Mom Is Lost And Confused After Her Daughter Refuses To Learn Sign Language And Her Husband Threatens Divorce
Communication is absolutely fundamental to any positive relationship that you hope to build. Without being clear and honest about our thoughts and feelings, we’re leaving others to second-guess our motives. And nobody’s a mind-reader.
Redditor u/Smart_Palpitation147 turned to the AITA community to hear their thoughts about a tense situation at home. The mom shared how she gave her 17-year-old daughter an ultimatum to learn sign language, so that she’d be able to communicate with her 7-year-old stepsister. The post sparked an intense discussion. Scroll down for the full story, and to see how the internet reacted to it.
Bored Panda wanted to understand the context of learning American Sign Language a bit better, so we reached out to the friendly team at Signing Savvy, a popular ASL Sign Language Video Dictionary. Read on to see what a representative told us.
Knowing sign language is a very useful skill to have, no matter where in the world you live
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages (not the actual photo)
A mom started a fiery discussion online after sharing how she gave her an ultimatum to learn sign language for the sake of the teen’s stepsister
Image credits: EORION_production (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Smart_Palpitation147
The argument had escalated to such a point that the mom turned to the internet for advice
The World Federation of the Deaf states that there are over 70 million deaf people around the globe. Meanwhile, the United Nations points out that more than 300 different sign languages exist in the world. The Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities recognizes sign languages as being of equal status as spoken languages.
Most redditors who read the story thought pretty much everyone was to blame for the drama happening at home. Some internet users felt like the OP should not have given her daughter any ultimatums. Meanwhile, the teenager herself should not be misplacing her frustrations on her stepsister and stepdad.
From the mom’s perspective, she’s not asking for rocket science here, only common decency. All she wants is for her soon-to-be eighteen-year-old to learn at least some basic sign language so that she can communicate with her deaf stepsister whenever she’s babysitting her. However, it’s more or less clear that the teen has no interest in getting closer to the new members of her family—at least for now.
A single high-quality lesson may be enough to help someone communicate in ASL on a basic level
Different people learn languages at very different rates. However, we were curious just how difficult it is to learn the basics of American Sign Language. Julie, from Signing Savvy, was kind enough to answer our questions.
“You may communicate on a basic level after just one ‘good’ class,” she told Bored Panda via email. She explained that this means having “the right instructor (preferably Deaf) and the right curriculum (one recognized by the Deaf community).”
“However, to become near-native fluent in ANY language, including sign language, the rule of thumb is generally 6 years.”
Meanwhile, we were interested in whether there’s much overlap between American Sign Language and British Sign Language, considering that each sign language is generally distinct.
“Ironically, even though both the US and Great Britain speak English, the resemblance stops there,” the Signing Savvy team pointed out to us.
“In fact, their signing alphabet is two-handed! So when our native ASL signers were in London, they had to rely on lipreading because the British signs were not even close to ASL,” Julie said.
“ASL and French Sign Language have a lot of similarities because Laurent Clerc (a French Deaf man) and Thomas Gallaudet (an American) opened the first school for the Deaf in Hartford, Connecticut using a combination of FSL along with signs they made up and signs they picked up from deaf students from Martha’s Vineyard.”
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Learning a new way to communicate with someone shows that you’re empathetic and respect them
Living in someone else’s home does come with certain rules and expectations. However, the internet wasn’t sure whether being forced to learn sign language fell into that category. Though many seemed to agree that being kind to a vulnerable child should be a no-brainer.
Putting in the effort to learn a completely different mode of communication is also an act of deep empathy and respect. Sign language is a useful skill to have, no matter who you are.
Being able to communicate with as many people as possible is a good goal to strive for. It’s also enjoyable to challenge yourself to learn a new language, whether that’s French, Ukrainian, or ASL.
As with any language, practice is key. Unless you keep your skills sharp with near-daily use, you’re bound to forget what you’ve learned during your lessons. It helps if you’ve got something to motivate you to go above and beyond: like having a deaf relative, classmate, or colleague who you’d like to get to know better.
On the flip side, being forced to learn something may only increase someone’s frustration, if they don’t see the point of it all. Ideally, the person should want to learn sign language, not just feel like they have no choice in the matter. Otherwise, they might become overly defensive.
No universal sign language exists, each country and region has its own
The National Institute on Deafness and Other Communication Disorders notes that there is no universal sign language. At least, not yet. Different countries and regions end up using different sign languages. And so, American Sign Language is a distinct language from, say, British Sign Language.
Though some countries might adopt certain features of ASL, knowing one of these sign languages does not guarantee that a deaf person will understand a deaf foreigner. ASL is also different from English and has its own word order, formations, and pronunciation rules. What’s more, there are regional accents and dialects, alongside individual ways to express oneself.
The NIDCD notes that English speakers might raise the pitch of their voices to ask a question. Meanwhile, ASL users might raise their eyebrows, widen their eyes, or tilt their bodies forward.
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
The mom answered some questions and shared a bit more context in the comments of her post
Many people thought that the author was the one in the wrong
Some others, however, thought that she wasn’t to blame
Meanwhile, other readers thought that everyone behaved like a jerk. Here’s what they had to say
How is this a problem now - after they’re married and started to live together? They should’ve sorted it out, gotten to know each other’s kids, build relationships, etc way before that.
Nailed it! I find it hard to believe that there hadn't been more serious discussions before they moved in together. I'd like to know how long the parents were seeing each other before marrying. Was it a whirlwind (in which case I side with the kid) or was it long term, several years (in which case I side with the adults a little)?
