20 Y.O. Decided To Go Back To College, Found Out That Her Parents Spent All 30K They Saved Up For Her Education To Remodel Their Kitchen
There’s this expectation that once you finish high school, you’re supposed to apply for a college or a university. Or in some cases, you might take a gap year to figure out what the heck you want from life, but eventually you’re supposed to go to get your higher education degree.
Well, with tuition prices not really getting any easier to overcome, and in a world where most think a degree isn’t all that important anymore because skills are king, you’d be surprised how many people still pursue college.
And that’s a good thing.
The not-so-good thing is the varying degrees of hurdles and challenges you need to overcome just to be in college. Like if your parents suddenly say that they no longer have a college fund for you. Why? Because you quit. But you never said you wouldn’t be coming back. Well, too late, the parents already blew it all away on a brand new kitchen.
More Info: Reddit
While it’s good that a lot of folks want to pursue a higher education, tuition often becomes the main problem in this journey
Image credits: Jeffrey (not the actual image)
A husband and a father of 2 recently turned to Reddit for some perspective on a conflict he had with his daughter. You see, the daughter is 20 years old and has taken a year off from college. She dropped out saying that it just wasn’t for her. Instead, she went to work at her boyfriend’s family restaurant.
So, the parents now had an extra 30,000 plus US dollars on their hands, originally to be used for the daughter’s tuition. And since she wasn’t going to college, hey, free money to be spent on other things, right?
Wrong.
And what makes it harder is when your parents decide to annul your college fund and reinvest all that money into… a kitchen
Image Credits: u/Particular-Bar9216
Image credits: Rafael Antonio (not the actual image)
The parents decided to go ahead and do some renovating in the kitchen. But then the daughter came back, having exhausted her work opportunities after her relationship did not work out well, and decided she could go back to college. Except there was no more college fund for that, leaving the daughter shocked.
In the parents’ defense, the dad claims they had a conversation with her about this very thing. The daughter did actually ask for access to her college fund, but it was a hard nope from the parents as it was to be used strictly for college. And if she were to leave college, the consequence of it was that she would lose it.
At that moment, the daughter thought it was a mere bluff. She still insisted her parents help her with the tuition fees, but between her brother, the already new kitchen, and the parents’ retirement fund, there wasn’t much money left for her any more.
The daughter was surprised that her college fund had been repurposed and a conflict ensued between her and the parents
Image Credits: u/Particular-Bar9216
Image credits: Mario A.P. (not the actual image)
One attempt to convince her community college plus a job is a good alternative later, the daughter got upset, leading to the dad getting upset. The dad’s take on it is that she done goofed up and she was offered alternatives, and now she has to deal with it, whereas the daughter’s take seems to be that the parents should have kept the money for an occasion like this.
But unlike most stories that find themselves in the Am I The A-Hole community, folks were more polarized in their opinion on who really messed up in this situation. Folks were seemingly either siding with the parents, or with the daughter, but never defaulting to everyone being at fault.
On the one hand, folks blamed the parents for their lack of foresight as parents—she’s 20, relationships don’t last sometimes, and gap years are a thing. On the other hand, folks took into consideration the dad’s claim that they had communicated thoroughly about it, and she couldn’t have known what would happen.
And folks were torn about this: some sided with the parents, while others sided with the daughter and there seemed to be no in-between
None of this would have probably happened if not for the notoriously high cost of studying in the US. According to The Best Schools, a comprehensive resource to help students make informed and beneficial decisions regarding college and studies, it’s a long story why tuition fees are as high as they are.
The short version is increasing demand for education, decreasing state funding, growing cost of administration, logistics, and support of amenities, and increasing financial aid. What makes it worse is that there isn’t much that folks can do about these particular factors, but there are certainly some things that people can do.
Namely, government loans, scholarships, online studies, free education programs, studying abroad (preferably in a country with lesser or no tuition fees), and even small things like getting a part-time job and being responsible with your money can all work wonders in combination and moderation.
But, back to the topic at hand. The Reddit post got quite a bit of attention, garnering nearly 14,000 upvotes, 4,000 comments and making headlines on some online news outlets.
So, what are your thoughts on this? Do you agree with the parents and think the daughter now has to deal with the consequences of her own actions, or is it the daughter who had the right to take a break without the parents assimilating her study budget to fund a kitchen and then be protective of their retirement fund? Let us know in the comment section below!
If I saved money for my daughter, then took it for myself, I'd feel like a thief.
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. I agree, they saved money FOR her, then blew it once she decided on something else. EDIT: I am fully aware that parents are not obligated to pay their child's way, but for them to promise aid and then immediately retract that promise in petty revenge is deplorable behavior.
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I know kitchen remodels can get very expensive quickly, but $30,000.00 seems excessive when you don't feel you will be financially sound come retirement. Seems to me these parents were just mad their daughter chose to follow her own path instead of the one they created for her and decided to punish her the only way they could. If I had saved the money for my child's education I wouldn't have given it to him/her for other purposes at 18, like the daughter requested, but would have continued to save it and if my child chose not to return to college would have helped him/her with buying a home or helped in some way that would make my child's life that much easier.
Sometimes the problem is making your child's life easier. You are not doing them any favors you are just creating useless adults. I know it doesn’t seem that way but struggling builds a person up. Making a decision and having to follow the consequences of that decision is important. If your parents decide not to believe you and keep that money cause they know that you will one day reconsider that mean’s they don’t take you seriously and your c**p decision now can all be erased because your parents just took that consequence away for you. What have you really taught your kid? Mama and papa will bail you out so you might as well throw Caution to the wind. Some decisions you don’t get to undue as casually as you made them. Now if she wants to go to college she can live at home and get a job. She’s not entitled to anything.
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The problem is that everyone feels the parents should foot the bill for kids lives until they are 50 or some s**t. This is getting out of hand. They warned her and talked to her, she made her decision. They gave it a year and even protected the money from her. If they had given in and let her have it it would be gone anyways. They aren't assholes, they aren't omnipotent. 30k on a kitchen remodel is a drop in the bucket, especially if it's an old kitchen. It was their money to begin with so they can do what they want with it.
I agree that there's definitely a limit, but 20 is a far way off from 50, and going to college without help from parents is getting increasingly difficult, especially since kids are preoccupied with other schooling just before starting college which makes it hard to save up enough for college since you're pretty much limited to part time. She definitely made a bad decision, and shouldn't have assumed that her college fund was safe, but the parents should've been lenient, this is likely the hardest and most confusing part of her life so far
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Looks like a number of people responding have no idea how much a kitchen renovation can cost. Also, why shouldn't OP & his wife's retirement goals include a renovated kitchen?
Probably because a renovated kitchen isn't something one can't live without. It's a luxury, not a necessity.
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I'm sure there was more going on that what they tell us when the daughter dropped out, but damn. If you saved all that money, intending for her to have it for college, give her at least a little grace period to realize her mistake. She took a year off then wanted to try again, that was probably a really good idea to help give her direction. Also, If the parents are behind on saving for retirement, they probably shouldn't spend 30k on a remodel.
It's because she didn't listen. They tried to warn her and she had decided she was going to drop out and move in with a boyfriend and not invest her time in her future. Then she asked for the money because she knew it was there, and they warned her again, no the money is for college and only for college and if you don't go to college we are going to spend it on other things. With this she did not say okay I'm going to go to college then, because they wouldn't have spent it if she had. If you don't want to listen to your parents good advice then you're not entitled to the benefits of your parents good decisions. Period. If she respected her parents she would have heeded their warning. It's a very American idea that you should chase after your adult children's mistakes and make it better. Then we wonder why we have so many immature 30 year olds.
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I'm with the parents on this one. Daughter did not "take a year off". She dropped out to start her life with her boyfriend and when that didn't work out backtracked. Who's to say she won't do that again? She had the opportunity, was forewarned and squandered it. 20 years old is old enough to have a working brain.
She very much could have taken a year off considering covid started in 2020 and sent students home from school with no warning
Load More Replies... NTA, her choice had a consequence and now she has to live around that consequence. It’s not like she can’t go to school. She just can’t take the easier road to do that anymore. If anything if you caved and paid for her school you are setting a bad example for your son. She can still go to school, but because she decided to drop out and didn’t believe you when you said you will spend the money on something else now she has to move back in, get a job and go to a community college. Nothing wrong with that road. It may be harder for her but it will make her consider her decisions in the future more wisely and it will let your son know that dropping out is not a great idea. Also if she had just said she needed a year to decide what she wants you wouldn’t have spent the money. But she said it wasn’t for her and dropped out. That’s on her. You respected her decision enough to believe her, now respect it enough to let her follow it through. She will be a better human for it.
I cannot believe that some of you are actually saying that these parents are wrong. Sounds to me like they taught her Lil entitled a*s something that college never could. They saved the $ for her to go, she went, and she bailed on the opportunity and she QUIT! She made that choice. It wasnt as if when it came time to go the parents had just blown the money and didnt mention anything until the last moment. She was told the money would be spent if she dropped out of college and moved out. She assumed that her parents were bluffing, but they were not...Period! That money was not her money, it was the parents money to do with as they see fit. By the looks of some of these comments on here, there seems to be an abundance of spoiled a*s entitled Lil brats on here, and even worse, the parents of some.
So helping your child have a successful future is entitled? I don’t understand how making your children suffer at the drop of a hat is parenting but it makes sense since your part of the me generation that was handed a glowing economy to screw up for us and project all your flaws on others
Load More Replies... NTA. She dropped out. They told her they would use the money for other things if she did. I recall being young and stupid but by 20 if I f****d up I knew it was my problem. I mean I was happy if anyone offered to help me out but didn't expect it.
She did drop out, but they could have at least waited 3 years before deciding it was permanent. One year is waaaaaay too soon to spend the money.
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They did what they said they would do. What is her problem? She should have listened. Her poor choice gave her poor results. Actually, it may be one of the best life lessons she will ever learn.
Ok. Now let's get real. Parents do what they can and when their efforts are refused then choices have consequences. They new if she had access to it when she was moving in with her boyfriend it would have been wasted. What a windfall for her and her boyfriend. Now her parents who had saved and planed for her education got it thrown back in their face, decided to use their hard earned money on the home front. Now the daughter is doing the pity me trip that she didn't get the money handed to her on a platter. How about a job, scholarships, loans, grants and put herself through college? It burns me the way parents go into debt for kids college education. They have already loved, encouraged, and nurtured them through the first 12 grades and prepared them for life as an adult. Now the kids are adults let them act like one. These parents deserve to get on with their retirement years. They didn't steal the money from her, she refused their gift.
You are very out of touch to think you can work your way through college these days. $30,000 would not have been enough to cover more than two years tuition at our local state university, and she won't qualify for grants or much in the way of low interest loans with their income. It was their money and their call, but it's disingenuous to act like it can all be solved with a little hard work.
Load More Replies... My parents didn't save anything for me, and I'm not upset with them for that. Would it have been nice? Sure. But my parents aren't rich and are terrible with money planning. So the fact that these parents did save money for their daughter and she chose to not go to college... Well I don't think she had a right to that money. Still sucks for the daughter though, but I don't think the parents are the AH.
Why does anyone think that their parents OWE them a college degree? You want free tuition? Join the military and EARN it.
Probably because they can relate cause it happened for them. They are arguing for themselves in the end because they don’t want to sound entitled about it while at the same time being so.
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She has been told that it will be used for something else, therefore NTA. I feel like the parents could have waited a year or tell her before using the money, but in the end she has been warned.
The amount of people who feel a 20 year old is *entitled* to 30k dollars in tuition from their parents (money that said kids never earned) is absolutely shocking.
Overall ita the parents money and its the parents decision on how to use it. They set it aside, she decided to drop out. They even told her what the consequences would be. In today's world, 30k won't get you a 4 year degree so might as well take out some student loans. Kids thinking their parents money is theirs is kinda funny. People thinking the parents should have sat on 30k for an indefinite about of time are nuts. She forfeited the amount years before.
Can we stop trying to recreate Reddit on BP? Enough with the plagiarising their content.
Wait, people are plagiarising here? Oh my goodness, they didn't take a hint. Tbf, both are in the wrong. The parents could've wait longer if she truly meant for dropping out, that poor women. I'm also young as her (I'm younger than her) but I've learned how to be independent since my mother is narcissistic and abusive, I couldn't care less about it (I also had to heal myself from her overly draining talking about she's the best than the whole family)
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Here is the issue (depending on where they live.) Until a child is 22-23, the parents finances are taken into consideration when the child applies for federal student aid...which is an option for her. She was not even 20 when she made the decision to drop out of college. I agree with others that she needed time to find herself. But I also agree that all the facts were laid out for her before she walked out the door. Now she's got "buyer's remorse" and wants Mom and Dad to bail her out. She made her bed, she should lie in it. But the parents could help her by making sure they do not claim her as a student dependent and let whatever college she goes to know that they are footing the bill for her at all. She may even qualify for grants and work-study if she plays her cards right.
On the flip side, they now have $30k less in assets so their expected contribution is now less, so she would qualify for more assistance.
Load More Replies... At least when she moves back home, she can really appreciate the 30 grand kitchen to its fullest. /s To be clear: if you set it aside for the kids, and name it like that, it’s for the kids. Aside from education, could also have been (even partly) a starting capital for a good business idea, study or work abroad fund, or something.
That's not what they put the money aside for. It is their rules. They named the rules. It wasn't as if it was a secret to the daughter. When she asked they explained it to her. It's up to them how they want to set that up for their kid. She knew the parameters. No one should be surprised or upset that they followed through with what they said they would do if she did what she did. She didn't get to choose the way. She can accept their money on their terms or she can do anything she wants to do in the whole world on her dime. That is fair.
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It was a conditioned gift. That condition expired, no longer entitling her to the gift. Seeing as it is undergraduate school, she can get some great loans. I did community college to UC to law school all with loans. If she is determined, she can do it. NTA
Her parents are making enough money to save at least $60,000 for the kid's college. She's not going to get much in loans, they'll be capped below tuition cost. And even if she did, chances of her being able to pay them off are pretty low, unless she also goes to law school. The impact of what her parents chose will last decades for her, which is their choice but OP is pretty flippant about it.
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I'll just leave it at a partial ESH. OP could've warned her that she had a grace period of maybe 1-1 1/2 years to change her mind or the money would be going into something else. That way, the daughter will have a clear time frame to decide what she wants and act on it. That being said, she also shouldn't be depending wholly on the 30k because she is technically an adult and her actions have consequences. She decided to drop out at first for boyfriend reasons and when that went south, she didn't like her options. The daughter ought to at least be reminded that while yes, the money was set aside for your education, your poor choices shouldn't burden your parents with having to save for your rainy days.
Why does anyone think that their parents OWE them a college education? You want free tuition? Join the military and EARN it.
You don't pay rent where you live? Are you unaware that rent is your largest expense when you're on your own and not leeching off your parents? Do you think it doesn't cost Mommy and Daddy money to keep you warm at night, your Internet connected so you can play Fortnite and the fridge stocked with Capri sun? Little Tunky you're embarrassing yourself on the internets... What would your Fortnite buddy's think of you
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It's weird to me that people in the USA usually pay for their kid's degree, where I live people often don't have the money to make ends meet let alone to save. I've been toying with the idea of going to college but I know it's ultimately impossible for me, if not for the lack of support for autistic people going to college, for my parents can't pay for it and neither can I being someone who can't work.
It's not usual in US. It's mostly the wealthy that do it and it doesn't really help their children because they all become useless self entitled little snobs like you see in these comments
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I think YTA for spending it on a kitchen makeover instead of investing it in your retirement fund.
Spending $30k on a kitchen Reno now will avoid spending double that later when water damage left unfixed has rotted joists, cabinets are too old to refurb, etc.. So yeah, what was that about investigating for retirement? And $30k DOES NOT pay for some fancy dream kitchen. That's just barely entry level cost where I live in the US. Average would be closer to $50 - 60k.
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I dropped out of college. My dad was so mad, he bought himself a couch for 3000. Then I found another study and he was so happy that I wanted to study, that he paid it. He was a teacher.
