10 Y.O. Is Defended By His Mother Against Relative’s Inappropriate Parentification Attempts
Paintings depicting children who look like a bit awkward mini-adults rather than real-life kids were popular during various historical periods, but ‘had their peak’ in the Middle Ages. Even though we might have different preferences when it comes to art, one might as well agree that a person looking at a real child and seeing nothing but a physically smaller version of an adult, figuratively speaking, is twice as unsettling as such depictions in art – for the simple reason that understanding and treating a child like an adult might be damaging to him. No wonder this Redditor snapped when her late husband’s brother told her 10 Y.O. son to be “the man of the house”.
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Woman snapped after her late husband’s brother told her 10 Y.O. son to be “the man of the house”
Image credits: wrigglytoes.com.au (not the actual photo)
Since this woman’s husband passed 3 months ago, she has been struggling trying to balance her grief and her responsibilities, including her 3 children
Image credits: Few-Rush-5955
Image credits: Boys in Bristol Photography (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Few-Rush-5955
Image credits: Marco Verch Professional Photographer (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Few-Rush-5955
Her BIL’s wife offered to help and was looking after one of the children, while the mother took another child to her activities
Image credits: Masha Raymers (not the actual photo)
The woman came back to her BIL telling her son it was his responsibility to make sure the household was in order
This story seems to depict a strong willed-woman and her troubles trying to protect her kids from the generations-deep problem of parentifying kids. As she explains, her late husband’s older brother was himself parentified after his father’s death during his childhood. However, it might have never reached this woman’s kids if not for the loss of her husband 3 month ago.
This woman shares she has been struggling to balance her grief and taking care of her three children aged 12, 10 and 3 in addition to all her other responsibilities. However, she explains she has a great support system and has been able to make sure her children have their childhood.
However, anyone who has kids knows that from time to time, despite one’s best efforts, keeping it together becomes a bit challenging. When this woman got to such a point, her brother-in-law’s wife offered to help. And this is what led to a scene in the kitchen, as the kids’ mother came back home to her brother-in-law parentifying her 10-year-old son. The boy’s uncle was putting the responsibility for keeping the house in order on the kid’s shoulders and telling the boy to be “the man of the house”.
This naturally enraged the mother, as despite the man’s out-of-place accusations that she was being ungrateful and claiming he was “only trying to help”, the woman could see the damaging parentifying behavior for what it was. Even this man’s seemingly selfless and good intentions were compromised after he argued that he was only trying to protect his wife as it wasn’t her job to help the mother.
The man didn’t considering that his wife offered to help herself and it wasn’t even a common occurrence. Not to mention that this man’s efforts to “protect his wife” were taking the wrong measures anyway. Stressing the kid out with some generic claims about him taking over the father’s role could not be of help here and were definitely not this man’s responsibility.
Trying to protect her child, the woman interrupted the man’s rant and told her son to not listen to his uncle, as he is a little boy and “it is not his job to take over for his father. Rather, it’s his job to play, go to school and just be a kid.” Finally, the boy’s mother threatened to never let her brother-in-law see her kids if he tries parentifying them again.
After being strict to her brother-in-law, the woman eventually took heat from his family, who were claiming it is “all he knows” and she shouldn’t have threatened to cut him off, in addition to the extended family pushing some parenting advice on her and accusing her of alienating her brother-in-law’s family.
The woman told her son to not listen to his uncle as “he is just a little boy and it is not his job to take over for his father”
Image credits: Ron Lach (not the actual photo)
The mother threatened not to let her BIL see her kids if he tries parentifying them again
Nivida Chandra, psychologist and researcher, notes that the term “parentification” was introduced in 1967 and was described as delegating parenting roles to children. One might say that parentification has to do with inappropriate and harmful role reversal between children and their parents.
The term was later expanded by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, who emphasized that it is the imbalance of give-and-take between parents and children that is often the source of deep problems in parentified children.
Chandra makes an important distinction between parentified children when the reason or excuse for their taking on responsibilities normally associated with parents is clear and when it is not. The former consists of parentified children in families that have suffered parental death, divorce, poverty, or war, and these children tend to have an available narrative at their disposal that can help them explain and understand or make sense of the source of their struggle.
