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Hey Pandas, How Do I Come Out To My Grandparents?
-logansucrose- (he/him) Community member
My grandparents are some of my favorite people in the whole world, I want to come out to them so I'm not hiding things from them. I'm not sure if they're homophobic, once they told me "you know [guy]? He got married! TO ANOTHER GUY! Isn't that weird?" and im not sure if they meant it's weird because they didn't know he was gay or if it was because two boys got married. She didn't really say anything negative about them though. I also want to come out as genderqueer, and theres a big chance they won't believe that, as I am a very feminine looking person. How do I come out..?
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I would tell them in a note because that way they can't interpret you with questions. I think it's better to just tell them sooner than later because it's never good to keep secrets from someone you love. I know that it is bad to keep important Information to yourself because I have kept my depression from my parents and friends for almost three years.
That's a good idea. Sorry you kept your depression a secret, that doesn't sound fun.
ask them if they support you if u were (this sexuality) and then if they support you tell them I hope the grandma does most grandmas are nice!
i have been asking subtle questions and stuff like that i've been asking things like "would you watch this movie? it's about a gay boy" and she didnt answer she just said "being gay must be hard" which seems sympathetic but shes also told me about how two guys she knows got married and how weird it seems so idk
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Title
Hey
Logan
He/him
15
Transmasc demi-omnisexual
Taken
Sagittarius (December 13)
Hufflepuff
im literally inactive everywhere im sorry
My name is Aelita and I have been an Editor for Bored Panda since 2019. I spend my days working with my amazing team and making articles the best they can be.
Fantasy and magic have always ruled over my world, from movies to TV shows, to Video Games to tabletop games like Dungeos and Dragons, I try to find magic in every part of my life. Writing is a big part of me too, I hope to publish a fantasy novel one day. I also enjoy playing guitar and singing, as music always help me to get in a great mood.
I have an adorable German Shepherd named Hela and we get into all kinds of adventures together.
im feeling awesome, a bit tired as i didnt sleep all night bc i was gay panicking bc the person ive been hopelessly in love with for 6 months kissed me yesterday and i was extREMELY surprised and idk whether it was with romantic intention or if she was trying to make someone jealous but it made me very happy either way and i have so much energy despite not sleeping while being very tired at the same time its a very weird feeling lmao
lol also people just keep HANDING me articles of clothing, none of what im wearing is mine except my pants and also i have the hat on that i was wearing the other day (which is not mine) (ALSO I LOOK LIKE AN EMO LMFAO I DIDNT REALIZE UNTIL I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR) Screenshot...05-png.jpg 
(also I just realised I like Heavy by Haux like 2x more now that I know my favourite part of the song has these lyrics "take a sigh, take a breath in, keep em close, keep em guessing, people lie, learn a lesson, count your friends, and your blessings" idk why but I really really like those lyrics)
A song with a COMPLETE change of tone that you might not like because its extremely inappropriate to the point where it used to make ME feel uncomfortable (it doesnt anymore and is one of my favorite songs now but eh) but ive been listening to it on repeat and its stuck in my head so imma tell you what it is anyways, its HOT DEMON B!TCHES NEAR U ! ! ! by Corpse
there are just some songs that cause me to zone out when they come on and thats one of them. no clue why, it just happens.
anyways more songs that i found over spring break that i think you'll like: Team by Lorde, Build-A-Bear by Maggie Brewer, Dead Girls by Penelope Scott
ok but seriously have you heard Together Forever by Rick Astley? its a f ucking masterpiece
very nice lol and thats not a surprise, pretty much anything looks really good on you
lol thats sweet of you, and i dont mind if you dont have much to say, i just have a whole lot to say
off topic but imagine showing your legs in what you wear to school smh couldnt be me Screenshot...c6f0ec.png 
I AM ABSOLUTELY FREEZING, IT SNOWED THIS MORNING. WHY DID I WEAR THIS /TODAY/ IM AN IDIOT BUT I MEAN AT LEAST IM HOT
luckyyyy, i dont like the snow. (and before you get mad at me about that lol, everyone gets mad at me for not liking the snow, but its because i cant breathe when its that cold outside cuz of my lung stuff, it hurts like hell) it snowed so much back in january we had to stay home from school for like a week or two. it sucked.
yeah the summers really humid which makes it hard to breathe too, which is why i mostly stay inside except in spring and fall
this morning i made a joke by saying "imagine feeling joy" (obviously i do experience joy) and my friend i was walking with goes "okay i know youre obviously an emo but you dont have to take it that far" it was the funniest s**t istg
ok so i cried during lunch and then my friend made a joke when i was complaining about how they didnt hug me and they went "what are you gonna do, cry about it?" and then immediately was like "oh my god that was not the right time for that joke" but it was the funniest thing ive heard in a while other than when i was on the phone with a friend and i was playing video games at the same time and i go "oh i accidentally broke it" and he said "what'd you break?" and i went "your mom" and he went "my moms disabled"
you mean how did I realise or how do I have OCD? uh I realised because I've been looking through a bunch of conditions/neurotypes tryna find what it is that makes sense because there was part of me that I didn't understand and at first I dismissed it because like, I don't have rituals, I'm not obsessed with being clean or checking things over and over but then I realised like, I overthink ALL THE TIME and I could never put a label to it before, I couldn't describe that it wasn't normal overthinking so I just called it buildup of anxiety and 'like my thoughts were moving very fast' lol, and then I realised I actually do do some kinda dumb pointless things like I can't eat food that's past the date even if it's still fine, and I'm really picky about whether cutlery I use is clean (I have to wash it every time beforehand even if it's already been washed) and there were a bunch of other things I used to do when I was younger that I never understood so I just sorta kept quiet about.
oh i didnt know that was also OCD (tbh i dont know a lot about ocd so that might just be it) on the subject of dumb pointless things, i have things like that. like for example, i always have to blow into a cup before i use it, i dont know why.
i said "lmao wdym" but then i felt dumb so i deleted it and told myself id just live as an idiot that never knows what people mean lmfao
lol maybe you have OCD then. ok I said I couldn't be bothered, but I'll list a few more things. when I was younger, whenever I heard airplanes at night (only at night) I had to close my eyes and hide/pretend I was asleep. idk why. airplanes are cool, I wasn't even scared, I just had to do that. I hate the number 23 (for appropriate reasons) but because I do, I notice it all the time and whenever I notice it I have to distract myself or wait until it disappears. there was a period of time when I was younger when I was terrified of mosquitoes and whenever I heard them I'd bolt downstairs and get my mum to go find it. I had to keep windows closed and stuff and frequently flinched whenever I heard something that might be a mosquito. I wasn't scared of getting bitten, I was just literally scared of the bugs themselves, which I think is really weird because I generally like all insects. after like a year I completely forgot about that fear and have never been scared since.
I get really scared of sweating because once I start it's really hard to stop. I don't think I sweat an unusual amount(?) but I find it a lot hard to regulate my temperature and I hate summer so, idk. but like, whenever I'm sweating, all I can think about is the fact that I'm sweating. so I have to wear loose clothing whenever it's remotely warm weather. it's annoying
and then I realised I actually spend like 80% of my time just rereading messages I've sent people or messages people have sent me. and I was like shoot, am I not supposed to do that? nobody else does that right? so yeah I think I probably have OCD, or something along those lines :P I'm not too sure what to do about that because the mental health services in my country suck and it's kinda a big problem if I never noticed it before but at least I'm aware I guess
and welp im sorry that the mental health services suck there, i mean yeah being aware is better than being not aware?
but i do that. i reread every text conversation ive ever sent people. i scroll all the way up to the top and spend hours at a time every day re-reading everything we've ever sent to the point where ive memorized conversations from years ago that the other person doesnt even remember having.
loll OCD. I'm telling you. I spend so much time rereading things and thinking about random memories from years ago. I have a bunch of really random screenshots on my phone that I look over every now and then because they make me happy. I bookmark so much stuff. I also take ages to send a message because I spend a long time rereading it to check I've said the right thing. I'm bad at making jokes because I think about them so much that they become unfunny and then I can't stand to say it. I predict conversations in my head all the time. I guess random stuff about people too, like their personality types or personal choices. 70% of the time I'm right
i have a folder of random screenshots from conversations that dont stand out or are particularly interesting on my phone but i love them and i read them at least twice a day bc they make me happy. and i put paper in random places in the books i read so i can go back and read that scene again because i love it, even if its not that interesting. and what are some of the things youve guessed about people that turned out right?
ok so I was talking to a friend and I was convinced he was a synesthete (not for any particular reason, I just had a feeling). he told me he wasn't twice, before finding out he was lol Screenshot...bbfa04.jpg 
names most definitely do have personalities. speaking of which, i have had at least 4 people tell me that Logans have big egos and i have absolutely NO idea what theyre talking about /lh /j
I can guess book characters' appearances correctly before I even see other people's fanart or anything, and draw them, and I can guess people's appearances and names from their voice alone Screenshot...b2ac54.jpg 
OH I FORGOT TO SHOW YOU I DREW DINOSAURS THE OTHER DAY AND THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY FOR LITERALLY NO REASON Screenshot...c7-png.jpg 
nonono triceratops are cool but velociraptors at least are above those on the epicness scale
also today kayde got very close to my face and goes "you have tiny hairs on your nose. theyre very handsome. i like your nose hairs." then walks away. i was so confused lmfao
(i told you i re read things until i remember conversations that other people usually dont remember) yesyes
this is extremely off topic but every time i refer to you i want to call you squiggle wiggle
dude whyyyy. people think its fun to flirt with me bc i get flustered so easily and my face goes like bright red and the individual who ive had a crush on for like 6 months now got chocolate flavored chapstick and she was showing me and goes "do you want a taste after school?" and winked at me and i completely broke
bruh im just hot (plus i got new earringsss) Screenshot...ee-png.jpg 
also ive been vibing to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiqoW6_GU9M i love it so much and idek why
oh I was gonna show you lol I found my phone the other day after it's been lost for 3 frickin years (well I say lost, I knew where it was the whole time but we don't talk about that I'm weird ok) and it had a bunch of really cringey old photos of me from like 2018/19 on them and I found the comparison fascinating so imma show you
me trying to look casual then vs me trying to look casual now (also yes I'm still in love with my jacket, I'm afraid I no longer have capacity to crush on you anymore because this jacket fills all the holes in my life /j) 20220507_0...6a18fe.jpg 
11 year old blank stare vs 15 year old blank stare (also man I miss that old blue fleece I used to wear it was super comfy) (but I have a jacket now so it's all good 8) ) 20220506_2...e2fbf6.jpg 
all in all I think I've gotten more both more and less androgynous, a LOT more self conscious, less stupid, less ugly, and better at lighting and camera angles (not that that's something I particularly wanted to learn out of pure self hatred but cool ig). I think I look a lot more.. old.. than I feel. I don't have a heckin clue what I'm doing xD I kinda relate better to young me. but yeah
anyways it sounds like your self-image has gotten better which is good lol. and you dont look old, you actually look pretty young which, im not sure if you want to look young or old, but you at least look younger than me so.
ikr I look young. it's weird. but because I'm used to looking young I look old for me. like, I feel like I'm supposed to still be about 9 years old but somehow I'm a teenager. with like, a face and a body and stuff. and I can like, walk around in it. and people can see it. it's weird. (still learning facial expressions lol, I don't know what to do with myself I must be so awkward irl, good thing you know me online)
also kinda off topic but its weird to me to think about the fact that other people have lives too because as we both know i can get pretty self-centered/arrogant and im working on that but its still a problem so i tend to think of other people as side characters in my life and don't really think of them as having lives. its like my life is a really badly written book in which the author doesn't give any info about anyone except the protagonist and the love interest so you just never think about them lmao, you know? like my brother tells me what happens at school and how his crush is becoming his friend but likes his best friend and not him and im like "wow im not the only person in the world other people have lives and problems and s hit and they also have friend drama and get bullied and have passions and struggle with math and stuff" and its just weird to me when i realize that yknow? idk its weird
also today kayde described my music taste as "badass emo music" and im like no im pretty sure its just people screaming into a microphone but alright
also i look like im high or something today, i swear im not im just really really tired lmao Screenshot...df-png.jpg 
im not wearing a mask today to school and i already regret it lol but im this far i might as well go all the way
its so weirddddd like dude i have a FACE (i wear my mask EVERYWHERE, like even at home. the only times i take it off are to shower and sleep thats it like- f a c e
yeah so I was on holiday by the sea (yay) but I only got like 3 days of it because the first day I couldn't stayed home because of anxiety and the last 2 or 3 days I was sick with covid :P which was pretty bad because I'm unvaccinated and high risk. but I didn't need to go to hospital or anything and I'm almost better now so it's ok
well i mean you can do that when its june ill see it in september then lol
bruh look at my scratch profile for my alt acc cassy is trying to get back together with me and i panicked bc i had to go but i didnt just wanna leave her when she told me she missed how we used to be so i just said "me too" like thats the most idiotic thing i couldve said wtf why and now im stuck with her thinking i still like her and wanna get back together and im just playing along bc i dont wanna hurt her feelings again
ive been getting much more confident lately (yay) so imma send you pics of me bc why the heckity heck not
i just thought this picture was funny (and i wonder if you can tell what my favorite color is by my LED lights in all these pics lmao) Screenshot...6db5a9.png 
i dunno why i tolerate this picture but i do Screenshot...c41053.png 
its me being * r e b e l l i o u s * and partaking in the hand gestures my mother would not approve of Screenshot...ff0a19.png 
look its me last night when i was supposed to be asleep and i felt attractive Screenshot...5e-png.jpg 
okok so a lot of stuff happened but not that much but still a lot: I realised my anxiety is frickin AWFUL because I can't even go out and meet people, but I went out and met people anyway (I'm trying to join a new scout group cuz I'm too old for my old one but it's scaryyy) and it was terrifying and an annoying kid from my school was there but it was ok but idk it was scary and extremely weirdly nostalgic cuz everything looked exactly the same as my old scout group just, different
AND I'm getting a puppy. my parents agreed they could get me another dog cuz my dog Noodle only loves my mum and ignores me (I was gonna try get an autism service dog but they're way too expensive and I would probably have to wait a few years before I could take it home if I was even able to get one, so we decided against that) we decided we're gonna get a puppy and then train it to do service dog stuff, so even if it's not a proper service dog it can still help me in some ways. so that'll be fun. and then I really wanted a border collie for various reasons but my mum found a puppy available that was springer spaniel x poodle, which she thought could be suitable, and then even though I was reluctant (cuz I wanted a border collie) I went and saw it anyway and then I accidentally fell in love with it so we're gonna get it. I decided I can just pretend it's a border collie, it's not too different from one lol.
but then I freaked out and had a meltdown because it might not be the right dog for me because I really want a border collie and what if I just get so obsessed with trying to make it be a border collie that I can't love it for who it really is, but my mum said if it works out really bad and the only thing right for me is a border collie then she'd be willing to get me one of them too. which is sweet but I'm still kinda freaking out cuz the idea of 3 dogs in one home sounds chaotic and expensive when I could have just made the right decision and chosen a border collie instead. but anyway we're gonna take her home in 2 weeks. I am extremely impatient
look its me and my bf when we went to a fair yesterday :) 20220918_1...cb1a97.jpg 
the one i went to the fair with is named zayden, yellow hair is zenith Screenshot...2b3bda.png 
yea its called a quad (aka we're all dating each other) Screenshot...1a-png.jpg 
basically the main thing im upset about is my ex, she reached out to me when i was perfectly content not talking to her at all for the rest of my life and she asked if we could try being friends again and i said yeah. that lasted exactly 5 days lol, she texted me in the morning obviously looking to use me to vent like she always does, she goes "Last night was not fun" with no context or anything thats just the only thing she said and i was REALLY not in the mood for her to vent to me atm so i just said "wasn't fun for me either" and she goes "oh why? did you relapse?" (i did not) and before even waiting for me to reply she goes "its not even considered relapsing at this point you cut so much" and i got REALLYYYYY upset at that comment bc at that point i had been clean for a week and i was rly proud of myself and i went "bro what the f**k ive been clean for a week" and she said "oh. i didn't know. i just assumed you were doing it the whole time we never talked" and i went "yea, you -
- didn't know, so dont make shitty comments like that because that makes me really upset when you say things like that" and she goes "k. im just gonna go bc im just pissing you off like always. thats all i ever do i guess" and i said "good idea. bye" and she went OFF dude she was so mad she called me a cu nt, a whore, a bit ch and told me she hopes i kill myself for good n sh it and i started crying in class and i was so upset dude, idk why stuff like that doesnt usually affect me but it rly did this time and idk why
and then kaydes being a bi tch too, i wore a dress to school bc i WANTED TO and the first thing she says was "stop dressing like a sl ut. you look weird. you should go change. try to care about what other people will think of you before you dress like that." and i cried then too
and my bf is sad and he doesnt want me to hug him or anything or talk to him and im rly rly worried and idk what to do bc his tiktok stories are all about how he wants to kill himself and im really worried
and im back to being on autopilot, ik we talked about this a year or two or whatever ago, i dont feel like im in control and i just do things and im such an idiot i keep doing stupid things bc my brain is like "its ok youll be okay none of this is actually happening there will be no consequences" so im being mean to people and ruining friendships and falling behind on my schoolwork i already have 2 failing grades and we've only been in school for a month, i have 4 assignments that were due last week that i havent started and 2 that are due today that i didnt do. and ive been getting pissy with my mom and i keep cutting myself and i drank alcohol and i just take too many pills "just for the hell of it, if it doesnt kill me cool if it does cool" and i just dont realize what im doing and it doesnt feel like its that big of a deal because none of its real anyways right? there will be no consequences ill just wake up and be back in my sh itty life and not have to deal with any of it -
- and people are like "dude ur f ucking up your life" and i just dont understand like how? cuz none of it seems that serious to me, but ik that people are upset with me for doing all that and idk whats happening and im spiraling again so im gonna stop now
i love you too. like a lot, ur one of my best friends ive ever had <3
ok so um. a lot happened since then and now. I have the puppy. she's adorable. her name is Kestrel. BUT. heh. eheheh. I also have a border collie puppy. so um. I have 2 puppies. the border collie puppy is a blue merle with blue eyes and she's beautiful. and her name is Mika. and I love them both so much. and it's complete chaos. *grins madly*
im so happy for you, did you name her kestrel off of that one dragon from wings of fire or nah? also guess whatttt today i broke up with kayde. again.
