Exhausted Husband Working 84-Hour Weeks Considers Divorce After Wife Won’t Go Back To Work
Burnout and overwork are massive problems that many employees deal with. And it’s a prevalent issue that affects not only people’s health and private lives but also their career ambitions. However, it’s incredibly rare to hear about someone who has been pulling 84-hour work weeks for the last 5 years.
This, however, isn’t a fairytale or an over-exaggeration. It’s reality for one exhausted redditor who has spent the last half-decade being the sole breadwinner. At the end of his tether, he asked his wife to go back to work. This turned into an argument that the OP called “a wake-up call.” You’ll find the full story, as well as how the AITA community came out in support of the man, below. Bored Panda has reached out to the author of the post via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from him.
Couples need to be on the same page when it comes to finances, expenses, and savings. Otherwise, it can lead to tension and friction
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
A completely exhausted man, who pulls 84-hour weeks, turned to the internet for advice after opening up about the fight he had with his wife, who doesn’t work
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual photo)
The husband took some advice to heart and decided to start with a two-week vacation
Image credits: Many_Bunch_6678
The man was working around 2.5 times the weekly average in the US
To give some context, according to Statista, the average American employee worked 34.3 hours per week in July 2023. That means that the author of the viral Reddit post was working nearly 2.5 times more than the average person.
Meanwhile, the average American worked 34.5 hours per week in 2022. Though this average does vary depending on the industry. For instance, someone in the mining and logging industry would pull around 45.5 hours per week in April 2023.
That’s enough to make many employees burn out. According to a recent survey by Deloitte, 77% of workers have experienced burnout at their current jobs. And half have experienced it more than once.
Burnout, according to psychologist Christina Maslach, from the University of California, Berkeley, has three main components. The first is physical and emotional exhaustion, followed by cynicism, and inefficacy. The latter means that employees blame themselves for not being able to handle the stress and perform well.
Exhausted, burned-out employees are bound to feel irritable, and frustrated, and may feel like it’s difficult to enforce any healthy boundaries. They’re also likely to feel discouraged when thinking about the future. Healing from this means embracing quality rest. It can start by taking a long holiday and then having a heart-to-heart conversation with your boss about cutting back on your hours and workload.
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
Burnout and exhaustion can have deeply negative effects on people’s lives
There are two main issues at play here. The first one is that the author of the post has been run ragged for years, pulling insane shifts just to provide for his family. This sort of exhaustion isn’t something that’s going to automatically solve itself in a couple of weeks. It may take massive lifestyle shifts over many months to move towards any semblance of a healthy work-life balance.
If the OP isn’t getting enough sleep, isn’t eating well, has no time to enjoy life, and hasn’t the energy to take care of his physical or mental well-being, sooner or later, he may end up in the hospital. And there would be nobody left to take care of his family then. Clearly, the Reddit user is incredibly tough and dedicated to his loved ones—two great values to have in life. However, nobody should be forced to sacrifice themselves like this.
The second issue is one of support. Or rather, the lack of it. The OP shared on Reddit how he was essentially stuck. On the one hand, his wife (enabled by her therapist) was unwilling to return to work to help out with the financial situation. It also appeared as though she didn’t support her husband much by helping out with the chores or the cooking.
On the other hand, she seemed reluctant to change their lifestyle and live more modestly, in order to save money. Either one of these choices would mean that the post author would be able to cut back on how much he works. Choosing both would effectively solve the issue and give him back his freedom.
Image credits: Myr Za (not the actual photo)
Finding the right therapist who will help you heal is essential. This can take a while
Nobody’s dismissing how serious an issue depression is. However, a good therapist is someone who helps their patients heal and grow, instead of keeping them in stasis for years. As the OP pointed out, there’s a massive difference between the therapist he saw together with his wife and the one she sees by herself.
As we’ve covered on Bored Panda before, it’s absolutely essential that you find a therapist whom you click with. It might take some time, but finding a professional who understands you, is the right fit for you, and makes you feel like you can trust them, is worth it.
One of the most essential things that therapists do is normalize their patients’ experiences by painting a broader picture. They’ll actively listen to their patients and make them feel heard and that their points of view are valid.
Trustworthy therapists will always be punctual and keep the focus on their patients, instead of themselves or their phones. However, a certain amount of discomfort is to be expected. Therapists aren’t like your friends: they will not tell you things just to make you feel like you’re always in the wrong. Their goal is to provide different perspectives in order to solve the issues at hand.
