fair partner before, then it would be controlling and not okay. He's setting up expectations, without which, she's not going to do her part and just spend money all day, if we can believe him.
Load More Replies...
Jared Robinson 1 year ago
Seems like neither of you are mature enough to take care of an infant.
ॐBoyGanesh 1 year ago (edited)
They’re not on Bored Panda. When you comment directly to them with “you” you’re speaking to a Reddit post BP has replicated and editorialized. Just want to make sure you know they won’t ever see your comment, but would if you click the link to the original post. - https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/195nrs9/aitah_for_telling_my_wife_thats_the_job_you_chose/
Load More Replies...
JL 1 year ago
When she wanted to be stay-at-home before any kids...that's when you missed the red flag.
Ace 1 year ago
Some of the comments seem to be engendered by the less-than-perfect English, but given the language issues I also wonder what culture they live in. For example it's not clear whether he's actually allocating chores in some sort of controlling manner or just referring to ones which he thinks are clearly part of her SAHM job, nor whether they're from a culture where she may be used to having servants doing some things that she now needs to do herself.
ॐBoyGanesh 1 year ago
As per my other comment: the syntax seems SE Asian. Southern India popped in my head while reading.
Load More Replies...
DrBronxx 1 year ago
ESH. Poor communication. I also have a small child and, while my wife has been on maternity leave, she's absolutely exhausted almost every day. So, when I come home from work, I am there to do whatever needs to be done. Our problem is that we both want to do stuff so we can give the other person a break. Our daughter is slightly older than OP's, and she is now a good sleeper at night, but in the past when she woke up crying, one of us got up to help her. Usually if one parent did it last time, the other does it this time. It didn't matter that I was working the next day, because my wife had a lot of work taking care of my daughter the next day as well. We BOTH have 24-h jobs.
Laura Smith 1 year ago
Your wife is lazy. She wants to be a stay at home wife. But she doesn't want any of the responsibilities at goal on with it. She needs to go back to work...
Mistiekim 1 year ago
ESH except for the poor baby. These two need to get it together. Parenting is 24 hours no matter who works where or what. When he talks about interacting with the baby it sounds like a chore he is begrudgingly doing. It sounds like she was unprepared for what SAH meant (or at least what it meant in his eyes). In the end the only person that’s really going to suffer is their child.
BreAnn East 1 year ago
Sahm is child And house/meal care. She used the baby to not work. She had no clue. Both are awful. Poor child.
Load More Replies...
Wendy Marcus 1 year ago
I gave up a career to be a SAHM. It might sound weird, but my husband and I sat down and wrote out who would do which job. I made dinner, he did the dishes. He mowed the lawn and I took the cars into be repaired. I did all childcare during the day and all of the house work. He vacuumed. I was vacuuming the stairs one day when I was 8 months pregnant with the second. I started having contractions. I called the OB. She said quit vacuuming the stairs. To this day he does the vacuuming. The youngest is 27. At night we split it. Worked for us because we worked it out together and it was very clear.
Chez2202 1 year ago
It sounds as if you have a good man there and he has a good woman. I was always going back to work after having my child and the original plan was for my partner to be the stay at home dad. Our child was only 10 weeks old when I returned to work and my other half lasted 2 weeks and I know he spent most of that time at his mum’s house. We agreed he would go out to work too and we paid a family member to take care of our child when we were working. I could not have been a SAHM. I admire most people who are able to do it but not those who think that their partner should work a full day then take over the childcare as soon as they get in from their paid occupation.
Load More Replies...
Gavin Johnson 1 year ago
For the first year of my daughter’s life her Mum (my wife) stayed at home. When I was at work she was the primary carer, obviously, when I came home I mostly took over, I’d missed seeing my daughter! Plus Mum was breastfeeding and bloody tired! Being a parent is not easy, there are times when you are ridiculously tired, you are constantly trying to balance ‘normal’ life and this new thing that has no respect for sleep, meals, your favourite movie or you and your partner getting 5 minutes together to catch up. This guy sounds like he’s a control freak, a man who thinks he’s given her a job and has no understanding that every Mum needs time to recharge their batteries. I feel for the child and Mum!
Averysleepypanda 1 year ago
These two shouldn't have been married and certainly shouldn't have had kids together.
INGI 1 year ago
"When I assign her chores..." Yeah. He lost me there. He seems pretty controlling and like he thinks he's living in 1954. Being a SAHM (or dad) is a HUGE adjustment. So many red flags on both sides. This is a disaster in the making.