In such situations, it is most of the time at least understandable to the children and to others why more is demanded from them than from other children. However, when there seems to be no obvious excuse for a child’s sense of burden, it becomes challenging in its own way to explain, understand and finally to regulate it.
In her study “Parentified children grow up: dual patterns of high and low functioning” Chase, Nancy D. notes that parentified children tend to take on many responsibilities long before they are ready psychologically or otherwise to handle them, and before they can protect themselves from such enmeshment. Such people who were parentified as children tend to construct a false understanding of the self which is based on the wishes, needs, and vulnerabilities of a parent.
John Byng-Hall suggests that family therapy can help to interrupt the cycle of passing the destructive parentification of children through generations and helping to deal with the current problems associated with treating children not according to their age.
The scholar explains that the goal of such therapy is to reduce the parent’s need to turn to a child for care. This often includes working on the adult relationships in such a way that they are able to provide sufficient mutual support to each other and thus are able to resist the urge to put such a burden on children.
Redditors backed the mother for keeping healthy boundaries for her kids:
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If I offer to help someone there is still a line, I do not believe that I then have the right to inflict my opinions on others. They do not "owe me". My choice to offer to help, if that offer is taken, I do what I offered to do but it shouldn't shift any boundaries - unless a two-way conversation opens up. It's like advice - you can give it, but no-one is obliged to take it, and it certainly doesn't open the door to dictating. I'm not being as articulate as I want, but basically, BIL is an a**e.
Exactly. He wasn't defending his wife. He's one of those who thinks "I had to have a miserable childhood, so this kid must as well." And it's not unusual for a SIL to help out a recent widow with some housecleaning. That's basic kindness.
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1/Don’t parent other people’s kids, unless they are on board with it 2/Don’t assume that anyone wants their kids to be brought up the way that their in-laws did it 3/Don’t tell a recently bereaved widow that she’s not doing a good enough job raising her kids 4/Don’t tell a recently grieved widow that she shouldn’t be able to confide in you. If you do one of these things, you risk damaging your relationship with her and the family. If you do all of these things, you risk damaging your relationship with her and the family and it will absolutely be your fault. If you lose touch with your nieces/nephews/grandchildren, it will be your fault. If you do all of these things, and then your family close ranks to tell the grieving mother that it is her fault, you are simply bad people. In addition, the same will be done to you, by the same people, when *you* need help.
This is so sad. And it's a sad example of children's emotions being dismissed and devalued. The whole family lost their dad. Not just the mom. The kids too. They are all grieving and of course they all need to step up and do more than normal. But still it's horrible to tell a child to 'become the man in the house '. No, they're not a 'man' now, they're still a child and still have a children's needs. They have to come to term with being a half orphan. But they do not need to take the role of a parent. And can we please acknowledge the underlying misogyny of the whole situation? It definitely wasn't his place to single out her only male child to set him up for the toxic idea that he has to regulate his sisters and his own mom! He's not even the oldest child! He's just ten years old for heavens sake. He's not a 'man'by any means and not more capable than his own mother to manage the family just because he's male! Stop that BS
The uncle had a miserable childhood because he was parentified. So he had to pour his poison along somewhere. Probably thought it would help him feel better to see another kid suffering like he did.
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Yeah, as someone who spent their life being parentified (and both my folks were alive and well, just more concerned with their careers and social lives than their kids), I had WAYYYY too much responsibility way too soon. At 13, because my dad decided that it would be good for me to help friends of his, I spent the summer 10 hours a day with 4 kids (ages 9-4), was expected to keep the house clean, feed breakfast and lunch, and have dinner going for when the parents came home. And these kids were absolute hellions. I could not keep up with it all, the mother was constantly pissed at me, and I finally broke down and didn't stop crying for like two days. My father's response? Grow up. And he still doesn't understand why I have CPTSD. Let kids be kids. It really messes them up if you don't.
That is messed up. I am so sorry you grew up being dismissed and told to "grow up". You were working a full-time ĵob at 13. That's not normal and it was wrong for them to gaslight you that way 😔
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Sounds like distance from the late father's family might be in the kids' best interest.