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If the reason really is that the daughter thinks she should have stayed faithful to her deceased father, the Mum should have got her counselling years ago. However, I don't personally believe that is the sole reason she dislikes her step family. Either Mum needs to speak to her or own up in the post as to the information she omitted. Can't judge, as I feel this is far from the full story
It could be "I don't want to share my mommy" I think the 17 yr old is acting spoiled. She has a whole floor to herself, and is acting like they owe her.
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YTA because you put your own child in this position and are now giving her an ultimatum because you don't want your husband to divorce you. Because up until then your daughter not knowing sign wasn't an issue for you .Your daughter is TA for taking the job to care for the kid to earn extra money. Both parents are TA for allowing the daughter to babysit for the kid knowing she couldn't communicate with the kid. Your husband is TA for marrying you before making sure everyone in the household was willing to learn how to communicate with his deaf child. Poor kid!
But don’t you know? Sign Language is a fantastic skill, and the daughter should be grateful to be forced into learning it. And nothing motivates a teenager into learning a new language like “You must learn this or else I will kick you out of the family home.” /sarcasm
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Everyone is saying the husband is threatening divorce over the ASL but I don't see that as what he's saying. He's saying the environment overall is toxic for his daughter and I have to agree
If only he’d considered “Can this work?” before throwing two kids into a toxic situation.
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NAH. Bio-daughter's comment that she thought her mom should have stayed faithful to her father, who died when she was 3, indicates to me that there's some deeper trauma happening. Bio-daughter needs some therapy, possibly family therapy with mom. I don't think new husband is wrong that it could be really bad for step-daughter's mental health to be living with someone who despises her so much that she refuses to learn to communicate with her. Also, don't have bio-daughter babysit step-daughter anymore if she won't communicate with her.
I do wonder, why does the husband immediately threaten divorce just because OPs daughter doesn't want to learn sign language? Apparently they trust her enough to watch over stepsister and she doesn't seem to be bullying her either from this. Seems like his overreacting manner was the cause for all of this. Or he just wants to gaslight OP into forcing her daughter to learn sign language because he doesn't like that she doesn't care for the new family.
Neither adult seems to have paused and considered “Is this definitely a good idea? Out of the four people involved here, is there anyone who is already immediately unhappy with this?” before creating a new family.
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1) Most Deaf and HoH don't consider ourselves as disabled; take that however you want. 2) When your daughter is home, don't use shown language, only Sign. This might make her feel like SD... everyone else is able to communicate except your daughter. It's a lonely place to be when you can't fully understand what everyone around you is "talking" about. 3) Whenever you do speak (verbal), Sign along with it. Repeated exposure will make it stick, whether she wants to learn it or not. 4) ESH except SD. The three of you need to sit down and have a productive conversation. And based on what I've read, maybe hire a therapist to act as a mediator for using constructive statements.
People might see your husband being the bad one but he is also caring for his daughter and clearly she is her first priority.Totally ignoring a person is a bad thing to do.Nothing will cost your daughter to learn basic communication even if she is not babysitting her.Imagine being a family and still not family.Talk to your daughter. She is asking you to be faithful to a man who has been dead for long.Sorry but y and daughter is wrong here.If you are living together there might be instances where she shall be left alone with stepdaughter even if she doesn't likes it.
If you think it's acceptable to issue ultimatums to people you claim to love, you've got bigger issues than just this one.
Issuing ultimatums is sometimes referred to as setting boundaries, and depending on the circumstances, can be very healthy. I don't think the father is wrong for looking out for his daughter's mental health in what may be a toxic environment for her.
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As the child of blended marriages, this one just sucks all the way around. But, my step mom included me in everything, told people I WAS her daughter (she passed away when I was 22), and even went head to head with a hospital when I was 12 when they wanted to do a total hysterectomy bc I had massive cysts on both ovaries (not the entire story- it was bad, I couldn't walk bc of the pain and a few had burst. They first thought it was my appendix. Without her intervention, I never would have had my sons. Even my own mom, who literally walked into the screaming match at the hospital had to intervene and tell them that yes, this is was her mom and she was also mine and that it was over their dead bodies that they did this to me at my age (Biloxi Mississippi, y'all...). I hated my step brothers (well, only two- one is damn near a saint and an amazing father & chiropractor), but I loved my stepmom. Yes, there was always friction (I mean, at one time there were 5 teens in the house!!), but-
We all tried to stick together for the sake of my stepmom, bc my dad was the biggest walking contradiction; his friends/coworkers all said he was the most calm & even tempered person, incredibly nice & funny, but at home he was a wild animal, screaming, yelling, calling us worthless. Once we became 13-14, he stopped buying anything for us (food, yes, but things like sports, etc). My stepmom always paid for her sons, but she got help from her ex husband & my mom was dead poor, working 2-3 jobs at a time for awhile. I resented her awhile for that until I realized she was trying just as hard for me, there was just no more money, so we did "girly" things at home. Again, I hated that bc I was a huge tomboy & she was a gorgeous German woman, but I loved her & liked seeing her smile & be happy. So, I guess, I'm wondering if the stepdad as make ANY effort towards D, bc my dad didn't do anything and my SM did so much. It's not the moms fault- she's at her wits end, what's he doing to help???
