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As a dad of 3, I can say with confidence that parenthood is a lot of incredibly happy and joyful moments that you want to experience again and again. But at the same time, this is also a complete, total change in your entire life for many, many years…
And I can also say that no matter how involved I am as a dad (a decent one, I sincerely believe) in bringing up my kids, the burden that falls on the mother is still way more difficult. And so, the user BendyGirl85, the author of our story today, also faced a similar experience after giving birth to her first child.
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The author of the post is a new mom who recently delivered her first child – a daughter
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
The woman says that she never wanted kids herself but changed her mind under her husband’s influence
Image credits: BendyGirl85
Image credits: Josh Willink (not the actual photo)
And so now the mom sincerely says that she misses her “pre-baby” life so much
Image credits: BendyGirl85
The woman wonders if these thoughts and feelings are valid and just seeks support and advice online
So, the Original Poster (OP) is a new mom, who quite sincerely admits that she loves her daughter very much – but still deeply misses the carefree life that she and her husband had before her birth. Yes, that’s right – the woman partly regrets that she allowed her husband to talk her into having a child.
According to the author, she never wanted to have kids – however, she changed her mind under the influence of her spouse. He always dreamed of becoming a dad – and his influence gradually changed his wife’s viewpoint. And now, a little over a year later, his dream came true, and his wife… “Guess whose life changed and whose didn’t?” the author asks a rhetorical question.
Previously, before pregnancy and the birth of her daughter, the original poster had many different and interesting hobbies, and just simple things that are now either irretrievably gone from her life or have changed beyond recognition. The woman sincerely admits that she gets “so bored at home looking after a baby all day.”
Technically, all the hobbies that previously made up a significant part of the couple’s life can be indulged in now, since the birth of a child – but just agree that it will still not be the same. The author recalls that she and her husband used to be fond of camping, and recently went with their daughter – and this time she had to look after the baby most of the time.
And, of course, the new mom also says that she misses her “pre-baby body.” She gained 10 kilograms during pregnancy and is now about 3 dress sizes bigger. She tries to fit in some workouts, but all that the current situation allows her is 20 minutes a day, nothing more.
The woman assures readers that this is not postpartum depression, but simply the difficult process of getting used to a new life role – but she didn’t suspect that this process would be as difficult and somehow painful for her as it is…
Image credits: Marcus Aurelius (not the actual photo)
“To be honest, if I were this mom, I’d still go to the doctor for a checkup, because, it seems to me, some elements of postpartum depression are still present here. And, of course, the support of her husband and other relatives should play a very important role here,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment here. “Especially if the man was really such a great enthusiast of parenthood. After all, any child is a big responsibility. And this responsibility must be divided equally.”
“Some women, when faced with such thoughts, begin to be tormented by remorse, wondering if they are bad mothers? No, this is completely normal – because dramatic changes occur in life, and these changes are for a long time. A very long time, in fact. Therefore, I’m pretty sure that maximum family support is needed here, as well as a conversation with a specialist. After this it should become easier,” Irina summarizes.
Many commenters on the original post also tried to convince the author that the situation she was experiencing was familiar to them too. And that her feelings are in fact absolutely valid. “No regrets, but I deeply miss the freedom and sense of self before baby. I do feel like I’ve lost myself after having her, but I know it’s an adjustment and I’ll just figure my new identity as I go,” one of the moms in the comments wisely said. “I mourn the loss of the old me, but I’m looking forward to her toddler and childhood years.”
And besides, people in the comments are almost sure that the support of her spouse in this situation is needed more than ever. “Your feelings are totally valid – but I do think there are some changes that could help you enjoy the experience more. Can you either go back to school for your passion or find a job you love and put baby in daycare? Your husband also needs to step up. Why has only your life changed?” another mom wonders reasonably.
Well, if you are still wondering whether you and your partner should have kids at all, perhaps this post will be valuable information for you to think about. And if you already have children, then we’d highly appreciate your own thoughts over this story in the comments below.
Most of the people in the comments supported this mom and also told her that her spouse should be more involved here
Image credits: Tirachard Kumtanom (not the actual photo)
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What do you think ?
Sherman 1 year ago
Don't compromise on something like this. This so unfair to the kids. If you want kids but your partner doesn't want to have kids, don't badger your partner into it or don't let them do it to you. You are not compatible. Those kids deserve better. You either love the person you're w/ for who they are n you agree over the future you both want together or you find someone who does.... you're an a*****e if you're either person in this scenario. Equally.
