Grandma Wants To Finally Start Living For Herself, So She ‘Retires’ From Taking Care Of Her Grandkids, Upsets Her Daughter
Family members should love and support one another, but there should always be boundaries. Unfortunately, enacting them can be emotionally exhausting and make you feel guilty. Cuz it’s your family, y’know—your family! How can you not do everything to make their life easier?
One very young grandmother had a dilemma that she decided to run by the AITA community to get their opinion on whether or not she was doing the right thing. She raised her own children, then she helped raise her daughter’s son, and now she’s decided to ‘retire’ from taking care of the grandkids full time and move elsewhere. Her daughter, however, didn’t like that idea.
Have a read through the full story below, dear Pandas. It’s an interesting one and I’m very curious to hear how you’d solve this sticky social situation.
A very young grandmother raised not only her own children but also one of her daughter’s kids. Now, she wants to ‘retire’ from grandparenting full time
Image credits: tamadhanaval (not the actual photo)
The core of the dilemma is simple enough: the grandma, redditor EconomyCharge6507, thinks that she’s already done more than her fair share to help the family. She’s already gone above and beyond the call of duty and we salute her.
Meanwhile, her daughter has a slightly different understanding of how families support one another and believes that you can ask for unconditional help, forever.
The redditors of the AITA community overwhelmingly supported the grandma’s right to move away and start living for her and her husband. This doesn’t mean that they don’t love their children or grandchildren. The dynamic’s just going to be different.
Yes, they’ll be spending less time together, but you could argue that this time will actually be higher quality because they’ll have time to miss one another, instead of constantly living within a routine.
While everyone’s free to do what they wish with their lives, there are certain cultural pressures to take into account as well. Certain cultures encourage very tight-knit communities and living near your grandparents and other family members or visiting them very often isn’t all that uncommon.
If you’ve ever traveled to Southern or Eastern Europe or Russia, then you’ll know the importance placed on local communities. Though, to be fair, as the world continues to modernize, traditional approaches to family life are changing, too.
During an earlier interview, counselor Katie Rose, who is a member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, told me parents tend to feel the need to be perfect. However, that means trying and failing to meet “unreasonably high expectations” that we set for ourselves. Instead of aiming for the impossible, we need to give our children space to grow.
“In order for our children to learn and grow, they need to understand that we’re not perfect—in fact, that perfection doesn’t even exist. Instead, by failing them in small, manageable ways, we help them learn to tolerate the small frustrations that they will inevitably face in their everyday lives in the future, helping them grow into successful adults,” Katie told Bored Panda.
Here’s what some redditors said after reading through the grandma’s story
One of them was curious to find out how much the grandma’s own parent were involved in the raising process
Most redditors agreed that the original poster’s daughter needs to learn how to raise kids on her own
222Kviews
Share on FacebookThe daughter should probably stop having kids if she can't take care of them without her mom...
One of the commenters read my mind: was the daughter having a third child because she relied on someone else to care for them? The grandparents have done a good job of raising the oldest child. I wonder how well the two younger ones will turn out with an immature mother raising them. The father sounds pretty entitled, too.
A teen mom requiring help is one thing. A 30-something whose husband is in the picture, has a good job, and she can afford to be a stay-home mom.... is another. The daughter, IMHO, should be glad her parents did that much for her and her first child.
Load More Replies...This sounds like my sister. She drops her 3yo at my mom’s house whenever she feels like it, to go out for her own appointments & stuff. Without notice in advance. My mom is already swarmed with office work, elder care (my grandpop before he passed), & church accounting. (My mom is a superman who is unfortunately greatly taken advantage by everyone). While my sister herself comes in late to work - she works for my parents - whenever she wants & still expects favor from her parents like it is her given right. It reached a point where she get mad at my mom & said some hurtful things to my mom like “other granparents do more with taking care of their grandkids. Why aren’t you helping me?”.
Your sister is doing the next-generation version of "Why can't you be more like so-and-so's kid?" That's gaslighting.
Load More Replies...It is great for children to have grandparents, and it is great for grandparents to have grandchildren. It is nice if parents can rely on their own parents, and it is nice if parents know their children will call them when in need. But the grandparents' contribution should be no obligation – not from either side. The parents decide how much the grandparents can visit, and the grandparents decide if they visit! And the grandchildren just enjoy!
I’m a grandmother to 6 grandchildren, all to single (one whose husband has pushed child rearing all on her) daughters. None of their fathers are in the picture. I know they need help, but I reserve the right to say no for my own sanity. I help when I am able, but when I can’t, they accept that. I raised my own alone and think I help as much as I can. But I’m useless if it’s forced on me.
