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51 Times People Lasted For Over 20 Years In A Marriage And Then Something Switched
A marriage that ends in divorce typically lasts about eight years, give or take. So when one hears from a couple that has been together for, say, twenty years, it’s easy to think that they really have it all figured out.
So someone asked the internet “people who got divorced at 25 plus years of marriage, what was the final straw?” and netizens shared their stories. So get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and if you know of any similar experiences, be sure to detail them in the comments section down below.
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#1
Her morbid obesity. It literally destroyed our intimate life, her ability to travel, her health, and the thought of a future with her. The CPAP machine, having to book 3 seats on a flight for the 2 of us, the empty promises of weight loss only to find candy bar wrappers in the trash, finding yourself looking at class 1 obese people with lust by comparison, having to call hotels/doctors/businesses and verify there was an elevator... and all of it to wind up sitting alone honestly wondering how long they're going to live, how long until they're permanently in the wheel chair because their lifestyle finally caught up to them. it get's EXHAUSTING and at some point you realize its a prison for yourself more than anyone else.
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#2
I was a consultant that traveled to various cool places, think San Franciso, Vancouver BC, Boston, NYC, and other various places. The company had a policy that if I stayed over the weekend, they would fly my spouse to my location, pay for the hotel and provide a per diem. My ex-wife refused to fly to me. After a few years of sometimes staying places by myself, I knew it was over. I can recall the exact time and place. I was sitting on a grassy hill enjoying a mini-picnic with items I purchased at Granville Island public market. I realized I had had one of the best days ever and had no one to share it with. 27 years of marriage over.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 9 hours ago
Unfortunately, not everyone is into traveling. I'm definitely a homebody type myself, so I can understand both sides of this, though it must have súcked for OP. In the end, their lifestyles and preferences were just incompatible.
#3
My parents split a little before 25 years but technically the divorce wasn't finalized until after....turns out my dad is gay. She had known for a few years but they were staying together until my sister and I were out of high school. .
#4
My dad started standing up for himself after years of walking on egg shells....my mom didn't like that.
#5
I was married for 24 years. My ex-wife was manipulative, had to be in the center of attention and constantly lied. There was drama constantly. For me the final straw game when she called the police several times when she didn’t get her way. The embarrassment of the neighbors watching as the police came to the front door was the last straw for me.
#6
Just finalized the divorce a couple months back.
Earbuds.
There were other straws, to be sure, but the final one were her earbuds. She ALWAYS had them in, scrolling facebook and listening to books and just would isolate herself into her own little world. We used to be great at communicating, talking things out and making decisions as a team, but after she got earbuds anytime I wanted to talk with her about anything there was this friction in getting her attention and interrupting whatever it was she had decided was more important that participating in life.
The loneliest point in my life was sitting on the couch next to my wife of 25 years.
#7
My parents divorced after 26 years of growing into very different people. They got married because my mom was pregnant with my brother. They built a life together, and were good parents to us and co-parents with each other, and I there was a lot of love there.
But my parents were always very different people. My dad is Mr Social Butterfly, and my mom loves a quiet evening at home. By the time I was in my teens, they were living entirely separate lives. They didn’t even watch the same TV shows. By the time they realized how far apart they had drifted, it was too late to fix it. They’re both a lot happier now, remarried, living exactly the kind of lives they wanted to live but weren’t able to while trying to balance the other’s lifestyle.
#8
My dad had surgery and was later also diagnosed with dementia. His mind was pretty lost (in my eyes) . He told my mom who he had been with 40 years that he was moving out. He allowed his children from a previous marriage to treat her awfully . They went into their house to pack his clothes and threw stuff everywhere. My sister and niece had been paying utilities so he switched them all to his new apt, the money was going on hia account. My moms lights, and gas cut off. We had to get it turned back on. We moved her out to a nice suburban apt.
I cut that man off so fast . He also slept with a woman from our old church.
Yet when he was breathing his last breaths, he called mom. She convinced me to visit him in the nursing home. I began going on Sunday mornings 9 a.m with coffee and donuts. Sometimes he knew who I was Sometimes he didnt. But id sit there and then leave to go to church.
My mom's life is flourishing. We take her on trips. She has a friend group in her apt building.