Load More Replies... OP was decently fair in most aspect (offering alternatives etc) but trying to force a relationship when there is 0 interest is nonsense. Daughter clearly is incapable to be a babysitter since she can't communicate with sittee - she shouldn't be babysitter. Simple as that.
The mom is never going to see these comments, as it’s from another site, but at a minimum, they should all go to family therapy.
I feel she rushed the relationship and the daughter probably is resentful on that on top of everything else. There’s more to this story. I think family therapy is in order so everyone can hash out their issues and come to some sort of compromise where everyone is happy.
Learning basic sign language should have been a condition for employment as baby sitter. Why would you hire someone who doesn't know any ASL to supervise a deaf child alone? That's insane. If she still refused to learn, then she can't do the job. Simple. Really though, OP and her daughter could benefit a lot from family therapy if they're both willing to participate.
I don’t know why everyone is acting like this is entirely outside of the daughter’s control. Yes, the fact that the daughter is stuck as part of a family with people she doesn’t like is a major issue, but the ASL ultimatum wasn’t given until she started babysitting, which was apparently her idea. I hardly think expecting someone to be able to communicate with someone they are paid to care for is unreasonable.
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While I’m in NO WAY condoning the 17 year old’s attitude… let’s just look at this from her perspective: “So, wait a minute… you’ll pay for me to live on campus, closer to my classes (saving me time), where I get to do what I want (be independent), and I no longer have to live with people I’m barely tolerating, AND I don’t have to learn ASL (which I’ve said I don’t want to learn)? Yes, please!” … Truly, this is a bigger issue. They need family counseling. IMO, saying her daughter expects her to remain faithful to someone who died when she was 3 isn’t the real issue. I don’t remember much from being 3. I think it’s more likely the OP has now divided her attention between her daughter, step-daughter, and new husband… and there’s built-up resentment there. Family counseling should be the only option at this point.
17 year old girl seems to be in an unhealthy mental state, and is attempting to block her mother's happiness for apparently selfish reasons. The expectation of faithfulness to a father, whom she likely has no direct memory of at three years old, is not reasonable. This appears to be manipulation, and something the 17 year old will likely regret once becoming more mature.
OP seems to have already forced her daughter into an unhappy home life for her own selfish reasons. The expectation of her daughter to live with people she doesn’t care for, and to learn a new language purely for their benefit, is not reasonable. Telling her she will be forced out of the family home is worse than manipulation, it’s bullying, and will burn her future relationship with her daughter to the ground.
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Honestly I just think the daughter is being overly cold towards people who as far as we're aware haven't done anything wrong and is potentially endangering a young child by refusing to learn how to communicate with her yet wanting to look after her but kicking her out may be a lot. Don't let her look after the child although it may hurt the child that a person she lives with hates her for nothing. Kids will notice. It will hurt. Idk what y'all should do but think this through stg
Esh for just not thinking everything through and nobody is cooperating. In the end the child will be hurt somehow if this continues how it's going
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I don't understand why someone would chose a babysitter that doesn't like that person to start with and only doing it for the money, without any communication skills on her part. Don't you want someone who loves (or at least like) your child before putting that child under their care?
Daughter is an ableist a$$hole but also who tf taught her to beehave so f$%*ing shamefully? I can't imagine what taught her that kind of thing was ok to do. I can't imagine how f$%^ed up and traumatised that Deaf lil sis is. But who taught her to behave that way? She's almost 18 and this much of an a$$hole? What was her mother teaching her all this time? Sounds like mom isn't giving all the details. Regardless, that little kid doesn't deserve such abuse--because neglect is abuse, and that little kid doesn't HAVE a choice in this matter. I'm siding with the husband. Throw the whole woman and her awful daughter away. Nobody should grow up seeing stepmom and dad ALLOW someone to act so incredibly cruel for no f$%&ing reason other than 'weh wehhh my mom should have stayed sad and single forever after my dad died'. sounds like mother and daughter have some ISSUES that just never got solved. Get out of there husband! You and your daughter deserve better than this BULL$*%T!!!
Can you imagine saying to your 17 y/o daughter, "You're responsible for holding my marriage together and you have to go out of your way for people you don't like, that you never had a say in living with, or you can gtfo." Any mother that chooses a man over their own child should never have had kids in the first place. I hope the daughter bails as soon as she can. Any guy who gave me that ultimatum would be out on his a$$ so fast he'd think he got magicked there.
A lot of these responses were written by people who lack perspective. The Mom has been alone for 14 years. Daughter will be leaving (part time or full time) in the fall. Daughter doesn't like step dad because she thinks the mom should stay faithful to her dead husband. That's childish and BS. She's making a little kid who also didn't choose this arrangement suffer for the sake of her tantrum. Mom is totally NTA. She's still supporting her daughter, just not her behavior and choices.
“You must learn a new language or else leave the family home. I am supporting you, just not your behaviour and choices.” “You must leave your husband. I am supporting you, just not your behaviour and choices.”
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I think you all need to go to some family counseling, together and separate. Your family is about to explode with everyone going their own way, with hurt feelings and anger engulfing each of you. Please try it before things get any worse. If nothing else, go to counseling yourself to get some ideas how to possibly work through some of the issues in more positive ways.
Regardless, the older daughter must learn basic ASL for safety's sake alone. What if the younger daughter came signing "FIRE!" or "INTRUDER!"
I think op raised an inconsiderate brat, and now she's paying for it. She's making excuses for her, then wondering why her daughters a b****. When ur a parent, u make the rules. Kids don't have to like them, just abide by them.