I believe you should stick to your plans and not feel any type of guilt. You and your husband deserve to be put first. You deserve to do exactly what you want to do when you want to do it. She has a husband with a good job and if she needs extra help she can hire a nanny 😀, just my opinion!
Where are the smaller children's other grandparents? I can maybe understand if they are not on the scene and daughter needs someone to look after the two year old while she's in labour (not an unreasonable ask - it's a small amount of babysitting and, yes, that IS the role of a grandparent, along with staying up past bedtime and having two lollypops), but other than that she's chosen to be a SAHM. Which means she is staying at home to raise her children. Any additional help she needs should be amazingly limited to exceptional circumstances (like her being in hospital and needing someone to watch the other child). NTA. Move house and enjoy your time.
Not an unreasonable ask, if they live in the same city as you. Should they stay there just for those more necessary scenarios? I can see why the daughter is scared of having a toddler and a newborn and suddenly losing the help and support that she thought she'd always have. But I think it's fair for the grandparents to move away & enjoy their retirement. Hopefully there is somebody else in the daughter's life who can help when she is in labour or otherwise in need of help.
Load More Replies...Course she's pregnant again, and why not? Have all the fun without the chore of raising a kid. Theres a big parenting tip that lies within the old saying, "you've made your bed, so now lie in it."
As someone who's pregnant right now and despising every second of it, being pregnant is reason enough not to be pregnant again! I kid... you're absolutely right. She should have been thinking of grandma helping out as a bonus that might happen occasionally instead of counting on it. If she doesn't think she can have a kid without relying on grandma, then she and her husband shouldn't be having another.
Load More Replies...When my second son was 1 year old, I had the opportunity to take a well-paid, full-time job. Before I even considered applying for the job, I asked my mom, if it was OK for her to take the boys, when I was working. I regularly gave her money for her extra expenses, like for food etc ... which she gladly accepted (we come from a rather humble background). I've never seen, (or used) my mom as an unpaid babysitter, that I could access whenever.
well i can think its kinda hard to tell your children to go and take care of their children themselves. but its the right thing to do, you had your share on raising the first grandchild and how can they be so selfcentered to tell you to not move and enjoy your retirement. tell them to go be adults and take care of their kids themselves. its not grandma and pa job to help them have "easy" life by full time babysit the kids.
The parents should perhaps have set limits from the beginning? The daughter is used to it and of course did not expect it to ever end, which is immature and selfish, imho. Move away, enjoy your life, she will get over it. You have done more than enough. And no, it's NOT my parents' job to raise MY children.
Your daughter needs to learn to stand on her own two feet! She's a grown woman who should be able to handle raising her children. Do what you want to do and don't feel guilted or shamed into what she wants.
After your 18 it's a gift and not a right that your parents help you. At that point they have done thier time and deserve to have lives of their own. Im very close with both my parents and aways respected their need for their own life when I was done being raised.
Sure, that is what grandmothers do - IF and WHEN they choose to. The OP had never promised her daughter to take care of all of the daughter’s children forever and ever.
Why do people keep asking strangers to reinforce their belief in not being the asshole? I mean, likely they aren't - but each and every story of that kind is one-sided at best, we don't know the entire situation - unless someone truly is beyond and below their mind, demanding stuff like essential oils to be chosen over actual evidence-based medicine. Most times, even NTA are TA for asking. Of course, Grandma can retire, but what might possibly be relevant and unknown to the audience? Maybe, that knowledge would be a true gamechanger now and then...
In this situation I can see the daughter doing so much guilt tripping and gaslighting that she just wants some validation for a situation she's conflicted about. Many of these AITA articles are absurd but this one I get.
Load More Replies...The mistake was made early on in the daughters life and she was too enabled. It’s not the grandmas fault. It’s simply… lessons delayed in life.
Your daughter is a selfish beyatch and entitled as well. If she does not want to or cannot care for her children then she should quit making them. Go ahead and live your lives, your daughter is living hers. It is time she grow the hell up and start being responsible for the decisions she makes. What a selfish, entitled monster.