I hope she talks to her son about it again and reiterates that he is not going to step up and be the new dad. That kind of thing can get cemented in kids heads in a bad way
That last sentence hit hard for me. My dad used to tell me it was my responsibility to make sure my younger sister is well behaved and all that since she was about a year old. The biggest problem? I was only 3 years older than her. Until recently I had that sort of mindset. And after my parents divorced, my mum used to tell me to leave it all in the past but as an 8 year old then, I felt bad for still remembering things he did or said, even though I went to his house every weekend so it wasn't like he completely disappeared from my life. And my mum got mad a few times when I mentioned him so that made it all the more worse. Sorry for the long rant, I don't think I've ever said(or typed) all this in one go :/
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NTA, but your husband was clearly the diamond in the rough in his family. Your family just lost one of its own, and your lives are irrevocably changed. How dare his family impose their BS on you, then criticize you when you refuse to accept it?
I wish I had had a mother like you after my daddy died. I was only nine. First week of school. And my aunt told me I needed to step up and be strong for mom. That MOM needed ME (she did this on the night my dad died) I already felt it was my fault he died (kids blame themselves when parents separate, why not when they die? I did.) This led to my taking on emotional responsibility for my mother, who put parenting responsibilities on me for my then 6 yr old brother. I was miserably unhappy and felt abandoned and tried to commit suicide the next school year. I can honestly say I feel like God intervened in that moment and I was thwarted in my attempt.... But dam it never should have gotten to that level of pressure on me. It's never easy to be a good parent, but I see you. You are doing your best on any given day and you ferociously love your kids. Way to go.
When my dad died I was 10, my sister was 12 and my brother was 8. We had a retired grandmother on my dad’s side and a working grandmother on mum’s side. They were both amazing but they could only do so much. Mum had to go to work full time and my sister took on far too much responsibility for me and my brother. It’s not something I would ever wish on any child. I do remember my grandmother on my mum’s side telling my brother that he was the man of the house now though. At age 8. That sort of talk in the 1980’s was out of time and is more so now.
NTA 10 000%. OP and her children have it bad enough ad it is! They don't need more trauma on top of their current grief and situation! As for the BIL - as mich as i understand his background... It doesn't excuse him trying to traumatise Gabe! And the MIL.... I'd politely but in no uncertain ways tell her to f**k off and don't try pulling the same s**t parenting with OP's family!
NTA!! While the in-laws lost their son, brother, uncle, etc, OP and her kids lost a husband and dad, and that is what they (the in-laws) have lost sight of! Three months ago is VERY recent, and the wounds are still fresh; however, kudos to OP for trying to navigate her kids into this "new normal"! The only person who had offered help was BIL's wife, which was appreciated and accepted by OP. BIL resented his wife going over to help out OP and tried to bully his nephew (who is TEN FREAKING YEARS OLD) into being "the man of the house", which was out of line! He's projecting HIS trauma onto the kid, and OP put a stop to it. In a way, she's saying, "Sorry you didn't have a childhood because you were tasked in caring for the younger kids, but that's NOT gonna happen on MY watch with MY kid, got it?" BIL gets all into his feelings and got the other family members to attack OP, who defended what she did. Perhaps the in-laws should be "low to no contact" for a while!
I was fifteen and the oldest of five when our dad died suddenly. Everyone told me that I had to step up and help fill in for him. They weren't wrong. What bothered me was that they thought that I needed to be told this.
Perhaps this is an unpopular opinion, but her overreaction makes her the AH. She could have calmly told her BIL that she didn't want to raise her son that way. Why do people have to escalate things for seemingly no reason?
Calmly talking to her BIL may have been the better option. However, she has understandable reasons for failing to do so. She is grieving, worn down, and exhausted. She has no energy to put up with c**p from people who are (theoretically) there to support her. Even more so, she is doing her job as the mother of her child. She heard someone putting toxic untruths in her kid's head. If the uncle had been telling the boy that he was weak, and a wimp for crying about his dad, or that he was stupid and nobody liked him, I would not expect the mom to say, "Now [uncle], we don't say things like that in this house, tell him you are sorry." Personally, I would blow up at the person, and let them know that such treatment of any child, let alone mine, is cruel and appalling, and that such behavior would never be tolerated in my family or presence. Part of protecting her son here is letting him see her emphatic defense of him.
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Whilst not defending him at all, maybe the Uncle isn't able to understand that what happened to him was wrong? In his mind he was trying to help - but - obviously didn't. Maybe in the future he may come to understand the situation
The whole "man of the house"-Stuff sounds like patriarchal büllshit to me.