So many stories here about families where parents just decided to marry without even creating any relations with the step children or doing any activities for the step siblings to get to know each other. Gives me Step by step feeling. I dont get those ppl. Just why
Not enough information. How long did the date before getting married and moving in? Why is this suddenly an issue. Husband seems like an issue. Threatening divorce? He suddenly is worried about the environment for his daughter? Essentially is displacing the eldest. Something more is up with this.Who owns the house? Etc.
All of them, except the little girl, are making mistakes. And this may be an unpopular opinion, but that's one selfish teenager.
Whatever about the daughter not liking the husband what is her problem with a child? Really what is her problem. She's a self serving, narcissistic entitled brat. She want the extra money but didn't want to have to "deal" with the child. Just what kind of person is she? She wanted her mother to remain faithful to her 14yrs dead father! Shameful behaviour. I see the husband's point of view, who would believe a 17yr would treat a little child this way.
NTA your house your rules. If she can't learn to be civil with the people that also live in the same place as her, then she doesn't need to live there.
I may be in the minority, but I vote NTA. You were wise to back off, since your daughter clearly has no interest in getting to know her step-family. However, skipping out on birthdays and barely conversing with them is blatantly rude. Your daughter's behavior is more inclined to that of a seven-year-old, one who is accustomed to being the only child. She refuses to share her space with anyone else, even a disabled child. She needs to grow up. NOW. As far as babysitting goes, hire a sitter fluent in ASL, and tell your daughter that her services are no longer required. Then pay for her dorm room at college. If she protests, shut it down immediately. Tell her that she can't have it both ways; her coldness towards her step-family has reached its limit with you, and will no longer be tolerated. You are not choosing another family over her, nor are you forcing her to like them. You're just asking her to be civil.
Seriously? Skipping birthdays and not talking to people is being civil. She isnt starting fights or anything, but you think cause the mother chose the father she has to act like she cares about them?
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I'm still stuck on her saying the little is "disabled" just because she's deaf and how that's apparently an acceptable reason for the teen to not like her? There's for sure more going on here, it's not like people move in together/get married without introducing families (regularly) so there should have been obvious signs long before things got to this point. How much time does he spend with the teen trying to be a part of her life? Hopefully he's not trying to treat them both the exact same thinking that that's 1) appropriate 2) going to be effective. And for mom? Is this the first person she's dated since the dad's death? Has she made sure to talk to and with the teen and reassure her that 1) she's still "staying true" to the dad 2) she's allowed to want to still have a bigger family, especially after all these years.
NTA. If she wants to continue to earn money babysitting, then she MUST learn at least the basics. In case of an emergency, she needs to be able to talk to and understand her stepsister. If she chooses not to learn, then she must make money some other way. It's been you and her for as long as she can remember. Now she has these people changing the status quo at a pretty hard time for any teen. Family therapy for ALL 4 OF YOU can help. Make your daughter go to at least find a way she can come to terms with the changes, either with the family or alone. Your stepdaughter is the one who will be hurt the most unless things change. She's old enough to realize stepsister doesn't like her and she has no idea why. Hubby has to watch out for her, but divorce should be his last resort
The husband is NTA for considering divorce! He has a very young disabled child who is and should be his biggest priority in life! That child could be injured or killed while under the care of a spoiled brat who can’t be bothered. If it was me, I’d want my child AWAY from this poisonous person. And Mom is not much better than the daughter. She’ll be 18 in 2 weeks? Fine. She’s an adult now, she can look after herself. But since Mom apparently didn’t teach her brat to take responsibility for herself, or learn to care about or be protective towards someone who needs help, she’s not gonna have a good time. It’s called getting exactly what she deserves.
As someone who lost a parent, I think Daughter is holding on to a lot of resentment, anger and unrealistic expectations for the whole situation. Expecting her Mom to be loyal to a man who passed away 14 years ago shows an immaturity in understanding her feelings. Counseling is in order for that as well as the obvious resentment she feels towards the steps. I think these are all interconnected. Daughter is the AH for punishing a 7 year old for her own feelings of resentment. Yes, Mom should have made sure dtr was OK with new marriage and ss, but really, the girl is turning 18, going off to college and leaving home. Did she expect her Mom to sit on the sofa, just awaiting her magnificent return? Dtr is immature, doesn't know how to handle her feelings and is making a 7 Y/O miserable. I wonder how she'll feel after a couple of counseling sessions?
I'm brainstorming as I read all these comments...and have a potential 'outside the box' alternative solution that this family could try: the hearing impaired child is +7 years old, so she should be able to read... Why couldn't the teenager use a voice-to-text app to communicate with this young girl? Surely, the family has cell phones, tablets, etc....The teenager wouldn't feel forced to accept/ tolerate another change being forced in her ..the 2 of them could communicate....and, perhaps, theyight find that they have things in common, and could blend together. ***I'm a career nurse, and have had to use Google translate, voice-to-text & message boards often throughout my 30-year career.
I do not like it when anyone is mean to a child. I think the daughter is rude and that the mom is parenting out of guilt. The stepdad should be more concerned about how his daughter is being treated by this rude almost adult. I remember when my husbands son ( then 11 ) said he will not come to visit unless My son (then 3) and I are at home. My husband told him, he will be missed. He missed one weekend only.
They have 17-year-old who doesn't know sign language in charge of a deaf 7-year-old she doesn't like. You could probably convince me that this is child abuse.
