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75 Divorced People Share The One Thing They Wish Someone Had Told Them Before The Wedding
Nobody walks down the aisle thinking they will end up in a divorce Reddit thread. You walk down the aisle thinking about the flowers, the speech, and whether the caterer has sorted the vegetarian option. Divorce is never part of the plan, which is exactly why people who have been through it have so much to say about "the plan."
Netizens asked divorced people what they wished they had known before the wedding, and the thread is one of the more useful documents on the internet for anyone who is currently engaged, recently married, or simply curious about what people on the other side learned the hard way. Sadly, someone had to go through it; the least we can do is listen and learn.
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#1
My friend going through a divorce admitted she wanted the wedding, not the marriage. She had pics published in magazines, went over the top wherever she could. She needed a reason to celebrate herself and feel special. PLEASE know you do not have to have a wedding to justify a white tie soirée.
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#2
I knew she was volatile, but it wasn't really directed at people. Her antics were funny and seemed mostly performative. It wasn't until we had a child that I really understood just how disturbed she was. Seeing her direct her rage at our infant son isn't something I'll ever forget.
#3
Their credit score, we went to apply for a car loan shortly after and mine was 800+ theirs was like 250. I immediately knew they couldn't be trusted with finances. They said I was being controlling while they hid payday loans. Luckily I was young and got out quickly.
I told my current GF even if we get married our bank accounts will be separate and I would get a prenup. we can have a joint account to pay shared bills.
One of the most consistent themes across the thread is not infidelity or incompatibility as you'd expect. It is the things people noticed before the wedding and talked themselves out of. Research from the University of Washington found that the information needed to predict whether a relationship will succeed is almost always available before marriage, and that the couples who divorce report, in retrospect, having had doubts they dismissed as nerves.
Dr. John Gottman has studied couples for over four decades and can predict divorce with 94% accuracy from a single conversation. "People often know something is wrong long before they are willing to admit it," he said. So regardless of whether the venue was already booked, the red flags were there, and your gut was screaming at you.
#5
Love is only a part of it. If you're not compatible in many other ways, you're destined for failure. Sure: money, religion, politics, having kids. But also other things. If one of you is doing 95% of the cooking and cleaning, that person is going to be tired and cranky all the time and there are going to be arguments and resentment.
David Paterson 2 hours ago (edited)
Why do some people have such a pathological fear of germs? If you're doing too much cooking and cleaning, then cook instant meals. The world isn't going to blow up if you vacuum half as often.
#6
All that trauma from her childhood would catch up with her and bring everything down.
Gottman's most significant finding is the Four Horsemen, the four communication patterns that predict the end of a relationship reliably. Number one is criticism, landing blows on the partner's personality rather than their behavior. Next is contempt, which includes eye-rolling, sarcasm, and treating a partner as inferior.
Defensiveness is next: refusing to accept any responsibility. And stonewalling, the complete emotional shutdown during conflict. Of the four, contempt is the single most reliable predictor of divorce, which means the partner who rolls their eyes during an argument is sending a more significant signal than most people register at the time.
#7
While many of these comments are from victims of violence and I don't intend to downplay that, the number of people who blame their ex for all of their problems and don't do any self reflection on how they wish they could have had a wiser perspective is startlingly h**h.
As for me... I wish that I had known just how much my trauma had affected me, and that faith and prayer are not enough. In fact, I wish I had known that prayer, really, mostly just affirms one's own gut feelings and biases. If I had had half the growth I have had since then, I could have reduced the pain we put each other through immensely, or even just not gotten married in the first place.
lenka 10 minutes ago
This statement "I wish that I had known just how much my trauma had affected me" is huge. Childhood trauma can sometimes be triggered by the craziest things at seemingly random moments. It can leave you incapacitated and/or completly unable to engage with your partner. It's hard. And it takes a special partner to hold that all together.
#8
I wish I had known what BPD was and how to spot the signs of it in someone.