ye (ill send a screenshot) lol i think kestrel was in the first book but thats all good. and no im okay i cried for a few days but im good now. (its all good, im glad ur feeling better :) ) Screenshot...63-png.jpg 
also here's a whole bunch of music I've been listening to recently: Second 2 None by Mura Masa, La vita nouva by Christine and the Queens, Gone by Charli XCX, Body by Christine and the Queens (I'm a little obsessed with Christine and the Queens), Comme si on s'aimait by Christine and the Queens, King by Years & Years, Tell Me That You're Okay by Noahfinnce, Dayvan Cowboy by Boards of Canada, DC Rot by Yune Pinku, Apple Juice by Hanlyn, Vacation by Dirty Heads, Stabilise by Nilufer Yanya, Time-Lapse by Gates of Heaven, From Finner by Of Monsters and Men, Loser by Suenco, Riptide by The Chainsmokers, I'm already Dead by Dreamers, Listen Out Loud by Dreamers, Still Not Dead by Dreamers, Sweet Disaster by Dreamers, Na Na Na by Pentatonix, Medicine by Daughter
also here's art I've done. and origami. I made an origami seagull and origami dragons on holiday :D the seal is referenced from a picture I took irl (I visited an aquarium). I also saw dolphins in the wild on a boat trip and I have photos but I can't be bothered to send them all so ehh. and photos of stuff in the aquarium but I took like a billion so I can't be bothered. it was cool. origamisea...1236df.jpg 
origami is so fun dude and youre so good at it, i only ever make frogs and dragons and occasionally penguins and hearts
speaking of school, are you proud of me im getting better at math and i actually am getting my grades up. today we went over a maths assignment from yesterday and i got 25/26 and i was like WHOA because i NEVER get that high of a score on math things, and i finally finished my presentation for english which ive been procrastinating on and we dont talk about science that doesnt count i have like 10 missing assignments in that class, but for spanish i finished the year with a B+ and im very happy with that bc i absolutely f*****g SUCK at spanish
i do not. i much prefer german. my favorite phrase is "ich will deine mutter ficken" ive told you about it before idk if you remember tho lol
welp im incorrect she put the assignments i didnt do in the gradebook its fine a B- as a final grade is still okay (the C+ is my 3rd quarter grade and the B is my 4th quarter grade so the B- is my final grade for this semester) Screenshot...95-png.jpg 
sorry if you dont care at all abt my grades but im showing you anyways, look how SKILLED i am at science lmfao Screenshot...33662f.png 
hey just letting you know this is my last week of school so if i disappear for like 3 months after this week its bc its summer and i have no way to get on, we've done this before. just letting you know
dude i feel so bad for my friend, i was on the phone with them last night and i was having the most intense mood swings, from crying and having a whole-a*s mental breakdown bc what if reality is a lie and nothing we do matters to having the mindset of "wow i am literally a god look at me go"
yes i am. i have my self esteem moments and i just start talking about how hot i am or how amazing i am and about how im the best and how im hilarious and i take like a million selfies and send them to my friends and its annoying to other people lol. and yeah exactly.
lol im a lot more awkward irl than online too, thats just a given for basically everyone. facial expressions are weird, you dont need to know how to use them right and yeah people being able to see you is really weird to me too. like, im in this body and its mine but why am i not in a different body? why am i not in that persons over there? what would be different if i had the same personality but a different body? yknow?
my friend says that i should tell you that you smell nice bc i was asking what other compliments i could say but i have no clue what you smell like so im sure you smell nice even though ive never smelled you before lmfao
mayonnaise is disgusting. and well okay then i bet i do taste nice, ive been told that before B) /hj
well i mean thats my bf so (he's not as charming as he looks. i wanna break up w him but idk how)
On The Edge by Noah Ransom, Ramblings Of A Lunatic by Bears In Trees, The Edge by Grant, Molecules by Atlas Genius, Real World by Tai Verdes, Sour Candy by Melt, Four Letter Words by K.Flay, Mess Is Mine by Vance Joy, Perfect by Madeleine Paige, Upside by Mothica, Oh The Humanity by Gabriel Lewis, Recovery by James Arthur, Half Ladies by Christine and the Queens
ikr, and liking triceratops is such an ida thing to do xD. it fits with your color scheme which i think has changed since i first told you what i thought it was, now its a dark blue-dark greenish color scheme. (also fun fact i havent said "xD" in like a million years)
xD that's correct how did you know. xD I know you barely say xD anymore. I'm on a mission to replace every "lol" I make with a genuine reaction, so then I can say lmao and you'll know that I'm actually laughing my a-- off, not just smiling. your colour scheme used to be the colours of your toothless-playing-guitar pfp but then it changed to purple and light blue, and since then it's been an orange-pink gradient type thing. I like to think of myself as dark-turquoise-ish like my profile colour scheme, but my name itself "Ida" and my appearance seems orange pink ish (but different from yours). I don't actually have a particular favourite colour, I just base it off my colour scheme, that's why I like turquoise, and I love that you understand what I'm talking about rn
ok i gotta go now cuz school is over but i'll be back tomorrow, and before i go i wanna remind you i love you and appreciate you a lot and care about you a lot and youre like my best friend and favorite person and yeah okay bye bye :)
also dude last night i was on the phone with my friend and i made a SH joke bc im just like that (for context i havent done SH in like 2-3 weeks now are ya proud of me B) ) and he just goes "nO DONT DO THAT AGAIN IF YOU DO IM SKIPPING ALL OF MY CLASSES TO STAY WITH YOU ALL DAY AND MAKE SURE YOURE OKAY" and bro i started crying cuz i genuinely didnt know anyone cared about me THAT much like there arent many people id skip school for so it seems really sweet
I mean I would have checked on you too except I don't know you irl and I didn't know whether it was a big problem or not plus I feel kinda guilty for mentioning it to start with that one time :P I'd skip school for you. school sucks anyway let's just go hang out in the toilets /lh /srs
i would 100% go hang out in the toilets with you that sounds awesome /srs
okay my boyfriends boyfriend just called me boyfriend what do i do im so confused
yours used to be a turqoise-purple kind of thing, then it went to more of a kelly green, and then it was a dark blue and now its a dark blue-dark green ish. i like to think of myself as some sort of blue but orange-pink is great too cuz that reminds me of sunsets and sunsets are swag. your appearance gives me a sort of yellowish-pink and your name gives me orange but like, a more muted orange, not so bright, yknow? and yes i love how we just understand what all of this means even though in reality to someone else it probably makes zero sense
yes yes that's my appearance, and, I usually think of my name as an ugly pink colour but it could be orange. you are a bit blue because you remind me of me and I'm a bit blue, you're also purple because you just are,, my type of people are purple. but you're mostly orange-pink because that's how your sense of humour looks and your sense of humour is like the majority of your personality ngl, it's great lol. and yeah xD it's awesome
yes my sense of humor is literally almost all of my personality because im just absolutely hilarious and very humble and then thats pretty much it B)
i checked your boredpanda profile to make sure i had it right dw /hj
VELOCIRAPTORS are swaggy though and scientists say they can open doors im pretty sure which is great cuz i can open doors half the time too (the other half the time i just walk into them)
aaaaaa we're reading The Lottery by Shirley Jackson and i hate it so much eugh (idk if youve ever read it but its a story about a town who does a lottery thing and whoever wins the lottery gets killed and all i can remember is the video we watched where they acted out the story and the lady who gets killed screams so loud and so much and i literally didnt sleep for like 3 days after i watched it for the first time back in 8th grade i hate this so much)
well I guessed there was a possibility that you'd have OCD too. because you're just that kinda person lol. I've guessed people's names and appearances before even knowing, and I can visualize book characters and stuff accurately. I can tell whether someone is a dog person or a cat person with like 98% guaranteed to be correct. (you're a both person.) I guess what people will reply with if I ask a question, and what their intentions are (and how much they've thought about it) when they say something. I don't always pay attention to my guesses though so I don't always give the smartest reply back and I'm only like "wait I knew that was the case" after it's too late.
with the cutlery thing, it's not like I'm scared of anything either, I don't think about it, it's just completely out of nowhere. I don't like using stuff that other people have touched. and with intrusive thoughts too, it's like I picked up trauma somewhere but I'm not even scared of half the stuff I think about lol, I've never encountered it but for some reason it repeatedly shows up in nightmares and stuff. I have like a billion other examples of things I do that other people prob don't do, but I can't be asked to list em all
not sure if it's a good or bad thing that I know this, probably bad. but at least I'm aware so I guess that's good. idk. but something I think is really funny is my favourite book for like 2 years was a book called Turtles All The Way Down by John Green and it was about a girl with OCD, written by an author with OCD. and I didn't even question it, I just thought I could relate to the main character so much because we had similar personalities or something LOL (it's a really good book btw though you should read it)
lol i'll see if i can find that book somewhere, that is kinda funny
oh also before i forget, my eyeliner today is more downturned (? i think thats the correct word?) instead of curving upwards and i like it Screenshot...61-png.jpg 
oh and im wearing eyeliner today which is not something i do at all like ever so thats cool Screenshot...18-png.jpg 
thats awesome, im glad youre feeling way better, and that sounds fun
thats awesome lol i still cannot draw anything for the life of me lmao
not improvement, it changes to something completely the opposite of what it used to be. im gonna show you some mushrooms and a tiny person i drew though
yea i like drawing people like that because i can say it has some deep meaning but in reality i just cant draw faces lmfao
I'm pretty good today, I haven't done much in terms of living but I've done a bunch of coding (I'm making a project that has polls related to the question "is it ND or is it just me?" (for example, "I dislike wearing socks" and then people vote on whether they can relate), I'm collecting ideas from people in neurodiversity related studios) it's very confusing and I keep messing up but it's been much more successful at working than any other attempt at complex code I've had lol
lol well good job with that, it sounds confusing, and that sounds interesting. lol i personally hate going WITHOUT socks, feet are weird and i would prefer to pretend i dont have them at all
I finished the project and it... it.. it wORKS, howl it WORKS aaack. I can see people's results and it's awesome-- except it has a bug where some of the polls have no votes and others have lots, idk why that is, but I've tried my best to fix it idk if it's fixed yet, poll 8 is refusing to cooperate
(the outside numbers are the number of votes and then the inside is the percentage and it shows it visually as well with the two different shades of turquoise) (you click on the buttons and once you've voted they go transparent so that you can't vote more than once) (there's 10 polls which you cycle through using arrow keys and you can vote on each one and they'll be updated to cloud variables)
hi, sorry for late reply i was getting my second covid vaccine and GUESS WHAT i get to go back to school next monday! that's like 4 dayssss
pff thanks. it does hurt lol. also i was drawing because obviously and do you like my drawing so far? (my phones timelimit ran out so i couldn't even finish the digital lineart but i'll just do it tomorrow) Screenshot...d4ae78.png 
i finished my drawing and i really like it Screenshot...4703d1.png 
(lol ikr, and I LOST can you believe that? nobody beats howl at arm wrestling) THANK YOUU, lol i plan on doing more, thankss
there are like a lot of people i talk to on this website through the occasional comment reply on popular posts and I like to consider us friends, yknow like we have never really said "you are my friend" to each other but like it seems like we are but idk bc my paranoid ass is-well paranoid so im not gonna ask or anything lol, but there are TWO of these people who i talk to who are using q u i t e a lot of hearts (like more than usual) in their replies lately, not sure if flirting or if im just picking up on signs that aren't there lol idk i think its hilarious how when i see a heart from someone who doesn't use hearts very often i immediately think "are they IN LOVE WITH ME?"
oh man im going to school tomorrow for the first time in 1.5 years. i dont want to go.i feel like im already gonna have another panic attack it hasn't been long enough since the last one. and i know for a fact i wont sleep tonight. if i could skip orchestra and if my ex best friend weren't there i would be a lot less nervous. i dont know what im supposed to bring i dont know where the classes are i dont know what time i have to show up to get through the covid screening line on time i dont know which gym we're meeting in for PE or where the band room is bc thats where we go for orchestra now apparently i dont know how lunch works now i dont know anything and i really just wanna stay home and do remote school until next year when nobody knows what they're doing so i wont feel alone in that way. i have literally like 20 hours i cant freaking change my mind now oh man oh man oh man
but if you can't do anything to prepare yourself, just do this bring your normal stuff that you'd take to school if you have sports bring your sports kit, also bring a mask or something in case you'll need it, turn up as early as you can so there's enough time to get through the screening line, follow someone else you think is in your class (or ask your teacher person in registration idk what you call it in America), go to the gym that other people in your class/year are going to and walk fast so you have time to get to another one if it's the wrong gym, just ask literally anyone where the band room is they should be able to tell you, when you're at lunch I'm pretty sure unless it's simple you'll get it explained to you by someone, if not and you're confused just ask someone. and after a while the day will be over and you'll be able to go home and idk do whatever you want tell how awful it was if you like but it will be fine whatever happens k?
it does sound scary when you think of it like this but I think once you have been to school it won't be so bad because you'll know what to expect next time. so that means even if everything goes wrong today at least it'll only be like that once and then after that everything will be easier
no i didn't have anybody bc all my 'friends' are idiots. at school i cried before school started bc i couldnt find the 8th grade classes and then i had a panic attack during lunch and then i was super self conscious during 3rd period and couldn't let go of my phone because i swear i would've died if my girlfriend hadn't been talking to me, and i was so nervous this morning i couldn't eat bc i might've thrown up and i was still that nervous at lunch so i couldnt eat and now i still feel sick so i can't eat and i miss my friend but she won't talk to me and my mom kept texting me in class and getting me in trouble the only good part of the day is i saw my best friend whos moving and i got to give her a big hug that was it
aw I'm really sorry, sorry I couldn't reply earlier, tbh school for me hasn't been going much better, well actually I feel really really bad right now but I'll be ok, you're doing really well though god you're one of the strongest people I've met howl (ik because I know exactly what it feels like) keep going and it WILL get better <33
its okay, its okay. I'm sorry, if you need to talk about it i'll shut up and listen lol. aw, thanks, i wouldnt say im one of the strongest. i used to think i was pretty strong bc i never hurt myself no matter what, i just thought about it, butttt i found a very sharp thing earlier in the drawer while waiting for my therapy appointment and i got bored, and, well you can guess what happened. i gave in and that doesn't feel very strong. and the worst part about it is now that ive done it, im not scared of it and thats scary. it did get better, school today was better than yesterday because i got to talk to one of my friends and i got to do PE, and PE was so fun i forgot how much i missed it
that's good, hopefully school will keep getting a bit better until it's not so bad anymore, and that's not so good, I'd try your best to avoid that because it's a really hard habit to get out of (believe me) if you ever want to again you should try and recognise what's happening and do something else (talk to me or something if you want), but yes howl you are very strong, you know why?, because all these things keep happening to you and that's it. they happen to you and then they're over and you carry on. other people don't have those things happen to them.
yeah. ik it's not, yeah i really hope i won't want to do it again and I'm definitely gonna try not to but i don't think ive ever gotten over any bad habit ive ever had. okay. aw. well, thanks for thinking that.
<3 anyways i have another song for you, Turn It Off from the Book Of Mormon musical. it is so. funny.
also this animatic is the most amazing thing ever: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-tza5YqAD4
my god, im watching sander sides animatics by someone called teardroppeddew and like they all have a super dark twist out of nowhere its kinda scary. i mean don't get me wrong i love it but like are they okay??
aw thats nice, i wouldn't expect people to still be commenting there because i've already been gone for so long. tell her no my mom made me delete roblox bc of the whole chat feature. can you ask her if she would be able to make an inkitt or a boredpanda account bc i miss her and want to talk to her
thaks, yeah i wouldn't expect that after, what, 8 months? that makes me happy. i kinda thought everybody would just forget about me.
do you ever just find yourself alone and its just really quiet and not too bright or dark in the room and its just really peaceful and you're playing really nice music that just makes you nostalgic even though you just found the song two days ago it just gives you nostalgia and its just that mixed with contentedness mixed with like longing for something unknown and the feeling is just so nice and sad at the same time and you just want to cry? because thats me right now. its the best freaking feeling i've had in a long time. i just want to sit here forever and listen to this music and not do anything forever for the rest of my life. i love it so much.
