Queer Person Shares Family Texts Over A Period Of 12 Years To Show How People Change
Interview With AuthorHaving your family and loved ones accept you for who you really are is fundamental to living a happy life. We’re social animals, after all, and community support is incredibly important. On the flip side, rejection and being shunned, according to some scientists, can lead to long-term pain and increased sadness, as well as anger.
Queer, trans, and non-binary model ‘Rain Dove’ Dubilewski, from Brooklyn, went viral after they shared the text messages they exchanged with their relatives over more than a decade. The messages show how their loved ones’ reactions to them being different changed massively since 2008. It’s heartwarming.
From getting hate to receiving lots of love and full acceptance, Rain Dove was eventually welcomed back with open arms into the home that they were forced to leave so many years ago. Have a read through Rain Dove’s text messages yourselves, dear Pandas, and see the shifts in thinking as time went by.
Bored Panda reached out to Rain Dove who was nice enough to answer our questions. Scroll down for our full, in-depth interview with them to learn about what their life is like now, what they accomplished in 2020, and what advice they’d give anyone who’s losing support at home.
Non-binary model Rain Dove showed their Instagram followers how their text messages with their relatives changed over more than a decade
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Acceptance from their relatives wasn’t forced
“At this point in my life, the beautiful thing is that I’m far more autonomous than I was before. I don’t ‘need’ the acceptance of my blood family to survive. Or thrive,” Rain Dove told Bored Panda. “I’ve had years of existing in my own strength paired with the wisdom of affirmation that it has been worth living for love instead of approval. I’ve laughed a lot, had great romances, and found joy when they said it wasn’t possible—I’ve proven that their displeasure was nothing more than that. THEIR displeasure, but not my own.”
They continued about how their relatives changed: “This in a way has made the acceptance of my relative something that I treasure far more. Because it is a gift that wasn’t forced or fought over. It’s given not as an ultimatum but as a genuine gesture. In fact, this year was the first year ever we exchanged gifts over the holidays—they got new pillows and I got a nice bottle of bourbon.”
“Freedom is coming soon”
The model gave everyone, struggling with their family and stuck at home, some genuine advice from their heart about what to do. “For anyone finding themselves in a space where they are still in the home of those who do not respect them or use their pronouns/sexuality labels I want to let You know that the people You are immediately surrounded by are not Your only family. We are SO excited to meet You and celebrate You as You are,” they said.
“Every day that You wake up and exist in a space that may not want You to gives You permission to tell others it’s possible. You are gaining the wisdom of how to. Please hang on because one day Your autonomy will come and with it You will be able to guide others like Yourself. You will be able to inspire them and save their lives.”
Rain Dove was honest that it might take your family a while to reflect on how you want to be perceived. So have patience. “You have had Your whole life to process who You are, they may need some time to unravel all they have known to know something new. It SHOULD be a given that we are immediately embraced for finding ourselves and our truths. However, there’s sometimes a mourning process that occurs in which while it may seem others are questioning You for who You are—they ACTUALLY are questioning themselves for who they are. They have to take time to reassess and reeducate.”
The model explained that this process can be painful, but that’s alright. They also said that people should only choose to come out when they feel safe to do so and feel it’s the right moment. “There’s no time limit. It’s actually a vulnerable gift of information You are giving so others can understand You—and, ultimately, love You. Lastly, let go of trying to control how they perceive You. By letting go of their validation You validate Yourself even more because You say that Your identity doesn’t hinge on their perspective. Let them go on their journey and protect Yourself. Freedom is coming soon and we can not be more excited to have a meal with You and welcome You.”
Moving out takes preparation which takes time, so have patience
Rain Dove was practical about what it takes to move out of your home if you feel that your relationship with your relatives is strained. Preparing to move out of a “toxic space” takes time, effort, energy, and finances.
