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I recently came out as non-binary, and my family keeps forgetting. Every time I try to politely correct them, they feel like I am being too harsh.
How do I remind them in a way that isn’t deemed “too harsh”?
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#1
Don't say stuff like 'Do I have to stick a piece of paper on myself for you to remember that I am not she/her (or he/him) I am they/them (Or whatever your pronouns are.)' Be more relaxed like if someone said 'it is her (or his) birthday' say something like 'I don't use those pronouns currently, I go by they/them' By the way you don't have to use currently. And if they make the same mistake, politely say 'I go by they/them still, could you remember it?' Don't say it like Could you REMEMBER that? You can also put please if you wanted. Also remember that people usually don't purposely call you the incorrect pronoun. I hope this helped! ☺️
Final score:
4points
RELATED:
#2
I’m gender fluid, I use bracelets! Pink for she/her, blue for he/him, non-binary flag for they/them. Yes, I know gendered colors are dumb, but it works.
Final score:
4points
Grudge-holding Treefrog 3 years ago
I have a nonbinary bracelet, but that doesn’t seem to help much. Thanks for the advice though :)
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism (Submission author) 3 years ago
That’s fair, it works for me because the people around me know to look at which one I’m wearing.
Load More Replies... #3
You aren’t being too harsh. Set boundaries, I’m non-binary too and being misgendered drives me insane. You don’t deserve to go through that, being misgendered is traumatizing. Go be a they/them and cause all the mayhem!
Final score:
4points
SaneMinotaur (she/her) 3 years ago
This! Love it. I'm cis, but it makes me so mad when people make anyone feel rubbish about their gender identity or romantic orientation.
#4
I am an old guy, and I'll tell you there's nothing really to this. Just tell me if I'm wrong. I'll be okay
Final score:
3points
RafCo (he/him) (Submission author) 3 years ago
Oh, I remember what I wanted to write about this now. If you English speakers hear some c**p about using they/them for singular is wrong, just remember these little factoids. 1, language evolves. If it didn't, then summer would still mean spring, and awful would be a compliment. 2, the first known use of they/them in reference to a single person of unspecified gender was in the epic poem William and the Werewolf, when it was first translated to English circa 1350. So they've had 700 years to figure this s**t out. Shakespeare also used they/them as singular quite frequently, and he's supposedly good at English.
crowspectre (he/they) 3 years ago
I'm glad that there are people like you out there, but unfortunately a lot of people disagree
RafCo (he/him) (Submission author) 3 years ago
Then f**k'em. If some snowflake is gonna be offended because you told them your pronouns, then they are pointless people. I am old, and will probably forget your pronouns, and probably your name, and maybe why I even came upstairs. But you can say, "hey, my pronouns are *". I'll try my best to remember. But if I get offended by that, it's my problem, not yours. FYI, I'm writing this because I logged in to write something else, but then forgot what it was.
Load More Replies... #5
Meeting new people and establishing your pronouns: 'Hi, my name is 'Grudge-holding Treefrog', and my pronouns are 'they/them', what are your pronouns? (People like talking about themselves, so by including them in this way, they're more likely to remember your pronouns.) How to correct someone when they get your pronouns wrong: "Hey, I noticed you got a bit muddled with my pronouns; they're actually 'they & them.' Please do correct me if I get yours wrong, by the way!" How to deal with someone repeatedly getting your pronouns wrong: "I've noticed that you refer to me as *incorrect pronoun* a lot, and I just wanted to respectfully ask you to refer to me as 'they/ them' in conversation, please. Thank you for understanding." How to deal with someone being disrespectful/ rude in regards to your gender identity: "You may not understand how I express myself and how I feel inside, but please remember that I am human as well, and worthy of respect and dignity. I am a real person with thoughts and feelings. If you don't wish to refer to me by my chosen pronouns, then please do not refer to me at all." Lastly, always keep your composure as much as possible, and be soft spoken when you correct people.
Final score:
2points
Beatriz Medeiros 3 years ago
Great answer. I agree that being respectful is essential even with someone rude. Being soft spoken It's a thumb rule most people don't get well with being corrected so any attitude that seems harsh can make things even worse
SaneMinotaur (she/her) (Submission author) 3 years ago
Definitely; keeping your cool is also helpful if the police or whatnot get involved in a dispute for whatever reason. The person screaming and hollering is the one who gets removed from the situation.
Load More Replies... SaneMinotaur (she/her) (Submission author) 3 years ago
No sweat, hope it helps in some way!
