Brother Gets Prioritized Over Sister For The Entirety Of Her Life, She Snaps After He Destroys Her Prized Possessions As An Adult
You’ve probably heard that it’s difficult being the older or the middle child, as their parents suddenly seem much more interested in the other children. This is difficult to take if the child has become used to getting all of their parents’ attention and affection. It may be even more difficult for children with siblings who are disabled, as they suddenly need much more of their parents’ care, making the other child feel left behind.
An issue stemming from this is shared by u/ScreamingAH, asking whether she is the jerk for finally snapping at her parents and her brother, as he would always be prioritized over her.
More info: Reddit
Feeling neglected by parents is very difficult, especially it feels like they always prioritize your siblings over you
Image credits: Jeffrey Reed (not actual image)
A woman wanted to ask for advice about her finally snapping at her adult autistic brother who was always in her parents’ spotlight while she was mistreated
Image credits: u/ScreamingAH
Exhausted of always being in second place, OP moved out and things were fine until her parents “surprised” her for Christmas, coming unannounced to stay for a month
Image credits: u/ScreamingAH
After her brother broke something precious to her every day of the month they were there, she finally boiled over and screamed at him to get away from her
Image credits: u/ScreamingAH
The poster mentions feeling guilty for screaming at her brother as he doesn’t know better but she still means the things she said to him
The Original Poster (OP), a 27-year-old woman, begins her story by saying that she has an autistic brother who has special needs and is 3 years her senior. She mentions that her parents have always adored him and taught her to put his needs above everything else.
When OP was growing up, she was always in the background. Everything was focused on her brother, from her getting high marks “for her brother” to her winning medals which would then be given to the brother to keep.
The presents she got would also be for her brother, she had no possessions that she could truly call hers, and she couldn’t touch his stuff as it would upset him.
All of this combined made her resent her brother over the years. OP said that she understands that it isn’t her brother’s fault, but she “couldn’t help hating him.” She didn’t want to take her feelings out on her parents, who were doing their best, or her brother, who couldn’t help it, so she moved out as soon as she could. This was a huge relief for her, as she would visit her parents twice a year, a couple of days at a time.
Although the issue seemed patched up by OP, seeing her parents and brother sparingly, the hurt was renewed when her family decided to show up at her place for Christmas. Unannounced. For a month.
Image credit: Garry Knight (not the actual image)
Understandably, all of OP’s childhood frustrations came back, perhaps exacerbated by her brother’s behavior which had also gotten worse. With each day, he would go rummaging around her stuff and break things, at least one thing per day, with some being sentimental, others expensive.
The event that filled OP’s cup to overflowing was his breaking the lock on her room and ruining many of her prized possessions. She finally snapped, screaming at him to get away from her, further saying “that I don’t ever want to see him ever again.” OP says she is unsure, but she may have said that she wished her brother never existed.
The screaming set the brother off, making him throw a tantrum and hurt her parents, who got stressed out.
Following this incident, OP’s mom has been calling every day, crying on the phone for hours, and apologizing, but still saying that she shouldn’t have been so cruel. Her father also called, saying that he is disappointed by OP being so callous.
OP finishes the story by saying that she feels very guilty for her words, but at the same time, she meant them. She understands that her brother can’t help himself and that he hadn’t wanted to cause her harm, but she is done with the excuses.
Image credits: Polina Zimmerman (not the actual image)
It may be especially difficult for siblings of special needs children to cope with the situation, who may begin resenting their siblings and parents for feeling left behind. A study has found that these siblings have higher rates of anxiety, depression, and difficulties with their peers. Low-income families are even more vulnerable in these cases as they have less access to resources.
But there are various strategies for parents and siblings of these children that can do wonders. Child Mind Institute has some advice for these parents and siblings.
They say that parents should create a support system for their disabled children, with after-school programs and help from extended family members. They also mention that children should be spoken to openly and included in decision-making. Also, parents should set aside special time for each child, so they may bond with you and have something to cherish and look forward to.
As for siblings, the Child Mind Institute also has several things to do to ensure their well-being. An important factor is to reach out to others because the more you hold in your feelings, the worse it gets. They can also have time dedicated to their sibling to grow closer and understand the other person better. Finally, it’s important to dedicate time for yourself as well – so that you don’t get burned out by life and have time to wind down.
The Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds also emphasizes the importance of parents not making their children feel too responsible. The siblings of children with disabilities may set unrealistic expectations for themselves, and it’s the parents’ job to reassure them that they are loved and appreciated no matter what.
These strategies perhaps would have helped OP’s parents to be more considerate of both of their children. As it stands, it seems that their daughter was not only neglected but also mistreated, minimizing all of her achievements and woes to those of her brother, allowing resentment between her and the family to fester for an exceptionally long time.
The post received nearly 9 thousand likes and 1.4 thousand comments, a significant amount of which supported OP, telling her that her parents have wronged her. People were shocked at the fact that her parents just showed up to her door like that and for so long. Some commenters speculated that the parents may be trying to “train” OP to take care of her brother when they are no longer able to.
Comments generally thought the daughter wasn’t a jerk, saying that it was not good of her to snap, but that was expected after her parents treated her the way they did
Image credits: Vera Arsic (not actual image)
"My Dad called a couple of times to tell me he was disappointed..." Yup, you and me both, Dad. I'm so disappointed in you and Mum for continually failing to recognise that I have needs, and my needs matter. You have two children, not just one. You have failed as a parent so many times. My years of disappointment outweigh your moments. When you are ready to apologise I will be ready to listen.
^^^^^^^best reply I've seen so far. Mature, measured, sensible, sets reasonable boundaries, and leaves no room for gaslighting or emotional blackmail. In other words, I'm not playing your little game, mom and dad.
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If she won a trophy, it was given to her brother?? No wonder he's so cavalier with her things, he was taught the whole world was his toybox ESPECIALLY her stuff. This has nothing to do with his needs and everything to do with s****y parenting.
Yes! The monster who trashed her room today was created by the parents when he was a child.
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What kind of psychos show up unannounced and STAY FOR A MONTH!? That is unacceptable period and shows they have no respect for her. I woulв cut them all out just based on that
I absolutely agree. I also agree with the commenters who brought up the fact that parents are gauging/eyeing OP to be brother's caregiver once they die or get too old to take care of him. None of it is brother's fault, but OP definitely is NOT obliged to care for their brother in the future.
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what OP was talking about in the beginning is actually called glass child syndrome, where one child had a disability and the way that its handled causes the other to be ignored or neglected either omotionaly or physically
That's interesting to know there's a name for it. I saw what I suspected was a case of it years ago, when I was an assistant instructor at a summer school and there was this kid who was lethally allergic to so much stuff that one of us needed to be carrying his EpiPen at literally all times. His parents had his little brother with him one time and he was super mean to his little brother and the parents did nothing. Really sad and not the way to handle the older brother's situation
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NTA. Completely the parents. I rather think that they mollycoddled the brother a bit too much - it doesn't help things. Btw I'm also autistic 😐 And yes, A BLOODY MONTH!!!
Why do so many people think that autistic people shouldn't have to have consequences for their actions? There are certainly extreme cases, but most autistic people are perfectly capable of learning not to break into someone's room and destroy things.
