Trans Teen Says Suits Aren’t Her Thing, Dad And Grandma Still Push Her Into One For A Family Photo

A parent’s job is to love their children no matter what. It’s the kind of love that should be non-transactional, almost unconditional, and unwavering. At least, that’s what we all believe this love should look like.

Unfortunately, things are a little more complicated, and so are humans. We’re imperfect and unpredictable. Still, everyone deserves a loving parent, but some stories shock us with how far things can go. Just like this one, shared by a mother on r/JUSTNOMIL, who revealed that her transgender daughter went to spend the weekend at her dad’s house, only to return with a lifetime’s worth of trauma. Here’s what happened.

Supporting a child’s self-discovery journey is an unquestionable part of being a parent

pvproductions / Magnific (not the actual photo)

But a woman was shocked to find that her conservative ex-husband didn’t feel the same way about their trans daughter

wolfhound9111 / Envato (not the actual photo)

magnific / Magnific (not the actual photo)

magnific / Magnific (not the actual photo)

anonymous

Hair is a representation of the self, and when free will is taken from us, it can lead to severe trauma

This story is unfortunately a direct reflection of the reality many transgender youths face. According to The Trevor Project’s National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health, transgender and nonbinary youth who report having at least one accepting adult in their lives are actually 40% less likely to attempt taking their own lives in the past year. Thankfully, this teenage girl has her mother.

The mother’s support is actually life-saving care, whereas her father’s is unfortunately the very opposite. Psychologists view non-consensual hair cutting as a form of interpersonal trauma. Hair is deeply tied to a person’s self-concept and gender presentation. For a transgender girl, especially one who spent months growing out her hair, having it chopped off can symbolically represent being forced to detransition.

And the fact that two family members, one of whom was her father, did this makes it even worse. Dr. Jennifer Freyd coined the term “Betrayal Trauma.” This refers to situations in which a person depends on someone for survival, but that person ignores their boundaries and betrays their trust or sense of safety. A place that is supposed to feel safe becomes a place where they’re ambushed, potentially leading to hypervigilance and even emotional withdrawal.

katemangostar / Magnific (not the actual photo)

The grandmother doesn’t see her own grandchild as an independent human being

Unfortunately, this shows that even a parent’s love can be conditional. Family therapists often note that physical coercion over gender markers like clothing, makeup, and even hair can communicate conditional love. It shows that the father and grandmother would accept her only as long as she fit the role they had written for her.

And, well, the grandmother shows a common pattern of enmeshment. In rigid family systems, elders may view their children or grandchildren as extensions of themselves rather than respecting their independence as human beings with their own wills. They treated the photo as an untouchable tradition, stripping the teenager of her individuality to maintain an aesthetic fantasy.

Now, under family law in many US states, once a teenager reaches the age of 14 to 16, courts may give considerable weight to their personal preferences regarding custody and visitation arrangements. So the mother’s case may be strong not only because of her daughter’s age, but also because the father failed to safeguard her physical safety.

But do you think the mother is going too far? Or were the grandmother’s actions not that bad, in your opinion? Let us know!

Most readers advised the woman to file a police report against her ex-husband and her ex-mother-in-law

Many others shared their own experiences with dealing with transphobia

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