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30 Seemingly Innocent Things People Grew Up With That Were Actually Insane
It takes new experiences and other people's input to understand how your life experiences fit into the context of society as a whole. What you grew up thinking was ‘normal’ might be anything but, for good or for ill. In some cases, the events that happened to you can be so bizarre or traumatic that they can require years of therapy and healing to come to terms with them. Other times, it might be society that has normalized toxic behaviors and approaches.
Some internet users vented their frustrations and opened up about their painful pasts in a thread in the AskReddit online community. They shared the things that they realized were really messed up about their families and society overall, only when they got older. Scroll down to read the stories we’ve collected for you, Pandas.
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#1
Punishing children under 10 for showing up to school late when they rely on their parents/siblings to get them there.
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#2
My Grandma got married at 16 to my Grandfather who was 8 years older than her. She had 6 kids by the time she was 22. The family romanticized their relationship my whole life, but her dying words were “at least I don’t have to deal with HIM anymore” and the truth about him being an abusive piece of s**t for 60+ years surfaced after she passed. It’s a sad reality for many women from her generation.
#3
America. When I grew up I thought it was the best country in the world, and that everyone flourished! Not so much...
When you’re a child, your experiences with life and other people are very limited. It’s only when you start going to school, hanging out with your friends, going over to their place, and having sleepovers that you get a ton more context about how others live. When you get that additional information, you can then start comparing how you’re raised and how your parents behave around you.
In some cases, you’ll realize that you have it pretty good or that there are lot of similarities between you and your friends. Other times, you’ll be envious of your friends because they have more freedom or support. Often, this will be the result of the parenting style that your and other kids’ parents have embraced.
Authoritative parents, for example, offer a balanced approach: they set out clear rules and expectations, but they also communicate openly, take their kids’ feelings into account, and give them love and support.
These parents’ children grow up to be well-adjusted, confident, and independent adults who are socially competent and do well in academics. However, children raised by guardians who embody authoritarian, permissive, or uninvolved (aka neglectful) parenting styles typically don’t do as well in life.
#4
Dads being looked down on for playing with, hugging or kissing their sons.
Dad’s getting the cops called on them for watching/playing with their daughter at the park without their wife there as well.
Mothers having to go back to work early or at night to keep food on the table.
#5
Knowing what mood your parent was in by their footsteps when they came home and making a plan accordingly.
#6
Denying a student's request to use the bathroom during class really makes me reflect on how wrong it is to withhold a basic human right.
Authoritarian parents tend to set very strict rules at home and they expect their children to follow their every command, which restricts their growth as independent individuals. These households are less nurturing and focus on high expectations.
Meanwhile, permissive parents are the opposite. They give their kids plenty of love, warmth, and support, but they do this at the cost of many (if not all) rules and expectations. These parents typically see their children as friends rather than, well, their kids to be looked after and raised with care.
However, it’s uninvolved parenting that potentially does the most harm. These parents are barely involved in their kids’ lives whether due to work, lifestyle, mental health issues, etc. So, their kids are generally left to fend for themselves, with very little support and few guidelines for what (not) to do. This lack of nurture and discipline leads to children developing problems with social relationships, emotional regulation, and academic achievements, though they may also grow to be more resilient and self-sufficient as a result.
#7
That my parents would feed me peanuts to get out of parties. I have a nut allergy.
I didn’t know it was messed up until I told a therapist and the look on her face I was like ohhhh not normal.
#8
I thought all parents were on their best behavior and pretending to be good people in public and that when they got home they were all angry and violent. I learned I was wrong in my early 20s and couldn't process the concept that not everyone's parents were faking their kindness. It still sometimes feels mind-blowing thinking about how so many parents are actually kind and loving towards their kids. It made me really happy learning that some kids actually get to enjoy happy childhoods.
#9
The fact that the US is as big as it is but we only have a 2 party system, whereas other countries that are MUCH smaller have multiple political parties. We are ALL being played from all sides.
Verywell Mind explains that uninvolved parenting can lead to kids displaying deficits in cognition, attachment, emotional skills, and social skills. Furthermore, due to a severe lack of boundaries at home, they might not learn appropriate behaviors at school and in public, so they might misbehave more than others.
Generally, children raised by uninvolved parents can be more anxious and stressed, emotionally withdrawn, have an increased risk of substance abuse, and be afraid of becoming dependent on other people.
