There is a collective of Tumblr users who are very concerned about what would aliens would think of humans if they had the chance to interact with us. It may be a strange thing to speculate about, but it is definitely an excellent writing prompt. A handful of these curious minds have decided to write stories about alien reactions to the things that make us human. Spoiler alert: according to extraterrestrial beings, humans are pretty weird. So naturally, if there's no other planet in the galaxy with similar climate and biodiversity, aliens are in for a huge surprise! Scroll below to read stories about probably the weirdest species on the galaxy. (Facebook cover image: Rev Stan)
Alien: “I’m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?”
Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”
Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”
Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.”
Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”
Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”
Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”
Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.”
Alien: “……. We’ve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.”
Alien: “You’re telling me that you have… settlements. On islands with active volcanism?”
Human: “Well, yeah. I’m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it’s kind of a tourist attraction.”
Alien: “What, the molten rock?”
Human: “Well, yeah! It’s not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano–”
Alien: “You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?”
Human: “S**t, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.”
Alien: “And you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?”
Human: “Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”
Alien: “Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”
Human: “… well, actually…”
Alien: “… what?”
Human: “…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”
Human: “we sent-”
Alien: “no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”
Alien: “and they didn’t… die?”
Human: “Well the first few did”
Alien: “PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”
My new favorite Humans are Weird quote
Alien: “PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”
aka The History of Russia
aka Arctic Exploration
aka The History of Alaska
It occurs to me that as much as “humans are the scary ones” fit sometimes, if you look at it another way, humans might seem like the absurdly friendly or curious ones.
I mean, who looked at an elephant, gigantic creature thoroughly capable of killing someone if it has to, and thought “I’m gonna ride on that thing!”?
And put a human near any canine predator and there’s a strong chance of said human yelling “PUPPY!” and initiating playful interaction with it.
And what about the people who look at whales, bigger than basically everything else, and decide “I’m gonna swim with our splashy danger friends!”
Heck, for all we know, humans might run into the scariest, toughest aliens out there and say “Heck with it. I’m gonna hug ‘em.”
“I dunno. I gotta hug ‘em.”
And it’s like the first friendly interaction the species has had in forever so suddenly humanity has a bunch of big scary friends.
“Commander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans.”
“Why? Are they more aggressive than we anticipated?”
“It seems to be the opposite Commander. Just this morning a crewman nearly lost their hand when attempting to stroke an unidentified feline on an unknown world. Their reaction to the attack was to call the creature a “mean kitty” and vow to win it over. Upon inquiry, it seems they bond so readily with creatures outside their species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alien creature they have never seen before simply because it appears distressed. I hate to say this commander but we must install a rule to prevent them from endangering their own lives when interacting with the galaxy’s fauna.”
“I see what you mean. So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch unknown animals without permission from a superior officer. And send a message to supplies about acquiring one of these “puppies” so that their desire to touch furred predators can be safely sated.
Let's be honest, the humans would ignore the hell outta that rule whenever alone.
“So I hear that you’ve just recruited a human for your ship.”
“Yes, it’s the first time that I’ve worked with these species, but they come highly recommended. Say, you’ve worked with a few, what tips can you give me? I’d hate to have some kind of cultural misunderstanding if it’s avoidable.”
“The first rule of working with humans is to never leave them unsupervised.”
“I’m serious. Don’t do it. Things. Happen.”
“But wait, I thought that I heard you highly recommended that every crew should have at least one on board?”
“Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excellent innovators and are psychologically very resilient. If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded with your crew properly can be invaluable. Treat your human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew member. Their ability to get on with almost any species is legendary.”
“But Toks, didn’t you just say…”
“The trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anything. If you leave them unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into. It was sheer luck that the Fanzorians thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown Prince to coo at him.”
“Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pixia?”
“The very same. Surprisingly good sense of humor. But don’t even get me started on that one time with the Dunlip. Al-Human wanted to know if they could keep it. As a pet.”
“A Dunlip? You mean the 3-metre tall apex predators from Jowun?”
“Yup. Don’t leave your humans unsupervised.”
“I’ll uh, take that under advisement.”
“Seriously. Get a supply of safe animals for the humans to bond with or they will make their own. I mean, they will try to befriend anything they come across anyway, but without any permanent pets they can get… creative. Don’t even get me started on the time one of them taped a knife to one of our auto-cleaners and named it Stabby.
Three weeks in and when we finally caught the wretched thing, half the humans on crew tried to revolt about us “killing” Stabby by removing the knife.
“How… how did you resolve that sir?”
“Glaxcol made a toy knife out of insulation rubber and strapped that on instead. Quite a creative solution, I suppose.”
