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After Refusing To Come Home, Teen Found Out He Missed A Surprise Vacation To Hawaii
InterviewSometimes parents have to deal with their children who don’t want to come home at a certain designated time. However, it might come back at children when they find out they missed out on something great by doing so. At least this happened to this Redditor, who was staying at his cousin’s when he accidentally noticed that his mom ordered some beach supplies from Amazon and checked her location only to find out that she was in Honolulu, Hawaii on a vacation solo, as he didn’t want to come back home… The teenager asked online, who was a jerk here?
More info: Reddit | M.Ed. Annie Fox
RELATED:
A teenager quarreled with his mom about coming home, got shocked after he checked her location the next day
Image credits: Anna Shvets (not the actual photo)
His parents have shared custody, so on Sunday, his mom texted him to ‘pick clothes’ when coming to stay with her
Image credit: u/Express-Breakfast948
Image credits: Dmitry Zvolskiy (not the actual photo)
Image credit: u/Express-Breakfast948
The teenager wanted to know if his mother had any plans, but she told him it didn’t matter as it was her week
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
The boy preferred to stay with his cousin as they already had plans and he didn’t want to sit at home all day
Missing out on something is not the most pleasant of feelings. In fact, we would love to miss out on this one. Either way, every time we choose one thing, we miss all the other things we could be doing instead. It’s just… not all of them are trips to Hawaii and this boy’s mom knew it!
The livid teen brought it to the Reddit community to decide who was a jerk in this situation, which ended with his mom on a Hawaii trip and him left with no proper vacation. The 16-year-old explained that after their divorce, his parents had shared custody and his mom texted him on Sunday to bring his clothes when coming from his dad’s place.
While the boy inquired why he needed to bring clothes and if his mom had some plans, his mom remained secretive about it and only noted it was her week anyway, so according to her, it did not matter whether she had some plans.
Either way, the teenager was hesitant to go back to his mom’s place. He gave his reasons that he already had plans with his cousins and did not wish to stay home, especially with his room at his mom’s place occupied by his other cousin.
After quarreling back and forth with his mother, the teen stayed at his cousin’s. He was just checking something on Amazon when he noticed some beach supplies delivered to his mom. As he checked the location, the teenager found out his mom was in the middle of Honolulu, Hawaii having a solo vacation that he missed.
Rachel Ehmke for Child Mind Institute listed tips for parents wishing to keep their parent-child relationship strong during the tricky time of teenage years of their children, when kids are doing exciting new things, but they’re also “pushing boundaries (and buttons) and throwing tantrums.” Which is related to the developmental task of asserting their own independence.
Ehmke also distinguished teenage years as the time when children are beginning to make decisions about things that have real consequences – she listed school, friends, driving, among others. However, as teens are not yet very good at regulating their emotions and tend to be impulsive in their decisions, having a healthy and trusting relationship with their parents is crucial.
The teenager was staying at his cousin’s when he noticed his mom’s order on Amazon
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
It was a delivery of beach supplies and checking the location, he figured out his mom was in Honolulu, Hawaii!
Ehmke suggested listening to your children, noting that they are more likely to share when they don’t feel pressured. Similarly, Debbie Pincus for Empowering Parents suggested refusing the urge to quickly judge the teenager according to what you think they should be doing or thinking, but trying to really understand their reasoning by putting yourself in their shoes first and actually listening to what they have to say. In such a way, teenagers can open up instead of feeling that that they have to defend themselves against you.
Another point brought up by Ehmke was showing trust and not being a dictator, as teens naturally want and need to be taken seriously by their parents. Having faith in your kids and showing it will boost their confidence and faith in themselves, making them more likely to rise to the occasion. Finally, even though teens tend to push boundaries, parents still get to set the rules, but they are expected to explain them, to make them reasonable and understandable for their kids.
In order to better understand this specific development of events between the mother and her teenage son, Bored Panda reached out to M.Ed. Annie Fox, who is a tween and teen parenting expert and an award-winning author, and she kindly agreed to share her insights.
Ms. Fox drew attention to communication issues here as “there seems to have been a major breakdown between mom and her son,” and emphasized that “without good communication, it’s impossible to maintain a healthy relationship (the only kind worth having).”
Ms. Fox explained that while she understands “the enjoyment that parents get out of ‘surprising’ their kids with special gifts and/or experiences,” according to her, in this case, being too mysterious “was a mistake,” because “the son is sixteen years old. Not six!” For this reason, it is natural that “he has his own social life and the right to know what he’s being offered so he can make an informed decision.”
Ms. Fox wondered if the boy’s mother was hurt by his not wanting “to drop everything to be with her without knowing anything about the plans,” as she “‘snapped’ when he started asking questions.”
“This whole blow-up could have been avoided if mom had simply let her son in on the vacation plans,” Ms. Fox noted and shared her recommendations, as well as hope that after the mother returns “the two of them can have a calm, respectful conversation (without blaming each other or interrupting).” She elaborated that “It would be a good thing for them to be honest about what went down and what was going on at the time. That way, in the future, they can do a better job of communicating, respecting each other, and getting their needs met.”
To find more on teen parenting as well as insights for teens by Ms. Annie Fox, please visit Annie Fox’s Blog, Family Confidential podcast, and her website.
Redditors gave their takes on the mama’s trip and overall situation
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What do you think ?
MiriPanda 2 years ago
"Son, I know having your cousin staying in your room for so long is a nuisance for you, so I have a little surprise for you. I won't tell you what, but bring a few sets of summer clothes when you come back and don't make plans for a week *wink wink*". Now THAT might have put a smile on his face and get him exited and still be a surprise. But just telling him to bring clothes over could also have a" I had you out of your room already, now I am putting you out of the house and into a hotel" vibe to it. And to have a cousin taking his room for many weeks without his consent and only a couple of days notice was a b***h move...