“It doesn’t always happen immediately. Do a little bit every day, contact resources quietly, look up dream jobs, look up educational opportunities to achieve those jobs, reach out, create vision boards about your ultimate living space and even meals You want to cook for yourself. One thing that can help get Folx through time is to envision where we are told no vision could exist. You’ll be surprised what comes true,” they said.
2020 was a year full of volunteering and helping others
Rain Dove also opened up to Bored Panda about what 2020 was like for them and what they expect 2021 will bring. “2020 was an incredible year. I started it by volunteering with fire clean-up crews in Australia and am ending it working with the NHS to deliver medication and groceries to shielding seniors and COVID-19 patients. My modeling work went from photoshoots and runways to social media and IG lives,” they said.
Like many of us, the model spent 2020 going inwards, learning more about communication with others, and reevaluating their relationship both with other people and the world.
“The most difficult part was not COVID19—it was assisting those who contacted me about being stuck in lockdown with families, partners, and roommates who didn’t accept them. They felt trapped and scared—it was hard to not be able to hug them. I could only keep saying that freedom is coming. But the best part of 2020 was that it clarified what I am here to do on the planet. I have never been more excited to be an activist as well as a performer in the entertainment industry.”
2021 is looking to be a great year for Rain Dove and everyone they support: “Coming up this year I have a few great projects creating safe spaces for those who feel alone with Folx like the Visible team and Zalando. I’ll be releasing a project for A Darker Shade of Magic by VE Schwab featuring a fully intersectional cast with a disabled lead actor (my first Exec Producer/Directorial debut!), and of course, I’ll be hosting a free Friday Zoom until June for parents who have questions about their partners or kids regarding intersectional ties. No question too offensive. Come as You are. I will not judge. Just DM to register.”
The model’s grandma was the first person to accept them after they came out
Image credits: raindovemodel
Rain Dove’s Instagram post got nearly 21k likes since being posted on December 10 and sparked some hope that love will, eventually, overcome and conquer everything. And that family support will come out on top.
The story is positive not just for the LGBTQ community, but for everyone who’s ever had fundamental disagreements and door-slamming fights with their loved ones. No matter how much you think your relationship with your mom, dad, siblings, or other family members might be wrecked, there’s always a way to make it work. Now those are the warm and fuzzy feelings that you want during the winter holidays.
Of course, it’s naive to think that everyone will suddenly be on your side. As Rain Dove explains, not everyone has come around, but those that have reforged the bonds that were broken between them into something stronger. “Time may not always change everything, but often love will. Respect Your boundaries but be love. It will win.”
Rain Dove works in the fashion and film industries, and is an LGBTQ activist, according to their Instagram profile. They also believe in not using labels and that there are no limits. You can Bored Panda’s earlier post about Rain Dove right here.
"Yes it took some time. We needed to know you were sure." WTF?!? I'm not going to judge the family here, but this is so maddening! So you treat someone like air just to see if they're serious about being LGBTQ?!? If my two sons come out as gay/bi, I'm going to support them 100% because THAT'S what families do. It makes me so sad reading the above post...
And it had nothing to do with seeing their relative on TV? Unless theres a genuinely supportive message in 2016, my cynicism button is pressed. How their longterm support goes will speak volumes
Load More Replies...I know I'm not supposed to laugh, but typical vegetarian lesbian got me... what's funny though is even if she wanted to say stop being stereotypical, she couldn't because Kelsey is actually a vegetarian
Rain Dove uses they/them I believe, but I’m totally with you in the core. “Hey mom! Don’t assume just because Kelsey is gay, well bi really, that she only eats vegetables!! But she hs in fact a vegetarian, thanks for asking!”
Load More Replies...My cousin was a girl and transed guy. (Did I say that right?) His mom is the best. She goes to pride parades with a "free mom hugs" shirt and has a blast!
