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50 Jokes About Being Married That Are Funny Even If You’re Not

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When you think of it, married life seems like quite an odd thing - you choose a similarly weird person like yourself, fall in love, and decide to stay weird together for the rest of your lives. The weirdness starts to fade over time, you both get more serious (up to a point where you start to get weirder and weirder again), and you might even produce a spawn that’ll share half of you and half of your significant other. And though it might seem like a good idea and a peachy kind of path, in all truthfulness, married life is full of hilarious misunderstandings, silly miscommunications, and miserably missed signs. All of which are entirely natural, yet, at the same time, great fodder for married life jokes! To which we are dedicating this whole article, because if you don’t laugh at your woes… Well, you don’t laugh at your woes.

As stated above, these jokes will mainly discuss the three Horsemen of married life - the misunderstandings, miscommunication, and missed signs. And although those might seem like quite severe problems, those are actually often what make marriage fun and lively. You can trust me on that, since I have had my own weirdo for several years now, so talking from experience here. And if you feel that some of these relationship jokes are just too serious, you just haven’t reached that point in your marriage yet.

So, married or not, let’s find our way to the hilarious jokes, which are just an inch or so lower. You can definitely reach them by scrolling or swiping just a tiny bit, and then you’ll be able to witness these married life jokes (also appropriate for those in long-term relationships) with your very own eyes! Don’t forget to vote for the ones that struck your heartstrings and share this article with your S.O., your mom, or maybe read them out loud to your office co-workers.

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#1

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”

“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

376points

Lovin' Life 2 years ago

Oldie but goodie! One of my favorites

92points

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#2

Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: "I need to buy some arsenic." Pharmacist:" Why do you need arsenic?" Woman: "I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband." Pharmacist: "WHAT?" Woman: "You heard me! I want to kill my husband!" Pharmacist: "Why on earth would you want to do that?" Woman: "Because he's having an affair with YOUR wife!!!" Pharmacist: "Well why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

350points

Travis Fox 2 years ago

This should be higher lol!

53points

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#3

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.

She looked mystified. "How do you figure?"

"I married better," I replied.

343points

Candia Lee 2 years ago

This should be higher. Positive, not neg, like most of these jokes

82points

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#4

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."

300points

Joanna Werman 2 years ago

Very well said

71points

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#5

"Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?""

297points

Meredith Hill-Mulligan 2 years ago

Oh my goodness! I almost spat out my pop laughing at that!

75points

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#6

"When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said my husband's grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That's what I call an investment!"

292points

Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W 2 years ago

Great attitude

69points

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#7

"I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?"

275points

catrin Watts 2 years ago

1 person could have got married twice

62points

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#8

On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.

"For example," he began, pointing to my husband, David, "do you know your wife's favorite flower?"

David answered, "Pillsbury All Purpose."

270points

Mushroomlover 2 years ago

That’s actually more impressive than knowing her favorite flower!!!!

146points

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#9

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"

242points

Buren 2 years ago

Bahahahha

46points

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#10

"My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman.""

234points

Kiran 2 years ago

The bridge is always the winner.😉

29points

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#11

"My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?""

234points

ShriSha Kamboj 2 years ago

pretend i am on an airplane

60points

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#12

My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.

When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so."

222points

Jessica Gunn 2 years ago

This is actually a fantastic romantic idea!

52points

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#13

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.” - Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois

207points

Vicky Z 2 years ago

Could be a mum also! Don't you dare step on a wet floor after your mum has mopped

27points

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#14

"The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."

"That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that."

203points

ShriSha Kamboj 2 years ago

experience

27points

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#15

Both my fiancé and I are in our 40s. I thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to me—down on one bended knee.

"Are you serious?" I asked, laughing.

"Of course I'm serious," he said. "I'm on my bad knee."

201points

Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey 2 years ago (edited)

oh i understand that! that's a lifetime commitment!

43points

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#16

Do you want dinner?

Sure, what are my choices?

Yes and no.

194points

Lovin' Life 2 years ago

Perfect

38points

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#17

My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home. The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear.

When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. "It's okay, Mom," she said. "The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again."

188points

Lexipoo 2 years ago

Honey- that’s not how it works

4points

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#18

The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. "Well," said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, "she's there."