NTA. Single mom here. My daughter graduated high school and hen got accepted to Temple Univ, Chapel Hill, etc. I told her that she was expected to pay and that it didn't make any sense to spend a boatload of money to live away from home when we have a very good local college. I would provide a place to live and food, and she could work and pay for school. She chose local college. A year later, NY son graduated and was given same choice, and he also chose local college. Fast-forward 6 years. They have both graduated with 4-year degrees, no student loans/no debt, she has a great job already making $66,000/ year and has bought a home, has her car paid off, and he worked his butt off and has moved to Italy for graduate school. They both thank me for making them figure it out themselves. They are way ahead of many of their peers who had everything given to them but have no idea how to accomplish anything themselves.
This is what a lot of the YTA sayers don't understand. My parents couldn't afford to pay for my college but also gave me extremely practical advice. They raised a household of children who listened to and respected them. At this point we all out earn what my parents did at our age. Our households all make over $100,000 and mine is the only dual income home. We are all married to our first spouses, generally happy in our relationships, jobs, and personal lives. No one has been in any legal trouble. The most important thing parents can give their children is well rounded thinking and accountability, not money, not dependence on your parent's income. Being of sound mind and sound decisions. That lasts a lifetime. If you coddle kids it's much harder for them to become healthy adults.
Load More Replies... I can't choose one side but I'm guessing both. The two are both wrong and right in here, let alone Their daughter lives with her boyfriend after dropping out. Her parents just outright took their money for remodeling the kitchen after she did so. In another case, the parents wish death themselves for trashing their relationship with their daughter and the daughter had to deal with big consequences. As I said, both are in the wrong. I understand she needs time whether that was her decision or not but this "dropping out" is an everlasting action, something that you can't change unless you desired to. It's like fate, I know she's a young adult but looks like karma hits her without her knowledge. Like it or not, you're going to work hard to come back to study at College. The parents chose the hard way, and that means she's going to take that route for her mistake. I've learned the hard way too since my mother is narcissistic and abusive, life is full of surprises, be prepared
I say she changed her mind about college - which she had a right to do. The parents changed their mind about giving a gift once it was basically, intentionally left on the table - as they equally had a right to do. Can't be 'wrong' when deciding what to do with what's 'yours.' Daughter simply needs to reconfigure her plan as we ADULTS often have had to throughout life. There are always consequences.
I had new kitchen cabinets quoted, nothing fancy, and even with 20% off they were still 20k. Uninstalled, no counters. Building costs in the US are off the charts right now. That being said, I would have waited until they were 24, the age kids are kicked off their parents insurance here, had a conversation, and then released the funds back to myself.
My brother was married with two kids at 24. Maintained and continues to maintain his home on his own just fine.
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YTA. Anyone with an ounce of foresight would realize that your daughter would still need education or training once she understood the realities of life and matured. Blowing it on a kitchen Reno was incredibly shortsighted. I think you did it to punish her for not doing what you wanted. Your wife is right. And if your retirement isn’t on track, kitchen Reno’s aren’t the way to go. You might want to consider a second job.
OR, the daughter can get her OWN job. Parents shouldn't have to slave away at 2 jobs while their adult children daydream about "someday". Someday is today. Get to work. It's one thing to *help* your young adult kids, it's another to extend their childhood by continuing to provide for them completely, as their learned helplessness grows.
Load More Replies... The daughter is so lucky to have loving parents that save 30K for education fund. Other people will need to work, save and study to attend colleague. My parents did not pay for my colleage and even spends the money I have saved and never returned it. She passed her chance when she dropped of colleague to follow the boy. It was the parents hard earn money, they can use whatever they like since she decided to drop off. There is no use to fight over the money that is no longer there since the parents are no longer working as well. She will need to work and earn the fund to go to school like everyone else. Chance does not come twice so next time hopefully she uses her chance carefully.
Not the a$$h[le. His money. He saved it. Not her. The brother stayed in college. She didn't. If she doesn't want to go to a community or state college then she can join the military. They will give her a trade and she can use her GI bill for college later
I don't get the YTA crowd. Since when do you have a god given right to a college degree. That money was never hers. She didn't earn it. She expected it to be given to her no strings attached by virtue of being their daughter. They even told her she was up a creek if she dropped out and she decided to anyway. I don't get this sense of entitlement when it comes to money that you didn't make.
the parents offered, the daughter turned it down. End of story. The money was NOT hers in the 1st place. The money BELONGS to her parents. the daughter DECIDED to move to her boyfriend and work there. The parents ADVISED AGAINST it but she insisted. She FORFEITED her chance to continue her education. The parents have NO obligation to keep the money for her.
ESH...the daughter clearly made some bad choices. BUT the condition the parents gave of her losing her entire college fund the moment she decides to bail from college was kind of harsh and short sighted. Not everyone is ready for 4 (or more) years of school after graduating from high school (after having spent 12-13 yrs of their life as a student already). They should have said something like...."we'll hold the money for 1 year, give you time to figure things out. If after a year you still thing college isn't for you, we use the money as we see fit." That would have been more reasonable.
It's easy to judge in hindsight. The father could have also said if she drops out thet wouldn't find her boyfriend and his families bodies and prevented this entire conversation from happening. She'd also be half way through college
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The kid was an idiot, and although the parents shouldn't feel obligated to pay for her college it is something of a d**k move to spend so much money so quickly on something that is so trivial.
Remodeling a Kitchen is not trivial. Having a house is not trivial. So why is it trivial to fix or improve the house they will live and die for the rest of their lives?
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When you pay for your kids education or a car or a house. They tend to not appreciate it as much as they would if they paid for it themselves. The first car my parents bought me I blew the motor up within 4 months cause who the eff needs to check the oil lol. My second car I paid for and its still running.
This doesn't apply to everyone. I've known plenty of people who don't take care of anything whether they paid for it or not. Also know some folks that take care of every little thing and use it for as long as they can because they are grateful to have anything-whether they paid for it or not.
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Please don’t downvote others because you disagree. If it’s racist, misogynistic, mean and nasty then yes go for it. But simply downvoting because you disagree is silly. The Pandas get minus 10 and suspended for nothing. Let’s be nice. If you’re a VBP (Very Bored Panda) then scroll and give others an uppie!
My whole original account got suspended forever for this reason. So it seems to be a thing.
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I put myself thru college, starting with community college. It can be done and easily if they are fronting the cost of living for her. She made her choice, knowing the repercussions and they made theirs. Live and learn, sometimes life is harsh. It is a good learning experience for her. Remodels especially where appliances are concerned is costly, but in the end it doesn't matter. They could have taken a cruise to Ireland, she knew the price and needs to learn not everything in life has "do overs". She still has a "do over" option, only requires slightly more work. I'm sure if she sat with them and said this is how much I made and I'm still short on tuition or supplies, the parents won't waste any time dipping into the retirement to help. She just has to show an effort. It's my generation's fault that the millennials are messed up. Most were not held responsible for poor choices when they were young. To the parents, if there is any college money left, take a vacation with it.
Nobody's taking into account the fact she already dropped out of college once, so she blew a semester's tuition money once already. They're also going on about how she only took a gap year. Who knew it was only 1 year? She had told her parents college wasn't a good fit for her. Her parents told her she was only getting those funds for tuition and that they would use it for something else if not her tuition. That being said redoing the kitchen in the first year is a bit preemptive. Kids are stupid and they do make bad decisions. Again though she has the option of moving in and not paying rent which is amazing, and if I were the parents I wouldn't pay for anything more than community school because she may decide it's not for her again! I know plenty of kids who got their Associates at community, their Bachelors at state, and then went on to get Masters or Doctorates and they racked up much lower costs than if they'd started at Princeton for that Doctorates....
I remember a similar deal where my family would pay for my tuition as long as I did well and didn't stop out. Well, I screwed up, partied and dropped out. A year later I went back only this time, I had to work and take out loans. Amazingly enough when it was all coming out of my own pocket, I graduated with a 4.0 GPA. The entire experience taught me a lesson in personal responsibility I would never have learned any other way. I've been an electrical/software engineer for 25 years now. I love my family. I am grateful today for the tough love back then as they could have paid at any time. (the money was always there) I'd have never graduated with honors if they hadn't made me do it myself.
It was poor communication by both sides. The daughter made it clear that she had enough. They all agreed it could be used for something else. They parents had a year to discuss what to do since she refused it. Daughter was blind to any possibilities. She just assumed that mummy and daddy would do like they always do sacrifice for her. Wrong. Mummy and daddy finally thought more about preparing for their future comfort after their saved money was rejected. Parents are humans too who realize that their future needs need to be taken care of. She had her chance and blew it big time. Now maybe she will make something of herself because it will be hard earned and not a handout. My opinions
It is no surprise that the parents used their hard earned money to renovate the kitchen. The daughter did make it sound like she was not going back to college. She rejected everything. I When you have a hard earned lump of money after presenting to it to someone who rejects it, you tend to use it for something you dreamed of all along. The parents dont owe the spoiled brat a dime. They saved. They presented it and it was given up no matter what they said and it was agreed upon. The brother is going to college and will be using what was saved for him. The daughter should have stated that she intended to go back. She did not. She said she had enough. She probably never heard of a gap year. It wasnt a gap year to her. It was the end of going to college and attempt to do something else. How long are parents supposed to put their lives on hold for young adults? She made her bed and has to lie in it. Her option to try Community college and get a part time job. Apply for whatever she ca
Wow! Just wow! This exact same thing happened to me and my little sister. My parents were very clear that if I stopped attending, they would stop paying. I stopped for a year and went back AND paid for it myself. You are so NTA. First, your daughter was lucky that you had a college fund for her. I work in higher education and this is not the case with most young folks. Second, you and your wife were very clear with the consequences for stopping, and she said college wasn’t for her. I’m sure you were upset, but that was her choice as a young adult. Unfortunately, young adults make crappy decisions sometimes and must live with the consequences of those crappy decisions. Second, if you and your wife did come back and bail her out of her crappy decision, then what are you teaching her? It is ok to make a decision against the wise counsel of people who love her and not be made to own up to that decision. It was your money. Doesn’t matter how you spent it.
On one hand, you already spent a ton of money on her college, if she doesnt finish then that money is just wasted. You should have kept the money and if she went back, use it for that, and if she didnt then you would be better off when retiring. Spending 30k on a kitchen when you say you cant help her now becauase your behind your retirement goal sounds rediculous. College is an investment, and should be treated as such. You invested in your kids future, and then it seemed like it might not pay off, so you pulled. Now that it has the chance to pay off, you spent the money. Ultimately, I think you made very poor decisions with your money. In the other hand, it is your money and you have the right to do whatever you chose with it. She is not entitled to a single cent from you toward her college. The decision to finish at a community college could go either way. It largly depends on how much she already completed. All that matters in the end is where you get your degree from, which is why it is often the smartest decision to do the first 2 years at community college and then transfer for the last two years. If she already completed more than 2 years it is probably not a good idea to transfer, you will need about 2 years of credits from a scho before they will give you a diplome - so if you have more than two years of transfer credits you will still have to pay for 2 years worth of credits. Graduating from community college will make the extra you already paid for state school a waste, but will also save you the extra you would pay to continue at.a state school vs going there. I guess in the end it depends on how muxh more valuable a degree from a state achool would be.
well its not her money, it never was, its a savings account her parents made in case she wanted to study, she said she didnt.. well now be an adult about it and pay it yourself.. i dont get all the whining...you can work and goto school. Shes 20 yo, time to grow up
The funds were saved up BY the parents. Their blood, sweat, time and tears went into this savings. It is a good life lesson for their daughter to know the value of a dollar. She decided to drop out and there are consequences to bear. She may not like it but in the long run, she will hopefully appreciate her education and commitment even more.
YTA. I went to college at 18 yrs old. I said it Wasn't for me. A year later, I went back. I got my degree with high grades. Took time off after college to pursue music. Met a guy, got married. Then had a child. I decided to use my degree. I worked at my intended career, then went to graduate school, had a 4.0 in grad school. And had another child. You messed up as parents not seeing that your daughter was young and confused. That money should have been sitting there for her. And If she never used it, you should have given it to her to help start her young life. You saved it up for her. Remodeling your kitchen with it was selfish and uninsightful. You have a nice kitchen , good for you, and now you have a daughter who is very hurt and angry And will not forgive you, ever. Even if she decides to talk to you again, that selfish decision you made. Will hurt your relationship for LIFE, but your KITCHEN is nice.
Nta. Your funds to do as you pleased. She chose to drop out. You explained the consequences. Not your problem she thought you were bluffing. Welcome to reality. Btw, my brother worked full time and took night classes. Took 10 years but he received his bachelor degree. He paid as he went.
All three of my children, my wife and I made them pay half of their college expenses. We covered the rest. Occasionally more as in provided a car and insurance. That deal was only when in college. All my children graduated with zero debt. University level education. They sought grants and earned monies with jobs. They don't make excuses...all three are self employed like their Father and Mother are.
There's a lot of information missing here...after high school student graduated, what kind of things were said between kid & parents? Did parents ask if kid was going to college next? If so, did kid then say, "...not interested"? If so, then deal is off with college fund and remodeling the kitchen is a fabulous idea for parents! We don't know how this situation went from A to Z...so comments are baseless!
Their only mistake was not making it clearer that the choice she made at the time meant forgoing the money. If daughter thought it was a bluff, she isnt used to "no" meaning no. Clear expectations always yield better results. That said, no one is entitled to another person's money. The daughter can do what many of us have done: put yourself through school. The world, including your parents, doesn't owe you something for nothing when you are a grown adult.
You're nta, because you warned her, and put it to good use. But... If you spent $30,000 on a kitchen remodel, you were taken! It sounds like you went on a spending binge! You at, for going crazy with the money. You could have got it remodeled, had enough to leave in the fund. Teens, are not the best at making life discissions! She was 19 when she dropped out. You should have known, she may change her mind later. Instead of jumping on the money like a very greedy person, you should have thought it out better. Like, asking her, do you think you will go back at a later date.
I’m conflicted, I want to say NTA, she fked up and chased dck instead of her education, that’s her problem. She’s 20, not 2. On the other hand, that money was always meant for her and her education, but again, it IS their hard earned money. YTA, because who the heck spends 30k on a fricken kitchen remodel? Replacing a few things, sure, but 30,000!? BYE!
You saved up $30,000 for your Daughter, not including whatever money you have saved for your son, what if your son did the same thing, would you blow all his tuition on something ridiculous, and no remodel would cost as much as 30k unless your redoing foundation work, so yes you are infact a 100% certified a**hole.
I think the parents were wrong...if she came back 5 years later...it would be different ...but 1 year...no. they should offer to help with her college...her pay half thru loans and grants and they pay half. You can't be ready for retirement when you haven't finished raising your kids. How long before you retire...?
It's their money, they can do whatever they want with it. Remodels are NOT cheap by the way. And at the end of the day IT IS AN INVESTMENT into the house when they go to sell when they retire. Children have no entitlement to their parents money. This is the issue! How are the parents supposed to trust she will stay in school this time. IMO would be a gamble if they did drop that 30k and then she ended up quitting again. Parents can do as they please with THEIR money. The audacity to ask for the money whilst living with boyfriend is mind blowing.
Both parties are at fault. First, the daughter. And NOT for dropping out of school, and making youthfully dumb decisions. Life is about taking risks, this time, she gambled and lost it's for her entitled brattish attitude. It IS her parents' money and she didn't have to ever know it existed But, she did. Because they told her that it was for her education Because of this, I hold the parents most accountable. She thought they were bluffing. What in the childhood full of idle threats and empty ultimatums IS this? I mean, I believed my parents, because they said what they meant/meant what they said. Did they even try to guide the girl? They could have actually adviced her to take even a set period of time off (a year or two) to weigh her options and then revisit. Behind on retirement they say! Seems smarter, that if you're going to retract the funds, to put them towards the shortfall. They express similar decision gaps as the girl. Hope the relationship is repairable.
The parents are within their rights to do with the money what they want, but the tone and speed with which they did so smacks of vindictiveness to me. So be it. As many people here have pointed out, their children aren't entitled to anything... I hope just they remember that sentiment when they're older and dependant on others. Sometimes the "lessons" you teach come back to haunt you.