Shawna Burt 2 years ago
Might be an odd point to get stuck on, but why couldn't the cousin sleep on the couch, instead of taking over OP's room?
Rain Anderson 2 years ago
It's kind of a traditional thing that guests will always get the best of things. Obv the bed is better .
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IDGAFabtUrFeelings 2 years ago
Punished is too strong of a word. Chances are she was keeping it a surprise. Wanted him to be home and as his mother chances are she felt it was enough to ask him to show up. Obviously as a young kid he didn't want to given the circumstances, but I get where the mother is coming from too that asking so many times to have her son come home which is to really spend time with her and have him refuse hurts. She didn't want him just to come for the trip, but to think of it as coming home to spend time with mom.
Karen Klinck Klinck 2 years ago
i get the weird feeling that it's not as nice as he's making out to be--he's siding with Dad on the divorce issue, he thinks Mom's a b---- because she doesn't automatically bow to the Superior Male (his father or him) and he'll go there if he feels like it. If it's shared custody she gets no support from Dad, so she paid for all this herself--and Hawaii isn't cheap! Good for Mom!
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deanna woods 2 years ago
Even as a 37 year old, if my mom tells me that she needs me to come to her house, I just go. He would have figured out what was going on once he got home. Instead, he decided to pick an argument with his mother.
Loren Pechtel 2 years ago
But mom gave away his room for the summer. That's making him feel pretty unwelcome. I suspect he intended to stay away until his room was available again and I wouldn't blame him one bit. A thousand "I love you"s means nothing against making him sleep on the couch for six weeks.
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Nancy Marine 2 years ago
I don't know about this one... I mean, it WAS his mom's week to have him and it sounds like she was trying to surprise him with a trip to Hawaii, but he allowed his pig headedness get in the way of said surprise.
Ron Baza 2 years ago
“Your cousin is having your bedroom. When you come ‘home’ you will be sleeping on the couch. No, you will have no say in the matter. Yes, you could just stay at your Dad’s place where you actually have a bed and bedroom. Doubtless you’ll bound back joyfully when I order you to return with no explanation.” In fairness to him, he’d already been handed one surprise by his mother and it stank.
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Hphizzle 2 years ago
I side with the kid on this one. Hmm… a bed and probably own room to sleep in, vs a couch to sleep on. I think I’ll stay were I have a bed. Also, cryptic “bring some clothes” in no way equates to ‘We’re going on a Hawaiian vacation’. A simple ‘it’s my week with you, let’s go to Hawaii’, would have made a huge difference in a teenager’s decision process.
Kitty Cat 1 year ago
We're also taking the word of an angry teenager that this is literally all she said, which I don't buy for a moment. She probably said it in several different ways, and he didn't intend to listen or hear what she was saying. He says she got frustrated several times, why do you think she was frustrated? It doesn't come out of a vacuum.
Load More Replies... Marno C. 2 years ago
Giving his room away for the summer was a sure way to make him feel pretty unwelcome at his mom's house. Refusing to give him any information or answers to his questions (and being crabby about it) would make him feel further unwelcome. Yeah, it was her week to have him, but she was sending out some pretty passive aggressive signals that she didn't want him. I think she wanted this outcome. She's mad at him and passive aggressive and uncommunicative about it. Hawaii or not, being on vacation with someone who is acting like that is a complete drain.
B.Nelson 2 years ago
I'm going with the devils advocate comment. Mom was probably making up for the fact that the cousin took the room.
Stephanie Goadsby 2 years ago
The cousin didn't take the room, the Mom gave it to her. Thus showing priority for the cousin over her own child. True colours.
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Nice Beast Ludo 2 years ago
He already had plans as well. He just wanted to know if it was worth sleeping om the couch and missing out on his plans. Mom is spiteful and petty
Lee Stone 2 years ago
"He had plans" is pretty rude when it's your mother's visitation week. She shouldn't have to argue or convince her minor child to come home when she becomes the responsible parent. Also, who cares if he has to sleep on the couch for a few weeks? It's 50/50 custody, so 3 months is already reduced to 6 weeks (and possibly less if dad has more favorable summer visitation because mom might have more favorable school year time). Then, she pays for a surprise trip to Hawaii for a week. Y'all must have had some amazing childhoods with being able to dictate when you came home, where you slept, and and expecting your parents to clear all vacations with you. That's literally insane.
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Cynthia Barrow-Giles 2 years ago
Am I missing something here? Was it not her time to supervise the young man? He chose to go to his cousins and not his mom. It is called opportunity cost. He enjoyed his cousins and lost out on a vacation. I do not see the punishment. That is life!
Libstak 2 years ago
I have a niece that when arguing could talk your ear off before you could get 3 words out in response to anything she says. I can see how something like this might happen tbh. The OP may have responded quickly with all their issues not allowing more than short bursts from mum trying to get practical things going like pack clothes, come home etc. If mum kept getting cut off by tirade after tirade she wouldn't be much in the mood to have a "I have a wonderful surprise for you" moment in the conversation.
Ron Baza 2 years ago
Two people fail to communicate. Both suffer, to differing extents and in somewhat different ways. Possibly neither will learn their lesson.
Janet Howe 2 years ago
Wow. Far too much s**t happening here all at once. This could have ended differently. First, why is OP's cousin staying with them and WHY did OP have to give up his room? Let cousin sleep in the couch. Then, it seems mom was pretty flighty. Whether she thought she would surprise OP with a trip to HI, she was a bit screwy. Why not just tell him they were going. AND, mom and dad share custody. Did dad know she had a trip planned? She really has no right to take the kid out of state without telling the dad. Mom has proven she's pretty unpredictable. This could have been handled so much better. When OP acted like he didn't want to come home, she should have told him the plans. Did she get the money back for his plane ticket, or was she leaving that to chance also? I will never understand people like this. They can't seen to communicate to each other at all. I'm beginning to wonder if she really wanted to take the kid with her in the first place.