Doesn't the mother after all those years as a lone widow deserve a chance at a different kind of happiness.How much and how long should she sacrifice or deny herself some personal life.Her daughter isn't going to stay home and forfill her needs nor should she.Only the daughter refused to try
NTA. The mom's even paying for the dorm if she chooses to move out. It's not unreasonable to ask her to learn basic ASL for the sake of a child's mental health who is a permanent part of the household
Esh. You hired un unqualified person for the job in the first place. She sucks because she doesn't want to make any effort to help you out even though she is accepting your money. If she doesn't want to be a part of your family when she's 18, free her. Don't provide for her. I would love a good excuse to learn ASL. The program at my state University had a waiting list. Even though it's a terrible show with terrible writing I loved watching Switched at birth and trying to pick up some ASL through that. Your daughter is a numbskull for not wanting to learn a beautiful, expressive language and has some issues only a trained therapist can deal with. You've paid her(should have paid someone else) but she took the job and your money. She's out.
I don’t think the daughter is in the wrong. This all could have been established beforehand had the newly married couple—once they came to a realisation that this was serious—told their children. The daughter may not have learned it while OP did because OP knew about all of this a lot longer than her daughter did, which is an a-hole move. Secondly, there is clearly more than meets the eye. If the husband threatens divorce to the OP over her child’s actions, then I guarantee the father can be a little b***h to OP’s daughter, putting his daughter’s needs above her own when, in reality, they are both just as important (being deaf does NOT mean that you need priority, it just means that there needs to be a different form of communication). OP doesn’t see this unequal treatment, as she herself puts her step-child over her daughter’s needs.
NTA, in fact, I think you’re being very reasonable. Besides the fact your daughter should be willing to make an effort to communicate with everybody in the household, you’re right about demanding any caregiver to learn to communicate properly with the one she’s sitting. So, if she sits for SD as a “job”, she should make the extra effort with ASL
Have they even asked the SD if she feels some type of way about it all? The father threatened divorce over basically another adult not wanting to be involved in his child's life?? Does that child even care?? If they thought ASL was a necessity then why let her babysit BEFORE she learned then turn it into an ultimatum? She must not be ignoring the little girl entirely while watching her so either she can read writing or lips and if they can communicate like that it's better than the daughter forgetting ASL in an emergency and making a bad situation worse.
I think op should see recordings of the babysitting if they have any or get something to record with to see what the daughter may be saying to the step daughter.
I'm not even reading this, the headline is enough. DIVORCE????? The sanctity of marriage, the ridiculous vows people still say.....divorce is just too damned common.
How is this a problem now - after they’re married and started to live together? They should’ve sorted it out, gotten to know each other’s kids, build relationships, etc way before that.
Nailed it! I find it hard to believe that there hadn't been more serious discussions before they moved in together. I'd like to know how long the parents were seeing each other before marrying. Was it a whirlwind (in which case I side with the kid) or was it long term, several years (in which case I side with the adults a little)?
Load More Replies... If the reason really is that the daughter thinks she should have stayed faithful to her deceased father, the Mum should have got her counselling years ago. However, I don't personally believe that is the sole reason she dislikes her step family. Either Mum needs to speak to her or own up in the post as to the information she omitted. Can't judge, as I feel this is far from the full story
It could be "I don't want to share my mommy" I think the 17 yr old is acting spoiled. She has a whole floor to herself, and is acting like they owe her.
Load More Replies... YTA because you put your own child in this position and are now giving her an ultimatum because you don't want your husband to divorce you. Because up until then your daughter not knowing sign wasn't an issue for you .Your daughter is TA for taking the job to care for the kid to earn extra money. Both parents are TA for allowing the daughter to babysit for the kid knowing she couldn't communicate with the kid. Your husband is TA for marrying you before making sure everyone in the household was willing to learn how to communicate with his deaf child. Poor kid!
But don’t you know? Sign Language is a fantastic skill, and the daughter should be grateful to be forced into learning it. And nothing motivates a teenager into learning a new language like “You must learn this or else I will kick you out of the family home.” /sarcasm
Load More Replies... Everyone is saying the husband is threatening divorce over the ASL but I don't see that as what he's saying. He's saying the environment overall is toxic for his daughter and I have to agree
If only he’d considered “Can this work?” before throwing two kids into a toxic situation.
Load More Replies... NAH. Bio-daughter's comment that she thought her mom should have stayed faithful to her father, who died when she was 3, indicates to me that there's some deeper trauma happening. Bio-daughter needs some therapy, possibly family therapy with mom. I don't think new husband is wrong that it could be really bad for step-daughter's mental health to be living with someone who despises her so much that she refuses to learn to communicate with her. Also, don't have bio-daughter babysit step-daughter anymore if she won't communicate with her.
I do wonder, why does the husband immediately threaten divorce just because OPs daughter doesn't want to learn sign language? Apparently they trust her enough to watch over stepsister and she doesn't seem to be bullying her either from this. Seems like his overreacting manner was the cause for all of this. Or he just wants to gaslight OP into forcing her daughter to learn sign language because he doesn't like that she doesn't care for the new family.
Neither adult seems to have paused and considered “Is this definitely a good idea? Out of the four people involved here, is there anyone who is already immediately unhappy with this?” before creating a new family.