Both parties are at fault. First, the daughter. And NOT for dropping out of school, and making youthfully dumb decisions. Life is about taking risks, this time, she gambled and lost it's for her entitled brattish attitude. It IS her parents' money and she didn't have to ever know it existed However, she did because they told her, and it was for her education Because of thise, I hold the "mature" adults most accountable. She though they were bluffing. Just how many times did they use empty threats while raising her that she learned not to believe what they say (I mean, I believed my parents, because they didn't do bluffing, idle threats or promises)? Secondly, did they even try to guide the girl, perhaps actually advicing her to actually take off some set period of time (a year or two) to weigh her options, with some guidance (sounds like they had more of an issue with her leaving school than living with her boyfriend); then revisit? There's too much with no room to unpack all this.
honestly it was both like 30k in one year and you have retirement goalas like at least Dave it for your retirement if not your daughterr??? but like at the same time the daughter made the choice to drop out and move in with her bf. BUT it was only for a year and she's 20, she still needs guidance but like she dropped out on her own BRUH IDK 😭 I think they both could have like done more communicating and talked to the daughter about the remodel?
DEFINITELY THE A-HOLE! You could've used half that amount and still helped your daughter. Sounds like you don't have a lot of faith or trust in your daughter. Hope the kitchen was worth it!
If the money was saved for the daughter to go to school and the parents spent it all on something for themselves the second the daughter didn't do what the parents wanted, it doesn't seem like the parents wanted her to choose to go to college but that they wanted her to do whatever they wanted her to do. Idk I think if you save money for your kid to go to college and especially let them know that that money is for them to go to college, unless you make some stuff clear before it's time for college, I think the money should sit aside unless there's an emergency if they kid decides not to go to college at first. If after like 2, 3 years the kid still hasn't decided to go to college, then the parents should be free to use it how they want because the circumstances they saved it for willingly are most likely not happening. But after a year? People take a gap year all the time, that's too short a time period to assume the kid will never go to college.
Honestly, had she been out for something like 3 years at 23 I could've understood. but let's face it, most people don't know what to do with their lives before even 25, I mean sure she is technically an adult but really? No leanancy? Immediately used the money on themselves then complain about " not having enough for retirement" had she decided to stay out another year then been warned about their finance troubles then put it to their retirement, maybe I could've understood. But no, they blew it on a new kitchen the moment it was cleared, that is a sign of greed to me, they didn't hesitate and took the first chance they could to spend it. Either it was greed, callousness, childish games, or any lack of common sense. Feel free to disagree with me but I think it's very obvious they weren't being great parents
If my daughter didn't want to use the money to go to college and i told her about what would happen and she still left, I'd feel fine about it. Whatever. She can live somewhere else. Tough love and tough luck.
30k for a kitchen remodel? That is literally insane. Id say a*****e just for that. But i know how to frame, hang cabinents, install tile and put a floor down so maybe thats just my inner self reliabilty cringing at how wastefull that is. Maybe dad should have learned how to swing a hammer cause he sounds as financially irisponsible as his 20 year old daughter.
30K for a kitchen remodel when you are behind on your retirement funds? That's excessive and extravagant. What did you do, add on to the house to make the kitchen bigger? That's beside the point. You should have waited at least a year for your daughter to try to figure herself out. What she did wasn't a "poor choice", it was spreading her wings and growing.
Something about this doesn't sound right to me. They are nearing retirement age and you want to remodel your kitchen. They're nearing retirement age and are not near their goals of saving. The daughter made a poor judgment the same way they did. Fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. Only in this instance we can allow her some leeway because of her age but her parents have no excuse. And giving her an alternative because they messed up, and won't admit it is telling.
Why do people act like being young is the only time people make mistakes or are irresponsible. Sounds like these are parents who have been saving responsibly for 20 years, got into an argument, and then messed up. Being 50 with kids doesn't suddenly make it not tempting to spend 30,000 that suddenly dropped in your lap, especially if you were already at odds with your daughter. Not saying its the right thing to do, but no reason to be so judgemental kids and finances are hard. Yes, they shouldn't have spent the money so quickly. Honestly, I bet they regret it and that's what the post was for. Doesn't make them an a*****e though.
I don't understand this idea that anyone, including your own kids are entitled to make mistakes and not have to live with them. My job as a parent is to teach you so you can live in the real world. If I teach and you don't learn, I did my part. Now you have to learn the lesson how you chose to learn it. That's actually part of the lesson. Next time you'll make better choices. The idea of parenting is not holding their hands forever, but to give them the tools they need to make their own choices and decisions. Kids are so quick to run off and "be an adult" in spite of you trying to do well by them. Then bring an adult means accountability for your choice to ignore the help I'd have given you for free.
I feel like ESH (bot more op)she did know what would happen, they told her, but the op's story doesn't make alot of sense $30000 is ALOT for a remodel, should have used it as retirement money if the really needed it.
Wow, I think ETA. Entitled daughter says she thought parents were bluffing when they told her they'd spend the money on something else (probably rightfully thought that because they never actually set boundaries for her in the first place). Parents say now they can't help because they are behind in their "retirement goals" but dropped 30k on a kitchen. Entitled parents raising entitled kids! Also punishing the daughter for making choices they didn't approve of rather than talking to her about her maybe changing her mind later. Nope, they expected her to go to college now or not at all. Smh. Obviously these people have never lived in poverty or they might've thought twice about spending what they saved for their daughters education in an age where even with a degree it's going to be hard to just get by. It is there money to do what they please but at the same time they could've handled the situation differently.
ETA. So, your daughter came out entitled and irresponsible and you're mad about it, huh? Why don't you take that up with the people responsible for that. You can find them in the mirror. She's bad with planning and terrible with money? You don't say! Wonder where she got those traits from?! Why don't we ask the people who didn't manage to save enough for their retirement but blew 30 THOUSAND DOLLARS on their kitchen how that happened! Your kids are just like you, but you praised your son for it while punishing your daughter. Gonna pretend I'm shocked by that. "We warned her we were going to blow that money on ourselves if she disobeyed us! Why is she so mad?" You helped blow her future for a kitchen. Don't be surprised if she never speaks to you again. You've proven you're unreliable and vindictive, obviously more traits you've passed on.
Thank you for writing a wall of text that screams his daughter is a mistake. Additionally, remodeling a kitchen is not a waste of money. It is called investment since house can be sold higher than the original price. If they wish not to sell the house, that's great. They can comfortably use the kitchen for the rest of their lives. Who cares if the daughter does not speak to them? 20 years old and still act like a spoiled brat after experiencing the REAL WORLD. Pathetic and utterly repulsive. If wish to be a parent, I highly recommend that you don't breed. We don't need another people walking on a street who would not take no for an answer and always ask for a compensation for a very minor incovenience in life. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS is the right word for that.
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30k on a kitchen? Ridiculous and pathetic. They just wanted an excuse to use all that wonderful money. Who cares about the fact that, that money was literally their daughters doorway to a future? Obviously not them. Disgusting. I'll never touch my kids college funds. Thievery.
30K on a kitchen is not ridiculous. If you can provide free labor for remodeling the Kitchen, I would certainly agree with you but since you did not therefore you are ignorant when it comes to the cost of labor and materials. Wonderful money? It is the parent's money to begin with and with the intention for the daughter's education Daughter's future? You don't even know the course she takes and now you are telling me about her future. I find you utterly repulsive beyond belief thinking that their daughter is significant in life, which she is not.
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Idk. They did tell her prior to her dropping out that if she quit they would take the money back. That imo makes them NTA. Personally I think, they should have waited at least 2 years before spending the money. However, they are also only human. Parents make mistakes too. And, they did at least offer some alternatives as a way to kinda make up for it a little bit. If they are willing to cover all of her life expenses, like housing, utilities, transportation costs, food, etc., I don't think that's much different than paying the actual tuition itself. A financial help is financial help, period. It doesn't really matter where it comes from or what it goes to. If they are doing the best they can to make up for their lack of patience, then they are certainly NTA. Really nobody is TA here. Everyone here just made rash decisions and it caused a "well damn" situation for everyone involved. I'm sure the parents felt bad for spending it too. remorse says a lot in itself, about them as parents.
I find it amazing how few people who leave comments actually read and understand what they have read before they do.
Transitioning to adulthood is like taking the training wheels of a bike. Immediately afterward is when you’re most likely to do something dumb and hurt yourself. I feel like her parents said, “The training wheels are off, and where you ride or whether you hurt yourself is not our problem.”
College isn’t for everyone and if you saved money for your child’s future and they decided not to use it for college I feel like you stole the money if you ended up using it on yourself. Maybe she would change her mind or maybe as I stated college isn’t for everyone and $30k is a nice down payment for a home or to buy a new car. It’s a nice cushion to start the adult world. They didn’t even waste time spending it either.
Money was not for anything but school. Why are you under the impression it was her money to do something with if she didn’t want school?
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You have to accept the fact that your parents don't owe you anything. You are of legal age. Paid for college is great, no, no, look for another way out.
Exactly the daughter and most of these commenters should just be grateful they weren't aborted. I am
Load More Replies... I am definitely with the "YTA" crowd on this - 1 year is way too quick to decide that someone has quit college permanently. Now, if she had been away from school for 3-5 years, that's a another story... but 1 year is barely enough time to catch one's breath and think. It's like a "grace period" of sorts, a time not to make rash decisions.
You can get a pretty luxurious kitchen reno for that kind of money. They probably could have spent half that and still got a nicer more modern kitchen.
Not in the states or maybe I should say not in the Northeast. $30k won't get you the labor for a kitchen reno let alone materials too. Did you see the comment from the guy who said he got a quote for cabinets at 20% off with " nothing special" and the cabinets alone were $20k
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But they didn't actually "warn" her. She asked for the money when she moved out, and they told her it was for tuition and education only. They did not say "and kitchen remodels".
NTA you saved it for her college she said she didn't want to go you told her you would spend it she OK'd it and now is bi***ing you because of it.
The way I see it the daughter is the selfish one. She seems to assume that she is getting the $$ if she went to college or not. Then is mad to find out that's not the way it works. Her parents made the whole deal clear and she made a choice. A bad choice, but hers to make. The parents then went on to do exactly as they stated and used the money for something they had probably wanted / needed for themselves. End of story.
Oof. Ok. ESH, but mostly OP. I'm only not saying yta because OP and OP's wife did tell the daughter, but tbh she probably thought they were bluffing, I would've too
I've never understood this thing about people saving for their child's schooling after they are adults. In Australia, if you want to carry on going to school past high school, you pay for your own university fees.
Lemme explain something to all of you .Not everyone has financial stable parents. I was told I could never afford even community college. My dad worked all his life to save enough money to send me through school. He told me it was pointless to send my straight F brother to a 4yr. Instead he got sick & died. My mom gave my college fund to my brother rather than paying off our 40k medical debit.My brother failed out & my mom pushed him to re-enroll. He got BA in science in math, but completely wastes to be yoga instructor and job he likes. 30 yr old & still dependent on my mom who was depending on my income. I got my first job at 13.Graduated a tech school by 19, then failed, my teacher told me I was too weak & smart for factory work but couldn't afford a degree for desk job.For someone like me, I would've killed for a free ride, not dropout 1st month. I was R got pregnant at 20, disowned. Bought a house,car, got my mom out debt, now 25 going for a doctorate.Life hit me@13 NTA.
I find it crazy how parents pay for their kids college tuition. I graduated like a year ago and I had to take loans to pay for college. I think 30k on a kitchen renov is pretty excessive though. If she dropped out, thats ok imo, but she shouldnt have said college wasnt for her. Thats like a green light saying the parents can use the money. She shouldve said something like taking a year break to relieve the burnout or something. Also the fact that she didnt listen and moved out to live with her bf was a 5head move. Shes already living rent free (probably) with her parents, i dont see what moving out accomplishes.
I don't see a single comment on the fact that not only did she drop out, thats drop out not leaving between semesters as he stated a few months. The real story here would've been how she blew the 30k not on her education but with her boyfriend bc the one line in there where the father said "she requested access to it". That right there says enough to the tune of her entitlement to that money. The fact she expects them to still help is entitlement nothing more. On another note how dare anyone chastise the parents for spending 30k on a kitchen remodel. You have no information about the home they live in the condition of the home & how they came to own that home or the work to get there. If they spent 30k on it, that is a fairly large renovation but maybe they host gatherings with friends, maybe they plan on doing some catering service to get extra money for retirement, who knows. The point is it is their money, their home, & their lives. The father seems justified but still questioned it
If I saved the money then it's MY money! As a parent you're under No obligation to pay for college. If they decide not to go, and I use the money and change their minds later that's on them! This idea that it was somehow "not theirs to spend" is ridiculous
This dad lacks awareness and discernment. He's HER role model and a hypocrite for wanting her to make right choices about future, yet kids do more what they see than hear. He made a bad financial decision and was impulsive too as he spent money he repeatedly said was ONLY for her college in less than a year! Not wise either. She at 19 wanted a gap year to try another way after coming out of a pandemic and being pressured by her boyfriend likely. Her parents had to know she is like them and impulsive/has to experience error first hand and doesn't always stick to the plans like them. They didn't need a 30k reno on a kitchen when they needed to invest! They didn't need to p**s off and handicap their future caregiver. Duh! She doesn't need to move back with bad role models who can't grow. College is a four to five year thing and is not always done in one fell swoop. They had to know this, regret their choices, childishly shift blame and push for her to move back? Smh... How blind?
It was THEIR money all along the sacrificed their other desires for so it would be there. Is she decides school isn't for her, that's her choice. It's caked accountability. She made a choice, knowing the consequences, and played a game of chicken with her own life. Nothing is guaranteed in life, you should've expect anything for free from anyone. They are absolutely NOT the a*s#@le here. And 30k for a full kitchen Remodel is perfectly normal. Sounds like most questioning it don't have an idea what things cost... maybe because you have had things handed to you or can't afford it so never priced it. I never expected my parents to pay for my college and never asked either..I do however help my daughter by letting her stay in my house free, pay half her car insurance, pay for her car and some gas. However, if she expected that of me or told my she did, she would have none of it. 18 you're an adult, no one owes you a thing. Make your own way.
Both. The parents are NTA because they did warn the kid what would happen. Maybe they didn't stress the warning enough but they did apparently tell her that she would lose the tuition money if she didn't go to school. The parents ARE the AH b/c they sure did spend that money awfully fast ESPECIALLY for something cosmetic AND in light of the fact that they "can't help their daughter" now "because they're behind on their retirement saving"... ... ... The parents are full of bs and used the daughter's generic immaturity against her.
If people read it right he stated that they told their daughter that the money is for her college only and just for that. Than went to say basically threatening her if she leaves and go to live with her boyfriend they will be using the money. Trying to control your child is a big no no YTA you spent it out of spite. You was mad because she went to her boyfriends I am sure you didn't agree with him. That kitchen was fine it didn't have nothing wrong with it or you would have led with that. You and your wife sucks. I wouldn't be surprised if she never talks to y'all.. I hope you find love from your kitchen. I hope she succeed on her own and turn her head up on you.
I'm sorry but I done seen parents who saved money for their child's college never touched it for their selves after child decided not to go to college. If the child became successful without college they put the money up for the child's future children. Or if they choose to do drugs and stuff parents normally give the money to charity but only when child is around 30. These ppl has issues.
If the put money aside for her college under a 529 plan and spent it on anything else, there are tax repercussions/penalties for the parents. If the daughter was raised knowing there would be college money for her, it's pretty lame for the parents to take it back. If I were the daughter, I would resent that very much, especially with them paying for another sibling.
On the one hand, the parents did warn their daughter that they would spend the money elsewhere if she didn't continue college. They were the ones who saved up that money, so it is their right to reallocate it. On the other hand, the op says that he and his wife are behind on retirement goals and yet they spent the entire 30k? Shouldn't some of it have gone into the retirement account? Something isn't adding up here.
My issue with this is that kids brains don't stop developing until they're 25, which is when they finally really can foresee action and consequence. I took 2 years off before starting university, so I was 20 when I went. Working for a couple of years in customer service gave me the desire to do something better with my life and so I got straight As, got on the Dean's List and graduated with honours because my parents understood that I needed more time to grow up.and experience.the real world before going to university. And because they didn't spend the money remodeling their kitchen, it allowed me to live in residence and concentrate totally on school.
