Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
then open in external browser
and click "Open in External Browser" 
109
Parents Left Fuming When Child Stops Their Unannounced Visits By Moving To A Gated Community
A few months ago, we told a story about how a homeowner, while on vacation, received an alarm that their own mom and her friend were trying to break into their home – and did not take any action, leaving the mother to deal with the arriving police personally.
That story once again shows us how important personal boundaries are in the modern world – and how the understanding of this term itself differs among representatives of different generations. And here’s another tale for you, from the user u/Wide-Dragonfly4555, who also received a whole stream of accusations of mistreatment and God only knows what else from their own parents…
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
The author of the post has a problem with their parents not respecting any kind of personal boundaries
Image credits: Travis Saylor (not the actual photo)
It all started when the author moved out after graduating from college – and their parents wanted the keys to their new apartment
Image credits: Wide-Dragonfly4555
However, the parents kept overusing these keys, showing up uninvited numerous times
Image credits: IKRAM shaari (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Wide-Dragonfly4555
So when the author bought their own house in a gated community, they just didn’t put parents on the approved visitors list – and took heat for doing so
So, the Original Poster (OP) moved out from their parents’ as soon as they graduated from college. At first they rented an apartment, and their parents asked for a duplicate key – just in case. The author gave them these keys – which they later greatly regretted.
The thing is that the parents used the keys several times in non-emergency situations to enter the apartment in the tenant’s absence – even despite the OP repeatedly stating that this was not acceptable behavior. The last straw was when they dropped off the author’s little brother – simply because they had other family in town and needed the space.
After this incident, the OP took the keys from their parents – but literally a couple of days later, they found out that the parents had made duplicates. Without letting anyone know, of course. When the parents found out that the author had changed the locks (which means that they were once again trying to break into the apartment behind their back), they went absolutely dramatic, accusing the child of not trusting them and so on.
Well, the original poster solved this issue very simply. It so happened that they were making decent money at work – and finally, they became the owner of a wonderful house in a nice gated community. With a 24-hour security system and an officer at the front gate.
The author is dating their boyfriend, who has the keys to the house – but everyone else is not included in the approved visitors list, and neither are their parents. So now they will under no circumstances be able to show up uninvited. Even the mom to ‘just drop off some groceries’ or ‘do some cleaning.’ Even the dad – to ‘do maintenance.’
Needless to say, the parents were even more offended by this decision, and since then they haven’t stopped trying to persuade the original poster to at least add them to the list of approved visitors. But the OP reminds them every time that they proved themselves untrustworthy when they had the keys to their apartment, and is adamant even when hearing that they’re treating their parents poorly.
Image credits: George Becker (not the actual photo)
“It seems to me that this is like a classic question about personal boundaries in the relationship between parents and children. And the older generation doesn’t understand the importance of these boundaries,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment over this case. “It often happens that parents themselves were brought up in a completely different atmosphere – and therefore consider personal boundaries to be something of an empty whim or so.”
According to the expert, demanding the keys to an adult child’s apartment simply in order to overuse this option is totally unacceptable. As well as actually trying to manipulate their opinion in numerous ways in order to still achieve what the parents want. However, it’s important to try to correctly explain the cause of the conflict to parents in order to avoid similar situations in the future, and at the same time maintain a good relationship.
“I think it makes sense to have a serious conversation with the parents, to explain why they are wrong, and why setting personal boundaries is in no way an insult to them. That help in the form of cleaning or maintenance is valuable not when they want it, but when asked for it. Perhaps this conversation should work,” Irina ponders sincerely.
People in the comments to the original post are also confident that the author did everything absolutely correctly, and that there’s no kind of disrespect toward the parents here. “All they have to do is get your permission. They are sore that they have to do that. They don’t want to respect your autonomy. Stick to your boundaries!” one of the commenters wrote.
Some of the commenters also give their own advice on what is best to say to parents in order to convey their own point of view, but without offending them. “I know you’re not thieves but I also know you’ll show up unannounced and dump bro here whenever without asking also, so sorry not sorry” – this is one such example of advice in the comments. So what would you recommend saying in the situation described by the author? Please feel free to share your ideas in the comments below.