What are some things that you’ve personally experienced or seen in society or your family life that you now realize were far from ‘normal’? What did you do once you realized this? If you’d like to open up a bit about this, feel free to do so in the comments.
#11
War. That it exists to begin with. And it’s still going on in the day and age. So disturbing to have zero control to help others.
#12
Fat shaming. My parents would always tell my siblings and I that getting fat is a no go in our family and we should always stay away from people who are overweight. One of my brothers was overweight but not in an unhealthy way. He was just a big guy which was genetically given from my mom side (two of my uncles were also big with good muscle built). I don't know what you call it but my brother had that gene going on. Throughout our entire childhood, my parents will belittle my brother and make him starve to "lose" weight. My parents went as far to have myself and my little brother make fun of him for being "fat" when he wasn't. As we grew older, we eventually start telling our parents off for their toxic behavior. So whenever my parents try to fat shame us, we fat shame them when the opportunity strikes.
And for those who are curious, my brothers and I have a tight relationship now. After enduring so much emotional, mental, and physical abuse from our parents; we got professional help to learn to cope with our feelings better and hang out together when we have the chance.
#15
Being told I had to be nice to the boy that continually asked me out/gave me romantic gifts even though I rejected him politely for years.
From 5th grade (10years old) until sophomore year of highschool (15 years old) this boy asked me out and gave me unwanted gifts and poems for every holiday and school dance. All the teachers and my classmates knew it was going to happen. Literally every adult in my life told me I had to be polite when I turned him down. I didn't have to accept his gifts or go out with him, but I had to consider his feelings when letting him down.
Years later after surviving an abusive relationship, my therapist pointed out how no one considered my feelings back then. And that perhaps, living a third of my life being told I needed to care more about a boy's feelings than my own, worped my perception of my own feelings being valid and that I had a right to speak up for myself.
#16
An informal part of freshman orientation at my high school included the older girls warning the new ones about which male teachers to avoid being alone with.
Relatedly, the art teacher advised us all to wear shorts under our uniform skirts so boys couldn't upskirt us in the stairwells, and there was a nun who roamed the halls during her free periods to pop into other classes and make the teacher stop what they were doing and have all the girls stand up so she could examine the lengths of our skirts.
The school eventually shut down because the teachers kept getting arrested, but that took a decade after I graduated.
#17
Capitalism.
Social media and the way it commodifies literally every human interaction for "likes".
The creation of art with the prime intention of making profit.
#18
Too many pets. It can be all cute and fun as a kid, but then you grow up and realize your mom is a hoarder and the house is a biohazard.
#19
Talking about marriage with a 15 -19 year old. Getting teased that I was an old maid at 21 years old. 21! Religious communities are wild.
#20
Grown men being interested in teenage girls and telling them the reason is because they're so "unusually mature for their age.".
#21
Most of my highschool friends had boyfriends in their mid to late 20s. And then also how acceptable that was to most of the adults around me.
#22
How soul crushing and disparaging it is to work a full-time job and 2 part-time jobs just to keep your family from becoming homeless. And being poor or working-class and trying to figure out ways to keep off the government radar the way rich people do because being taxed for the $300 you made cleaning offices at night after your factory job could mean the difference between choosing between heat or electricity and being able to afford both that month.
My dad worked in the auto industry and was like a machine when he would get laid off of work. He would take whatever s**t temp job he could just to keep us afloat. I've had a few "lean" moments in my life that were nowhere near as desperate as his were and I hope to Christ I'm never in his shoes.
#23
Food insecurity. My parents would wait until we were full to take seconds and sometimes even a first portion. I realized later that they didn’t want us to experience feeling hungry as children.
#24
Hitting animals as punishment for bad behaviour. My parents were extremely abusive towards any and all animals we had when I was a kid. I vividly remember when one of my dogs had nipped at my 1 year old nephew for pulling on the dogs tail, my dad's reaction was to boot the dog as hard as he could down a set of stairs and into a steel door, then punching the dog before sending it off to his crate for the rest of the day. This was just one of hundreds of incidents like that. It took me years of unlearning that behaviour, I cry when I think back to how my beloved pets were treated by my parents and even by myself before I realized how awful that was.
