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Ronald Ulysses Swanson is probably the manliest man that has ever manned on our or any other planet ever. His aim to make government less efficient and a fervent disregard for any public interaction rang close to home to many viewers. His love for woodworking, breakfast food, and nautical literature strummed on the heartstrings of even more of them. And his deadpan humor and stereotypically masculine character made him one of the most beloved personas in the world of situation comedy series. Although mister Swanson wasn’t one to spill his thoughts in an endless stream of words, once he did open his mouth, the phrases would just knock you out cold. And yeah, we went to the lengths of gathering the most impressive ones into an article and are presenting to you our thorough compendium of Ron Swanson quotes.
These relatable quotes will definitely speak volumes of Ron’s character - they are straight to the point, blunt, and without any space for interpretation. His cool quotes tell it exactly how it is, and this is a quality we could all presumably have a bit more of. And although Ron might seem made of stone - an unyielding Man with a capital M - his softer side does shine through, however rarely. Then his beautiful quotes speak about love, friendship, and such camaraderie we should all strive to experience. No other character in the Parks And Recreation series is both as complex and as simple as Ron, and that’s exactly why we like him so much!
So, get ready for the best Ron Swanson quotes just a smidgen down further. His wise words will enlighten you on the matters of life, love, and breakfast foods - all of the most important things for any human being. Be sure to vote for the most inspiring quotes and share this article with your friends afterward!
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#1
Mastering the art of selective ignorance
“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
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#2
Cold, but make it sad
“Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.”
#3
Low-Key Social Distancing Expert
“When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”
#4
Caught me off guard with that one
“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish… and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.”
#5
Milk\'s identity crisis, apparently
“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.”
#6
Why pretend math is optional?
“Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.”
Cheyanne Pavan 3 years ago
I think he's onto something here. The true mark of an idiot is when one says 110%.
#7
Rage Responsibly, Folks
“One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”
Dick Sawkins 3 years ago
Recommended: In Person NOT recommended: Online. Say no to cancel culture.
#8
Chaos isn’t a mood, trust me
"Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness."
#9
Breakfast: The OG Mood Booster
"There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food."
#10
Plot twist: He’s just not a fan of symbolism
“Metaphors? I hate metaphors. That’s why my favorite book is Moby Dick. No frufu symbolism, just a good simple tale about a man who hates an animal.”
#11
When Brutally Honest Feels Like a Compliment
Ben Wyatt: “You know, you are a wonderful guy, and I admire many things about you, but you are a terrible person to discuss personal problems with.” Ron: “Thank you friend, that really means a lot to me.”
#12
Zen and the Art of Not Caring
“Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”
#13
Plot twist: That counts as therapy
"Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?" "I have an uncle who does yoga."
#14
Wait, wizards or space wizards?
“Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?”
#15
No such thing as “too much bacon”
“Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait… I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”
#16
Silence is overrated anyway
“I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins. There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins.”
#17
Big Mood Energy
Ron: “And I’ll have the number eight.” Server: “That’s a party platter, it serves twelve people.” Ron: “I know what I’m about son.”
#18
Breakfast For Life, No Cap
Leslie: “Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?”
Ron: “People are idiots, Leslie.”
#19
Tom’s laziness is oddly comforting
"I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero imitative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee."
#20
Mind Your Own Soul Business
“What religion am I? Well I am practicing none of your damn business.”
#21
Life Hack: Zero Handouts Here
“If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”
Leslie Mint 3 years ago
This one is not good reaching out for help when you need it is healthy What he said right here is not.
#22
Unplugged and Loving It
Ann Perkins: “You’re stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing that you bring with you?” Ron Swanson: “Silence.”
#23
Surprise Parties? No Thanks
“Leslie, my first wife Tammy, tried throwing me a surprise birthday party. When I saw my friends hiding through the window, I drove to a gas station, called the cops, and told ’em people had broken into my home. I’m not big on surprises.”