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual photo)
The guy revealed that his sleep has been suffering for the past half-decade
The internet came out in support of the man and shared some practical advice on what to do next
This as appalling. As someone with serious long-term mental illness who's had a load of different therapy, her therapist is useless. Therapy - particularly in a breakdown situation like this - is most useful when you have clearly defined goals (in this case, returning to some form of paid employment). How the therapist goes about helping the client to that place depends on the sort of therapy they use (CBT, DBT etc) but the point is that there's a direction you move towards. And I've ALWAYS been encouraged to do what I can for myself in terms of personal hygiene (which slips when my mood drops), housework, cooking etc. Even if it's only been a small amount, to do *what I can*. The therapist is completely enabling the wife's wallowing in a situation that's comfortable for her and that keeps the therapy fees coming in.
Great point - I hadn't thought about the therapist using the wife's burnout as a meal ticket.
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"I have a couples therapy session with my wife and her therapist" NO NO NO NO! I question the ethics of any therapist willing to do this. You do NOT give couples therapy to a couple where one half is already your client. You bring in the spouse from time to time sure, but you are not their primary couples therapist because you have to be in your client's corner. That's not fair to the partner.
I think it's what he meant, being brought in for a session together, as part of her therapy. He also stated they have a separate marriage counselor whose advice is different from her therapists.
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Healing one person can not go at cost of the other in any given relationship and I wonder in her 'therapist' is a crook trying to prolong her therapy as long as possible to milk her for easy income, because that's not what a professional therapist would ever recommend! This is NOT how therapy works! Taking away all responsibility is a short term thing, say, a few months maybe, after that, restoring a sustainable participation in life is the first goal, at least a full participation in private life should have happened within a year. A therapist will push you, no real therapist will have you lean back and do nothing for 5! Years! That's utterly ridiculous and the exact opposite of therapy! That guy has a freeloader on his hand, most likely due to the quack she's going to dragging along the therapy by telling her what she wants to hear making no progression in those 5 years. Maybe OP getting divorced is the push that his gf needs to find a real therapist
The part where the therapist recommended that OP stop trying trying to pay off debts & hold off in contributing to retirement is a HUGE red flag to me.
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From experience I have 2 things to add here: 1- not all therapists are good or think about the spouse's needs, 2- every teacher gets mental breakdowns, often in the first 3-5 years, we just have to find ways to handle them!
I really hope his wake up call will be a wake up call for her to try and make some changes, and they can figure it out together. As a former therapist, this therapist is the major AH in this situation.
She doesn’t need a wake up call. She’s got it made. This was a much-needed wake up call for the OP.
Load More Replies... I'm on treatment for depression for past 5 years. And , the worst breakdown at the beginning was when I ended up taking leave from work for 1 month. My workplace was extremely toxic , and family was toxic too, except my husband. I was bedridden, not eating food or doing my daily routines even. But with rest for 1 month , and proper medicines I bounced back. Im still working, at a better place, but get occasional breakdowns. These sort of people make it difficult for people like me. I've heard and still hear lot of family members talking about me as lazy. These sort of people just make them more sure ..
I hope you're able to reduce contact with those judgmental a-holes. There's no shame in having and handling a health issue. My therapy didn't prevent depression from recurring, but it certainly helped me with thinking. I'm also on medication, which reduces and shortens the episodes. In my particular case, I don't think of depression as curable, but as manageable. Thinking that way has been helpful - I tell myself, "Been there, done that, got through it and will do so again." Compassion from others has been a big plus (which really helps when dealing with the odd a-hole).
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If she can't work, maybe she should go on disability. If she legitimately can't work because of her mental health, she should be able to file for disability. It won't be as much as she was making, but it would help the husband. Allow him to cut back on work hours.
It’s really hard to get approved for. I am nearly deaf in one ear and have a page long list of diagnoses and got denied. You usually have to get a lawyer and fight it for years before getting approved. Which, would help, eventually. But it’s not a lot of money per month plus it doesn’t help her drowning husband now. Would be like him literally drowning in a pool and her saying “oh, I’ll be back in five years with something to pull you out of there”
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Unique perspective here: working a ton of hours can work, you just need the full support of your spouse. I'm currently pulling 75-hour work weeks. I've been doing anywhere from 65-75 for over a year now and plan to continue that for at least the next 2.5-3 years. My wife also works part time, but she's getting her masters and this is the only way we can pay for everything. We have 2 teenagers and spend a lot of time taking them to their activities as well. The ONLY way I can possibly work as much as I do while still thriving is having a very supportive wife. She takes care of a LOT of stuff with our house and the kids. She had to do two jobs for a year just before we flipped it, and I think both of us being able to understand both perspectives is really helpful. Anytime one of us feels alone, we remember that the other truly understands and is here for us. I'm looking forward to just one job eventually, but in the meantime I'm hustling and enjoying it still because my wife is awesome.