NTA. My younger brother is SEVERELY autistic. He will never live on his own or hold a job. Anyone who has never lived through it with a sibling will never understand and I'm not interested in their uninformed opinions. My sister and I told our parents shortly after we were both 18 that they would need to make other arrangements for him. It's not his fault, but it's not hers, either.
I was about the same age when I told my parents I won't be looking after my special needs brother. It's not our responsibility.
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NTA but neither is the brother, it sounds like he can’t comprehend the effects of his actions. The parents, though… major, MAJOR AHs. As a (low level) special needs person, don’t prioritize us to this point.
No kidding (also on the spectrum). Sounds like she needs some therapy to heal from that 'upbringing'. I feel like the parents were extremely negligent in their disciplining of their son... and now he's a menace that no one is going to want to deal with. As others have said, they likely sneakily did this to 'condition' her into looking after him... and now they're unhappy because they realize that's never going to happen. It's really upsetting that she was essentially born to become his caretaker.
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"Insensitive"? Oh, they mean like showing up unannounced on the doorstep of a child who had clearly been distancing herself, staying - unasked - for a MONTH, never acknowledging/apologizing how OP had all of her possessions and feelings handed over to her brother, and watching passively how brother kept damaging item after item in OP's home. Like, that kind of insensitive? OP needs to write it down in 3-inch high capital letters before her parents might have a glimmering as to what the situation actually is.
My heart breaks for her. She was basically neglected her entire life, then her parents drop in and ‘test the waters’ of her taking on the responsibility of her brother when they are no longer able to. Then guilted for it ‘not working’. Therapy and strong boundaries are her only hope at not getting crushed by this.
They took her accomplishments away from her and GAVE THEM TO HER BROTHER!!??!?!?
Ikr? The scale is so unbalanced, it's probably broken. In OP'S shoes, I would have reacted the same way, with plenty of unrepeatable language. If anyone should be disappointed, it's OP in her parents and their lousy parenting. I hope they got the message loud and clear: HE IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY; NEVER HAS, NEVER WILL BE. HE IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY; ALWAYS HAS BEEN, ALWAYS WILL BE. MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS, AND DON'T EVER PULL THIS STOOOOOOPID STUNT AGAIN. CONSIDER YOURSELVES CUT OFF. PERMANENTLY.
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A person has needs. That a special needs person is in the household doesn't change that. We wouldn't expect the daughter to not eat anything because the special needs brother needs food. Yes, we can adapt to a certain agree, but not 100%. Glad that some of the replies to OP saw through the parents' attempt to try her out as a future carer, I didn't realise that.
If he'd broken something once, ok. But several times? At some point, your feckless parents decided that your needs, feelings and property are unimportant. That's abuse, not unconditional love. As for the door, I'd have whipped his autist a*s in a way that would leave a lasting memory as to what is acceptable and what isn't.
Wow. My elder brother was "special needs", he was severely autistic and had the intellectual level of an 18-month-old. Couldn't talk, could not learn to use toilet, would run away into traffic, etc.. Fortunately there was a place in a special needs home for him where he got treatment and fitting living conditions. Paid for by basic mandatory health insurance and gov't benefits. He would go on holidays, they had a pool and a petting zoo, he even had a job, sort of, which he really enjoyed. Lovely staff too, most of them stayed on for years. And he was safe. We would visit on a regular basis. After he died almost the entire staff showed up at his funeral. My sister and me have been so lucky that a. this was possible and b. my parents had the wisdom to admit that they were not able to give him what he needed AND have a family life, and he would be cared for better elsewhere.
I have a brother that's pretty much similar, but also has violent outbursts. My Mom's trying to find a placement for him, but has been having trouble. She's getting to a point of realizing she's getting to old to handle him any more. It's tough.
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Hang up the phone. You don't have to listen to them cry and berate you. HANG UP!!
I feel for op so much and completely understand where they're coming from so much. I have a special needs brother and had similar experience growing up. I love my brother, I'm even his caretaker now because both my parents died (fůck you covid), but that doesn't change anything or the fact I even harbor some resentment. It is such a difficult thing to grow up with and although I've never said things outloud to them I've definitely thought them numerous times and gone on rants with friends out of frustration. It's just a hard situation and parents just don't realize what they are actually doing to their other kids; they may have good intentions but they're only directed towards one child.
Hugs to you from a parent of a severely disabled child
Load More Replies... I would be sure to make sure that mother knows her tears are a drop in the ocean of the tears cried over being unseen as a child. And dad would definitely need to know that the feeling is mutual so we can all be disappointed in each other. Imagine. Coming uninvited for a MONTH? I would have snapped upon arrival.
No one, even family, should ever show up unnanounced at your doorstep, then expect to stay for a month! That's crazy and rude. As a mom of three kids, two on the autism spectrum, you should have never have had your personal achievements and awards handed over to your brother. Those were yours to own. They could have purchased trophies and awards and given them to him for things like good behavior, or if he didn't break something for so many days in a row. Good grief. I'm so sorry you were pushed aside for his needs, etc. Ask of my children eye treated equally and I spent private time with the non-autistic child. I'm truly appalled at your parents way of raising your brother and I'm so sorry you grew up not feeling special. Your parents should pay for each item your brother broke or replace them. And I'd let them know that they can never show up unannounced like that again and if your brother is with them, they can stay in a hotel. Your brother needed a strong behavioral plan.
Autistic kids can be taught discipline- this kid obviously never had been. Personally, I would have never let them in my house unannounced and uninvited. What will happen is the 30 year old "kid" will throw a tantrum out in public, and get arrested for it. If you don't teach these kids discipline early, then they become monsters to deal with as adults- and breaking his sister's personal belongings and breaking into her bedroom is just the beginning.
If they live in America and he has a tantrum in public, it can end very very badly. I get that it is challenging raising special needs children but parents have to prepare the kids for the world too. Perhaps if they had regular counseling or therapy, they would be better emotionally and mentally equipped to handle the extra challenges of special needs kids. Then again, you'd have to live somewhere that had good social safety nets...
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holy as an autistic kid three years older than my younger sister I am so freaking glad I don’t see myself in this post WTF is this parenting method
Those parents knew exactly what they were doing. They likely plan on taking a trip in the near future and wanted the son to be familiar with the place they'll be leaving him at.
Good point on them planning on taking a trip! And I guarantee they'll show up unannounced and drop him on the doorstep on the way to the airport, and will throw a fit if their horrible daughter makes them cancel their expensive vacation because she's too selfish to babysit. Btw nobody has pointed out what a martyr complex special needs parents can have; anyone who doesn't cater to their special needs kid is a horrible enemy who wounds them deeply. So that's another thing OP probably was saddled with as a kid, being told she's evil and harmful every time she doesn't cater to their story of how everything has to be sacrificed for the golden child.
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Absolutely parents being sh*theads here. First and foremost, special needs doesn't mean mollycoddling and waiting on every needs to the point of ignoring and likely, p*ssing off the other siblings. I'm not knocking on the SN brother, but I'd rain hellfire and brimstone on him and parents as well if they showed up unannounced, overstayed and wrecked my place like they did. OP shouldn't feel guilty but her parents should be made to wear their shame around their necks for what they did while SN brother needs a harsh reality check on boundaries. Smh!!!