#9
He prioritized work so much over the family that when I asked him to take a day off for my grandmother's funeral, he lied to me and told me he did.
Spoiler: he did not.
Later told me he 'did what he had to to get a promotion'
It was the final straw. I left. Id rather be alone than with a non-partner.
#10
My mother had been using threats of divorce to control my father for years. The last time, to her dismay and great surprise, he accepted.
#11
Realisation that we were co-workers. we actually didn’t like each other very much, we’d just been assigned to the same team and focused on project delivery (raising the kids). You know that person at work that you can tolerate in small doses as long as you’re talking about work but you’ve got nothing in common, different values and you’d never hang out together outside of work? Don’t be married to that person.
My life is now infinitely better.
#12
Blowing our saving in secret and cheating in my face just to hurt my feelings and laughing at me. Now he's busted financially chasing his vices. I'm im a 1 bedroom apt with a dog and being frugal. Wonder who is winning? I spent more than half my life trying to make it work with that MF.
#13
My wife's grandparents split in their 90s after 60+ years together. Everyone thought it was bonkers.
Turns out her Gran had lost some mental clarity and was manipulated by one of her sons to get a divorce so he could siphon money from her (half of everything, properties sold etc). Really ugly and toxic family situation.
#14
I've been married for 35 years but my husband's drinking has gotten out of control and I just can't take it anymore. I have to get my affairs in order and initiate a separation. It will likely be messy.
Woundwort42 4 hours ago
I'm going to mention the AlAnon page on reddit again. It's full of people advising on how to do this
#15
We've had 3 of these in the family in the last 10 years.
One couple (my parents) was because he had clutter blindness and would leave things everywhere, which wasn't fair ever but became an issue as they agreed. In her case, she already hated housekeeping so she wasn't willing to continue to manage the extra work when her body's aging made the work much harder. They divorced, he got a smaller place and hired a cleaning person, and they remained best friends.
The other, my brother, was incredibly fun, romantic, and a great provider but rarely completed things when he said he would and was pretty verbally unkind when drunk. He developed cancer and then chose alcoholism. She tolerated the verbal violence when it was rare throughout their marriage, but when it became all day, she left. We learned that it's pretty common apparently. She's stand by him with cancer, but not being a jerk and blaming cancer.
Finally, my sister found out he was sleeping with a student. She tolerated his indifference, assumed affairs, and poor money management for 25 years. But a student was an ethical line she wouldn't allow. Of note, it was the fastest divorce ever-- the court was as offended as the rest of us.
#16
My husband, after getting epilepsy and then diabetes became an angry violent person who spent every waking hour denigrating me! He finally physically attacked me. I drove away!
I’m very happy with my private single life. I have incredible friends and family. I’m very lucky.
#17
My dad developed an alcohol problem in his 40s and was diagnosed as bipolar. He didn't like how the bipolar meds made him feel, so he wouldn't take them. Their marriage was never especially happy, but my mother told him she would stay IF he totally quit drinking and took his bipolar meds. He did neither. She had divorce papers served on him at work. He was SHOCKED!
He was never an easy man to get along with, but after 35 years of marriage, I asked my mother "Why now?"
She said she wanted a peaceful retirement. I thought that was fair.
#18
There's an old joke about two elderly people divorcing - him 96 and her 92. They're in the lawyers office and the lawyer says Why? Why at this point would you two divorce? She answers: We were waiting for the kids to pass away.
#20
Menopause caused a psychological break in my mother. That's when they got divorced.
#21
I'm ready to leave after two decades now. He's in therapy, taking meds, etc. He's doing better in a lot of ways, but intimacy just seems to be the one thing he won't work on for us. I'm intensely lonely, this just can't be the rest of my life.
#22
Cheating. Multiple times and not casual relationships. It all came out at once and I ended it.
She had been sleeping with her bosses - I'd had my suspicions but am a trusting person. Bonus? Everyone knew but me. Bye.
#23
My wife and I are separating just shy of 29 years. She became a very angry and critical person and I'm tired of living on eggshells to try and hold her anger in check.