Because you asked: You should simply say your cousin is a trans guy. That tells us that your cousin identifies as male (you always use the gender they prefer). And it infers their "birth" gender without your ever saying it - sometimes being referred to as what they aren't any more is very hurtful because they have a painful history there and also they deal with so many people who won't accept that that it just becomes painful. Cheers! :)
Load More Replies...These messages sicken me. When my daughter came out I was thrilled. I can't imagine not being supportive! I have Goosebumps, it's AWFUL to be unsupportive about something like this.
Stop trying to protect people from the truth because they are older or from a different time/era. Although the intentions Im sure were good keep in mind that grandma and grandpa have seen way more s**t than you already. They lived through wars , desegregation , seeing the fall of communism and so much more the fact that junior is gay isnt even a blip on the radar for them when you consider what theyve already experienced.
Gotta give older folks some credit. Years back, some teenage boys at a waterfall tried to shock a group of grey (or white)-haired hikers by mooning them. One oldster gleefully yelled, "We're going to take pictures!" Another yelled, "We're going to put them on the internet!" The two guys got pissed off and gave us the finger. We giggled. Seriously, most folks over 55 have seen bare bums plenty of times. Family coming out? No biggie.
Load More Replies...Sorry my asshole personality, but is it me or family got supportive after TV appearance.? Might be a coincidence
Its so ironic that their family thought the grandma would be hurt but actually she was the first to accept them for who they are.
I love Rain Dove, they are an absolute beacon of positivity that the world needs more of right now. However I believe it's inaccurate to say they are trans, IIRC Rain was born non-binary. Nitpicking aside, that grandma photo warms my heart!
I will be one if the first people to admit I don’t understand what life is like for trans individuals or what they go through or the emotional changes they have. That being said, me needing time to understand and process what someone I love is going through is MY process, it doesn’t affect my love for them nor should it impede their personal growth. I won’t lie, if my baby girl announces one day she identifies as a man, I will have a roller coaster of personal emotions. But I’ll deal with those privately after I get done telling her how much I will always love him. I think the on of the best tools is open exchanges. Respectful conversation involving questions and answers. Maturity and civility. OP did a great job of staying calm and while still being assertive. It can be hard to be patient with other people’s feelings when you are facing so much yourself.
I've read about this person on BP already. I think their patience, their tolerance towards intolerant people and their long lasting dedication to help people opening their eyes and hearts are remarkable. We really need more people like this, not only on LGBT topics but in every aspect of social change.
Their family only seemed "supportive" after they became successful. It could just be a coincidence, I could just be cynical but it seems odd 🙁
Today I learned that if your family hates you, go on television. Oh and that nana's usually are the first to love you for who you are ... that nana rocks.
oof, not that it excuses any of the way they were treated but the combo of nonbinary and gay IS a lot for non-lgbtq people to understand sometimes. i'm an asexual lesbian, which can confuse the hell out of people. i'm glad their family finally came around!
its so stupid that they couldnt accept them. im glad they are accepted now but wtf? 'we dont need the drama' wtf
I assume it was their choice to reveal this information and I'm sure that's why RainDove waited until they were in a good place before asking the media to reveal these things. Entirely consensual and ultimately their choice. Also please use correct pronouns, it's harmful when you don't. Raindove goes by they/them/theirs so use those accordingly.
Load More Replies...Your shortsightedness reveals your bias. Rain Dove was open and honest. Family has old, fear-based understanding of what "gay", etc. is all about. Shame on you for perpetrating stupidity and ignorance.
Load More Replies..."Yes it took some time. We needed to know you were sure." WTF?!? I'm not going to judge the family here, but this is so maddening! So you treat someone like air just to see if they're serious about being LGBTQ?!? If my two sons come out as gay/bi, I'm going to support them 100% because THAT'S what families do. It makes me so sad reading the above post...
And it had nothing to do with seeing their relative on TV? Unless theres a genuinely supportive message in 2016, my cynicism button is pressed. How their longterm support goes will speak volumes
Load More Replies...I know I'm not supposed to laugh, but typical vegetarian lesbian got me... what's funny though is even if she wanted to say stop being stereotypical, she couldn't because Kelsey is actually a vegetarian
Rain Dove uses they/them I believe, but I’m totally with you in the core. “Hey mom! Don’t assume just because Kelsey is gay, well bi really, that she only eats vegetables!! But she hs in fact a vegetarian, thanks for asking!”