Cadence Thorne 1 year ago
My dad didn't want kids, but he did to make my mom happy. My sister and I are TOTALLY fine, PERFECTLY well-asjusted, why ever do you ask? /s
Load More Replies...
Alexandra 1 year ago
Telling OP that things get easier as the child gets older is very sweet, but there is no guarantee of that. Each and every stage of a child's life has its own particular challenges. Being a parent never ends: most parents will feel 'the burden of responsibility' until the day they die. The child is here now, so it's no use reproaching OP for caving in to societal and spousal pressure. There is some good advice given and I hope OP takes that to heart.
Zedrapazia 1 year ago
The only way I could see for her to get away from the kids indefinitely is to divorce and give up full custody, but that's also a screwed situation for everyone involved, particularly the kids
Load More Replies...
Aline 1 year ago
This is really common but not discussed. Maybe if it were discussed more, people would understand pressuring someone into having kids is cruel. Giving in to that pressure and raising a kid anyway is worse. I know some is confirmation bias, parents who pressure children to procreate have kids themselves, so we need to make sure Society in general sees child free people as normal, because statistically and socially they are.
VisualHowlaroundTitleSequence 1 year ago
Maybe society pushing every damn individual to a) get married and b) have kids wasn't the best idea. No one is the same as anyone else, and trying to force everyone else into the mold/lifestyle that YOU fit into has been the source of human evil for centuries.
Guess Undheit 1 year ago
Males that demand breeding are like dogs pi$$ing to mark their territory. They're not doing it out of necessity, they're doing it so that EVERYONE knows they aren't shooting blanks. Pressuring Childfree women into forced breeding should be treated as harassment and sexual assault.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago
It's always been such a strange concept to me, personally, as well. I'm adopted, and my dad was a great dad and loved me. There was never a moment where I was anything except his daughter. So personally I don't understand the insistence of some parents that their child HAS to be their own DNA and they won't even entertain adoption (or anything else). I know that's not the case here, but it does feel like OP's husband pressed her into having a child she didn't want to have, and is now doing nothing to help raise it. IMO, that makes him a terrible father.
Load More Replies...
Cat Houston 1 year ago
I left the love of my life over it. He wanted kids. I refused. I had to tell him I didn't love him anymore so he'd let me go. I was heartbroken for 20 years but when you love someone, you want them to be fulfilled. I do not regret my decision one bit. Kids are an absolute nope for me.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
It's good OP doesn't want this getting back to her daughter but she will know. Kids always know which parents love being parents, which wish they had different kids, which have favourites, which are just parents to please others or to compete with others. Huge topic of discussion and analysis by adolescents, but kids know before that and just don't have the vocabulary to talk about it or feel too sad about it. Don't have kids when you don't want them. Anyone who pressures you into having a child isn't a good partner, it's not worth it.
Cadence Thorne 1 year ago
"Kids always know which parents love being parents, which wish they had different kids, which have favourites, which are just parents to please others or to compete with others." I wish I couldn't relate, but you said it perfectly.
Load More Replies... 
DrBronxx 1 year ago
I have no advice. I'd definitely say there are things that I miss - more control over my sleep and my schedule in general, not having every excursion outside of the house requiring so much preparation, etc., but those are relatively minor things, and nowhere near enough to make me to regret having my child. However, unlike OP, I always wanted to have a child, and was as mentally prepared as you can be for the lifestyle switch. However, my wife and I have both agreed that we will never have a second - one is exhausting and expensive enough!
Looz-ashae 1 year ago
What's wrong with camping with kids? Seen plenty of people doing this. Hell, I was a kid who's been taken to nature for weeks since I was 2.
patricia Torres 1 year ago
You said not postpartum but that can last years and does numbers on all birthing women . Many women go back to work soon after birth ,even pursue excellent careers. If you need to do that then do it. The world doesn't stop being you gave birth. Life keeps going. Kids are not a death sentence. It's your mind that's messing with you.
patricia Torres 1 year ago
It sounds like the fantasy of parenting faded, quickly. That and post Parton depression. Then your body changes, some women love them others hate them. Look your baby is small and very dependent on you right now. It feels like an eternity sometimes but they grow fast. This is a slow moment in time. Before you know you baby will be doing things and you will want to get closer but they just want to experience everything at their finger tips. Some people become best friends with their kids believe it . They go from 0 to 13 in no time. Try to be patient, they don't need you patrolling their every breath , they don't care very much about how you are doing at this age but they often grow to be a spitting image of you or personality of you. That baby that feels eternally dependent might be your travel buddy later on. You aren't bad or evil, your feelings are extremely normal. Give yourself time too, it'll all work out.
