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College Student Refuses To Add Dad To Her Bank Account, So He Tries Taking Her Card And Car Keys
What does it even mean to become financially independent? Is it when we finally get our first bank account separate from our parents’? Is it when we get our first job? Or is it when we’re finally able to pay our own bills?
Well, this can mean different things to different people, but one thing is for sure: if a parent monitors your finances, the idea of being even remotely independent goes out the window. A woman on r/AITA realized this when her dad started controlling her spending, even though she was earning the money herself. So, here’s what happened.
RELATED:
It’s never easy to cut the metaphorical umbilical cord
And a woman realized this when she noticed her dad was monitoring her bank account movements, even though she was already working
Many people who grew up with financial problems might end up projecting those fears onto others
Most young adults eventually need to learn to manage their own finances, but sometimes their parents aren’t ready for that step. The father, in particular, seems to have had money issues throughout most of his life, and psychologists note that early-life financial instability can have lasting effects on the brain. It can even keep someone in a state of hypervigilance, where survival instincts take over.
For someone with unresolved money trauma, small purchases can feel like an existential threat rather than ordinary adult expenses. Unfortunately, the father took things a step further, and the boundaries dissolved over time. This is known as “financial enmeshment,” which happens when a parent’s anxiety and need for security become entangled with their child’s financial behavior.
This can lead to a pattern of helicopter parenting, and yes, it can extend well beyond childhood. Studies published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies show that helicopter parenting can continue into college. Parents may believe that this kind of micromanagement teaches financial literacy, but research suggests the opposite. Without opportunities for trial and error, young adults may take longer to develop financial competence.
Not allowing their kids to grow financially might stunt their competence as adults
Unfortunately, if the dad continued behaving this way, it could seriously affect the 19-year-old’s transition into adulthood. According to self-determination theory, healthy psychological development between the ages of 18 and 25 relies on autonomy and competence. If the dad continued to undermine her sense of independence, she might develop even more serious coping mechanisms than just opening a second bank account.
That doesn’t mean it’s necessarily bad to rely on your parents for financial guidance or advice. In fact, surveys show that 60% of emerging adults receive some level of financial help from their parents. However, shared finances can also become a major source of conflict over boundaries once teenagers and students turn 18.
So, what do experts recommend in this situation? First, establish firm boundaries. After repeated boundary violations, keeping a joint account may no longer be an option. Psychologists recommend that when parents confuse control with care, adult children replace defensive tactics with clear, explicit boundaries. But what would you do in this situation, Pandas? Let us know in the comments!
Readers’ opinions were unanimous: the woman was definitely not wrong in this situation
Some netizens even advised her to completely shut down the account she has with her dad
Many others shared their own experience with overbearing parents
Exhausted by family or in-law drama like this one? Visit our Family Dynamics Hub for expert-backed guides on toxic relatives, parenting styles, and personal boundaries.
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What do you think ?
Zatetic 4 hours ago
Dad doesn't want to lose his tax deduction and his ability to use money as a control mechanism.
Tabitha 3 hours ago
I also think he’s blowing a part of it on some kind of secret thing, like gambling or another woman. Remember, he floats himself “loans” from his daughter’s account, which probably get paid back from his next paycheck. Also, OP’s mother is also being financially a****d, and should also get out of there.
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Tabitha 3 hours ago (edited)
I would advise OP to get out of that house, after either taking her father off her bank account or closing that account and moving all her money into her own account—-at a completely different bank so there’s no chance a teller will ask him which account he wants to use, thereby spilling the beans about OP’s new account. She’s 19, legally an adult, regardless of whether she still feels like a child—-which will wear off as she flexes her wings in her newfound un-micromanaged freedom. I hate the fact that her father—-who is supposedly now financially well off after an inheritance, ffs—-would think it’s just fine to take money out of his daughter’s account, without asking her or even saying a word to her about it, regardless of whether he put it back a couple days later or not. He needs to use his OWN money first his c**p. I would also devise her to work on getting her mother out too—-she is ALSO being financially a****d by her husband. If she makes enough at her job to support herself, she needs to divorce him, and get HALF of ALL their assets. OO didn’t say whose family the inheritance came from. If from her mother’s side, then Mana needs to pull that amount out of her future ex-husband’s a*s, because he has been barring her from using it, plus her own salary, since forever. W*F is he doing with the family money that he has to float himself a temporary loan by stealing it from his daughter’s account? All his financial a***e and shenanigans will come out in the divorce, which I hope OP posts in a future update.
Zatetic 4 hours ago
Dad doesn't want to lose his tax deduction and his ability to use money as a control mechanism.
Tabitha 3 hours ago
I also think he’s blowing a part of it on some kind of secret thing, like gambling or another woman. Remember, he floats himself “loans” from his daughter’s account, which probably get paid back from his next paycheck. Also, OP’s mother is also being financially a****d, and should also get out of there.
Load More Replies... Tabitha 3 hours ago (edited)
I would advise OP to get out of that house, after either taking her father off her bank account or closing that account and moving all her money into her own account—-at a completely different bank so there’s no chance a teller will ask him which account he wants to use, thereby spilling the beans about OP’s new account. She’s 19, legally an adult, regardless of whether she still feels like a child—-which will wear off as she flexes her wings in her newfound un-micromanaged freedom. I hate the fact that her father—-who is supposedly now financially well off after an inheritance, ffs—-would think it’s just fine to take money out of his daughter’s account, without asking her or even saying a word to her about it, regardless of whether he put it back a couple days later or not. He needs to use his OWN money first his c**p. I would also devise her to work on getting her mother out too—-she is ALSO being financially a****d by her husband. If she makes enough at her job to support herself, she needs to divorce him, and get HALF of ALL their assets. OO didn’t say whose family the inheritance came from. If from her mother’s side, then Mana needs to pull that amount out of her future ex-husband’s a*s, because he has been barring her from using it, plus her own salary, since forever. W*F is he doing with the family money that he has to float himself a temporary loan by stealing it from his daughter’s account? All his financial a***e and shenanigans will come out in the divorce, which I hope OP posts in a future update.
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