yesss, thats the first time i've been able to like describe it semi-well, its so hard to explain, but i love that feeling
dude my parents are so annoying. my dad yelled at me to stop being angry with my dog but im not angry im just loud because shes like half deaf and she can't HEAR me otherwise, and then my dogs start begging for food so my mom got mad at me because "they're obviously begging because their food must be empty why are you so irresponsible you obviously don't love your dogs why don't we find them new homes with a better owner blah blah blah" when NO THEIR FOOD IS FULL THEIR WATER IS FULL THEY JUST HAVE NO MANNERS ALL DOGS BEG DEAL WITH IT and then i wanted to take a break from my family so i go to my room and turn on my phone to text someone except WHOOPS I HAVE NO FRIENDS BECAUSE ALL MY FRIENDS HATE ME the only person i can message is my GIRLFRIEND but i cant message her because she can't message people over the weekend and i've already messaged her like 5 times in a row to tell her stories im already annoying and if you can tell im getting way too angry over the littlest things it sucks
and now im stressing myself out over a demonstration speech i have to do on tuesday that i've had a month to prepare for and probably should have been thinking about before but i pushed it off until the last second and ik thats my fault but literally no matter how hard i think i can't think of an idea of what to do, like i don't want to show people how to play piano or how to belt when singing because i dont want to stand out and i dont want to show how to make a sandwich or cookie dough because i dont want to be accused of copying or being basic even though like 8 other people did those things and i cant think of anything in between and i thought i finally got something but it needed peanut butter as part of it and PEANUT BUTTER ISN'T ALLOWED IN OUR SCHOOL BECAUSE OF PEANUT ALLERGIES and i am about to snap and break down and start sobbing and my parents are just laughing at me because they're telling me i should've been more prepared which they're right about and they're yelling at-
me because they say im too indecisive which is also true but i can't help that i get too anxious to make any decision ever and no one understands that they say "JUST DO SOMETHING" or "JUST THINK OF AN IDEA" and i want to but i physically can't and they're all yelling at me and getting mad and its stressing me out so much and im probably going to show up on tuesday unprepared for my speech with no sleep and no energy because i couldn't f ucking decide what to do my speech on, and then im going to get an F on it and its going to bring me down to a failing grade because this is the big end of the year thing we're doing and im going to fail this class and i know its not the end of the world but it sure as hell feels like it right now and i know im being way overdramatic but i am actually going to have a panic attack about this all day tomorrow and its going to suck so bad and idk what to do about it
hey it's ok, sorry I couldn't see this earlier it wasn't loading for some reason, uh I've definitely been there before where you have no idea what to do but it's important to you and you have to do something but you really don't know because everything you think of seems bad but to be honest it doesn't matter all that much ok just pick something you think you could demonstrate well it doesn't matter if it stands out or is the exact same as like 10 other people it's just a dumb school thing you'll get graded ok as long as you've actually chosen what you're gonna do so just choose and do something and like work out what you're gonna say or whatever and it'll all go ok <3
also i won't be active like at all after thursday because that's the turn in day for chromebooks at school and i won't have any way to get on bored panda, just letting you know that after thursday im not dead lol im just waiting for my parents to leave me home alone so i can get on
I woke up this morning with a very urgent thought and i can't get back to sleep lol, the thought was why can't we all live in a musical so everybody has an amazing voice and it'd be socially acceptable to burst into song to explain how you're feeling or whats happening. like i think that'd be so much fun lol
lol, dude somebody just put their beanie on me, so now im just wearing a beanie and idk what to do with it lol like i mean it doesn't look bad but kinda awkward bc like i dont wear hats usually and it makes me feel weird to actually wear one? IMG_202106...81c313.jpg 
hey hey todays my last day until i go inactive for 3 months lol kinda sad
im really gonna miss you too, but sometime in september ill be back i promise
lol but it looks amazing even if you didn't take very long on it it looks like you spent a long time on it
dude sorry this is random but i was looking through my screenshots bc thats what i do when im bored and i found the BEST reply my girlfriend has probably ever made funny-6128...c1-png.jpg 
we were doing a display board thing at school for pride month and despite my art teacher being an idiot and I don't like her, she decided to put my picture right in the middle so everyone can see hehe IMG-202107...04b839.jpg 
mobile game you can get it on app store or whatever. basically it's a platformer and you're a cat and in each new world you can do different cool stuff as in like you get powers and I'm not describing this well lol but it's really cool I kinda want to code a similar thing except I'm lazy and it already exists
lol yw, so sorry my moms been home for the last couple days and i haven't been able to get on but hopefully ill be on more today this week as its the last week before school starts for me. also yesterday i got LED lights and i can pretend its christmas now when its not lol by putting up christmas colors 20210829_1...c88703.jpg 
ooh nice, yeah my school starts next week on wednesday (9 days :/ why is summer so short)
okay lol but i always have something to say i just couldn't get on
lol there's a reason i didn't include the floor or my dresser in the picture
sorry this is random but my friend who moved across the country called me and apparently she didn't know why me and my other best friend don't talk anymore and she tried to pressure me into telling her why (which included me wanting to kill myself which i havent ever told her before so i refused to tell her) and then she was telling me "well you still have [another different friend]" and i only see that friend at my church's youth group and i am avoiding going to youth group bc my first friend won't be there and i'll cry and i told her that but then she asked me to go for her because the youth group leaders have told her they miss me and tried to get her to convince me to go and now i feel bad so i said okay i'll go on thursday but i reallyyyy dont want to bc i don't want anyone to see this depressed emotional mess that i am but i promised her and she said that she'd zoom into the activity to make sure im there so i HAVE to go now or she'll get mad at me and idkkkk
and i do kinda wish she knew that i want to kill myself a lot of the time so id have someone who actually checks on me and cares who i know irl but im too afraid she'll be like my other friend and tell her mom who will tell my mom which would be completely unnecessary as im already in therapy (which is also completely unnecessary imo) and i dont want that to happen so im conflicteddd
i talked with my friend for like an hour this morning like 2 minutes after i woke up and MULTIPLE times she was like "you sound like REALLY tired haha do you want to go back to sleep?" and i was like "nO I AM FINE LISTEN I AM AWAKE NOW" it was great
what do you mean you want it to be back to how it used to be?
what truth? you cant just be vague like thattttt you know i wont have any clue what you're talking about
um I'll try my best to explain (I'm really mentally unwell rn so sorry if any of this comes out weird also I'm warning you I am heckin gonna regret this) when you were talking about stuff in your chat studio on scratch, I noticed everyone who commented would put "as a friend" after "ily" and I thought "god what if I just don't do that? I don't have to do that, what if.. what if I actually didn't love you as a friend? I wonder how long I could get away with that" and I lasted quite a while but then I said no homo and then I realized how actually bad it felt. But I didn't want to think about it because of obvious reasons. So I kept it a secret but now I can't help caring about you so frickin much and it feels weird to talk to you and god this is stupid I'm so sorry can we pretend this never happened
ohh. oh man im sorry that it feels weird to talk to me, sorry im going to sound REALLY stupid right now and ask if theres any way you can explain it further im a little confused
whoops confession timeeeee, if i weren't dating atm i would 100% ask you out right now bc ive always had a crush on you i just didn't want to make anything weird
aw thank you, you're even cooler (sorry for the super late reply i went to visit my cousins)
dude i just got new jeans and honestly? they look like so good? like idk how i never look good in jeans??? im really happy about that lol
and also today i went to a freshmen orientation at my high school and the school is SO. FREAKIN. HUGE. like how am i ever going to find literally anything lol ik where the gym is thats pretty much it
lol lucky i wish i went to a small school, today was a NIGHTMARE trying to figure out where my classes were in 5 min passing periods
dude last night i went to the football game that was going on at our school right? i was kinda skeptical about going bc i know nothing about football, but i got there and two of my friends were there and we had the absolute BEST TIME EVER. like all my anxiety was just poof gone for like the 3 hours that i was there. we stayed from 7 pm to 10 pm and we drank soda and did things like the cha cha slide and the YMCA song and we chanted and talked to each other and at the end of the game when everyone was starting to get up and leave, me and my friend were hip dancing at the top of the bleachers it was SO. FUN. i want to do that every night it was the most fun ive had in yearsssss
it was but ofc my good mood was ruined bc i went to the doctor today. and thats never fun. my mom made me cry she says im rude when im NOT, when im actually being nice. she's the rude one. as soon as the doctor left the room, she sighed and sat in silence for like 10 seconds, and then went, "Why are you always like this? You're so RUDE, every time we come here. You need to stop, but it's not like you'll listen, you CAN'T CHANGE." and she basically just insulted me over and over and i was crying and she called me a baby and was talking about how she was so embarrassed to take me anywhere because of how rude i am even when im being nice and this is why i want to f*****g kill myself. and after she finished insulting me she let us sit in silence while i cried for the next like 15 mins and she had the F*****G AUDACITY to ask "are you okay?" like not even genuinely, she asked it sarcastically. she tells me i cant be suicidal but shes. the. f*****g. cause. i literally went through the -
I actually went through a similar thing yesterday, I didn't go to school and my mum yelled at me lots and criticized me all the way home in the car and then I ran away and sat in a field full of cows for a while and then talked to a dog walker and came to their house and awkwardly drank hot chocolate in their living room with them and then I went home and watched YouTube for the rest of the day
oh im sorry. that sounds like it sucks. cows are cool though. was the dog walker nice?
- knives we have in my head debating which one would be best if i were to cut myself. and ive never envisioned anything like that before but i legit thought about it for an hour before settling on one knife and i havent cut anything yet im gonna call my friend see if that calms me down but im scared she is just gonna leave like she always f*****g does
goddammit she wont pick up the phone ive called three f*****g times
isnt this just the BEST F*****G DAY OF MY LIFE my girlfriend broke up with me bc it's "not going anywhere" like no s**t sherlock we're all stuck at home theres a f*****g PANDEMIC going on my GOD
omg I'm so sorry I couldn't be here when you messaged me this, ohh man that sounds horrible oh man I hope you're ok and I'm really proud of you for enduring that, it will get better I swear. like you might not believe it rn but at some point something happy will happen again and it'll be worth it it'll be worth all the pain you feel rn - and if that doesn't happen I promise I will go out of my way to make sure something good does happen to you because you 100% deserve it
now in the midst of my mental breakdown i will ask you out because i am sInGlE aGaIn and its fine if you say no ik i sound absolutely f*****g insane rn i would be scared of me too
also this doesn't mean that I don't like your (ex) gf or anything as well, it probably seems kinda weird but like, she seems awesome (except for the fact she broke up with you like bro how could anybody want to break up with you especially for that darn reason) and basically up until this point I was just glad you were with someone you liked so yeah
alright what I'm gonna say now is, definitely absolutely heck yes. but I'm also gonna say this, this isn't gonna provide you any immediate distraction or happiness from your current situation. so I love you as much as the fricking world but you can't depend solely on me, or anyone else, to say the truth, I want to make sure you're ok first. and no, you do not sound one bit insane, right now you sound the most f*****g human I have ever heard anybody sound and I want to give you a hug so bad, also I'm not sure this is how relationships work they seem to gave an awful lot of rules and stuff but, if you do ever find you wanna get back with your girlfriend or anyone else don't be afraid to tell me because I really don't mind
im ok i promise. and relationships only have as many rules as the people in the relationship make. okay, same goes for you.
i would send you a picture of the full length mirror i just got but my room is disgusting and you can see it in the mirror and i dont have the energy to pick up at this exact moment lol ill send a pic later though i promise
dude this morning a football games on TV so i woke up like 5 mins ago bc my dog started barking and i was like "sHOOT MY DAD INVITED PEOPLE OVER" and so i get dressed as quickly as humanly possible and go downstairs and of course a guy from my grade is over like yea you wanna see my right in the morning its not as pretty as you think lolll
i was gonna send you a pic of my full length mirror this morning but my stupid phone is locked ofc the one day i was actually going to use it early lol i'll try to send one after school
I talked with a counsellor online because I felt desperate and scared and they didn't help one bit, every previous time I've talked to them it helped at least a little but this time it just made me feel worse, as soon as I finished stating all my problems they were like "well how about you go reflect on our chat today and come back and talk to us tomorrow" and I just ended up feeling really p#ssed, and I knew I had to go to school the next day (today) but I was scared that I wouldn't because I was not ok and it was 11PM and usually that feeling stays with me all through the night, and then my internet went off and everything got worse and I panicked a lot and refused to talk or put my phone away or let anyone touch me and eventually I went to sleep because I figured sleep is nearly like death except you wake up again but I was too exhausted to worry about what would happen in the morning
oh wow okay, im really sorry that sounds like it sucks. um, im not really sure what to say other than im really really sorry you went through that and i really hope you won't have to again that sounds horrible. im sorry about the counsellor, its the worst when it makes it worse.
I would have told you earlier but I didn't, I'm scared of being your girlfriend when I can't even tell you stuff like this, when I don't even know you irl and I probably never will, and what if one of us wasn't able to keep contact anymore what if something happens to you or what if I need you and you're not there because of timezones or internet connection or anything, anything could happen and I'm scared
the timezone/internet/contact issues are gonna be there no matter if you're my girlfriend or not, but i get what you're saying. if you're scared of being my girlfriend maybe rn is not the best time for that, you know?
idk.. I love you to bits no doubt and I want to be your girlfriend but I never actually thought I would be, I haven't really been able to comprehend what happened and you asked at an unexpected time so I wasn't really able to feel properly good about it if you see what I mean, I just sorta felt surprised instead
yeah i understand that, im sorry it was so unexpected
okay then. and i want you to know i love you to bits as well.
i mean i dont mind it but its not my favorite it i could live with it but i could also live without it
its rainingggggg for the first time in 3 months and i love ittttt
pff my brother was trying to get in my room but i was holding the door closed bc i didnt really want him to come in so i yelled through the door "WHAT DO YOU NEED" and he was like "fRiEnDsHiP" and i was like "WELL GO BUG SOMEONE ELSE I DONT NEED FRIENDSHIP" and he was like "YES YOU DO YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS" and i was like wow ouch lollll
today i have drama tryouts we're doing A Christmas Carol (like the one with scrooge and the three ghosts) and i really want to be scrooge lol but ofc im not gonna get him bc i look nothing like him but im so excited for it (then afterwards i get to watch a soccer game with my bsf and im excited for that too)
lol no its okay im just an oversharer you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to/don't have anything to, and if you want to tell me everything im cool with that too :)
dude drama tryouts were SO FUN. like we did improv games called "I am a tree" and "Zap" (zap was more high energy so i liked that one better) and then we did scenes and i made 3 new friends (two of them are fruity ones just straight) and then in the first scene I was a Gentlewoman trying to get scrooge to donate to a charity and i got to be passive aggressive and it was great and the second scene i was a guy named Fred and Fred's sister (2 roles) and we were playing a guessing game so I got to do that and I got to be very loud and obnoxious as Fred's sister and me and my partner got to laugh awkwardly at the parts where it said to laugh and they forgot to tell us that the time for practicing lines was over while we were practicing so me and him just watched phineas and ferb until we were finally like "i think they forgot us" and it was great cuz we walked out onto the stage in the middle of another groups performance and at the same time we were just like "yOu fOrGoT uS lOoK hOw -
- dEpReSsEd wE aRe bEcAuSe oF tHiS" and everyone laughed and i, by myself, made the group laugh at least 5 times during practice and i loved it it was so good also in spanish i won 5/8 rounds of the competition we did lol
xDD also yesterday the drama teacher was testing our improv skills because we were just chilling and all of a sudden he was like "BOOM YOU'RE IN GROUPS YOU'RE PERFORMING THE WHOLE PLOT OF CHRISTMAS CAROL IN 3 MINUTES GO" and everyone was like "wAIT WHAT" and it was great bc i got to do a breakup scene with young scrooge which i dont think that even happened in the actual story but it was fun, i was all like "yOu nEvEr cArEd aBoUt mE aLl yOu cArE aBoUt iS mOnEy aNd fAmE. wE'Re OvEr" and i got to storm off and it was hilarious bc the guy playing young scrooge was a senior and he was like a foot taller than me and he was trying so hard not to laugh and it was making me almost laugh i almost broke character can you believe it, but we didn't even get to finish bc we went over the timelimit but it was literally the funnest thing ever
oki. so i have a problem. i think i'm polyamorous (you know what that is right if you dont just tell me and i'll explain it or youd probably just figure it out from the rest of this message) I really don't like it and i don't WANT to be but i think i am, because see I love YOU to the ends of the earth and i always will but theres this person at my school who flusters me every time i talk to her and i just wanted to tell you bc i hate secrets BUT i want to know if you're okay with that because i know a lot of people don't like having a polyamorous partner
yep I'm ok with that. tbh I can sort of relate, although I don't think I am(?) idk I just feel like I have a crush on a lot of different people at the same time except I think most of them are just a crush and nothing more, love is confusing.. but yeah I'm ok with knowing that I still love you and stuff lol nothing would stop me from loving you [dunno whether that's a good thing or not], it's kinda weird but I could get used to it
its kinda late here but i really need to rant to someone or im going to kill myself. i have hit my f ucking LIMIT, i am going to SNAP and murder someone i just know it, first of all my other partner keeps making sexual comments and my mom won't let me see her bc of it and thats super depressing, second i broke my ankle today and i cant f ucking WALK so how am i going to go to school tomorrow because i don't have a CAST or CRUTCHES or anything, and my friend won't f ucking TALK TO ME because her new life all the way across the country is so much more interesting than little old depressed friend who is KIND OF counting on HER to keep in touch bc it seems that every time I call first shes always either busy or in the car so i can never talk to her, i've just been on my bed sobbing for like an hour having a panic attack and i feel like im going to throw up and i have a headache and a stomachache and i cant f ucking breathe and its not good i feel like im dying and i hate it so much and my-
brain keeps screaming at me that i've somehow f ucked up my whole life but it won't tell me how i did it or what's f ucked up and I can't eat because my head will scream at me that i'm already too heavy and make me vomit even though im losing weight at an extremely unhealthy rate because i havent eaten in 5 f ucking days and im always thirsty but every time i try to drink i start to feel sick and i hate it and my ex friendgroup keeps glaring at me and spreading rumors about me making my life living hell at school and the back of my mind is bugging me telling me that all my friends think im annoying whenever i rant to them because it sounds like im complaining so i just shut up and smile and act like im super happy when im actually the absolute opposite. and the worst part is, i know some people have it like a million times worse than me so i feel guilty for feeling bad and its really hard for me to talk about, like i need help but i can't bring myself to tell anyone except my online-
friends who can't really do anything about it bc they don't see me in person and i just wish someone i knew in person actually cared enough to realize the very rapid decline in my mood and energy and mental health but the truth is NO ONE ACTUALLY DOES CARE ENOUGH, like I am pretty sure I can tell when other people aren't feeling good and try to cheer them up and lots of people come to me when they need to rant but for once i want to be the one whos being helped or ranting because i really need it but i cant reach out for it and it sucks
ok look besides just comforting you and stuff is there anything at all I can do to help, like literally anything logan is it possible for me to get in touch with your parents or someone from your school or anyone, can I send a letter to your house or something idk man is there anything at all that I could do because I'll do it, I can video call you if you really need, I'd find some way to get myself to
idek man if you get in touch with my parents they'll be mad i still talk to my online friends even when im not supposed to, same with the letter they'll read it and get mad, both of those will make everything worse, no one at my school cares enough, for the video call i mean ik you said video calls make you uncomfortable i dont want you to be uncomfortable
is there a way I could explain things (or you could explain things) without them getting mad at you? I think they'd understand better if they knew more about your situation and then maybe they wouldn't be as mad at you because they wouldn't misinterpret as much (and this sounds stupid but from what you've said it sounds like they are trying to help you. they just don't know how so it's hurting you even more.)
no, both my parents don't trust anyone and if they knew i talked to you they would be so mad. (maybe)
i had to go home early from school today because my ankle hurts so bad and the crutches i have are too big bc they're my dads so they hurt my arms really bad i already cried twice its not good
3 things. 1) my mom thinks the only reason im "acting" depressed is because im trying to imitate my friend which?? thats the stupidest thing ive ever heard?? so she's restricting how much we're allowed to talk and how much we're allowed to see each other which won't work at all. 2) a year or two ago i told her my nose hurt and then all of a sudden she thinks its some big deal and that i said that every time anything touches my nose it hurts like hell and im going to a nose doctor and she was screaming at me last night about how if i tell them nothings wrong with my nose she's going to be pissed and shes going to take away my phone so like what am i supposed to do? lie? to the doctor? that doesn't seem like a good idea but ok. and 3) she keeps misgendering me, it was so intense that i came out to her last night she was like "ACT LIKE A YOUNG LADY" and i was like "i'm not a lady" and she was like "WE'RE GETTING YOU A DRESS FOR HOMECOMING STOP BEING A BABY YOU'RE A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL" and -
- i was like "HE, THEY, ANYTHING BUT GIRL PLEASE" and she was like "FINE WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR HOMECOMING?" then i told her and she muttered under her breath "everyones gonna think its weird when they see a girl wearing that" and i want to fckin DIE like im not even scared anymore but im not going to bc if i kill myself whos gonna tell my online friends? thats the scariest part at this point
dude hey how are you? how have you been doing? what have you been doing?