Folks in the comments, however, sided with the author, stating that they’re just standing up for their own personal boundaries – and that’s damn right, in fact
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
Poll Question
Total votes ·
Thanks! Check out the results:
Total votes ·
Newsletter
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
What do you think ?
Annik Perrot 1 year ago
We have keys to all of our kids' houses, for safety and practical reasons, as they have ours, but we'd never dream of going there unless they ask us to.
Trillian 1 year ago
Lol and I especially wouldn't drop in my son's apartment to do some cleaning
Load More Replies...
Tabitha 1 year ago
Parents: Your grown child's home is not an extension of yours. Neither is it a free storage locker for your excess stuff, or day care for your grown child's younger siblings. It. Is. THEIR. Home. NOT. Yours. THEY are the ones who get to make the rules in THEIR home, not you. Let go of your former authority over their lives, and learn to respect that they're in charge of their own lives---and homes---now.
JayWantsACat 1 year ago
Them getting defensive and arguing instead of listening just proves OP's point. lmao.
Michelle C 1 year ago
This is why I live 2 hours away...when I was renting my mothers house my aunt would just let herself in at un-godly hours and I kept telling her to knock it off but she wouldn't. Then she started letting herself in at 7am on the weekends and what made it worse is that she knows the alarm is on and she would set it off. I have anxiety and the feeling I would have after being jarred out of a dead sleep because the house alarm is set off and my immediate thought is someone is breaking in and my childs safety and when I run out it's just her standing in the livingroom asking what's for breakfast. She did this twice more and I had it. I called Xfinity and had them upgrade the security, put in new locks, and cameras. Following weekend she tried to come in again and her key didn't work. She rang the doorbell and I told her through the camera that she needs to leave cause me and my kid are resting. She called my mom who in turn called me and mind you I complained to my mother multiple
Michelle C 1 year ago (edited)
times about her and asked her to tell her to cut it out and I told my mom she's not coming in. Then a few days later my mom asked if I was going to give her a key for emergencies and I said no, it's a remote lock if my kid forgets her key I can let her in with my phone while at work. I also had my uncle that used to come in any borrow my appliances without asking, with the new locks all that tom foolery stopped. Nobody got a key until my mom retired and was ready to move back and I found a place 2 hours away in a gated community.
Load More Replies...
Gavin Johnson 1 year ago
My flat is my space and I ONLY share it freely with one person and that’s my daughter, she comes and goes as she pleases. There are a few people with keys and they all understand that if they let themselves in I’d be asking serious questions. I have given them keys in case of an emergency, either at their end or mine, if it ain’t an emergency then they ain’t allowed in unannounced.
Sfcpres 1 year ago
And when your daughter has her own place someday and tells you I will see you when I WANT not when you think it is OK that won't be hurtful to you?
Load More Replies...
Guess Undheit 1 year ago
I had violent ash sole "parents" that viewed locking the bathroom door as an insult, and would attack if I or the siblings did. But they could lock it. Invasion and violation is the goal of narcissists and abusers, to keep the victim worried and afraid constantly.
WonderWoman 1 year ago
It's sad that OP had to move to a gated community with HOA fees in order for the parents to respect boundaries. They did this to themselves.
tjh1855 1 year ago
My parents had a key and major boundary issues, but never let themselves into my house. They're gone now, but they were weird ones. They would drop by unannounced and stay for just 15 minutes. Maybe to drop off some garage sale find for me or something like that. Which is a nice thought, but they wouldn't stay for a meal or to chat. We did normally get together for a meal and an afternoon of games most weekends either at my house or theirs, so I am still not sure what was up with the hit and run visits. They lived about 45 minutes away.
Ryan-James O'Driscoll 1 year ago
My parents have a key to my home in case they need it. It's not for emergencies, because I never had to tell them it was for emergencies. They tacitly respect my privacy and my boundaries. My mother is a worrier and stresses out if she can't get hold of me. She has turned up before when I had left my phone somewhere so could not respond. And yet she has never entered my home without invitation or turned up unannounced and expected to be let in. Crucially, she doesn't want me to do that to her either.