Karen Klinck Klinck 2 years ago
First--he let it slip that Mom said, "It's my *week*." If he spent a month with this dying relative, she already missed out on at least 2 visitations. I'll bet Dad gives the kid whatever he wants. Given his attitude towards her, I'd bet those weeks weren't the first he'd casually stayed somewhere else. Chances are good she hadn't seen him in who knows how long, so she did a favor for another family member. Even while attempting to put himself in the best light possible, he came across as an entitled brat. He was busy. So he missed out. His fault. He's a *minor*--when a parent who has custody says, 'do this', he'd better learn to do it until he's 18.
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Sara Wilson 2 years ago
Sounds like she was trying to surprise him. Bottom line, he is a kid, not an adult. He doesn't get to always dictate what happens in life and his parents homes. Sounds like mom gave him a choice and he made it, and is now upset. OF COURSE if he knew there was a trip to Hawaii, he would have gone home, but I can kinda understand moms point of not wanting to have to "bribe" him into spending time with her. Kids upset because he missed out on a trip because he wanted to b a pissy kid and wants to be validated. I'm guessing he went around to family and friends and didn't get it, so tried the internet. Usually people will include if those families have an opinion about it. He didn't, so my guess is they were ok with what mom did
Nancy Marine 2 years ago
I can't get over how so many commenters here are failing to see he says he'll come home if he knew about the trip. No one is seeing that a parent shouldn't have to dangle a carrot in front of their kids every time they want to be listened to... SMH
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Karen Lyon 2 years ago (edited)
It's a push. Lost in all this "Mom should have told him" is that fact that he made plans to hang out with his cousins during a week when he should have been spending time with his Mom. As for losing his room, he did say he was in another family member's house a lot helping to take care of someone who was ill. (He doesn't say how long he was there, but since he's sixteen, I think he purposely "fudged" a bit on that little item by using the term "last days". My question is "Yeah? How many exactly would that be?") Having said that, Mom was being s***y. There's nothing wrong with saying, "I have a big surprise for you that you will love"....or just tell him and let that be the surprise. My brother had to do that for one of my birthdays. He bought tickets for the two of us to see our favorite NFL team against a big rival for my 45th. He had to tell me what he asked if I could stay that weekend until after the late game on Sunday, and I hedged for work reasons. He'd really wanted to hand me an envelope with tickets, unannounced. It was still a surprise, though!
Seabeast 2 years ago
A coworker once told us of a friend of his who took off for an entire summer, hitchhiking around the country. (This was in the early 70s when that was a common thing.) He never phoned or wrote to his parents even once the whole time and came back to find they'd sold the house and moved out while he was gone.
Rob Tobi 2 years ago
First .. you never hand over your child's room to a cousin .. don't care if there's no space.. they can sleep on the couch .. my kid.. my kids room . 2nd .. if your kid isn't budging on the thrill of sleeping on the couch for a week and having his own personal space off limits than maybe as the Adult and parent you grow up and tell them .. listen I am planning a surprise and you won't need your room .. pack for beach weather.. you don't need to tell where . .. it will still be a surprise.. but to just argue & poorly communicate.... like what a waste of money to just go on and leave him behind and worse yet , as the parent to be so stubborn and pig headed to not ruin the surprise you rather Ruin the vacation and damage the mother/child relationship is just petty and childish.
Karen Lyon 2 years ago
@Rob Tobi: I agree with the poorly communication issue. Not sure I'm on board with the not making your kid give up their room. When my sister and her first husband divorced, she moved in with one of my brothers, who was raising three boys. While she lived with them, the oldest one bunked with the younger two, who are twins. It's bad enough living out of a suitcase, having to sleep on the couch while doing it makes it worse. The idea that this couldn't do without his room for a few months is silly. Being inconvenienced for awhile isn't going to kill him. What was bad about that, again, was the poor communication. Expecting your kids to put themselves out for a guest isn't crossing a line, dude.
Load More Replies... Jim Ramsey 1 year ago
Remember, we’re only hearing one side of this controversy, suspect there is more to this than related by this self centered entitled teen…extreme lesson of FAFO…
Chris Riccardino 1 year ago
YTA. You were the one being stubborn. she had a surprise for you. You ruined it on your own, but hey, hopefully you had fun at your cousins. Just curious... did you sleep on a couch there?
Richard Jung 1 year ago
Sounds like another spoiled, highly indulged, immature child. Maybe he'll learn to do as told not as he wishes.
Christine Stewart 1 year ago
Mom, "Son, come on over" Son, "No". Mom, "Okayyy, byyeee"- gets on plane, goes to Hawaii... Actions have consequences- I get that the son is miffed to be "kicked" out of his room for the cousin to stay there all summer, but for him to refuse to come to the mom's house when it is her visitation week, well, that is on him, to miss out on the trip to Hawaii...
Perry Chamberlain 2 years ago
Thank God my child is not a teen anymore. I personally can't stand being in the room with any one between the ages of 12 and 25. They are just annoying. This selfish kid got what he deserved.
Exotic Butters 2 years ago
I totally hope mom made son reimburse her for his portion. I mean, what an obnoxious kid, won't come home when his own mom tells him too and then cries about what he missed. I hope mom stood her ground.
Karen Klinck Klinck 2 years ago
You notice Dad wasn't too happy with what he pulled, either. Not what the mother did, what the *kid* did.