Load More Replies... 1) Most Deaf and HoH don't consider ourselves as disabled; take that however you want. 2) When your daughter is home, don't use shown language, only Sign. This might make her feel like SD... everyone else is able to communicate except your daughter. It's a lonely place to be when you can't fully understand what everyone around you is "talking" about. 3) Whenever you do speak (verbal), Sign along with it. Repeated exposure will make it stick, whether she wants to learn it or not. 4) ESH except SD. The three of you need to sit down and have a productive conversation. And based on what I've read, maybe hire a therapist to act as a mediator for using constructive statements.
People might see your husband being the bad one but he is also caring for his daughter and clearly she is her first priority.Totally ignoring a person is a bad thing to do.Nothing will cost your daughter to learn basic communication even if she is not babysitting her.Imagine being a family and still not family.Talk to your daughter. She is asking you to be faithful to a man who has been dead for long.Sorry but y and daughter is wrong here.If you are living together there might be instances where she shall be left alone with stepdaughter even if she doesn't likes it.
If you think it's acceptable to issue ultimatums to people you claim to love, you've got bigger issues than just this one.
Issuing ultimatums is sometimes referred to as setting boundaries, and depending on the circumstances, can be very healthy. I don't think the father is wrong for looking out for his daughter's mental health in what may be a toxic environment for her.
Load More Replies... As the child of blended marriages, this one just sucks all the way around. But, my step mom included me in everything, told people I WAS her daughter (she passed away when I was 22), and even went head to head with a hospital when I was 12 when they wanted to do a total hysterectomy bc I had massive cysts on both ovaries (not the entire story- it was bad, I couldn't walk bc of the pain and a few had burst. They first thought it was my appendix. Without her intervention, I never would have had my sons. Even my own mom, who literally walked into the screaming match at the hospital had to intervene and tell them that yes, this is was her mom and she was also mine and that it was over their dead bodies that they did this to me at my age (Biloxi Mississippi, y'all...). I hated my step brothers (well, only two- one is damn near a saint and an amazing father & chiropractor), but I loved my stepmom. Yes, there was always friction (I mean, at one time there were 5 teens in the house!!), but-
We all tried to stick together for the sake of my stepmom, bc my dad was the biggest walking contradiction; his friends/coworkers all said he was the most calm & even tempered person, incredibly nice & funny, but at home he was a wild animal, screaming, yelling, calling us worthless. Once we became 13-14, he stopped buying anything for us (food, yes, but things like sports, etc). My stepmom always paid for her sons, but she got help from her ex husband & my mom was dead poor, working 2-3 jobs at a time for awhile. I resented her awhile for that until I realized she was trying just as hard for me, there was just no more money, so we did "girly" things at home. Again, I hated that bc I was a huge tomboy & she was a gorgeous German woman, but I loved her & liked seeing her smile & be happy. So, I guess, I'm wondering if the stepdad as make ANY effort towards D, bc my dad didn't do anything and my SM did so much. It's not the moms fault- she's at her wits end, what's he doing to help???
Load More Replies... OP was decently fair in most aspect (offering alternatives etc) but trying to force a relationship when there is 0 interest is nonsense. Daughter clearly is incapable to be a babysitter since she can't communicate with sittee - she shouldn't be babysitter. Simple as that.
The mom is never going to see these comments, as it’s from another site, but at a minimum, they should all go to family therapy.
I feel she rushed the relationship and the daughter probably is resentful on that on top of everything else. There’s more to this story. I think family therapy is in order so everyone can hash out their issues and come to some sort of compromise where everyone is happy.
Learning basic sign language should have been a condition for employment as baby sitter. Why would you hire someone who doesn't know any ASL to supervise a deaf child alone? That's insane. If she still refused to learn, then she can't do the job. Simple. Really though, OP and her daughter could benefit a lot from family therapy if they're both willing to participate.
I don’t know why everyone is acting like this is entirely outside of the daughter’s control. Yes, the fact that the daughter is stuck as part of a family with people she doesn’t like is a major issue, but the ASL ultimatum wasn’t given until she started babysitting, which was apparently her idea. I hardly think expecting someone to be able to communicate with someone they are paid to care for is unreasonable.
Load More Replies... While I’m in NO WAY condoning the 17 year old’s attitude… let’s just look at this from her perspective: “So, wait a minute… you’ll pay for me to live on campus, closer to my classes (saving me time), where I get to do what I want (be independent), and I no longer have to live with people I’m barely tolerating, AND I don’t have to learn ASL (which I’ve said I don’t want to learn)? Yes, please!” … Truly, this is a bigger issue. They need family counseling. IMO, saying her daughter expects her to remain faithful to someone who died when she was 3 isn’t the real issue. I don’t remember much from being 3. I think it’s more likely the OP has now divided her attention between her daughter, step-daughter, and new husband… and there’s built-up resentment there. Family counseling should be the only option at this point.
17 year old girl seems to be in an unhealthy mental state, and is attempting to block her mother's happiness for apparently selfish reasons. The expectation of faithfulness to a father, whom she likely has no direct memory of at three years old, is not reasonable. This appears to be manipulation, and something the 17 year old will likely regret once becoming more mature.
OP seems to have already forced her daughter into an unhappy home life for her own selfish reasons. The expectation of her daughter to live with people she doesn’t care for, and to learn a new language purely for their benefit, is not reasonable. Telling her she will be forced out of the family home is worse than manipulation, it’s bullying, and will burn her future relationship with her daughter to the ground.
