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A Gay Man Explains The Ridiculous Double Standards Women Experience From His Perspective
With the help of #MeToo movement, a problem we all knew about but rarely discussed has gained a lot more traction. Yet, whenever the conversation turns about sexual violence, many people still try to shift the blame from assailant to the victim. Therefore, many victims are left with, probably, much bigger guilt then the attacker, after having their behavior, choices, lifestyle and especially clothing questioned in an attempt to find out how they have might have provoked the attack. (Facebook cover image: Gareth Williams)
RELATED:
A writer and an activist Josh Weed took to Twitter to address the issue of ‘modesty culture’ that drives victim blaming even further
Image credits: The_Weed
Modesty culture suggests that women must dress in a certain way so they won’t provoke a sexual response in men. In an attempt to disprove this believe Josh raises an important question: who is responsible for their own desires – a person who’s experiencing them or people who surround him?
Well, the answer may not be so obvious to people who try to reinforce ‘modesty culture’ as a preventable measure against sexual violence.
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Josh goes to explain how ridiculous this responsibility shift is by offering his own experience. As a gay man, he has never felt that he has a right to control the clothing choices of other men because he might be arounsed by them.
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Then he goes on to explain how damaging this sort of victim-blaming is. Telling people how to dress does not prevent them from being assaulted and it is proven to be harmful. Victims who have experienced sexual violence suffer from secondary trauma when they endure victim blaming.
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Image credits: The_Weed
Josh’s well-put explanation of why women’s clothing has nothing to do with sexual violence was well received and praised by other users. Some thank him for stating so clearly what they had been thinking the whole time, others reveal how eye-opening it was for them to read it.
Here’s how people reacted
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What do you think ?
Lingon 6 years ago
The swedish lawyer Elisabeth Massi Fritz got fed up with her clients getting asked about their underwear they were wearing when they were raped. So this is what she did: "I asked the perpetrator to describe their underwear in a questioning and was asked what importance these have in the case. My answer was 'as important as my client's string panties'." So please, tell every lawyer you know to do the same. What underwear a woman wears is only a concern for herself.
diane a 6 years ago (edited)
I agree - any rape case should ask what underwear the suspect was wearing at the time - read something about this - there were some weird things. Like - eww - leggings with "specific" cut-outs
Load More Replies...
Artahmiss 6 years ago
Cannot upvote this enough. Why should someone else's lack of control be my responsibility? I can dress frumpy and it's still possible that a man will be aroused by something. The goddamn wind can blow and a man can be aroused, yet I should be able to successfully mitigate the effects of that? News flash women don't usually succeed despite the "steps" that they take to protect themselves and yet it's still somehow their fault.
Aunt Messy 6 years ago
Women in their '80s get raped. Coma patients get raped. Physically disabled people get raped. Mentally disabled people get raped at a higher rate than just about any other group. ...///... Rape is 100% the fault of the rapist. There is no debate. Anyone who makes excuses for rapists deserves a smack on the face with a dead salmon and to sleep in the garage forever.
Load More Replies...
Bunzilla 6 years ago
Amen. This has also baffled me for a long time, about how the victim of assault is somehow seen as being 'responsible' for it. I could also never understand just why many men seem incapable of controlling themselves, yet they want to control everything else around them instead. And if something or someone doesn't obey them, they get angry, and often violent. Then the victim somehow gets the blame for it, despite it being because of his lack of control. No excuses for those who can't control their own arousal. It's their fault, no one else's.
Aunt Messy 6 years ago
Well and the idiots here like John and his buddies are telling us that they're too stupid and weak to keep it in their pants. Given that they're a bunch or MRA incels who hate women and feel entitled to them, you'd think they'd stop insulting themselves, but I guess they're too stupid to see that.
Load More Replies...