Mmmm... Tough tough decision : making a kitchen beautiful vs. Helping YOUR KID get an education that will elevate her life.. tough decision indeed.. of course YTA, is it even a question?! But certainly, enjoy your new kitchen walls.
Need more information. Can't figure out who's being manipulative. Inclined to believe the daughter is projecting her manipulative nature onto her parents, because she can't accept the consequences of her behavior. The post is silent about parental disappointment in shacking up with her pet mook. Also no sense if the parents had a history of making manipulative threats involving expectations and financial support. I always have trouble believing people over 40 really care whether they are perceived as As. Their participation always seems more a tool to persuade the other, younger party they ATA, by social media consensus.
She is a god dang adult making adult decisions. She made her bed and must now lay in it. People going around saying a 20 year old isn't an adult is ludicrous.
Big choices have big consequences. She disappointed herself when she dropped out of college to live with a man. Her parents going back on their word that she would loose funding should she drop out taught her a valuable lesson. These are loving parents. Next time she will treasure the good things that others do for her. I'm sure her parents will support her in other ways.
Nta. She said college wasn't for her, you made it clear the money was for her college or it reverts back to you (who earned it and saved it), and suddenly she's ready to go back to college?? That's some bs. Life is hard, she can figure out plan b, which can be community college, work and pay as you go, find an employer who provides tuition assistance, or On the job training. She will be fine, and enjoy the new kitchen! (Which $30k is nothing for a remodel).
People who say 20 is still a child when they expect to be treated like an adult just confuse the issue in their minds. The discussion took place that if she was adult enough to make the decision to drop out and work against parents advice and what the consequences would be then she has to live with said consequences. The attitude of entitlement and no repercussions when they have been made clear at the outset is a hard lesson but that is reality. The offer was made for assistance with a slight drop in expectations and rejected. Most other countries the students have loans and that's just how it is.
NTA, ultimately the money was a good will from her parents side (and still theirs and nobody elses), being aware about the probable future needs, thats called foresight, and decisiveness is a value that obviously their daughter lacks. She cant make decisions w***y nilly and expect the world to abide to her whims. knowing there was already money saved and the possibility of rescind it if she didnt went to college should have been a strong compel to take a deep foresight into her future and stick to her decision; at 20, if she expects her decisions to be able to walk back, then this is the final lesson of her childhood: "you have to be certain in what you choose and weight pros and cons to things in life that involve others, because the world is not out to take care for her; if her parents does that is out of love, not entitlement"
NOT TA. Parents clearly told her the money was for college. SHE de cider not to go. Money belongs to parents. As for kitchen remodel. What planet are you on to say 30k is a ridiculous price for a new kitchen? Have you not seen how high prices are now a days? Bottom line is it’s the parents money and they can spend it any way they want.
Solution for it is for dad and daughter to figure out for whatever decision both took since commenting is easy but saving 30k for daughter is love and hard work and dropping out of college and blaming parents is easy anyway
I agree with the parents 100% the money was put aside to help the daughter with her college education it's the parents money not the daughters so when the daughter drops out of school and says college isn't for her the parents made a decision to invest in their home adding value if they would decide to sell and down size when they retire is a sound investment. A $30 grand kitchen upgrade is very reasonable obviously most people who thinks this is over priced have never remodeled a kitchen. The parents offered her free housing so she could attend a community college is a great solution to the daughters bad decision. Young people have to learn there are consequences to their decisions.
Have these parents never heard of a gap year? It actually was a good decision on the Daughter's behalf to drop out early if she was feeling like something was off and she felt like what she was studying wasn't for her. Better to drop out early and take time yo figure out what you want to do in life than it is to stay in school studying and then realize in your third years after you are close to 100 thousand dollars in the hole that you don't really want to get a job in the field you're studying. So yeah... parents jumped the gun quite a bit here. And spending 30k remodeling a kitchen is probably one of the dumbest financial decisions they vould have made.
Not at all the AH. Girl is 20, is an adult and made the choice to go her own way. PARENTS ARE NOT REQUIRED TO PAY FOR COLLEGE under ANY circumstances. Parents can save for college and then later decide to use the money for other purposes. The girl did not do as parents advised, knew better then them and did her own thing. That is her right as an adult even if she makes bad choices. Welcome to adulthood! If you wish to go to college, get student loans and a part time job and pay for it yourself. Many, many, many people do that. Lesson learned, actions have consequences. You wanted to be an adult and make your own decisions, great, now grow up and live with the consequences of your actions!
There are consequences your decisions in life. The money belonged to the parents. They saved it not their daughter. She was warned what would happen. It was her decision to say college wasn't for her. Thats the problem with young people today they think they aren't responsible for their decisions. To bad for the daughter figure out your going to pay for your education. Your an adult now.
The people that are saying he's TA most likely are kids themselves or parents of entitled children. She did NOT take a "gap year" There was probably a year or at least a semester paid for when she QUIT after a few months (wasted money) and said "college isn't for me." She then moved out and started a new life. It wasn't her money to begin with, so by walking away from it all, why not use it instead of retirement savings to do something that needed to be done in the house? I paid for college myself, and all 3 of my kids are working their way through. Yes I help when I can, but working for your OWN goals is what builds character and integrity. So no, he's NTA.
Kids these days... Money comes from a thing called "work", don't they know?
Personally, I think it's ridiculous this is even an argument. The parents laid out the conditions pure and simple. It is up to you to follow those conditions. I paid my own way through college (paid out of pocket and went to military). My parents offered to help take out loans but I didn't like the idea of my parents and myself taking out loans once I understood the concept of interest rates. I grew up immediately with the help of this and realized how far off my perception of the world was comparative to how it truly is. I'm now a 30 year old engineer who has just realized we never stop learning all there is to the world for our lifespan is far too short. The daughter needs to evidently learn about the world she's living in. Giving handouts with unsettled conditions with unlimited second chances they'll never learn. How is she suppose to be successful if she doesn't understand the opportunities given to her by just following simple rules?
I don't really understand this thinking that the parents owe the children a college education; the young adult owes himself/herself an education - after all, that is the job while growing up. I When the parents help with college later, that's a bonus. So, they used the money - their money - for their house, after the daughter decided to quit and pursue life with boyfriend, I'm not sure how much discussion there was about that decision. Girl, put on your big girl panties, and grow into them. After all, at 18 you became an adult.
They're NTA. They've offered to help pay for a cheaper one and let her move back in. She just learned a big lesson, life isn't fair and people suck. If she wants a helping hand she should compromise. They don't have to pay for anything she's a grownup. Her brother followed their rules. Should they have waited, if she was warned then no once again it's their money. Just like if they saved for a wedding that didn't happen. They still wouldn't give her that money because guess what no wedding means no free money. Besides she's lucky she even got money given in the first place she spat in their faces over it if course they'd use it for something they want. Good on the parents for improving their home. I mean hopefully they stay in good with their son because I can't see how the daughter and their relationship will bounce back from this unless she does move back in etc. If I'd had parents offering to pay 30k for school I'd have gone even if I didn't want to. She was a fool.
‘There’s this expectation’…really, among who? Don’t start a sentence with ‘Like if’; it makes you sound ten years old. What ‘free money’? You mean the money dad saved out of his income? It’s not his fault a 20 year old doesn’t believe what he says about a very specific subject. Daughter made her choice knowing the financial consequences to her college fund and it’s not her parents’ fault her decision didn’t work out. This is why you consider carefully when ignoring the advice of someone with decades of real world experience. Thirty thousand is not an unusual amount to spend on a really nice kitchen, contrary to other comments posted.
You're not guaranteed any money at all from your parents to have any kind of inheritance. With the costs of medical and nursing home care, your parents will probably be on Medicaid which means all of their assets are used to pay for their care. Which means you get zero inheritance from them. If you go at any college they have financial aid offices and you can apply for student loans up to 57,500 per person in your lifetime to go to a public 2 year or four year university with up to 25-year to repay. So yes, anyone can go to college now with financial aid as long as you don't have a felony record. By myself have over $50,000 of student financial aid debt and I have a BS in Biology and an AAS in Network Administration from a two-year public college So no,it's not unusual to have financial aid debt after going to college with grants and loans.
1. I don't know where you all in Bored Panda world live, but $30,000 for a kitchen remodel is incredibly reasonable. They got medium-priced everything (flooring, appliances, cabinets, etc.) to finish the project with that totsl. 2. The value of their biggest asset, their house, has presumably increased if the remodel was well-done. This means that they actually did add to their retirement funds, albeit indirectly. Obviously there are a lot of variables at play there, but in general kitchen (& bath) remodels give owners the best return on their $$$ when selling. 3. Maybe I would have split the money & gone 50% kitchen & 50% possible future tuition, just in case she reconsidered after working in the grueling food service industry. (This must have taken place preCOVID?) Nevertheless, there should be some increased equity in their asset, which they could borrow against for tuition (or anything else) if daughter is serious about school.
Look at the ammount of people her who believe they are ENTITLED to stuff as adults at other peoples expense and how their actions shouldn't have consequences that everyone else has.
It was her PARENTS MONEY, they saved it, she didn't so it's not her money. Daughter didn't take her education seriously, why should parents not spend it on what they need.
All of you privileged people can mute. It took me over 20 years, raising my children and working my a**e off 6 days a week as a single mum for years, to FINALLY get my bachelor's degree. I'm still paying on my loans and I'm still stuck living paycheck to paycheck. My son got scholarships to pay for double bachelor's degrees and my daughter, after some time in the army, wants nothing to do with college. My generation was taught to grow up, take responsibility for myself, and my actions. Their daughter did and then backtracked. Nope. Posters, ignore the haters, you did right and I am sure your kitchen is beautiful.
YTA. Think about WHY you saved that money for her education. Probably because you know that education can be a very important part of a successful and stable future, and you wanted that for your daughter. You wanted her to be successful, and you knew that your help would increase those chances. However, apparently the second she made one "bad" decision, and then didn't listen to your advice, you no longer wanted to help her? Honestly, in a way, she was saving money because she wasn't going to college and taking classes that she might not have used, or done poorly in because she wasn't ready. Also, you can be "right" and still be an a**hole. So even if you think you are somehow right for spending the money that quickly after she dropped out because you warned her, you are still an a**hole for actually doing it.
My daughter is about to interview for med school. She has paid for everything with scholarships and may get a full ride to medical school as well. No loans, none of my savings, it's all her hard work. If costs the parents $30k out of pocket that kid isn't smart enough for college.
Girlfriend needs to go to CC and work her way into a scholarship, grants along with a job. The agreement to fund college was conditional on her going to college. She dropped out and said she wasn't going anymore. That's her problem. Unless that money was in a 509 to be used strictly for her education, it's just a gift with conditions that she rejected. She has no legal nor morale recourse. If I were the parents, I'd probably still have must of it saved up but her a*s would not get a dime of it. This is not punishment. You can't go ask the bank for a mortgage then take the money to go buy a car. And if you're going to change your mind about the mortgage all together, you're supposed to give it back. The bank is not required to keep it around for you, keep the interest rate they gave it to you at or even qualify you for it next time around. You're getting free rent so take that while you can because that offer doesn't have to stay open either. What in the world of entitlement fuckery?!
She said college wasnt for her, She didnt say she was taking a year off. , so too bad for her. For everyone bitching about remodeling a kitchen and being behind on retirement, perhaps they were planning to sell before retirement an a kitchen upgrade added value to the home. Either way, its ultimately their money and if they made it clear as to how it works, bvb the" o thought they were bluffung" BS is silly, even for a 20yo.
I was a young single mom with 2 special needs children. I waited until they were school age and began taking classes in a community college, amassing as many credits as I could before transferring to State College. I asked nothing of my parents, who had 4 other children at home. I eventually got my Masters. It took awhile, but I did it on my own.
Parents do not owe their children a college education. She had a chance and she chose not to continue her education. 30K is not much for a kitchen remodel these days. I have a friend just remodel his small kitchen for $40K, and it wasn't even a high end upgrade.
It's not the daughter's money to begin with. My wife paid for here own degrees. I joined the military stayed for 12 years and had my degree paid for. Parents don't owe their kids anything except food, shelter, clothing and love. Other than that, it's on the daughter who is a 20 year old adult. Everybody saying they blew their money on a kitchen upgrade even though they're behind on retirement are crazy. The number one upgrade to a house is the kitchen. Which adds value to their house. You know, an investment. You kids now a days have it too easy
Not everyone has a rich parent that help their kids with college tuition, how about the daughter go get a part time job and apply for student loan then repay it after graduate from college like the rest of us common folks. When i went to college the only help i got from my parents is books and supply, for tuition i got help from student loan and stuff, i would love it if my parents can help but we not rich and i can understand what my parents couldn't afford. I think the daughter just spoiled and think she will always get help from parents whenever she needs help, thats what happen when you come from a well off family, do you know what parents from a poor family tell their kids. At least thats what my parents tell me during growing up, son you need to learn to take care of your own problems, mom and dad does not live forever and if god forbid something happen to us what are you gonna do. I was probably 14 or 15 when i first hear them say that and they been reminding me of this ever since.
Wow. What a bunch of spoiled brats making these comments. She made her choice and it was an adult decision with adult consequences. Aren't these kids telling us how much smarter and grown up they are? Now they are saying the parents should have "known better". Make up your mind kiddies, you either pick being adults and accepting the consequences or you get treated like the immature brats you really are.
I'd love to see the look on your face now, when you walk into the club and find her on the pole...or worse.
Sounds like you're just angry she didn't want to immediately take the life path you chose for her. You wanted to pay for her college to help in her future career so that she'd have a leg up in life, right? There are a ton of ways that money could have been used to help her other than education. What if she ended up loving that restaurant job and wanted to go to culinary school in a few years instead? Or she needed money to open her own restaurant? You saved that money to help HER life, and then you stole it rather than think about other ways it could have helped her.
YTA. Since your daughter decided to drop out of college, I think there were two things you could've done as a parent. One, you could've at least held on to the funds for the duration that college would've taken, I'm assuming it's 4 years in your country. The second thing would be to give her the money to use as she deems fit since she felt college was not for her. Also, seeing she only took a year off, you could at least pay half because she is still very young.
18 is the legal age to make your own decisions but your brain is still developing reasoning skills. Making stupid mistakes is going to be part of that journey. Did you have it all figured out at her age? Did you give her that grace period? No. Investing in her future should've been the bigger decision then a new kitchen reno. Yes it's your money but she's also your daughter and part of parenting is to be there also when your kids make bad decisions. The fact that she decided to return to school was a good decision because her few life experiences taught her how to turn those bad decisions around. You should be proud of her instead of beating your chest in a. ...I told you so.... You've got a good kid there and you can't see it. YTA.
Remind them that they can pay for their own nursing home rooms, and you aren't planning on visiting when that time comes. Hope their kitchen was worth it
NTA. I think it's important to support your children's education, but when they say they're not going to go, drop out, and move on with life then that is that. Perhaps she relied too heavily on the expectation that her parents would be there if it didn't work out. While it's nice that she felt safe to do so, it's also something that will hold her back in the future if she doesn't learn personal responsibility. She walked away from the perks of the college experience on her parent's dime. Community college is not that expensive and she can take classes and save money for school.
Dad, to begin with you save the money for her college but she decided to dropped out. She chooses her path drop her chance and left the house over a guy. Did She know when she left home to be with the guy ,she also left her parent with all the disappointment?so your decision matter and valid. Honestly, it'Lucky for her that you both are still alive ,whom can still offered her place to stay and having food on the table. Bad decision are bad decision, she has to bear the consequences. let her learn her lesson.You have to make this clear to her, the day she decided to drop her college and chooses her path, She's no longer a child. You can't just throw yourself against your parents will and later come back demanded for something you claims yours. Parent doesn't owe anything to their child , you don't need to feel bad,it's your money, your priority is you and your wife happiness. Enough of those ungrateful children.They still young and healthy still can work and earn money.NTA .