Load More Replies... Honestly I just think the daughter is being overly cold towards people who as far as we're aware haven't done anything wrong and is potentially endangering a young child by refusing to learn how to communicate with her yet wanting to look after her but kicking her out may be a lot. Don't let her look after the child although it may hurt the child that a person she lives with hates her for nothing. Kids will notice. It will hurt. Idk what y'all should do but think this through stg
Esh for just not thinking everything through and nobody is cooperating. In the end the child will be hurt somehow if this continues how it's going
Load More Replies... I don't understand why someone would chose a babysitter that doesn't like that person to start with and only doing it for the money, without any communication skills on her part. Don't you want someone who loves (or at least like) your child before putting that child under their care?
Daughter is an ableist a$$hole but also who tf taught her to beehave so f$%*ing shamefully? I can't imagine what taught her that kind of thing was ok to do. I can't imagine how f$%^ed up and traumatised that Deaf lil sis is. But who taught her to behave that way? She's almost 18 and this much of an a$$hole? What was her mother teaching her all this time? Sounds like mom isn't giving all the details. Regardless, that little kid doesn't deserve such abuse--because neglect is abuse, and that little kid doesn't HAVE a choice in this matter. I'm siding with the husband. Throw the whole woman and her awful daughter away. Nobody should grow up seeing stepmom and dad ALLOW someone to act so incredibly cruel for no f$%&ing reason other than 'weh wehhh my mom should have stayed sad and single forever after my dad died'. sounds like mother and daughter have some ISSUES that just never got solved. Get out of there husband! You and your daughter deserve better than this BULL$*%T!!!
Can you imagine saying to your 17 y/o daughter, "You're responsible for holding my marriage together and you have to go out of your way for people you don't like, that you never had a say in living with, or you can gtfo." Any mother that chooses a man over their own child should never have had kids in the first place. I hope the daughter bails as soon as she can. Any guy who gave me that ultimatum would be out on his a$$ so fast he'd think he got magicked there.
A lot of these responses were written by people who lack perspective. The Mom has been alone for 14 years. Daughter will be leaving (part time or full time) in the fall. Daughter doesn't like step dad because she thinks the mom should stay faithful to her dead husband. That's childish and BS. She's making a little kid who also didn't choose this arrangement suffer for the sake of her tantrum. Mom is totally NTA. She's still supporting her daughter, just not her behavior and choices.
“You must learn a new language or else leave the family home. I am supporting you, just not your behaviour and choices.” “You must leave your husband. I am supporting you, just not your behaviour and choices.”
Load More Replies... I think you all need to go to some family counseling, together and separate. Your family is about to explode with everyone going their own way, with hurt feelings and anger engulfing each of you. Please try it before things get any worse. If nothing else, go to counseling yourself to get some ideas how to possibly work through some of the issues in more positive ways.
Regardless, the older daughter must learn basic ASL for safety's sake alone. What if the younger daughter came signing "FIRE!" or "INTRUDER!"
I think op raised an inconsiderate brat, and now she's paying for it. She's making excuses for her, then wondering why her daughters a b****. When ur a parent, u make the rules. Kids don't have to like them, just abide by them.
So many stories here about families where parents just decided to marry without even creating any relations with the step children or doing any activities for the step siblings to get to know each other. Gives me Step by step feeling. I dont get those ppl. Just why
Not enough information. How long did the date before getting married and moving in? Why is this suddenly an issue. Husband seems like an issue. Threatening divorce? He suddenly is worried about the environment for his daughter? Essentially is displacing the eldest. Something more is up with this.Who owns the house? Etc.
All of them, except the little girl, are making mistakes. And this may be an unpopular opinion, but that's one selfish teenager.
Whatever about the daughter not liking the husband what is her problem with a child? Really what is her problem. She's a self serving, narcissistic entitled brat. She want the extra money but didn't want to have to "deal" with the child. Just what kind of person is she? She wanted her mother to remain faithful to her 14yrs dead father! Shameful behaviour. I see the husband's point of view, who would believe a 17yr would treat a little child this way.
NTA your house your rules. If she can't learn to be civil with the people that also live in the same place as her, then she doesn't need to live there.
I may be in the minority, but I vote NTA. You were wise to back off, since your daughter clearly has no interest in getting to know her step-family. However, skipping out on birthdays and barely conversing with them is blatantly rude. Your daughter's behavior is more inclined to that of a seven-year-old, one who is accustomed to being the only child. She refuses to share her space with anyone else, even a disabled child. She needs to grow up. NOW. As far as babysitting goes, hire a sitter fluent in ASL, and tell your daughter that her services are no longer required. Then pay for her dorm room at college. If she protests, shut it down immediately. Tell her that she can't have it both ways; her coldness towards her step-family has reached its limit with you, and will no longer be tolerated. You are not choosing another family over her, nor are you forcing her to like them. You're just asking her to be civil.
Seriously? Skipping birthdays and not talking to people is being civil. She isnt starting fights or anything, but you think cause the mother chose the father she has to act like she cares about them?
Load More Replies... I'm still stuck on her saying the little is "disabled" just because she's deaf and how that's apparently an acceptable reason for the teen to not like her? There's for sure more going on here, it's not like people move in together/get married without introducing families (regularly) so there should have been obvious signs long before things got to this point. How much time does he spend with the teen trying to be a part of her life? Hopefully he's not trying to treat them both the exact same thinking that that's 1) appropriate 2) going to be effective. And for mom? Is this the first person she's dated since the dad's death? Has she made sure to talk to and with the teen and reassure her that 1) she's still "staying true" to the dad 2) she's allowed to want to still have a bigger family, especially after all these years.