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Shadow 2 years ago
YTA sorry bud, but 1) you're still not an adult 2) you don't get to make the rules 3) but you do get to live with the consequences of being a punk to your mother. Like it or not, She is your mother. She pays for your upkeep. She and your father. Quite frankly, why, WHY??? Would she or anyone want a disrespectful, rude, nasty person, whom she would have paid for to go on a wonderful vacation with her? I'd leave your attitude back at home also! And hey, guess what? Sounds like your room is free and clear now. Also, in regards to your cousin, if you had a sit down with mom, rather than a meltdown about cousin staying, you could have suggested a cot, an air mattress or other arrangements but no, pouting at dad's was your go-to. Mom probably wanted to leave the kids at home.
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
I kinda get both sides. She wanted to spring it on him, and is disappointed; he's an idiot kid. She's hurt; he's hurt. Now hug each other, communicate clearly in future, and everyone put on their adult undies, maybe?
Althea Armwood 2 years ago
Sorry but YTA. He's old enough to make choices and he chose not to go. If he didn't want to spend time with his mom doing nothing at home then him acting like he had better things to do showed him maybe to sometimes just listen to your mom.
Skye Ragsdale 2 years ago
He had plans already. He should just... Cancel them for no reason? He didn't choose not to go on vacation because he didn't know anything about it.
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TM McKeny 11 months ago (edited)
Agree with the last comment, he f****d around and found out. He could have just gone to his mom's to hang out withher for the day if his room wasn't available. She also gave him the option of going to the cousin's. He said he had already made plans, even though it was his mom's turn to have him, so it just sucks to be him.
Jenn Green 11 months ago
I hope mom had a great solo trip without an ingrate hanging around sucking all her joy.
M G----no 1 year ago
Since he's a teenager, there's a good chance not everything is being said here. There's a good chance he was snarky from the get-go and his mom only reciprocated due to his attitude. There's probably a history of him not doing as he was asked as well. Maybe this was the last straw for her, that she didn't want to spend her vacation with a smartass kid who didn't appreciate what she did for him. It's probably not something she did easily either - leaving him cost her the ticket.
Craig Reynolds 1 year ago
ESH, with a side order of YTA for the kid who played FAFO and found out. The kid refuses to go to his mom's house when it is her weekend for visitation. He is 16 and has no legal right to refuse. The mom is too tight-lipped about the trip. She says to bring clothes but refuses to say why. She could have at least said she had a surprise trip planned and left it at that. The way she acted gives me some idea of why she is divorced.
Yvonne Jocks 1 year ago
This is why Reddit's AITA (Am I the Jerk) forum has a vote of ESH -- Everybody S**ks Here. The communication is terrible. That said, the mom is the adult, so she carries more responsibility.
Kathy Richardson 1 year ago
Yeah, you are TA. This is your mother, whom has shared custody, and she told you to bring clothes. She probably didn't tell you about the trip because of the disappointment/heartache she would have felt knowing that the only reason you came to her house was a free trip to Hawaii. You chose not to spend time with your mom, and she chose to go to Hawaii without you. I would have done the same. You sound like an entitled, ungrateful wretch of a son.
Kitty Cat 1 year ago
I'm getting serious vibes that this is not the first argument mom and him have had over where he's going and when. Mom sounds utterly frustrated with arguing with him, plans something super nice for him, and then what does she get? More pettiness and bitterness over a room issue, and no flexibility whatsoever. I wonder how many times she's reached out and he's slapped her hand away, or sided with his father in the divorce. Maybe she finally thought to herself "I don't want to argue with him the entire trip," and made the command decision not to tell him.
J McDonald 1 year ago
Should have shown up, would have got to go to Hawaii. Decided to be a pain and missed out. I'm guessing Mom was tired of his teenage attitude and although she had planned a really nice surprise, decided he didn't deserve it.
Jackie Butts 2 years ago
The thing here, is that we are hearing one side of the story from a 16 year old. I am sure there was a lot stuff that happened prior to this, that led Mom to this point. If it was her turn for custody, and she asked him to come to her home, then he should have be cooperative. There is a lot more here then meets the eye (and at 16 he is going to leave out anything that puts the blame on him)
Janelle Collard 2 years ago
OP's 16 so I understand his point of view. I do not understand why mom couldn't just tell him "Trip to Hawaii!"
ginshun 2 years ago
mom sounds like a psycho to me. I had daughter who was split 50/50 placement, and I would never have dreamed of going to Hawaii without her, or without even telling her. I don't know, maybe there is some missing context or other dynamics going on here, but that is batshit bonkers if you ask me.
White Sauce Hot Sauce 2 years ago
Bay Area weather is quite different from Hawaii weather. Mom can't just tell her son to "bring clothes" and expect him to be ready for a tropical vacation.
Lee Stone 2 years ago
No, it's not. Depending on where you live in the Bay the weather is quite different, but even in SF where it's coldest, the weather is quite temperate and people just wear light layers during the summer. Hawaii was maybe 10-15F warmer on average than what we'd usually expect that time of year, but partner and I wore *exactly* the same clothes on our trip and had no problem the 3 weeks we were there.
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Mireille Oosterhof 2 years ago
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Which counts for both of them....
Marie Bellwood 2 years ago
This guy be power struggling with his mom. She doesn't owe him an explanation, but it would certainly have helped. Wonder where he got his crappy communication style
Adam Black 2 years ago
Interesting that the author of this article is clearly biased. I don't think I'll be reading anything from this website again.
AMaureen Dance 1 year ago
So, wait.The cousin is going with the mom? Perfect! Go home, and take your room back. Put all his stuff in the lifing room.