Though one, definitely no innocents here. In one way daughter did make bad decision and should definitely learn to live with consequences of such decision. And her excuse or reasoning is poor at best. And on the other side, her parents decided to go for complete ignorance and played stupid, so they could spend all 30k on renovating kitchen(?), or more likely other stuff too. Like it doesn't take genius to figure out that this scenario was likely to happen, young adults making spontaneous decisions is normal and at 20 many still aren't really fully mature. It was very predictable that she might return, like waiting a year or two to see if decision is permanent wouldn't kill them and old kitchen doesn't sound like it was unusable. So all I see here are bad decisions of selfish people. And just because they got right to do what they all did, that doesn't make it fine.
Waahhh...my mommy and daddy didnt hold money for me to go to college...what now.... Pay for self to get through school. It's hard but very possible.
Look up tuition costs at your local state university. "Very possible" is not an accurate description of the situation.
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I would not feel comfortable spending my daughters safety net because every parent knows they gonna make dumb a*s decisions sometimes thats the gig! Its hard enough out here I wouldn't have left her to some "boyfriend" to assure her future! 30k for a kitchen remodeling? Question did the water coming out the faucet from Jesus's shoe? That's they only way I'm paying 30k for it 😒
Please remember that this student went to college during Covid if they are 20 now and considering going back to college. I went to right before covid and at the start of 2020 everyone was sent home from my university due to the pandemic and it took over a year for in person classes to resume. This doesn't work for everyone and a LOT of students took "breaks" for a year or two during the pandemic.
Yes, you are e definitely a MAJOR AH! I cannot believe what you did, & you RATIONALIZE your greed! Putting a remodeling job above the value and the absolute need for your daughter to have an education. It's insane.. To say that you betrayed your daughter is an understatement & there are no words to describe how low you go. You and your wife should come up with the 30 plus K that you're daughter is entitled to for her education. I would not blame your daughter, if you don't do that, to never speak to either of you again. You & your wife delivered a huge slap in the face for your daughter. You both show so little regard and such great disrespect for her it's sickening.
If I saved money for my daughter, then took it for myself, I'd feel like a thief.
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. I agree, they saved money FOR her, then blew it once she decided on something else. EDIT: I am fully aware that parents are not obligated to pay their child's way, but for them to promise aid and then immediately retract that promise in petty revenge is deplorable behavior.
Load More Replies... I know kitchen remodels can get very expensive quickly, but $30,000.00 seems excessive when you don't feel you will be financially sound come retirement. Seems to me these parents were just mad their daughter chose to follow her own path instead of the one they created for her and decided to punish her the only way they could. If I had saved the money for my child's education I wouldn't have given it to him/her for other purposes at 18, like the daughter requested, but would have continued to save it and if my child chose not to return to college would have helped him/her with buying a home or helped in some way that would make my child's life that much easier.
Sometimes the problem is making your child's life easier. You are not doing them any favors you are just creating useless adults. I know it doesn’t seem that way but struggling builds a person up. Making a decision and having to follow the consequences of that decision is important. If your parents decide not to believe you and keep that money cause they know that you will one day reconsider that mean’s they don’t take you seriously and your c**p decision now can all be erased because your parents just took that consequence away for you. What have you really taught your kid? Mama and papa will bail you out so you might as well throw Caution to the wind. Some decisions you don’t get to undue as casually as you made them. Now if she wants to go to college she can live at home and get a job. She’s not entitled to anything.
Load More Replies... The problem is that everyone feels the parents should foot the bill for kids lives until they are 50 or some s**t. This is getting out of hand. They warned her and talked to her, she made her decision. They gave it a year and even protected the money from her. If they had given in and let her have it it would be gone anyways. They aren't assholes, they aren't omnipotent. 30k on a kitchen remodel is a drop in the bucket, especially if it's an old kitchen. It was their money to begin with so they can do what they want with it.
I agree that there's definitely a limit, but 20 is a far way off from 50, and going to college without help from parents is getting increasingly difficult, especially since kids are preoccupied with other schooling just before starting college which makes it hard to save up enough for college since you're pretty much limited to part time. She definitely made a bad decision, and shouldn't have assumed that her college fund was safe, but the parents should've been lenient, this is likely the hardest and most confusing part of her life so far
Load More Replies... Looks like a number of people responding have no idea how much a kitchen renovation can cost. Also, why shouldn't OP & his wife's retirement goals include a renovated kitchen?
Probably because a renovated kitchen isn't something one can't live without. It's a luxury, not a necessity.
Load More Replies... I'm sure there was more going on that what they tell us when the daughter dropped out, but damn. If you saved all that money, intending for her to have it for college, give her at least a little grace period to realize her mistake. She took a year off then wanted to try again, that was probably a really good idea to help give her direction. Also, If the parents are behind on saving for retirement, they probably shouldn't spend 30k on a remodel.
It's because she didn't listen. They tried to warn her and she had decided she was going to drop out and move in with a boyfriend and not invest her time in her future. Then she asked for the money because she knew it was there, and they warned her again, no the money is for college and only for college and if you don't go to college we are going to spend it on other things. With this she did not say okay I'm going to go to college then, because they wouldn't have spent it if she had. If you don't want to listen to your parents good advice then you're not entitled to the benefits of your parents good decisions. Period. If she respected her parents she would have heeded their warning. It's a very American idea that you should chase after your adult children's mistakes and make it better. Then we wonder why we have so many immature 30 year olds.
Load More Replies... I'm with the parents on this one. Daughter did not "take a year off". She dropped out to start her life with her boyfriend and when that didn't work out backtracked. Who's to say she won't do that again? She had the opportunity, was forewarned and squandered it. 20 years old is old enough to have a working brain.
She very much could have taken a year off considering covid started in 2020 and sent students home from school with no warning
Load More Replies... NTA, her choice had a consequence and now she has to live around that consequence. It’s not like she can’t go to school. She just can’t take the easier road to do that anymore. If anything if you caved and paid for her school you are setting a bad example for your son. She can still go to school, but because she decided to drop out and didn’t believe you when you said you will spend the money on something else now she has to move back in, get a job and go to a community college. Nothing wrong with that road. It may be harder for her but it will make her consider her decisions in the future more wisely and it will let your son know that dropping out is not a great idea. Also if she had just said she needed a year to decide what she wants you wouldn’t have spent the money. But she said it wasn’t for her and dropped out. That’s on her. You respected her decision enough to believe her, now respect it enough to let her follow it through. She will be a better human for it.
I cannot believe that some of you are actually saying that these parents are wrong. Sounds to me like they taught her Lil entitled a*s something that college never could. They saved the $ for her to go, she went, and she bailed on the opportunity and she QUIT! She made that choice. It wasnt as if when it came time to go the parents had just blown the money and didnt mention anything until the last moment. She was told the money would be spent if she dropped out of college and moved out. She assumed that her parents were bluffing, but they were not...Period! That money was not her money, it was the parents money to do with as they see fit. By the looks of some of these comments on here, there seems to be an abundance of spoiled a*s entitled Lil brats on here, and even worse, the parents of some.
So helping your child have a successful future is entitled? I don’t understand how making your children suffer at the drop of a hat is parenting but it makes sense since your part of the me generation that was handed a glowing economy to screw up for us and project all your flaws on others
Load More Replies... NTA. She dropped out. They told her they would use the money for other things if she did. I recall being young and stupid but by 20 if I f****d up I knew it was my problem. I mean I was happy if anyone offered to help me out but didn't expect it.
She did drop out, but they could have at least waited 3 years before deciding it was permanent. One year is waaaaaay too soon to spend the money.
Load More Replies... They did what they said they would do. What is her problem? She should have listened. Her poor choice gave her poor results. Actually, it may be one of the best life lessons she will ever learn.
Ok. Now let's get real. Parents do what they can and when their efforts are refused then choices have consequences. They new if she had access to it when she was moving in with her boyfriend it would have been wasted. What a windfall for her and her boyfriend. Now her parents who had saved and planed for her education got it thrown back in their face, decided to use their hard earned money on the home front. Now the daughter is doing the pity me trip that she didn't get the money handed to her on a platter. How about a job, scholarships, loans, grants and put herself through college? It burns me the way parents go into debt for kids college education. They have already loved, encouraged, and nurtured them through the first 12 grades and prepared them for life as an adult. Now the kids are adults let them act like one. These parents deserve to get on with their retirement years. They didn't steal the money from her, she refused their gift.
You are very out of touch to think you can work your way through college these days. $30,000 would not have been enough to cover more than two years tuition at our local state university, and she won't qualify for grants or much in the way of low interest loans with their income. It was their money and their call, but it's disingenuous to act like it can all be solved with a little hard work.
Load More Replies... My parents didn't save anything for me, and I'm not upset with them for that. Would it have been nice? Sure. But my parents aren't rich and are terrible with money planning. So the fact that these parents did save money for their daughter and she chose to not go to college... Well I don't think she had a right to that money. Still sucks for the daughter though, but I don't think the parents are the AH.
Why does anyone think that their parents OWE them a college degree? You want free tuition? Join the military and EARN it.
Probably because they can relate cause it happened for them. They are arguing for themselves in the end because they don’t want to sound entitled about it while at the same time being so.
Load More Replies... She has been told that it will be used for something else, therefore NTA. I feel like the parents could have waited a year or tell her before using the money, but in the end she has been warned.
The amount of people who feel a 20 year old is *entitled* to 30k dollars in tuition from their parents (money that said kids never earned) is absolutely shocking.
Overall ita the parents money and its the parents decision on how to use it. They set it aside, she decided to drop out. They even told her what the consequences would be. In today's world, 30k won't get you a 4 year degree so might as well take out some student loans. Kids thinking their parents money is theirs is kinda funny. People thinking the parents should have sat on 30k for an indefinite about of time are nuts. She forfeited the amount years before.
Can we stop trying to recreate Reddit on BP? Enough with the plagiarising their content.
Wait, people are plagiarising here? Oh my goodness, they didn't take a hint. Tbf, both are in the wrong. The parents could've wait longer if she truly meant for dropping out, that poor women. I'm also young as her (I'm younger than her) but I've learned how to be independent since my mother is narcissistic and abusive, I couldn't care less about it (I also had to heal myself from her overly draining talking about she's the best than the whole family)
Load More Replies... Here is the issue (depending on where they live.) Until a child is 22-23, the parents finances are taken into consideration when the child applies for federal student aid...which is an option for her. She was not even 20 when she made the decision to drop out of college. I agree with others that she needed time to find herself. But I also agree that all the facts were laid out for her before she walked out the door. Now she's got "buyer's remorse" and wants Mom and Dad to bail her out. She made her bed, she should lie in it. But the parents could help her by making sure they do not claim her as a student dependent and let whatever college she goes to know that they are footing the bill for her at all. She may even qualify for grants and work-study if she plays her cards right.
On the flip side, they now have $30k less in assets so their expected contribution is now less, so she would qualify for more assistance.
Load More Replies... At least when she moves back home, she can really appreciate the 30 grand kitchen to its fullest. /s To be clear: if you set it aside for the kids, and name it like that, it’s for the kids. Aside from education, could also have been (even partly) a starting capital for a good business idea, study or work abroad fund, or something.
That's not what they put the money aside for. It is their rules. They named the rules. It wasn't as if it was a secret to the daughter. When she asked they explained it to her. It's up to them how they want to set that up for their kid. She knew the parameters. No one should be surprised or upset that they followed through with what they said they would do if she did what she did. She didn't get to choose the way. She can accept their money on their terms or she can do anything she wants to do in the whole world on her dime. That is fair.
Load More Replies... It was a conditioned gift. That condition expired, no longer entitling her to the gift. Seeing as it is undergraduate school, she can get some great loans. I did community college to UC to law school all with loans. If she is determined, she can do it. NTA
Her parents are making enough money to save at least $60,000 for the kid's college. She's not going to get much in loans, they'll be capped below tuition cost. And even if she did, chances of her being able to pay them off are pretty low, unless she also goes to law school. The impact of what her parents chose will last decades for her, which is their choice but OP is pretty flippant about it.
Load More Replies... I'll just leave it at a partial ESH. OP could've warned her that she had a grace period of maybe 1-1 1/2 years to change her mind or the money would be going into something else. That way, the daughter will have a clear time frame to decide what she wants and act on it. That being said, she also shouldn't be depending wholly on the 30k because she is technically an adult and her actions have consequences. She decided to drop out at first for boyfriend reasons and when that went south, she didn't like her options. The daughter ought to at least be reminded that while yes, the money was set aside for your education, your poor choices shouldn't burden your parents with having to save for your rainy days.
Why does anyone think that their parents OWE them a college education? You want free tuition? Join the military and EARN it.
You don't pay rent where you live? Are you unaware that rent is your largest expense when you're on your own and not leeching off your parents? Do you think it doesn't cost Mommy and Daddy money to keep you warm at night, your Internet connected so you can play Fortnite and the fridge stocked with Capri sun? Little Tunky you're embarrassing yourself on the internets... What would your Fortnite buddy's think of you
Load More Replies... It's weird to me that people in the USA usually pay for their kid's degree, where I live people often don't have the money to make ends meet let alone to save. I've been toying with the idea of going to college but I know it's ultimately impossible for me, if not for the lack of support for autistic people going to college, for my parents can't pay for it and neither can I being someone who can't work.
It's not usual in US. It's mostly the wealthy that do it and it doesn't really help their children because they all become useless self entitled little snobs like you see in these comments
Load More Replies... I think YTA for spending it on a kitchen makeover instead of investing it in your retirement fund.
Spending $30k on a kitchen Reno now will avoid spending double that later when water damage left unfixed has rotted joists, cabinets are too old to refurb, etc.. So yeah, what was that about investigating for retirement? And $30k DOES NOT pay for some fancy dream kitchen. That's just barely entry level cost where I live in the US. Average would be closer to $50 - 60k.
Load More Replies... I dropped out of college. My dad was so mad, he bought himself a couch for 3000. Then I found another study and he was so happy that I wanted to study, that he paid it. He was a teacher.
NTA. Single mom here. My daughter graduated high school and hen got accepted to Temple Univ, Chapel Hill, etc. I told her that she was expected to pay and that it didn't make any sense to spend a boatload of money to live away from home when we have a very good local college. I would provide a place to live and food, and she could work and pay for school. She chose local college. A year later, NY son graduated and was given same choice, and he also chose local college. Fast-forward 6 years. They have both graduated with 4-year degrees, no student loans/no debt, she has a great job already making $66,000/ year and has bought a home, has her car paid off, and he worked his butt off and has moved to Italy for graduate school. They both thank me for making them figure it out themselves. They are way ahead of many of their peers who had everything given to them but have no idea how to accomplish anything themselves.
This is what a lot of the YTA sayers don't understand. My parents couldn't afford to pay for my college but also gave me extremely practical advice. They raised a household of children who listened to and respected them. At this point we all out earn what my parents did at our age. Our households all make over $100,000 and mine is the only dual income home. We are all married to our first spouses, generally happy in our relationships, jobs, and personal lives. No one has been in any legal trouble. The most important thing parents can give their children is well rounded thinking and accountability, not money, not dependence on your parent's income. Being of sound mind and sound decisions. That lasts a lifetime. If you coddle kids it's much harder for them to become healthy adults.
Load More Replies... I can't choose one side but I'm guessing both. The two are both wrong and right in here, let alone Their daughter lives with her boyfriend after dropping out. Her parents just outright took their money for remodeling the kitchen after she did so. In another case, the parents wish death themselves for trashing their relationship with their daughter and the daughter had to deal with big consequences. As I said, both are in the wrong. I understand she needs time whether that was her decision or not but this "dropping out" is an everlasting action, something that you can't change unless you desired to. It's like fate, I know she's a young adult but looks like karma hits her without her knowledge. Like it or not, you're going to work hard to come back to study at College. The parents chose the hard way, and that means she's going to take that route for her mistake. I've learned the hard way too since my mother is narcissistic and abusive, life is full of surprises, be prepared
I say she changed her mind about college - which she had a right to do. The parents changed their mind about giving a gift once it was basically, intentionally left on the table - as they equally had a right to do. Can't be 'wrong' when deciding what to do with what's 'yours.' Daughter simply needs to reconfigure her plan as we ADULTS often have had to throughout life. There are always consequences.