172points

StormWolf 2 years ago

Read that staring on the second line and it takes on a whole new meaning ;)

25points

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#19

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.” Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked. “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

168points

Arctic Fox Lover 2 years ago

Yep. She sold 2 dolls for $47,500 each! :D

27points

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#20

'If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It's all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It's new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"No. She's left-handed."

161points

Jo Johannsen 2 years ago

Oops.

66points

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#21

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She answered, “I do.” -Michael Jordan, Moss Point, Mississippi

147points

KritiKrish Thambidurai 2 years ago

that's so sweet

13points

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#22

For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy. "Honey," my husband joked when I told him, "after 13 years and 4 kids, I hardly need directions."

143points

Angela B 2 years ago

Snort laugh.....

20points

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#23

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.

"With this ring…" I began romantically.

"We could pay off Visa," he responded.

134points

Dillon Brown 2 years ago

The re-sell value of diamonds is really low and jewelry as well. Smh, probably couldn't get much for it.

12points

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#24

Whats the difference between love and marriage?

Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!

131points

ShriSha Kamboj 2 years ago

bitter truth but sweet joke

23points

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#25

"Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, "Mmm … that Vicks smells good."

126points

Vicky Z 2 years ago

Even though it's expired for the last 20 years it still smells good

39points

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#26

As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."

125points

XenoMurph 2 years ago

I used to love jokes like this, but not anymore. I'm an ex tractor fan.

61points

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#27

"My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me."

124points

C C 2 years ago

"Nothing. I'm fine."

17points

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#28

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like.

122points

tuzdayschild 2 years ago

As long as everyone's happy

24points

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#29

"Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn't until I got home that I read the label.

"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can't believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing like wild in the yard!"

"See?" he said. "You're smarter already."

121points

Jo Johannsen 2 years ago

And she immediately knew where to bury the body.

46points

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#30

"My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.

"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.

I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Dennis Quaid."

"In that case," she said, "I'll play myself."

117points

Auntriarch 2 years ago

Snort-laugh!

14points

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#31

"My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. "What?!" he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. "Turn over—you're snoring," I said. He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, "That's nothing; you should hear my wife snore.""

113points

Theoretical Empiricist 2 years ago

Sounds like it's time for his & hers CPAP machines.

32points

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#32

"Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, "Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?" "Not really," I replied. "Did you marry him for his money?" "Definitely not," I laughed. "He didn’t have any." "So," he said, "You just felt sorry for him." - Linda Watson, Edinburgh, Scotland

109points

Candia Lee 2 years ago

Big heart and a great sense of humor.

18points

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#33

"My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.

"Oh, we've been married ten years," I said."

"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy."

109points

Kristal 2 years ago

Goals

16points

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#34

I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to sleep, baby.”

108points

Lioness Nature 2 years ago

Baby fever is real.

13points

#35

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.

"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."

The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"

She said, "Six."

The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."

Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

108points

K J 2 years ago

bruh..

25points

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#36

"During an attack of laryngitis, I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant "Give me a kiss." Two taps meant "No." Three taps meant "Yes"—and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage.""

106points

Buren 2 years ago

But...but..there are notepad, phone and foreheads to write on. To be fair, you would need mirror to read what is written on the forehead

4points

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#37

"I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.

"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t.""

105points

r tommo 2 years ago

This is so my parents :)

8points

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#38

"My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."

102points

Tom Bolton 2 years ago

Depends on if you're married to a lawyer or a psychologist.

19points

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#39

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. "Your wife must like rolls," he said. "How do you know these are for my wife?" I asked. "Because your mother wouldn't send you out in weather like this."

100points

tuzdayschild 2 years ago

huh...true

17points

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#40

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!" The hypnotherapist shakes his head. "Not again …" - Alan lynch, Ithaca, New York

97points

M 2 years ago

uh-oh...

9points

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#41

Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”

Friend: “Why not?”

Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

94points

Lovin' Life 2 years ago

Hahaha

14points

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#42

A husband-and-wife photography team we know shoot their pictures together, do their developing and printing together—in fact, they're together 24 hours of the day. We wondered how they managed to keep up such good working relations.

"Well, frankly," the wife said, "it wouldn't work out if one of us didn't have a good disposition."