Kevin Stern 6 years ago
He is 100% when it comes to rape culture and it is the man's responsibility to control his actions. That being said, he also said that he may have been aroused and didn't act on it. That's exactly another point. What you wear may arouse a man, so you may catch him looking at you, but that doesn't make a guy a pervert or predator, but it also doesn't make catcalling and things like that acceptable.
Meowton Mewsk 6 years ago
I think if this were more clear to people then both genders would get it more. People are going to look at and internally react to what you look like. That’s part of how we decide how to present ourselves. But clothing doesn’t take away a person’s right to not be harassed. It’s so obvious that I feel redundant even typing it out.
Load More Replies...
Aunt Messy 6 years ago
I adore this man! He's a hero, and the perfect person to be raising daughters.
Aunt Messy 6 years ago
@date - Nope. You need to reread what you said. You essentially told us that if your daughters don't toe your line, they're going to get raped and they deserve it. You are a sick little puppy.
Load More Replies...
Daria Z 6 years ago
He made a very good point. What many people need to learn these days is a bit of self control. Not only in men vs. women relationship, but in any social relationships in general.
Si 6 years ago
Rape isn’t about loss of control, but the exercise of control.
Load More Replies... Cats 6 years ago
Once my family was visiting this family with some boys. It was EXTREMELY hot, so hot that school was canceled that day, so I naturally chose to wear a tank top. My grandmother and mother of forced me to change. My mother's exact words were, "They have boys, they might not appreciate if you wear something so revealing"
Bunzilla 6 years ago
Pretty messed up... guys can walk around shirtless, and nobody bats an eye. But if a girl wears a tank top, or a sports bra, everybody loses their minds. I remember our school being real sticklers about girls not wearing tank tops, even when it was just sweltering outside. They'd force you to wear (often dark!) t-shirts instead, and several girls would get dehydrated and / or heat exhaustion every year because of it. All because 'it would distract the boys'.
Load More Replies...
Ozacoter 6 years ago
Not only we need to dress modestly to not be called sluts and be molested. Aparently the worth of a woman is also correlated to her atractiveness, so if you dress too modestly you are a prude or a tomboy. So we are suposed to be hot but just not hot enough that men wants to rape us...The worth of a person is determined by her choices, by how you treat others. It has nothing to do with your looks.
Danielle Holder 6 years ago
Except men will rape anything with a hole, regardless of what they/it looks like.
Load More Replies...
Daria B 6 years ago (edited)
His words should be printed out on an official signed document and become the law. Seriously.
Magpie 6 years ago
It is already against the law to assault people. Why is it so hard to get rapists convicted. Why do something like 80 -90 % of rape survivors NOT report it ?
Load More Replies...
Gracie Mae 6 years ago
Very well put! THANK YOU--it doesn't matter how it is brought to light (man vs woman), what matters is that people start listening, thinking and taking responsibility for their own feelings (of arousal/inadequacies, whatever). STOP BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE!
Lingon 6 years ago
The swedish lawyer Elisabeth Massi Fritz got fed up with her clients getting asked about their underwear they were wearing when they were raped. So this is what she did: "I asked the perpetrator to describe their underwear in a questioning and was asked what importance these have in the case. My answer was 'as important as my client's string panties'." So please, tell every lawyer you know to do the same. What underwear a woman wears is only a concern for herself.
diane a 6 years ago (edited)
I agree - any rape case should ask what underwear the suspect was wearing at the time - read something about this - there were some weird things. Like - eww - leggings with "specific" cut-outs
Load More Replies... Artahmiss 6 years ago
Cannot upvote this enough. Why should someone else's lack of control be my responsibility? I can dress frumpy and it's still possible that a man will be aroused by something. The goddamn wind can blow and a man can be aroused, yet I should be able to successfully mitigate the effects of that? News flash women don't usually succeed despite the "steps" that they take to protect themselves and yet it's still somehow their fault.