#24
When Taxes Get Too Personal
“The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.”
#25
Luck? Nah, just excuses hiding
“I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”
#26
Plot twist: economics with attitude
"Capitalism is the only way… It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.”
#28
When dinner sounds like a rollercoaster ride
“You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’”
#29
Rules were made to be paused
“The Human Resources department requires that I be available once a month to discuss workplace disputes with my employees. The rules do not specify whether or not I am allowed to listen to Willie Nelson on my headphones.”
#31
Unplugged and Loving It
[Ron does not subscribe to the new world of social media, and being on the grid.] “Food is for eating, places are for being. End of discussion.”
#32
Veggies Just Got Fancier
“Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”
#33
Not How I Planned to Stay Silent
“Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.”
#34
Living That Sneak-Attack Life
“I have a hernia. I’ve had it for a while, and I’ve been ignoring it successfully. But uh, this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don’t move my head or torso, I’m good. I got this.”
#35
Bootstraps? More like jetpacks.
“I’m impressed with Andy, pulling himself up by his bootstraps. Reminds me of a young me. I got my first job when I was nine working at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks I was running the floor. Child Labor Laws are ruining this country.”
#36
Honesty’s Just a Fashion Choice
“I have never lied about anything in my life. Though, I suppose you could construe camouflage as a lie.”
#37
Winning is just my chill mode off
“I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win and when I don’t, I get furious.”
#38
Last Words with a Side of Shade
“On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”
#39
Freedom tastes exactly like a supersize meal
"The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful."
#40
Bettering stuff without the bureaucracy
“This is not government work, as such I treat it with care and attention.”
#41
Why Pretend When You Can Just Be?
"I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can just go outside and stand in it."
#42
Shop ’til your fridge’s full
“I love Food and Stuff. It’s where I buy all my food… and most of my stuff.”
#43
When DIY Meets Disaster
[Ron gives a gift to Chris] “The crib I built, I’m giving to you and Ann. It’s perfectly safe. I tested it by hitting it with my truck.”
#44
Surviving Monday like a pro
"It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain."
#45
Not Your Bunny’s Salad Response
[After being asked if he wants a salad] "Since I am not a rabbit, no I do not."
#46
Breakfast Battles Are Real
“I can’t think of anything more noble to go to war over, than bacon and eggs.”
#47
Leveling up: From zero to Swanson
“Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”
#49
Plot Twist: Food’s the Victim
“When I eat, it is the food that is scared.”
#50
Priorities, am I right?
“Strippers do nothing for me… but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.”
#51
Motivation, but make it primal
“There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.”
#52
Chief Procrastination Officer reporting for duty
“Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.”
#54
Plot twist: Boxing’s glow-up
“Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.”
#55
Tears Come in Weird Flavors
“I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.”
#56
Officially Too Busy to Care
"Busy? Impossible. I work for the government."
#57
Dinner’s judgment day
"In my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life."
#58
No regrets, just vibes
“I regret nothing. The end.”
Leon Graer 2 years ago
This is how I will end every conversation ever from here on out. I regret nothing. The end.
#59
Cool Beans Vibes Only
“I hope the rest of your day is cool beans.”
#60
Chasing Clout? Pass.
“Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.”
#61
Living the steak life without regrets
“I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.”
#62
Plot Twist: Allergic to Everything
[Describing his allergies] “Cowardice and weak-willed men… and hazelnuts.”
#63
Comfort zones are basically fortresses
“Well I’ve never been one for meeting new people, or doing new things, or eating new types of food, or traveling outside of southern Indiana. I’ve had the same haircut since 1978 and I’ve driven the same car since 1991. I’ve used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl. I still get my milk delivered by horse.”
#64
No Oil Spill, Please
“I assumed this was obvious but in the future, I’d prefer not to be part of any conversation about which body oil is best.”
#65
Boundaries? Not in My Ride
“Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?”
#66
Well, that escalated quickly
“I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.”