#24
I know of a couple who got divorced after 35ish years after it came to light the husband had fathered a baby - with someone who was not his wife - about 30 years earlier. She had matched with the children he did have with his wife on 23&me.
#25
One day we noticed our ability to communicate deeply with each disappeared and neither of us knew when or noticed.
I felt invisible. She felt alone.
We ended it. Couldn't bridge the gap. We didnt even want to. .
#26
My parents divorced after 35 years. They retired too young, he got bored and started carrying on affairs. She was willing to go to counseling and try to work through it but his attitude was "it's no big deal, let's just sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened." He completely dismissed her feelings of betrayal and it was too much.
Even when they called me to tell me what was going on and that they had reached a final decision, he gave this whole mea culpa "i take responsibility" speech but then he completely negated it with "but I believe everything happens for a reason." Yeah, the reason is that you're a selfish jerk who stepped out on the woman who sacrificed so much of herself to support you for all those years.
He couldn't even be bothered to show up for the final divorce hearing because it conflicted with his daily tennis game.
#27
Divorced at the 25 year mark.
I actually don't have a clear idea of what happened. I had a couple of emergency health issues with hospitalization. My partner responded by being surprisingly absent. When I build up the courage to ask into it, I was met with anger and frustration over "my needs for attention" following the health crisis.
I thought long and hard about it, suggest more conversations and therapy, but that was met with more conflict. I realized that I cannot be in a partnership with someone who bails if there is an emergency. Especially as we grow older. It got really lonely all of a sudden and that is not what I think a marriage and partnership should be or feel like. It was a really tough realization and even tougher decision. The grief is devastating and I miss them daily.
I'm so much better today. My health is under control and my life is less stressful from not having to fix a relationship.
#28
Final straw was telling me to SHHHHH in my living room because “they can hear us”.
Now he’s a full on flat earther, conspiracy nut job.
Katiekat 1 hour ago
One time a man shushed me, in a meeting with others. I YELLED at him, "DO NOT EVER SHUSH ME". Showing anger is power, and he never did that again. And sorry this person had to deal with a conspiracy theorist. They are THE most illogical and irrational people ever. Hard pass.
#29
She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She went to group but didn’t do her homework and continued to take her anger out on me. I tried self-help books, courses and marriage counseling, but she would do things like lie to the marriage counsellor and would just turn into a ragdoll mid session - pretending her body didn’t work and that she was shut down, but only when she was asked a direct question. I finally grew a backbone and got out after 30 years even though I was a stay at home dad for a special-needs kid and didn’t have the financial situation to leave.
#30
After 35 years, I decided it was either leave him or stab him in the hand with a pickle fork at the dinner table. I retired and moved halfway around the world and I couldn’t be happier!
#31
Not my parents but I work in an open office environment and a lady near me is going through a divorce. The husband had a stroke a year or two back and that really ramped up his yelling at everything and anger compounded with alcohol problems.
#32
25 years of working hard whilst she struggled to hold down a job for more than a couple of weeks - always someone else’s fault.
#33
Together for 30 years
She became controlling. Couldn't just go off to be alone for awhile without some explicit reason to leave the house. I was always "up to something". Made a bunch of unfounded and wild suppositions about my married female friend. Would constantly start fights about said friend as well. Never once believed me that there was nothing going on. Would never go to my family functions but was mandatory to go to hers.
As a result, I withdrew and became sullen. Wouldn't bother mentioning any interactions with people because it would lead to an argument. Became resentful.
Oddly, we are better friends now that we dont live with each other anymore.
#34
Parents married 35 years, combo of alcoholism + finances. My dad was secretly taking out lines of credit and getting into major debt. Mom had to refinance house to help pay off his debt. From what I’ve gathered, the last straw was him buying groceries and other normal household goods on her debit card, then going back to get a refund for cash, which he would use to buy liquor. It was really sad. They loved each other to the end. .
#35
Not me but my friend’s in-laws.
After 29 years of marriage, my friend’s wife, the youngest of four girls, went off to college (friend and wife got married after college, but were dating in high school).
The day after her mom and dad moved her into the dorm, her mom told her dad, “I want a divorce. I married you because you got me pregnant. I thought having more kids would change my feelings for you, but it didn’t. I stayed with you for the kids, and now that [friend’s wife] is at [university hundreds of miles away], I’m done.”
