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“I’m A Lawyer. He Is Not”: 71 Women Give Reasons They Would Never Take Their Husbands’ Last Names
I kept my surname when I got married many years ago. I’d already made a name for myself in my career and also, I didn’t see why my entire identity (and all my official documents) had to change simply because someone put a ring on my finger. My then-husband was completely cool with it, but of course, not everyone shared his open-minded ways of thinking.
Historically, women changed their surnames upon marriage because, under English common law and in a patriarchal society, they “belonged” to their husbands. Nowadays, many still do, but for different reasons. And then there are those who buck tradition and hold onto the names they were born with.
Someone asked married women to share their reasons for keeping or not keeping their maiden names, and some of the answers may surprise you. Bored Panda has put together a list of the best. You’ll find that below, along with some info on where this tradition of taking someone else's name really comes from.
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#1
It’s an antiquated practice. Women aren’t property.
Jaya 1 week ago
I see it as "a woman leaves her own family and becomes part of her husband's family". And that may have been the case centuries ago, but it's absolutely not how it is or should be nowadays. My inlaws are not my main family, MY family is my main family. Of course I am also part of my husband's family, but in the same way that he is also part of my family, and society doesn't expect him to change his name to reflect that, why are they expecting it of me?
Women didn’t have much of a choice back in the day. Getting married meant you no longer belong to your father, your husband now “owns” you and legally, you must take his surname. It came down to something known as coverture. In short, the erasure of a woman’s identity.
“Coverture is a legal formation that held that no female person had a legal identity,” explains Catherine Allgor, a historian and president of the Massachusetts Historical Society. “A female baby was covered by her father’s identity, and then, when she was married, by her husband’s.”
Allgor adds that while the idea of a husband and wife becoming “one” under marriage might sound romantic, it really wasn’t because the ‘one’ essentially was the husband, while the wife was ‘legally deceased.’
“She does not exist in law,” Allgor said. “Only the husband does.”
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#2
My last name is king and his is butler - why would I demote myself?
Allgor goes on to say that coverture severely limited a woman’s rights. “Married women could not make contracts, because they couldn’t own businesses... Married women owned nothing—not even the clothes on their backs," she told Brides.com. "They had no rights to their children, and no rights to their bodies, so men could send their wives out to labor, and [the men] could collect the wages.”
A husband also had an absolute right to intimacy because within marriage, a woman’s consent was implied. The Dark Ages were pretty dark, for women at least...
#4
Because I got married not bought. I don’t find it necessary for a woman to change her identity once she gets married.
#5
It felt weird. I came into this world with my name. Why would I change it.
Jaya 1 week ago
Exactly. This is who I am. Why should getting married change who I am? (well, every relationship changes you in some ways of course, but they don't change who you are at your core). Adding his name to mine (hyphenated), that I can understand, like an extension of who I am. But why would I get rid of my last name? Am I not who I am anymore?
#6
Hmmm because it’s an old school tradition based on property ownership and I don’t believe that humans should be property.
Fortunately, albeit slowly, the wheels started to turn and women were eventually allowed to do things like go to school, get driver’s licenses, and work. In 1920, American women were granted the right to vote. But there was a twist...
Prior to the 1970s in the U.S., a woman could not obtain a driver’s license, get a passport, or register to vote unless she took her husband’s last name. We've moved with the times since then and women nowadays are seen as (a lot more) equal.
Yet, despite this, around 80% of women who do choose to get married to a man end up taking his surname.
#7
I'm first gen Mexican American and it was a piece of my identity I was not willing to give up. also will be first Gen college graduate so I want my family name on that degree
Sally Moen 1 week ago (edited)
I remember having training in student surnames when I worked at an elementary school. Depending on their cultural identity, many of the students in the school I worked at had different surnames than one or more of their parents and their siblings. Especially the Mexican families, the boy might be Hector Jimenez and his sister is Paola Hernandez, with the mom being Bettina Lopez Hernandez and the dad is Jose Cruz Jimenez. It was important to get the training because American culture has been for so many years of the kids having the same surname as both of their parents because the women changed to their husbands surname
#8
I earned my doctorate with my last name and I’m the only one in my family with an advanced degree
#9
My passport photo was good and I didn’t want to change it until it expires.
While it’s no longer law to do so, many brides lose their maiden names nowadays either as a symbolic or romantic gesture of “two becoming one,” because they want their new family unit to share a last name, or out of social pressure.
Of course, some opt to take their husband’s surname because it simply sounds better than their own. Or because, as one Mrs. quipped, going from being a King to being a Butler would be an unwanted demotion.
#10
I avoid the social security office and DMV like the plague
#11
because I will not absorb my identity into a man's, especially because he would never consider changing his
Fat Harry (Oi / You) 1 week ago
I would consider changing mine for my current partner, but only to her maiden name. She goes by her ex's name, and I'm not going to take that!