Suluhu 1 year ago
I felt EXACTLY the same as this person. And then we had another kid. And then I felt it AGAIN. They are now 4 and 6 and they are amazing people with opinions and interests and it is so much fun to be their parent. The first 4-5 years of being a parent were so hard, for me and my husband both. But we did our absolute best regardless of our feelings, as these kids never asked to be born and they deserved to be taken care of and loved for being brought into the world. And now we're reaping the rewards. We both absolutely regretted having kids for years, but now we're so happy. And also: my husband gets to play darts with his friends again and I just finished my first year of a bachelor's degree, bought a mountain bike and entered a kickboxing class. Your life comes back eventually and you'll appreciate it so much more.
Key Lime 1 year ago
I LOVE being a Mum but I was not prepared for how much work it was. I had a full time job and my hubby worked out of town in camps two weeks in and two weeks out. When he was home he had the kids while I was at work then expected me to take over when I got home from work. He always said it was easy but it was only easy for HIM.
Vanessa MacKenzie 1 year ago
I was never a "player" with my children. I disliked pretending with dolls and trucks, etc. I preferred to show them the world in reality. You may enjoy the ages of 1-4, Everything in new in their eyes, as this is where they start taking notice of their environment. This is when you can go exploring nature, as is your personal joy, and seeing everything as if it was brand new to you. While not entirely the same, imagine introducing your daughter to all the wonders you love now. When they become more independent, sitting and reading a book while they are playing in the same room, will be possible. Cherish the time now, where you are their eyes and teacher, as all too soon they will grow up and want to experience things without you. Focus on the joys, rather than the losses.
Sherman 1 year ago
Don't compromise on something like this. This so unfair to the kids. If you want kids but your partner doesn't want to have kids, don't badger your partner into it or don't let them do it to you. You are not compatible. Those kids deserve better. You either love the person you're w/ for who they are n you agree over the future you both want together or you find someone who does.... you're an a*****e if you're either person in this scenario. Equally.
Cadence Thorne 1 year ago
My dad didn't want kids, but he did to make my mom happy. My sister and I are TOTALLY fine, PERFECTLY well-asjusted, why ever do you ask? /s
Load More Replies... Alexandra 1 year ago
Telling OP that things get easier as the child gets older is very sweet, but there is no guarantee of that. Each and every stage of a child's life has its own particular challenges. Being a parent never ends: most parents will feel 'the burden of responsibility' until the day they die. The child is here now, so it's no use reproaching OP for caving in to societal and spousal pressure. There is some good advice given and I hope OP takes that to heart.
Zedrapazia 1 year ago
The only way I could see for her to get away from the kids indefinitely is to divorce and give up full custody, but that's also a screwed situation for everyone involved, particularly the kids
Load More Replies... Aline 1 year ago
This is really common but not discussed. Maybe if it were discussed more, people would understand pressuring someone into having kids is cruel. Giving in to that pressure and raising a kid anyway is worse. I know some is confirmation bias, parents who pressure children to procreate have kids themselves, so we need to make sure Society in general sees child free people as normal, because statistically and socially they are.
VisualHowlaroundTitleSequence 1 year ago
Maybe society pushing every damn individual to a) get married and b) have kids wasn't the best idea. No one is the same as anyone else, and trying to force everyone else into the mold/lifestyle that YOU fit into has been the source of human evil for centuries.
Guess Undheit 1 year ago
Males that demand breeding are like dogs pi$$ing to mark their territory. They're not doing it out of necessity, they're doing it so that EVERYONE knows they aren't shooting blanks. Pressuring Childfree women into forced breeding should be treated as harassment and sexual assault.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago
It's always been such a strange concept to me, personally, as well. I'm adopted, and my dad was a great dad and loved me. There was never a moment where I was anything except his daughter. So personally I don't understand the insistence of some parents that their child HAS to be their own DNA and they won't even entertain adoption (or anything else). I know that's not the case here, but it does feel like OP's husband pressed her into having a child she didn't want to have, and is now doing nothing to help raise it. IMO, that makes him a terrible father.