In danish these children are called shadowchildren (skyggebørn).... Siblings of children that are sick or have any kind of special needs..... They are often forgotten and there are more focus on them today in our country allthough we are just at the beginning. Any parent that doesn't see theìr other children fails.... OPs fail 200 %
Excuse me?? I'm the only autistic child out of three in my family and I am actually the one who does most of the communication outwards since childhood???? I'm sorry, unless said brother also suffers from crippling low intelligence, all I can see is some rotten individual spoilt since existence who also refuses to grow up. NTA in a million years and should immediately go NC and move away from anyone who are in contact with them.
Autism ranges from "non noticeable" to "incapable of doing anything on your own". I worked with autistic people that were incapable of getting to the toilet alone or communicate as a result of their autism. The spectrum has an incredible wide range.
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My oldest brother's S.O. was a special needs teacher. One of her students was like the young man in the thread.
He beast Miss N so badly that she was hospitalized for a m.
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Knowing what type of disability her brother has would help to assess the situation better and, and maybe, understand why he was never taught personal boundaries by adulthood. I grew up with severely Autistic (non- verbal) and Down Syndrome kids who were considered disabled, but lived at home. They learned personal boundaries, among other important life lessons, as we got older. Those with disabilities learn slower and they may have other behavioral issues that require more patience. A toddler of 2 can be taught "no" even if they can't understand why. Did the parents just give up long ago? Did someone try to prevent his destruction of OP's items? If the brother's issues are so severe that he can't understand one simple, but powerful word, then why is he living at home? Why would these "parents" visit for a month unannounced? Why didn't they leave after the brother repeatedly broke things? Best thing OP did was get away from that sh*t show!
They were testing the waters to prepare OP for caregiver-duty in the future when they were no longer able to continue.
Load More Replies... I'm in a similar situation but haven't blow up at my brother...yet. Then again, this is what happens when you coddle the living c**p out of your kids, special needs or not. Her parents just created the most entitled person of all because without therapy he'a going to get worse and worse. Shame on them. I hope she's able to go no contact with them fully. It shouldn't be the siblings responsibility to take care of a sibling while the parents are gone. Being a caregiver is stressful and you may as well say goodbye to any life you have.
I have an older half-brother with low functioning autism who was also non-verbal and developed violent outbursts. It's extremely difficult, but my mother never did that sort of bs to me or my younger brother. While we had to make some extra adjustments, everything was our own and we were allowed to lead our own lives. It's not the brothers fault, but they should have given OP her own space/things without making it about her brother. Parents are the AH.
I really don't know much about autism. But these parents have had 30 years to help this boy. The least they could have done is teach him right from wrong. His possessions were always "sacred." Why wasn't he ever taught that her possessions were "sacred?" Was his autism so severe that he couldn't learn anything? Or be taught to respect other people? Breaking one of her possessions every day? Why didn't he break anything else? And breaking her door to get in to break her stuff. I just have a feeling that brother knew exactly what he was doing by breaking her things. This is a deeper rooted problem. This poor woman has been wronged all her life. It's like nobody even cares. Her parents are to blame for not doing enough for either one of their children.
"Yes you probably shouldn't have yelled at your brother", no, she was right. The yelling set things in motion, that are necessary for her to emancipate herself from her family. As others pointed out, the parents will ask her to be the caretaker for her brother in time. The parents fückéd up his education bad and OP already realised she will not be able to be this caretaker.
Wow damn, that’s some nuts to show up unannounced and stay for a month. Also, s****y parenting
The parents are at fault here. I have friends who have one or two special needs child/children and they treat all their children equally. Their other children have their own space and stuff, and they don't have to share or give their stuff to their special needs siblings.
If the brother is so far out in the autistic spectrum that he can't be held accountable for anything, then he should be supervised every frigging second... the brother MAY not be guilty, but the parents sure are... It can happen one time, that he breaks something "by mistake", but if you know it's a common thing with him, the parents MUST watch him ALL THE TIME, to ensure he doesn't break someone else's possessions... this time was her sister's things, but if this is a common occurrence, one day he will break something property of someone with a short fuse, and he will end up beaten to a pulp before the parents can say he's autistic...
NTA. The child was capable of learning, of being taught, and what he was taught that everything was his. They came to your house unannounced and he saw your place as his toy box because he was never taught boundaries. I'm deeply sorry he has disabilities that will hinder his life, but it sounds like your parents would have rather just not deal with his temper tantrums, so you were conceived just so your brother could live through you. Your parents were trying to feel out you to be a caregiver after they can no longer do this, their plans went up in smoke. They don't feel bad because of what you are feeling, they feel bad because their plans went up in smoke.
Yeah something sounds crazy about this. Who just shows up unannounced to stay for a month? And where were they while he was causing this destruction? I understand you think they were good parents but....taking your medals away and buying toys he can play with for YOUR birthday? That's some Harry Potter level sh!t. They might as well have named you 'spare parts'. But at the same time...grow a backbone. Someone shows up at my door, I don't care if it's my grandma, they can stay for a few minutes and even that I'm salty about. Call first, ESPECIALLY if you know you have a special needs child who may cause issues in your home. My cousin is severely mentally disabled and they don't take him anywhere without calling first. They also made an even bigger effort to celebrate things from the other kids because they knew how much attention he was taking regularly. In fact, they enjoyed it because it felt...for lack of a better word...normal.
Luckily for the OP she failed the interview for care giver, she dodged a massive bullet.
This seems really strange. Like, this happens to people. It's so horrible that her parents didn't let her have proper child attention and experience. Just because someone else needs attention, it doesn't mean she doesn't. I really hope no one I know grows up to be like that. I have Chrons and I try to ignore when I'm feeling bad because the special treatment makes me feel guilty in school. :(
Really bad parenting at it's finest. And I saw this too often unfortunately: people get child with a disability and all the world turns around that one child. All the siblings get completely neglected. It really breaks ones heart seeing a little 4 year old girl fighting as hard as she can for any attention and getting absolutely none from the parents while they are 100% focused on that other child. And the child with the disability also is a victim. Because they raise a complete 100% brat. And while, symbolically speaking, people are very willing to help somebody in a wheelchair, nobody likes to help an complete a**hole in a wheelchair. It's very hard for me not to get completely judgemental about the parents in such cases. Often enough they are in that with such a huge ego, generating all their self worth out investing their whole life in that one child and ignoring anything else. And by the time they realise they can't admit to themselves what they have done and double down.
NTA I feel for you but sometimes parents just don't see what they are doing wrong. To show up unannounced and stay for a month!! I don't know how you coped. I was the oldest and only girl growing up. My mother never failed to remind me that I was such a disappointment, because I wasn't a boy. My brothers were treated like little princes and if they did anything wrong I was punished because I should have been watching them. I was treated like a servant so as soon as I could I left and spent years away from home. This was the time I was most happiest. A few years ago I had to return, my father was elderly and I was expected to help with looking after him. I did this and now I'm back at square one with my mother treating me like a servant again. Please don't let this happen to you. Tell your parents to make sure your brother will be looked after but make sure it isn't down to you. This may seem heartless but you need to have a life and not be used.