"Which one?" we asked.

"Oh," she laughed, "we take turns."

87points

Catherine 2 years ago

Aww reminds me of one I've read before. Someone asked their grandmother who had been married for 60 years what the secret was to a lasting marriage and the grandmother replied we both never wanted a divorce on the same day. And being married 17 years myself, I felt that 😅

19points

#43

"On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, "I have a confession." She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, "Darling, so do I." Recoiling, he says, "Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks."" - Justin Ezzi, Wilmington, California.

84points

Owen 2 years ago

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

2points

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#44

"On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items." - Glen Zeider

79points

Kevin Swanepoel 2 years ago

On my best friends wedding his mother calmly walked up to the happy couple, turned to the bride and said, "... He's your problem now..." Legend!

27points

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#45

One night when I dropped in at the police station on my news beat, a large, efficient-looking woman in uniform who packed a service revolver at her waist was behind the sergeant's desk. After checking the blotter, I returned to the car, where my wife was waiting for me.

"You should see the new woman on the force," I said. "She's tremendous, and wearing a .38."

I didn't notice the silence until my wife broke it icily with, "I wear a 38."

77points

Candia Lee 2 years ago

Good joke.

17points

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#46

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.” - John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma

75points

#47

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

73points

FrozenThunderbolt 2 years ago

Chronic torpidity

32points

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#48

"Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy" - Groucho Marx

69points

Tee Witt 2 years ago

Must admit I have always wondered where that cam from.

2points

#49

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

68points

#50

I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?” “Yes,” said the customer. - "My husband". —A.H. via rd.com

62points

Ambry Petersen 10 months ago

I don't have that problem. Me and my Hubby are both bookworms. When in a bookstore were both so lost lost looking at books we have no time to look for each other lol.

0points

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#51

While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband's deathbed, he says to her, "Before I die, I have something to confess to you."

"Shh, not now," she replies.

"But I need to tell you: I cheated on you," he admits.

"Yes, I know," she replies.

"I need to clear my conscience before I die… "

"Shh," she counters. "Just lie back and let the poison work."

36points

K J 2 years ago

Lmao!!

2points

#52

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license. "Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired. "No," I replied.

"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

35points

Qibli of the SandWings 2 years ago

The clerk always knows…

0points

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#53

A police officer in a small town stopped a driver speeding down the main street. The driver said he could explain why he was speeding, but the police officer said he was going to put him in jail until the Chief got back, but lucky for the driver that the chief will be in a good mood because he is at his daughter's wedding. The driver said, "Don't count on it. I'm the groom."

34points

Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey 2 years ago

hahahahahaha

1point

#54

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.

Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"

33points

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#55

There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there's me. One day I couldn't stand it any longer. "Why don't you ever bring me flowers?" I asked.

"What's the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week."

"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."

33points

#56

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.

33points

Antonia 2 years ago

print on the shirt... haha

0points

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#57

Nancy was Catholic, but her fiancé, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."

Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don't understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"

32points

#58

Hoping to lose some weight, my wife told me she wanted to get an exercise bicycle. I reminded her that she had a very nice and rather expensive bike in the garage. She explained that she wanted a stationary one.

"Your bicycle has been stationary," I remarked. "That's why you need to lose ten pounds."

32points

Buren 2 years ago

I hope he is alive and well

16points

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#59

"My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, "I’ve got it! You’re constipated!"" - Tracy Vance, Ocala, Florida

31points

Kona Pake 2 years ago

Only a woman knows.

3points

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#60

My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered. “Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.” - Patti Simkins, Columbus, Georgia

31points

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#61

Scene: My checkout line at the supermarket.

Me: Paper or plastic?

Customer: I'd like double-bagged paper, and I'd like you to make each bag as heavy as possible.

Me: Okay.

Customer: In case you're wondering, I had a fight with my wife, and it's my turn to pick up the groceries.

Me: Uh-huh.

Customer: It's also her turn to unload the car.

30points

Buren 2 years ago

That is a flawed system, why would the person shopping and unloading grocery be different? You'd never have a day off!

3points

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#62

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied. "I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting."

30points

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#63

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest," she said.

"How long have you been married?" I asked.