hey, I'm ok well not really but imma say I'm ok anyway because that sounds much nicer, uhhh I've been doing great thanks my mum keeps taking the internet from me I haven't gone to school in at least 3 weeks and I'm half insane but I've been watching lots of Doctor Who and that's entertaining ish
wait no whats wrong why aren't you ok? im sorry that sounds not good at alllll
it feels like I'm floating, I'm just always freaking floating with nothing to cling on to, no point in living no stability no instructions, I can try and be happy all I want but I can't get there, I can't be happy because I'm stuck here in this situation and it won't stop no matter what I do it just drifts on to another form of floating, just hanging there waiting for life to get better while everything gets worse, I've ran away from so many things in life I'm scared I'll run out of things to run away from and I'll just be left with nothing, I'll be nothing, I'll just exist
oh man im sorry that sounds like it sucks. i dont really know how to help.... do you have a therapist? if not that might help to just say all of that. im sorry i feel so bad but i really don know how to help with this
oh well maybe you could try getting a different one? i have a therapist who sucks too so i understand. im really sorryyyy
I'm scared I'm really scared everything keeps getting worse and I can't get away from it and I can't be happy and nobody understands me and I miss you I know you're still there but I miss how it used to be I miss being able to have huge long conversations with you and roleplaying and doing dumb stuff and not caring, I don't know what to say anymore I never know what to tell you I don't know if you're ok or if I'm gonna be ok I don't know if I deserve to be in a relationship I don't know what the difference even is between this and just being friends I don't know how to get help or how to help myself I've tried so much and I just want to give up I just want it all to restart and I can live a better life but I can't I wake up every morning and I can't go back to sleep and I cry and I can't stop crying and I can't stop doing stupid things that will mess my life up even more and I just honestly don't believe I am able to live a proper life heck I can't even get dressed
oh my god, im sorry. im so so so sorry you're feeling like this. We can still have huge long conversations if you want to, I thought we still were. I promise I'm ok you dont have to worry about me, I believe that you're gonna be okay too if you keep pushing. You definitely deserve to be in a relationship, you deserve everything good in the frickin world and don't even argue because it's true and you can't change my mind. I understand wanting to restart but that's not possible and it f ucking sucks, i know, but don't give up, okay? Because if you give up, that's it. Thats the end and you'll never get to know what you could've experienced, or what could have gotten better, or what will come into your life to fix things and help you to be happy again. It's alright to cry, cry as much as you want, it won't fix things, true, but it won't make anything worse either and sometimes crying is all you feel like doing and that's okay. Everyone does stupid things and everyone feels like they're -
- just constantly f ucking up their life at one point or another but I promise what seems like a big deal now will shrink in importance as you get older. I'm not going to say everything happens for a reason, because that's not true, but it won't matter someday. And i'm not sure how to help because you live all the way across the world and I wish I could just give you a hug and talk to you and show you how much I love you and how much you matter but I can't because we're way too far apart, so all I can do is message you about it. I just want you to know I love you so so so so much and I'm sure there are so many other people who do as well. And you matter so so so much, I would throw everything away to save you if I had to. And I want you to believe that. You don't have to be happy right now but you shouldn't give up either, ok?
I'm not in school I literally don't have an education and that means I won't be able to get my GCSEs which means I can't get further qualifications and I can't get employed and I might seem hard working or good at art or whatever but I don't know anything on a professional level and I'm not being taught it so idk how I'm gonna live. In a year or two I have to get a part time job to earn money and I don't feel capable of that because I'm inconsistent and don't like talking to people or handling food or whatever, I can't even do volunteering so I can't get my Duke of Edinburgh award even though I did the 2 day 16 mile expedition, I can't socialize without being completely burnt out and severely affected by it so I can't make friends, I can't even cook myself food because I don't trust my attention span and one time I set the smoke alarm off, I might present myself as an average 14 year old girl but I'm so f-cking incapable I mean look at me in a relationship with a person I've never met
I believe in you, you're so smart. Remember when you were helping me with my math? You understood it better than I did. You can do it if you try. I am really sorry you are having such a rough time, I wish I could make it better so bad. And wow, ouch. I understand what you mean but if you feel that way about our relationship, you just have to say so. I'm not forcing you to stay with me.
because you're someone who lives on the literal other side of the world and I've never met you and I might never meet you or at least not for a long time and I can only talk to you and nothing more than that and nobody knows that you exist other than me and like two other people, and you're idek what you are but you look like a girl but you're obviously not a girl and ngl that is pretty weird to get my head around even though I've known you for like ages and I like you as a guy but I also like you as a girl and I don't think I'm supposed to like you in the first place because I'm not a relationships type of person really and I would have thought I'd like someone more.. real than you, yet I do like you
Well then maybe its best for us to not be in a relationship atm. I feel like im just causing you stress and you already are going through a really hard time so maybe its not the best idea rn.
well i almost killed myself last night so not great? but its fine. hby?
happy late halloween lol what did you do for halloween?
not much, i talked on the phone with my friend for like 4 hours but that was about it. i didn't go trick or treating bc when i was 10 i got screamed at for being too old to go trick or treating and now im nearly 15 and every time i try to go trick or treating i just get like paralyzed with fear i'll get judged lmao so nothing much
lol okay, nah my halloween was fine im just disappointed no one got to see my costume
uh not a lot, but one of my friends released a game on halloween that he's been working on for a long time so I played that and became kinda obsessed with it lol (which brings back nostalgia from last year when a different person released a game on halloween and I also played it over and over), and I didn't go trick-or-treating (never have really, being an only child) but I put out decorations and sweets for other people to take so yeah. and the few days before halloween I went on holiday by the sea with my grandparents and annoying 10-year-old cousin and we visited places which did halloween-themed stuff which was cool. I love being by the sea
oop i had the opposite problem, i kept falling asleep on the phone with my friend and she kept having to wake me up lmao
ive already cried twice and had a panic attack and wanted to off myself three times today and its only 10 am this is gonna be a good day
my gf was sad today and wouldn't tell me why so it made me sad and she legit wouldn't talk to me so i cried bc i wanted to make sure she was okay but she wouldn't talk to me and i got called a b!tch twice in PE for no reason so i cried and people started making fun of me and my bsf for being bad at badminton so i started crying and because my gf was in a bad mood, she yelled at me and she never yells at me so i got scared then she stormed off and i cried and had a panic attack bc i was absolutely sure that was the end of our relationship (which it wasn't) and then in 4th period i cried bc i forgot to bring my book for my book report but my teacher said it was fine i could just do it tomorrow and at lunch i cried bc my gf yelled at me again and i was overwhelmed bc we were sitting inside bc it was raining outside and it was very loud and overwhelming and so i just sat and ignored her for the rest of lunch but she started to feel bad so she sat on the floor with me and gave me a hug -
which was nice then in 5th period i cried bc i had a presentation which i forgot to study for but my teacher said i could do it tomorrow (all my teachers are so nice im just now realizing this) and then after school at drama i had another panic attack bc my gf's ex said something to her that made HER have a panic attack and start crying so i also had a panic attack and started crying and she never told me what and then i cried literally on stage in front of everyone bc i forgot my line and i was so embarrassed that i forgot ONE FREAKING LINE which is kind of stupid and so i went and sat with my gf and she gave me a hug.
if you can tell ive just been an emotional wreck the whole day, crying about things that don't even matter.
AND THE BEST PART IS I NEVER CRY OR SHOW EMOTION IN FRONT OF PEOPLE SO NONE OF THESE PEOPLE HAD SEEN ME SHOW ANY EMOTION EXCEPT ENERGY ZOOM ZOOM TALK A LOT AND RUN AROUND BEING HAPPY. IF YOU CAN IMAGINE PEOPLE WERE VERY WORRIED AND WANTED TO GIVE ME HUGS WHEN I WAS OVERWHELMED AND DID NOT WANT TO BE TOUCHED
ah i forgot the best part: the start of it all. my brother took 20 minutes to find his f ucking coat this morning so i got to school at 7:39 when class starts at 7:40 and i did not get to meet up with my friends this morning and i was stressed out and i cried in the car
and now me and my gf had a conversation about stuff that im not gonna share and i told her it wouldn't change how i think about her or how much i care about her or how much i love her and she just responded with "do you really love me or do you love the person i make you think i am" and i just broke down SOBBING because i really dont know and i swear im just gonna off myself soon enough because i feel like im just not ready to live. idk why i was born. its obvious im not capable enough to make it to my adult years. I tried to commit suicide at 9 f ucking years old how do people think that im going to survive until 18?? im just too sensitive and too paranoid and too anxious and too easily overwhelmed and i just.... idek... change. i can go from super quiet, antisocial, please don't touch me i will scream at you and then cry, to just super hyper literally jumping off the walls always talking always joking always laughing and giving hugs and holding hands at the snap of a finger. I don't.
understand it. and im not going to be able to idk whats wrong with me or how to fix it and i dont want to talk to people about it bc i keep getting tiktoks about people with similar issues to me getting put in f ucking MENTAL HOSPITALS and thats terrifying i dont want that to happen, which it probably wouldn't this is probably just me being paranoid which proves one of my earlier points. i just want to fall asleep while cuddling my gf and then never wake up. at least then i could feel some form of peacefulness or happiness as i cease to exist. but OH I FORGOT i can't bc my gf is putting on a fake persona to make me like her so that just encourages my paranoia about stuff like people not loving me and just pretending and now i feel like when i see her tomorrow im going to be weird about it and i dont WANT to be weird about it. she says she's going to be either really distant or really touchy tomorrow and im not sure which i'd prefer. bc im not sure i want to be touched rn bc i am very -
overwhelmed and trying to process all of these emotions just EXISTING inside me and i dont think a hug would help like it usually does, but i also dont want her to be distant bc when she's distant it makes me very worried about her bc shes almost never distant and idek what to do anymore i just might off myself. not like anyone would be sad about it.
one thing I've learned from being friends with you Howl, you are absolutely capable. you are intelligent and funny and sweet and kind and you've kept going. You've come all this way and it's heckin been worth it. because I'm here and you're here and we're gonna get through it
but i'm NOT, that's the problem. I USED to be intelligent and funny and kind but im not anymore im changing and its absolutely terrifying bc i don't want to. I'm scared to grow up and mature and lose friends and have to do things by myself, but at the same time I hate being a kid bc i have to go to school and get bullied all day and have friend drama (my mom said that i am going through more drama rn then she has in her whole life) that i dont want to deal with and idk what to do about it so i just cry
that's not really how it works logan. you don't really grow up, you just get older and find yourself able to do more things with your life. you're always gonna be intelligent and funny and kind even if you're not able to show it because that's part of who you are - and the same person you've always been since you were a kid. I barely talk to people anymore irl but does that mean I'm no longer talkative? nopee I have a heckin lot to say I just don't know how to say it.
there's nothing at all wrong with you you're just in a situation which is making you feel like this. I suspect something's not right and you need to change how you're living to something that better suits you. tbh this is the same as what happened to me except I would not tolerate stuff to the point that I started crying, I would just get really scared about everything and not go to school in the first place, and I've been off school for quite a long time now and I can't say it's better or happier but there's a lot less stress so I have the opportunity to take a step back and work on my feelings now. I think I am gonna figure it out myself in time. I just need to learn more about myself first. Maybe that's similar for you?
im scared about everything too. ive been skipping classes and getting marked absent and not doing my work and my grades have been dropping so my parents scream at me about it which stresses me out more and makes me cry. im scared about being at school, im scared about being at home, im scared about being at OTHER PEOPLES homes, idk. I can't do anything anymore, i can't work, i can't keep relationships going without some sort of drama, i can't sleep, i can't eat, i can't enjoy the things i used to enjoy and im scared of that too. I can't think of anything in particular that i could just NOT DO and then it would make things better because im scared of EVERYTHING
I'm still figuring things out but I think either I'd do better with a different form of education with less stress/smaller group of people/less expectations and deadlines or I'd need to work on my confidence before I start going back to school again so then I am able to cope with the stress of it all and still manage to enjoy it (like I used to before any of this happened). Right now I am vulnerable which is probably why everything feels so hard. I also think maybe it might be the people I spend time with at school which are making things difficult for me, I was really reluctant to the idea of moving school to start with but maybe if I moved school I might find better people who I would fit in better with. I love the people at my school but I can't seem to be able to be properly friends with anyone to the point I could consider them a friend and that's not cuz I'm lazy I think it's just cuz I don't fit in as well as I might do if I found some different people.
that sounds like a good idea. im glad you're figuring this stuff out kinda and realizing what would be better for you.
sorry that rant was a bit much i think im alr now bc its the weekend. school just stresses me out sometimes.
I think.. I miss the old you. You've kept throwing so much stuff at me and I've been like "I love you no matter what howl", somehow. but I miss the old you so bad. I hate caring about you to the point where you scare me because how could life let somebody as f*****g beautiful as you want to die, it hurts me a lot and so I want to ignore you I want to run away and never look back I mean you don't even understand where I'm coming from there is no reason for me to like you so much but I can't not think about you. You've changed and I don't like you but I still love you and that makes me very scared
im sorry i really don't know how to respond to that?
im sorry i scare you? i really wish i didn't, is there any way i could fix that? i understand though i am changing into a much less likable person than i was before and if you need a break from me then i am happy to give you that, whatever you need.
y'know what, earlier today I was really really tempted to say goodbye and delete my accout and never check boredpanda again, because idk, it just felt right, maybe I thought the pain would make me feel more real, or I'd have happy memories of you or something and it'd make my life better. but f**k that, you're beautiful, and you still give off the same vibes you did when I first met you
oh. well im glad you didnt say goodbye and leave because i would've missed you so frickin bad. Just because im different than when I first met you doesn't mean I love having you as a friend any less.
omg i dooo, wow that was so long ago that i made that project lol
kinda cheesy now that im looking at it but remembering it makes me happy
lol my gf got a runny nose and sore throat and a cough and she passed it to me, everythings sore and my head hurts so bad rn (its not covid i promise she got a test)
youll probably never see this lol, but in case you do i love you and care about you a lot and i hope youre having a good day and have more good days and youre awesome and you have awesome music taste and are awesome at art and youre just cool and idk im just saying the same things over and over again but that must be bc youre just that cool and idk what else to say bc im too distracted by how cool beans you are B)
also im immature so i thought that a picture of me at this angle was frickin hilarious so here you go you can see how broken my humor is Screenshot...e2-png.jpg 
do you need to talk about it? or do you need anything in general?
yeah but i can still try. is there anything you need?
ok wow boredpanda made me make a whole new acc bc my school emails name got changed my god im a little pissed about that i was in the top 1% and had 184 followers lmfao
aw im sorry, im a big mess of emotions but its so confusing im not feeling necessarily bad. i really wish i could give you a hug irl rn
i tucked my hair in and my god i kind of look like thomas sanders Screenshot...f9-png.jpg 
pretty good, I fixed my sleep schedule and nearly messed it up again my staying up till 5, but I woke up at 10am so everything's fine,, I also got a wardrobe and stuff and my room looks sO much nicer, it looks like an actual bedroom now lol (it used to be very cluttered) and I'm forbidden to sit in the wardrobe which makes me VERY mad but I'm sitting in it rn anyway because it's just too good
also i found a song that i really really like and you might like too, its called Numb Little Bug by Em Beihold (idk if youve heard it before or not but eh)
sorry for all the messages lol, but someone gave me their rubiks cube so i ofc made a d/ck cuz im just mature like that (ill add a pic of the pattern im talking abt) and i gave it back to them, said "i made you a d/ck" and they went "wow. thanks. i really appreciate that." and i just did finger guns because obviously. id be honored if someone gave me a rubiks cube like that. Screenshot...4a4058.png 
my friend gave me a cool swag hat and a sticker that says "junior officer" for a police office so im a cool junior officer and newspaper boy from the 80s or whatever at the same time :thumbsup: Screenshot...ad-png.jpg 
not very well (im working on getting better) but yesyes i can bc im smart B)
whoaaa thats amazing, my record is like- 15 minutes lmfao (i told you im not very goof but i can solve it eventually)
ALSO HELLO I GOT A JOB I MAKE MONEY FROM WORKING AT A PIZZA TRUCK NOW
ALSO SONG RECS FROM MY NEW FAVORITE ARTIST IF YOU WANT THEM - High Definition by Waterparks. Telephone by Waterparks. Gloom Boys by Waterparks. 21 Questions by Waterparks. (if you can tell, i really like Waterparks lately)
also i just burst out laughing in the middle of class why is this so hilarious to me unnamed-18...0849ea.jpg 
YES, including tips its an estimated 25-35 dollars an hour with 8 hour days dude THATS LIKE A LOT (LIKE 240 BUCKS A DAY WOW)
it IS terrifying and complicated and im already confused and scared but its great
magic B) (im not supposed to be able to get a job until im 16, but my aunt and uncle run the pizza truck and pulled some strings)
thats awesome, im glad youre doing good. and i would do the same thing with the wardrobe.
meh, i dont mind it but i dont necessarily like it, at least not that hairstyle
i wish i could give you a real hug but i cant so a virtual one will have to do *a really good hug*
and the song House of Memories by Panic! At The Disco is amazing, i think youd might like it but idrk
yeah I agree it can be pretty dramatic at times, I've been in the sea a lot though and on paddle boards or kayaks and boats so I've gotten used to it ig. My favourite thing to do is to just stand (or sit on a rock or something) ankle deep in the water for ages and do nothing, it's relaxing lol
lol exactly. yeah i love both just together isn't as good
people scare me too don't worry, well i would never hate you no matter what you say/feel/etc.