YNTA your parents are, especially for treating you as less than zero all your life and then gaslighting you for their enabling your brother's behavior. Who the hell invites themselves unannounced to "visit" for a month? Probably would have stayed longer if you hadn't snapped. Go completely no contact for now after making it very clear that you are NOT going to "take responsibility or care" of brother in the future. That is their responsibility and problem since they had no time or use for you while you were growing up. End of conversation. Good luck and have a good life.
This is exactly why I don't let anyone know my address! I don't need any mf's showing up at my door unannounced and that is exactly what mf's do! I never gave my parents or my sister, my address, only a select 2 friends whom I know already respect my boundaries
Your brother is disabled not brain dead. His issue isn't being disabled but being spoiled because he's disabled. He was allowed to get away with anything using his disability as a excuse. Also arriving unannounced and staying a month without clearing it with you first shows their entitlement. You're not their daughter but their slave. They never show you as their child but someone who could take the burden of your brother off them..
A month's long stay from ANY of my family would end in a shouting match after 10 days. Extremely presumptuous of them. The assumption that you're just supposed to endure and "take it" without any consideration or reciprocation for your lifelong efforts to toe the line for the greater good is what leads to fractured families. Parents at fault, 100%.
I think parents brought him for a month to force a reintegration of the daughter back into the family. I bet it went something like: "You know, that doctor's visit was a relief, but it was still a scare & a wake-up call. We can't just take for granted that we're both going to be around for the next 20 or 30 years, and I don't think either of us can manage this on our own. Cassie's had her time to get out & spread her wings on her own for a bit, but it's time she started shifting focus back to her responsibility and rejoining the family. And if she's not coming to us, I think we should go to her. She needs to start getting used to living together as a unit again. Plus maybe it'll remind her how much she loves & misses her brother & how much he needs her. You know he's been getting worse & worse since she left." Then afterwards Mom & Dad started panicking because sis wants nothing to do with bro, so they try to guilt trip her into compliance. Run, girl, run!
Don't have a special needs sibling, but a lot of this is familiar. I'm the youngest, and though that usually means I get all the attention, for me the roles have been reversed. My older sister has been spiralling out of control with her life choices, as she never had to deal with the consequences of her actions due to my mother and grandmother - even my father - always cleaning up after her. A lot of the time my achievements or accomplishments were ignored because conveniently at the same time my sister has some crisis. our actual* special needs uncle passed away 5days before xmas 2019, right before covid hit. The day I found out, I immediately started making calls and arrangements because I knew my mother and grandmother wouldn't be able to do it. I have all my mom's friends in my contacts, but not my sister's new number. So I called the first person I knew for sure would have it - her ex husband. They still communicate cuz they co-parent their kids.
She found out that I called him to ask for her number, and on the day of our uncle passing away, she made it all about herself, calling ME an a*****e, and how would I like it if she talked to MY exes (I wouldn't care tbh, I still talk to most of mine anyway?). I had enough and exploded on her, similar to OP, and cut her out of my life. Ever since then, it's become everyones favourite passtime in the family to either guilt trip me, or tell me I was wrong to do that, that she's family no matter what. Sometimes I do feel bad, but I stand firm behind this decision. I understand getting upset that I called the ex husband, I guess. But it's not like I talk to him every day. It's not as if we're besties. It was for a death in the family. It was literally the only time I've ever actually called. Yet somehow I'm the bad guy. They can all be disappointed all they want. I'm tired of being the adult in the family while they all scurry to handle her problems. She's 37!
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This poor f*****g girl dude. I don't blame her at all. Those parents and that situation sound like a nightmare. And I completely agree with the one commenter on the caretaker thing. They were 100% gonna dump him on her as soon as they could. I also feel bad for the brother because it's not his fault he is special needs and the parents could have spent all that time teaching him about boundaries or taking him to therapy or something. The parents are the a******s. You don't get to give all your attention to one child and completely ignore the other one. That's not how that works. I know that OP can't read this, but get that entire family away from you. It is infuriating that the parents would get mad at HER for this s**t. It just solidifies how they think their son can do no wrong and that it's always gonna be her fault, never theirs, and never his. I'd be done. I would be so done with all of them. F**k that.
God the "they tried their best" line. Mine tries their best. I'm in therapy with diagnosed C-PTSD, PTSD, severe social anxiety and major depression. Not to mention the s**t I never had diagnosed as a kid but have it now, because my parents couldn't be f***** figure it out. Yeah my parents did their best but I'm with the other commenter. They didn't do good enough.
Nta, plain and simple. Yes, ops brother is special needs. However, that doesn't excuse the parents behavior. My HS gf had an older disabled brother, and she was still able to have a decent childhood. Even today, she and all of her siblings have healthy relationships, between each other and their parents. Its not hard to strike a balance. But if you sacrifice one child for the benefit of your other child, you are always TA in every situation that arises, no question.
You are definitely not the a*****e. I have a special needs adult child and when he was 7 his first counselor gave me the best advice. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior whether special needs or not. Your parents have basically taught your brother that his behavior is OK because they've never corrected him. I think it's wrong of your parents to say they're disappointed in you. You did nothing wrong and it was wrong of them to drop in on you for a month. Your brother's behavior is unacceptable and he should have been taught when he was young the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Your parents have not only failed you but they've failed your brother too by not teaching him right from wrong.
As someone who has a special needs brother, this is so far out of line. I understand maybe helping out the parents every once in awhile, but that is child abuse. Something that could happen in my family is if my brother is having a breakdown I might sit with him and help him regulate his breathing, but only because I can understand his needs and feelings better than my parents. I would never be solely responsible for him, and my parents would always be near us. The brother was probably never taught how to self regulate and might not have known what was going on. This might be completely wrong but that's my thought process.
NTA...If it had been me, I would've told them to leave after showing up at my home. It was obvious that they were trying to get you to take care of your brother in the future when they pass on. That's not your responsibility. The parents will need to get him to a facility that can take care of him.
NTA but your parents sure are. You need to have a deep, insightful conversation with them about how they have turned your brother into a non- productive person who thinks the world revolves around him rather than a person who achieved their own goals and rewards. You also need to make them understand that treating you like a second-class citizen has created a permanent rift between you, them and your brother. Let them know that after they get counselling, you will be willing to try to mend fences with them.
Your parents are AH!!! Maybe you should have told him how this wasn't right for him to do these things then got harsh with your parents but not him hear. They suck. They should have been watching him in your house. Do they let him do this at other people's house. They abused you all your life. When they noticed that he stated breaking stuff they should have cut the visit short. They were taking advantage of you. They didn't respect you or your house. If they can't monitor him in the proper fashion don't let them back to your house.
You’re a real hero to cope so well throughout your whole life with this awful burden that was thrust upon you. Your parents robbed you of your childhood and want to rob you of your adulthood too - you’ve tolerated this long enough and it’s their problem now. Go and have a happy life.
What gets me is as an autistic adult her brother doesn't understand don't touch? I have a son in the spectrum (quite bad) and he know about his things snd other people's things. Autism doesn't mean unteachable. These parents let down both of their children, ignored one and failed to teach the other some of life's basic skills
so she wasn't allowed to TOUCH his things, but he's allowed to break hers? great parenting there.