Load More Replies...My cousin was a girl and transed guy. (Did I say that right?) His mom is the best. She goes to pride parades with a "free mom hugs" shirt and has a blast!
Because you asked: You should simply say your cousin is a trans guy. That tells us that your cousin identifies as male (you always use the gender they prefer). And it infers their "birth" gender without your ever saying it - sometimes being referred to as what they aren't any more is very hurtful because they have a painful history there and also they deal with so many people who won't accept that that it just becomes painful. Cheers! :)
Load More Replies...These messages sicken me. When my daughter came out I was thrilled. I can't imagine not being supportive! I have Goosebumps, it's AWFUL to be unsupportive about something like this.
Stop trying to protect people from the truth because they are older or from a different time/era. Although the intentions Im sure were good keep in mind that grandma and grandpa have seen way more s**t than you already. They lived through wars , desegregation , seeing the fall of communism and so much more the fact that junior is gay isnt even a blip on the radar for them when you consider what theyve already experienced.
Gotta give older folks some credit. Years back, some teenage boys at a waterfall tried to shock a group of grey (or white)-haired hikers by mooning them. One oldster gleefully yelled, "We're going to take pictures!" Another yelled, "We're going to put them on the internet!" The two guys got pissed off and gave us the finger. We giggled. Seriously, most folks over 55 have seen bare bums plenty of times. Family coming out? No biggie.
Load More Replies...Sorry my asshole personality, but is it me or family got supportive after TV appearance.? Might be a coincidence
Its so ironic that their family thought the grandma would be hurt but actually she was the first to accept them for who they are.
I love Rain Dove, they are an absolute beacon of positivity that the world needs more of right now. However I believe it's inaccurate to say they are trans, IIRC Rain was born non-binary. Nitpicking aside, that grandma photo warms my heart!
I will be one if the first people to admit I don’t understand what life is like for trans individuals or what they go through or the emotional changes they have. That being said, me needing time to understand and process what someone I love is going through is MY process, it doesn’t affect my love for them nor should it impede their personal growth. I won’t lie, if my baby girl announces one day she identifies as a man, I will have a roller coaster of personal emotions. But I’ll deal with those privately after I get done telling her how much I will always love him. I think the on of the best tools is open exchanges. Respectful conversation involving questions and answers. Maturity and civility. OP did a great job of staying calm and while still being assertive. It can be hard to be patient with other people’s feelings when you are facing so much yourself.
I've read about this person on BP already. I think their patience, their tolerance towards intolerant people and their long lasting dedication to help people opening their eyes and hearts are remarkable. We really need more people like this, not only on LGBT topics but in every aspect of social change.
Their family only seemed "supportive" after they became successful. It could just be a coincidence, I could just be cynical but it seems odd 🙁
Today I learned that if your family hates you, go on television. Oh and that nana's usually are the first to love you for who you are ... that nana rocks.
oof, not that it excuses any of the way they were treated but the combo of nonbinary and gay IS a lot for non-lgbtq people to understand sometimes. i'm an asexual lesbian, which can confuse the hell out of people. i'm glad their family finally came around!
its so stupid that they couldnt accept them. im glad they are accepted now but wtf? 'we dont need the drama' wtf
I assume it was their choice to reveal this information and I'm sure that's why RainDove waited until they were in a good place before asking the media to reveal these things. Entirely consensual and ultimately their choice. Also please use correct pronouns, it's harmful when you don't. Raindove goes by they/them/theirs so use those accordingly.
Load More Replies...Your shortsightedness reveals your bias. Rain Dove was open and honest. Family has old, fear-based understanding of what "gay", etc. is all about. Shame on you for perpetrating stupidity and ignorance.
Load More Replies...
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