I had new kitchen cabinets quoted, nothing fancy, and even with 20% off they were still 20k. Uninstalled, no counters. Building costs in the US are off the charts right now. That being said, I would have waited until they were 24, the age kids are kicked off their parents insurance here, had a conversation, and then released the funds back to myself.
My brother was married with two kids at 24. Maintained and continues to maintain his home on his own just fine.
Load More Replies... YTA. Anyone with an ounce of foresight would realize that your daughter would still need education or training once she understood the realities of life and matured. Blowing it on a kitchen Reno was incredibly shortsighted. I think you did it to punish her for not doing what you wanted. Your wife is right. And if your retirement isn’t on track, kitchen Reno’s aren’t the way to go. You might want to consider a second job.
OR, the daughter can get her OWN job. Parents shouldn't have to slave away at 2 jobs while their adult children daydream about "someday". Someday is today. Get to work. It's one thing to *help* your young adult kids, it's another to extend their childhood by continuing to provide for them completely, as their learned helplessness grows.
Load More Replies... The daughter is so lucky to have loving parents that save 30K for education fund. Other people will need to work, save and study to attend colleague. My parents did not pay for my colleage and even spends the money I have saved and never returned it. She passed her chance when she dropped of colleague to follow the boy. It was the parents hard earn money, they can use whatever they like since she decided to drop off. There is no use to fight over the money that is no longer there since the parents are no longer working as well. She will need to work and earn the fund to go to school like everyone else. Chance does not come twice so next time hopefully she uses her chance carefully.
Not the a$$h[le. His money. He saved it. Not her. The brother stayed in college. She didn't. If she doesn't want to go to a community or state college then she can join the military. They will give her a trade and she can use her GI bill for college later
I don't get the YTA crowd. Since when do you have a god given right to a college degree. That money was never hers. She didn't earn it. She expected it to be given to her no strings attached by virtue of being their daughter. They even told her she was up a creek if she dropped out and she decided to anyway. I don't get this sense of entitlement when it comes to money that you didn't make.
the parents offered, the daughter turned it down. End of story. The money was NOT hers in the 1st place. The money BELONGS to her parents. the daughter DECIDED to move to her boyfriend and work there. The parents ADVISED AGAINST it but she insisted. She FORFEITED her chance to continue her education. The parents have NO obligation to keep the money for her.
ESH...the daughter clearly made some bad choices. BUT the condition the parents gave of her losing her entire college fund the moment she decides to bail from college was kind of harsh and short sighted. Not everyone is ready for 4 (or more) years of school after graduating from high school (after having spent 12-13 yrs of their life as a student already). They should have said something like...."we'll hold the money for 1 year, give you time to figure things out. If after a year you still thing college isn't for you, we use the money as we see fit." That would have been more reasonable.
It's easy to judge in hindsight. The father could have also said if she drops out thet wouldn't find her boyfriend and his families bodies and prevented this entire conversation from happening. She'd also be half way through college
Load More Replies... The kid was an idiot, and although the parents shouldn't feel obligated to pay for her college it is something of a d**k move to spend so much money so quickly on something that is so trivial.
Remodeling a Kitchen is not trivial. Having a house is not trivial. So why is it trivial to fix or improve the house they will live and die for the rest of their lives?
Load More Replies... When you pay for your kids education or a car or a house. They tend to not appreciate it as much as they would if they paid for it themselves. The first car my parents bought me I blew the motor up within 4 months cause who the eff needs to check the oil lol. My second car I paid for and its still running.
This doesn't apply to everyone. I've known plenty of people who don't take care of anything whether they paid for it or not. Also know some folks that take care of every little thing and use it for as long as they can because they are grateful to have anything-whether they paid for it or not.
Load More Replies... Please don’t downvote others because you disagree. If it’s racist, misogynistic, mean and nasty then yes go for it. But simply downvoting because you disagree is silly. The Pandas get minus 10 and suspended for nothing. Let’s be nice. If you’re a VBP (Very Bored Panda) then scroll and give others an uppie!
My whole original account got suspended forever for this reason. So it seems to be a thing.
Load More Replies... I put myself thru college, starting with community college. It can be done and easily if they are fronting the cost of living for her. She made her choice, knowing the repercussions and they made theirs. Live and learn, sometimes life is harsh. It is a good learning experience for her. Remodels especially where appliances are concerned is costly, but in the end it doesn't matter. They could have taken a cruise to Ireland, she knew the price and needs to learn not everything in life has "do overs". She still has a "do over" option, only requires slightly more work. I'm sure if she sat with them and said this is how much I made and I'm still short on tuition or supplies, the parents won't waste any time dipping into the retirement to help. She just has to show an effort. It's my generation's fault that the millennials are messed up. Most were not held responsible for poor choices when they were young. To the parents, if there is any college money left, take a vacation with it.
Nobody's taking into account the fact she already dropped out of college once, so she blew a semester's tuition money once already. They're also going on about how she only took a gap year. Who knew it was only 1 year? She had told her parents college wasn't a good fit for her. Her parents told her she was only getting those funds for tuition and that they would use it for something else if not her tuition. That being said redoing the kitchen in the first year is a bit preemptive. Kids are stupid and they do make bad decisions. Again though she has the option of moving in and not paying rent which is amazing, and if I were the parents I wouldn't pay for anything more than community school because she may decide it's not for her again! I know plenty of kids who got their Associates at community, their Bachelors at state, and then went on to get Masters or Doctorates and they racked up much lower costs than if they'd started at Princeton for that Doctorates....
I remember a similar deal where my family would pay for my tuition as long as I did well and didn't stop out. Well, I screwed up, partied and dropped out. A year later I went back only this time, I had to work and take out loans. Amazingly enough when it was all coming out of my own pocket, I graduated with a 4.0 GPA. The entire experience taught me a lesson in personal responsibility I would never have learned any other way. I've been an electrical/software engineer for 25 years now. I love my family. I am grateful today for the tough love back then as they could have paid at any time. (the money was always there) I'd have never graduated with honors if they hadn't made me do it myself.
It was poor communication by both sides. The daughter made it clear that she had enough. They all agreed it could be used for something else. They parents had a year to discuss what to do since she refused it. Daughter was blind to any possibilities. She just assumed that mummy and daddy would do like they always do sacrifice for her. Wrong. Mummy and daddy finally thought more about preparing for their future comfort after their saved money was rejected. Parents are humans too who realize that their future needs need to be taken care of. She had her chance and blew it big time. Now maybe she will make something of herself because it will be hard earned and not a handout. My opinions
It is no surprise that the parents used their hard earned money to renovate the kitchen. The daughter did make it sound like she was not going back to college. She rejected everything. I When you have a hard earned lump of money after presenting to it to someone who rejects it, you tend to use it for something you dreamed of all along. The parents dont owe the spoiled brat a dime. They saved. They presented it and it was given up no matter what they said and it was agreed upon. The brother is going to college and will be using what was saved for him. The daughter should have stated that she intended to go back. She did not. She said she had enough. She probably never heard of a gap year. It wasnt a gap year to her. It was the end of going to college and attempt to do something else. How long are parents supposed to put their lives on hold for young adults? She made her bed and has to lie in it. Her option to try Community college and get a part time job. Apply for whatever she ca
Wow! Just wow! This exact same thing happened to me and my little sister. My parents were very clear that if I stopped attending, they would stop paying. I stopped for a year and went back AND paid for it myself. You are so NTA. First, your daughter was lucky that you had a college fund for her. I work in higher education and this is not the case with most young folks. Second, you and your wife were very clear with the consequences for stopping, and she said college wasn’t for her. I’m sure you were upset, but that was her choice as a young adult. Unfortunately, young adults make crappy decisions sometimes and must live with the consequences of those crappy decisions. Second, if you and your wife did come back and bail her out of her crappy decision, then what are you teaching her? It is ok to make a decision against the wise counsel of people who love her and not be made to own up to that decision. It was your money. Doesn’t matter how you spent it.
On one hand, you already spent a ton of money on her college, if she doesnt finish then that money is just wasted. You should have kept the money and if she went back, use it for that, and if she didnt then you would be better off when retiring. Spending 30k on a kitchen when you say you cant help her now becauase your behind your retirement goal sounds rediculous. College is an investment, and should be treated as such. You invested in your kids future, and then it seemed like it might not pay off, so you pulled. Now that it has the chance to pay off, you spent the money. Ultimately, I think you made very poor decisions with your money. In the other hand, it is your money and you have the right to do whatever you chose with it. She is not entitled to a single cent from you toward her college. The decision to finish at a community college could go either way. It largly depends on how much she already completed. All that matters in the end is where you get your degree from, which is why it is often the smartest decision to do the first 2 years at community college and then transfer for the last two years. If she already completed more than 2 years it is probably not a good idea to transfer, you will need about 2 years of credits from a scho before they will give you a diplome - so if you have more than two years of transfer credits you will still have to pay for 2 years worth of credits. Graduating from community college will make the extra you already paid for state school a waste, but will also save you the extra you would pay to continue at.a state school vs going there. I guess in the end it depends on how muxh more valuable a degree from a state achool would be.
well its not her money, it never was, its a savings account her parents made in case she wanted to study, she said she didnt.. well now be an adult about it and pay it yourself.. i dont get all the whining...you can work and goto school. Shes 20 yo, time to grow up
The funds were saved up BY the parents. Their blood, sweat, time and tears went into this savings. It is a good life lesson for their daughter to know the value of a dollar. She decided to drop out and there are consequences to bear. She may not like it but in the long run, she will hopefully appreciate her education and commitment even more.
YTA. I went to college at 18 yrs old. I said it Wasn't for me. A year later, I went back. I got my degree with high grades. Took time off after college to pursue music. Met a guy, got married. Then had a child. I decided to use my degree. I worked at my intended career, then went to graduate school, had a 4.0 in grad school. And had another child. You messed up as parents not seeing that your daughter was young and confused. That money should have been sitting there for her. And If she never used it, you should have given it to her to help start her young life. You saved it up for her. Remodeling your kitchen with it was selfish and uninsightful. You have a nice kitchen , good for you, and now you have a daughter who is very hurt and angry And will not forgive you, ever. Even if she decides to talk to you again, that selfish decision you made. Will hurt your relationship for LIFE, but your KITCHEN is nice.
Nta. Your funds to do as you pleased. She chose to drop out. You explained the consequences. Not your problem she thought you were bluffing. Welcome to reality. Btw, my brother worked full time and took night classes. Took 10 years but he received his bachelor degree. He paid as he went.
All three of my children, my wife and I made them pay half of their college expenses. We covered the rest. Occasionally more as in provided a car and insurance. That deal was only when in college. All my children graduated with zero debt. University level education. They sought grants and earned monies with jobs. They don't make excuses...all three are self employed like their Father and Mother are.
There's a lot of information missing here...after high school student graduated, what kind of things were said between kid & parents? Did parents ask if kid was going to college next? If so, did kid then say, "...not interested"? If so, then deal is off with college fund and remodeling the kitchen is a fabulous idea for parents! We don't know how this situation went from A to Z...so comments are baseless!
Their only mistake was not making it clearer that the choice she made at the time meant forgoing the money. If daughter thought it was a bluff, she isnt used to "no" meaning no. Clear expectations always yield better results. That said, no one is entitled to another person's money. The daughter can do what many of us have done: put yourself through school. The world, including your parents, doesn't owe you something for nothing when you are a grown adult.
You're nta, because you warned her, and put it to good use. But... If you spent $30,000 on a kitchen remodel, you were taken! It sounds like you went on a spending binge! You at, for going crazy with the money. You could have got it remodeled, had enough to leave in the fund. Teens, are not the best at making life discissions! She was 19 when she dropped out. You should have known, she may change her mind later. Instead of jumping on the money like a very greedy person, you should have thought it out better. Like, asking her, do you think you will go back at a later date.
I’m conflicted, I want to say NTA, she fked up and chased dck instead of her education, that’s her problem. She’s 20, not 2. On the other hand, that money was always meant for her and her education, but again, it IS their hard earned money. YTA, because who the heck spends 30k on a fricken kitchen remodel? Replacing a few things, sure, but 30,000!? BYE!
You saved up $30,000 for your Daughter, not including whatever money you have saved for your son, what if your son did the same thing, would you blow all his tuition on something ridiculous, and no remodel would cost as much as 30k unless your redoing foundation work, so yes you are infact a 100% certified a**hole.
I think the parents were wrong...if she came back 5 years later...it would be different ...but 1 year...no. they should offer to help with her college...her pay half thru loans and grants and they pay half. You can't be ready for retirement when you haven't finished raising your kids. How long before you retire...?
It's their money, they can do whatever they want with it. Remodels are NOT cheap by the way. And at the end of the day IT IS AN INVESTMENT into the house when they go to sell when they retire. Children have no entitlement to their parents money. This is the issue! How are the parents supposed to trust she will stay in school this time. IMO would be a gamble if they did drop that 30k and then she ended up quitting again. Parents can do as they please with THEIR money. The audacity to ask for the money whilst living with boyfriend is mind blowing.
Both parties are at fault. First, the daughter. And NOT for dropping out of school, and making youthfully dumb decisions. Life is about taking risks, this time, she gambled and lost it's for her entitled brattish attitude. It IS her parents' money and she didn't have to ever know it existed But, she did. Because they told her that it was for her education Because of this, I hold the parents most accountable. She thought they were bluffing. What in the childhood full of idle threats and empty ultimatums IS this? I mean, I believed my parents, because they said what they meant/meant what they said. Did they even try to guide the girl? They could have actually adviced her to take even a set period of time off (a year or two) to weigh her options and then revisit. Behind on retirement they say! Seems smarter, that if you're going to retract the funds, to put them towards the shortfall. They express similar decision gaps as the girl. Hope the relationship is repairable.
The parents are within their rights to do with the money what they want, but the tone and speed with which they did so smacks of vindictiveness to me. So be it. As many people here have pointed out, their children aren't entitled to anything... I hope just they remember that sentiment when they're older and dependant on others. Sometimes the "lessons" you teach come back to haunt you.
Both parties are at fault. First, the daughter. And NOT for dropping out of school, and making youthfully dumb decisions. Life is about taking risks, this time, she gambled and lost it's for her entitled brattish attitude. It IS her parents' money and she didn't have to ever know it existed However, she did because they told her, and it was for her education Because of thise, I hold the "mature" adults most accountable. She though they were bluffing. Just how many times did they use empty threats while raising her that she learned not to believe what they say (I mean, I believed my parents, because they didn't do bluffing, idle threats or promises)? Secondly, did they even try to guide the girl, perhaps actually advicing her to actually take off some set period of time (a year or two) to weigh her options, with some guidance (sounds like they had more of an issue with her leaving school than living with her boyfriend); then revisit? There's too much with no room to unpack all this.
honestly it was both like 30k in one year and you have retirement goalas like at least Dave it for your retirement if not your daughterr??? but like at the same time the daughter made the choice to drop out and move in with her bf. BUT it was only for a year and she's 20, she still needs guidance but like she dropped out on her own BRUH IDK 😭 I think they both could have like done more communicating and talked to the daughter about the remodel?
DEFINITELY THE A-HOLE! You could've used half that amount and still helped your daughter. Sounds like you don't have a lot of faith or trust in your daughter. Hope the kitchen was worth it!
If the money was saved for the daughter to go to school and the parents spent it all on something for themselves the second the daughter didn't do what the parents wanted, it doesn't seem like the parents wanted her to choose to go to college but that they wanted her to do whatever they wanted her to do. Idk I think if you save money for your kid to go to college and especially let them know that that money is for them to go to college, unless you make some stuff clear before it's time for college, I think the money should sit aside unless there's an emergency if they kid decides not to go to college at first. If after like 2, 3 years the kid still hasn't decided to go to college, then the parents should be free to use it how they want because the circumstances they saved it for willingly are most likely not happening. But after a year? People take a gap year all the time, that's too short a time period to assume the kid will never go to college.