"Ten years," she replied.

30points

Shelby Moonheart 2 years ago

My dad used to say the first 50 years are the hardest.

2points

#64

"My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night."

29points

#65

It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, "Isn't it nice to be here when we're not being convicted of something?"

29points

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#66

Recently engaged, my brother-in-law Jeff brought his fiancée home to meet the family. When asked if she was enjoying herself, she politely replied yes. "She would say that," Jeff interjected. "She's not the type to say no."

"I see," my husband said after a brief silence. "And that explains the engagement."

29points

K J 2 years ago

He's gonna need more than aloe for that burn! Yikes!

4points

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#67

I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. "See anything you like?" I asked suggestively.

"Yeah," she said. "You doing housework."

29points

#68

My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

29points

Raven DeathShade 2 years ago

That'd do it for ya.

4points

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#69

My husband is a big Atlanta Braves fan. When I saw an ad on television for a baseball autographed by one of his favorite players that cost $42, I rushed out and bought it for him as a gift.

That evening as we were watching television, the same commercial came on. Slyly I glanced over at my husband just as he commented, "What kind of idiot would pay $42 for a baseball?"

29points

Mohsie Supposie 2 years ago

An idiot in love!

6points

#70

As I stripped off my sweatshirt at the breakfast table one warm morning, my T-shirt started to come off too.

My husband let out a low whistle. I took it as a compliment until he said, from behind his newspaper, "Can you believe the price of bananas?"

29points

Buren 2 years ago

But look at the price of banana!

4points

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#71

Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?

Wife: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it.

Husband: My truck.

28points

Buren 2 years ago

I don't really mind people who takes everything literally. It's the drama and deception that are tiring

7points

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#72

When my petite mother found her seat on the airplane, she was crushed between my 200-plus-pound father and another large man.

"I bet you wish you'd married a smaller man," my father said.

My mother mumbled, "I did."

28points

Tim Douglass 2 years ago

Ouch! That hits too close to home!

4points

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#73

An item on craigslist: "Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. If she's home, $100."

28points

Christina Hill 2 years ago

This is person specific not gender specific, for example we have a storage closet full of crap because my husband insists it is all valuable and could make a lot of money... but will then refuse to sell anything. So i guess what im saying is there's a fine line between collecting and hoarding.

2points

#74

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden's daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The warden's mighty upset about it too."

"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"

"No. Because they eloped."

28points

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#75

While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, "My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."

His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."

28points

Narwhal Blast 2 years ago

Women who get mad like that will soon understand they don't want or need men like this in their life, if they're doing it all...

14points

#76

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

27points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

One of my favorite old jokes, told this one for years. "Today's the day' is also an inside joke in the family.

1point

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#77

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers" - Richard Pryor

27points

#78

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

27points

K Sarfo 2 years ago

Hahahaha

2points

#79

On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

27points

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#80

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough.

"Kids," he said over the din, "if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me."

Our six-year-old shot back: "Too late, I already got you another present."

27points

#81

Enclosed with the heartworm pills my friend received from a veterinarian was a sheet of red heart stickers to place on a calendar as a reminder to give her pet the medication. She attached these stickers to her kitchen calendar, marking the first Saturday of every month. When her husband noticed the hearts, he grinned from ear to ear, turned to his wife and asked, “Do you have something special in mind for these days?”

27points

Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey 2 years ago

and the answer is: "i certainly do!" (and then start planning)

6points

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#82

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful—we never felt hungry!

But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was "Serves 6."

27points

Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey 2 years ago

the curse of every recipe....

3points

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#83

As I was stepping into the shower after an afternoon of yard work, my wife walked into the bathroom. "What do you think the neighbors would say if I cut the grass dressed like this?" I asked.

Giving me a casual glance, she replied, "They'd say I married you for your money."

27points

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#84

My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.

27points

Raven DeathShade 2 years ago

Magic lady XD.

0points

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#85

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.” - Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

26points

MyCowIsConstipated RFS 2 years ago

the husband's lucky day

0points

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#86

One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."

"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend.

"I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."

26points

K J 2 years ago

lmao mood. way cheaper than any surgery

4points

#87

One evening my husband's golfing buddy drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later that night my husband's friend and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

26points

Candia Lee 2 years ago

Old joke, still funny.

