When you think of it, married life seems like quite an odd thing - you choose a similarly weird person like yourself, fall in love, and decide to stay weird together for the rest of your lives. The weirdness starts to fade over time, you both get more serious (up to a point where you start to get weirder and weirder again), and you might even produce a spawn that’ll share half of you and half of your significant other. And though it might seem like a good idea and a peachy kind of path, in all truthfulness, married life is full of hilarious misunderstandings, silly miscommunications, and miserably missed signs. All of which are entirely natural, yet, at the same time, great fodder for married life jokes! To which we are dedicating this whole article, because if you don’t laugh at your woes… Well, you don’t laugh at your woes.

As stated above, these jokes will mainly discuss the three Horsemen of married life - the misunderstandings, miscommunication, and missed signs. And although those might seem like quite severe problems, those are actually often what make marriage fun and lively. You can trust me on that, since I have had my own weirdo for several years now, so talking from experience here. And if you feel that some of these relationship jokes are just too serious, you just haven’t reached that point in your marriage yet.

So, married or not, let’s find our way to the hilarious jokes, which are just an inch or so lower. You can definitely reach them by scrolling or swiping just a tiny bit, and then you’ll be able to witness these married life jokes (also appropriate for those in long-term relationships) with your very own eyes! Don’t forget to vote for the ones that struck your heartstrings and share this article with your S.O., your mom, or maybe read them out loud to your office co-workers. 

#1

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”

“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

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Lovin' Life
Community Member
6 months ago

Oldie but goodie! One of my favorites

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#2

Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: "I need to buy some arsenic." Pharmacist:" Why do you need arsenic?" Woman: "I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband." Pharmacist: "WHAT?" Woman: "You heard me! I want to kill my husband!" Pharmacist: "Why on earth would you want to do that?" Woman: "Because he's having an affair with YOUR wife!!!" Pharmacist: "Well why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

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Travis Fox
Community Member
6 months ago

This should be higher lol!

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#3

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.

She looked mystified. "How do you figure?"

"I married better," I replied.

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Candia Lee
Community Member
6 months ago

This should be higher. Positive, not neg, like most of these jokes

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#4

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."

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Joanna Werman
Community Member
6 months ago

Very well said

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#5

"Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?""

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Meredith Hill-Mulligan
Community Member
6 months ago

Oh my goodness! I almost spat out my pop laughing at that!

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#6

"When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said my husband's grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That's what I call an investment!"

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Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W
Community Member
5 months ago

Great attitude

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#7

"I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?"

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catrin Watts
Community Member
6 months ago

1 person could have got married twice

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#8

On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.

"For example," he began, pointing to my husband, David, "do you know your wife's favorite flower?"


David answered, "Pillsbury All Purpose."

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Mushroomlover
Community Member
6 months ago

That’s actually more impressive than knowing her favorite flower!!!!

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#9

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"

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Buren
Community Member
6 months ago

Bahahahha

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#10

"My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?""

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ShriSha Kamboj
Community Member
6 months ago

pretend i am on an airplane

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#11

"My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman.""

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Kiran
Community Member
6 months ago

The bridge is always the winner.😉

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#12

My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.

When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so."

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Jessica Gunn
Community Member
5 months ago

This is actually a fantastic romantic idea!

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#13

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.” - Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois

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Vicky Z
Community Member
6 months ago

Could be a mum also! Don't you dare step on a wet floor after your mum has mopped

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#14

"The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."

"That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that."

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ShriSha Kamboj
Community Member
6 months ago

experience

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#15

Both my fiancé and I are in our 40s. I thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to me—down on one bended knee.

"Are you serious?" I asked, laughing.

"Of course I'm serious," he said. "I'm on my bad knee."

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Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey
Community Member
6 months ago (edited)

oh i understand that! that's a lifetime commitment!

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#16

Do you want dinner?

Sure, what are my choices?

Yes and no.

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Lovin' Life
Community Member
6 months ago

Perfect

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#17

My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home. The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear.

When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. "It's okay, Mom," she said. "The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again."

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william mcgloin
Community Member
6 months ago

Hope she didn't tell daddy to leave so mommy could get pregnant.

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#18

The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. "Well," said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, "she's there."

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StormWolf
Community Member
5 months ago

Read that staring on the second line and it takes on a whole new meaning ;)

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#19

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.” Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked. “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

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Arctic Fox Lover
Community Member
5 months ago

Yep. She sold 2 dolls for $47,500 each! :D

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#20

'If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It's all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It's new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"No. She's left-handed."

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Jo Johannsen
Community Member
6 months ago

Oops.

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#21

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She answered, “I do.” -Michael Jordan, Moss Point, Mississippi

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KritiKrish Thambidurai
Community Member
5 months ago

that's so sweet

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#22

For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy. "Honey," my husband joked when I told him, "after 13 years and 4 kids, I hardly need directions."

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Angela B
Community Member
5 months ago

Snort laugh.....

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#23

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.

"With this ring…" I began romantically.

"We could pay off Visa," he responded.