#12
My fiance (male) is taking my (female) last name instead of me changing my name! He is adopted and isn’t closely attached to his last name, whereas my dad passed when I was a kid and I have always felt close to him and to my last name. He wants to honor my dad by taking his name instead!
A 2023 poll conducted by Pew Research Center found that 14% of married women chose to keep their last name, while 5% hyphenated both their name and their spouse’s name. Interestingly, but not too surprisingly, 92% of married men said they kept their last name.
“Just 5% took their spouse’s last name, and less than 1% hyphenated both names,” Pew reported.
#13
I didn’t change mine because in Islam a woman is supposed to keep her last name and not erase her identity by taking someone else’s name. It also is your link to your lineage.
Vix Spiderthrust 1 week ago
The second point is very apposite. Welsh history is an absolute b*****d because for centuries the Welsh didn't adopt the habit of retaining a surname, just using a one-off patronymic - so, for instance, "William ap Gryffydd" (William son of Gryffydd) might have a son called "Dafyd ap William" (Dafyd son of William), whose son might be called "Gryffydd ap Dafyd"... and so it doesn't take very long before the whole line of descent is unclear
#14
My name is my identity. I hate how society expects women to change their names- and I want to work toward shifting societal expectations for women
#15
I just don’t see why i would? I told my partner he could change his if he wanted, but he didn’t want to either. Changing your name just because you got married is weird to me idk
When Pew Research dug deeper, the survey revealed that certain groups of women were more likely than others to keep their maiden name after marriage.
"20% of married women ages 18 to 49 say they kept their last name, compared with 9% of those ages 50 and older," notes the site, adding that some women with a postgraduate degree were also reluctant to let their husbands steal their thunder.
"26% of married women with a postgraduate degree kept their last name, compared with 13% of those with a bachelor’s degree and 11% of those with some college or less education," Pew reported.
Democratic and Democratic-leaning women were also twice as likely as Republican and Republican-leaning women to say they kept their last name.
#16
I’m already in my profession and have 4 published scientific papers. It feels like a waste to deal with that plus the process is a pain. The only reason I would maybe hyphenate is to avoid stigma when I have kids (I live in the Deep South, very judgy)
Whether you choose to keep your maiden name, take your husband's name, or use a hyphenated version of both is a personal decision. But it's not one to be taken lightly, warn some experts. It can impact your daily life, your identity, your career, your finances and even your future family.
"This choice will follow you in social settings, professional environments, and legal situations," Loverly.com explains. "It’s not just a formality; it’s a reflection of who you are and how you want to present yourself to the world."
#19
so many women have been lost to time because they changed their last name. I was big into genealogy prior to my wedding. a woman's last name can be a steel wall in genealogical research.
#20
Because I’m not his property and we weren’t negotiating any treaties or alliances. We’re two people in love so the last name doesn’t matter-our love for one another does💛
#21
Um did you see how much paper work that was? I said to him, I don’t mind changing my name, but you’re going to have to all this paper work. SO THAT NEVER HAPPENED.
Chrystina Sumpter 1 week ago
When I first married in the early 90’s, the paperwork made me feel completely justified in my decision to keep my name. Now, you have to jump through so many more hoops to change your name, I really can’t imagine doing it.
#22
As an immigrant, it felt like I was erasing that part of myself. Also I’m in my PhD and it would have been confusing with publications
#23
people only change it because of the patriarchy. people can say otherwise, but if it was never introduced to us, how many would honestly even think of it?
#24
It's a lot to change legally and I love my name, it's who I am. My identity, my family. My husband has never cared or wanted me to change it.
#25
my last name is just too cool to give up, Rainbolt is also super easily recognized even if i haven’t seen that person in ages
#26
We got married in 2021 and so the social security office still had covid measures. They wanted me to mail in sensitive documents and I wasn’t comfortable with it.
howdylee 1 week ago
But you have to mail in the same sensitive documents when you get your passport. Which, btw, it's easier (less documentation) to get a passport than it is to get a Real ID (USA). So I just received my passport for the first time - Where (outside of North America) should I go first?
#27
I got married not adopted. I also already have one man’s name stamped on me, my father’s, and I didn’t want a second one. Instead I pronounce my original name differently from my Dad. It helps
#29
because i’m hispanic and he’s white, i like my hispanic last name and didn’t want a white person last name
#30
I didn’t want to change mine, so we took each others names. The double-barrel name confuses everyone but I’m happy with it!
Daisydaisy 1 week ago
I don't think double-barreled names work, especially not after a couple of generations. My sons have their dad's surname and my daughters have my surname. This has always worked for us!
#31
I just want all of my titles to have my own name accompany them (officer ______, for example)
#32
I’ve been my name for my whole life, why would I change it for a man? (and I love my husband a whole whole lot) Plus I have professional licenses on top of all of the other typical paperwork so I’m sure not going to do all that work to change something I’d rather not.