Annik Perrot 1 year ago
We have keys to all of our kids' houses, for safety and practical reasons, as they have ours, but we'd never dream of going there unless they ask us to.
Trillian 1 year ago
Lol and I especially wouldn't drop in my son's apartment to do some cleaning
Load More Replies... Tabitha 1 year ago
Parents: Your grown child's home is not an extension of yours. Neither is it a free storage locker for your excess stuff, or day care for your grown child's younger siblings. It. Is. THEIR. Home. NOT. Yours. THEY are the ones who get to make the rules in THEIR home, not you. Let go of your former authority over their lives, and learn to respect that they're in charge of their own lives---and homes---now.
JayWantsACat 1 year ago
Them getting defensive and arguing instead of listening just proves OP's point. lmao.
Michelle C 1 year ago
This is why I live 2 hours away...when I was renting my mothers house my aunt would just let herself in at un-godly hours and I kept telling her to knock it off but she wouldn't. Then she started letting herself in at 7am on the weekends and what made it worse is that she knows the alarm is on and she would set it off. I have anxiety and the feeling I would have after being jarred out of a dead sleep because the house alarm is set off and my immediate thought is someone is breaking in and my childs safety and when I run out it's just her standing in the livingroom asking what's for breakfast. She did this twice more and I had it. I called Xfinity and had them upgrade the security, put in new locks, and cameras. Following weekend she tried to come in again and her key didn't work. She rang the doorbell and I told her through the camera that she needs to leave cause me and my kid are resting. She called my mom who in turn called me and mind you I complained to my mother multiple
Michelle C 1 year ago (edited)
times about her and asked her to tell her to cut it out and I told my mom she's not coming in. Then a few days later my mom asked if I was going to give her a key for emergencies and I said no, it's a remote lock if my kid forgets her key I can let her in with my phone while at work. I also had my uncle that used to come in any borrow my appliances without asking, with the new locks all that tom foolery stopped. Nobody got a key until my mom retired and was ready to move back and I found a place 2 hours away in a gated community.
Load More Replies... Gavin Johnson 1 year ago
My flat is my space and I ONLY share it freely with one person and that’s my daughter, she comes and goes as she pleases. There are a few people with keys and they all understand that if they let themselves in I’d be asking serious questions. I have given them keys in case of an emergency, either at their end or mine, if it ain’t an emergency then they ain’t allowed in unannounced.
Sfcpres 1 year ago
And when your daughter has her own place someday and tells you I will see you when I WANT not when you think it is OK that won't be hurtful to you?
Load More Replies... Guess Undheit 1 year ago
I had violent ash sole "parents" that viewed locking the bathroom door as an insult, and would attack if I or the siblings did. But they could lock it. Invasion and violation is the goal of narcissists and abusers, to keep the victim worried and afraid constantly.
WonderWoman 1 year ago
It's sad that OP had to move to a gated community with HOA fees in order for the parents to respect boundaries. They did this to themselves.
tjh1855 1 year ago
My parents had a key and major boundary issues, but never let themselves into my house. They're gone now, but they were weird ones. They would drop by unannounced and stay for just 15 minutes. Maybe to drop off some garage sale find for me or something like that. Which is a nice thought, but they wouldn't stay for a meal or to chat. We did normally get together for a meal and an afternoon of games most weekends either at my house or theirs, so I am still not sure what was up with the hit and run visits. They lived about 45 minutes away.
Ryan-James O'Driscoll 1 year ago
My parents have a key to my home in case they need it. It's not for emergencies, because I never had to tell them it was for emergencies. They tacitly respect my privacy and my boundaries. My mother is a worrier and stresses out if she can't get hold of me. She has turned up before when I had left my phone somewhere so could not respond. And yet she has never entered my home without invitation or turned up unannounced and expected to be let in. Crucially, she doesn't want me to do that to her either.
Related on Bored Panda
62
47