David Paterson 1 hour ago (edited)
BPD as in bipolar disorder? Or BPD as in Borderline Personality Disorder? Having a partner with Borderline Personality Disorder is h*ll, it's only a small step short of psyc*path. If you deduce that someone has Borderline Personality Disorder then run, just run.
#9
That she may or may not have truly been in love with me when she said that she wanted to get married and she did so thinking that I would be the one to “save” her from herself.
She ended up being disappointed over the years until she emotionally checked out and allowed another dude to come between us and our marriage.
She then broke up with me, blindsided and traumatised our kids. Destroying whatever we were trying to build in the first place.
That marriage and kids with someone doesn’t make them entitled to your life. I treat her as if she’s a distant relative these days. I’m a single parent and she hardly sees the children. They too treat her like she’s a passerby to our lives. No longer integral or relevant to our present and future lives.
Money is where the majority of marriages go quiet before they go wrong. A survey by SunTrust Bank found that finances are the leading cause of stress in relationships, cited by 35% of respondents, ahead of every other source of conflict. But the problem isn't always just about how MUCH (or little) money there is. It is the difference in values around money, one person spending freely while the other saves anxiously, or one person hiding purchases while the other demands financial transparency.
Couples who have explicit conversations about money before marriage, about debt, spending habits, financial goals, and who pays for what, have measurably lower divorce rates than those who assume they will figure it out as they go. Spoiler: They do not figure it out as they go.
#10
- You inherit your spouse problems
- marrying for the persons potential in the future is the most risky thing you can do. Bet on yourself than your to be spouse
- The red flags with in-laws become bigger over time
- You can divorce early if you realize that the person is not going to change
- Your spouses issues are not your fault and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it
- Married life should make you happy overall (yes it’s never perfect and takes hard-work). it shouldn’t make you more depressed and anxious.
#11
Before you decide to get married, make sure the other person is someone who you can have a deep conversation with about anything. Find out if they are a good listener and take general interest in what you're saying.
If they tune you out, can't let you finish a sentence, and try to change the subject, then Run. They are selfish, and selfish people will ruin your love for them.
#12
That having kids, even if you both want them, often makes things harder in ways you don’t think about.
I love my kids, but having our 2nd irrevocably changed my wife’s demeanor and mental and physical health. Her and our marriage never recovered.
Thankfully, we’re still friends and our split was mostly amicable and we’re co-parenting from different homes. But yeah, lots of tears and therapy before getting here.
Roughly 70% of divorces in the United States are filed by women, climbing to 90% among college-educated women. Research from the American Sociological Association found that women in heterosexual marriages report lower relationship quality on average than their husbands, are more likely to identify problems in the relationship, and are more likely to initiate the conversation about those problems.
The marriages that end are disproportionately the ones where those conversations were not received well. The women in this thread who say they wish they had paid attention to how their partner handled being told something difficult are pointing at the same data from a personal angle.
#13
So, unique position. I'm number three. From what my wife has shared over the past: She did not love husband one, terrible mistake and he became stalkery. Hubby 2 was a great friend and companion until their daughter was born, then his selfishness went into overdrive. For myself, I met the kiddo around 6 months in. I like this kid immediately and I was a father of two young men at this point. I just connected with the kiddo as I was falling for her mother. It's been tough but great. I expect the "YOU ARENT DAD" any day now, but it hasn't come. She's just been sweetness and light fir me.
#14
She would tell small lies, just to make any small inconveniences go away. As the years went by the lies got bigger and more frequent.
#15
Would’ve been nice to know she faked the pregnancy to get me to marry her in the first place. Didn’t find out till the divorce.
The average marriage that ends in divorce lasts eight years, which means the problems visible in retrospect were present and compounding for the better part of a decade. The "seven-year itch" has a basis in research, with studies showing a dip in marital satisfaction around years five to seven as the neurochemical effects of early romantic love stabilize and the relationship settles into its actual daily shape.
The person you marry in the honeymoon period is not the person you will be having a disagreement with about the dishwasher in year six. Meeting that person before the wedding would have been useful, so listen when people warn you about this.