#33
I was never interested in changing my name due to paperwork and now I’m married to a man from a culture where women changing their name upon marriage is not the norm (as being married doesn’t change who your father is)
#34
Tbh, seems like a lot of work
Chrystina Sumpter 1 week ago
Knew a woman who had a short marriage in the late 60’s, early 70’s. She took his name because that’s what you did. Kept the name because they had a child. Once her child was an adult, she tried to change back to her original name. Social Security kept giving her a hard time so she filed in Federal Court for a declaratory judgment setting out her legal name. Took the court order to the Social Security office and dared them to give her anymore c**p. They did not.
#35
I was really excited to change my name. I am not contact with my birth parents and had a lot of trauma so having thr last name of someone who loves me was a definite improvement 😅💜
#36
my name means too much to me. I never had any intention of changing my name. my now husband, when we were dating asked me how I felt about him changing his last name to mine. I hadn't told him yet I never intended on changing my name 💕
#37
Mostly lazy and hate paper work lol husband also didn’t want me to change it. He knows me by my last name as “my name” and didnt want it to change to his just bc we were married. Also only child and it is the last piece I have of my dad who’s no longer here.
#38
I considered it, but in the end it just didn’t feel right to me. My name is my name - being married just didnt seem like reason enough to change it.
#39
I’ve heard people I love say ‘it’s not even your name, it’s your dad’s’ and I get so frustrated because ??? my fiancé’s last name is just his dad’s too? WTH kind of argument is that? So now I’m keeping it out of spite.
#40
Mine is Van blaricom and his is Nelson. I can’t give up a life time of Van blaricom for Nelson to be so fr ☹️💔
#41
I didn’t want to do all of the paperwork and wait in all of the lines 🤷🏻♀️My kids know I’m their mom, even though they have a different last name than I do, and we all love each other just the same
#42
I’m on the opposite end I changed mine immediately after my wedding o line & legally a few months later post honeymoon. I have no relationship with my dad & a toxic one when I was younger. The day I changed my last name I finally felt like I was free from the last little bit of him
#43
I changed my last name bc I love my husband’s family. I came from a very dysfunctional broken home and always admired his family and I wanted to be a part of it. A part of me struggled when I changed my last name though bc it felt like I was losing a part of my dad. He was the one person who stuck by me my whole life. It almost felt like I was betraying him in a way. He told me no matter what I’ll always be a Myers. I have plans to get my maiden name tattooed in my dad’s handwriting
#44
My fiance is taking my last name. My dad passed, my brother isn’t sure about kids, and my fiance has no ties to his last name (ex stepdads name) it’s a win win for us. I keep my dad’s name and he gets rid of a bad memory!
#45
1. My name is my identity and I didn’t want to change something I identify so strongly with 2. My degree is in my name 3. I’m lazy
#46
My husband always told me he didn't care one way or another. Since he didn't care, and I hate paperwork, I didn't see the necessity.
#48
I have to change my name in 2 different countries and going to the consulate/embassy is a nightmare.
#49
I changed mine because I wanted the same last name as my children. It had nothing to do with my husband. If we got divorced, I would keep his last name because it’s my children’s last name.
#50
Because in my culture, a woman doesn’t take her husband’s last name
#51
No I’ve literally been Maddy B (or my full last name) my ENTIRE life, people still call me Maddy B to this day, I couldn’t imagine having a DIFFERENT initial, let alone last name
#52
I liked his last name better than my maiden and it was easy. There’s a space in my maiden name that made everything a hassle with any sort of legal documents and potentially not matching up so I wanted to avoid that
#53
My name is my my identity and I don’t feel like giving that up for a last name that has family who doesn’t even speak to my husband. They aren’t worthy of that power.
#54
Mine is Gasca, not very common.. im not changing it to Piper😭 my ancestors alr mad im dating a white boy on purpose. Im keeping my roots
#55
knowing that I could change it to Targaryen but changed it to something else feels criminal. so the paper work just sits 😂
#56
my parents are the ones who got me to where i am, why would i want to replace their name? (doctor too)
mary thelen 1 week ago
Working for and achieving a doctorate is a big deal. People don't want to change the name associated with this degree.
#58
I'm changing mine because it carries too much weight of what I've been through and I no longer want it attached to me
#59
On the flip side, I chose to change my last name to his because I don’t really have one I consider to be my own (long story) and his was just cooler, but I divorced him and have chosen a last name from my maternal line!
#60
I’m not married, but I’ve always said the only way I’d ever change my last name is if the other person had a cooler last name and I don’t see that happening lol. But honestly now, if I do ever get married, I’ve just had this name too damn long, I have 2 degrees with it, it’s so much part of my identity and my family is very small and their aren’t many left with the name so I don’t see myself ever changing it.