Keeping a therapist who tells you what you want to hear and using that to an advantage to sit on one's butt an complain that life is hard isn't what anyone wants in a partner. She's gotten used to using her breakdown to her advantage instead of trying to face her demons and get back on the horse. So good. Get out while you can. Break out of the 80+ work week. That totally is not healthy and to come home only to find take out or premade food that your budget could allow for her to grocery shop and learn to make something homemade or to start a home business to make a little income? No help. You are not her parent. She needs to grow up. I would have asked her family if she ever contributed to anything instead of taking. Actually I have a neice that just constantly takes online classes but has never used her teaching skills she's learn in a job. At mid 30s she hasn't had a real job. Just popped out a kid after finding a guy to marry an mooch off. I feel for you.
I would LOVE to be able to have a job, but I am working on getting mental health help. I also have major physical issues. But I at LEAST cook and bake very well, and also do dishes, and other things that make my working husband's life at home easier.
I’d love to get an update here, because I can almost guarantee the wife absolutely flipped her lid after hearing that her cash cow has had enough. She’s going to have to get a job now
That therapist for some reason reminded me of the supposed medium that told Sarah Winchester that she shouldn't stop building her house. I'm no therapist but encouriging the OP's wife to do nothing is does not sound healthy. OP should get his own therapist and have a meeting with the wife and her therapist. The OP is def. not the AH.
I WISH I could spend 5 years recovering from a burnout too! Goodness knows after close to 10 years working for a company that seems to care more about my performance rather than my well-being, I need it. But I know I have responsibilities and bills to pay and also I'd likely be bored doing nothing for 5 years. Seems like OP's poor excuse of a wife is just looking for excuses and her c**p-trap therapist is nothing more than a d*mn enabler. I hope OP drops her from his life and enjoys Baldur's Gate 3 with his friends (I'm aiming to get the game myself).
I agree.. coming from burn-out/depression I still take meds and have other medical issues (chronic fatigue due to stress), it's hard to keep a household and a (part-time) job going, but my hb can not do this alone. I can manage and I think she needs better help than that worthless therapist
Load More Replies... Red flags all over that therapist. Wife isn't going to change. Even if she does, it's for selfish reasons, ie. she's suddenly looking at a massive disruption to her current easy lifestyle. Divorce immediately, and good luck on your new life!
I had a serious breakdown about 10 years ago and was off work for nearly a year but I still found ways to add value to to my marriage while I recovered. I did all the shopping, meal planning and cooking, washing, hoovering, etc. while my wife worked for us both. Gradually I’ve made my way back into paid employment since we’re a partnership - something the OP’s partner seems to have forgotten. Resigning yourself to victimhood is the kiss of death to positive action.
I sympathize with this guy. If he thinks there's going to be some eventual "sharing" of the workload from that which is life and marriage he's not going to get it. How do I know? Because my wife is bi-polar and his story almost parallels mine, except that she has phases where she thinks there's nothing wrong with her and stops taking her meds. We've been together for 30 years and I can tell you there is no end to it. It's for life.
I highly doubt that the *therapist* is saying ANY of that. If this person is so fragile, they should be in a hospital getting around the clock care. The OP is being manipulated and taken advantage of. Best outcome D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
Truly wishing him all the best. He exploded after five hard years. He‘s still so young - not even 30. I hope he can regain his strength, health and happiness. This was the right wake up call for him as the situation would not leas anywhere. The therapist is the manipulating one and the wife is completely under her wrath. There is no way one person (he) needs to suffer that much, so another person can heal (which obviously is not the goal). I hope the wife can move on and get her life back up again as well.
The fact that she's not willing to compromise at all, work part time, or downsize to an apartment, cook, or anything is a giant red flag. If she were willing to meet him halfway they could make progress together but if she's unwilling to budge at all then it becomes a deal breaker, I wouldn't blame him for getting a divorce at all.