So many thoughts... As a widow with a kid, I can definitely say that at three months after my husband's death, I still wasn't able to plan my way out of a wet paper bag. I didn't have a support system like this woman; I had to come to grips with the fact my house sometimes just can't keep itself together. And if my son - ten at the time - was unhappy about it, then he needed to help. He is awesome at helping. That said, parentification is when a child is forced to take on the role of the parent [to the parent]. Asking them to step up to do things that a spouse did - like stand on the counter to reach things that are too tall, even with your stool - is not parentification.
I would have been more understanding about dude asking the kid to step up if he had asked the eldest kid to step up. After all, he had to step into a role of responsibility because his dad died (I did, too. I was 11 when my step-dad died, and as my siblings and I got older, I found myself being a back-up parent when my mom couldn't - she was in the hospital a lot). But! He didn't ask the oldest; he asked the boy. So it wasn't about being capable and helping a mom out. It was about being the man of the house. And that... is just f*****g useless. So the kid got a trauma, wrapped in sexism, dumped on him by a not-parent, in the middle of grieving his own loss. And that is just not anything any freshly widowed mom needs to be dealing with.
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It is SO HARD to be a single parent through terrible grief. It feels there is no way to do it right. Even with all mom's protections and care, those children are going to grow up suddenly in a way she can't protect them from, because you can't protect their hearts from grief. Let her protect them the best she can. Whatever good but old-fashioned intentions the uncle had, hopefully he will come to see why they weren't welcomed.
My father was killed in an industrial accident when I was 5 years old. My mom had supportive people around her. I got the whole "help your mother!" c**p piled on me. I was 5. And no one seemed to consider that I was grieving too.
My mother had a debilitating stroke when I was 10. I had no choice but to become the woman of the house. I learned to cook properly, wash and iron clothes- including my father's airforce uniform, clean, shop and still was expected to get good grades at school, which I never missed not even for a day. I have resented this all my life...
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So sorry for you lost, speaking as a adult who lost their dad at 8 l give you credit for putting your kids 1st I was made to do many things to help from cleaning to cooking and hold a lot of resentment for it especially when my brother did not he is a few years older. Too at 3 months you all must still be grieving, you know your own children and know when to they can handle more responsibility. I wanted my children to have a long childhood because of what happened to me, I know life is harder at the moment but you are strong and will learn to cope hats off to you for thinking of children and chances are had you put more on your son everyone would be calling you selfish but you are not you're putting others 1st. All the best for the future 🥰
Im so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine. I can offer to help or not. That's my choice. That doesn't give me or anyone else to give an opinion on how you should be doing things or telling your children how to behave. I have two nieces and a nephew. I tell my nephew and you gets niece to step up but that's because they're privileged and spoiled but I'm never ugly about it. I May or May not have yelled at least once "Get off your a*s and coke take this trash out," when I'm staying w them but I digress. I would still never tell my sister how to raise her children just as I tell her to shut up when she's attempted to tell me how to raise my son. (The proof is in the pudding. Ha) But, while she's a single mom, they have a dad and the kids are their responsibility. Not mine. I can't imagine telling someone else's child they need to "be the man of the family." I'm praying for you, OP. Keep taking the high ground while standing your ground. They're ALL the AH!!
The kid is ten freaking years old. What does he expect him to do? Get a stepstool and do a sink full of dishes, drive his siblings to their activities, and mow and rake the lawn while he's at it? He's TEN.
Martin's pissed because he doesn't get to humblebrag to people about this manly moment he had with his grieving nephew about manning up manfully.
I think op's in-laws need to be forced to sit down and watch the show Shameless. I think the show will probably give them a very harsh slap of reality and the damage caused by being parentified. I was parentified but not for my twin sister...Just like Fiona, I had to drag my father into the apartment when he was drunk and couldn't walk straight. As in, he walked straight into the patio door and fell on his back. He would pass out on the couch because he was drunk. I was in charge of doing his laundry, changing his bedsheets, and making him food. Of course, I wasn't as young as Fiona but I was in middle school. As the oldest two kids in our Gen Z Cousins, We were tasked with watching 9 kids since we were around 7. It was hard watching 9 kids and trying to keep them for hurting themselves in very... interesting (?) Ways. Most of the kids were toddlers and the adults had two 7 year olds watching them. The 7 year olds being me and my twin sister.