I really really missed you when you were gone and now that you're back it's weird to talk to you again because you're the best person ever but at the same time I don't seem to feel as excited to say anything to you I usually just tell other people instead but I want to talk to you but it's weird
on scratch Hawkfeather/Onyx says "also if you can tell her that I am so sorry for not responding to him. I decided to stop using DA because I was getting more and more depressed by the day and thought it would help. ty.", and scarlet-stars says "tell them that i miss them so, so so so so so so so so so much!! <33"
tell hawkfeather its completely fine i understand, tell scarlet i miss them so so so so so so so so so so so much too
the third reply of the third comment down on the video. made me feel something similar to that feeling you described when you want to cry and you're just content and want to stay there feeling that forever and it feels so happy and kind-of nostalgic even though you've just found it, well it feels similar intensity to that except it's not that feeling it's everything I feel everything and I can't stop re-watching it and wanting to cry.. kinda weird reaction to just some animation meme but that's how it makes me feel ig
okay, i kinda expected her not to be able to, it's okay
(lol i arm wrestled somebody so it hurts way more than it should) thank youuuu lolll
im feeling awesome, a bit tired as i didnt sleep all night bc i was gay panicking bc the person ive been hopelessly in love with for 6 months kissed me yesterday and i was extREMELY surprised and idk whether it was with romantic intention or if she was trying to make someone jealous but it made me very happy either way and i have so much energy despite not sleeping while being very tired at the same time its a very weird feeling lmao
lol also people just keep HANDING me articles of clothing, none of what im wearing is mine except my pants and also i have the hat on that i was wearing the other day (which is not mine) (ALSO I LOOK LIKE AN EMO LMFAO I DIDNT REALIZE UNTIL I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR) Screenshot...05-png.jpg
(also I just realised I like Heavy by Haux like 2x more now that I know my favourite part of the song has these lyrics "take a sigh, take a breath in, keep em close, keep em guessing, people lie, learn a lesson, count your friends, and your blessings" idk why but I really really like those lyrics)
A song with a COMPLETE change of tone that you might not like because its extremely inappropriate to the point where it used to make ME feel uncomfortable (it doesnt anymore and is one of my favorite songs now but eh) but ive been listening to it on repeat and its stuck in my head so imma tell you what it is anyways, its HOT DEMON B!TCHES NEAR U ! ! ! by Corpse
there are just some songs that cause me to zone out when they come on and thats one of them. no clue why, it just happens.
anyways more songs that i found over spring break that i think you'll like: Team by Lorde, Build-A-Bear by Maggie Brewer, Dead Girls by Penelope Scott
ok but seriously have you heard Together Forever by Rick Astley? its a f ucking masterpiece
very nice lol and thats not a surprise, pretty much anything looks really good on you
lol thats sweet of you, and i dont mind if you dont have much to say, i just have a whole lot to say
off topic but imagine showing your legs in what you wear to school smh couldnt be me Screenshot...c6f0ec.png
I AM ABSOLUTELY FREEZING, IT SNOWED THIS MORNING. WHY DID I WEAR THIS /TODAY/ IM AN IDIOT BUT I MEAN AT LEAST IM HOT
luckyyyy, i dont like the snow. (and before you get mad at me about that lol, everyone gets mad at me for not liking the snow, but its because i cant breathe when its that cold outside cuz of my lung stuff, it hurts like hell) it snowed so much back in january we had to stay home from school for like a week or two. it sucked.
yeah the summers really humid which makes it hard to breathe too, which is why i mostly stay inside except in spring and fall
this morning i made a joke by saying "imagine feeling joy" (obviously i do experience joy) and my friend i was walking with goes "okay i know youre obviously an emo but you dont have to take it that far" it was the funniest s**t istg
ok so i cried during lunch and then my friend made a joke when i was complaining about how they didnt hug me and they went "what are you gonna do, cry about it?" and then immediately was like "oh my god that was not the right time for that joke" but it was the funniest thing ive heard in a while other than when i was on the phone with a friend and i was playing video games at the same time and i go "oh i accidentally broke it" and he said "what'd you break?" and i went "your mom" and he went "my moms disabled"
you mean how did I realise or how do I have OCD? uh I realised because I've been looking through a bunch of conditions/neurotypes tryna find what it is that makes sense because there was part of me that I didn't understand and at first I dismissed it because like, I don't have rituals, I'm not obsessed with being clean or checking things over and over but then I realised like, I overthink ALL THE TIME and I could never put a label to it before, I couldn't describe that it wasn't normal overthinking so I just called it buildup of anxiety and 'like my thoughts were moving very fast' lol, and then I realised I actually do do some kinda dumb pointless things like I can't eat food that's past the date even if it's still fine, and I'm really picky about whether cutlery I use is clean (I have to wash it every time beforehand even if it's already been washed) and there were a bunch of other things I used to do when I was younger that I never understood so I just sorta kept quiet about.
oh i didnt know that was also OCD (tbh i dont know a lot about ocd so that might just be it) on the subject of dumb pointless things, i have things like that. like for example, i always have to blow into a cup before i use it, i dont know why.
i said "lmao wdym" but then i felt dumb so i deleted it and told myself id just live as an idiot that never knows what people mean lmfao
lol maybe you have OCD then. ok I said I couldn't be bothered, but I'll list a few more things. when I was younger, whenever I heard airplanes at night (only at night) I had to close my eyes and hide/pretend I was asleep. idk why. airplanes are cool, I wasn't even scared, I just had to do that. I hate the number 23 (for appropriate reasons) but because I do, I notice it all the time and whenever I notice it I have to distract myself or wait until it disappears. there was a period of time when I was younger when I was terrified of mosquitoes and whenever I heard them I'd bolt downstairs and get my mum to go find it. I had to keep windows closed and stuff and frequently flinched whenever I heard something that might be a mosquito. I wasn't scared of getting bitten, I was just literally scared of the bugs themselves, which I think is really weird because I generally like all insects. after like a year I completely forgot about that fear and have never been scared since.
I get really scared of sweating because once I start it's really hard to stop. I don't think I sweat an unusual amount(?) but I find it a lot hard to regulate my temperature and I hate summer so, idk. but like, whenever I'm sweating, all I can think about is the fact that I'm sweating. so I have to wear loose clothing whenever it's remotely warm weather. it's annoying
and then I realised I actually spend like 80% of my time just rereading messages I've sent people or messages people have sent me. and I was like shoot, am I not supposed to do that? nobody else does that right? so yeah I think I probably have OCD, or something along those lines :P I'm not too sure what to do about that because the mental health services in my country suck and it's kinda a big problem if I never noticed it before but at least I'm aware I guess
and welp im sorry that the mental health services suck there, i mean yeah being aware is better than being not aware?
but i do that. i reread every text conversation ive ever sent people. i scroll all the way up to the top and spend hours at a time every day re-reading everything we've ever sent to the point where ive memorized conversations from years ago that the other person doesnt even remember having.
loll OCD. I'm telling you. I spend so much time rereading things and thinking about random memories from years ago. I have a bunch of really random screenshots on my phone that I look over every now and then because they make me happy. I bookmark so much stuff. I also take ages to send a message because I spend a long time rereading it to check I've said the right thing. I'm bad at making jokes because I think about them so much that they become unfunny and then I can't stand to say it. I predict conversations in my head all the time. I guess random stuff about people too, like their personality types or personal choices. 70% of the time I'm right
i have a folder of random screenshots from conversations that dont stand out or are particularly interesting on my phone but i love them and i read them at least twice a day bc they make me happy. and i put paper in random places in the books i read so i can go back and read that scene again because i love it, even if its not that interesting. and what are some of the things youve guessed about people that turned out right?
ok so I was talking to a friend and I was convinced he was a synesthete (not for any particular reason, I just had a feeling). he told me he wasn't twice, before finding out he was lol Screenshot...bbfa04.jpg
names most definitely do have personalities. speaking of which, i have had at least 4 people tell me that Logans have big egos and i have absolutely NO idea what theyre talking about /lh /j
I can guess book characters' appearances correctly before I even see other people's fanart or anything, and draw them, and I can guess people's appearances and names from their voice alone Screenshot...b2ac54.jpg
OH I FORGOT TO SHOW YOU I DREW DINOSAURS THE OTHER DAY AND THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY FOR LITERALLY NO REASON Screenshot...c7-png.jpg
nonono triceratops are cool but velociraptors at least are above those on the epicness scale
also today kayde got very close to my face and goes "you have tiny hairs on your nose. theyre very handsome. i like your nose hairs." then walks away. i was so confused lmfao
(i told you i re read things until i remember conversations that other people usually dont remember) yesyes
this is extremely off topic but every time i refer to you i want to call you squiggle wiggle
dude whyyyy. people think its fun to flirt with me bc i get flustered so easily and my face goes like bright red and the individual who ive had a crush on for like 6 months now got chocolate flavored chapstick and she was showing me and goes "do you want a taste after school?" and winked at me and i completely broke
bruh im just hot (plus i got new earringsss) Screenshot...ee-png.jpg
also ive been vibing to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiqoW6_GU9M i love it so much and idek why
oh I was gonna show you lol I found my phone the other day after it's been lost for 3 frickin years (well I say lost, I knew where it was the whole time but we don't talk about that I'm weird ok) and it had a bunch of really cringey old photos of me from like 2018/19 on them and I found the comparison fascinating so imma show you
me trying to look casual then vs me trying to look casual now (also yes I'm still in love with my jacket, I'm afraid I no longer have capacity to crush on you anymore because this jacket fills all the holes in my life /j) 20220507_0...6a18fe.jpg
11 year old blank stare vs 15 year old blank stare (also man I miss that old blue fleece I used to wear it was super comfy) (but I have a jacket now so it's all good 8) ) 20220506_2...e2fbf6.jpg
all in all I think I've gotten more both more and less androgynous, a LOT more self conscious, less stupid, less ugly, and better at lighting and camera angles (not that that's something I particularly wanted to learn out of pure self hatred but cool ig). I think I look a lot more.. old.. than I feel. I don't have a heckin clue what I'm doing xD I kinda relate better to young me. but yeah
anyways it sounds like your self-image has gotten better which is good lol. and you dont look old, you actually look pretty young which, im not sure if you want to look young or old, but you at least look younger than me so.
ikr I look young. it's weird. but because I'm used to looking young I look old for me. like, I feel like I'm supposed to still be about 9 years old but somehow I'm a teenager. with like, a face and a body and stuff. and I can like, walk around in it. and people can see it. it's weird. (still learning facial expressions lol, I don't know what to do with myself I must be so awkward irl, good thing you know me online)
also kinda off topic but its weird to me to think about the fact that other people have lives too because as we both know i can get pretty self-centered/arrogant and im working on that but its still a problem so i tend to think of other people as side characters in my life and don't really think of them as having lives. its like my life is a really badly written book in which the author doesn't give any info about anyone except the protagonist and the love interest so you just never think about them lmao, you know? like my brother tells me what happens at school and how his crush is becoming his friend but likes his best friend and not him and im like "wow im not the only person in the world other people have lives and problems and s hit and they also have friend drama and get bullied and have passions and struggle with math and stuff" and its just weird to me when i realize that yknow? idk its weird
also today kayde described my music taste as "badass emo music" and im like no im pretty sure its just people screaming into a microphone but alright
also i look like im high or something today, i swear im not im just really really tired lmao Screenshot...df-png.jpg
im not wearing a mask today to school and i already regret it lol but im this far i might as well go all the way
its so weirddddd like dude i have a FACE (i wear my mask EVERYWHERE, like even at home. the only times i take it off are to shower and sleep thats it like- f a c e
yeah so I was on holiday by the sea (yay) but I only got like 3 days of it because the first day I couldn't stayed home because of anxiety and the last 2 or 3 days I was sick with covid :P which was pretty bad because I'm unvaccinated and high risk. but I didn't need to go to hospital or anything and I'm almost better now so it's ok
well i mean you can do that when its june ill see it in september then lol
bruh look at my scratch profile for my alt acc cassy is trying to get back together with me and i panicked bc i had to go but i didnt just wanna leave her when she told me she missed how we used to be so i just said "me too" like thats the most idiotic thing i couldve said wtf why and now im stuck with her thinking i still like her and wanna get back together and im just playing along bc i dont wanna hurt her feelings again
ive been getting much more confident lately (yay) so imma send you pics of me bc why the heckity heck not
i just thought this picture was funny (and i wonder if you can tell what my favorite color is by my LED lights in all these pics lmao) Screenshot...6db5a9.png
i dunno why i tolerate this picture but i do Screenshot...c41053.png
its me being * r e b e l l i o u s * and partaking in the hand gestures my mother would not approve of Screenshot...ff0a19.png
look its me last night when i was supposed to be asleep and i felt attractive Screenshot...5e-png.jpg
okok so a lot of stuff happened but not that much but still a lot: I realised my anxiety is frickin AWFUL because I can't even go out and meet people, but I went out and met people anyway (I'm trying to join a new scout group cuz I'm too old for my old one but it's scaryyy) and it was terrifying and an annoying kid from my school was there but it was ok but idk it was scary and extremely weirdly nostalgic cuz everything looked exactly the same as my old scout group just, different
AND I'm getting a puppy. my parents agreed they could get me another dog cuz my dog Noodle only loves my mum and ignores me (I was gonna try get an autism service dog but they're way too expensive and I would probably have to wait a few years before I could take it home if I was even able to get one, so we decided against that) we decided we're gonna get a puppy and then train it to do service dog stuff, so even if it's not a proper service dog it can still help me in some ways. so that'll be fun. and then I really wanted a border collie for various reasons but my mum found a puppy available that was springer spaniel x poodle, which she thought could be suitable, and then even though I was reluctant (cuz I wanted a border collie) I went and saw it anyway and then I accidentally fell in love with it so we're gonna get it. I decided I can just pretend it's a border collie, it's not too different from one lol.
but then I freaked out and had a meltdown because it might not be the right dog for me because I really want a border collie and what if I just get so obsessed with trying to make it be a border collie that I can't love it for who it really is, but my mum said if it works out really bad and the only thing right for me is a border collie then she'd be willing to get me one of them too. which is sweet but I'm still kinda freaking out cuz the idea of 3 dogs in one home sounds chaotic and expensive when I could have just made the right decision and chosen a border collie instead. but anyway we're gonna take her home in 2 weeks. I am extremely impatient
look its me and my bf when we went to a fair yesterday :) 20220918_1...cb1a97.jpg
the one i went to the fair with is named zayden, yellow hair is zenith Screenshot...2b3bda.png
yea its called a quad (aka we're all dating each other) Screenshot...1a-png.jpg
basically the main thing im upset about is my ex, she reached out to me when i was perfectly content not talking to her at all for the rest of my life and she asked if we could try being friends again and i said yeah. that lasted exactly 5 days lol, she texted me in the morning obviously looking to use me to vent like she always does, she goes "Last night was not fun" with no context or anything thats just the only thing she said and i was REALLY not in the mood for her to vent to me atm so i just said "wasn't fun for me either" and she goes "oh why? did you relapse?" (i did not) and before even waiting for me to reply she goes "its not even considered relapsing at this point you cut so much" and i got REALLYYYYY upset at that comment bc at that point i had been clean for a week and i was rly proud of myself and i went "bro what the f**k ive been clean for a week" and she said "oh. i didn't know. i just assumed you were doing it the whole time we never talked" and i went "yea, you -
- didn't know, so dont make shitty comments like that because that makes me really upset when you say things like that" and she goes "k. im just gonna go bc im just pissing you off like always. thats all i ever do i guess" and i said "good idea. bye" and she went OFF dude she was so mad she called me a cu nt, a whore, a bit ch and told me she hopes i kill myself for good n sh it and i started crying in class and i was so upset dude, idk why stuff like that doesnt usually affect me but it rly did this time and idk why
and then kaydes being a bi tch too, i wore a dress to school bc i WANTED TO and the first thing she says was "stop dressing like a sl ut. you look weird. you should go change. try to care about what other people will think of you before you dress like that." and i cried then too
and my bf is sad and he doesnt want me to hug him or anything or talk to him and im rly rly worried and idk what to do bc his tiktok stories are all about how he wants to kill himself and im really worried
and im back to being on autopilot, ik we talked about this a year or two or whatever ago, i dont feel like im in control and i just do things and im such an idiot i keep doing stupid things bc my brain is like "its ok youll be okay none of this is actually happening there will be no consequences" so im being mean to people and ruining friendships and falling behind on my schoolwork i already have 2 failing grades and we've only been in school for a month, i have 4 assignments that were due last week that i havent started and 2 that are due today that i didnt do. and ive been getting pissy with my mom and i keep cutting myself and i drank alcohol and i just take too many pills "just for the hell of it, if it doesnt kill me cool if it does cool" and i just dont realize what im doing and it doesnt feel like its that big of a deal because none of its real anyways right? there will be no consequences ill just wake up and be back in my sh itty life and not have to deal with any of it -
- and people are like "dude ur f ucking up your life" and i just dont understand like how? cuz none of it seems that serious to me, but ik that people are upset with me for doing all that and idk whats happening and im spiraling again so im gonna stop now
i love you too. like a lot, ur one of my best friends ive ever had <3
ok so um. a lot happened since then and now. I have the puppy. she's adorable. her name is Kestrel. BUT. heh. eheheh. I also have a border collie puppy. so um. I have 2 puppies. the border collie puppy is a blue merle with blue eyes and she's beautiful. and her name is Mika. and I love them both so much. and it's complete chaos. *grins madly*
im so happy for you, did you name her kestrel off of that one dragon from wings of fire or nah? also guess whatttt today i broke up with kayde. again.