Oh, they ABSOLUTELY were doing a demo to transition her to caretaker. I bet they were wanting to retire or something and have her step in "part time" to give themselves some freedom.
I agree with the people who say this was a "test" by the parents to see if OP could be caretaker for her bro. Guess she failed! FYI, you gotta have some nerve to show up uninvited and stay for a month!
Man- I just asked my oldest son the other day if he ever felt neglected or shunned bc of his younger brother. I'm so glad he said no. I try hard to keep them each in their own lane while keeping them brotherly as well- at 15 and 7- both boys and the younger one w Autism- it's difficult at times. But they each have their own days w me- and never would I take from one to give to the other! I am so glad you posted this - bc you needed to know you should have been treated much better- to be inspired to be your own person and to actually earn and own your own things. I hope you find some peace in your outburst- bc it was totally justified! And whomever first said they prob were going to have you as his caretaker: WOW! I never thought of that! But they're most likely correct. I could not imagine putting that burden on my oldest. If he offered- I'd still prepare the future differently. Everyone deserves their own path. At the very least- choice of path. And yeah- send them a bill-----
As an autistic person, they did a disservice not only to OP but to their brother. They raised him to believe he would get whatever he wanted whenever he wanted & would never have repercussions for his actions. I understand that raising an autistic child is hard. However, that's not an excuse not to raise them.
Sounds like Mom and Dad's way of dealing with the brother was to never discipline him at all. Autistic does mean he has to be treated with kid gloves. Limits should have been established long ago. Now he'll probably end up in a group home if he's lucky.
I really feel for this woman. My younger brother was schizophrenic; my older sister was domineering and demanding, and my younger sister was the darling of the family. Leaving me pretty much neglected and taken for granted. I was 5 when I realized my parents wouldn't have my back.
Jesus what a s**t sandwich. I mean it's easy to blame the parents, but when you're raising a water head, what the hell are you supposed to do? I don't know about this one.
Do your job as a parent and take care of both of your kids? Teach and guide your autistic child and stop treating them like idiots? Don’t make your young child take care of their autistic sibling bc you’re too scared and/or lazy to do it?
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ESH. The moment they came, OP should have taken every item of value to a friend's house. OP knew what would happen with brother in the house. The parents will never realize how they've treated OP, and will never take responsibility. OP knows that. From this point on, OP should demand her place is off limits and all meet ups should be on neutral ground. Additionally, judging by the way she feels about Brother, she should let parents know that she will not be Brother's caregiver as he ages. Make sure parents provide for him financially.
"My Dad called a couple of times to tell me he was disappointed..." Yup, you and me both, Dad. I'm so disappointed in you and Mum for continually failing to recognise that I have needs, and my needs matter. You have two children, not just one. You have failed as a parent so many times. My years of disappointment outweigh your moments. When you are ready to apologise I will be ready to listen.
^^^^^^^best reply I've seen so far. Mature, measured, sensible, sets reasonable boundaries, and leaves no room for gaslighting or emotional blackmail. In other words, I'm not playing your little game, mom and dad.
Load More Replies... If she won a trophy, it was given to her brother?? No wonder he's so cavalier with her things, he was taught the whole world was his toybox ESPECIALLY her stuff. This has nothing to do with his needs and everything to do with s****y parenting.
Yes! The monster who trashed her room today was created by the parents when he was a child.
Load More Replies... What kind of psychos show up unannounced and STAY FOR A MONTH!? That is unacceptable period and shows they have no respect for her. I woulв cut them all out just based on that
I absolutely agree. I also agree with the commenters who brought up the fact that parents are gauging/eyeing OP to be brother's caregiver once they die or get too old to take care of him. None of it is brother's fault, but OP definitely is NOT obliged to care for their brother in the future.
Load More Replies... what OP was talking about in the beginning is actually called glass child syndrome, where one child had a disability and the way that its handled causes the other to be ignored or neglected either omotionaly or physically
That's interesting to know there's a name for it. I saw what I suspected was a case of it years ago, when I was an assistant instructor at a summer school and there was this kid who was lethally allergic to so much stuff that one of us needed to be carrying his EpiPen at literally all times. His parents had his little brother with him one time and he was super mean to his little brother and the parents did nothing. Really sad and not the way to handle the older brother's situation
Load More Replies... NTA. Completely the parents. I rather think that they mollycoddled the brother a bit too much - it doesn't help things. Btw I'm also autistic 😐 And yes, A BLOODY MONTH!!!
Why do so many people think that autistic people shouldn't have to have consequences for their actions? There are certainly extreme cases, but most autistic people are perfectly capable of learning not to break into someone's room and destroy things.
NTA. My younger brother is SEVERELY autistic. He will never live on his own or hold a job. Anyone who has never lived through it with a sibling will never understand and I'm not interested in their uninformed opinions. My sister and I told our parents shortly after we were both 18 that they would need to make other arrangements for him. It's not his fault, but it's not hers, either.
I was about the same age when I told my parents I won't be looking after my special needs brother. It's not our responsibility.
Load More Replies... NTA but neither is the brother, it sounds like he can’t comprehend the effects of his actions. The parents, though… major, MAJOR AHs. As a (low level) special needs person, don’t prioritize us to this point.
No kidding (also on the spectrum). Sounds like she needs some therapy to heal from that 'upbringing'. I feel like the parents were extremely negligent in their disciplining of their son... and now he's a menace that no one is going to want to deal with. As others have said, they likely sneakily did this to 'condition' her into looking after him... and now they're unhappy because they realize that's never going to happen. It's really upsetting that she was essentially born to become his caretaker.
Load More Replies... "Insensitive"? Oh, they mean like showing up unannounced on the doorstep of a child who had clearly been distancing herself, staying - unasked - for a MONTH, never acknowledging/apologizing how OP had all of her possessions and feelings handed over to her brother, and watching passively how brother kept damaging item after item in OP's home. Like, that kind of insensitive? OP needs to write it down in 3-inch high capital letters before her parents might have a glimmering as to what the situation actually is.
My heart breaks for her. She was basically neglected her entire life, then her parents drop in and ‘test the waters’ of her taking on the responsibility of her brother when they are no longer able to. Then guilted for it ‘not working’. Therapy and strong boundaries are her only hope at not getting crushed by this.
They took her accomplishments away from her and GAVE THEM TO HER BROTHER!!??!?!?
Ikr? The scale is so unbalanced, it's probably broken. In OP'S shoes, I would have reacted the same way, with plenty of unrepeatable language. If anyone should be disappointed, it's OP in her parents and their lousy parenting. I hope they got the message loud and clear: HE IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY; NEVER HAS, NEVER WILL BE. HE IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY; ALWAYS HAS BEEN, ALWAYS WILL BE. MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS, AND DON'T EVER PULL THIS STOOOOOOPID STUNT AGAIN. CONSIDER YOURSELVES CUT OFF. PERMANENTLY.
Load More Replies... A person has needs. That a special needs person is in the household doesn't change that. We wouldn't expect the daughter to not eat anything because the special needs brother needs food. Yes, we can adapt to a certain agree, but not 100%. Glad that some of the replies to OP saw through the parents' attempt to try her out as a future carer, I didn't realise that.