My mum made it abundantly clear as I was growing up that she wouldn't be caring for any children I might have while I went to work. She drilled that in to both my sister and myself. Luckily we both never wanted kids anyway.
i'm 35 and have zero kids, couldn't imagine having grandkids at my age, but damn, rest up and enjoy, your daughter will have to raise her kids herself
I'm a grandma of 5 and couldn't imagine, (although would if it was needed), taking on one of my grandchildren basically full time. I believe it changes the dynamic of the relationship of grandchild and grandparent. It becomes a job, and resentment can build. The grandmother helped at a time in her daughters life when that help was needed. Now it's time for the daughter to grow up and think about the welfare of her mom and dad and their needs.
Or they badly need help, why not hire a nanny? They’re capable anyway. Do enjoy your life while you can OP.
Please retire and live your lives. You've already raised a grandson and your daughter, who elected to be a stay at home mom, is using emotional blackmail. Move far away!
The grandparents ( OP and hubby) should enjoy their life in what ever place they want. They have worked hard for so many years it is time to relax, socialize with people in their own age group if they want , instead of reading Green Eggs and Ham every night. Hope you have a long and happy life where ever you decide to move to. 😎🌵🏌️♂️🏄♀️🏊🚴🌴❤️
Not the a-hole at all. My autistic daughter had a child at 19, and we've been helping her raise him ever since. It's like having another child. She hadn't even figured herself out yet , let alone figured out being an adult. It has been a long difficult road, but she's getting there. We will never be empty nesters and that is difficult sometimes.
Sorry to say this but maybe you should have put you should have put your foot down before. In other words you raised two children (your kid and her kid). Maybe be you should have ingrained a little responsibility in your kid to raise her kid. What is the famous saying "JUST SAY NO" to your kid. Amen!
This, people, is why many women should never have kids. Why do they plan motherhood based on other people's free time? And just say NO when someone wants you to be a free babysitter... they should have planned better their lives before having kids.
A perfect example of people who should not be having children at all. I hate to say but you taught her to be this way by raising the first child for her. I understand that she was very young, but it doesn’t seem to me like she took any responsibility for her actions. Naturally, now she thinks she owns you as her full time, free babysitters. She is nothing more than a spoiled brat. I won’t be surprised if she never lets you see the kids if you do move away. Your decision is very simple. Go live your life and let them take care of their responsibilities. It doesn’t seem like your daughter appreciates you even if you raise ten of her kids.
Well the grandparents have the right to live their own lives the way they want. Most likely the daughter got used to have someone take care of her child instead of her. She is probably afraid to deal with her life choices on her own. I am not defending her, just trying to understand. Best course of action is to just move the way grandparents want to and the daughter will adjust to the change and learn to take care of herself.
i mean grandma did a good job taking care of her daughters kid. im actually glad the mom actually quit working so she can take care of her 2nd kid
You give birth. You take care of it. End of the conversation. If you don't want to take care of a child, don't have one. Abortion is an option. Otherwise do your job and be a parent. Getting help from family and friends is great but they are not responsible for raising your child. They have their own lives.
Sounds like this lady has a very irresponsible daughter. She's nta. Her daughter is.
Was the OP consulted before her daughter conceived this fetus? Or the child before them? If not, then her daughter made a rather broad assumption.
Not so selfish as hinted at. We left our kids just as they were producing grandchildren for us. I really really feel I've missed out severely only seeing my grandchildren rarely. I also missed out knowing my grandparents well because my parents moved across the continent. So Sad.
Stop projecting. There is no reason to think these grandparents won't still be frequent visitors.
Load More Replies...Assume the consequences: You did not educated your daughter and everything in life has consequences.
Or perhaps she never raised her that way. She just ended up being like that. Sometimes kids have personalities they didn't get from their parents.
Load More Replies...Oh, rely on your parents from unlimited free babysitting, do you? Seriously, you're the first person to criticize the OP grandma, everyone else things she's totally within her rights.
Load More Replies...The daughter should probably stop having kids if she can't take care of them without her mom...
One of the commenters read my mind: was the daughter having a third child because she relied on someone else to care for them? The grandparents have done a good job of raising the oldest child. I wonder how well the two younger ones will turn out with an immature mother raising them. The father sounds pretty entitled, too.
A teen mom requiring help is one thing. A 30-something whose husband is in the picture, has a good job, and she can afford to be a stay-home mom.... is another. The daughter, IMHO, should be glad her parents did that much for her and her first child.
Load More Replies...This sounds like my sister. She drops her 3yo at my mom’s house whenever she feels like it, to go out for her own appointments & stuff. Without notice in advance. My mom is already swarmed with office work, elder care (my grandpop before he passed), & church accounting. (My mom is a superman who is unfortunately greatly taken advantage by everyone). While my sister herself comes in late to work - she works for my parents - whenever she wants & still expects favor from her parents like it is her given right. It reached a point where she get mad at my mom & said some hurtful things to my mom like “other granparents do more with taking care of their grandkids. Why aren’t you helping me?”.