I think the appropriate answers would be " As your Therapist and you came to the conclusion, that I'm not good for you and an obstacle for your recovery, it will be the best, if we go separate ways, so you can recover and get well soon."
Do some research on this therapist. She's milking your wife, not treating her. Like, is she even licensed? Or is this just a friend of hers she's pretending is her therapist?
If the wife has been seeing this therapist for the last 5 years and isn't even ready to think about going back to work, I'd suggest the therapist is incompetent. I had a break down after the age of 20, I was unable to work for long due to my mental health issues. I was going to therapy and taking medication and I would get a job for as long as my mental health allowed, brought some money in, then I'd either get fired or leave as my MH would deteriorate. After getting some group therapy and CBT I was able to be well enough to work and I was lucky enough to find a job I was able to stick with. I had no one to lean on. I was on my own. Even when I was out of work, I was constantly looking for work I thought I could do without too much of a toll on my mental health.
There is something wrong with a therapist that just enables this behavior. If her mental breakdown issues are so severe she is INCAPABLE of working, then you file for some type of disability. Being Unwilling to work is different. If one partner is truly unable to work, then you seriously cut back on expenses to match the one income. That doesn’t mean don’t pay off debt or disregard retirement. It means cutting take out/premade food, games, maybe even ineffective therapy. As off the wall as it sounds, maybe there is something going on with the therapist. Seems too invested in you remaining a sugar daddy destined for an early grave. If you have life insurance, carefully consider the beneficiary
She’s defining herself by her illness and shows no intention to change. All she seems to be doing is superficial. He also sadly et it go for too long. If she doesn’t start to seriously make some visible effort to improve I don’t see how they will last as a couple. And if he leaves she will forever be a victim in her own eyes. Sad sad sad situation
I am sure the therapist was willing to forgo their fees, for the sake of their patient's mental health...right?
If she's in the US and truly unable to recover from her mental health issues, she can get SSD too. Like she's just not willing to do anything. Sounds like a spoiled child.
The wife needs a better therapist if after 5 years she’s still a mental basket case Sounds like the “therapist” figured a sick patient is a good patient for business. And the wife sees a free ticket to do nothing but use her mental Illness as a crutch and her therapist as her enabler. Only solution is get TF out of that sick marriage
Sounds like wife needs a new therapist. One that will actually push her to work past her s**t, not coddle her and tell her her husband is being manipulative etc for needing help and being exhausted. Screw that. My fiancé works 40 hours a week and I have been off work since 2022 when I went back to nursing school and couldn’t handle both. We decided it’d be most sensible for me to take a year off and become an LPN. When that didn’t pan out as I had hoped and dreamed of for my entire life (I’m burnt out after 12 years in the medical field already and just couldn’t make myself put the amount of effort needed into it.) I immediately started thinking about what I REALLY would like to do, and a month later I started working on building my own retail/resale business and enrolled in classes for a computer science degree. I love it. A huge reason I stopped working was due to my bipolar and I’ve been taking every step possible in order to find some sort of relief, including surgery.
This is so not okay. I would never ever expect my fiancé to work 2xs as much so I could sit at home all day and do nothing. I go to school, take care of kids, do yard work, and everything else I can to make his life easier when he’s home ESPECIALLY because I’m not working. I’ve been looking for a part time job because even though I give all my student loan money excess to him for bills (which keeps our rent paid up a few months) I know he still struggles with anxiety about bills. I resell to make extra income and almost have my business site up and running. I couldn’t imagine him coming to me and saying he really is almost to his breaking point and then acting like this. I’d absolutely hate it, but I could go get a job in my old field tomorrow. If I needed to. And I’d do it if I had to. My preference is to be home especially with two kids and a baby on the way and the cost of child care, but I’d do it in a heartbeat if it relieved some of his stress. Not “my therapist says..” 🤦🏼♀️
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No progress in five years of therapy? It sounds as though the therapist is enabling the wife's problems. Divorce may not be the perfect solution because the wife can say she's permanently disabled by her mental health. OP will probably have to pay spousal support for many years post divorce.
This sounds to me like your wife and her therapist are having an affair. Emotional maybe, but still. Therapist is as crazy as she is.
Also if she's been in therapy for five years due to a mental disability causing her to be unable to work, what about getting on disability payments from the government?