#61
will be changing mine because my family name doesn’t represent family to me. my “family” were never my family so he will be my new family
#62
i didnt have any attachment to my last name. it was more important to him that i change it than it was to me not to change it. It says nothing about me that I changed my name other than I chose to do it. it doesnt make me his property it doesnt diminish me. Had it been important to me to keep my name. I would have.
#63
My husband and I both changed our names :) I was Bowen and he was Ford now were both Bowen-Ford. People are always weirded out that he changed his name though and its usually pretty funny to watch him ask why that would be weird
Chrystina Sumpter 1 week ago
This was in the 80’s: my good friend was getting married. Didn’t want to take her husband’s name but wanted them both to have the same name. They took the first three letters of her name, last three letters of his name and came up with a new name. He changed his name legally, they married and she took his name. They ended up divorced (honestly, even if you want to change your name, wait until you know the marriage is going to take) and she went back to her maiden name. Her ex kept his name since he nevertheless liked his name anyway. Both moved on and got engaged to other people. Her ex’s fiancée didn’t like the idea of having any part of my friend’s name attached to her, so the ex legally changed his name AGAIN. This time to his Mom’s maiden name. My friend and her fiance did the hyphenated thing. Very cumbersome. After their first child was born, they ended up changing it to her husband’s name. I fully respect and support her decisions, but boy, her ordeal solidified my decision.
#65
My last name was hard to spell and pronounce. My new last name is easy- Moore.
Lady Eowyn 1 week ago
My SIL changed to our family name, she said it was shorter, easier to spell, and fit better on credit card applications. She uses her maiden name as a middle name now, as does a friend of mine.
#66
i am a first generation college & graduate student and worked so hard for my title and certifications so keeping my name was important to me. i hyphenated but haven’t changed legally. he knows our last name is shared, and everyone else knows it. i just simply don’t feel like changing on paper.
#67
My dad is African so I feel it would be weird to have black kids without their ethnic last name 😭 I know it could give them perks but eh… if you have to rely on duping people into believing ur white to get in somewhere it’s not a safe place to be anyway.
#68
I’m a doctor
Tea Drinker 1 week ago
That's not really a reason. You're saying if you were, say, a waitress you'd change your name?
What do you think ?
Sally Moen 1 week ago
In my state at least, it's free and just as easy as checking a box to change a woman's surname to her husbands surname when getting the marriage certificate, but changing it back at divorce takes a whole extra step, including each and every time I apply for jobs and fill out govt forms I need to write down my former surname, no matter how many years ago it was. I regret ever changing it
Luke || Kira (he/she) 1 week ago
I find those men who INSIST that their wives take their names so laughably fragile. Idk, I'll be happy to go with my hypothetical wife's decision. Wanna keep your name? Awesome. Want my name, which literally means "Sweet" in my language? Feel free to have it. Want to double-barrel? Great, I'm open to that. I have a friend who WISHES to get rid of her surname since she sees it as a curse, but she wants to change her and her husband's surname to something completely different. That's also good!
CP 1 week ago (edited)
When I got married, I told my now ex-wife, she didn't have to take my name. "It was tradition", she said. She still has it because it is so annoying to change it back. The only reason this practice exists is because women were considered property up until very recently by society. Still are treated that way in many respects. The father "giving away the bride" comes from the father literally transferring ownership to the husband.
Load More Replies...
Seedy Vine 1 week ago
I don't believe women should take their husbands' last names. Women go missing this way - from their old friends, from crime reports - it's not safe.
Sally Moen 1 week ago
In my state at least, it's free and just as easy as checking a box to change a woman's surname to her husbands surname when getting the marriage certificate, but changing it back at divorce takes a whole extra step, including each and every time I apply for jobs and fill out govt forms I need to write down my former surname, no matter how many years ago it was. I regret ever changing it
Luke || Kira (he/she) 1 week ago
I find those men who INSIST that their wives take their names so laughably fragile. Idk, I'll be happy to go with my hypothetical wife's decision. Wanna keep your name? Awesome. Want my name, which literally means "Sweet" in my language? Feel free to have it. Want to double-barrel? Great, I'm open to that. I have a friend who WISHES to get rid of her surname since she sees it as a curse, but she wants to change her and her husband's surname to something completely different. That's also good!
CP 1 week ago (edited)
When I got married, I told my now ex-wife, she didn't have to take my name. "It was tradition", she said. She still has it because it is so annoying to change it back. The only reason this practice exists is because women were considered property up until very recently by society. Still are treated that way in many respects. The father "giving away the bride" comes from the father literally transferring ownership to the husband.
Load More Replies... Seedy Vine 1 week ago
I don't believe women should take their husbands' last names. Women go missing this way - from their old friends, from crime reports - it's not safe.
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