People Wondered What A Modern-Day Santa’s Lump Of Coal Would Be, And We Loved The Answers
Ok, we know. There’s a 99,9% chance that something like this has never even remotely crossed your mind. But let’s think about it for a second. The tradition of Santa Claus delivering a Christmas lump of coal to naughty kids has unclear origins, but the theories are all pretty ancient. One of the most popular ones claims that since coal was so commonly used to heat homes, it was easy for Santa to take a piece from the house itself and give it to those kids who caused a little too much trouble that year.
But now? How many homes still use these dark rocks to find some cozy warmth during the harshest winters? We’re not saying it completely disappeared, but Santa Claus would have to come up with some lump of coal alternatives, that’s for sure.
Most Christmas traditions don’t have this problem of anachronism — as long as trees, good food, and ugly sweaters exist — but when it comes to coal, Santa Claus should have adjusted his punishment methods at a certain point. This whole debate was born by an AskReddit post we found that honestly blew our minds for how random but, at the same time, relevant it was.
Is it possible for Santa’s lump of coal to have been updated for the modern era? What if Santa Claus has moved on from this old-fashioned tradition? Or if he decided that the only way to keep up with the times was to get rid of the coal altogether? So many questions that Redditors tried to find a logical answer to. After a careful reading, we collected them all here because the world deserves to know what a modern-day lump of coal would look like. You know, just for the sake of it.
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“Coal was a basic necessity of a household. It was’t glamorous, but it was needed. Like the heat bill. A more tangible representation today would be toilet paper.”
"A frayed iPhone charger that only charges when you hold it in that one position."
"Well, the thing about a "lump of coal" was it was a largely useless/worthless thing (to a kid at least) and very inexpensive (it was bought by the ton, so one lump didn't cost much) that parents already had lying around the house.
So, we're looking for a pretty good-sized thing of very little value that is basically useless to a kid and cheap/free for the parents to unload. It still has to technically be useful (like the coal for creating heat) otherwise you could just wrap up trash, but that wouldn't really be a gift.
Now, there's a chance this won't work because people often don't keep one lying around anymore, but perhaps if you planned ahead it would work. So, with that in mind, I propose the new naughty kid lump-of-coal equivalent be a nice, crisp, fresh copy of the latest telephone book delivered to the house."
I haven't had a phone book dropped at my house for at least 7-8 years
“The wrong phone charger, a game for a different console, a subscription to something that is free.”
"Winrar license."
"A one year membership to the jelly of the month club."
"A participation trophy."
While I understand the sentiment of the OP, it doesn't work now because it's already expected
"Here is a new phone timmy! But it only makes phone calls and texts and the texting is T9!"
"Cassettes."
"Anti-virus software.
Still useful (as coal would have been) but just a terrible gift, especially for a child."
"Give ‘em a big helping of thoughts and prayers. Nothing like giving a an undeserving child a generic holiday card with pre-printed thoughts and prayers and just your signature."
“A piniata full of deviled eggs.”
"The modern time equivalent would be a gift card of 50 cents. It is a gift, and it is not useless, but you can barely buy gum for that amount and it really shows how bad you have been."
"Still coal.
And then the parents and grandparents all sit around them in a circle and laugh about how fossil fuel induced global warming is going to kill them when they grow up."
"1gb mini SD."
"The Emoji Movie..."
Fun Fact: The involuntarily trauma shaking made while watching this actually heats you more than coal.
"Unskippable 30 second ads on every youtube video for the year"
"A old cell phone thats 8 generations old, that is banging around in the junk drawer. No one even has a charger for it anymore because that style plug is obsolete. But no one has the heart to throw it out."
"Nokia 5130. Or a book on building a proper resume. I always felt the coal was something useful, but not fun. "Here is something to keep warm, merry Christmas and do better next year.""
"Random A/C adapters and power bricks that you have no idea what they work for. A bundle of outdated cables. VGA... DVI... RCA..."
"He would not give. He would deny their access to the internet... that'd be a serious punishment for most of today's girls and boys."
"Smart phone with no charging port. Once the battery is gone then it's over. Or a PS classic."
"A singular beet."
“Bootlegs of what they asked for (like a bootleg Pokémon toy, a crazy rip off of a movie they asked for, a Soljaboy console instead of an Xbox, etc.)”
"I mean, coal was still useful then. Imagine being a cold, child, reaching into your stocking Christmas day, and finding coal? Sure, it isn't a present, but you toss it in the fireplace you're standing by because that's where stockings go and get some warmth on a cold Christmas morning.
So, a consumable for a brief period of happiness, that you could already get from your parents most likely?
Your parents change the Wi-Fi password and write the new one on a rock in your stocking. You pull out the rock, enter the new password into your phone and devices, and feel happy for the new password, but also sad that that's all you got."
“I subscribe to the FilterEasy delivery service. They deliver new air filters on a scheduled basis. They did a video of parents pranking their kids by giving them air filters as early Christmas presents. Their reactions were about what you’d expect.”
"Well, coal was useful as a heat source but he only gave a lump. So it would have to be something useful in today's age but only by a little.
Probably an old iPhone cable, the wide kind only people with the old phones have."
"CVS receipts."
"Uh oh Johnny, you better be a good boy, so Santa doesn't take away half of your followers."
“Nothing. They’d get absolutely nothing. Their stocking would remain empty and there’s be nothing under the tree.”