Sounds like she has a horrible therapist, who would recommend that someone with a compromised mental state to not do anything. Not to mention 5 years of working with the therapist and her still not having the techniques and coping skills needed to attempt to work or build new skills. Finally, the lack of concern for destroying the mental health of the husband who is burnt out and feels unsupported. Mental illness is not someone's fault but it does not exempt you from responsibilities to attempt to adapt and function, or allow you to burden someone else for years without respect for the effect it has on your support system. I have had crippling mental health issues but the biggest motivator for me was to not harm those who were attempting to help me. Sometimes you are just not capable, but you don't stop trying.
separate your finances from hers and get ready for a divorce, this is not going to end well for you
I'm not sure where OP is located, but are disability benefits available to help ease the financial burden? Oh, and fire that manipulative, incompetent therapist. Good luck to you.
I get mental illness and burnout is are real serious issues (I have experienced both) but it doesn't sound like her therapist is helping her improve much if at all. She expects her husband to not only continue to work 18 hours a day but can't be bothered to cook or help around the house? Both my husband and I work. He works a lot of overtime just so we can have savings and money to spend on vacations, our homes, or ourselves. He leaves at 5:30am every morning and three times a week comes home until about 8 or 9pm, sometimes as late as 11pm. On the weekend he works on or helps out with whatever needs to be done in our home, mowing the lawn, cleaning, cooking etc. but most of that usually falls on me because I have more time and am able to. A relationship is a partnership and sometimes one person needs more support than the other, but 5 years is a long time to continue to get nowhere. Sounds like wife does not want to get better.
Unfortunately therapists are not regulated well everywhere. This is one that may realize that the longer one takes to heal, the more sessions they pay for
That puts my therapist in sharp contrast (saw him for nearly a year, then on and off as needed). Sessions are expensive, but I get what I pay for, and he works fast. So that ends up being cheaper than someone who prolongs things for the money. He also gets to help more people. :)
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There's a reason she doesn't want to change. There's too much cultural pressure to change for normal people. Either she's having an affair, is on drugs, or something else is going on. Maybe with the therapist. Idk. Something is really fishy here. Maybe she is just milking this but, to me, it feels like something else is blinding her to how obviously wrong this is and in my experience that's an addiction or hidden commitment.
Teaching in the public schools today is very tough. The kids can be unruly, and the administration may tie your hands dealing with them. I think the wife needs a new career.
This as appalling. As someone with serious long-term mental illness who's had a load of different therapy, her therapist is useless. Therapy - particularly in a breakdown situation like this - is most useful when you have clearly defined goals (in this case, returning to some form of paid employment). How the therapist goes about helping the client to that place depends on the sort of therapy they use (CBT, DBT etc) but the point is that there's a direction you move towards. And I've ALWAYS been encouraged to do what I can for myself in terms of personal hygiene (which slips when my mood drops), housework, cooking etc. Even if it's only been a small amount, to do *what I can*. The therapist is completely enabling the wife's wallowing in a situation that's comfortable for her and that keeps the therapy fees coming in.
Great point - I hadn't thought about the therapist using the wife's burnout as a meal ticket.
Load More Replies... "I have a couples therapy session with my wife and her therapist" NO NO NO NO! I question the ethics of any therapist willing to do this. You do NOT give couples therapy to a couple where one half is already your client. You bring in the spouse from time to time sure, but you are not their primary couples therapist because you have to be in your client's corner. That's not fair to the partner.
I think it's what he meant, being brought in for a session together, as part of her therapy. He also stated they have a separate marriage counselor whose advice is different from her therapists.
Load More Replies... Healing one person can not go at cost of the other in any given relationship and I wonder in her 'therapist' is a crook trying to prolong her therapy as long as possible to milk her for easy income, because that's not what a professional therapist would ever recommend! This is NOT how therapy works! Taking away all responsibility is a short term thing, say, a few months maybe, after that, restoring a sustainable participation in life is the first goal, at least a full participation in private life should have happened within a year. A therapist will push you, no real therapist will have you lean back and do nothing for 5! Years! That's utterly ridiculous and the exact opposite of therapy! That guy has a freeloader on his hand, most likely due to the quack she's going to dragging along the therapy by telling her what she wants to hear making no progression in those 5 years. Maybe OP getting divorced is the push that his gf needs to find a real therapist
The part where the therapist recommended that OP stop trying trying to pay off debts & hold off in contributing to retirement is a HUGE red flag to me.