“And that sated the humans?
“They thought it was so funny they made a second one, strapped false eyes on springs to both and held mock battles. Then decided Stabby and Knifey were in love and now none of them will allow the others to stage fights between them any more.”
“So, if I supply my Humans with safe bonding pets they will behave better when on other planets? Where do I get safe bonding pets?”
“Realizing the havoc their species created with their bonding needs, Earth has been kind enough to create an intergalactic ‘pet’ shop as they call it, the order forms are on the bridge.”
“If they get a pet this should prevent any knife welding auto-cleaners?”
“You don’t sound very reassuring.”
“Well… You have to understand that some of what humans find attractive about their ‘pets’ is actually what makes them dangerous. Not all of what they consider ‘safe’ is what we would consider ‘safe’.”
“OK… I am getting a little nervous about this.”
“No, no, it’s fine, I’m just saying you should maybe keep an eye on what they order. Ask them to describe the creature before they get it. For example, the first time I had a human on board I let them order a pet without checking what it was.”
Well, when it arrived it was a 25 pound fanged and clawed feline creature called a Savannah Cat. My entire crew was terrified of it, it was agile and could easily have seriously injured someone, but the human had no fear of it. They insisted on carrying it around like a child, and they would squeeze it’s ‘beans’ as they said, forcing the creatures claws out, and then they would show people it’s deadly claws while saying, and I quote, ‘look at its adorable claws, this is what it uses to kills things, isn’t it cute?’“
“I have also heard stories from other crews that their humans ordered canines that weigh as much or more then they do, and they sleep next to the giant creature.”
“You are not making me feel better with these stories…”
More “wtf are humans, please leave the rest of us be” stuff:
Human reactions to fear!
No, I’m not talking about screaming or freezing in one spot and pissing yourself. I’m talking about the weirder, more specific-to-only-humans fear reactions.
Idk how many of you have watched people play horror video games, but a surprising amount of people start narrating what’s going on in a sing-song voice.
Imagine being an alien, walking in a horrific, dark tunnel with these weird gangly creatures, you’re all scared out of your wits and then one of them starts f**king singing.
In a dark cave. While everyone’s terrified.
“ ♫ ~We are all gonna f**king die, this is terrible and I wanna go hooooome~ ♬ ”
I’ve been reading a lot of these “humans are space orcs” posts and that got me thinking…
Imagine that you’re the only human in youre crew. Youre crew is getting attacked by pirates and they start shooting darts with a deadly substance in it. None of youre crewmembers is getting hit, but one dart hits you. The whole crew is freaking out and screaming “Oh no, our human is dying!”
But you don’t feel like you’re about to die. You feel energetic and hyperactive. You manage to blurt out “ohmygodifeelawesomewhatwasinthosedarts?!?” And one crewmember just stares at you like you lost youre mind and says “that… that was caffeine”
And then you spend the next hour running in cyrcles and screaming “WEEEEEEEEE” while your crewmembers slowly start to whish that these darts had killed you.
My fav trope is like, nonhuman characters not understanding human needs/customs but still being super supportive of their human companion
“look what I found while exploring this planet’s surface!” “kilrak please I’m trying to sleep” “ah yes your human circadian rhythm. *stage whispering* I am supposed to be quiet during this time in your rhythm, yes?”
“the book I purchased on ragnok V says humans require physical touch when upset. therefore, I shall engage in a ‘hug’ with you.” *supremely awkward five-armed hug ensues*
*human sneezes* “OH MY GOD SIL'EEN GET THE MEDIC OUR HUMAN IS DYING”
“this pamphlet I received recently says that humans require companions and packmates in the form of small earth creatures. you should have told me this before we departed earth, but it is no worry. we will have to stop at the next trade planet to get you one of these ‘cats’ or ‘dogs’.”
imagine the aliens really purchasing a kitten for one of their rough and world-weary scifi badass human companions and watching in helpless wonderment what ensues
“she’s been cuddling that small animal for the past fifteen minutes just going ‘kitty, kitty’. did we - did we break our human?”
a more seasoned alien puts one of their tentacles around the younger one as the rest of the team gathers to watch their human make kissy noises.
“no, kilrak,” the alien says. “we did good.”
“Human-Steve! I have heard that today is the anniversary of your hatching! According to my human culture pamphlet, it is customary to set a sugary pastry on fire while chanting your species’ growth incantation and presenting sacrifices wrapped in shiny paper. I am afraid to ask, in case this ritual is sacred and this request therefor insensitive… but may I be allowed to participate? It sounds much more fascinating than molting.”