ye (ill send a screenshot) lol i think kestrel was in the first book but thats all good. and no im okay i cried for a few days but im good now. (its all good, im glad ur feeling better :) ) Screenshot...63-png.jpg
also here's a whole bunch of music I've been listening to recently: Second 2 None by Mura Masa, La vita nouva by Christine and the Queens, Gone by Charli XCX, Body by Christine and the Queens (I'm a little obsessed with Christine and the Queens), Comme si on s'aimait by Christine and the Queens, King by Years & Years, Tell Me That You're Okay by Noahfinnce, Dayvan Cowboy by Boards of Canada, DC Rot by Yune Pinku, Apple Juice by Hanlyn, Vacation by Dirty Heads, Stabilise by Nilufer Yanya, Time-Lapse by Gates of Heaven, From Finner by Of Monsters and Men, Loser by Suenco, Riptide by The Chainsmokers, I'm already Dead by Dreamers, Listen Out Loud by Dreamers, Still Not Dead by Dreamers, Sweet Disaster by Dreamers, Na Na Na by Pentatonix, Medicine by Daughter
also here's art I've done. and origami. I made an origami seagull and origami dragons on holiday :D the seal is referenced from a picture I took irl (I visited an aquarium). I also saw dolphins in the wild on a boat trip and I have photos but I can't be bothered to send them all so ehh. and photos of stuff in the aquarium but I took like a billion so I can't be bothered. it was cool. origamisea...1236df.jpg
origami is so fun dude and youre so good at it, i only ever make frogs and dragons and occasionally penguins and hearts
speaking of school, are you proud of me im getting better at math and i actually am getting my grades up. today we went over a maths assignment from yesterday and i got 25/26 and i was like WHOA because i NEVER get that high of a score on math things, and i finally finished my presentation for english which ive been procrastinating on and we dont talk about science that doesnt count i have like 10 missing assignments in that class, but for spanish i finished the year with a B+ and im very happy with that bc i absolutely f*****g SUCK at spanish
i do not. i much prefer german. my favorite phrase is "ich will deine mutter ficken" ive told you about it before idk if you remember tho lol
welp im incorrect she put the assignments i didnt do in the gradebook its fine a B- as a final grade is still okay (the C+ is my 3rd quarter grade and the B is my 4th quarter grade so the B- is my final grade for this semester) Screenshot...95-png.jpg
sorry if you dont care at all abt my grades but im showing you anyways, look how SKILLED i am at science lmfao Screenshot...33662f.png
hey just letting you know this is my last week of school so if i disappear for like 3 months after this week its bc its summer and i have no way to get on, we've done this before. just letting you know
dude i feel so bad for my friend, i was on the phone with them last night and i was having the most intense mood swings, from crying and having a whole-a*s mental breakdown bc what if reality is a lie and nothing we do matters to having the mindset of "wow i am literally a god look at me go"
yes i am. i have my self esteem moments and i just start talking about how hot i am or how amazing i am and about how im the best and how im hilarious and i take like a million selfies and send them to my friends and its annoying to other people lol. and yeah exactly.
lol im a lot more awkward irl than online too, thats just a given for basically everyone. facial expressions are weird, you dont need to know how to use them right and yeah people being able to see you is really weird to me too. like, im in this body and its mine but why am i not in a different body? why am i not in that persons over there? what would be different if i had the same personality but a different body? yknow?
my friend says that i should tell you that you smell nice bc i was asking what other compliments i could say but i have no clue what you smell like so im sure you smell nice even though ive never smelled you before lmfao
mayonnaise is disgusting. and well okay then i bet i do taste nice, ive been told that before B) /hj
well i mean thats my bf so (he's not as charming as he looks. i wanna break up w him but idk how)
On The Edge by Noah Ransom, Ramblings Of A Lunatic by Bears In Trees, The Edge by Grant, Molecules by Atlas Genius, Real World by Tai Verdes, Sour Candy by Melt, Four Letter Words by K.Flay, Mess Is Mine by Vance Joy, Perfect by Madeleine Paige, Upside by Mothica, Oh The Humanity by Gabriel Lewis, Recovery by James Arthur, Half Ladies by Christine and the Queens
ikr, and liking triceratops is such an ida thing to do xD. it fits with your color scheme which i think has changed since i first told you what i thought it was, now its a dark blue-dark greenish color scheme. (also fun fact i havent said "xD" in like a million years)
xD that's correct how did you know. xD I know you barely say xD anymore. I'm on a mission to replace every "lol" I make with a genuine reaction, so then I can say lmao and you'll know that I'm actually laughing my a-- off, not just smiling. your colour scheme used to be the colours of your toothless-playing-guitar pfp but then it changed to purple and light blue, and since then it's been an orange-pink gradient type thing. I like to think of myself as dark-turquoise-ish like my profile colour scheme, but my name itself "Ida" and my appearance seems orange pink ish (but different from yours). I don't actually have a particular favourite colour, I just base it off my colour scheme, that's why I like turquoise, and I love that you understand what I'm talking about rn
ok i gotta go now cuz school is over but i'll be back tomorrow, and before i go i wanna remind you i love you and appreciate you a lot and care about you a lot and youre like my best friend and favorite person and yeah okay bye bye :)
also dude last night i was on the phone with my friend and i made a SH joke bc im just like that (for context i havent done SH in like 2-3 weeks now are ya proud of me B) ) and he just goes "nO DONT DO THAT AGAIN IF YOU DO IM SKIPPING ALL OF MY CLASSES TO STAY WITH YOU ALL DAY AND MAKE SURE YOURE OKAY" and bro i started crying cuz i genuinely didnt know anyone cared about me THAT much like there arent many people id skip school for so it seems really sweet
I mean I would have checked on you too except I don't know you irl and I didn't know whether it was a big problem or not plus I feel kinda guilty for mentioning it to start with that one time :P I'd skip school for you. school sucks anyway let's just go hang out in the toilets /lh /srs
i would 100% go hang out in the toilets with you that sounds awesome /srs
okay my boyfriends boyfriend just called me boyfriend what do i do im so confused
yours used to be a turqoise-purple kind of thing, then it went to more of a kelly green, and then it was a dark blue and now its a dark blue-dark green ish. i like to think of myself as some sort of blue but orange-pink is great too cuz that reminds me of sunsets and sunsets are swag. your appearance gives me a sort of yellowish-pink and your name gives me orange but like, a more muted orange, not so bright, yknow? and yes i love how we just understand what all of this means even though in reality to someone else it probably makes zero sense
yes yes that's my appearance, and, I usually think of my name as an ugly pink colour but it could be orange. you are a bit blue because you remind me of me and I'm a bit blue, you're also purple because you just are,, my type of people are purple. but you're mostly orange-pink because that's how your sense of humour looks and your sense of humour is like the majority of your personality ngl, it's great lol. and yeah xD it's awesome
yes my sense of humor is literally almost all of my personality because im just absolutely hilarious and very humble and then thats pretty much it B)
i checked your boredpanda profile to make sure i had it right dw /hj
VELOCIRAPTORS are swaggy though and scientists say they can open doors im pretty sure which is great cuz i can open doors half the time too (the other half the time i just walk into them)
aaaaaa we're reading The Lottery by Shirley Jackson and i hate it so much eugh (idk if youve ever read it but its a story about a town who does a lottery thing and whoever wins the lottery gets killed and all i can remember is the video we watched where they acted out the story and the lady who gets killed screams so loud and so much and i literally didnt sleep for like 3 days after i watched it for the first time back in 8th grade i hate this so much)
well I guessed there was a possibility that you'd have OCD too. because you're just that kinda person lol. I've guessed people's names and appearances before even knowing, and I can visualize book characters and stuff accurately. I can tell whether someone is a dog person or a cat person with like 98% guaranteed to be correct. (you're a both person.) I guess what people will reply with if I ask a question, and what their intentions are (and how much they've thought about it) when they say something. I don't always pay attention to my guesses though so I don't always give the smartest reply back and I'm only like "wait I knew that was the case" after it's too late.
with the cutlery thing, it's not like I'm scared of anything either, I don't think about it, it's just completely out of nowhere. I don't like using stuff that other people have touched. and with intrusive thoughts too, it's like I picked up trauma somewhere but I'm not even scared of half the stuff I think about lol, I've never encountered it but for some reason it repeatedly shows up in nightmares and stuff. I have like a billion other examples of things I do that other people prob don't do, but I can't be asked to list em all
not sure if it's a good or bad thing that I know this, probably bad. but at least I'm aware so I guess that's good. idk. but something I think is really funny is my favourite book for like 2 years was a book called Turtles All The Way Down by John Green and it was about a girl with OCD, written by an author with OCD. and I didn't even question it, I just thought I could relate to the main character so much because we had similar personalities or something LOL (it's a really good book btw though you should read it)
lol i'll see if i can find that book somewhere, that is kinda funny
oh also before i forget, my eyeliner today is more downturned (? i think thats the correct word?) instead of curving upwards and i like it Screenshot...61-png.jpg
oh and im wearing eyeliner today which is not something i do at all like ever so thats cool Screenshot...18-png.jpg
thats awesome, im glad youre feeling way better, and that sounds fun
thats awesome lol i still cannot draw anything for the life of me lmao
not improvement, it changes to something completely the opposite of what it used to be. im gonna show you some mushrooms and a tiny person i drew though
yea i like drawing people like that because i can say it has some deep meaning but in reality i just cant draw faces lmfao
I'm pretty good today, I haven't done much in terms of living but I've done a bunch of coding (I'm making a project that has polls related to the question "is it ND or is it just me?" (for example, "I dislike wearing socks" and then people vote on whether they can relate), I'm collecting ideas from people in neurodiversity related studios) it's very confusing and I keep messing up but it's been much more successful at working than any other attempt at complex code I've had lol
lol well good job with that, it sounds confusing, and that sounds interesting. lol i personally hate going WITHOUT socks, feet are weird and i would prefer to pretend i dont have them at all
I finished the project and it... it.. it wORKS, howl it WORKS aaack. I can see people's results and it's awesome-- except it has a bug where some of the polls have no votes and others have lots, idk why that is, but I've tried my best to fix it idk if it's fixed yet, poll 8 is refusing to cooperate
(the outside numbers are the number of votes and then the inside is the percentage and it shows it visually as well with the two different shades of turquoise) (you click on the buttons and once you've voted they go transparent so that you can't vote more than once) (there's 10 polls which you cycle through using arrow keys and you can vote on each one and they'll be updated to cloud variables)
hi, sorry for late reply i was getting my second covid vaccine and GUESS WHAT i get to go back to school next monday! that's like 4 dayssss
pff thanks. it does hurt lol. also i was drawing because obviously and do you like my drawing so far? (my phones timelimit ran out so i couldn't even finish the digital lineart but i'll just do it tomorrow) Screenshot...d4ae78.png
i finished my drawing and i really like it Screenshot...4703d1.png
(lol ikr, and I LOST can you believe that? nobody beats howl at arm wrestling) THANK YOUU, lol i plan on doing more, thankss
there are like a lot of people i talk to on this website through the occasional comment reply on popular posts and I like to consider us friends, yknow like we have never really said "you are my friend" to each other but like it seems like we are but idk bc my paranoid ass is-well paranoid so im not gonna ask or anything lol, but there are TWO of these people who i talk to who are using q u i t e a lot of hearts (like more than usual) in their replies lately, not sure if flirting or if im just picking up on signs that aren't there lol idk i think its hilarious how when i see a heart from someone who doesn't use hearts very often i immediately think "are they IN LOVE WITH ME?"
oh man im going to school tomorrow for the first time in 1.5 years. i dont want to go.i feel like im already gonna have another panic attack it hasn't been long enough since the last one. and i know for a fact i wont sleep tonight. if i could skip orchestra and if my ex best friend weren't there i would be a lot less nervous. i dont know what im supposed to bring i dont know where the classes are i dont know what time i have to show up to get through the covid screening line on time i dont know which gym we're meeting in for PE or where the band room is bc thats where we go for orchestra now apparently i dont know how lunch works now i dont know anything and i really just wanna stay home and do remote school until next year when nobody knows what they're doing so i wont feel alone in that way. i have literally like 20 hours i cant freaking change my mind now oh man oh man oh man
but if you can't do anything to prepare yourself, just do this bring your normal stuff that you'd take to school if you have sports bring your sports kit, also bring a mask or something in case you'll need it, turn up as early as you can so there's enough time to get through the screening line, follow someone else you think is in your class (or ask your teacher person in registration idk what you call it in America), go to the gym that other people in your class/year are going to and walk fast so you have time to get to another one if it's the wrong gym, just ask literally anyone where the band room is they should be able to tell you, when you're at lunch I'm pretty sure unless it's simple you'll get it explained to you by someone, if not and you're confused just ask someone. and after a while the day will be over and you'll be able to go home and idk do whatever you want tell how awful it was if you like but it will be fine whatever happens k?
it does sound scary when you think of it like this but I think once you have been to school it won't be so bad because you'll know what to expect next time. so that means even if everything goes wrong today at least it'll only be like that once and then after that everything will be easier
no i didn't have anybody bc all my 'friends' are idiots. at school i cried before school started bc i couldnt find the 8th grade classes and then i had a panic attack during lunch and then i was super self conscious during 3rd period and couldn't let go of my phone because i swear i would've died if my girlfriend hadn't been talking to me, and i was so nervous this morning i couldn't eat bc i might've thrown up and i was still that nervous at lunch so i couldnt eat and now i still feel sick so i can't eat and i miss my friend but she won't talk to me and my mom kept texting me in class and getting me in trouble the only good part of the day is i saw my best friend whos moving and i got to give her a big hug that was it
aw I'm really sorry, sorry I couldn't reply earlier, tbh school for me hasn't been going much better, well actually I feel really really bad right now but I'll be ok, you're doing really well though god you're one of the strongest people I've met howl (ik because I know exactly what it feels like) keep going and it WILL get better <33
its okay, its okay. I'm sorry, if you need to talk about it i'll shut up and listen lol. aw, thanks, i wouldnt say im one of the strongest. i used to think i was pretty strong bc i never hurt myself no matter what, i just thought about it, butttt i found a very sharp thing earlier in the drawer while waiting for my therapy appointment and i got bored, and, well you can guess what happened. i gave in and that doesn't feel very strong. and the worst part about it is now that ive done it, im not scared of it and thats scary. it did get better, school today was better than yesterday because i got to talk to one of my friends and i got to do PE, and PE was so fun i forgot how much i missed it
that's good, hopefully school will keep getting a bit better until it's not so bad anymore, and that's not so good, I'd try your best to avoid that because it's a really hard habit to get out of (believe me) if you ever want to again you should try and recognise what's happening and do something else (talk to me or something if you want), but yes howl you are very strong, you know why?, because all these things keep happening to you and that's it. they happen to you and then they're over and you carry on. other people don't have those things happen to them.
yeah. ik it's not, yeah i really hope i won't want to do it again and I'm definitely gonna try not to but i don't think ive ever gotten over any bad habit ive ever had. okay. aw. well, thanks for thinking that.
<3 anyways i have another song for you, Turn It Off from the Book Of Mormon musical. it is so. funny.
also this animatic is the most amazing thing ever: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-tza5YqAD4
my god, im watching sander sides animatics by someone called teardroppeddew and like they all have a super dark twist out of nowhere its kinda scary. i mean don't get me wrong i love it but like are they okay??
aw thats nice, i wouldn't expect people to still be commenting there because i've already been gone for so long. tell her no my mom made me delete roblox bc of the whole chat feature. can you ask her if she would be able to make an inkitt or a boredpanda account bc i miss her and want to talk to her
thaks, yeah i wouldn't expect that after, what, 8 months? that makes me happy. i kinda thought everybody would just forget about me.
do you ever just find yourself alone and its just really quiet and not too bright or dark in the room and its just really peaceful and you're playing really nice music that just makes you nostalgic even though you just found the song two days ago it just gives you nostalgia and its just that mixed with contentedness mixed with like longing for something unknown and the feeling is just so nice and sad at the same time and you just want to cry? because thats me right now. its the best freaking feeling i've had in a long time. i just want to sit here forever and listen to this music and not do anything forever for the rest of my life. i love it so much.
yesss, thats the first time i've been able to like describe it semi-well, its so hard to explain, but i love that feeling
dude my parents are so annoying. my dad yelled at me to stop being angry with my dog but im not angry im just loud because shes like half deaf and she can't HEAR me otherwise, and then my dogs start begging for food so my mom got mad at me because "they're obviously begging because their food must be empty why are you so irresponsible you obviously don't love your dogs why don't we find them new homes with a better owner blah blah blah" when NO THEIR FOOD IS FULL THEIR WATER IS FULL THEY JUST HAVE NO MANNERS ALL DOGS BEG DEAL WITH IT and then i wanted to take a break from my family so i go to my room and turn on my phone to text someone except WHOOPS I HAVE NO FRIENDS BECAUSE ALL MY FRIENDS HATE ME the only person i can message is my GIRLFRIEND but i cant message her because she can't message people over the weekend and i've already messaged her like 5 times in a row to tell her stories im already annoying and if you can tell im getting way too angry over the littlest things it sucks
and now im stressing myself out over a demonstration speech i have to do on tuesday that i've had a month to prepare for and probably should have been thinking about before but i pushed it off until the last second and ik thats my fault but literally no matter how hard i think i can't think of an idea of what to do, like i don't want to show people how to play piano or how to belt when singing because i dont want to stand out and i dont want to show how to make a sandwich or cookie dough because i dont want to be accused of copying or being basic even though like 8 other people did those things and i cant think of anything in between and i thought i finally got something but it needed peanut butter as part of it and PEANUT BUTTER ISN'T ALLOWED IN OUR SCHOOL BECAUSE OF PEANUT ALLERGIES and i am about to snap and break down and start sobbing and my parents are just laughing at me because they're telling me i should've been more prepared which they're right about and they're yelling at-
me because they say im too indecisive which is also true but i can't help that i get too anxious to make any decision ever and no one understands that they say "JUST DO SOMETHING" or "JUST THINK OF AN IDEA" and i want to but i physically can't and they're all yelling at me and getting mad and its stressing me out so much and im probably going to show up on tuesday unprepared for my speech with no sleep and no energy because i couldn't f ucking decide what to do my speech on, and then im going to get an F on it and its going to bring me down to a failing grade because this is the big end of the year thing we're doing and im going to fail this class and i know its not the end of the world but it sure as hell feels like it right now and i know im being way overdramatic but i am actually going to have a panic attack about this all day tomorrow and its going to suck so bad and idk what to do about it
hey it's ok, sorry I couldn't see this earlier it wasn't loading for some reason, uh I've definitely been there before where you have no idea what to do but it's important to you and you have to do something but you really don't know because everything you think of seems bad but to be honest it doesn't matter all that much ok just pick something you think you could demonstrate well it doesn't matter if it stands out or is the exact same as like 10 other people it's just a dumb school thing you'll get graded ok as long as you've actually chosen what you're gonna do so just choose and do something and like work out what you're gonna say or whatever and it'll all go ok <3
also i won't be active like at all after thursday because that's the turn in day for chromebooks at school and i won't have any way to get on bored panda, just letting you know that after thursday im not dead lol im just waiting for my parents to leave me home alone so i can get on
I woke up this morning with a very urgent thought and i can't get back to sleep lol, the thought was why can't we all live in a musical so everybody has an amazing voice and it'd be socially acceptable to burst into song to explain how you're feeling or whats happening. like i think that'd be so much fun lol
lol, dude somebody just put their beanie on me, so now im just wearing a beanie and idk what to do with it lol like i mean it doesn't look bad but kinda awkward bc like i dont wear hats usually and it makes me feel weird to actually wear one? IMG_202106...81c313.jpg
hey hey todays my last day until i go inactive for 3 months lol kinda sad
im really gonna miss you too, but sometime in september ill be back i promise
lol but it looks amazing even if you didn't take very long on it it looks like you spent a long time on it
dude sorry this is random but i was looking through my screenshots bc thats what i do when im bored and i found the BEST reply my girlfriend has probably ever made funny-6128...c1-png.jpg
we were doing a display board thing at school for pride month and despite my art teacher being an idiot and I don't like her, she decided to put my picture right in the middle so everyone can see hehe IMG-202107...04b839.jpg
mobile game you can get it on app store or whatever. basically it's a platformer and you're a cat and in each new world you can do different cool stuff as in like you get powers and I'm not describing this well lol but it's really cool I kinda want to code a similar thing except I'm lazy and it already exists
lol yw, so sorry my moms been home for the last couple days and i haven't been able to get on but hopefully ill be on more today this week as its the last week before school starts for me. also yesterday i got LED lights and i can pretend its christmas now when its not lol by putting up christmas colors 20210829_1...c88703.jpg
ooh nice, yeah my school starts next week on wednesday (9 days :/ why is summer so short)
okay lol but i always have something to say i just couldn't get on
lol there's a reason i didn't include the floor or my dresser in the picture
sorry this is random but my friend who moved across the country called me and apparently she didn't know why me and my other best friend don't talk anymore and she tried to pressure me into telling her why (which included me wanting to kill myself which i havent ever told her before so i refused to tell her) and then she was telling me "well you still have [another different friend]" and i only see that friend at my church's youth group and i am avoiding going to youth group bc my first friend won't be there and i'll cry and i told her that but then she asked me to go for her because the youth group leaders have told her they miss me and tried to get her to convince me to go and now i feel bad so i said okay i'll go on thursday but i reallyyyy dont want to bc i don't want anyone to see this depressed emotional mess that i am but i promised her and she said that she'd zoom into the activity to make sure im there so i HAVE to go now or she'll get mad at me and idkkkk
and i do kinda wish she knew that i want to kill myself a lot of the time so id have someone who actually checks on me and cares who i know irl but im too afraid she'll be like my other friend and tell her mom who will tell my mom which would be completely unnecessary as im already in therapy (which is also completely unnecessary imo) and i dont want that to happen so im conflicteddd
i talked with my friend for like an hour this morning like 2 minutes after i woke up and MULTIPLE times she was like "you sound like REALLY tired haha do you want to go back to sleep?" and i was like "nO I AM FINE LISTEN I AM AWAKE NOW" it was great
what do you mean you want it to be back to how it used to be?