Load More Replies... From experience I have 2 things to add here: 1- not all therapists are good or think about the spouse's needs, 2- every teacher gets mental breakdowns, often in the first 3-5 years, we just have to find ways to handle them!
I really hope his wake up call will be a wake up call for her to try and make some changes, and they can figure it out together. As a former therapist, this therapist is the major AH in this situation.
She doesn’t need a wake up call. She’s got it made. This was a much-needed wake up call for the OP.
Load More Replies... I'm on treatment for depression for past 5 years. And , the worst breakdown at the beginning was when I ended up taking leave from work for 1 month. My workplace was extremely toxic , and family was toxic too, except my husband. I was bedridden, not eating food or doing my daily routines even. But with rest for 1 month , and proper medicines I bounced back. Im still working, at a better place, but get occasional breakdowns. These sort of people make it difficult for people like me. I've heard and still hear lot of family members talking about me as lazy. These sort of people just make them more sure ..
I hope you're able to reduce contact with those judgmental a-holes. There's no shame in having and handling a health issue. My therapy didn't prevent depression from recurring, but it certainly helped me with thinking. I'm also on medication, which reduces and shortens the episodes. In my particular case, I don't think of depression as curable, but as manageable. Thinking that way has been helpful - I tell myself, "Been there, done that, got through it and will do so again." Compassion from others has been a big plus (which really helps when dealing with the odd a-hole).
Load More Replies... If she can't work, maybe she should go on disability. If she legitimately can't work because of her mental health, she should be able to file for disability. It won't be as much as she was making, but it would help the husband. Allow him to cut back on work hours.
It’s really hard to get approved for. I am nearly deaf in one ear and have a page long list of diagnoses and got denied. You usually have to get a lawyer and fight it for years before getting approved. Which, would help, eventually. But it’s not a lot of money per month plus it doesn’t help her drowning husband now. Would be like him literally drowning in a pool and her saying “oh, I’ll be back in five years with something to pull you out of there”
Load More Replies... Unique perspective here: working a ton of hours can work, you just need the full support of your spouse. I'm currently pulling 75-hour work weeks. I've been doing anywhere from 65-75 for over a year now and plan to continue that for at least the next 2.5-3 years. My wife also works part time, but she's getting her masters and this is the only way we can pay for everything. We have 2 teenagers and spend a lot of time taking them to their activities as well. The ONLY way I can possibly work as much as I do while still thriving is having a very supportive wife. She takes care of a LOT of stuff with our house and the kids. She had to do two jobs for a year just before we flipped it, and I think both of us being able to understand both perspectives is really helpful. Anytime one of us feels alone, we remember that the other truly understands and is here for us. I'm looking forward to just one job eventually, but in the meantime I'm hustling and enjoying it still because my wife is awesome.
Keeping a therapist who tells you what you want to hear and using that to an advantage to sit on one's butt an complain that life is hard isn't what anyone wants in a partner. She's gotten used to using her breakdown to her advantage instead of trying to face her demons and get back on the horse. So good. Get out while you can. Break out of the 80+ work week. That totally is not healthy and to come home only to find take out or premade food that your budget could allow for her to grocery shop and learn to make something homemade or to start a home business to make a little income? No help. You are not her parent. She needs to grow up. I would have asked her family if she ever contributed to anything instead of taking. Actually I have a neice that just constantly takes online classes but has never used her teaching skills she's learn in a job. At mid 30s she hasn't had a real job. Just popped out a kid after finding a guy to marry an mooch off. I feel for you.
I would LOVE to be able to have a job, but I am working on getting mental health help. I also have major physical issues. But I at LEAST cook and bake very well, and also do dishes, and other things that make my working husband's life at home easier.
I’d love to get an update here, because I can almost guarantee the wife absolutely flipped her lid after hearing that her cash cow has had enough. She’s going to have to get a job now
That therapist for some reason reminded me of the supposed medium that told Sarah Winchester that she shouldn't stop building her house. I'm no therapist but encouriging the OP's wife to do nothing is does not sound healthy. OP should get his own therapist and have a meeting with the wife and her therapist. The OP is def. not the AH.
I WISH I could spend 5 years recovering from a burnout too! Goodness knows after close to 10 years working for a company that seems to care more about my performance rather than my well-being, I need it. But I know I have responsibilities and bills to pay and also I'd likely be bored doing nothing for 5 years. Seems like OP's poor excuse of a wife is just looking for excuses and her c**p-trap therapist is nothing more than a d*mn enabler. I hope OP drops her from his life and enjoys Baldur's Gate 3 with his friends (I'm aiming to get the game myself).