#25
A Kid (in 5th grade) crying and sobbing after he got 94% on his exam. Said his parents needed him to get 96% or up (which is a high A from where I used to live) or else he’d be beaten. The teacher couldn’t really do anything
I didn’t realize how messed up it was until years later when I moved countries.
#26
Alcoholism. Like I didn't see anything wrong with my dad drinking every day, because he was a chill drunk, until I was much much older and realised that no, drinking everyday is not normal.
#27
Having children you can't afford.
So many people, including my own parents, blame the government or billionaires or the low minimum wage or etc, when the reality is you are the person at fault if you can't afford toys or clothes for your kids.
#28
Hitting or screaming at your partner. Until I was almost an adult, I thought a good relationship meant having someone who you could direct all your anger at. They'd do the same to you, and you'd still love each other. I looked forward to that connection with someone else. I thought the biggest issue in my parents' marriage was how they held violence against each other, and they'd be happier if they just accepted how things are.
It took a while to undo that thinking. I still struggle not to associate love with violence or the forgiveness of it.
#30
Someone trying to pay me to cut off my hair when I was younger because they wanted to buy "authentic native American hair.".
#32
Parents making children kiss older relatives on the cheek. It was gross and I hated it. I’m so glad some parents don’t force that on their children anymore.
#33
How sexualized Brittney Spears was when she first got famous. As a middle schooler at the time 16 is practically an adult to you but looking back its creepy how she was turned into an object of desire and had fully grown men ogling her.
#34
That our neighbours heard my dad plaster me across the walls of our house.He was never a drinker or d**g addict,just had a filthy temper and dirty secrets of his own making (at least 1 other family)
I used to wonder why nobody came to help me so assumed it was because they couldn't hear the carry-on.
New people bought the house next door.Turns out the walls weren't so thick after all ....
#35
Becoming my mother's close confidante about her affair with someone other than my father, her husband. She told me the affair was my fault.
#36
Schooling, and the way we teach our children
The way schools work now is just as an assembly line to create more workers
Carl Sagan once said that all children have an unquenchable thrist for knowledge. But by the time someone has graduated high school the average student just hates learning. .
#37
Schools ignoring kid drama till a fight starts then blames it on them when they are aware the kids don't get along.
Pretty much you see a problem but do nothing about it because "that kid isn't part of my class and it's not my problem". Not every kid will "snitch" cuz of fear. Only when the media gets involved, a school will throw down and act like they care about their students as if the school had real professionals.
It's why a lot of us hated school cuz almost every staff was fake AF. (I say almost cuz some teachers were genuinely cool but just seem like they have no power at all).
#38
Presenting yourself as someone unrealistically pristine when first dating someone of romantic interest just to make a good impression. This is partly why I really don't get some social media (Facebook, Insta etc.), too.
#39
Bullying didn't used to be a big deal since everyone asumed victims would grow up tougher, or lame but eventually getting their "cold" revenge as adults so it would be nobody else's problem.
Nowdays, it easilly leads to school shootings and s***ides.
#40
Physical discipline by adults to children. It's just abuse. All I learned from a spanking is to fear my Mother coming down the hall. It took me a long time to forgive her but I will never forget.
#41
My body. I started having sciatic pain around 16. At this I learned I was born with an extra vertebra or joint (not sure which, can not get any professionals to agree and I've stopped caring) in my hip area. So, related. Started getting treatment. Had issues and treated it off and on for decades. Things have just gotten worse, I have some disc compression, arthritis, c**p. I'm only 43.
I don't know that I could've done much to prevent the pain I'm in now, but I wish I'd maybe had a heads up?
#42
When I was younger, I think kids were not really told the full scope of what "counted" as physical abuse. As a kid, I understood it to mean "Do your parents hit you?", specifically in the form of punches/slaps.
Which meant that other things -- pushing, shoving, dragging, grabbing, yanking, punching the air directly next to your head -- were considered *toooootally* fine! No big deal!
#43
Wasting so much time wanting and dreaming of becoming an adult as a kid so "I could do whatever I wanted like adults" with the complete lack of understanding finances, responsibilities, etc.
Should have maximized every minute of being a kid.
#44
Turns out its not normal to sell your house and move every 1.5 years. As a kid, it seemed fun and exciting to go somewhere new, but that was actually my mum's undiagnosed bipolar disorder making her move every time she got bored, and she was sending us bankrupt.