Craig Reynolds 1 year ago
Am I missing something here? Op is 16, which means he is a minor and must do as he is told. It is mom's week for custody and he has no legal right I am aware of to be able to refuse to come to her home. Op played the "Trifecta of Stupid" and lost big time. "Stupid is as stupid does", leading to "FAFO", resulting in "stupid getting what stupid deserves." If you are going to act like a rebel, don't be surprised when there are consequences...
Primrose Jones 1 year ago
So you are annoyed for missing the trip rather than missing time with your mum when she already said is off work. YTA for needing the bribe of a holiday to want to spend time with your mum and glad she realised this and went without you.
Connie Smets 2 years ago
You're both sorta a-holey. Terrible communication skills and attitudes.
Deborah B 2 years ago
Does mum have BPD or something? Refusing to communicate, explain your actions or explain what you want, then acting out when you don't get the behaviour you want, sounds like she's the a*****e. Teenagers are going to be difficult, and prefer to spend time with their friends than their parents. Dealing with that is part of being a parent. She should have said "I understand you aren't keen to come over, when someone else is using your room, and you already have plans with your cousins. I'm not asking you to come here to sit around the house alone while I'm at work. I've taken the week off, and I'm taking you on holiday. I wanted to surprise you with it. Pack your beach stuff for a week, and I'll pick you up." The kid is probrably has some normal teenage attitude, and wants you to explain why he needs to do something rather than you expecting him to do it 'Because I say so'. He's a tiny bit the a*****e, but the big a*****e here is mum.
Nancy Marine 2 years ago
We're only hearing the side of a 16 year old kid who is angry he missed out on a trip to Hawaii because he had his head up his backside so far he couldn't see straight.
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Helen Morgan 2 years ago
If a divorced parent wants custody, they need to provide a bedroom with a door, in most states, esp to opposite sex child. The kid needs to smarten up.
Rain Anderson 2 years ago
Why are you downvoted? Though I am gonna say not just opposite sex , it should be for all genders .
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Kate D 2 years ago (edited)
Are you sure she was truly planning to go on this trip then and there, and didn't get last minute tickets to make you think she had this planned all along and make you regret not doing what she wanted you to? Does she have a history of behaviors you suspected of being veiled punishments? If so, don't let her know it worked and you were bothered by her actions... it's probably what she wants. You might want to look into narcissistic personality disorder just in case... because this is the type of unhinged things these people will totally do to "get back" at someone they felt slighted by.
Skye Ragsdale 2 years ago
Children are PEOPLE with their own thoughts, desires, and feelings. Expecting blind obedience is controlling. If your mom told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?
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Beachbum 2 years ago
No, you don’t need permission or a passport to travel in the US. Geez
Load More Replies... MiriPanda 2 years ago
"Son, I know having your cousin staying in your room for so long is a nuisance for you, so I have a little surprise for you. I won't tell you what, but bring a few sets of summer clothes when you come back and don't make plans for a week *wink wink*". Now THAT might have put a smile on his face and get him exited and still be a surprise. But just telling him to bring clothes over could also have a" I had you out of your room already, now I am putting you out of the house and into a hotel" vibe to it. And to have a cousin taking his room for many weeks without his consent and only a couple of days notice was a b***h move...
Shawna Burt 2 years ago
Might be an odd point to get stuck on, but why couldn't the cousin sleep on the couch, instead of taking over OP's room?
Rain Anderson 2 years ago
It's kind of a traditional thing that guests will always get the best of things. Obv the bed is better .
Load More Replies... IDGAFabtUrFeelings 2 years ago
Punished is too strong of a word. Chances are she was keeping it a surprise. Wanted him to be home and as his mother chances are she felt it was enough to ask him to show up. Obviously as a young kid he didn't want to given the circumstances, but I get where the mother is coming from too that asking so many times to have her son come home which is to really spend time with her and have him refuse hurts. She didn't want him just to come for the trip, but to think of it as coming home to spend time with mom.
Karen Klinck Klinck 2 years ago
i get the weird feeling that it's not as nice as he's making out to be--he's siding with Dad on the divorce issue, he thinks Mom's a b---- because she doesn't automatically bow to the Superior Male (his father or him) and he'll go there if he feels like it. If it's shared custody she gets no support from Dad, so she paid for all this herself--and Hawaii isn't cheap! Good for Mom!
Load More Replies... deanna woods 2 years ago
Even as a 37 year old, if my mom tells me that she needs me to come to her house, I just go. He would have figured out what was going on once he got home. Instead, he decided to pick an argument with his mother.
Loren Pechtel 2 years ago
But mom gave away his room for the summer. That's making him feel pretty unwelcome. I suspect he intended to stay away until his room was available again and I wouldn't blame him one bit. A thousand "I love you"s means nothing against making him sleep on the couch for six weeks.
Load More Replies... Nancy Marine 2 years ago
I don't know about this one... I mean, it WAS his mom's week to have him and it sounds like she was trying to surprise him with a trip to Hawaii, but he allowed his pig headedness get in the way of said surprise.
Ron Baza 2 years ago
“Your cousin is having your bedroom. When you come ‘home’ you will be sleeping on the couch. No, you will have no say in the matter. Yes, you could just stay at your Dad’s place where you actually have a bed and bedroom. Doubtless you’ll bound back joyfully when I order you to return with no explanation.” In fairness to him, he’d already been handed one surprise by his mother and it stank.
Load More Replies... Hphizzle 2 years ago
I side with the kid on this one. Hmm… a bed and probably own room to sleep in, vs a couch to sleep on. I think I’ll stay were I have a bed. Also, cryptic “bring some clothes” in no way equates to ‘We’re going on a Hawaiian vacation’. A simple ‘it’s my week with you, let’s go to Hawaii’, would have made a huge difference in a teenager’s decision process.