#16
Wife had bpd, never agreed to even accept regardless of psychiatrist or psychologist sessions. Ended up being violent for every little mistake by the husband that ended up making the husband feel worthless and have an inferiority complex. Until it ended, for peace.
David Paterson 1 hour ago
Borderline personality disorder is only a small step away from psych*path.
#17
Before the wedding, I thought my fiancé saving every receipt was cute. During the divorce, I learned the shoebox was labeled "evidence."
#18
That she had ADHD, BPD, and had monkey-branched in every relationship she'd had in her life. You're not gonna believe what happened.
Premarital counseling offers an incredible return on investment if you are a numbers person. Research found that couples who participate in premarital education programs have a 30% lower divorce rate than those who do not, and report higher levels of communication quality and relationship satisfaction in the years that follow.
Despite this, only around 30% of couples who get married in the US attend any form of premarital counseling, largely because it carries the implication that something is already wrong. The reframe that researchers suggest is straightforward: you would not buy a house without an inspection. The inspection is not an insult to the house.
#19
That I could have said no.
That may sound stupid, but the pressure to get married was so incredibly h**h, there was no way I could see for me to not go through with it.
#20
I wish I would have noticed how nothing was ever their fault in their eyes.
David Paterson 1 hour ago
There's a positive and a negative side to this. The green flag is if they use this to avoid making mistakes. The red flag is if they blame someone else (eg. family member or government or big business) for their own failings.
#21
That divorce can, indeed, happen to you, no matter your best intentions going in. And it's likely not going to be easy and clean.
David Paterson 2 hours ago
It can be easy and clean. Mine was. It gets messy when children are involved.
#22
I wish we talked about the future more because I knew I couldn't have children and told my ex-husband as such when we started dating at 18 and reiterated it again when we got married at 25... He said he didn't care. That he loved me.
Flashforward 10 years, he leaves me in May and divorces me in July saying that I pulled one over on him.
The people in this thread who mention personality differences almost universally describe the same arc. The trait that seemed charming or interesting before marriage became a source of sustained friction after it. Research on personality compatibility consistently finds that similarity in core values, not personality type, is what predicts long-term relationship satisfaction.
Two introverts can be miserable together. Two people with completely different temperaments but identical values around family, ambition, and honesty can build something that lasts. The thread is full of people who had the same personality and different values, which turns out to be the harder combination to work with.
#23
I didn't understand that some people literally don't have the ability to think from another person's perspective. I thought I could just keep explaining and something would click for my husband and he would treat me better.
#24
That I would always come in third place when it came to his time and attention. His job was first, then his children (even after they became adults), then me/our marriage. For ten years.
The question underneath most of the answers in this thread is not "what did I miss" but "what did I see and choose not to act on." Relationship psychologist Dr. Alexandra Solomon, who teaches a course on marriage at Northwestern University and has written extensively on what she calls "relational self-awareness," argues that most people enter marriage with a detailed vision of the wedding and a vague outline of the life that follows it.
"We spend more time planning the party than the partnership," she has said in interviews. The party lasts one day. The partnership, in theory, lasts the rest of your life, and the people in this thread are the evidence that the planning ratio probably needs adjustment.
#25
That my partner and I had different ideas about what marriage actually was.
I think we all have a lot of implicit asumptions about what married life actually looks like and how everything works, and it's not until after we are married that we realise that we were not agreeing to the same things. Some of it is big things, like whether getting married automatically means having children or combining finances.
#26
That my fear was not unfounded. His resistance and struggles to discuss his difficult feelings would indeed be our demise.
Before the wedding I asked him to go to therapy to work on that. For himself and for me.
When he blindsided me with divorce he did it crying and telling me he wished he had listened to me but now it was too late.
Love was not enough.
#27
To trust my instinct. I knew the marriage wouldn't work out but went through with it anyway.
David Paterson 1 hour ago
Nope. Everyone gets cold feet going into marriage. Instinct is notoriously unreliable. Trust logic.