Aunt Messy 6 years ago
Women in their '80s get raped. Coma patients get raped. Physically disabled people get raped. Mentally disabled people get raped at a higher rate than just about any other group. ...///... Rape is 100% the fault of the rapist. There is no debate. Anyone who makes excuses for rapists deserves a smack on the face with a dead salmon and to sleep in the garage forever.
Load More Replies... Bunzilla 6 years ago
Amen. This has also baffled me for a long time, about how the victim of assault is somehow seen as being 'responsible' for it. I could also never understand just why many men seem incapable of controlling themselves, yet they want to control everything else around them instead. And if something or someone doesn't obey them, they get angry, and often violent. Then the victim somehow gets the blame for it, despite it being because of his lack of control. No excuses for those who can't control their own arousal. It's their fault, no one else's.
Aunt Messy 6 years ago
Well and the idiots here like John and his buddies are telling us that they're too stupid and weak to keep it in their pants. Given that they're a bunch or MRA incels who hate women and feel entitled to them, you'd think they'd stop insulting themselves, but I guess they're too stupid to see that.
Load More Replies... Kevin Stern 6 years ago
He is 100% when it comes to rape culture and it is the man's responsibility to control his actions. That being said, he also said that he may have been aroused and didn't act on it. That's exactly another point. What you wear may arouse a man, so you may catch him looking at you, but that doesn't make a guy a pervert or predator, but it also doesn't make catcalling and things like that acceptable.
Meowton Mewsk 6 years ago
I think if this were more clear to people then both genders would get it more. People are going to look at and internally react to what you look like. That’s part of how we decide how to present ourselves. But clothing doesn’t take away a person’s right to not be harassed. It’s so obvious that I feel redundant even typing it out.
Load More Replies... Aunt Messy 6 years ago
I adore this man! He's a hero, and the perfect person to be raising daughters.
Aunt Messy 6 years ago
@date - Nope. You need to reread what you said. You essentially told us that if your daughters don't toe your line, they're going to get raped and they deserve it. You are a sick little puppy.
Load More Replies... Daria Z 6 years ago
He made a very good point. What many people need to learn these days is a bit of self control. Not only in men vs. women relationship, but in any social relationships in general.
Si 6 years ago
Rape isn’t about loss of control, but the exercise of control.
Load More Replies... Cats 6 years ago
Once my family was visiting this family with some boys. It was EXTREMELY hot, so hot that school was canceled that day, so I naturally chose to wear a tank top. My grandmother and mother of forced me to change. My mother's exact words were, "They have boys, they might not appreciate if you wear something so revealing"
Bunzilla 6 years ago
Pretty messed up... guys can walk around shirtless, and nobody bats an eye. But if a girl wears a tank top, or a sports bra, everybody loses their minds. I remember our school being real sticklers about girls not wearing tank tops, even when it was just sweltering outside. They'd force you to wear (often dark!) t-shirts instead, and several girls would get dehydrated and / or heat exhaustion every year because of it. All because 'it would distract the boys'.
Load More Replies... Ozacoter 6 years ago
Not only we need to dress modestly to not be called sluts and be molested. Aparently the worth of a woman is also correlated to her atractiveness, so if you dress too modestly you are a prude or a tomboy. So we are suposed to be hot but just not hot enough that men wants to rape us...The worth of a person is determined by her choices, by how you treat others. It has nothing to do with your looks.
Danielle Holder 6 years ago
Except men will rape anything with a hole, regardless of what they/it looks like.
Load More Replies... Daria B 6 years ago (edited)
His words should be printed out on an official signed document and become the law. Seriously.
Magpie 6 years ago
It is already against the law to assault people. Why is it so hard to get rapists convicted. Why do something like 80 -90 % of rape survivors NOT report it ?
Load More Replies... Gracie Mae 6 years ago
Very well put! THANK YOU--it doesn't matter how it is brought to light (man vs woman), what matters is that people start listening, thinking and taking responsibility for their own feelings (of arousal/inadequacies, whatever). STOP BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE!
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