I agree.. coming from burn-out/depression I still take meds and have other medical issues (chronic fatigue due to stress), it's hard to keep a household and a (part-time) job going, but my hb can not do this alone. I can manage and I think she needs better help than that worthless therapist
Load More Replies... Red flags all over that therapist. Wife isn't going to change. Even if she does, it's for selfish reasons, ie. she's suddenly looking at a massive disruption to her current easy lifestyle. Divorce immediately, and good luck on your new life!
I had a serious breakdown about 10 years ago and was off work for nearly a year but I still found ways to add value to to my marriage while I recovered. I did all the shopping, meal planning and cooking, washing, hoovering, etc. while my wife worked for us both. Gradually I’ve made my way back into paid employment since we’re a partnership - something the OP’s partner seems to have forgotten. Resigning yourself to victimhood is the kiss of death to positive action.
I sympathize with this guy. If he thinks there's going to be some eventual "sharing" of the workload from that which is life and marriage he's not going to get it. How do I know? Because my wife is bi-polar and his story almost parallels mine, except that she has phases where she thinks there's nothing wrong with her and stops taking her meds. We've been together for 30 years and I can tell you there is no end to it. It's for life.
I highly doubt that the *therapist* is saying ANY of that. If this person is so fragile, they should be in a hospital getting around the clock care. The OP is being manipulated and taken advantage of. Best outcome D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
Truly wishing him all the best. He exploded after five hard years. He‘s still so young - not even 30. I hope he can regain his strength, health and happiness. This was the right wake up call for him as the situation would not leas anywhere. The therapist is the manipulating one and the wife is completely under her wrath. There is no way one person (he) needs to suffer that much, so another person can heal (which obviously is not the goal). I hope the wife can move on and get her life back up again as well.
The fact that she's not willing to compromise at all, work part time, or downsize to an apartment, cook, or anything is a giant red flag. If she were willing to meet him halfway they could make progress together but if she's unwilling to budge at all then it becomes a deal breaker, I wouldn't blame him for getting a divorce at all.
I think the appropriate answers would be " As your Therapist and you came to the conclusion, that I'm not good for you and an obstacle for your recovery, it will be the best, if we go separate ways, so you can recover and get well soon."
Do some research on this therapist. She's milking your wife, not treating her. Like, is she even licensed? Or is this just a friend of hers she's pretending is her therapist?
If the wife has been seeing this therapist for the last 5 years and isn't even ready to think about going back to work, I'd suggest the therapist is incompetent. I had a break down after the age of 20, I was unable to work for long due to my mental health issues. I was going to therapy and taking medication and I would get a job for as long as my mental health allowed, brought some money in, then I'd either get fired or leave as my MH would deteriorate. After getting some group therapy and CBT I was able to be well enough to work and I was lucky enough to find a job I was able to stick with. I had no one to lean on. I was on my own. Even when I was out of work, I was constantly looking for work I thought I could do without too much of a toll on my mental health.
There is something wrong with a therapist that just enables this behavior. If her mental breakdown issues are so severe she is INCAPABLE of working, then you file for some type of disability. Being Unwilling to work is different. If one partner is truly unable to work, then you seriously cut back on expenses to match the one income. That doesn’t mean don’t pay off debt or disregard retirement. It means cutting take out/premade food, games, maybe even ineffective therapy. As off the wall as it sounds, maybe there is something going on with the therapist. Seems too invested in you remaining a sugar daddy destined for an early grave. If you have life insurance, carefully consider the beneficiary
She’s defining herself by her illness and shows no intention to change. All she seems to be doing is superficial. He also sadly et it go for too long. If she doesn’t start to seriously make some visible effort to improve I don’t see how they will last as a couple. And if he leaves she will forever be a victim in her own eyes. Sad sad sad situation
I am sure the therapist was willing to forgo their fees, for the sake of their patient's mental health...right?
If she's in the US and truly unable to recover from her mental health issues, she can get SSD too. Like she's just not willing to do anything. Sounds like a spoiled child.