Honestly, had she been out for something like 3 years at 23 I could've understood. but let's face it, most people don't know what to do with their lives before even 25, I mean sure she is technically an adult but really? No leanancy? Immediately used the money on themselves then complain about " not having enough for retirement" had she decided to stay out another year then been warned about their finance troubles then put it to their retirement, maybe I could've understood. But no, they blew it on a new kitchen the moment it was cleared, that is a sign of greed to me, they didn't hesitate and took the first chance they could to spend it. Either it was greed, callousness, childish games, or any lack of common sense. Feel free to disagree with me but I think it's very obvious they weren't being great parents
If my daughter didn't want to use the money to go to college and i told her about what would happen and she still left, I'd feel fine about it. Whatever. She can live somewhere else. Tough love and tough luck.
30k for a kitchen remodel? That is literally insane. Id say a*****e just for that. But i know how to frame, hang cabinents, install tile and put a floor down so maybe thats just my inner self reliabilty cringing at how wastefull that is. Maybe dad should have learned how to swing a hammer cause he sounds as financially irisponsible as his 20 year old daughter.
30K for a kitchen remodel when you are behind on your retirement funds? That's excessive and extravagant. What did you do, add on to the house to make the kitchen bigger? That's beside the point. You should have waited at least a year for your daughter to try to figure herself out. What she did wasn't a "poor choice", it was spreading her wings and growing.
Something about this doesn't sound right to me. They are nearing retirement age and you want to remodel your kitchen. They're nearing retirement age and are not near their goals of saving. The daughter made a poor judgment the same way they did. Fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. Only in this instance we can allow her some leeway because of her age but her parents have no excuse. And giving her an alternative because they messed up, and won't admit it is telling.
Why do people act like being young is the only time people make mistakes or are irresponsible. Sounds like these are parents who have been saving responsibly for 20 years, got into an argument, and then messed up. Being 50 with kids doesn't suddenly make it not tempting to spend 30,000 that suddenly dropped in your lap, especially if you were already at odds with your daughter. Not saying its the right thing to do, but no reason to be so judgemental kids and finances are hard. Yes, they shouldn't have spent the money so quickly. Honestly, I bet they regret it and that's what the post was for. Doesn't make them an a*****e though.
I don't understand this idea that anyone, including your own kids are entitled to make mistakes and not have to live with them. My job as a parent is to teach you so you can live in the real world. If I teach and you don't learn, I did my part. Now you have to learn the lesson how you chose to learn it. That's actually part of the lesson. Next time you'll make better choices. The idea of parenting is not holding their hands forever, but to give them the tools they need to make their own choices and decisions. Kids are so quick to run off and "be an adult" in spite of you trying to do well by them. Then bring an adult means accountability for your choice to ignore the help I'd have given you for free.
I feel like ESH (bot more op)she did know what would happen, they told her, but the op's story doesn't make alot of sense $30000 is ALOT for a remodel, should have used it as retirement money if the really needed it.
Wow, I think ETA. Entitled daughter says she thought parents were bluffing when they told her they'd spend the money on something else (probably rightfully thought that because they never actually set boundaries for her in the first place). Parents say now they can't help because they are behind in their "retirement goals" but dropped 30k on a kitchen. Entitled parents raising entitled kids! Also punishing the daughter for making choices they didn't approve of rather than talking to her about her maybe changing her mind later. Nope, they expected her to go to college now or not at all. Smh. Obviously these people have never lived in poverty or they might've thought twice about spending what they saved for their daughters education in an age where even with a degree it's going to be hard to just get by. It is there money to do what they please but at the same time they could've handled the situation differently.
ETA. So, your daughter came out entitled and irresponsible and you're mad about it, huh? Why don't you take that up with the people responsible for that. You can find them in the mirror. She's bad with planning and terrible with money? You don't say! Wonder where she got those traits from?! Why don't we ask the people who didn't manage to save enough for their retirement but blew 30 THOUSAND DOLLARS on their kitchen how that happened! Your kids are just like you, but you praised your son for it while punishing your daughter. Gonna pretend I'm shocked by that. "We warned her we were going to blow that money on ourselves if she disobeyed us! Why is she so mad?" You helped blow her future for a kitchen. Don't be surprised if she never speaks to you again. You've proven you're unreliable and vindictive, obviously more traits you've passed on.
Thank you for writing a wall of text that screams his daughter is a mistake. Additionally, remodeling a kitchen is not a waste of money. It is called investment since house can be sold higher than the original price. If they wish not to sell the house, that's great. They can comfortably use the kitchen for the rest of their lives. Who cares if the daughter does not speak to them? 20 years old and still act like a spoiled brat after experiencing the REAL WORLD. Pathetic and utterly repulsive. If wish to be a parent, I highly recommend that you don't breed. We don't need another people walking on a street who would not take no for an answer and always ask for a compensation for a very minor incovenience in life. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS is the right word for that.
Load More Replies... 30k on a kitchen? Ridiculous and pathetic. They just wanted an excuse to use all that wonderful money. Who cares about the fact that, that money was literally their daughters doorway to a future? Obviously not them. Disgusting. I'll never touch my kids college funds. Thievery.
30K on a kitchen is not ridiculous. If you can provide free labor for remodeling the Kitchen, I would certainly agree with you but since you did not therefore you are ignorant when it comes to the cost of labor and materials. Wonderful money? It is the parent's money to begin with and with the intention for the daughter's education Daughter's future? You don't even know the course she takes and now you are telling me about her future. I find you utterly repulsive beyond belief thinking that their daughter is significant in life, which she is not.
Load More Replies... Idk. They did tell her prior to her dropping out that if she quit they would take the money back. That imo makes them NTA. Personally I think, they should have waited at least 2 years before spending the money. However, they are also only human. Parents make mistakes too. And, they did at least offer some alternatives as a way to kinda make up for it a little bit. If they are willing to cover all of her life expenses, like housing, utilities, transportation costs, food, etc., I don't think that's much different than paying the actual tuition itself. A financial help is financial help, period. It doesn't really matter where it comes from or what it goes to. If they are doing the best they can to make up for their lack of patience, then they are certainly NTA. Really nobody is TA here. Everyone here just made rash decisions and it caused a "well damn" situation for everyone involved. I'm sure the parents felt bad for spending it too. remorse says a lot in itself, about them as parents.
I find it amazing how few people who leave comments actually read and understand what they have read before they do.
Transitioning to adulthood is like taking the training wheels of a bike. Immediately afterward is when you’re most likely to do something dumb and hurt yourself. I feel like her parents said, “The training wheels are off, and where you ride or whether you hurt yourself is not our problem.”
College isn’t for everyone and if you saved money for your child’s future and they decided not to use it for college I feel like you stole the money if you ended up using it on yourself. Maybe she would change her mind or maybe as I stated college isn’t for everyone and $30k is a nice down payment for a home or to buy a new car. It’s a nice cushion to start the adult world. They didn’t even waste time spending it either.
Money was not for anything but school. Why are you under the impression it was her money to do something with if she didn’t want school?
Load More Replies... You have to accept the fact that your parents don't owe you anything. You are of legal age. Paid for college is great, no, no, look for another way out.
Exactly the daughter and most of these commenters should just be grateful they weren't aborted. I am
Load More Replies... I am definitely with the "YTA" crowd on this - 1 year is way too quick to decide that someone has quit college permanently. Now, if she had been away from school for 3-5 years, that's a another story... but 1 year is barely enough time to catch one's breath and think. It's like a "grace period" of sorts, a time not to make rash decisions.
You can get a pretty luxurious kitchen reno for that kind of money. They probably could have spent half that and still got a nicer more modern kitchen.
Not in the states or maybe I should say not in the Northeast. $30k won't get you the labor for a kitchen reno let alone materials too. Did you see the comment from the guy who said he got a quote for cabinets at 20% off with " nothing special" and the cabinets alone were $20k
Load More Replies... But they didn't actually "warn" her. She asked for the money when she moved out, and they told her it was for tuition and education only. They did not say "and kitchen remodels".
NTA you saved it for her college she said she didn't want to go you told her you would spend it she OK'd it and now is bi***ing you because of it.
The way I see it the daughter is the selfish one. She seems to assume that she is getting the $$ if she went to college or not. Then is mad to find out that's not the way it works. Her parents made the whole deal clear and she made a choice. A bad choice, but hers to make. The parents then went on to do exactly as they stated and used the money for something they had probably wanted / needed for themselves. End of story.
Oof. Ok. ESH, but mostly OP. I'm only not saying yta because OP and OP's wife did tell the daughter, but tbh she probably thought they were bluffing, I would've too
I've never understood this thing about people saving for their child's schooling after they are adults. In Australia, if you want to carry on going to school past high school, you pay for your own university fees.
Lemme explain something to all of you .Not everyone has financial stable parents. I was told I could never afford even community college. My dad worked all his life to save enough money to send me through school. He told me it was pointless to send my straight F brother to a 4yr. Instead he got sick & died. My mom gave my college fund to my brother rather than paying off our 40k medical debit.My brother failed out & my mom pushed him to re-enroll. He got BA in science in math, but completely wastes to be yoga instructor and job he likes. 30 yr old & still dependent on my mom who was depending on my income. I got my first job at 13.Graduated a tech school by 19, then failed, my teacher told me I was too weak & smart for factory work but couldn't afford a degree for desk job.For someone like me, I would've killed for a free ride, not dropout 1st month. I was R got pregnant at 20, disowned. Bought a house,car, got my mom out debt, now 25 going for a doctorate.Life hit me@13 NTA.
I find it crazy how parents pay for their kids college tuition. I graduated like a year ago and I had to take loans to pay for college. I think 30k on a kitchen renov is pretty excessive though. If she dropped out, thats ok imo, but she shouldnt have said college wasnt for her. Thats like a green light saying the parents can use the money. She shouldve said something like taking a year break to relieve the burnout or something. Also the fact that she didnt listen and moved out to live with her bf was a 5head move. Shes already living rent free (probably) with her parents, i dont see what moving out accomplishes.
I don't see a single comment on the fact that not only did she drop out, thats drop out not leaving between semesters as he stated a few months. The real story here would've been how she blew the 30k not on her education but with her boyfriend bc the one line in there where the father said "she requested access to it". That right there says enough to the tune of her entitlement to that money. The fact she expects them to still help is entitlement nothing more. On another note how dare anyone chastise the parents for spending 30k on a kitchen remodel. You have no information about the home they live in the condition of the home & how they came to own that home or the work to get there. If they spent 30k on it, that is a fairly large renovation but maybe they host gatherings with friends, maybe they plan on doing some catering service to get extra money for retirement, who knows. The point is it is their money, their home, & their lives. The father seems justified but still questioned it
If I saved the money then it's MY money! As a parent you're under No obligation to pay for college. If they decide not to go, and I use the money and change their minds later that's on them! This idea that it was somehow "not theirs to spend" is ridiculous
This dad lacks awareness and discernment. He's HER role model and a hypocrite for wanting her to make right choices about future, yet kids do more what they see than hear. He made a bad financial decision and was impulsive too as he spent money he repeatedly said was ONLY for her college in less than a year! Not wise either. She at 19 wanted a gap year to try another way after coming out of a pandemic and being pressured by her boyfriend likely. Her parents had to know she is like them and impulsive/has to experience error first hand and doesn't always stick to the plans like them. They didn't need a 30k reno on a kitchen when they needed to invest! They didn't need to p**s off and handicap their future caregiver. Duh! She doesn't need to move back with bad role models who can't grow. College is a four to five year thing and is not always done in one fell swoop. They had to know this, regret their choices, childishly shift blame and push for her to move back? Smh... How blind?
It was THEIR money all along the sacrificed their other desires for so it would be there. Is she decides school isn't for her, that's her choice. It's caked accountability. She made a choice, knowing the consequences, and played a game of chicken with her own life. Nothing is guaranteed in life, you should've expect anything for free from anyone. They are absolutely NOT the a*s#@le here. And 30k for a full kitchen Remodel is perfectly normal. Sounds like most questioning it don't have an idea what things cost... maybe because you have had things handed to you or can't afford it so never priced it. I never expected my parents to pay for my college and never asked either..I do however help my daughter by letting her stay in my house free, pay half her car insurance, pay for her car and some gas. However, if she expected that of me or told my she did, she would have none of it. 18 you're an adult, no one owes you a thing. Make your own way.
Both. The parents are NTA because they did warn the kid what would happen. Maybe they didn't stress the warning enough but they did apparently tell her that she would lose the tuition money if she didn't go to school. The parents ARE the AH b/c they sure did spend that money awfully fast ESPECIALLY for something cosmetic AND in light of the fact that they "can't help their daughter" now "because they're behind on their retirement saving"... ... ... The parents are full of bs and used the daughter's generic immaturity against her.
If people read it right he stated that they told their daughter that the money is for her college only and just for that. Than went to say basically threatening her if she leaves and go to live with her boyfriend they will be using the money. Trying to control your child is a big no no YTA you spent it out of spite. You was mad because she went to her boyfriends I am sure you didn't agree with him. That kitchen was fine it didn't have nothing wrong with it or you would have led with that. You and your wife sucks. I wouldn't be surprised if she never talks to y'all.. I hope you find love from your kitchen. I hope she succeed on her own and turn her head up on you.
I'm sorry but I done seen parents who saved money for their child's college never touched it for their selves after child decided not to go to college. If the child became successful without college they put the money up for the child's future children. Or if they choose to do drugs and stuff parents normally give the money to charity but only when child is around 30. These ppl has issues.
If the put money aside for her college under a 529 plan and spent it on anything else, there are tax repercussions/penalties for the parents. If the daughter was raised knowing there would be college money for her, it's pretty lame for the parents to take it back. If I were the daughter, I would resent that very much, especially with them paying for another sibling.
On the one hand, the parents did warn their daughter that they would spend the money elsewhere if she didn't continue college. They were the ones who saved up that money, so it is their right to reallocate it. On the other hand, the op says that he and his wife are behind on retirement goals and yet they spent the entire 30k? Shouldn't some of it have gone into the retirement account? Something isn't adding up here.
My issue with this is that kids brains don't stop developing until they're 25, which is when they finally really can foresee action and consequence. I took 2 years off before starting university, so I was 20 when I went. Working for a couple of years in customer service gave me the desire to do something better with my life and so I got straight As, got on the Dean's List and graduated with honours because my parents understood that I needed more time to grow up.and experience.the real world before going to university. And because they didn't spend the money remodeling their kitchen, it allowed me to live in residence and concentrate totally on school.
Mmmm... Tough tough decision : making a kitchen beautiful vs. Helping YOUR KID get an education that will elevate her life.. tough decision indeed.. of course YTA, is it even a question?! But certainly, enjoy your new kitchen walls.
Need more information. Can't figure out who's being manipulative. Inclined to believe the daughter is projecting her manipulative nature onto her parents, because she can't accept the consequences of her behavior. The post is silent about parental disappointment in shacking up with her pet mook. Also no sense if the parents had a history of making manipulative threats involving expectations and financial support. I always have trouble believing people over 40 really care whether they are perceived as As. Their participation always seems more a tool to persuade the other, younger party they ATA, by social media consensus.
She is a god dang adult making adult decisions. She made her bed and must now lay in it. People going around saying a 20 year old isn't an adult is ludicrous.
Big choices have big consequences. She disappointed herself when she dropped out of college to live with a man. Her parents going back on their word that she would loose funding should she drop out taught her a valuable lesson. These are loving parents. Next time she will treasure the good things that others do for her. I'm sure her parents will support her in other ways.
Nta. She said college wasn't for her, you made it clear the money was for her college or it reverts back to you (who earned it and saved it), and suddenly she's ready to go back to college?? That's some bs. Life is hard, she can figure out plan b, which can be community college, work and pay as you go, find an employer who provides tuition assistance, or On the job training. She will be fine, and enjoy the new kitchen! (Which $30k is nothing for a remodel).
People who say 20 is still a child when they expect to be treated like an adult just confuse the issue in their minds. The discussion took place that if she was adult enough to make the decision to drop out and work against parents advice and what the consequences would be then she has to live with said consequences. The attitude of entitlement and no repercussions when they have been made clear at the outset is a hard lesson but that is reality. The offer was made for assistance with a slight drop in expectations and rejected. Most other countries the students have loans and that's just how it is.