#45
Parents never being home.
My mom works a lot so I just figured my friends had similar situations- single parent grind and all. But no most were just alcoholic gambling addicts that lived at the casinos and preferred pretending like their child didn't exist.
Scary prevalent in Vegas.
#46
Scaring/threatening your kids into compliance.
Seriously, there’s better ways to parent than by traumatizing them over any problem or inconvenience.
#48
How self-sufficient I had to be from a young age. My parents both had to work full time and couldn't afford consistent care for me, so I was on my own majority of the time. I was woken up in the morning before my mom left for work and sometimes dinner was made for me, but that was about it other than my parents checking in on me in the evenings.
It wasn't really their fault entirely, but it's a little messed up how I became a hyper-independent person who is still working on being able to ask or accept help and not feel so fiercely about doing everything myself in my 30's. I catch myself telling childhood stories and it sometimes hits me how screwed up things were even for the 90's.
#49
My mother would whisper scream at me in public while grabbing my upper arm violently (because I needed to go pee and I didn’t wanna go to the restroom alone). That’s messed up.
She would frequently hiss at me any time I needed something or had even a slight attitude as a child, “I love you but I don’t like you.” That’s messed up.
So, pretty much the entirety of my former relationship with the woman who baby trapped my bio father then proceeded to hate me my whole life.
#50
Social isolation.
My parents got divorced and moved a few hours from each other. They were codependent on us kids, and very controlling of our time and keeping us near them. I effectively didn't have friends from the second grade until I went to University.
I struggled for years to form meaningful or lasting relationships. Still do. Once you're behind on this stuff, it's hard to catch up. Spent my 20s learning things and making mistakes most people did in high school. .
#51
When I was a kid, my grandparents used to buy a lot of big fancy fireworks for Fourth of July. They used to have me light them because "I could run away the fastest".
As an adult, after seeing the damage fireworks can do, I am a little horrified they entrusted this task to an elementary school student.
#53
My siblings and I grew up in home where both parents were hoarders. I didn't realize just how bad it was (even though CPS was called once when I was like 12) until I watched the Hoarders show in my late teens.
#54
Growing up, I didn't realize how messed up it was that my parents never talked openly about mental health. It was sort of a taboo topic, and seeking therapy or acknowledging mental health struggles was seen as a sign of weakness. As I got older, I came to understand the importance of destigmatizing mental health issues and the value of seeking help when needed. It's something I wish I had recognized earlier to promote a healthier mindset from the start.
#55
How much my parents drank everyday. I thought it was completely normal to drink a 12 pack or a box of wine per night. My parents keep their lives together and are productive people!
I drank for 6 years and ended up homeless. Been sober a long time now. Alcohol continues to be the biggest wedge in our relationship.
#56
How there couldn't be any alcohol in the house, like if you bought a bottle you drank it in the same day. At least how my parents did it. It was like candy to kids, if they knew it was there, they got to have it.
#57
My family dynamic and a lot of neglect I experienced. My mother isolated herself and therefore her children from the entire family. I didn’t realize it wasn’t normal to not leave the house for days or weeks on end as a kid. Of course, during the school year, I would go to school but otherwise literally never left the house. During the summer, there were no family visits or barbecues or family functions of any kind. As I got older, my mother remarried and almost entirely forgot about me. I couldn’t join any school clubs or activities. Couldn’t play sports. Couldn’t see friends. My entire life was my room, which I wouldn’t leave for literally weeks on end during the summers. I hated my f*****g life and blamed myself for so long but I am realizing now how awful my mother was. I am incredibly resentful and have basically no relationship with her anymore. And, because of her, no relationship with any extended family whatsoever. It’s been lonely.
#58
Work not understanding that people and their children get sick as well as the immediate push for children to be more independent.
#61
Older men hitting on teenage / underage women
I know this sounds f****d up to say & like everyone knows it’s wrong / weird now days. But at 15yo my mindset was s**t to say the least. I blame it on growing up in a pretty conservative household and small town and the values that placed on me as a woman.