Seems that she is still very raw. Everyone is grieving, including BIL. She can't protect her children from suffering, I am afraid... their life is forever changed. Intentions count. BIL intentions were not bad. Execution was poor. Hope everyone copes better in the future. Horrible situation
If I offer to help someone there is still a line, I do not believe that I then have the right to inflict my opinions on others. They do not "owe me". My choice to offer to help, if that offer is taken, I do what I offered to do but it shouldn't shift any boundaries - unless a two-way conversation opens up. It's like advice - you can give it, but no-one is obliged to take it, and it certainly doesn't open the door to dictating. I'm not being as articulate as I want, but basically, BIL is an a**e.
Exactly. He wasn't defending his wife. He's one of those who thinks "I had to have a miserable childhood, so this kid must as well." And it's not unusual for a SIL to help out a recent widow with some housecleaning. That's basic kindness.
Load More Replies... 1/Don’t parent other people’s kids, unless they are on board with it 2/Don’t assume that anyone wants their kids to be brought up the way that their in-laws did it 3/Don’t tell a recently bereaved widow that she’s not doing a good enough job raising her kids 4/Don’t tell a recently grieved widow that she shouldn’t be able to confide in you. If you do one of these things, you risk damaging your relationship with her and the family. If you do all of these things, you risk damaging your relationship with her and the family and it will absolutely be your fault. If you lose touch with your nieces/nephews/grandchildren, it will be your fault. If you do all of these things, and then your family close ranks to tell the grieving mother that it is her fault, you are simply bad people. In addition, the same will be done to you, by the same people, when *you* need help.
This is so sad. And it's a sad example of children's emotions being dismissed and devalued. The whole family lost their dad. Not just the mom. The kids too. They are all grieving and of course they all need to step up and do more than normal. But still it's horrible to tell a child to 'become the man in the house '. No, they're not a 'man' now, they're still a child and still have a children's needs. They have to come to term with being a half orphan. But they do not need to take the role of a parent. And can we please acknowledge the underlying misogyny of the whole situation? It definitely wasn't his place to single out her only male child to set him up for the toxic idea that he has to regulate his sisters and his own mom! He's not even the oldest child! He's just ten years old for heavens sake. He's not a 'man'by any means and not more capable than his own mother to manage the family just because he's male! Stop that BS
The uncle had a miserable childhood because he was parentified. So he had to pour his poison along somewhere. Probably thought it would help him feel better to see another kid suffering like he did.
Load More Replies... Yeah, as someone who spent their life being parentified (and both my folks were alive and well, just more concerned with their careers and social lives than their kids), I had WAYYYY too much responsibility way too soon. At 13, because my dad decided that it would be good for me to help friends of his, I spent the summer 10 hours a day with 4 kids (ages 9-4), was expected to keep the house clean, feed breakfast and lunch, and have dinner going for when the parents came home. And these kids were absolute hellions. I could not keep up with it all, the mother was constantly pissed at me, and I finally broke down and didn't stop crying for like two days. My father's response? Grow up. And he still doesn't understand why I have CPTSD. Let kids be kids. It really messes them up if you don't.
That is messed up. I am so sorry you grew up being dismissed and told to "grow up". You were working a full-time ĵob at 13. That's not normal and it was wrong for them to gaslight you that way 😔
Load More Replies... Sounds like distance from the late father's family might be in the kids' best interest.
I hope she talks to her son about it again and reiterates that he is not going to step up and be the new dad. That kind of thing can get cemented in kids heads in a bad way
That last sentence hit hard for me. My dad used to tell me it was my responsibility to make sure my younger sister is well behaved and all that since she was about a year old. The biggest problem? I was only 3 years older than her. Until recently I had that sort of mindset. And after my parents divorced, my mum used to tell me to leave it all in the past but as an 8 year old then, I felt bad for still remembering things he did or said, even though I went to his house every weekend so it wasn't like he completely disappeared from my life. And my mum got mad a few times when I mentioned him so that made it all the more worse. Sorry for the long rant, I don't think I've ever said(or typed) all this in one go :/
Load More Replies... NTA, but your husband was clearly the diamond in the rough in his family. Your family just lost one of its own, and your lives are irrevocably changed. How dare his family impose their BS on you, then criticize you when you refuse to accept it?