Load More Replies... #6
I don't have an answer but if anyone is willing to help me I have a similar question, but not the same- I use he/they and whenever I say that I use those pronouns in response to someone misgendering me they go off about how rude it is and that I'm acting like they forgot what pronouns that I use when they just messed up and I should correct them less aggressively. To be clear, the exact phrasing I always use is 'I use he/they pronouns' or 'hey I use he/they remember' and I try to keep it really gentle. I've sort of stopped correcting people for fear that they'll get angry and it's not helping to mental health. If anyone could help that'd be great
Final score:
2points
RafCo (he/him) 3 years ago
I have a question about this, and I am sorry if I offend someone. I don't know what he/they actually means. Does it mean you're comfortable with both male and non-binary pronouns? Or does it mean something else?
crowspectre (he/they) (Submission author) 3 years ago
Yup! I use both he/him and they/them.
Load More Replies...
LB 3 years ago
Sounds like the people around you might be easily offended and that shouldn't be your responsibility but, being autistic, I feel I know a thing or two about social scripts and perhaps you could try using more words. Like, some post above mentioned 'I noticed that...', which comes across as less agressive than just saying 'I use he/they'. Nonviolent communication could be useful for you, have you read about that? Sometimes it also helps to correct only after, like an hour or day later. Or only after three mistakes, things like that.
crowspectre (he/they) (Submission author) 3 years ago
Ty! I started out trying to be really gentle and only mention it after the fact but my parents (the main people I'm talking about here) would get pissed and demand that I correct them when they make the mistake in front of everyone. I feel really weird and kind of bad doing it, but I'm just trying to figure out what doesn't make them angry
Load More Replies... SaneMinotaur (she/her) 3 years ago
I definitely second what LB is saying here, but if you wanted to go down a different route, you could just flat-out not respond if people mis-gender you. Not even in a b****y way; think of it as non-violent resistance. I've seen trans people use this tactic, and I'm not saying it always works in the way you'd like, but it sends a clear message. And if someone gets moody about it, you can say "I've tried verbally affirming my pronouns in the past, but it seems to get lost in translation, and I don't have the energy to repeatedly try to correct people any more." Then you aren't making it specific to anyone.
crowspectre (he/they) (Submission author) 3 years ago
I usually do that when it's people deadnaming me, even if they're basically screaming my deadname in my ear. Usually they'll end up trying to get my attention without my deadname and then I'll talk to them and at the end remind them that my name is nor in fact my deadname
Load More Replies... #7
Don't be like "um it's HE" like a snobby ✨b i t c h✨ am not you are I'm just saying be more like oh I actually use *your pronouns*. I have someone at school who is like this and everyone hates him and he faked tourettes for attention 😐
Final score:
1point
#8
When someone uses the wrong pronouns then tell them something like " Could you use they/them pronouns for me please?" and then move on. I am kind of curious about what they think is too harsh though. It might not be as bad as they think.
Final score:
1point
crowspectre (he/they) 3 years ago
I think that adding the please makes it more of their choice, which it isn't. It's like saying 'hey I want you to use they/them but you totally don't have to' which is very untrue
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 3 years ago (edited)
How about, ‘by the way, I use he/they pronouns,’ it’s not rude but also not a request. Also is Treefrog a rainwing?
Load More Replies...
What do you think ?
Grudge-holding Treefrog (Post author) 3 years ago
Just for clarification since it is apparently needed, I am waiting for a pause in the conversation and then saying something like, “ Hey, I’m they now.” quietly. I really just don’t want to offend people.
RafCo (he/him) 3 years ago
Sounds fine by me. But for us older folks, we may not immediately understand what you're talking about. So you may hear a "huh?" Which would require a response like "my pronouns I mean". Just not something we olden type people think about in the same way, so we may not immediately get what you're saying.
Load More Replies...
Øptimist 2 years ago
THIS IS SO RANDOM BUT I WANTED TO TELL YOU! You spelt LGBTQ wrong in your bio I believe-
Grudge-holding Treefrog (Post author) 3 years ago
Just for clarification since it is apparently needed, I am waiting for a pause in the conversation and then saying something like, “ Hey, I’m they now.” quietly. I really just don’t want to offend people.
RafCo (he/him) 3 years ago
Sounds fine by me. But for us older folks, we may not immediately understand what you're talking about. So you may hear a "huh?" Which would require a response like "my pronouns I mean". Just not something we olden type people think about in the same way, so we may not immediately get what you're saying.
Load More Replies... Øptimist 2 years ago
THIS IS SO RANDOM BUT I WANTED TO TELL YOU! You spelt LGBTQ wrong in your bio I believe-
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