ANYWHOO - When I was younger I would take it as a compliment when old men would cat call, holler, hit me up on Instagram. I even went out with a guy that was 24 when I was 18. (Come to find out later down the road that he was 28)
It took that 28 yo man posing as a 24 year old and me realizing later on that he had lied to realize that I was taken advantage of and used. I remember thinking why would he need to lie about 4 years? Like who cares? I now know the difference between those two ages / time periods of life. Was/still is a horrible feeling and time I had went through - but as Duncan Trussel preaches, heartbreak and hurt break the ego and cause the biggest amount of growth. Did it hurt yes? Did I need to learn from that experience for things to come in my future? Absolutely.
#63
For me, how normal it was to be underage partying with adults you work with and them not thinking twice. Now was an adult, I think it’s kind of weird.
#64
What my grandfather (and other other older relatives) used to call Brazil nuts. The 1970s were weird.
#65
The normalizing of casual racism among children, and the adults who ignored or even encouraged this behavior. Chinese fire drills. N-----rigging. Polish jokes. And so on. As a half asian kid, none of this seemed offensive until I grew up. I was called Eskimo because I moved from Alaska to a small town.
The rampant homophobia too. We played a game called " smear the queer" for God's sake.
#66
I was a horrible brother who bullied my younger brother when I should have been protecting and loving him. He's 5 years younger than me. We had a very bad relationship in our young years because he was never taught to respect my personal space. He broke my toys, k*lled my pets, and made my Nintendo nearly unplayable after spilling a Mtn. Dew in it. I was just mean and angry. He was overweight and reclusive and I teased him for it. He would pick his nose and eat the boogers on the school bus and kids would call him names for it. I just went along with it. Had I been a bigger (physically and emotionally) person I would have stood up for him, but I was small minded and physically small so fighting would have been a bad idea.
I have apologized multiple times but he still holds a grudge and we barely have a relationship. On my last visit he went off on me and told me everything I used to do and how it made him feel. He said I never apologized, despite me doing so multiple times in the last few years. We're both in our 40s now. He is still reclusive, lives with my parents and loves to write and do art. I was making really good money a few years ago and offered to help him move out or do something else with his life. I've given him tons of things to help him with his interests. He's just content where he is.
I still feel like s**t but I can't do anything else about it.
#70
In the central Indiana region of the US they called green peppers “mangos” for some reason….
#71
I didn't think my home life whas bad until i started talking to other people (friend's )about the 'silly' thing my dad did.
#72
Oh boy. Uhh. My parents being so focused on my high functioning but special needs brother that I was largely left alone until I was like 14 and then at that point I was so resentful I was a huge a*****e to them even though I was the golden child and got really good grades through college and mostly spent more time alone in my room and outside of that I would just be allowed to walk to school by myself or walk like 2 miles to hang out at my friend’s house or walk to our downtown main drag and hang out with people much older than me and then when I could drive I would drive our second car (yes I know) into the city with my friends and then lie about what I was doing and no one seemed to care beyond asking why the mileage was high and then I’d lie again.
Now I’m executor of their estate and I’m giving my brother anything they leave to me so he can get an apartment. I’m also helping him find a job. Early 2000s were weird.
#74
Cops. When I bought my condo ~40 years ago, I had an alarm system installed. The guy overseeing the job was an ex-cop. He told me they used to beat up the people they caught because the justice system always let them off. I was stupid, young, naive, and agreed with him. I am **appalled** with my old self, cause now I know ACAB. That was ***long*** before the internet and smart phones.
#75
Taxes, Medicare. Without specifics, I lose 1/3 of my salary to both that really I'll never see.
What do you think ?
Lost Panda 1 year ago
I have a feeling I'm going to get blasted for this, but one thing I always felt was: Just because your parents didn't help you emotionally, doesn't make them bad. They are human too, they have their mental health to worry about as well. As much as you say they mess with your mental health, you are messing with their's as well. This is not okaying abuse or anything like that, but I just feel that people should also think about how the parent(s) are also trying their best in this world. Sorry mom and dad for my past transgressions XD
Lost Panda 1 year ago
I have a feeling I'm going to get blasted for this, but one thing I always felt was: Just because your parents didn't help you emotionally, doesn't make them bad. They are human too, they have their mental health to worry about as well. As much as you say they mess with your mental health, you are messing with their's as well. This is not okaying abuse or anything like that, but I just feel that people should also think about how the parent(s) are also trying their best in this world. Sorry mom and dad for my past transgressions XD
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