Your sister is doing the next-generation version of "Why can't you be more like so-and-so's kid?" That's gaslighting.
Load More Replies...It is great for children to have grandparents, and it is great for grandparents to have grandchildren. It is nice if parents can rely on their own parents, and it is nice if parents know their children will call them when in need. But the grandparents' contribution should be no obligation – not from either side. The parents decide how much the grandparents can visit, and the grandparents decide if they visit! And the grandchildren just enjoy!
I’m a grandmother to 6 grandchildren, all to single (one whose husband has pushed child rearing all on her) daughters. None of their fathers are in the picture. I know they need help, but I reserve the right to say no for my own sanity. I help when I am able, but when I can’t, they accept that. I raised my own alone and think I help as much as I can. But I’m useless if it’s forced on me.
I believe you should stick to your plans and not feel any type of guilt. You and your husband deserve to be put first. You deserve to do exactly what you want to do when you want to do it. She has a husband with a good job and if she needs extra help she can hire a nanny 😀, just my opinion!
Where are the smaller children's other grandparents? I can maybe understand if they are not on the scene and daughter needs someone to look after the two year old while she's in labour (not an unreasonable ask - it's a small amount of babysitting and, yes, that IS the role of a grandparent, along with staying up past bedtime and having two lollypops), but other than that she's chosen to be a SAHM. Which means she is staying at home to raise her children. Any additional help she needs should be amazingly limited to exceptional circumstances (like her being in hospital and needing someone to watch the other child). NTA. Move house and enjoy your time.
Not an unreasonable ask, if they live in the same city as you. Should they stay there just for those more necessary scenarios? I can see why the daughter is scared of having a toddler and a newborn and suddenly losing the help and support that she thought she'd always have. But I think it's fair for the grandparents to move away & enjoy their retirement. Hopefully there is somebody else in the daughter's life who can help when she is in labour or otherwise in need of help.
Load More Replies...Course she's pregnant again, and why not? Have all the fun without the chore of raising a kid. Theres a big parenting tip that lies within the old saying, "you've made your bed, so now lie in it."
As someone who's pregnant right now and despising every second of it, being pregnant is reason enough not to be pregnant again! I kid... you're absolutely right. She should have been thinking of grandma helping out as a bonus that might happen occasionally instead of counting on it. If she doesn't think she can have a kid without relying on grandma, then she and her husband shouldn't be having another.
Load More Replies...When my second son was 1 year old, I had the opportunity to take a well-paid, full-time job. Before I even considered applying for the job, I asked my mom, if it was OK for her to take the boys, when I was working. I regularly gave her money for her extra expenses, like for food etc ... which she gladly accepted (we come from a rather humble background). I've never seen, (or used) my mom as an unpaid babysitter, that I could access whenever.
well i can think its kinda hard to tell your children to go and take care of their children themselves. but its the right thing to do, you had your share on raising the first grandchild and how can they be so selfcentered to tell you to not move and enjoy your retirement. tell them to go be adults and take care of their kids themselves. its not grandma and pa job to help them have "easy" life by full time babysit the kids.
The parents should perhaps have set limits from the beginning? The daughter is used to it and of course did not expect it to ever end, which is immature and selfish, imho. Move away, enjoy your life, she will get over it. You have done more than enough. And no, it's NOT my parents' job to raise MY children.
Your daughter needs to learn to stand on her own two feet! She's a grown woman who should be able to handle raising her children. Do what you want to do and don't feel guilted or shamed into what she wants.
After your 18 it's a gift and not a right that your parents help you. At that point they have done thier time and deserve to have lives of their own. Im very close with both my parents and aways respected their need for their own life when I was done being raised.
Sure, that is what grandmothers do - IF and WHEN they choose to. The OP had never promised her daughter to take care of all of the daughter’s children forever and ever.
Why do people keep asking strangers to reinforce their belief in not being the asshole? I mean, likely they aren't - but each and every story of that kind is one-sided at best, we don't know the entire situation - unless someone truly is beyond and below their mind, demanding stuff like essential oils to be chosen over actual evidence-based medicine. Most times, even NTA are TA for asking. Of course, Grandma can retire, but what might possibly be relevant and unknown to the audience? Maybe, that knowledge would be a true gamechanger now and then...