The wife needs a better therapist if after 5 years she’s still a mental basket case Sounds like the “therapist” figured a sick patient is a good patient for business. And the wife sees a free ticket to do nothing but use her mental Illness as a crutch and her therapist as her enabler. Only solution is get TF out of that sick marriage
Sounds like wife needs a new therapist. One that will actually push her to work past her s**t, not coddle her and tell her her husband is being manipulative etc for needing help and being exhausted. Screw that. My fiancé works 40 hours a week and I have been off work since 2022 when I went back to nursing school and couldn’t handle both. We decided it’d be most sensible for me to take a year off and become an LPN. When that didn’t pan out as I had hoped and dreamed of for my entire life (I’m burnt out after 12 years in the medical field already and just couldn’t make myself put the amount of effort needed into it.) I immediately started thinking about what I REALLY would like to do, and a month later I started working on building my own retail/resale business and enrolled in classes for a computer science degree. I love it. A huge reason I stopped working was due to my bipolar and I’ve been taking every step possible in order to find some sort of relief, including surgery.
This is so not okay. I would never ever expect my fiancé to work 2xs as much so I could sit at home all day and do nothing. I go to school, take care of kids, do yard work, and everything else I can to make his life easier when he’s home ESPECIALLY because I’m not working. I’ve been looking for a part time job because even though I give all my student loan money excess to him for bills (which keeps our rent paid up a few months) I know he still struggles with anxiety about bills. I resell to make extra income and almost have my business site up and running. I couldn’t imagine him coming to me and saying he really is almost to his breaking point and then acting like this. I’d absolutely hate it, but I could go get a job in my old field tomorrow. If I needed to. And I’d do it if I had to. My preference is to be home especially with two kids and a baby on the way and the cost of child care, but I’d do it in a heartbeat if it relieved some of his stress. Not “my therapist says..” 🤦🏼♀️
Load More Replies... No progress in five years of therapy? It sounds as though the therapist is enabling the wife's problems. Divorce may not be the perfect solution because the wife can say she's permanently disabled by her mental health. OP will probably have to pay spousal support for many years post divorce.
This sounds to me like your wife and her therapist are having an affair. Emotional maybe, but still. Therapist is as crazy as she is.
Also if she's been in therapy for five years due to a mental disability causing her to be unable to work, what about getting on disability payments from the government?
Sounds like she has a horrible therapist, who would recommend that someone with a compromised mental state to not do anything. Not to mention 5 years of working with the therapist and her still not having the techniques and coping skills needed to attempt to work or build new skills. Finally, the lack of concern for destroying the mental health of the husband who is burnt out and feels unsupported. Mental illness is not someone's fault but it does not exempt you from responsibilities to attempt to adapt and function, or allow you to burden someone else for years without respect for the effect it has on your support system. I have had crippling mental health issues but the biggest motivator for me was to not harm those who were attempting to help me. Sometimes you are just not capable, but you don't stop trying.
separate your finances from hers and get ready for a divorce, this is not going to end well for you
I'm not sure where OP is located, but are disability benefits available to help ease the financial burden? Oh, and fire that manipulative, incompetent therapist. Good luck to you.
I get mental illness and burnout is are real serious issues (I have experienced both) but it doesn't sound like her therapist is helping her improve much if at all. She expects her husband to not only continue to work 18 hours a day but can't be bothered to cook or help around the house? Both my husband and I work. He works a lot of overtime just so we can have savings and money to spend on vacations, our homes, or ourselves. He leaves at 5:30am every morning and three times a week comes home until about 8 or 9pm, sometimes as late as 11pm. On the weekend he works on or helps out with whatever needs to be done in our home, mowing the lawn, cleaning, cooking etc. but most of that usually falls on me because I have more time and am able to. A relationship is a partnership and sometimes one person needs more support than the other, but 5 years is a long time to continue to get nowhere. Sounds like wife does not want to get better.
Unfortunately therapists are not regulated well everywhere. This is one that may realize that the longer one takes to heal, the more sessions they pay for
That puts my therapist in sharp contrast (saw him for nearly a year, then on and off as needed). Sessions are expensive, but I get what I pay for, and he works fast. So that ends up being cheaper than someone who prolongs things for the money. He also gets to help more people. :)
Load More Replies... There's a reason she doesn't want to change. There's too much cultural pressure to change for normal people. Either she's having an affair, is on drugs, or something else is going on. Maybe with the therapist. Idk. Something is really fishy here. Maybe she is just milking this but, to me, it feels like something else is blinding her to how obviously wrong this is and in my experience that's an addiction or hidden commitment.
Teaching in the public schools today is very tough. The kids can be unruly, and the administration may tie your hands dealing with them. I think the wife needs a new career.
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