what truth? you cant just be vague like thattttt you know i wont have any clue what you're talking about
um I'll try my best to explain (I'm really mentally unwell rn so sorry if any of this comes out weird also I'm warning you I am heckin gonna regret this) when you were talking about stuff in your chat studio on scratch, I noticed everyone who commented would put "as a friend" after "ily" and I thought "god what if I just don't do that? I don't have to do that, what if.. what if I actually didn't love you as a friend? I wonder how long I could get away with that" and I lasted quite a while but then I said no homo and then I realized how actually bad it felt. But I didn't want to think about it because of obvious reasons. So I kept it a secret but now I can't help caring about you so frickin much and it feels weird to talk to you and god this is stupid I'm so sorry can we pretend this never happened
ohh. oh man im sorry that it feels weird to talk to me, sorry im going to sound REALLY stupid right now and ask if theres any way you can explain it further im a little confused
whoops confession timeeeee, if i weren't dating atm i would 100% ask you out right now bc ive always had a crush on you i just didn't want to make anything weird
aw thank you, you're even cooler (sorry for the super late reply i went to visit my cousins)
dude i just got new jeans and honestly? they look like so good? like idk how i never look good in jeans??? im really happy about that lol
and also today i went to a freshmen orientation at my high school and the school is SO. FREAKIN. HUGE. like how am i ever going to find literally anything lol ik where the gym is thats pretty much it
lol lucky i wish i went to a small school, today was a NIGHTMARE trying to figure out where my classes were in 5 min passing periods
dude last night i went to the football game that was going on at our school right? i was kinda skeptical about going bc i know nothing about football, but i got there and two of my friends were there and we had the absolute BEST TIME EVER. like all my anxiety was just poof gone for like the 3 hours that i was there. we stayed from 7 pm to 10 pm and we drank soda and did things like the cha cha slide and the YMCA song and we chanted and talked to each other and at the end of the game when everyone was starting to get up and leave, me and my friend were hip dancing at the top of the bleachers it was SO. FUN. i want to do that every night it was the most fun ive had in yearsssss
it was but ofc my good mood was ruined bc i went to the doctor today. and thats never fun. my mom made me cry she says im rude when im NOT, when im actually being nice. she's the rude one. as soon as the doctor left the room, she sighed and sat in silence for like 10 seconds, and then went, "Why are you always like this? You're so RUDE, every time we come here. You need to stop, but it's not like you'll listen, you CAN'T CHANGE." and she basically just insulted me over and over and i was crying and she called me a baby and was talking about how she was so embarrassed to take me anywhere because of how rude i am even when im being nice and this is why i want to f*****g kill myself. and after she finished insulting me she let us sit in silence while i cried for the next like 15 mins and she had the F*****G AUDACITY to ask "are you okay?" like not even genuinely, she asked it sarcastically. she tells me i cant be suicidal but shes. the. f*****g. cause. i literally went through the -
I actually went through a similar thing yesterday, I didn't go to school and my mum yelled at me lots and criticized me all the way home in the car and then I ran away and sat in a field full of cows for a while and then talked to a dog walker and came to their house and awkwardly drank hot chocolate in their living room with them and then I went home and watched YouTube for the rest of the day
oh im sorry. that sounds like it sucks. cows are cool though. was the dog walker nice?
- knives we have in my head debating which one would be best if i were to cut myself. and ive never envisioned anything like that before but i legit thought about it for an hour before settling on one knife and i havent cut anything yet im gonna call my friend see if that calms me down but im scared she is just gonna leave like she always f*****g does
goddammit she wont pick up the phone ive called three f*****g times
isnt this just the BEST F*****G DAY OF MY LIFE my girlfriend broke up with me bc it's "not going anywhere" like no s**t sherlock we're all stuck at home theres a f*****g PANDEMIC going on my GOD
omg I'm so sorry I couldn't be here when you messaged me this, ohh man that sounds horrible oh man I hope you're ok and I'm really proud of you for enduring that, it will get better I swear. like you might not believe it rn but at some point something happy will happen again and it'll be worth it it'll be worth all the pain you feel rn - and if that doesn't happen I promise I will go out of my way to make sure something good does happen to you because you 100% deserve it
now in the midst of my mental breakdown i will ask you out because i am sInGlE aGaIn and its fine if you say no ik i sound absolutely f*****g insane rn i would be scared of me too
also this doesn't mean that I don't like your (ex) gf or anything as well, it probably seems kinda weird but like, she seems awesome (except for the fact she broke up with you like bro how could anybody want to break up with you especially for that darn reason) and basically up until this point I was just glad you were with someone you liked so yeah
alright what I'm gonna say now is, definitely absolutely heck yes. but I'm also gonna say this, this isn't gonna provide you any immediate distraction or happiness from your current situation. so I love you as much as the fricking world but you can't depend solely on me, or anyone else, to say the truth, I want to make sure you're ok first. and no, you do not sound one bit insane, right now you sound the most f*****g human I have ever heard anybody sound and I want to give you a hug so bad, also I'm not sure this is how relationships work they seem to gave an awful lot of rules and stuff but, if you do ever find you wanna get back with your girlfriend or anyone else don't be afraid to tell me because I really don't mind
im ok i promise. and relationships only have as many rules as the people in the relationship make. okay, same goes for you.
i would send you a picture of the full length mirror i just got but my room is disgusting and you can see it in the mirror and i dont have the energy to pick up at this exact moment lol ill send a pic later though i promise
dude this morning a football games on TV so i woke up like 5 mins ago bc my dog started barking and i was like "sHOOT MY DAD INVITED PEOPLE OVER" and so i get dressed as quickly as humanly possible and go downstairs and of course a guy from my grade is over like yea you wanna see my right in the morning its not as pretty as you think lolll
i was gonna send you a pic of my full length mirror this morning but my stupid phone is locked ofc the one day i was actually going to use it early lol i'll try to send one after school
I talked with a counsellor online because I felt desperate and scared and they didn't help one bit, every previous time I've talked to them it helped at least a little but this time it just made me feel worse, as soon as I finished stating all my problems they were like "well how about you go reflect on our chat today and come back and talk to us tomorrow" and I just ended up feeling really p#ssed, and I knew I had to go to school the next day (today) but I was scared that I wouldn't because I was not ok and it was 11PM and usually that feeling stays with me all through the night, and then my internet went off and everything got worse and I panicked a lot and refused to talk or put my phone away or let anyone touch me and eventually I went to sleep because I figured sleep is nearly like death except you wake up again but I was too exhausted to worry about what would happen in the morning
oh wow okay, im really sorry that sounds like it sucks. um, im not really sure what to say other than im really really sorry you went through that and i really hope you won't have to again that sounds horrible. im sorry about the counsellor, its the worst when it makes it worse.
I would have told you earlier but I didn't, I'm scared of being your girlfriend when I can't even tell you stuff like this, when I don't even know you irl and I probably never will, and what if one of us wasn't able to keep contact anymore what if something happens to you or what if I need you and you're not there because of timezones or internet connection or anything, anything could happen and I'm scared
the timezone/internet/contact issues are gonna be there no matter if you're my girlfriend or not, but i get what you're saying. if you're scared of being my girlfriend maybe rn is not the best time for that, you know?
idk.. I love you to bits no doubt and I want to be your girlfriend but I never actually thought I would be, I haven't really been able to comprehend what happened and you asked at an unexpected time so I wasn't really able to feel properly good about it if you see what I mean, I just sorta felt surprised instead
yeah i understand that, im sorry it was so unexpected
okay then. and i want you to know i love you to bits as well.
i mean i dont mind it but its not my favorite it i could live with it but i could also live without it
its rainingggggg for the first time in 3 months and i love ittttt
pff my brother was trying to get in my room but i was holding the door closed bc i didnt really want him to come in so i yelled through the door "WHAT DO YOU NEED" and he was like "fRiEnDsHiP" and i was like "WELL GO BUG SOMEONE ELSE I DONT NEED FRIENDSHIP" and he was like "YES YOU DO YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS" and i was like wow ouch lollll
today i have drama tryouts we're doing A Christmas Carol (like the one with scrooge and the three ghosts) and i really want to be scrooge lol but ofc im not gonna get him bc i look nothing like him but im so excited for it (then afterwards i get to watch a soccer game with my bsf and im excited for that too)
lol no its okay im just an oversharer you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to/don't have anything to, and if you want to tell me everything im cool with that too :)
dude drama tryouts were SO FUN. like we did improv games called "I am a tree" and "Zap" (zap was more high energy so i liked that one better) and then we did scenes and i made 3 new friends (two of them are fruity ones just straight) and then in the first scene I was a Gentlewoman trying to get scrooge to donate to a charity and i got to be passive aggressive and it was great and the second scene i was a guy named Fred and Fred's sister (2 roles) and we were playing a guessing game so I got to do that and I got to be very loud and obnoxious as Fred's sister and me and my partner got to laugh awkwardly at the parts where it said to laugh and they forgot to tell us that the time for practicing lines was over while we were practicing so me and him just watched phineas and ferb until we were finally like "i think they forgot us" and it was great cuz we walked out onto the stage in the middle of another groups performance and at the same time we were just like "yOu fOrGoT uS lOoK hOw -
- dEpReSsEd wE aRe bEcAuSe oF tHiS" and everyone laughed and i, by myself, made the group laugh at least 5 times during practice and i loved it it was so good also in spanish i won 5/8 rounds of the competition we did lol
xDD also yesterday the drama teacher was testing our improv skills because we were just chilling and all of a sudden he was like "BOOM YOU'RE IN GROUPS YOU'RE PERFORMING THE WHOLE PLOT OF CHRISTMAS CAROL IN 3 MINUTES GO" and everyone was like "wAIT WHAT" and it was great bc i got to do a breakup scene with young scrooge which i dont think that even happened in the actual story but it was fun, i was all like "yOu nEvEr cArEd aBoUt mE aLl yOu cArE aBoUt iS mOnEy aNd fAmE. wE'Re OvEr" and i got to storm off and it was hilarious bc the guy playing young scrooge was a senior and he was like a foot taller than me and he was trying so hard not to laugh and it was making me almost laugh i almost broke character can you believe it, but we didn't even get to finish bc we went over the timelimit but it was literally the funnest thing ever
oki. so i have a problem. i think i'm polyamorous (you know what that is right if you dont just tell me and i'll explain it or youd probably just figure it out from the rest of this message) I really don't like it and i don't WANT to be but i think i am, because see I love YOU to the ends of the earth and i always will but theres this person at my school who flusters me every time i talk to her and i just wanted to tell you bc i hate secrets BUT i want to know if you're okay with that because i know a lot of people don't like having a polyamorous partner
yep I'm ok with that. tbh I can sort of relate, although I don't think I am(?) idk I just feel like I have a crush on a lot of different people at the same time except I think most of them are just a crush and nothing more, love is confusing.. but yeah I'm ok with knowing that I still love you and stuff lol nothing would stop me from loving you [dunno whether that's a good thing or not], it's kinda weird but I could get used to it
its kinda late here but i really need to rant to someone or im going to kill myself. i have hit my f ucking LIMIT, i am going to SNAP and murder someone i just know it, first of all my other partner keeps making sexual comments and my mom won't let me see her bc of it and thats super depressing, second i broke my ankle today and i cant f ucking WALK so how am i going to go to school tomorrow because i don't have a CAST or CRUTCHES or anything, and my friend won't f ucking TALK TO ME because her new life all the way across the country is so much more interesting than little old depressed friend who is KIND OF counting on HER to keep in touch bc it seems that every time I call first shes always either busy or in the car so i can never talk to her, i've just been on my bed sobbing for like an hour having a panic attack and i feel like im going to throw up and i have a headache and a stomachache and i cant f ucking breathe and its not good i feel like im dying and i hate it so much and my-
brain keeps screaming at me that i've somehow f ucked up my whole life but it won't tell me how i did it or what's f ucked up and I can't eat because my head will scream at me that i'm already too heavy and make me vomit even though im losing weight at an extremely unhealthy rate because i havent eaten in 5 f ucking days and im always thirsty but every time i try to drink i start to feel sick and i hate it and my ex friendgroup keeps glaring at me and spreading rumors about me making my life living hell at school and the back of my mind is bugging me telling me that all my friends think im annoying whenever i rant to them because it sounds like im complaining so i just shut up and smile and act like im super happy when im actually the absolute opposite. and the worst part is, i know some people have it like a million times worse than me so i feel guilty for feeling bad and its really hard for me to talk about, like i need help but i can't bring myself to tell anyone except my online-
friends who can't really do anything about it bc they don't see me in person and i just wish someone i knew in person actually cared enough to realize the very rapid decline in my mood and energy and mental health but the truth is NO ONE ACTUALLY DOES CARE ENOUGH, like I am pretty sure I can tell when other people aren't feeling good and try to cheer them up and lots of people come to me when they need to rant but for once i want to be the one whos being helped or ranting because i really need it but i cant reach out for it and it sucks
ok look besides just comforting you and stuff is there anything at all I can do to help, like literally anything logan is it possible for me to get in touch with your parents or someone from your school or anyone, can I send a letter to your house or something idk man is there anything at all that I could do because I'll do it, I can video call you if you really need, I'd find some way to get myself to
idek man if you get in touch with my parents they'll be mad i still talk to my online friends even when im not supposed to, same with the letter they'll read it and get mad, both of those will make everything worse, no one at my school cares enough, for the video call i mean ik you said video calls make you uncomfortable i dont want you to be uncomfortable
is there a way I could explain things (or you could explain things) without them getting mad at you? I think they'd understand better if they knew more about your situation and then maybe they wouldn't be as mad at you because they wouldn't misinterpret as much (and this sounds stupid but from what you've said it sounds like they are trying to help you. they just don't know how so it's hurting you even more.)
no, both my parents don't trust anyone and if they knew i talked to you they would be so mad. (maybe)
i had to go home early from school today because my ankle hurts so bad and the crutches i have are too big bc they're my dads so they hurt my arms really bad i already cried twice its not good
3 things. 1) my mom thinks the only reason im "acting" depressed is because im trying to imitate my friend which?? thats the stupidest thing ive ever heard?? so she's restricting how much we're allowed to talk and how much we're allowed to see each other which won't work at all. 2) a year or two ago i told her my nose hurt and then all of a sudden she thinks its some big deal and that i said that every time anything touches my nose it hurts like hell and im going to a nose doctor and she was screaming at me last night about how if i tell them nothings wrong with my nose she's going to be pissed and shes going to take away my phone so like what am i supposed to do? lie? to the doctor? that doesn't seem like a good idea but ok. and 3) she keeps misgendering me, it was so intense that i came out to her last night she was like "ACT LIKE A YOUNG LADY" and i was like "i'm not a lady" and she was like "WE'RE GETTING YOU A DRESS FOR HOMECOMING STOP BEING A BABY YOU'RE A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL" and -
- i was like "HE, THEY, ANYTHING BUT GIRL PLEASE" and she was like "FINE WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR HOMECOMING?" then i told her and she muttered under her breath "everyones gonna think its weird when they see a girl wearing that" and i want to fckin DIE like im not even scared anymore but im not going to bc if i kill myself whos gonna tell my online friends? thats the scariest part at this point
dude hey how are you? how have you been doing? what have you been doing?