3points

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#88

My granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. Since it turned out to be my husband and me, the DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.' "

Everyone then looked expectantly at my husband. "She's probably right," he said.

26points

#89

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things, saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one like it's your own!"

26points

#90

As we left the gym after our first real workout in years, my husband and I both felt energized. "Let's renew our commitment to do it three times a week," I said.

"Absolutely," my husband agreed, "three times as a minimum."

"And no whining," I said. "No excuses."

"No, we'll do it with energy and enthusiasm."

"And on my late night, we can just meet here at the gym."

"The gym?" my husband said, crestfallen.

"I thought we were talking about sex!"

26points

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#91

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. "Father's date of birth?" she asked. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"

"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I have a daughter who turned two a couple days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."

26points

#92

When my younger brother and his wife celebrated their first anniversary, they invited the rest of the family to join them for dinner. The conversation focused on the newlyweds and how they happened to meet. Caught up in the romance of the story, one by one the men related how we had met our wives. Eventually everyone had told his story except for my youngest brother.

All eyes were on him when he said, "Oh, Cindy and I met in college. We were matched up by a computer according to compatibility."

"That's the whole story?" my wife asked incredulously.

"Oh, no," he replied with a grin. "They've fixed the computer since then."

26points

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#93

If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.

25points

Hi, I'm Mars! 2 years ago

Nah. My parents were married for 45 years when my dad passed and he always opened doors for mom, car or otherwise.

21points

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#94

"I identify with football players because I know what it's like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring."

25points

#95

A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.

"It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."

"So?"

"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"

25points

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#96

I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, "It's good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!"

25points

#97

My husband is a car nut. That's why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our fifth wedding anniversary. It read "The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!"

25points

#98

I was about to leave the house on an errand, and my husband was getting ready for a dental appointment. "I wish we could trade places," I said, knowing how much he dreaded the coming ordeal.

He watched as I gathered our newborn onto my left arm and picked up a package with that hand. I flung a diaper bag and my purse over my right shoulder, grabbed our two-year-old with my free hand and wrestled the car keys from him.

My husband shook his head. "No, thanks," he said. "At least where I'm going they give you anesthesia."

25points

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#99

A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand—to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged, saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The teacher then dropped a pen and asked him to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant?" he asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

25points

#100

Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it. Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said, "You're not going down there by yourself at this hour."

Just as I was thinking, how thoughtful of him, he added, "Better take the dog with you."

24points

Snorkeldorf 2 years ago

Awwwww........I do love that! Very wise.

4points

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#101

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I climbed back in the boat; so did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."

24points

#102

Pregnant with our second child, I was determined to ride my exercise bike at least two miles a day. Late one night, having put it off all day, I climbed aboard the noisy contraption in our bedroom, where my husband was reading a book.

After about 20 minutes of listening to the squeaky machine, he glanced up, somewhat annoyed. "Don't you think it's time you turned around and headed for home?" he asked.

24points

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#103

My mother and I were having a mother-daughter talk about the qualities to look for in a husband. She stressed that husband and wife should be as much alike as possible in interests and backgrounds. I brought up the point that opposites often attract.

“Diane,” she said emphatically, “just being man and woman is opposite enough.”

24points

#104

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they'd eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she'd polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.

"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.

"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."

24points

Deborah Allen 2 years ago

Should be higher!

4points

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#105

My friend Garrick had the solution to forgetting his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary: He opened an account with a local florist and provided it with both dates as well as instructions to send flowers and a card signed “Your loving husband, Garrick.” For a few years, it worked. Then one day, Garrick came home on their wedding anniversary. He saw the flowers on the dining room table and said, “What nice flowers. Where did you get them?” - Yefim M. Brodd

23points

#106

A woman and her husband stop at a dentist’s office. “I need a tooth pulled right away,” she says. “Don’t bother with the Novocain; we’re in a hurry.” “Which tooth do you want pulled?” asks the dentist. The woman shoves her husband toward the dentist. “Go ahead, dear. Show him your tooth.”

23points

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#107

If love is "grand," what is divorce?

A hundred grand, or more.

23points

#108

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

23points