Broke the dad’s heart, and ended up splitting the sisters as one sided with mom and three sided with dad. They sisters have reconciled but the mom and dad are virtually non-existent to each other.
#36
My parents divorced after 25 years of marriage, and I was so relieved when they finally announced it. (I was a senior in college at the time.) My entire childhood consisted of them fighting and yelling at each other (and sometimes they’d slap at each other too, or my dad would flip the kitchen table, or plates would be thrown). They never seemed like they liked each other or enjoyed each other’s company. So much so that I’d be uncomfortable seeing my friends’ parents hold hands and kiss or be affectionate, bc in my mind parents didn’t like each other.
Just a very hostile house to grow up in and really affected my brother and I when we were kids. I’m older so I’d try to moderate the fights and get yelled at. After screaming matches, if there was a backpack left out, or a toy on the floor…the screaming would get redirected to us. My parents were 2 very emotionally immature people with zero communication skills so nothing ever got resolved.
They stayed together because my family was catholic and the “shame” of divorce was discouraged and my mom only worked part-time and didn’t have money of her own and she felt like she couldn’t support herself.
After my brother left for college, my mom started going to watch local blues bands play and stayed out all hours. She’d found a boyfriend and a new group of friends. She told my dad she wanted a divorce. My dad went nuclear and they tried to do some counseling but it was a pretty acrimonious divorce and they acted like petty kids for about 10-15 years afterwards. My dad blamed my mom for cheating and getting “his” money in the divorce. My mom blamed my dad for being a bully and never wanting to “go out and do things” during the marriage. Just 25 years of resentment, passive aggression, and unresolved conflict.
They should have divorced when I was about 7 or 8. Not when I was 23. They could have had a shot at living happier lives, showing my brother and I healthier examples of relationships, being happier people themselves. Who cares about divorce “stigma”. Financially, sure it would have been more difficult, but I wish they would have found a way. When people meet my parents now, they are in disbelief that those 2 ppl could ever have been married. My mom got married at 25 to escape living w her parents. My dad got married bc he thought my mom would follow the traditional Italian-American gender roles his parents followed. None of that worked out.
So all of this is to say: I have spent a small fortune on therapy for myself over the years! Kids in a loveless/resentful marriage don’t benefit when they parents stay together. Kids deserve happy parents and an upbringing that shows them what love is. Don’t stay in a marriage just for the sake of staying.
#37
Mom left Dad, he got the papers on their 30th anniversary.
My sister had gotten engaged 3 years earlier and the 3 of them mom, dad and my sister sat down together and agreed on a sizeable budget for the wedding. Mom found out without her agreement, that sister went to dad and complained for more, over and over again.
More than tripled the budget. At this point they have almost no money because his job was on hold for Hurricane Katrina and he put them in about 120k debt.
My sister's marriage didn't last as long as the debt did.
#38
When he said "just because you have breast cancer doesn't mean we're not getting divorced". This was a week or so post-diagnosis and my first indication that he was done trying. Happened around year 23.5...
#39
My parents divorced after 30 years. I was the catalyst. I came out to my dad and intentionally did so in front of my mom in a peaceful but pushy way. Made him admit of his own accord he sees it as sinful.
She was willing to let him beat her kids, insult everyone, do nothing around the house but complain, and be an all around menace, but I guess finally seeing that he believes I'm a sin was the final straw for her.
Kate Johnson 1 hour ago
Yeah, that's too little too late to ever be considered a decent mother. Good mothers NEVER stay and let their children be a****d.
#40
There wasn't a single one, but a few big ones.
We had been going through a very rough patch for years. I was at the end of my rope and had to much on my plate between house things, financial, and work in general. I asked to talk about it with her and I got, "im to stressed right now, but ill keep it in mind"
That answer had been happening for years.
I wanted to go to couples therapy because I thought it was the last way to try and get these issues out in the open. After weeks of fighting and even the comment, "well when it dosent work out you need to be OK with that."
During the consult she made a low blow comment on my weight. After that I realized it was pointless and left a week later. She said she was blindsided. .