Kitty Cat 1 year ago
We're also taking the word of an angry teenager that this is literally all she said, which I don't buy for a moment. She probably said it in several different ways, and he didn't intend to listen or hear what she was saying. He says she got frustrated several times, why do you think she was frustrated? It doesn't come out of a vacuum.
Load More Replies... Marno C. 2 years ago
Giving his room away for the summer was a sure way to make him feel pretty unwelcome at his mom's house. Refusing to give him any information or answers to his questions (and being crabby about it) would make him feel further unwelcome. Yeah, it was her week to have him, but she was sending out some pretty passive aggressive signals that she didn't want him. I think she wanted this outcome. She's mad at him and passive aggressive and uncommunicative about it. Hawaii or not, being on vacation with someone who is acting like that is a complete drain.
B.Nelson 2 years ago
I'm going with the devils advocate comment. Mom was probably making up for the fact that the cousin took the room.
Stephanie Goadsby 2 years ago
The cousin didn't take the room, the Mom gave it to her. Thus showing priority for the cousin over her own child. True colours.
Load More Replies... Nice Beast Ludo 2 years ago
He already had plans as well. He just wanted to know if it was worth sleeping om the couch and missing out on his plans. Mom is spiteful and petty
Lee Stone 2 years ago
"He had plans" is pretty rude when it's your mother's visitation week. She shouldn't have to argue or convince her minor child to come home when she becomes the responsible parent. Also, who cares if he has to sleep on the couch for a few weeks? It's 50/50 custody, so 3 months is already reduced to 6 weeks (and possibly less if dad has more favorable summer visitation because mom might have more favorable school year time). Then, she pays for a surprise trip to Hawaii for a week. Y'all must have had some amazing childhoods with being able to dictate when you came home, where you slept, and and expecting your parents to clear all vacations with you. That's literally insane.
Load More Replies... Cynthia Barrow-Giles 2 years ago
Am I missing something here? Was it not her time to supervise the young man? He chose to go to his cousins and not his mom. It is called opportunity cost. He enjoyed his cousins and lost out on a vacation. I do not see the punishment. That is life!
Libstak 2 years ago
I have a niece that when arguing could talk your ear off before you could get 3 words out in response to anything she says. I can see how something like this might happen tbh. The OP may have responded quickly with all their issues not allowing more than short bursts from mum trying to get practical things going like pack clothes, come home etc. If mum kept getting cut off by tirade after tirade she wouldn't be much in the mood to have a "I have a wonderful surprise for you" moment in the conversation.
Ron Baza 2 years ago
Two people fail to communicate. Both suffer, to differing extents and in somewhat different ways. Possibly neither will learn their lesson.
Janet Howe 2 years ago
Wow. Far too much s**t happening here all at once. This could have ended differently. First, why is OP's cousin staying with them and WHY did OP have to give up his room? Let cousin sleep in the couch. Then, it seems mom was pretty flighty. Whether she thought she would surprise OP with a trip to HI, she was a bit screwy. Why not just tell him they were going. AND, mom and dad share custody. Did dad know she had a trip planned? She really has no right to take the kid out of state without telling the dad. Mom has proven she's pretty unpredictable. This could have been handled so much better. When OP acted like he didn't want to come home, she should have told him the plans. Did she get the money back for his plane ticket, or was she leaving that to chance also? I will never understand people like this. They can't seen to communicate to each other at all. I'm beginning to wonder if she really wanted to take the kid with her in the first place.
Karen Klinck Klinck 2 years ago
First--he let it slip that Mom said, "It's my *week*." If he spent a month with this dying relative, she already missed out on at least 2 visitations. I'll bet Dad gives the kid whatever he wants. Given his attitude towards her, I'd bet those weeks weren't the first he'd casually stayed somewhere else. Chances are good she hadn't seen him in who knows how long, so she did a favor for another family member. Even while attempting to put himself in the best light possible, he came across as an entitled brat. He was busy. So he missed out. His fault. He's a *minor*--when a parent who has custody says, 'do this', he'd better learn to do it until he's 18.
Load More Replies... Sara Wilson 2 years ago
Sounds like she was trying to surprise him. Bottom line, he is a kid, not an adult. He doesn't get to always dictate what happens in life and his parents homes. Sounds like mom gave him a choice and he made it, and is now upset. OF COURSE if he knew there was a trip to Hawaii, he would have gone home, but I can kinda understand moms point of not wanting to have to "bribe" him into spending time with her. Kids upset because he missed out on a trip because he wanted to b a pissy kid and wants to be validated. I'm guessing he went around to family and friends and didn't get it, so tried the internet. Usually people will include if those families have an opinion about it. He didn't, so my guess is they were ok with what mom did
Nancy Marine 2 years ago
I can't get over how so many commenters here are failing to see he says he'll come home if he knew about the trip. No one is seeing that a parent shouldn't have to dangle a carrot in front of their kids every time they want to be listened to... SMH
Load More Replies... Karen Lyon 2 years ago (edited)
It's a push. Lost in all this "Mom should have told him" is that fact that he made plans to hang out with his cousins during a week when he should have been spending time with his Mom. As for losing his room, he did say he was in another family member's house a lot helping to take care of someone who was ill. (He doesn't say how long he was there, but since he's sixteen, I think he purposely "fudged" a bit on that little item by using the term "last days". My question is "Yeah? How many exactly would that be?") Having said that, Mom was being s***y. There's nothing wrong with saying, "I have a big surprise for you that you will love"....or just tell him and let that be the surprise. My brother had to do that for one of my birthdays. He bought tickets for the two of us to see our favorite NFL team against a big rival for my 45th. He had to tell me what he asked if I could stay that weekend until after the late game on Sunday, and I hedged for work reasons. He'd really wanted to hand me an envelope with tickets, unannounced. It was still a surprise, though!