If he'd broken something once, ok. But several times? At some point, your feckless parents decided that your needs, feelings and property are unimportant. That's abuse, not unconditional love. As for the door, I'd have whipped his autist a*s in a way that would leave a lasting memory as to what is acceptable and what isn't.
Wow. My elder brother was "special needs", he was severely autistic and had the intellectual level of an 18-month-old. Couldn't talk, could not learn to use toilet, would run away into traffic, etc.. Fortunately there was a place in a special needs home for him where he got treatment and fitting living conditions. Paid for by basic mandatory health insurance and gov't benefits. He would go on holidays, they had a pool and a petting zoo, he even had a job, sort of, which he really enjoyed. Lovely staff too, most of them stayed on for years. And he was safe. We would visit on a regular basis. After he died almost the entire staff showed up at his funeral. My sister and me have been so lucky that a. this was possible and b. my parents had the wisdom to admit that they were not able to give him what he needed AND have a family life, and he would be cared for better elsewhere.
I have a brother that's pretty much similar, but also has violent outbursts. My Mom's trying to find a placement for him, but has been having trouble. She's getting to a point of realizing she's getting to old to handle him any more. It's tough.
Load More Replies... Hang up the phone. You don't have to listen to them cry and berate you. HANG UP!!
I feel for op so much and completely understand where they're coming from so much. I have a special needs brother and had similar experience growing up. I love my brother, I'm even his caretaker now because both my parents died (fůck you covid), but that doesn't change anything or the fact I even harbor some resentment. It is such a difficult thing to grow up with and although I've never said things outloud to them I've definitely thought them numerous times and gone on rants with friends out of frustration. It's just a hard situation and parents just don't realize what they are actually doing to their other kids; they may have good intentions but they're only directed towards one child.
Hugs to you from a parent of a severely disabled child
Load More Replies... I would be sure to make sure that mother knows her tears are a drop in the ocean of the tears cried over being unseen as a child. And dad would definitely need to know that the feeling is mutual so we can all be disappointed in each other. Imagine. Coming uninvited for a MONTH? I would have snapped upon arrival.
No one, even family, should ever show up unnanounced at your doorstep, then expect to stay for a month! That's crazy and rude. As a mom of three kids, two on the autism spectrum, you should have never have had your personal achievements and awards handed over to your brother. Those were yours to own. They could have purchased trophies and awards and given them to him for things like good behavior, or if he didn't break something for so many days in a row. Good grief. I'm so sorry you were pushed aside for his needs, etc. Ask of my children eye treated equally and I spent private time with the non-autistic child. I'm truly appalled at your parents way of raising your brother and I'm so sorry you grew up not feeling special. Your parents should pay for each item your brother broke or replace them. And I'd let them know that they can never show up unannounced like that again and if your brother is with them, they can stay in a hotel. Your brother needed a strong behavioral plan.
Autistic kids can be taught discipline- this kid obviously never had been. Personally, I would have never let them in my house unannounced and uninvited. What will happen is the 30 year old "kid" will throw a tantrum out in public, and get arrested for it. If you don't teach these kids discipline early, then they become monsters to deal with as adults- and breaking his sister's personal belongings and breaking into her bedroom is just the beginning.
If they live in America and he has a tantrum in public, it can end very very badly. I get that it is challenging raising special needs children but parents have to prepare the kids for the world too. Perhaps if they had regular counseling or therapy, they would be better emotionally and mentally equipped to handle the extra challenges of special needs kids. Then again, you'd have to live somewhere that had good social safety nets...
Load More Replies... holy as an autistic kid three years older than my younger sister I am so freaking glad I don’t see myself in this post WTF is this parenting method
Those parents knew exactly what they were doing. They likely plan on taking a trip in the near future and wanted the son to be familiar with the place they'll be leaving him at.
Good point on them planning on taking a trip! And I guarantee they'll show up unannounced and drop him on the doorstep on the way to the airport, and will throw a fit if their horrible daughter makes them cancel their expensive vacation because she's too selfish to babysit. Btw nobody has pointed out what a martyr complex special needs parents can have; anyone who doesn't cater to their special needs kid is a horrible enemy who wounds them deeply. So that's another thing OP probably was saddled with as a kid, being told she's evil and harmful every time she doesn't cater to their story of how everything has to be sacrificed for the golden child.
Load More Replies... Absolutely parents being sh*theads here. First and foremost, special needs doesn't mean mollycoddling and waiting on every needs to the point of ignoring and likely, p*ssing off the other siblings. I'm not knocking on the SN brother, but I'd rain hellfire and brimstone on him and parents as well if they showed up unannounced, overstayed and wrecked my place like they did. OP shouldn't feel guilty but her parents should be made to wear their shame around their necks for what they did while SN brother needs a harsh reality check on boundaries. Smh!!!
In danish these children are called shadowchildren (skyggebørn).... Siblings of children that are sick or have any kind of special needs..... They are often forgotten and there are more focus on them today in our country allthough we are just at the beginning. Any parent that doesn't see theìr other children fails.... OPs fail 200 %
Excuse me?? I'm the only autistic child out of three in my family and I am actually the one who does most of the communication outwards since childhood???? I'm sorry, unless said brother also suffers from crippling low intelligence, all I can see is some rotten individual spoilt since existence who also refuses to grow up. NTA in a million years and should immediately go NC and move away from anyone who are in contact with them.
Autism ranges from "non noticeable" to "incapable of doing anything on your own". I worked with autistic people that were incapable of getting to the toilet alone or communicate as a result of their autism. The spectrum has an incredible wide range.
Load More Replies... My oldest brother's S.O. was a special needs teacher. One of her students was like the young man in the thread.
He beast Miss N so badly that she was hospitalized for a m.
Load More Replies... Knowing what type of disability her brother has would help to assess the situation better and, and maybe, understand why he was never taught personal boundaries by adulthood. I grew up with severely Autistic (non- verbal) and Down Syndrome kids who were considered disabled, but lived at home. They learned personal boundaries, among other important life lessons, as we got older. Those with disabilities learn slower and they may have other behavioral issues that require more patience. A toddler of 2 can be taught "no" even if they can't understand why. Did the parents just give up long ago? Did someone try to prevent his destruction of OP's items? If the brother's issues are so severe that he can't understand one simple, but powerful word, then why is he living at home? Why would these "parents" visit for a month unannounced? Why didn't they leave after the brother repeatedly broke things? Best thing OP did was get away from that sh*t show!
They were testing the waters to prepare OP for caregiver-duty in the future when they were no longer able to continue.
Load More Replies... I'm in a similar situation but haven't blow up at my brother...yet. Then again, this is what happens when you coddle the living c**p out of your kids, special needs or not. Her parents just created the most entitled person of all because without therapy he'a going to get worse and worse. Shame on them. I hope she's able to go no contact with them fully. It shouldn't be the siblings responsibility to take care of a sibling while the parents are gone. Being a caregiver is stressful and you may as well say goodbye to any life you have.
I have an older half-brother with low functioning autism who was also non-verbal and developed violent outbursts. It's extremely difficult, but my mother never did that sort of bs to me or my younger brother. While we had to make some extra adjustments, everything was our own and we were allowed to lead our own lives. It's not the brothers fault, but they should have given OP her own space/things without making it about her brother. Parents are the AH.