In this situation I can see the daughter doing so much guilt tripping and gaslighting that she just wants some validation for a situation she's conflicted about. Many of these AITA articles are absurd but this one I get.
Load More Replies...The mistake was made early on in the daughters life and she was too enabled. It’s not the grandmas fault. It’s simply… lessons delayed in life.
Your daughter is a selfish beyatch and entitled as well. If she does not want to or cannot care for her children then she should quit making them. Go ahead and live your lives, your daughter is living hers. It is time she grow the hell up and start being responsible for the decisions she makes. What a selfish, entitled monster.
My mum made it abundantly clear as I was growing up that she wouldn't be caring for any children I might have while I went to work. She drilled that in to both my sister and myself. Luckily we both never wanted kids anyway.
i'm 35 and have zero kids, couldn't imagine having grandkids at my age, but damn, rest up and enjoy, your daughter will have to raise her kids herself
I'm a grandma of 5 and couldn't imagine, (although would if it was needed), taking on one of my grandchildren basically full time. I believe it changes the dynamic of the relationship of grandchild and grandparent. It becomes a job, and resentment can build. The grandmother helped at a time in her daughters life when that help was needed. Now it's time for the daughter to grow up and think about the welfare of her mom and dad and their needs.
Or they badly need help, why not hire a nanny? They’re capable anyway. Do enjoy your life while you can OP.
Please retire and live your lives. You've already raised a grandson and your daughter, who elected to be a stay at home mom, is using emotional blackmail. Move far away!
The grandparents ( OP and hubby) should enjoy their life in what ever place they want. They have worked hard for so many years it is time to relax, socialize with people in their own age group if they want , instead of reading Green Eggs and Ham every night. Hope you have a long and happy life where ever you decide to move to. 😎🌵🏌️♂️🏄♀️🏊🚴🌴❤️
Not the a-hole at all. My autistic daughter had a child at 19, and we've been helping her raise him ever since. It's like having another child. She hadn't even figured herself out yet , let alone figured out being an adult. It has been a long difficult road, but she's getting there. We will never be empty nesters and that is difficult sometimes.
Sorry to say this but maybe you should have put you should have put your foot down before. In other words you raised two children (your kid and her kid). Maybe be you should have ingrained a little responsibility in your kid to raise her kid. What is the famous saying "JUST SAY NO" to your kid. Amen!
This, people, is why many women should never have kids. Why do they plan motherhood based on other people's free time? And just say NO when someone wants you to be a free babysitter... they should have planned better their lives before having kids.
A perfect example of people who should not be having children at all. I hate to say but you taught her to be this way by raising the first child for her. I understand that she was very young, but it doesn’t seem to me like she took any responsibility for her actions. Naturally, now she thinks she owns you as her full time, free babysitters. She is nothing more than a spoiled brat. I won’t be surprised if she never lets you see the kids if you do move away. Your decision is very simple. Go live your life and let them take care of their responsibilities. It doesn’t seem like your daughter appreciates you even if you raise ten of her kids.
Well the grandparents have the right to live their own lives the way they want. Most likely the daughter got used to have someone take care of her child instead of her. She is probably afraid to deal with her life choices on her own. I am not defending her, just trying to understand. Best course of action is to just move the way grandparents want to and the daughter will adjust to the change and learn to take care of herself.
i mean grandma did a good job taking care of her daughters kid. im actually glad the mom actually quit working so she can take care of her 2nd kid
You give birth. You take care of it. End of the conversation. If you don't want to take care of a child, don't have one. Abortion is an option. Otherwise do your job and be a parent. Getting help from family and friends is great but they are not responsible for raising your child. They have their own lives.
Sounds like this lady has a very irresponsible daughter. She's nta. Her daughter is.
Was the OP consulted before her daughter conceived this fetus? Or the child before them? If not, then her daughter made a rather broad assumption.
Not so selfish as hinted at. We left our kids just as they were producing grandchildren for us. I really really feel I've missed out severely only seeing my grandchildren rarely. I also missed out knowing my grandparents well because my parents moved across the continent. So Sad.
Stop projecting. There is no reason to think these grandparents won't still be frequent visitors.
Load More Replies...Assume the consequences: You did not educated your daughter and everything in life has consequences.
Or perhaps she never raised her that way. She just ended up being like that. Sometimes kids have personalities they didn't get from their parents.
Load More Replies...Oh, rely on your parents from unlimited free babysitting, do you? Seriously, you're the first person to criticize the OP grandma, everyone else things she's totally within her rights.
Load More Replies...
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