#41
My parents are currently in the process of getting a divorce. They have been together for 33+ years and married for 25. It has been coming a long time. Ever since I moved out they couldn't take it out on me anymore so they had to target each other more and it ultimately led to them drinking heavily and becoming more toxic than ever. My mother is having a mid life crisis and finally snapped and is moving out. My dad somehow still thinks they have a future. He can't let go.
#42
Together for 30 years, married 25.
Alcohol. Womanizing.
And we had 3 kids that were growing up and seeing it all.
#43
My parents got divorced when I was in college. There was.....a lot of drama that led up to it. The final straw was my dad relapsing on alcohol (for the umpteenth time) and throwing a chair at my youngest sister.
#44
31 years together. He had an affair with a colleague at work. She unfortunately passed away. At her funeral he met her (adult) daughter and started an affair with her on the same day.
#45
My parents separated after 30 years together and no one saw it coming. I blame it on empty nest syndrome. I'm the youngest of 4 boys and I moved out at 18 to go to college. I was in my third year when my dad called me to tell me my mom was moving out. When he called I was on a date at a restaurant.
#47
Separated after 26 years of marriage. There were so many reasons, but mostly I felt taken for granted. He hardly spent time with us as just our family unit. I felt like a single mom. Everything seemed to be my responsibility.
#48
My parents split after 49 years. I don’t think they ever truly liked each other. I asked my mom what took so long. .
#49
When he thought I was part of a conspiracy against him. He refused to seek treatment so I left.
#50
She decided that we were done being intimate halfway through the honeymoon.
We spent the next 20 years being strangers in our own home.
#51
Our 25th anniversary was this summer. Both in our 50s and have 2 teenage sons. Been doing couples therapy for a couple years and then I ended up doing individual therapy through a series of events (ADHD diagnosis, PTSD questions arose from that evaluation, etc, etc). Was also raised in a very religious upbringing and have no family or friends who are divorced.
Anyway, eventually got to a point where I realized I was just trying to make something work I knew couldn’t work for me over 2 decades ago.
My (ex) wife and I are still trying to figure out how to best support our sons. Hope it’s for the best but it’s early days. But I do know we shouldn’t be married and try to find hope in living in honesty instead of just pretending.
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Gerry Higgins 11 hours ago
After 30 years I got a lingering illness. Husband couldn't wait for me to d*e and found a replacement for me.... I found out, dumped him and the "replacement" didn't want him full time either. HAHA
LakotaWolf (she/her) 9 hours ago
I moved home two years ago after 25 years with my boyfriend (only lived with him for 3 years.) We started dating when I was 18 and he was 19. Unsurprisingly, we ended up becoming two drastically different people as grown adults. I was shocked how far apart our beliefs and personal stances ended up being. The fact that he tried to control how I dressed, what I ate/my exercise/weight, etc. in the guise of "helping me" also didn't help our relationship. I dyed my hair for the first time in my life when I was 41 and got to hear about how I was now the stereotypical "fat middle-aged white woman with blue hair". I've never been single as an adult, and it's difficult and lonely sometimes, but I couldn't be myself with him.
Sandy Jones 5 hours ago
Mine after 30 years, spouse was a constant complainer. It's better to be alone then in bad company.
Gerry Higgins 11 hours ago
After 30 years I got a lingering illness. Husband couldn't wait for me to d*e and found a replacement for me.... I found out, dumped him and the "replacement" didn't want him full time either. HAHA
LakotaWolf (she/her) 9 hours ago
I moved home two years ago after 25 years with my boyfriend (only lived with him for 3 years.) We started dating when I was 18 and he was 19. Unsurprisingly, we ended up becoming two drastically different people as grown adults. I was shocked how far apart our beliefs and personal stances ended up being. The fact that he tried to control how I dressed, what I ate/my exercise/weight, etc. in the guise of "helping me" also didn't help our relationship. I dyed my hair for the first time in my life when I was 41 and got to hear about how I was now the stereotypical "fat middle-aged white woman with blue hair". I've never been single as an adult, and it's difficult and lonely sometimes, but I couldn't be myself with him.
Sandy Jones 5 hours ago
Mine after 30 years, spouse was a constant complainer. It's better to be alone then in bad company.
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