The people who shared their experiences in this thread did not do so to serve as cautionary tales. They did it because the information is useful and they had to learn it the hard way. None of what they describe is obscure or unpredictable in retrospect. The signs were there; they just chose to book the venue anyway.
If even one person reads this thread and asks the question they have been putting off, has the conversation they have been putting off, or simply pays a little more attention to the eye-roll, then the people who shared their stories did something truly valuable with what they went through.
Have you learned something valuable from your divorce? Tell us in the comments!
#28
Getting divorced is a lot harder than getting married.
David Paterson 1 hour ago (edited)
In my case, easier. Only harder when child custody issues occur.
#30
That though we will always be who we were when we committed ourselves to each other with tears in our eyes, our idea of life changes as we mature.
I can never not be the person that seeks adventure, loving the excitement of tomorrow being unknown.
They will always need the safety of predictability and the comfort of knowing whats next in life.
It doesn’t mean that we didn’t absolutely love the things out of each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. We meant it, but as we grew, we realized that sometimes compromising ourselves to appease the one we love, breeds contempt.
She went on crazy adventures with me, and I settled down with her. We tried to be what the other wanted because we loved being with each other and deserved to be with the person they wanted. After twenty something years it was apparent that we would be living a life of lukewarm satisfaction until she passes peacefully in her sleep and I drown trying to swim out to where I can barely see land, just to find out if I can make it back.
Marriage is a story, its safety and adventure into the unknown of what makes life wonderful. It teaches us about trust, and compromise. It teaches us how to put someone before our selves.
If you love this person, nothing will top the regret you will hold if you don’t at least give it a try. Even the heartbreak of realizing it doesn’t work doesn’t compare to the heartbreak of never giving all of yourself to the one you love.
#31
That it wouldn't fix the gargantuan issues we had. We made our wedding day so bright and shining hoping to hide how deeply broken we both were.
#32
You are marrying into the whole family. If your MIL doesn't like you before the wedding, she will hate you after.
#33
Not divorced yet but... that the only reason he married me was to keep me away from a religious organization (which I left anyway). And that he doesnt believe in or subscribe to standard definitions of what marriage IS, while letting me think everything was a normal as it appeared on the surface.
David Paterson 1 hour ago (edited)
This doesn't make sense. There are no "standard definitions", you make it up as you go along.
#34
I wish I knew how good some people are at hiding their mental illnesses.
#35
My spouse can be happy without me.
I didn't make him happy.
Much to my surprise. Life's goes on.
#36
When your inner knowing knows, it is not a kindness to hang on… it is a kindness to let them move on.
As they say - the longer you entertain what’s not for you, the longer you postpone what is.
#37
#1 - you need to meet the parents. If one has a body type that is a major turn off, run
# 2 - this too will pass, don’t get legally complicated.
#39
That he is never going to grow or change and that he really is the bad person he says he is.
#40
I guess I wish I'd taken marriage more seriously. I married cos I need a visa to travel with him, and I thought "well since we're already together I guess it makes no difference to be married". Unfortunately it's easy to sign those papers to get married and much harder to end it.
I also wish I'd had the self confidence and self respect to not accept the way he treated me from day one, instead of taking 10 years to have the guts to say no to it.
#41
That compatibility has to be in all the major aspects- financial, how to raise children or if they want children, religious/political beliefs, etc. Just because you're enjoying each other's company or that he's nice during the dating phase, doesn't mean you are compatible enough to be married.
David Paterson 1 hour ago
"financial, children, religious beliefs". Just remember, folks, two out of three ain't bad.
#42
I wish I knew that she didn't know that love isn't just a feeling, it's a choice. It's a choice you make every day. Cupid isn't real, there's no bow and arrow.
I wish I had seen the troubling drinking signs, but we were young, young people drink.
I wish I hadn't written off that her mother was having an affair.
#43
You divorce the worst version of them
Also, if you start any business get a prenup or postnup…. Learned this the hard way.