Leon Graer 2 years ago
Nor do I, but every secondary-school boy in England (save a choice few) is a moron, an egotistical beast and a charlatan.
#67
Eyewear and Cunning, Naturally
“Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.”
#68
Art class confessions, no cap
“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, children are terrible artists. And artists are crooks.”
#69
Marriage: The Ultimate Gamble
“Leslie, I got married twice, both times I was a lot older than those two, and both marriages ended in divorce and a burning effigy. Whose to say what works? You find somebody you like and you roll the dice. That’s all anybody can do.”
#70
Plot twist: Life’s all about upgrades
“I like some changes. Like when I change a tree into a canoe, or a wife into an ex-wife.”
Leon Graer 2 years ago
Or when I change from starting ("Finally, I can fit in!!") to finishing ("Shut up: I'm older than you, I know more than you, and I don't care how many like-minded idiots you surround yourself with, so leave me be.")
#71
Honesty is comedy
“Another word for 'jokes' is 'lies'. I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.”
#74
Built to Last (Even If You Don’t Buy It)
“Say what you want about organized religion, but those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.”
#75
Keeping it simple beats overdoing it every time
[Describes his bowling technique] “Straight down the middle. No hook. No spin. No fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.”
#76
Heavy Pet Energy
“Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.”
#77
Jack of All Trades, Master of Canvas
“That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.”
Timothy Jamelli 3 years ago
Also valuable materials we quickly trivialize: Aluminum and Helium
#78
When Your City Meets Chuck E. Cheese
"I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for-profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model."
#79
Me? Opening Up? Hard Pass
“I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 mins.”
#80
Toenail Hulk Mode Activated
“Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They're too strong for clippers.”
#81
The Gift Card Conspiracy Revealed
“Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”
#82
Now That’s Dedication (or Obsession)
“Listen, I’ve eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won’t affect the only part of my job that I like.”
#83
Cursive Is So Extra
“I prefer quality over flash – that’s why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.”
#85
Mind Your Own Mood Booster
"The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am."
Timothy Jamelli 3 years ago
Yesssss! Looking at you jornalists about Florence Pugh, Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles
#87
No other cuts allowed, apparently
“There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.”
#88
When Your Breakup Needs a Fire Drill
“The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”
#89
Meetings Are About To Get Real
“I’ve created this office as a symbol of how I feel about government. This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel…”
#90
Well, that escalated quickly
“Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.”
#91
Boundaries but Make It Chill
"We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine because I am not looking for any new friends. End speech."
#92
When Bureaucracy Gets Excited About Parks
“There’s a new wind blowing in government, and I don’t like it. All of a sudden there’s all this federal money coming in, and Paul the City Manager is telling us to build parks. Start new community programs. It’s horrifying.”
#93
Camping Calls for Cowards Like Us
“Gentlemen, wilderness weekend is upon us. There will be no video games, there will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents, me and mother nature.”
#94
Tammy’s just a vibe in this family
”My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara… she goes by Tammy.”
#95
Goals: Low-Key Genius or Office Rebel?
“I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.”
#96
Alright, This One’s a Bold Take
“History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”
#99
Welcome to the United States of Everything
“America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.”
#100
Porch Nights > Club Lights
“An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight real from the WNBA.”
#101
Guess I Should Care About That Then
"The only thing that’s important at the end of the day is what’s on your gravestone — your name."
#102
Jazz beats and bubble retreats
"On nights like this when the cold winds blow, the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dream, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz."
What do you think ?
Joshua Moore 3 years ago
I watched it for the first time about 2 years ago, from start to finish. I loved the Ron Swanson character. I aim to be him when I grow up. So many great quotes!! 😁😜
Load More Replies... Joshua Moore 3 years ago
I watched it for the first time about 2 years ago, from start to finish. I loved the Ron Swanson character. I aim to be him when I grow up. So many great quotes!! 😁😜
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