When we agree to take someone “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part,” are we also agreeing to full transparency of how much we have saved up in the bank?

One woman recently detailed on Reddit how her husband became extremely upset when he learned she had saved thousands of dollars in her “fun money” account and was able to make a large purchase. Now, she’s wondering if she should have handled the situation differently, so below, you’ll find the full story, as well as a conversation with Adam Kol, the Couples Financial Coach. 

This woman and her husband each have separate personal accounts that they’re able to spend on whatever they please

Image credits: micens (not the actual photo)

But after she decided to spend several thousand dollars on gaming gear, her husband suddenly felt entitled to her money

Image credits: Prostock-studio (not the actual photo)

Image credits: LadySavings

Later, the woman responded to several comments and provided additional information on the situation

Most couples agree to keep at least a portion of their finances in separate accounts

Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)

While some people view tying the knot as a time to fully merge their life with their partner’s, not everyone feels the same way about how intertwined their financial lives should be. According to Bankrate, only 43% of couples in the US who are married, in a civil partnership or live together have exclusively joint bank accounts. One third have a mix of joint and separate bank accounts, and nearly a quarter have completely separate accounts. Younger generations seem to have a slightly different view on finances than their parents, as Millennial couples are the most likely to have separate bank accounts, with over two thirds keeping at least some of their money in separate accounts.

Couples also tend to make decisions about whether or not they should have combined accounts based on their level of income. Bankrate reports that 68% of couples who earn less than $50,000 per year keep at least a portion of their money in joint accounts, while 83% of couples who earn over $100,000 a year have some form of joint account. And while 61% of couples say they have conversations about money at least once a month, finances are still one of the most common issues for couples to argue about. 44% of couples admit that they fight about money “at least occasionally,” but that number is even higher for Millennials, with 49% of them arguing about finances.

Financial infidelity is a common issue in relationships, but this involves intentionally lying or hiding information

Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)

To gain a better understanding of this topic, we reached out to Adam Kol, the Couples Financial Coach. Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist, Certified Mediator, and attorney who has helped countless couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind. Adam shared with Bored Panda that most of his clients like to keep some sort of separate accounts to maintain freedom and the ability to surprise their partner. “Any setup can work if the couple is on the same page about it, but I believe a mix of joint and separate accounts is the best approach for most couples,” the expert says.

We were also curious what Adam’s thoughts were on financial infidelity and if this case qualifies. “I consider financial infidelity to be concealing or omitting financial information that you knew, or reasonably should have known, ought to have been shared with your significant other based on your relationship agreements and expectations,” he explained. And apparently it’s quite common, as about a third of couples say they have experienced some form of financial infidelity.

“More transparency may help calm the husband’s nerves if he’s genuinely feeling hurt, fearful, and the like”

“I likely would not consider this financial infidelity based on the wife’s description, as she appears to have acted within their agreed rules,” Adam noted. “However, the husband still claims to be experiencing betrayal, hurt, and mistrust, so they should dig into why this happened and how to heal or prevent it. For instance, given the lack of clarity from having their bonuses go into their separate accounts, more transparency may help calm the husband’s nerves if he’s genuinely feeling hurt, fearful, and the like.”

When it comes to whether or not couples should consult one another before making large purchases, the Couples Financial Coach says it’s up to them to agree on whether or not they want to be informed. “If [they do], the couple should establish what constitutes a large enough purchase to warrant disclosure,” Adam shared. “The best practice, however, in my opinion, is to keep each other generally in the loop financially, even about separate accounts and decisions. If that feels unsafe, ask yourself why and explore how you might work on that.”

One spouse controlling how the other spends their money can be a sign of financial abuse

Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual ohoto)

The woman who shared this story on Reddit explained that she and her husband were well aware of the fact that they had personal “fun money” accounts. They never asked one another exactly how much was in those accounts, but she was never keeping any secrets. He knew the account existed and that she would have about $1,500 to add to it each month. What she chose to do with that money was up to her. Her saving money does not seem to be a form of financial infidelity, but rather, him demanding she return items and start contributing more to their joint accounts might actually be a form of financial abuse on the husband’s part. 

According to Verywell Mind, some of the trademark signs of financial abuse are controlling how your partner spends their money, criticizing financial decisions they make, having double standards when it comes to spending, demanding that their partner get permission before making purchases, and becoming angry over finances. This may involve subtle tactics like manipulation at first and grow more overt over time.

We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this woman had the right to spend her hard-earned money on some new gaming gear for herself? Feel free to share in the comments below, and then if you’re interested in checking out another Bored Panda article discussing finances in a relationship, look no further than right here! And if you’re looking for some personal financial advice for you and your partner, be sure to visit the Couples Financial Coach’s website right here!    

Readers assured the woman that she had done nothing wrong, noting that her personal money should not be her husband’s concern

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