NTA. If she wants to continue to earn money babysitting, then she MUST learn at least the basics. In case of an emergency, she needs to be able to talk to and understand her stepsister. If she chooses not to learn, then she must make money some other way. It's been you and her for as long as she can remember. Now she has these people changing the status quo at a pretty hard time for any teen. Family therapy for ALL 4 OF YOU can help. Make your daughter go to at least find a way she can come to terms with the changes, either with the family or alone. Your stepdaughter is the one who will be hurt the most unless things change. She's old enough to realize stepsister doesn't like her and she has no idea why. Hubby has to watch out for her, but divorce should be his last resort
The husband is NTA for considering divorce! He has a very young disabled child who is and should be his biggest priority in life! That child could be injured or killed while under the care of a spoiled brat who can’t be bothered. If it was me, I’d want my child AWAY from this poisonous person. And Mom is not much better than the daughter. She’ll be 18 in 2 weeks? Fine. She’s an adult now, she can look after herself. But since Mom apparently didn’t teach her brat to take responsibility for herself, or learn to care about or be protective towards someone who needs help, she’s not gonna have a good time. It’s called getting exactly what she deserves.
As someone who lost a parent, I think Daughter is holding on to a lot of resentment, anger and unrealistic expectations for the whole situation. Expecting her Mom to be loyal to a man who passed away 14 years ago shows an immaturity in understanding her feelings. Counseling is in order for that as well as the obvious resentment she feels towards the steps. I think these are all interconnected. Daughter is the AH for punishing a 7 year old for her own feelings of resentment. Yes, Mom should have made sure dtr was OK with new marriage and ss, but really, the girl is turning 18, going off to college and leaving home. Did she expect her Mom to sit on the sofa, just awaiting her magnificent return? Dtr is immature, doesn't know how to handle her feelings and is making a 7 Y/O miserable. I wonder how she'll feel after a couple of counseling sessions?
I'm brainstorming as I read all these comments...and have a potential 'outside the box' alternative solution that this family could try: the hearing impaired child is +7 years old, so she should be able to read... Why couldn't the teenager use a voice-to-text app to communicate with this young girl? Surely, the family has cell phones, tablets, etc....The teenager wouldn't feel forced to accept/ tolerate another change being forced in her ..the 2 of them could communicate....and, perhaps, theyight find that they have things in common, and could blend together. ***I'm a career nurse, and have had to use Google translate, voice-to-text & message boards often throughout my 30-year career.
I do not like it when anyone is mean to a child. I think the daughter is rude and that the mom is parenting out of guilt. The stepdad should be more concerned about how his daughter is being treated by this rude almost adult. I remember when my husbands son ( then 11 ) said he will not come to visit unless My son (then 3) and I are at home. My husband told him, he will be missed. He missed one weekend only.
They have 17-year-old who doesn't know sign language in charge of a deaf 7-year-old she doesn't like. You could probably convince me that this is child abuse.
Doesn't the mother after all those years as a lone widow deserve a chance at a different kind of happiness.How much and how long should she sacrifice or deny herself some personal life.Her daughter isn't going to stay home and forfill her needs nor should she.Only the daughter refused to try
NTA. The mom's even paying for the dorm if she chooses to move out. It's not unreasonable to ask her to learn basic ASL for the sake of a child's mental health who is a permanent part of the household
Esh. You hired un unqualified person for the job in the first place. She sucks because she doesn't want to make any effort to help you out even though she is accepting your money. If she doesn't want to be a part of your family when she's 18, free her. Don't provide for her. I would love a good excuse to learn ASL. The program at my state University had a waiting list. Even though it's a terrible show with terrible writing I loved watching Switched at birth and trying to pick up some ASL through that. Your daughter is a numbskull for not wanting to learn a beautiful, expressive language and has some issues only a trained therapist can deal with. You've paid her(should have paid someone else) but she took the job and your money. She's out.
I don’t think the daughter is in the wrong. This all could have been established beforehand had the newly married couple—once they came to a realisation that this was serious—told their children. The daughter may not have learned it while OP did because OP knew about all of this a lot longer than her daughter did, which is an a-hole move. Secondly, there is clearly more than meets the eye. If the husband threatens divorce to the OP over her child’s actions, then I guarantee the father can be a little b***h to OP’s daughter, putting his daughter’s needs above her own when, in reality, they are both just as important (being deaf does NOT mean that you need priority, it just means that there needs to be a different form of communication). OP doesn’t see this unequal treatment, as she herself puts her step-child over her daughter’s needs.
NTA, in fact, I think you’re being very reasonable. Besides the fact your daughter should be willing to make an effort to communicate with everybody in the household, you’re right about demanding any caregiver to learn to communicate properly with the one she’s sitting. So, if she sits for SD as a “job”, she should make the extra effort with ASL
Have they even asked the SD if she feels some type of way about it all? The father threatened divorce over basically another adult not wanting to be involved in his child's life?? Does that child even care?? If they thought ASL was a necessity then why let her babysit BEFORE she learned then turn it into an ultimatum? She must not be ignoring the little girl entirely while watching her so either she can read writing or lips and if they can communicate like that it's better than the daughter forgetting ASL in an emergency and making a bad situation worse.
I think op should see recordings of the babysitting if they have any or get something to record with to see what the daughter may be saying to the step daughter.
I'm not even reading this, the headline is enough. DIVORCE????? The sanctity of marriage, the ridiculous vows people still say.....divorce is just too damned common.
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