I wish I had had a mother like you after my daddy died. I was only nine. First week of school. And my aunt told me I needed to step up and be strong for mom. That MOM needed ME (she did this on the night my dad died) I already felt it was my fault he died (kids blame themselves when parents separate, why not when they die? I did.) This led to my taking on emotional responsibility for my mother, who put parenting responsibilities on me for my then 6 yr old brother. I was miserably unhappy and felt abandoned and tried to commit suicide the next school year. I can honestly say I feel like God intervened in that moment and I was thwarted in my attempt.... But dam it never should have gotten to that level of pressure on me. It's never easy to be a good parent, but I see you. You are doing your best on any given day and you ferociously love your kids. Way to go.
When my dad died I was 10, my sister was 12 and my brother was 8. We had a retired grandmother on my dad’s side and a working grandmother on mum’s side. They were both amazing but they could only do so much. Mum had to go to work full time and my sister took on far too much responsibility for me and my brother. It’s not something I would ever wish on any child. I do remember my grandmother on my mum’s side telling my brother that he was the man of the house now though. At age 8. That sort of talk in the 1980’s was out of time and is more so now.
NTA 10 000%. OP and her children have it bad enough ad it is! They don't need more trauma on top of their current grief and situation! As for the BIL - as mich as i understand his background... It doesn't excuse him trying to traumatise Gabe! And the MIL.... I'd politely but in no uncertain ways tell her to f**k off and don't try pulling the same s**t parenting with OP's family!
NTA!! While the in-laws lost their son, brother, uncle, etc, OP and her kids lost a husband and dad, and that is what they (the in-laws) have lost sight of! Three months ago is VERY recent, and the wounds are still fresh; however, kudos to OP for trying to navigate her kids into this "new normal"! The only person who had offered help was BIL's wife, which was appreciated and accepted by OP. BIL resented his wife going over to help out OP and tried to bully his nephew (who is TEN FREAKING YEARS OLD) into being "the man of the house", which was out of line! He's projecting HIS trauma onto the kid, and OP put a stop to it. In a way, she's saying, "Sorry you didn't have a childhood because you were tasked in caring for the younger kids, but that's NOT gonna happen on MY watch with MY kid, got it?" BIL gets all into his feelings and got the other family members to attack OP, who defended what she did. Perhaps the in-laws should be "low to no contact" for a while!
I was fifteen and the oldest of five when our dad died suddenly. Everyone told me that I had to step up and help fill in for him. They weren't wrong. What bothered me was that they thought that I needed to be told this.
Perhaps this is an unpopular opinion, but her overreaction makes her the AH. She could have calmly told her BIL that she didn't want to raise her son that way. Why do people have to escalate things for seemingly no reason?
Calmly talking to her BIL may have been the better option. However, she has understandable reasons for failing to do so. She is grieving, worn down, and exhausted. She has no energy to put up with c**p from people who are (theoretically) there to support her. Even more so, she is doing her job as the mother of her child. She heard someone putting toxic untruths in her kid's head. If the uncle had been telling the boy that he was weak, and a wimp for crying about his dad, or that he was stupid and nobody liked him, I would not expect the mom to say, "Now [uncle], we don't say things like that in this house, tell him you are sorry." Personally, I would blow up at the person, and let them know that such treatment of any child, let alone mine, is cruel and appalling, and that such behavior would never be tolerated in my family or presence. Part of protecting her son here is letting him see her emphatic defense of him.
Load More Replies... Whilst not defending him at all, maybe the Uncle isn't able to understand that what happened to him was wrong? In his mind he was trying to help - but - obviously didn't. Maybe in the future he may come to understand the situation
The whole "man of the house"-Stuff sounds like patriarchal büllshit to me.
So many thoughts... As a widow with a kid, I can definitely say that at three months after my husband's death, I still wasn't able to plan my way out of a wet paper bag. I didn't have a support system like this woman; I had to come to grips with the fact my house sometimes just can't keep itself together. And if my son - ten at the time - was unhappy about it, then he needed to help. He is awesome at helping. That said, parentification is when a child is forced to take on the role of the parent [to the parent]. Asking them to step up to do things that a spouse did - like stand on the counter to reach things that are too tall, even with your stool - is not parentification.