Seabeast 2 years ago
A coworker once told us of a friend of his who took off for an entire summer, hitchhiking around the country. (This was in the early 70s when that was a common thing.) He never phoned or wrote to his parents even once the whole time and came back to find they'd sold the house and moved out while he was gone.
Rob Tobi 2 years ago
First .. you never hand over your child's room to a cousin .. don't care if there's no space.. they can sleep on the couch .. my kid.. my kids room . 2nd .. if your kid isn't budging on the thrill of sleeping on the couch for a week and having his own personal space off limits than maybe as the Adult and parent you grow up and tell them .. listen I am planning a surprise and you won't need your room .. pack for beach weather.. you don't need to tell where . .. it will still be a surprise.. but to just argue & poorly communicate.... like what a waste of money to just go on and leave him behind and worse yet , as the parent to be so stubborn and pig headed to not ruin the surprise you rather Ruin the vacation and damage the mother/child relationship is just petty and childish.
Karen Lyon 2 years ago
@Rob Tobi: I agree with the poorly communication issue. Not sure I'm on board with the not making your kid give up their room. When my sister and her first husband divorced, she moved in with one of my brothers, who was raising three boys. While she lived with them, the oldest one bunked with the younger two, who are twins. It's bad enough living out of a suitcase, having to sleep on the couch while doing it makes it worse. The idea that this couldn't do without his room for a few months is silly. Being inconvenienced for awhile isn't going to kill him. What was bad about that, again, was the poor communication. Expecting your kids to put themselves out for a guest isn't crossing a line, dude.
Load More Replies... Jim Ramsey 1 year ago
Remember, we’re only hearing one side of this controversy, suspect there is more to this than related by this self centered entitled teen…extreme lesson of FAFO…
Chris Riccardino 1 year ago
YTA. You were the one being stubborn. she had a surprise for you. You ruined it on your own, but hey, hopefully you had fun at your cousins. Just curious... did you sleep on a couch there?
Richard Jung 1 year ago
Sounds like another spoiled, highly indulged, immature child. Maybe he'll learn to do as told not as he wishes.
Christine Stewart 1 year ago
Mom, "Son, come on over" Son, "No". Mom, "Okayyy, byyeee"- gets on plane, goes to Hawaii... Actions have consequences- I get that the son is miffed to be "kicked" out of his room for the cousin to stay there all summer, but for him to refuse to come to the mom's house when it is her visitation week, well, that is on him, to miss out on the trip to Hawaii...
Perry Chamberlain 2 years ago
Thank God my child is not a teen anymore. I personally can't stand being in the room with any one between the ages of 12 and 25. They are just annoying. This selfish kid got what he deserved.
Exotic Butters 2 years ago
I totally hope mom made son reimburse her for his portion. I mean, what an obnoxious kid, won't come home when his own mom tells him too and then cries about what he missed. I hope mom stood her ground.
Karen Klinck Klinck 2 years ago
You notice Dad wasn't too happy with what he pulled, either. Not what the mother did, what the *kid* did.
Load More Replies... Shadow 2 years ago
YTA sorry bud, but 1) you're still not an adult 2) you don't get to make the rules 3) but you do get to live with the consequences of being a punk to your mother. Like it or not, She is your mother. She pays for your upkeep. She and your father. Quite frankly, why, WHY??? Would she or anyone want a disrespectful, rude, nasty person, whom she would have paid for to go on a wonderful vacation with her? I'd leave your attitude back at home also! And hey, guess what? Sounds like your room is free and clear now. Also, in regards to your cousin, if you had a sit down with mom, rather than a meltdown about cousin staying, you could have suggested a cot, an air mattress or other arrangements but no, pouting at dad's was your go-to. Mom probably wanted to leave the kids at home.
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
I kinda get both sides. She wanted to spring it on him, and is disappointed; he's an idiot kid. She's hurt; he's hurt. Now hug each other, communicate clearly in future, and everyone put on their adult undies, maybe?
Althea Armwood 2 years ago
Sorry but YTA. He's old enough to make choices and he chose not to go. If he didn't want to spend time with his mom doing nothing at home then him acting like he had better things to do showed him maybe to sometimes just listen to your mom.
Skye Ragsdale 2 years ago
He had plans already. He should just... Cancel them for no reason? He didn't choose not to go on vacation because he didn't know anything about it.
Load More Replies... TM McKeny 11 months ago (edited)
Agree with the last comment, he f****d around and found out. He could have just gone to his mom's to hang out withher for the day if his room wasn't available. She also gave him the option of going to the cousin's. He said he had already made plans, even though it was his mom's turn to have him, so it just sucks to be him.
Jenn Green 11 months ago
I hope mom had a great solo trip without an ingrate hanging around sucking all her joy.
M G----no 1 year ago
Since he's a teenager, there's a good chance not everything is being said here. There's a good chance he was snarky from the get-go and his mom only reciprocated due to his attitude. There's probably a history of him not doing as he was asked as well. Maybe this was the last straw for her, that she didn't want to spend her vacation with a smartass kid who didn't appreciate what she did for him. It's probably not something she did easily either - leaving him cost her the ticket.
Craig Reynolds 1 year ago
ESH, with a side order of YTA for the kid who played FAFO and found out. The kid refuses to go to his mom's house when it is her weekend for visitation. He is 16 and has no legal right to refuse. The mom is too tight-lipped about the trip. She says to bring clothes but refuses to say why. She could have at least said she had a surprise trip planned and left it at that. The way she acted gives me some idea of why she is divorced.
Yvonne Jocks 1 year ago
This is why Reddit's AITA (Am I the Jerk) forum has a vote of ESH -- Everybody S**ks Here. The communication is terrible. That said, the mom is the adult, so she carries more responsibility.
