Woman Can’t Figure Out Why Daughter-In-Law Suddenly Went From Polite To Secretive Towards Her

In-law relationships take years to build, so you’d expect they wouldn’t unravel in just a moment—or even a few. But for one Mumsnet forum user, a once-warm bond with her son’s wife has become brittle and cold.

In a heartfelt post, the lady explained that the bad signs started to appear around the birth of her first grandchild. But she didn’t want to escalate things and hoped they would subside. They didn’t.

Now, the rare visits are dominated by dismissive language and there’s no apparent interest from the daughter-in-law to rectify the situation. So she’s asking the internet if she herself should initiate it.

A good mother- and daughter-in-law relationship benefits the whole family

Woman looking thoughtful out the window, dressed in a patterned sweater, pondering her daughter-in-law's secrecy.

Image credits: Teona Swift / Pexels (not the actual photo)

But this woman and her son’s wife have had a falling out and she doesn’t even understand why

Confused woman wonders why polite daughter-in-law became secretive; text explains their relationship dynamic.

Text discussing changes in behavior after a daughter-in-law's pregnancy announcement.

Text excerpt discussing changes in daughter-in-law's behavior, focusing on being polite and secretive.

Pregnant woman in white clothing touching her belly, focusing on secrecy and relationships.

Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

Text discussing secretive relationship changes between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.

Text about mother-in-law relationship dynamics, describing unequal visit frequency and babysitting requests.

Text discussing daughter-in-law's role at home and challenges in arranging visits.

Woman in white shirt looking thoughtful by a window, symbolizing changing dynamics with daughter-in-law.

Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)

Text screenshot about a woman's concerns regarding her distant daughter-in-law.

Text about daughter-in-law being secretive with mother-in-law over baby nap habits and banana cake.

Text conversation about confusion regarding daughter-in-law's behavior shift.

Image credits: helpamilout

Woman and daughter-in-law sharing coffee, smiling and having a polite conversation in a cozy setting.

Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)

The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law dynamic has a lot of pre-programmed challenges

Part of why in-law relationships can be so tricky is the fact that there is no universal manual for them.

Some partly blame the historical formation of heterosexual family structures for the trope of the meddling mother-in-law.

In some patrilineal societies, parents choose who their child marries, and once married, the daughter-in-law moves in with her husband’s family.

As the senior woman of the household in these arrangements, the mother-in-law is in charge of the domestic duties and gains higher social status and decision-making authority over her daughter-in-law.

“It’s a precarious environment because the new wife is separated from their family of origin and those who may be more protective of her,” says Dr. Gretchen Perry, who spent 25 years in social services work with vulnerable individuals and families, and currently is researching non-parental caregivers.

“Depending on the nature of that circumstance, it can be a difficult, controlling environment, with a lot of conflict.” So again, the omnipresent trope of the meddling mother-in-law is partly a hangover from this setup, where a daughter-in-law is under the thumb of a matriarch.

Today, these kinds of living arrangements are far less common, but according to statistics, a woman and her mother-in-law are more likely to clash than male members of the family.

Psychologist Dr. Terri Apter, who conducted more than two decades of research and summarized it in her book What Do You Want from Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws, found that 60% of women admitted that the relationship with their female in-laws caused them long-term unhappiness and stress. Moreover, two-thirds of daughters-in-law felt that their husband’s mother frequently exhibited jealous, maternal love towards their son. 75% of couples reported having problems with an in-law, but only 15% of mother-in-law/son-in-law relationships were described as tense.

It’s difficult to know what the problem in this particular case is when the author of the post herself doesn’t, but hopefully, she and her daughter-in-law will find a way to get past it.

As people reacted to the story, its author provided them with more information

Discussion about daughter-in-law's sudden secretive behavior, seeking advice on confronting the issue tactfully.

Two forum posts discussing relationship dynamics between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

Text conversation discussing reasons for daughter-in-law's shift from polite to secretive behavior towards mother-in-law.

Text exchange discussing mother-in-law's confusion over daughter-in-law's behavior change.

Reddit post discussing a mother-in-law's confusion over her daughter-in-law's change in behavior.

There were a lot of opinions and advice in the replies

Online advice about daughter-in-law becoming secretive, suggesting communication with son.

Text conversation addressing daughter-in-law's secretive behavior towards her mother-in-law.

Text response discussing why daughter-in-law is secretive, addressing relationship concerns.

Text message discussing interpersonal dynamics between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, mentioning family preferences.

Text discussing daughter-in-law's change from polite to secretive, suggesting conflict and mental load in family dynamics.

Text exchange discussing a woman's concerns about her daughter-in-law becoming secretive.

Comment criticizing daughter-in-law's behavior, suggesting ulterior motives for change in attitude.

Text message discussing possible reasons a daughter-in-law became secretive.

Text explaining changes in energy levels over time affecting social interactions with in-laws.

Comment discussing a mother-in-law relationship, emphasizing a preference for personal childcare over external help.

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