#44
Don't overlook the red flags, and don't feel pressured by family/society to get married. Don't settle for less than you're worth.
David Paterson 1 hour ago
Do trust the date your family sets up for you. Parents have more experience of what works and what doesn't.
#45
In ten years your partner will evolve into a very different person and you will feel more alone living with them than you ever felt on your own.
#46
That my second wife is super amazing, kind, patient, hot af. Go thru with it. Talk to a therapist but dont give up until you gave up last time. All will work out. This is a test that makes you stronger.
#47
that issue you have before marriage… isn’t gonna go away
Seriously, it will become a 10 year argument.
#48
their true colors when everything is falling apart.
#49
Listen to your gut and ignore everyone else's expectations for your life. Don't be afraid to live your life true to who you are and what you want. You deserve so much more.
#50
That it was ok not go through with it. I was too embarrassed to call it off. Biggest mistake of my life.
#51
That all the red flags I thought she'd grow out of, were just who she was. They weren't just a phase.
#55
Not to pick a life partner when you are a teenager because your brain is not developed yet.
David Paterson 1 hour ago
Depends. If you do pick a life partner when young, pick someone you've known since childhood.
#57
That no matter how much you give, it’s not going to be enough to hold it together if they aren’t giving back.
#58
I was married for 32 years. My ex's sister called me when she found out. She told me that on the day of the wedding, she asked her sister if she loved me, is she sure. My ex told her "I know he will take care of me" and she explained to that I had a stray dog, what we now call "rescues", that was a real difficult dog, but I was devoted to it. On that, she figured I'd always take care of her. The key was she did not tell her sister that she loved me. I wish my ex-sister in law told me.
During the wedding reception, my ex told my mother, "Now that we're planning on having children, your son will not be needing dogs, so we'll find a place that will take them." My mother told her "If you want him to stick around, you will not mention that, ever'. My mother told me that 20 years later when she and my ex had a quarrel. I wish she told me during the reception.
TLDR: There were at least two people who should have spoken up, but kept silent. They were wrong.
#59
That her commitment level wasn’t the same as mine. That she could be so greedy and self centered. That she wouldn’t take her vows as sacred as me.
#60
Not to do it before you are at least 30 years old. Someone in their 20’s is a “grown up”, but you don’t really settle into who you are until you are much older.
#61
That a lot of men’s expectations change as soon as that license is filed. Once we were married, all of a sudden my ex expected me to take on all chores but cooking (because he liked it), make as much money and work as much as possible (I’m disabled with multiple things), and basically never have problems. Essentially once he “secured” me it became clear he just wanted a mommy-bang-maid. Never would’ve guessed that beforehand, unfortunately (I was also 23 when I got married. I don’t recommend that!)
#62
That my body was going to change and stop working and I was going to see the disappointment and hurt in the eyes of the person I loved the most as we became roommates. It hurt us both in different ways and I would choose to never put either of us through that.
#64
I wish I would have recognized how much of a train wreck my MIL was and, by extension, how much of a train wreck my ex is. I'm not guilt free, but hey, I should have known better..
#67
That he was a liar. Sometimes there are no signs and you get the rug pulled out from you.
David Paterson 1 hour ago (edited)
This can go either way. If he lies in order to be good, to spare hurting people's feelings, then that's a green flag. If he lies because he enjoys the power it gives him then that's a red flag.
#68
Man that if there something you absolutely despise something someone does and it gets on your last nerve no matter what it is … don’t marry the person. They ain’t changing.
David Paterson 1 hour ago
"They ain't changing". True, but you can change. They chew too loudly - get over it. They don't shower often enough - get over it. They mistreat small animals - drop them like a hot potato.
#70
When you fell out of love, it was real. Don't stick around and marry him hoping the feeling will come back.
#71
To stick to my principles and not get married because of pressure.
I knew it would be a waste of time. The relationship is all that matters, I dont need a ring or a ceremony to be committed. All it did was complicate things legally.
What could have been a simple breakup ended up being an expensive and involved process.
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