hey, I'm ok well not really but imma say I'm ok anyway because that sounds much nicer, uhhh I've been doing great thanks my mum keeps taking the internet from me I haven't gone to school in at least 3 weeks and I'm half insane but I've been watching lots of Doctor Who and that's entertaining ish
wait no whats wrong why aren't you ok? im sorry that sounds not good at alllll
it feels like I'm floating, I'm just always freaking floating with nothing to cling on to, no point in living no stability no instructions, I can try and be happy all I want but I can't get there, I can't be happy because I'm stuck here in this situation and it won't stop no matter what I do it just drifts on to another form of floating, just hanging there waiting for life to get better while everything gets worse, I've ran away from so many things in life I'm scared I'll run out of things to run away from and I'll just be left with nothing, I'll be nothing, I'll just exist
oh man im sorry that sounds like it sucks. i dont really know how to help.... do you have a therapist? if not that might help to just say all of that. im sorry i feel so bad but i really don know how to help with this
oh well maybe you could try getting a different one? i have a therapist who sucks too so i understand. im really sorryyyy
I'm scared I'm really scared everything keeps getting worse and I can't get away from it and I can't be happy and nobody understands me and I miss you I know you're still there but I miss how it used to be I miss being able to have huge long conversations with you and roleplaying and doing dumb stuff and not caring, I don't know what to say anymore I never know what to tell you I don't know if you're ok or if I'm gonna be ok I don't know if I deserve to be in a relationship I don't know what the difference even is between this and just being friends I don't know how to get help or how to help myself I've tried so much and I just want to give up I just want it all to restart and I can live a better life but I can't I wake up every morning and I can't go back to sleep and I cry and I can't stop crying and I can't stop doing stupid things that will mess my life up even more and I just honestly don't believe I am able to live a proper life heck I can't even get dressed
oh my god, im sorry. im so so so sorry you're feeling like this. We can still have huge long conversations if you want to, I thought we still were. I promise I'm ok you dont have to worry about me, I believe that you're gonna be okay too if you keep pushing. You definitely deserve to be in a relationship, you deserve everything good in the frickin world and don't even argue because it's true and you can't change my mind. I understand wanting to restart but that's not possible and it f ucking sucks, i know, but don't give up, okay? Because if you give up, that's it. Thats the end and you'll never get to know what you could've experienced, or what could have gotten better, or what will come into your life to fix things and help you to be happy again. It's alright to cry, cry as much as you want, it won't fix things, true, but it won't make anything worse either and sometimes crying is all you feel like doing and that's okay. Everyone does stupid things and everyone feels like they're -
- just constantly f ucking up their life at one point or another but I promise what seems like a big deal now will shrink in importance as you get older. I'm not going to say everything happens for a reason, because that's not true, but it won't matter someday. And i'm not sure how to help because you live all the way across the world and I wish I could just give you a hug and talk to you and show you how much I love you and how much you matter but I can't because we're way too far apart, so all I can do is message you about it. I just want you to know I love you so so so so much and I'm sure there are so many other people who do as well. And you matter so so so much, I would throw everything away to save you if I had to. And I want you to believe that. You don't have to be happy right now but you shouldn't give up either, ok?
I'm not in school I literally don't have an education and that means I won't be able to get my GCSEs which means I can't get further qualifications and I can't get employed and I might seem hard working or good at art or whatever but I don't know anything on a professional level and I'm not being taught it so idk how I'm gonna live. In a year or two I have to get a part time job to earn money and I don't feel capable of that because I'm inconsistent and don't like talking to people or handling food or whatever, I can't even do volunteering so I can't get my Duke of Edinburgh award even though I did the 2 day 16 mile expedition, I can't socialize without being completely burnt out and severely affected by it so I can't make friends, I can't even cook myself food because I don't trust my attention span and one time I set the smoke alarm off, I might present myself as an average 14 year old girl but I'm so f-cking incapable I mean look at me in a relationship with a person I've never met
I believe in you, you're so smart. Remember when you were helping me with my math? You understood it better than I did. You can do it if you try. I am really sorry you are having such a rough time, I wish I could make it better so bad. And wow, ouch. I understand what you mean but if you feel that way about our relationship, you just have to say so. I'm not forcing you to stay with me.
because you're someone who lives on the literal other side of the world and I've never met you and I might never meet you or at least not for a long time and I can only talk to you and nothing more than that and nobody knows that you exist other than me and like two other people, and you're idek what you are but you look like a girl but you're obviously not a girl and ngl that is pretty weird to get my head around even though I've known you for like ages and I like you as a guy but I also like you as a girl and I don't think I'm supposed to like you in the first place because I'm not a relationships type of person really and I would have thought I'd like someone more.. real than you, yet I do like you
Well then maybe its best for us to not be in a relationship atm. I feel like im just causing you stress and you already are going through a really hard time so maybe its not the best idea rn.
well i almost killed myself last night so not great? but its fine. hby?
happy late halloween lol what did you do for halloween?
not much, i talked on the phone with my friend for like 4 hours but that was about it. i didn't go trick or treating bc when i was 10 i got screamed at for being too old to go trick or treating and now im nearly 15 and every time i try to go trick or treating i just get like paralyzed with fear i'll get judged lmao so nothing much
lol okay, nah my halloween was fine im just disappointed no one got to see my costume
uh not a lot, but one of my friends released a game on halloween that he's been working on for a long time so I played that and became kinda obsessed with it lol (which brings back nostalgia from last year when a different person released a game on halloween and I also played it over and over), and I didn't go trick-or-treating (never have really, being an only child) but I put out decorations and sweets for other people to take so yeah. and the few days before halloween I went on holiday by the sea with my grandparents and annoying 10-year-old cousin and we visited places which did halloween-themed stuff which was cool. I love being by the sea
oop i had the opposite problem, i kept falling asleep on the phone with my friend and she kept having to wake me up lmao
ive already cried twice and had a panic attack and wanted to off myself three times today and its only 10 am this is gonna be a good day
my gf was sad today and wouldn't tell me why so it made me sad and she legit wouldn't talk to me so i cried bc i wanted to make sure she was okay but she wouldn't talk to me and i got called a b!tch twice in PE for no reason so i cried and people started making fun of me and my bsf for being bad at badminton so i started crying and because my gf was in a bad mood, she yelled at me and she never yells at me so i got scared then she stormed off and i cried and had a panic attack bc i was absolutely sure that was the end of our relationship (which it wasn't) and then in 4th period i cried bc i forgot to bring my book for my book report but my teacher said it was fine i could just do it tomorrow and at lunch i cried bc my gf yelled at me again and i was overwhelmed bc we were sitting inside bc it was raining outside and it was very loud and overwhelming and so i just sat and ignored her for the rest of lunch but she started to feel bad so she sat on the floor with me and gave me a hug -
which was nice then in 5th period i cried bc i had a presentation which i forgot to study for but my teacher said i could do it tomorrow (all my teachers are so nice im just now realizing this) and then after school at drama i had another panic attack bc my gf's ex said something to her that made HER have a panic attack and start crying so i also had a panic attack and started crying and she never told me what and then i cried literally on stage in front of everyone bc i forgot my line and i was so embarrassed that i forgot ONE FREAKING LINE which is kind of stupid and so i went and sat with my gf and she gave me a hug.
if you can tell ive just been an emotional wreck the whole day, crying about things that don't even matter.
AND THE BEST PART IS I NEVER CRY OR SHOW EMOTION IN FRONT OF PEOPLE SO NONE OF THESE PEOPLE HAD SEEN ME SHOW ANY EMOTION EXCEPT ENERGY ZOOM ZOOM TALK A LOT AND RUN AROUND BEING HAPPY. IF YOU CAN IMAGINE PEOPLE WERE VERY WORRIED AND WANTED TO GIVE ME HUGS WHEN I WAS OVERWHELMED AND DID NOT WANT TO BE TOUCHED
ah i forgot the best part: the start of it all. my brother took 20 minutes to find his f ucking coat this morning so i got to school at 7:39 when class starts at 7:40 and i did not get to meet up with my friends this morning and i was stressed out and i cried in the car
and now me and my gf had a conversation about stuff that im not gonna share and i told her it wouldn't change how i think about her or how much i care about her or how much i love her and she just responded with "do you really love me or do you love the person i make you think i am" and i just broke down SOBBING because i really dont know and i swear im just gonna off myself soon enough because i feel like im just not ready to live. idk why i was born. its obvious im not capable enough to make it to my adult years. I tried to commit suicide at 9 f ucking years old how do people think that im going to survive until 18?? im just too sensitive and too paranoid and too anxious and too easily overwhelmed and i just.... idek... change. i can go from super quiet, antisocial, please don't touch me i will scream at you and then cry, to just super hyper literally jumping off the walls always talking always joking always laughing and giving hugs and holding hands at the snap of a finger. I don't.
understand it. and im not going to be able to idk whats wrong with me or how to fix it and i dont want to talk to people about it bc i keep getting tiktoks about people with similar issues to me getting put in f ucking MENTAL HOSPITALS and thats terrifying i dont want that to happen, which it probably wouldn't this is probably just me being paranoid which proves one of my earlier points. i just want to fall asleep while cuddling my gf and then never wake up. at least then i could feel some form of peacefulness or happiness as i cease to exist. but OH I FORGOT i can't bc my gf is putting on a fake persona to make me like her so that just encourages my paranoia about stuff like people not loving me and just pretending and now i feel like when i see her tomorrow im going to be weird about it and i dont WANT to be weird about it. she says she's going to be either really distant or really touchy tomorrow and im not sure which i'd prefer. bc im not sure i want to be touched rn bc i am very -
overwhelmed and trying to process all of these emotions just EXISTING inside me and i dont think a hug would help like it usually does, but i also dont want her to be distant bc when she's distant it makes me very worried about her bc shes almost never distant and idek what to do anymore i just might off myself. not like anyone would be sad about it.
one thing I've learned from being friends with you Howl, you are absolutely capable. you are intelligent and funny and sweet and kind and you've kept going. You've come all this way and it's heckin been worth it. because I'm here and you're here and we're gonna get through it
but i'm NOT, that's the problem. I USED to be intelligent and funny and kind but im not anymore im changing and its absolutely terrifying bc i don't want to. I'm scared to grow up and mature and lose friends and have to do things by myself, but at the same time I hate being a kid bc i have to go to school and get bullied all day and have friend drama (my mom said that i am going through more drama rn then she has in her whole life) that i dont want to deal with and idk what to do about it so i just cry
that's not really how it works logan. you don't really grow up, you just get older and find yourself able to do more things with your life. you're always gonna be intelligent and funny and kind even if you're not able to show it because that's part of who you are - and the same person you've always been since you were a kid. I barely talk to people anymore irl but does that mean I'm no longer talkative? nopee I have a heckin lot to say I just don't know how to say it.
there's nothing at all wrong with you you're just in a situation which is making you feel like this. I suspect something's not right and you need to change how you're living to something that better suits you. tbh this is the same as what happened to me except I would not tolerate stuff to the point that I started crying, I would just get really scared about everything and not go to school in the first place, and I've been off school for quite a long time now and I can't say it's better or happier but there's a lot less stress so I have the opportunity to take a step back and work on my feelings now. I think I am gonna figure it out myself in time. I just need to learn more about myself first. Maybe that's similar for you?
im scared about everything too. ive been skipping classes and getting marked absent and not doing my work and my grades have been dropping so my parents scream at me about it which stresses me out more and makes me cry. im scared about being at school, im scared about being at home, im scared about being at OTHER PEOPLES homes, idk. I can't do anything anymore, i can't work, i can't keep relationships going without some sort of drama, i can't sleep, i can't eat, i can't enjoy the things i used to enjoy and im scared of that too. I can't think of anything in particular that i could just NOT DO and then it would make things better because im scared of EVERYTHING
I'm still figuring things out but I think either I'd do better with a different form of education with less stress/smaller group of people/less expectations and deadlines or I'd need to work on my confidence before I start going back to school again so then I am able to cope with the stress of it all and still manage to enjoy it (like I used to before any of this happened). Right now I am vulnerable which is probably why everything feels so hard. I also think maybe it might be the people I spend time with at school which are making things difficult for me, I was really reluctant to the idea of moving school to start with but maybe if I moved school I might find better people who I would fit in better with. I love the people at my school but I can't seem to be able to be properly friends with anyone to the point I could consider them a friend and that's not cuz I'm lazy I think it's just cuz I don't fit in as well as I might do if I found some different people.
that sounds like a good idea. im glad you're figuring this stuff out kinda and realizing what would be better for you.
sorry that rant was a bit much i think im alr now bc its the weekend. school just stresses me out sometimes.
I think.. I miss the old you. You've kept throwing so much stuff at me and I've been like "I love you no matter what howl", somehow. but I miss the old you so bad. I hate caring about you to the point where you scare me because how could life let somebody as f*****g beautiful as you want to die, it hurts me a lot and so I want to ignore you I want to run away and never look back I mean you don't even understand where I'm coming from there is no reason for me to like you so much but I can't not think about you. You've changed and I don't like you but I still love you and that makes me very scared
im sorry i really don't know how to respond to that?
im sorry i scare you? i really wish i didn't, is there any way i could fix that? i understand though i am changing into a much less likable person than i was before and if you need a break from me then i am happy to give you that, whatever you need.
y'know what, earlier today I was really really tempted to say goodbye and delete my accout and never check boredpanda again, because idk, it just felt right, maybe I thought the pain would make me feel more real, or I'd have happy memories of you or something and it'd make my life better. but f**k that, you're beautiful, and you still give off the same vibes you did when I first met you
oh. well im glad you didnt say goodbye and leave because i would've missed you so frickin bad. Just because im different than when I first met you doesn't mean I love having you as a friend any less.
omg i dooo, wow that was so long ago that i made that project lol
kinda cheesy now that im looking at it but remembering it makes me happy
lol my gf got a runny nose and sore throat and a cough and she passed it to me, everythings sore and my head hurts so bad rn (its not covid i promise she got a test)
youll probably never see this lol, but in case you do i love you and care about you a lot and i hope youre having a good day and have more good days and youre awesome and you have awesome music taste and are awesome at art and youre just cool and idk im just saying the same things over and over again but that must be bc youre just that cool and idk what else to say bc im too distracted by how cool beans you are B)
also im immature so i thought that a picture of me at this angle was frickin hilarious so here you go you can see how broken my humor is Screenshot...e2-png.jpg
do you need to talk about it? or do you need anything in general?
yeah but i can still try. is there anything you need?
ok wow boredpanda made me make a whole new acc bc my school emails name got changed my god im a little pissed about that i was in the top 1% and had 184 followers lmfao
aw im sorry, im a big mess of emotions but its so confusing im not feeling necessarily bad. i really wish i could give you a hug irl rn
i tucked my hair in and my god i kind of look like thomas sanders Screenshot...f9-png.jpg
pretty good, I fixed my sleep schedule and nearly messed it up again my staying up till 5, but I woke up at 10am so everything's fine,, I also got a wardrobe and stuff and my room looks sO much nicer, it looks like an actual bedroom now lol (it used to be very cluttered) and I'm forbidden to sit in the wardrobe which makes me VERY mad but I'm sitting in it rn anyway because it's just too good
also i found a song that i really really like and you might like too, its called Numb Little Bug by Em Beihold (idk if youve heard it before or not but eh)
sorry for all the messages lol, but someone gave me their rubiks cube so i ofc made a d/ck cuz im just mature like that (ill add a pic of the pattern im talking abt) and i gave it back to them, said "i made you a d/ck" and they went "wow. thanks. i really appreciate that." and i just did finger guns because obviously. id be honored if someone gave me a rubiks cube like that. Screenshot...4a4058.png
my friend gave me a cool swag hat and a sticker that says "junior officer" for a police office so im a cool junior officer and newspaper boy from the 80s or whatever at the same time :thumbsup: Screenshot...ad-png.jpg
not very well (im working on getting better) but yesyes i can bc im smart B)
whoaaa thats amazing, my record is like- 15 minutes lmfao (i told you im not very goof but i can solve it eventually)
ALSO HELLO I GOT A JOB I MAKE MONEY FROM WORKING AT A PIZZA TRUCK NOW
ALSO SONG RECS FROM MY NEW FAVORITE ARTIST IF YOU WANT THEM - High Definition by Waterparks. Telephone by Waterparks. Gloom Boys by Waterparks. 21 Questions by Waterparks. (if you can tell, i really like Waterparks lately)
also i just burst out laughing in the middle of class why is this so hilarious to me unnamed-18...0849ea.jpg
YES, including tips its an estimated 25-35 dollars an hour with 8 hour days dude THATS LIKE A LOT (LIKE 240 BUCKS A DAY WOW)
it IS terrifying and complicated and im already confused and scared but its great
magic B) (im not supposed to be able to get a job until im 16, but my aunt and uncle run the pizza truck and pulled some strings)
thats awesome, im glad youre doing good. and i would do the same thing with the wardrobe.
meh, i dont mind it but i dont necessarily like it, at least not that hairstyle
i wish i could give you a real hug but i cant so a virtual one will have to do *a really good hug*
and the song House of Memories by Panic! At The Disco is amazing, i think youd might like it but idrk
yeah I agree it can be pretty dramatic at times, I've been in the sea a lot though and on paddle boards or kayaks and boats so I've gotten used to it ig. My favourite thing to do is to just stand (or sit on a rock or something) ankle deep in the water for ages and do nothing, it's relaxing lol
lol exactly. yeah i love both just together isn't as good
people scare me too don't worry, well i would never hate you no matter what you say/feel/etc.
I really really missed you when you were gone and now that you're back it's weird to talk to you again because you're the best person ever but at the same time I don't seem to feel as excited to say anything to you I usually just tell other people instead but I want to talk to you but it's weird
on scratch Hawkfeather/Onyx says "also if you can tell her that I am so sorry for not responding to him. I decided to stop using DA because I was getting more and more depressed by the day and thought it would help. ty.", and scarlet-stars says "tell them that i miss them so, so so so so so so so so so much!! <33"
tell hawkfeather its completely fine i understand, tell scarlet i miss them so so so so so so so so so so so much too
the third reply of the third comment down on the video. made me feel something similar to that feeling you described when you want to cry and you're just content and want to stay there feeling that forever and it feels so happy and kind-of nostalgic even though you've just found it, well it feels similar intensity to that except it's not that feeling it's everything I feel everything and I can't stop re-watching it and wanting to cry.. kinda weird reaction to just some animation meme but that's how it makes me feel ig
okay, i kinda expected her not to be able to, it's okay
(lol i arm wrestled somebody so it hurts way more than it should) thank youuuu lolll