“Human Steve, I have read about your ritual dance called ‘The Hokey Pokey,’ performed mostly at mate-bonding celebrations after the guests reach an elevated level of intoxication. But Human Steve, how do I know WHICH left foot to put in, put out, and shake all about? I do not… Human Steve, why are you laughing?”
“Human-Steve, you are… you are eating, but it is not one of your ritual fueling times. Are you dying? Is everything alright? Have you not been receiving enough sustenance? Do I need to get you better things to eat? Human-Steve, why are you trying to hide that food?”
“Human-Steve, my research has informed me of a grave oversight in your care that I, as your companion, have made! Thus, I have gathered collections of fictional human literature to read aloud at the time of your bed. Which is more to your liking: “The Care and Keeping of Cacti” or “1001 Crossword Puzzles?” Human-Steve? Human-Steve, I am serious.“
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
Another humans are weird/space orcs idea that came to me while trying to drink water upside down:
Humans are apex predators. We’re unbreakable and relentless and legion and lethal. Nothing gets to us- except us.
It’s the stupidest little things that can stop up a human.
Many aliens have theorized about this. Perhaps with no natural enemies, the species tried to threaten them with themselves in a desperate search for some kind of challenge. Maybe it’s cosmic karma for being nigh unstoppable. Maybe they had transcended so much that the nuances of life were tiny and incomprehensible to them. Maybe it’s natural selection trying to thin the herd.
Whichever the cause, it’s a strange combination of disturbing and amusing to see a human be defeated by itself. It’s a little alarming to see the most resilient and powerful species in the universe be completely shut down with things that pale in comparison to their normal challenges.
Seeing a human function almost completely fully with several broken bones… but absolutely crippled and reduced to using one arm when faced with a large hangnail.
My dad broke his leg in a snowmobile accident in such a way that the bone was sticking out of his leg. He crawled a half mile in the snow to the nearest house to ask for help. But when he stubs his toe on the coffee table every few weeks, it’ll bring him to his knees.
I recently got a double conch piercing done- two massive needles shoved through the thickest cartilage in my ear, one right after the other. I’ve got 5 other piercings. None, not even the conch, hurt as much as getting a single hair yanked out of my head.
I see people eat some of the world’s hottest foods all laced with capsaicin which can kill things, and drink alcohol that’s literally poisonous, and break pen cases with their teeth. But a too cold slush drink? Unable to talk or move, head between the knees, for about two minutes, because brain freeze. Or, better yet, sometimes we literally choke on spit. Nearly asphyxiate. Because we regularly ‘swallow down the wrong hole’.
Alien: Why did you say, last month, that your broken ribs and arm and massive blood loss was ‘fine’, but when you got a paper cut today, you cried for ten minutes and now still refuse to unwrap your wound? It is tiny in comparison to some things that you’ve faced without hesitation.
Human: Honestly it’s really stupid and I don’t really know, but I will swear up and down and until the day I die, a broken bone hurts way less than a paper cut.
Alien: But… no. It’s not worse. It… that doesn’t make sense.
Human: I know, right? But it’s true.
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Okay, so going off the whole space Australia thing, imagine aliens would think of ACTUAL AUSTRALIA. Humans are batshit insane, we do some crazy shit, but a decent amount of us are shocked by the mere concept of living in Australia. That place is no joke, it’s a death trap of a continent that somehow became a badass country. You don’t f**k with Australia.
Alien: what is a kangaroo?
Human: oh, it’s an animal from Australia. They hop around and the carry their kids in pouches. They may be cute, but don’t get them angry, they can kill you.
The…the human is actually WARNING them of something? The human is AFRAID?
Human: that’s just Australia for you, though. Literally, EVERYTHING on that continent can kill you, so I guess it’s not THAT off. Be careful if you ever go to Australia, though. It’s a very dangerous place.
And this all of the aliens avoid Australia at all costs because if the f**king HUMANS are scared then it must be the most dangerous and frightening place ever.
“Don’t-” the human prisoner protested as the squad leader slowly approached a small group of swimming fowl in a nearby pond.
“Silence,” the leader ordered, slowly creeping towards the group. Suddenly, they pounced on one of the creatures, grabbing it in their hands as it exited the pond.
Then everything went to hell.
In an instant, the bird attacked, along with the ones around it.
The creatures moved fast, almost a blur as they pecked away at the leader, squawking loudly. The rest of the alien crew thought about helping, but were much too frightened.
The birds didn’t stop their pecking attack until the squad leader was bleeding and no longer moving.
The rest of the aliens grabbed the human and ran for their f**king lives.
“What were those?” the human was later asked.