Marnie 1 year ago
Normally, I would agree. But I get the impression that the wife really wasn't very responsible before the baby. I think it's okay for the husband to say, "If you stay home, you WILL have to do some work." I mean, it wouldn't be fair otherwise. Now, if he just started with that for no reason - if she had been a fair partner before, then it would be controlling and not okay. He's setting up expectations, without which, she's not going to do her part and just spend money all day, if we can believe him.
Load More Replies... Jared Robinson 1 year ago
Seems like neither of you are mature enough to take care of an infant.
ॐBoyGanesh 1 year ago (edited)
They’re not on Bored Panda. When you comment directly to them with “you” you’re speaking to a Reddit post BP has replicated and editorialized. Just want to make sure you know they won’t ever see your comment, but would if you click the link to the original post. - https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/195nrs9/aitah_for_telling_my_wife_thats_the_job_you_chose/
Load More Replies... JL 1 year ago
When she wanted to be stay-at-home before any kids...that's when you missed the red flag.
Ace 1 year ago
Some of the comments seem to be engendered by the less-than-perfect English, but given the language issues I also wonder what culture they live in. For example it's not clear whether he's actually allocating chores in some sort of controlling manner or just referring to ones which he thinks are clearly part of her SAHM job, nor whether they're from a culture where she may be used to having servants doing some things that she now needs to do herself.
ॐBoyGanesh 1 year ago
As per my other comment: the syntax seems SE Asian. Southern India popped in my head while reading.
Load More Replies... DrBronxx 1 year ago
ESH. Poor communication. I also have a small child and, while my wife has been on maternity leave, she's absolutely exhausted almost every day. So, when I come home from work, I am there to do whatever needs to be done. Our problem is that we both want to do stuff so we can give the other person a break. Our daughter is slightly older than OP's, and she is now a good sleeper at night, but in the past when she woke up crying, one of us got up to help her. Usually if one parent did it last time, the other does it this time. It didn't matter that I was working the next day, because my wife had a lot of work taking care of my daughter the next day as well. We BOTH have 24-h jobs.
Laura Smith 1 year ago
Your wife is lazy. She wants to be a stay at home wife. But she doesn't want any of the responsibilities at goal on with it. She needs to go back to work...
Mistiekim 1 year ago
ESH except for the poor baby. These two need to get it together. Parenting is 24 hours no matter who works where or what. When he talks about interacting with the baby it sounds like a chore he is begrudgingly doing. It sounds like she was unprepared for what SAH meant (or at least what it meant in his eyes). In the end the only person that’s really going to suffer is their child.
BreAnn East 1 year ago
Sahm is child And house/meal care. She used the baby to not work. She had no clue. Both are awful. Poor child.
Load More Replies... Wendy Marcus 1 year ago
I gave up a career to be a SAHM. It might sound weird, but my husband and I sat down and wrote out who would do which job. I made dinner, he did the dishes. He mowed the lawn and I took the cars into be repaired. I did all childcare during the day and all of the house work. He vacuumed. I was vacuuming the stairs one day when I was 8 months pregnant with the second. I started having contractions. I called the OB. She said quit vacuuming the stairs. To this day he does the vacuuming. The youngest is 27. At night we split it. Worked for us because we worked it out together and it was very clear.
Chez2202 1 year ago
It sounds as if you have a good man there and he has a good woman. I was always going back to work after having my child and the original plan was for my partner to be the stay at home dad. Our child was only 10 weeks old when I returned to work and my other half lasted 2 weeks and I know he spent most of that time at his mum’s house. We agreed he would go out to work too and we paid a family member to take care of our child when we were working. I could not have been a SAHM. I admire most people who are able to do it but not those who think that their partner should work a full day then take over the childcare as soon as they get in from their paid occupation.
Load More Replies... Gavin Johnson 1 year ago
For the first year of my daughter’s life her Mum (my wife) stayed at home. When I was at work she was the primary carer, obviously, when I came home I mostly took over, I’d missed seeing my daughter! Plus Mum was breastfeeding and bloody tired! Being a parent is not easy, there are times when you are ridiculously tired, you are constantly trying to balance ‘normal’ life and this new thing that has no respect for sleep, meals, your favourite movie or you and your partner getting 5 minutes together to catch up. This guy sounds like he’s a control freak, a man who thinks he’s given her a job and has no understanding that every Mum needs time to recharge their batteries. I feel for the child and Mum!
Averysleepypanda 1 year ago
These two shouldn't have been married and certainly shouldn't have had kids together.
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