I really don't know much about autism. But these parents have had 30 years to help this boy. The least they could have done is teach him right from wrong. His possessions were always "sacred." Why wasn't he ever taught that her possessions were "sacred?" Was his autism so severe that he couldn't learn anything? Or be taught to respect other people? Breaking one of her possessions every day? Why didn't he break anything else? And breaking her door to get in to break her stuff. I just have a feeling that brother knew exactly what he was doing by breaking her things. This is a deeper rooted problem. This poor woman has been wronged all her life. It's like nobody even cares. Her parents are to blame for not doing enough for either one of their children.
"Yes you probably shouldn't have yelled at your brother", no, she was right. The yelling set things in motion, that are necessary for her to emancipate herself from her family. As others pointed out, the parents will ask her to be the caretaker for her brother in time. The parents fückéd up his education bad and OP already realised she will not be able to be this caretaker.
Wow damn, that’s some nuts to show up unannounced and stay for a month. Also, s****y parenting
The parents are at fault here. I have friends who have one or two special needs child/children and they treat all their children equally. Their other children have their own space and stuff, and they don't have to share or give their stuff to their special needs siblings.
If the brother is so far out in the autistic spectrum that he can't be held accountable for anything, then he should be supervised every frigging second... the brother MAY not be guilty, but the parents sure are... It can happen one time, that he breaks something "by mistake", but if you know it's a common thing with him, the parents MUST watch him ALL THE TIME, to ensure he doesn't break someone else's possessions... this time was her sister's things, but if this is a common occurrence, one day he will break something property of someone with a short fuse, and he will end up beaten to a pulp before the parents can say he's autistic...
NTA. The child was capable of learning, of being taught, and what he was taught that everything was his. They came to your house unannounced and he saw your place as his toy box because he was never taught boundaries. I'm deeply sorry he has disabilities that will hinder his life, but it sounds like your parents would have rather just not deal with his temper tantrums, so you were conceived just so your brother could live through you. Your parents were trying to feel out you to be a caregiver after they can no longer do this, their plans went up in smoke. They don't feel bad because of what you are feeling, they feel bad because their plans went up in smoke.
Yeah something sounds crazy about this. Who just shows up unannounced to stay for a month? And where were they while he was causing this destruction? I understand you think they were good parents but....taking your medals away and buying toys he can play with for YOUR birthday? That's some Harry Potter level sh!t. They might as well have named you 'spare parts'. But at the same time...grow a backbone. Someone shows up at my door, I don't care if it's my grandma, they can stay for a few minutes and even that I'm salty about. Call first, ESPECIALLY if you know you have a special needs child who may cause issues in your home. My cousin is severely mentally disabled and they don't take him anywhere without calling first. They also made an even bigger effort to celebrate things from the other kids because they knew how much attention he was taking regularly. In fact, they enjoyed it because it felt...for lack of a better word...normal.
Luckily for the OP she failed the interview for care giver, she dodged a massive bullet.
This seems really strange. Like, this happens to people. It's so horrible that her parents didn't let her have proper child attention and experience. Just because someone else needs attention, it doesn't mean she doesn't. I really hope no one I know grows up to be like that. I have Chrons and I try to ignore when I'm feeling bad because the special treatment makes me feel guilty in school. :(
Really bad parenting at it's finest. And I saw this too often unfortunately: people get child with a disability and all the world turns around that one child. All the siblings get completely neglected. It really breaks ones heart seeing a little 4 year old girl fighting as hard as she can for any attention and getting absolutely none from the parents while they are 100% focused on that other child. And the child with the disability also is a victim. Because they raise a complete 100% brat. And while, symbolically speaking, people are very willing to help somebody in a wheelchair, nobody likes to help an complete a**hole in a wheelchair. It's very hard for me not to get completely judgemental about the parents in such cases. Often enough they are in that with such a huge ego, generating all their self worth out investing their whole life in that one child and ignoring anything else. And by the time they realise they can't admit to themselves what they have done and double down.
NTA I feel for you but sometimes parents just don't see what they are doing wrong. To show up unannounced and stay for a month!! I don't know how you coped. I was the oldest and only girl growing up. My mother never failed to remind me that I was such a disappointment, because I wasn't a boy. My brothers were treated like little princes and if they did anything wrong I was punished because I should have been watching them. I was treated like a servant so as soon as I could I left and spent years away from home. This was the time I was most happiest. A few years ago I had to return, my father was elderly and I was expected to help with looking after him. I did this and now I'm back at square one with my mother treating me like a servant again. Please don't let this happen to you. Tell your parents to make sure your brother will be looked after but make sure it isn't down to you. This may seem heartless but you need to have a life and not be used.
YNTA your parents are, especially for treating you as less than zero all your life and then gaslighting you for their enabling your brother's behavior. Who the hell invites themselves unannounced to "visit" for a month? Probably would have stayed longer if you hadn't snapped. Go completely no contact for now after making it very clear that you are NOT going to "take responsibility or care" of brother in the future. That is their responsibility and problem since they had no time or use for you while you were growing up. End of conversation. Good luck and have a good life.
This is exactly why I don't let anyone know my address! I don't need any mf's showing up at my door unannounced and that is exactly what mf's do! I never gave my parents or my sister, my address, only a select 2 friends whom I know already respect my boundaries
Your brother is disabled not brain dead. His issue isn't being disabled but being spoiled because he's disabled. He was allowed to get away with anything using his disability as a excuse. Also arriving unannounced and staying a month without clearing it with you first shows their entitlement. You're not their daughter but their slave. They never show you as their child but someone who could take the burden of your brother off them..
A month's long stay from ANY of my family would end in a shouting match after 10 days. Extremely presumptuous of them. The assumption that you're just supposed to endure and "take it" without any consideration or reciprocation for your lifelong efforts to toe the line for the greater good is what leads to fractured families. Parents at fault, 100%.
I think parents brought him for a month to force a reintegration of the daughter back into the family. I bet it went something like: "You know, that doctor's visit was a relief, but it was still a scare & a wake-up call. We can't just take for granted that we're both going to be around for the next 20 or 30 years, and I don't think either of us can manage this on our own. Cassie's had her time to get out & spread her wings on her own for a bit, but it's time she started shifting focus back to her responsibility and rejoining the family. And if she's not coming to us, I think we should go to her. She needs to start getting used to living together as a unit again. Plus maybe it'll remind her how much she loves & misses her brother & how much he needs her. You know he's been getting worse & worse since she left." Then afterwards Mom & Dad started panicking because sis wants nothing to do with bro, so they try to guilt trip her into compliance. Run, girl, run!
Don't have a special needs sibling, but a lot of this is familiar. I'm the youngest, and though that usually means I get all the attention, for me the roles have been reversed. My older sister has been spiralling out of control with her life choices, as she never had to deal with the consequences of her actions due to my mother and grandmother - even my father - always cleaning up after her. A lot of the time my achievements or accomplishments were ignored because conveniently at the same time my sister has some crisis. our actual* special needs uncle passed away 5days before xmas 2019, right before covid hit. The day I found out, I immediately started making calls and arrangements because I knew my mother and grandmother wouldn't be able to do it. I have all my mom's friends in my contacts, but not my sister's new number. So I called the first person I knew for sure would have it - her ex husband. They still communicate cuz they co-parent their kids.