Kathy Richardson 1 year ago
Yeah, you are TA. This is your mother, whom has shared custody, and she told you to bring clothes. She probably didn't tell you about the trip because of the disappointment/heartache she would have felt knowing that the only reason you came to her house was a free trip to Hawaii. You chose not to spend time with your mom, and she chose to go to Hawaii without you. I would have done the same. You sound like an entitled, ungrateful wretch of a son.
Kitty Cat 1 year ago
I'm getting serious vibes that this is not the first argument mom and him have had over where he's going and when. Mom sounds utterly frustrated with arguing with him, plans something super nice for him, and then what does she get? More pettiness and bitterness over a room issue, and no flexibility whatsoever. I wonder how many times she's reached out and he's slapped her hand away, or sided with his father in the divorce. Maybe she finally thought to herself "I don't want to argue with him the entire trip," and made the command decision not to tell him.
J McDonald 1 year ago
Should have shown up, would have got to go to Hawaii. Decided to be a pain and missed out. I'm guessing Mom was tired of his teenage attitude and although she had planned a really nice surprise, decided he didn't deserve it.
Jackie Butts 2 years ago
The thing here, is that we are hearing one side of the story from a 16 year old. I am sure there was a lot stuff that happened prior to this, that led Mom to this point. If it was her turn for custody, and she asked him to come to her home, then he should have be cooperative. There is a lot more here then meets the eye (and at 16 he is going to leave out anything that puts the blame on him)
Janelle Collard 2 years ago
OP's 16 so I understand his point of view. I do not understand why mom couldn't just tell him "Trip to Hawaii!"
ginshun 2 years ago
mom sounds like a psycho to me. I had daughter who was split 50/50 placement, and I would never have dreamed of going to Hawaii without her, or without even telling her. I don't know, maybe there is some missing context or other dynamics going on here, but that is batshit bonkers if you ask me.
White Sauce Hot Sauce 2 years ago
Bay Area weather is quite different from Hawaii weather. Mom can't just tell her son to "bring clothes" and expect him to be ready for a tropical vacation.
Lee Stone 2 years ago
No, it's not. Depending on where you live in the Bay the weather is quite different, but even in SF where it's coldest, the weather is quite temperate and people just wear light layers during the summer. Hawaii was maybe 10-15F warmer on average than what we'd usually expect that time of year, but partner and I wore *exactly* the same clothes on our trip and had no problem the 3 weeks we were there.
Load More Replies... Mireille Oosterhof 2 years ago
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Which counts for both of them....
Marie Bellwood 2 years ago
This guy be power struggling with his mom. She doesn't owe him an explanation, but it would certainly have helped. Wonder where he got his crappy communication style
Adam Black 2 years ago
Interesting that the author of this article is clearly biased. I don't think I'll be reading anything from this website again.
AMaureen Dance 1 year ago
So, wait.The cousin is going with the mom? Perfect! Go home, and take your room back. Put all his stuff in the lifing room.
Craig Reynolds 1 year ago
Am I missing something here? Op is 16, which means he is a minor and must do as he is told. It is mom's week for custody and he has no legal right I am aware of to be able to refuse to come to her home. Op played the "Trifecta of Stupid" and lost big time. "Stupid is as stupid does", leading to "FAFO", resulting in "stupid getting what stupid deserves." If you are going to act like a rebel, don't be surprised when there are consequences...
Primrose Jones 1 year ago
So you are annoyed for missing the trip rather than missing time with your mum when she already said is off work. YTA for needing the bribe of a holiday to want to spend time with your mum and glad she realised this and went without you.
Connie Smets 2 years ago
You're both sorta a-holey. Terrible communication skills and attitudes.
Deborah B 2 years ago
Does mum have BPD or something? Refusing to communicate, explain your actions or explain what you want, then acting out when you don't get the behaviour you want, sounds like she's the a*****e. Teenagers are going to be difficult, and prefer to spend time with their friends than their parents. Dealing with that is part of being a parent. She should have said "I understand you aren't keen to come over, when someone else is using your room, and you already have plans with your cousins. I'm not asking you to come here to sit around the house alone while I'm at work. I've taken the week off, and I'm taking you on holiday. I wanted to surprise you with it. Pack your beach stuff for a week, and I'll pick you up." The kid is probrably has some normal teenage attitude, and wants you to explain why he needs to do something rather than you expecting him to do it 'Because I say so'. He's a tiny bit the a*****e, but the big a*****e here is mum.
Nancy Marine 2 years ago
We're only hearing the side of a 16 year old kid who is angry he missed out on a trip to Hawaii because he had his head up his backside so far he couldn't see straight.
Load More Replies... Helen Morgan 2 years ago
If a divorced parent wants custody, they need to provide a bedroom with a door, in most states, esp to opposite sex child. The kid needs to smarten up.
Rain Anderson 2 years ago
Why are you downvoted? Though I am gonna say not just opposite sex , it should be for all genders .
Load More Replies... Kate D 2 years ago (edited)
Are you sure she was truly planning to go on this trip then and there, and didn't get last minute tickets to make you think she had this planned all along and make you regret not doing what she wanted you to? Does she have a history of behaviors you suspected of being veiled punishments? If so, don't let her know it worked and you were bothered by her actions... it's probably what she wants. You might want to look into narcissistic personality disorder just in case... because this is the type of unhinged things these people will totally do to "get back" at someone they felt slighted by.
Skye Ragsdale 2 years ago
Children are PEOPLE with their own thoughts, desires, and feelings. Expecting blind obedience is controlling. If your mom told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?
Load More Replies... Beachbum 2 years ago
No, you don’t need permission or a passport to travel in the US. Geez
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