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william mcgloin
Community Member
6 months ago

That moment you realize you've been had by the diamond industry...

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#24

Whats the difference between love and marriage?

Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!

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ShriSha Kamboj
Community Member
6 months ago

bitter truth but sweet joke

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#25

"Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, "Mmm … that Vicks smells good."

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Vicky Z
Community Member
6 months ago

Even though it's expired for the last 20 years it still smells good

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#26

As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."

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XenoMurph
Community Member
6 months ago

I used to love jokes like this, but not anymore. I'm an ex tractor fan.

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#27

"My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me."

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C C
Community Member
5 months ago

"Nothing. I'm fine."

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#28

"Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn't until I got home that I read the label.

"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can't believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing like wild in the yard!"

"See?" he said. "You're smarter already."

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Jo Johannsen
Community Member
6 months ago

And she immediately knew where to bury the body.

#29

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like.

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tuzdayschild
Community Member
5 months ago

As long as everyone's happy

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#30

"My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. "What?!" he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. "Turn over—you're snoring," I said. He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, "That's nothing; you should hear my wife snore.""

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Theoretical Empiricist
Community Member
6 months ago

Sounds like it's time for his & hers CPAP machines.

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#31

"My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.

"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.

I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Dennis Quaid."

"In that case," she said, "I'll play myself."

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Auntriarch
Community Member
5 months ago

Snort-laugh!

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#32

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.

"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."

The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"

She said, "Six."

The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."

Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

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K J
Community Member
5 months ago

bruh..

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#33

"During an attack of laryngitis, I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant "Give me a kiss." Two taps meant "No." Three taps meant "Yes"—and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage.""

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Buren
Community Member
6 months ago

But...but..there are notepad, phone and foreheads to write on. To be fair, you would need mirror to read what is written on the forehead

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#34

I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to sleep, baby.”

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Lioness Nature
Community Member
5 months ago

Baby fever is real.

#35

"Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, "Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?" "Not really," I replied. "Did you marry him for his money?" "Definitely not," I laughed. "He didn’t have any." "So," he said, "You just felt sorry for him." - Linda Watson, Edinburgh, Scotland

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Candia Lee
Community Member
6 months ago

Big heart and a great sense of humor.

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#36

"My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.

"Oh, we've been married ten years," I said."

"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy."

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Kristal
Community Member
5 months ago

Goals

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#37

"I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.

"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t.""

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r tommo
Community Member
5 months ago

This is so my parents :)

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#38

"My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."

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Tom Bolton
Community Member
6 months ago

Depends on if you're married to a lawyer or a psychologist.

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#39

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. "Your wife must like rolls," he said. "How do you know these are for my wife?" I asked. "Because your mother wouldn't send you out in weather like this."

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tuzdayschild
Community Member
5 months ago

huh...true

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#40

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!" The hypnotherapist shakes his head. "Not again …" - Alan lynch, Ithaca, New York

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M
Community Member
5 months ago

uh-oh...

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#41

Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”

Friend: “Why not?”

Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

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Lovin' Life
Community Member
6 months ago

Hahaha

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#42

A husband-and-wife photography team we know shoot their pictures together, do their developing and printing together—in fact, they're together 24 hours of the day. We wondered how they managed to keep up such good working relations.

"Well, frankly," the wife said, "it wouldn't work out if one of us didn't have a good disposition."

"Which one?" we asked.

"Oh," she laughed, "we take turns."

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Catherine
Community Member
5 months ago

Aww reminds me of one I've read before. Someone asked their grandmother who had been married for 60 years what the secret was to a lasting marriage and the grandmother replied we both never wanted a divorce on the same day. And being married 17 years myself, I felt that 😅

#43

"On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, "I have a confession." She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, "Darling, so do I." Recoiling, he says, "Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks."" - Justin Ezzi, Wilmington, California.

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Owen
Community Member
2 months ago

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

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#44

"On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items." - Glen Zeider

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Kevin Swanepoel
Community Member
5 months ago

On my best friends wedding his mother calmly walked up to the happy couple, turned to the bride and said, "... He's your problem now..." Legend!

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#45

One night when I dropped in at the police station on my news beat, a large, efficient-looking woman in uniform who packed a service revolver at her waist was behind the sergeant's desk. After checking the blotter, I returned to the car, where my wife was waiting for me.

"You should see the new woman on the force," I said. "She's tremendous, and wearing a .38."

I didn't notice the silence until my wife broke it icily with, "I wear a 38."

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Candia Lee
Community Member
6 months ago

Good joke.

#46

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.” - John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma

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william mcgloin
Community Member
6 months ago

Oh honey, you're not a has been. You're a never was.

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#47

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

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FrozenThunderbolt
Community Member
5 months ago

Chronic torpidity

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#48

"Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy" - Groucho Marx

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Tee Witt
Community Member
5 months ago

Must admit I have always wondered where that cam from.

#49

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

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Okie (she/her)
Community Member
1 month ago

Marriage isn’t always a man and a woman…

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#50

I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?” “Yes,” said the customer. - "My husband". —A.H. via rd.com

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