She found out that I called him to ask for her number, and on the day of our uncle passing away, she made it all about herself, calling ME an a*****e, and how would I like it if she talked to MY exes (I wouldn't care tbh, I still talk to most of mine anyway?). I had enough and exploded on her, similar to OP, and cut her out of my life. Ever since then, it's become everyones favourite passtime in the family to either guilt trip me, or tell me I was wrong to do that, that she's family no matter what. Sometimes I do feel bad, but I stand firm behind this decision. I understand getting upset that I called the ex husband, I guess. But it's not like I talk to him every day. It's not as if we're besties. It was for a death in the family. It was literally the only time I've ever actually called. Yet somehow I'm the bad guy. They can all be disappointed all they want. I'm tired of being the adult in the family while they all scurry to handle her problems. She's 37!
Load More Replies... This poor f*****g girl dude. I don't blame her at all. Those parents and that situation sound like a nightmare. And I completely agree with the one commenter on the caretaker thing. They were 100% gonna dump him on her as soon as they could. I also feel bad for the brother because it's not his fault he is special needs and the parents could have spent all that time teaching him about boundaries or taking him to therapy or something. The parents are the a******s. You don't get to give all your attention to one child and completely ignore the other one. That's not how that works. I know that OP can't read this, but get that entire family away from you. It is infuriating that the parents would get mad at HER for this s**t. It just solidifies how they think their son can do no wrong and that it's always gonna be her fault, never theirs, and never his. I'd be done. I would be so done with all of them. F**k that.
God the "they tried their best" line. Mine tries their best. I'm in therapy with diagnosed C-PTSD, PTSD, severe social anxiety and major depression. Not to mention the s**t I never had diagnosed as a kid but have it now, because my parents couldn't be f***** figure it out. Yeah my parents did their best but I'm with the other commenter. They didn't do good enough.
Nta, plain and simple. Yes, ops brother is special needs. However, that doesn't excuse the parents behavior. My HS gf had an older disabled brother, and she was still able to have a decent childhood. Even today, she and all of her siblings have healthy relationships, between each other and their parents. Its not hard to strike a balance. But if you sacrifice one child for the benefit of your other child, you are always TA in every situation that arises, no question.
You are definitely not the a*****e. I have a special needs adult child and when he was 7 his first counselor gave me the best advice. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior whether special needs or not. Your parents have basically taught your brother that his behavior is OK because they've never corrected him. I think it's wrong of your parents to say they're disappointed in you. You did nothing wrong and it was wrong of them to drop in on you for a month. Your brother's behavior is unacceptable and he should have been taught when he was young the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Your parents have not only failed you but they've failed your brother too by not teaching him right from wrong.
As someone who has a special needs brother, this is so far out of line. I understand maybe helping out the parents every once in awhile, but that is child abuse. Something that could happen in my family is if my brother is having a breakdown I might sit with him and help him regulate his breathing, but only because I can understand his needs and feelings better than my parents. I would never be solely responsible for him, and my parents would always be near us. The brother was probably never taught how to self regulate and might not have known what was going on. This might be completely wrong but that's my thought process.
NTA...If it had been me, I would've told them to leave after showing up at my home. It was obvious that they were trying to get you to take care of your brother in the future when they pass on. That's not your responsibility. The parents will need to get him to a facility that can take care of him.
NTA but your parents sure are. You need to have a deep, insightful conversation with them about how they have turned your brother into a non- productive person who thinks the world revolves around him rather than a person who achieved their own goals and rewards. You also need to make them understand that treating you like a second-class citizen has created a permanent rift between you, them and your brother. Let them know that after they get counselling, you will be willing to try to mend fences with them.
Your parents are AH!!! Maybe you should have told him how this wasn't right for him to do these things then got harsh with your parents but not him hear. They suck. They should have been watching him in your house. Do they let him do this at other people's house. They abused you all your life. When they noticed that he stated breaking stuff they should have cut the visit short. They were taking advantage of you. They didn't respect you or your house. If they can't monitor him in the proper fashion don't let them back to your house.
You’re a real hero to cope so well throughout your whole life with this awful burden that was thrust upon you. Your parents robbed you of your childhood and want to rob you of your adulthood too - you’ve tolerated this long enough and it’s their problem now. Go and have a happy life.
What gets me is as an autistic adult her brother doesn't understand don't touch? I have a son in the spectrum (quite bad) and he know about his things snd other people's things. Autism doesn't mean unteachable. These parents let down both of their children, ignored one and failed to teach the other some of life's basic skills
so she wasn't allowed to TOUCH his things, but he's allowed to break hers? great parenting there.
Oh, they ABSOLUTELY were doing a demo to transition her to caretaker. I bet they were wanting to retire or something and have her step in "part time" to give themselves some freedom.
I agree with the people who say this was a "test" by the parents to see if OP could be caretaker for her bro. Guess she failed! FYI, you gotta have some nerve to show up uninvited and stay for a month!
Man- I just asked my oldest son the other day if he ever felt neglected or shunned bc of his younger brother. I'm so glad he said no. I try hard to keep them each in their own lane while keeping them brotherly as well- at 15 and 7- both boys and the younger one w Autism- it's difficult at times. But they each have their own days w me- and never would I take from one to give to the other! I am so glad you posted this - bc you needed to know you should have been treated much better- to be inspired to be your own person and to actually earn and own your own things. I hope you find some peace in your outburst- bc it was totally justified! And whomever first said they prob were going to have you as his caretaker: WOW! I never thought of that! But they're most likely correct. I could not imagine putting that burden on my oldest. If he offered- I'd still prepare the future differently. Everyone deserves their own path. At the very least- choice of path. And yeah- send them a bill-----
As an autistic person, they did a disservice not only to OP but to their brother. They raised him to believe he would get whatever he wanted whenever he wanted & would never have repercussions for his actions. I understand that raising an autistic child is hard. However, that's not an excuse not to raise them.
Sounds like Mom and Dad's way of dealing with the brother was to never discipline him at all. Autistic does mean he has to be treated with kid gloves. Limits should have been established long ago. Now he'll probably end up in a group home if he's lucky.
I really feel for this woman. My younger brother was schizophrenic; my older sister was domineering and demanding, and my younger sister was the darling of the family. Leaving me pretty much neglected and taken for granted. I was 5 when I realized my parents wouldn't have my back.
Jesus what a s**t sandwich. I mean it's easy to blame the parents, but when you're raising a water head, what the hell are you supposed to do? I don't know about this one.
Do your job as a parent and take care of both of your kids? Teach and guide your autistic child and stop treating them like idiots? Don’t make your young child take care of their autistic sibling bc you’re too scared and/or lazy to do it?
Load More Replies... ESH. The moment they came, OP should have taken every item of value to a friend's house. OP knew what would happen with brother in the house. The parents will never realize how they've treated OP, and will never take responsibility. OP knows that. From this point on, OP should demand her place is off limits and all meet ups should be on neutral ground. Additionally, judging by the way she feels about Brother, she should let parents know that she will not be Brother's caregiver as he ages. Make sure parents provide for him financially.
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