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54
“You Married A Child”: Man Wants To Go On A Family Trip At The Worst Possible Time, Angers Wife
Communication is key when it comes to relationships. So what happens when one person completely shuts down after an argument, and goes into stonewalling mode? Nothing good comes from the silent treatment and it can end up making the situation worse, as the following story proves.
One woman has shared how her husband’s chosen to jet off on a trip with his mother, leaving her behind to deal with renovations, moving house and a toddler. Despite her begging him to stay and help, the man made it clear he’d be doing what suits him. He has shut down ahead of the trip. Not only is he ignoring her, but he’s refusing to help care for their child before he leaves. She needs advice.
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Why it’s not good to act like a brick wall, according to the experts
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Relationship experts from the Gottman Institute describe stonewalling as someone withdrawing from an argument, conflict or interaction, by shutting down and closing themselves off from the other person. They’ve metaphorically built a wall between them and their partner. This happens because they are feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded, explains the team at Gottman.
“Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be totally unresponsive, making evasive maneuver such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors,” reads the site.
Since communication is key to a happy relationship, stonewalling is clearly not the best way to handle conflict. In fact, when one partner continuously does this, it can have detrimental effects on both individuals.
The Gottman Institute’s site explains that stonewalling leads to a decrease in both partners’ ability to process information. This means reduced hearing, reduced peripheral vision, and problems with shifting attention away from a defensive posture.
It also creates an increase in defensiveness. The couple will struggle to find creative ways to solve problems. And the ability to listen and empathize is likely to fly out the window.
“Men are consistently more likely to stonewall than women,” reveals the Gottman Institute. “They will withdraw emotionally from conflict discussions while women remain emotionally engaged.” The Institute’s research has found that 85% of stonewallers studied in their “Love Lab” were men.
They also found that male stonewalling is very upsetting for women, “increasing their physiological arousal (things like increased heart rates, etc.) and intensifying their pursuit of the issue.”
Notably, the experts say when women stonewall, you should expect divorce papers to follow. They’ve basically had enough.
Many rallied behind the wife, with some going so far as to suggest a divorce
Some felt that everyone needed to do better in this situation
“He’s your husband, not your child”: Not everyone took the wife’s side
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What do you think ?
The_Nicest_Misanthrope 1 week ago
OP's marriage sounds about as much fun as a waterboarding session
Kate Johnson 1 week ago (edited)
I would tell him to go on his trip. While he was away, I'd leave him on read and never answer the phone. I'd spend all my time getting a job, arranging for childcare and contacting a realtor to sell the house we were planning to renovate. When he got home I'd tell him that we will not be moving and that I've arranged with a realtor to sell the house. That I'm not sure I want to be married to him anymore so there's no point in doing a bunch of renovation on a house we likely won't live in for long. I'd tell him I will be going back to work and he will be paying for childcare, either while were married or when the court orders him to pay it, and that we can either get marriage counseling or break up right now. This guy is a terrible partner.
The_Nicest_Misanthrope 1 week ago
OP's marriage sounds about as much fun as a waterboarding session
Kate Johnson 1 week ago (edited)
I would tell him to go on his trip. While he was away, I'd leave him on read and never answer the phone. I'd spend all my time getting a job, arranging for childcare and contacting a realtor to sell the house we were planning to renovate. When he got home I'd tell him that we will not be moving and that I've arranged with a realtor to sell the house. That I'm not sure I want to be married to him anymore so there's no point in doing a bunch of renovation on a house we likely won't live in for long. I'd tell him I will be going back to work and he will be paying for childcare, either while were married or when the court orders him to pay it, and that we can either get marriage counseling or break up right now. This guy is a terrible partner.
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