Load More Replies... Cat Houston 1 year ago
I left the love of my life over it. He wanted kids. I refused. I had to tell him I didn't love him anymore so he'd let me go. I was heartbroken for 20 years but when you love someone, you want them to be fulfilled. I do not regret my decision one bit. Kids are an absolute nope for me.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
It's good OP doesn't want this getting back to her daughter but she will know. Kids always know which parents love being parents, which wish they had different kids, which have favourites, which are just parents to please others or to compete with others. Huge topic of discussion and analysis by adolescents, but kids know before that and just don't have the vocabulary to talk about it or feel too sad about it. Don't have kids when you don't want them. Anyone who pressures you into having a child isn't a good partner, it's not worth it.
Cadence Thorne 1 year ago
"Kids always know which parents love being parents, which wish they had different kids, which have favourites, which are just parents to please others or to compete with others." I wish I couldn't relate, but you said it perfectly.
Load More Replies... DrBronxx 1 year ago
I have no advice. I'd definitely say there are things that I miss - more control over my sleep and my schedule in general, not having every excursion outside of the house requiring so much preparation, etc., but those are relatively minor things, and nowhere near enough to make me to regret having my child. However, unlike OP, I always wanted to have a child, and was as mentally prepared as you can be for the lifestyle switch. However, my wife and I have both agreed that we will never have a second - one is exhausting and expensive enough!
Looz-ashae 1 year ago
What's wrong with camping with kids? Seen plenty of people doing this. Hell, I was a kid who's been taken to nature for weeks since I was 2.
patricia Torres 1 year ago
You said not postpartum but that can last years and does numbers on all birthing women . Many women go back to work soon after birth ,even pursue excellent careers. If you need to do that then do it. The world doesn't stop being you gave birth. Life keeps going. Kids are not a death sentence. It's your mind that's messing with you.
patricia Torres 1 year ago
It sounds like the fantasy of parenting faded, quickly. That and post Parton depression. Then your body changes, some women love them others hate them. Look your baby is small and very dependent on you right now. It feels like an eternity sometimes but they grow fast. This is a slow moment in time. Before you know you baby will be doing things and you will want to get closer but they just want to experience everything at their finger tips. Some people become best friends with their kids believe it . They go from 0 to 13 in no time. Try to be patient, they don't need you patrolling their every breath , they don't care very much about how you are doing at this age but they often grow to be a spitting image of you or personality of you. That baby that feels eternally dependent might be your travel buddy later on. You aren't bad or evil, your feelings are extremely normal. Give yourself time too, it'll all work out.
Suluhu 1 year ago
I felt EXACTLY the same as this person. And then we had another kid. And then I felt it AGAIN. They are now 4 and 6 and they are amazing people with opinions and interests and it is so much fun to be their parent. The first 4-5 years of being a parent were so hard, for me and my husband both. But we did our absolute best regardless of our feelings, as these kids never asked to be born and they deserved to be taken care of and loved for being brought into the world. And now we're reaping the rewards. We both absolutely regretted having kids for years, but now we're so happy. And also: my husband gets to play darts with his friends again and I just finished my first year of a bachelor's degree, bought a mountain bike and entered a kickboxing class. Your life comes back eventually and you'll appreciate it so much more.
Key Lime 1 year ago
I LOVE being a Mum but I was not prepared for how much work it was. I had a full time job and my hubby worked out of town in camps two weeks in and two weeks out. When he was home he had the kids while I was at work then expected me to take over when I got home from work. He always said it was easy but it was only easy for HIM.
Vanessa MacKenzie 1 year ago
I was never a "player" with my children. I disliked pretending with dolls and trucks, etc. I preferred to show them the world in reality. You may enjoy the ages of 1-4, Everything in new in their eyes, as this is where they start taking notice of their environment. This is when you can go exploring nature, as is your personal joy, and seeing everything as if it was brand new to you. While not entirely the same, imagine introducing your daughter to all the wonders you love now. When they become more independent, sitting and reading a book while they are playing in the same room, will be possible. Cherish the time now, where you are their eyes and teacher, as all too soon they will grow up and want to experience things without you. Focus on the joys, rather than the losses.
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