I would have been more understanding about dude asking the kid to step up if he had asked the eldest kid to step up. After all, he had to step into a role of responsibility because his dad died (I did, too. I was 11 when my step-dad died, and as my siblings and I got older, I found myself being a back-up parent when my mom couldn't - she was in the hospital a lot). But! He didn't ask the oldest; he asked the boy. So it wasn't about being capable and helping a mom out. It was about being the man of the house. And that... is just f*****g useless. So the kid got a trauma, wrapped in sexism, dumped on him by a not-parent, in the middle of grieving his own loss. And that is just not anything any freshly widowed mom needs to be dealing with.
Load More Replies... It is SO HARD to be a single parent through terrible grief. It feels there is no way to do it right. Even with all mom's protections and care, those children are going to grow up suddenly in a way she can't protect them from, because you can't protect their hearts from grief. Let her protect them the best she can. Whatever good but old-fashioned intentions the uncle had, hopefully he will come to see why they weren't welcomed.
My father was killed in an industrial accident when I was 5 years old. My mom had supportive people around her. I got the whole "help your mother!" c**p piled on me. I was 5. And no one seemed to consider that I was grieving too.
My mother had a debilitating stroke when I was 10. I had no choice but to become the woman of the house. I learned to cook properly, wash and iron clothes- including my father's airforce uniform, clean, shop and still was expected to get good grades at school, which I never missed not even for a day. I have resented this all my life...
Load More Replies... So sorry for you lost, speaking as a adult who lost their dad at 8 l give you credit for putting your kids 1st I was made to do many things to help from cleaning to cooking and hold a lot of resentment for it especially when my brother did not he is a few years older. Too at 3 months you all must still be grieving, you know your own children and know when to they can handle more responsibility. I wanted my children to have a long childhood because of what happened to me, I know life is harder at the moment but you are strong and will learn to cope hats off to you for thinking of children and chances are had you put more on your son everyone would be calling you selfish but you are not you're putting others 1st. All the best for the future 🥰
Im so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine. I can offer to help or not. That's my choice. That doesn't give me or anyone else to give an opinion on how you should be doing things or telling your children how to behave. I have two nieces and a nephew. I tell my nephew and you gets niece to step up but that's because they're privileged and spoiled but I'm never ugly about it. I May or May not have yelled at least once "Get off your a*s and coke take this trash out," when I'm staying w them but I digress. I would still never tell my sister how to raise her children just as I tell her to shut up when she's attempted to tell me how to raise my son. (The proof is in the pudding. Ha) But, while she's a single mom, they have a dad and the kids are their responsibility. Not mine. I can't imagine telling someone else's child they need to "be the man of the family." I'm praying for you, OP. Keep taking the high ground while standing your ground. They're ALL the AH!!
The kid is ten freaking years old. What does he expect him to do? Get a stepstool and do a sink full of dishes, drive his siblings to their activities, and mow and rake the lawn while he's at it? He's TEN.
Martin's pissed because he doesn't get to humblebrag to people about this manly moment he had with his grieving nephew about manning up manfully.
I think op's in-laws need to be forced to sit down and watch the show Shameless. I think the show will probably give them a very harsh slap of reality and the damage caused by being parentified. I was parentified but not for my twin sister...Just like Fiona, I had to drag my father into the apartment when he was drunk and couldn't walk straight. As in, he walked straight into the patio door and fell on his back. He would pass out on the couch because he was drunk. I was in charge of doing his laundry, changing his bedsheets, and making him food. Of course, I wasn't as young as Fiona but I was in middle school. As the oldest two kids in our Gen Z Cousins, We were tasked with watching 9 kids since we were around 7. It was hard watching 9 kids and trying to keep them for hurting themselves in very... interesting (?) Ways. Most of the kids were toddlers and the adults had two 7 year olds watching them. The 7 year olds being me and my twin sister.
Seems that she is still very raw. Everyone is grieving, including BIL. She can't protect her children from suffering, I am afraid... their life is forever changed. Intentions count. BIL intentions were not bad. Execution was poor. Hope everyone copes better in the future. Horrible situation
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