NTA, ultimately the money was a good will from her parents side (and still theirs and nobody elses), being aware about the probable future needs, thats called foresight, and decisiveness is a value that obviously their daughter lacks. She cant make decisions w***y nilly and expect the world to abide to her whims. knowing there was already money saved and the possibility of rescind it if she didnt went to college should have been a strong compel to take a deep foresight into her future and stick to her decision; at 20, if she expects her decisions to be able to walk back, then this is the final lesson of her childhood: "you have to be certain in what you choose and weight pros and cons to things in life that involve others, because the world is not out to take care for her; if her parents does that is out of love, not entitlement"
NOT TA. Parents clearly told her the money was for college. SHE de cider not to go. Money belongs to parents. As for kitchen remodel. What planet are you on to say 30k is a ridiculous price for a new kitchen? Have you not seen how high prices are now a days? Bottom line is it’s the parents money and they can spend it any way they want.
Solution for it is for dad and daughter to figure out for whatever decision both took since commenting is easy but saving 30k for daughter is love and hard work and dropping out of college and blaming parents is easy anyway
I agree with the parents 100% the money was put aside to help the daughter with her college education it's the parents money not the daughters so when the daughter drops out of school and says college isn't for her the parents made a decision to invest in their home adding value if they would decide to sell and down size when they retire is a sound investment. A $30 grand kitchen upgrade is very reasonable obviously most people who thinks this is over priced have never remodeled a kitchen. The parents offered her free housing so she could attend a community college is a great solution to the daughters bad decision. Young people have to learn there are consequences to their decisions.
Have these parents never heard of a gap year? It actually was a good decision on the Daughter's behalf to drop out early if she was feeling like something was off and she felt like what she was studying wasn't for her. Better to drop out early and take time yo figure out what you want to do in life than it is to stay in school studying and then realize in your third years after you are close to 100 thousand dollars in the hole that you don't really want to get a job in the field you're studying. So yeah... parents jumped the gun quite a bit here. And spending 30k remodeling a kitchen is probably one of the dumbest financial decisions they vould have made.
Not at all the AH. Girl is 20, is an adult and made the choice to go her own way. PARENTS ARE NOT REQUIRED TO PAY FOR COLLEGE under ANY circumstances. Parents can save for college and then later decide to use the money for other purposes. The girl did not do as parents advised, knew better then them and did her own thing. That is her right as an adult even if she makes bad choices. Welcome to adulthood! If you wish to go to college, get student loans and a part time job and pay for it yourself. Many, many, many people do that. Lesson learned, actions have consequences. You wanted to be an adult and make your own decisions, great, now grow up and live with the consequences of your actions!
There are consequences your decisions in life. The money belonged to the parents. They saved it not their daughter. She was warned what would happen. It was her decision to say college wasn't for her. Thats the problem with young people today they think they aren't responsible for their decisions. To bad for the daughter figure out your going to pay for your education. Your an adult now.
The people that are saying he's TA most likely are kids themselves or parents of entitled children. She did NOT take a "gap year" There was probably a year or at least a semester paid for when she QUIT after a few months (wasted money) and said "college isn't for me." She then moved out and started a new life. It wasn't her money to begin with, so by walking away from it all, why not use it instead of retirement savings to do something that needed to be done in the house? I paid for college myself, and all 3 of my kids are working their way through. Yes I help when I can, but working for your OWN goals is what builds character and integrity. So no, he's NTA.
Kids these days... Money comes from a thing called "work", don't they know?
Personally, I think it's ridiculous this is even an argument. The parents laid out the conditions pure and simple. It is up to you to follow those conditions. I paid my own way through college (paid out of pocket and went to military). My parents offered to help take out loans but I didn't like the idea of my parents and myself taking out loans once I understood the concept of interest rates. I grew up immediately with the help of this and realized how far off my perception of the world was comparative to how it truly is. I'm now a 30 year old engineer who has just realized we never stop learning all there is to the world for our lifespan is far too short. The daughter needs to evidently learn about the world she's living in. Giving handouts with unsettled conditions with unlimited second chances they'll never learn. How is she suppose to be successful if she doesn't understand the opportunities given to her by just following simple rules?
I don't really understand this thinking that the parents owe the children a college education; the young adult owes himself/herself an education - after all, that is the job while growing up. I When the parents help with college later, that's a bonus. So, they used the money - their money - for their house, after the daughter decided to quit and pursue life with boyfriend, I'm not sure how much discussion there was about that decision. Girl, put on your big girl panties, and grow into them. After all, at 18 you became an adult.
They're NTA. They've offered to help pay for a cheaper one and let her move back in. She just learned a big lesson, life isn't fair and people suck. If she wants a helping hand she should compromise. They don't have to pay for anything she's a grownup. Her brother followed their rules. Should they have waited, if she was warned then no once again it's their money. Just like if they saved for a wedding that didn't happen. They still wouldn't give her that money because guess what no wedding means no free money. Besides she's lucky she even got money given in the first place she spat in their faces over it if course they'd use it for something they want. Good on the parents for improving their home. I mean hopefully they stay in good with their son because I can't see how the daughter and their relationship will bounce back from this unless she does move back in etc. If I'd had parents offering to pay 30k for school I'd have gone even if I didn't want to. She was a fool.
‘There’s this expectation’…really, among who? Don’t start a sentence with ‘Like if’; it makes you sound ten years old. What ‘free money’? You mean the money dad saved out of his income? It’s not his fault a 20 year old doesn’t believe what he says about a very specific subject. Daughter made her choice knowing the financial consequences to her college fund and it’s not her parents’ fault her decision didn’t work out. This is why you consider carefully when ignoring the advice of someone with decades of real world experience. Thirty thousand is not an unusual amount to spend on a really nice kitchen, contrary to other comments posted.
You're not guaranteed any money at all from your parents to have any kind of inheritance. With the costs of medical and nursing home care, your parents will probably be on Medicaid which means all of their assets are used to pay for their care. Which means you get zero inheritance from them. If you go at any college they have financial aid offices and you can apply for student loans up to 57,500 per person in your lifetime to go to a public 2 year or four year university with up to 25-year to repay. So yes, anyone can go to college now with financial aid as long as you don't have a felony record. By myself have over $50,000 of student financial aid debt and I have a BS in Biology and an AAS in Network Administration from a two-year public college So no,it's not unusual to have financial aid debt after going to college with grants and loans.
1. I don't know where you all in Bored Panda world live, but $30,000 for a kitchen remodel is incredibly reasonable. They got medium-priced everything (flooring, appliances, cabinets, etc.) to finish the project with that totsl. 2. The value of their biggest asset, their house, has presumably increased if the remodel was well-done. This means that they actually did add to their retirement funds, albeit indirectly. Obviously there are a lot of variables at play there, but in general kitchen (& bath) remodels give owners the best return on their $$$ when selling. 3. Maybe I would have split the money & gone 50% kitchen & 50% possible future tuition, just in case she reconsidered after working in the grueling food service industry. (This must have taken place preCOVID?) Nevertheless, there should be some increased equity in their asset, which they could borrow against for tuition (or anything else) if daughter is serious about school.
Look at the ammount of people her who believe they are ENTITLED to stuff as adults at other peoples expense and how their actions shouldn't have consequences that everyone else has.
It was her PARENTS MONEY, they saved it, she didn't so it's not her money. Daughter didn't take her education seriously, why should parents not spend it on what they need.
All of you privileged people can mute. It took me over 20 years, raising my children and working my a**e off 6 days a week as a single mum for years, to FINALLY get my bachelor's degree. I'm still paying on my loans and I'm still stuck living paycheck to paycheck. My son got scholarships to pay for double bachelor's degrees and my daughter, after some time in the army, wants nothing to do with college. My generation was taught to grow up, take responsibility for myself, and my actions. Their daughter did and then backtracked. Nope. Posters, ignore the haters, you did right and I am sure your kitchen is beautiful.
YTA. Think about WHY you saved that money for her education. Probably because you know that education can be a very important part of a successful and stable future, and you wanted that for your daughter. You wanted her to be successful, and you knew that your help would increase those chances. However, apparently the second she made one "bad" decision, and then didn't listen to your advice, you no longer wanted to help her? Honestly, in a way, she was saving money because she wasn't going to college and taking classes that she might not have used, or done poorly in because she wasn't ready. Also, you can be "right" and still be an a**hole. So even if you think you are somehow right for spending the money that quickly after she dropped out because you warned her, you are still an a**hole for actually doing it.
My daughter is about to interview for med school. She has paid for everything with scholarships and may get a full ride to medical school as well. No loans, none of my savings, it's all her hard work. If costs the parents $30k out of pocket that kid isn't smart enough for college.
Girlfriend needs to go to CC and work her way into a scholarship, grants along with a job. The agreement to fund college was conditional on her going to college. She dropped out and said she wasn't going anymore. That's her problem. Unless that money was in a 509 to be used strictly for her education, it's just a gift with conditions that she rejected. She has no legal nor morale recourse. If I were the parents, I'd probably still have must of it saved up but her a*s would not get a dime of it. This is not punishment. You can't go ask the bank for a mortgage then take the money to go buy a car. And if you're going to change your mind about the mortgage all together, you're supposed to give it back. The bank is not required to keep it around for you, keep the interest rate they gave it to you at or even qualify you for it next time around. You're getting free rent so take that while you can because that offer doesn't have to stay open either. What in the world of entitlement fuckery?!
She said college wasnt for her, She didnt say she was taking a year off. , so too bad for her. For everyone bitching about remodeling a kitchen and being behind on retirement, perhaps they were planning to sell before retirement an a kitchen upgrade added value to the home. Either way, its ultimately their money and if they made it clear as to how it works, bvb the" o thought they were bluffung" BS is silly, even for a 20yo.
I was a young single mom with 2 special needs children. I waited until they were school age and began taking classes in a community college, amassing as many credits as I could before transferring to State College. I asked nothing of my parents, who had 4 other children at home. I eventually got my Masters. It took awhile, but I did it on my own.
Parents do not owe their children a college education. She had a chance and she chose not to continue her education. 30K is not much for a kitchen remodel these days. I have a friend just remodel his small kitchen for $40K, and it wasn't even a high end upgrade.
It's not the daughter's money to begin with. My wife paid for here own degrees. I joined the military stayed for 12 years and had my degree paid for. Parents don't owe their kids anything except food, shelter, clothing and love. Other than that, it's on the daughter who is a 20 year old adult. Everybody saying they blew their money on a kitchen upgrade even though they're behind on retirement are crazy. The number one upgrade to a house is the kitchen. Which adds value to their house. You know, an investment. You kids now a days have it too easy
Not everyone has a rich parent that help their kids with college tuition, how about the daughter go get a part time job and apply for student loan then repay it after graduate from college like the rest of us common folks. When i went to college the only help i got from my parents is books and supply, for tuition i got help from student loan and stuff, i would love it if my parents can help but we not rich and i can understand what my parents couldn't afford. I think the daughter just spoiled and think she will always get help from parents whenever she needs help, thats what happen when you come from a well off family, do you know what parents from a poor family tell their kids. At least thats what my parents tell me during growing up, son you need to learn to take care of your own problems, mom and dad does not live forever and if god forbid something happen to us what are you gonna do. I was probably 14 or 15 when i first hear them say that and they been reminding me of this ever since.
Wow. What a bunch of spoiled brats making these comments. She made her choice and it was an adult decision with adult consequences. Aren't these kids telling us how much smarter and grown up they are? Now they are saying the parents should have "known better". Make up your mind kiddies, you either pick being adults and accepting the consequences or you get treated like the immature brats you really are.
I'd love to see the look on your face now, when you walk into the club and find her on the pole...or worse.
Sounds like you're just angry she didn't want to immediately take the life path you chose for her. You wanted to pay for her college to help in her future career so that she'd have a leg up in life, right? There are a ton of ways that money could have been used to help her other than education. What if she ended up loving that restaurant job and wanted to go to culinary school in a few years instead? Or she needed money to open her own restaurant? You saved that money to help HER life, and then you stole it rather than think about other ways it could have helped her.
YTA. Since your daughter decided to drop out of college, I think there were two things you could've done as a parent. One, you could've at least held on to the funds for the duration that college would've taken, I'm assuming it's 4 years in your country. The second thing would be to give her the money to use as she deems fit since she felt college was not for her. Also, seeing she only took a year off, you could at least pay half because she is still very young.
18 is the legal age to make your own decisions but your brain is still developing reasoning skills. Making stupid mistakes is going to be part of that journey. Did you have it all figured out at her age? Did you give her that grace period? No. Investing in her future should've been the bigger decision then a new kitchen reno. Yes it's your money but she's also your daughter and part of parenting is to be there also when your kids make bad decisions. The fact that she decided to return to school was a good decision because her few life experiences taught her how to turn those bad decisions around. You should be proud of her instead of beating your chest in a. ...I told you so.... You've got a good kid there and you can't see it. YTA.
Remind them that they can pay for their own nursing home rooms, and you aren't planning on visiting when that time comes. Hope their kitchen was worth it
NTA. I think it's important to support your children's education, but when they say they're not going to go, drop out, and move on with life then that is that. Perhaps she relied too heavily on the expectation that her parents would be there if it didn't work out. While it's nice that she felt safe to do so, it's also something that will hold her back in the future if she doesn't learn personal responsibility. She walked away from the perks of the college experience on her parent's dime. Community college is not that expensive and she can take classes and save money for school.
Dad, to begin with you save the money for her college but she decided to dropped out. She chooses her path drop her chance and left the house over a guy. Did She know when she left home to be with the guy ,she also left her parent with all the disappointment?so your decision matter and valid. Honestly, it'Lucky for her that you both are still alive ,whom can still offered her place to stay and having food on the table. Bad decision are bad decision, she has to bear the consequences. let her learn her lesson.You have to make this clear to her, the day she decided to drop her college and chooses her path, She's no longer a child. You can't just throw yourself against your parents will and later come back demanded for something you claims yours. Parent doesn't owe anything to their child , you don't need to feel bad,it's your money, your priority is you and your wife happiness. Enough of those ungrateful children.They still young and healthy still can work and earn money.NTA .
Though one, definitely no innocents here. In one way daughter did make bad decision and should definitely learn to live with consequences of such decision. And her excuse or reasoning is poor at best. And on the other side, her parents decided to go for complete ignorance and played stupid, so they could spend all 30k on renovating kitchen(?), or more likely other stuff too. Like it doesn't take genius to figure out that this scenario was likely to happen, young adults making spontaneous decisions is normal and at 20 many still aren't really fully mature. It was very predictable that she might return, like waiting a year or two to see if decision is permanent wouldn't kill them and old kitchen doesn't sound like it was unusable. So all I see here are bad decisions of selfish people. And just because they got right to do what they all did, that doesn't make it fine.
Waahhh...my mommy and daddy didnt hold money for me to go to college...what now.... Pay for self to get through school. It's hard but very possible.
Look up tuition costs at your local state university. "Very possible" is not an accurate description of the situation.
Load More Replies... I would not feel comfortable spending my daughters safety net because every parent knows they gonna make dumb a*s decisions sometimes thats the gig! Its hard enough out here I wouldn't have left her to some "boyfriend" to assure her future! 30k for a kitchen remodeling? Question did the water coming out the faucet from Jesus's shoe? That's they only way I'm paying 30k for it 😒
Please remember that this student went to college during Covid if they are 20 now and considering going back to college. I went to right before covid and at the start of 2020 everyone was sent home from my university due to the pandemic and it took over a year for in person classes to resume. This doesn't work for everyone and a LOT of students took "breaks" for a year or two during the pandemic.
Yes, you are e definitely a MAJOR AH! I cannot believe what you did, & you RATIONALIZE your greed! Putting a remodeling job above the value and the absolute need for your daughter to have an education. It's insane.. To say that you betrayed your daughter is an understatement & there are no words to describe how low you go. You and your wife should come up with the 30 plus K that you're daughter is entitled to for her education. I would not blame your daughter, if you don't do that, to never speak to either of you again. You & your wife delivered a huge slap in the face for your daughter. You both show so little regard and such great disrespect for her it's sickening.
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