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The key to a happy life on Facebook is to only befriend people who aren't very witty. Because as you can see from this hilarious list of Facebook comebacks, having sharp-witted friends can only lead to trouble. Compiled by Bored Panda, these brilliant burns are sure to make you laugh. They'll also make you think twice about writing something the next time you log into Facebook. Don't forget to vote for the best!
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#1
GlitterGlitch 9 years ago
am I the only one that noticed that the original post said Mrs Johnson and some lady last named Johanson answered, I mean I know the spelling is very close but when said out loud it would be hard to confuse one with the other
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GlitterGlitch 9 years ago
am I the only one that noticed that the original post said Mrs Johnson and some lady last named Johanson answered, I mean I know the spelling is very close but when said out loud it would be hard to confuse one with the other
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#2
AcousticGString 9 years ago
Actually that's true, it IS based on your browser history. I see stuff I was looking at on Amazon all the time in the ads section.
Lauren Mitchell 9 years ago
Not just FB either, it's every site I go to. Big brother is watching
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Jesse Smith 9 years ago
Bwaaaa, hahaha - yes, what are you browsing for? Never mind, it's obvious.
Diana CrunChewy Watson 9 years ago
This is exactly why I refuse to look up anything about the Kardashians. Lord knows what abominable c**p would hit my sidebar.
GlitterGlitch 9 years ago
I look at gay porn and I have never seen a gay ad, so what is a gay ad? like ads for gay men meeting gay men?
Liz Miller 9 years ago
Not all Facebook ads are based on browsing history, because not all ads retargeted. Could also be based on interest or be part of a lookalike audience.
#4
Gibberint Dark 9 years ago
"There is" as my dear departed Mother liked to say about the office she worked in, on being told 'there is no 'I in team' "No F in Team in this place either"...!!
#5
Kirsten Lee 9 years ago
lol this one made me laugh in my class right now and my teacher just looked at me and gave me a mean look
#6
GlitterGlitch 9 years ago
Deuteronomy 25:11 "When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her." One of God's random laws he likes to decide on from time to time. "By the way, if you get into a fight with your mate, and your mate's wife shows up and grabs one of you by the balls, cut off her hand. Stupid b***h."
#7
#8
Valente Espinosa 7 years ago
Hmmm... I think mistakes were made on her birth certificate, and corrections were made on her epitaph... i think. ... u didnt get it did u?
#9
Benski Trenkins 9 years ago
We need more Rogers and Lindsays in this world... or at least on fb
#10
Pedro Purcino 9 years ago
thats his point, if you want a service, pay for it, dont use people as tools.
#11
Henry Cheves 4 years ago
lolol makes no sense, what is it supposed to stand for?
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#13
Master Markus 9 years ago
Believe me, I've never seen God. One big contributing factor to my atheism.
Master Markus 9 years ago
What did you see Francisco? Gods? Brains? Also, Xanxan, I COULD see my brain using something like a CT scan or MRI. Or someone could cut my head open and show me that it's there (though that's not preferred). And Jiha, sure, but I can sense those things in other ways. Never sensed a god. Didn't smell, hear, see, feel one or anything like that.
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Peter Jensen 9 years ago
"If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." - Thomas Szasz, Professor in Psychiatry
Frozengeckolover 6 years ago
Aren't people who see God usually admitted to the loony bin? I mean, you've got to be crazy to see imaginary things, right?
Valente Espinosa 7 years ago
I deeply apologize to anyone who could be offended... i'm athiest.
Nicola Morley 9 years ago
Family's behind the door and Gods behind the bookshelf. Or vice versa? You just have to search.
Sanna Fergéus Skoglund 9 years ago
To the left = my cat To the right = my charger adapter who's currently charging my phone Forever alone! 😂
#14
Liz Miller 9 years ago
I totally pictured a doctor running through a hospital trying to find his patients
CuteCats 4 years ago
Thank you for that image. I will now be giggling throughout the day while my family looks at me weirdly.
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#15
Aegon VI Targaryen 9 years ago
its, 'not your dad, obviously' - since we are being grammatically correct :P
Sofia Bellavista 9 years ago
It's "it's" and not "its," since we are correcting others ;-)
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#16
Frozengeckolover 6 years ago
Hopefully her mom didn't forget her in the parking lot for a life time. Lol.
GlitterGlitch 9 years ago
is time to start wearing that bright yellow sweater they got for xmas, see if they forget you now
#18
LauRa Morgan 9 years ago
I always say that my parents had three kids and stopped on me because they finally did it right
Pedro Purcino 9 years ago
guess who is the parent that wont receive visits when they get older?
#19
blugeagua 9 years ago
It's still annoying that people still like to joke about how women "smell", which of course is always complete bull c**p. However if you don't wash yourself it might. But that goes for men as well. Men can also smell and taste gross down there if they also don't keep themselves clean. So why are there never any jokes about them? Well, misogyny that's why.
#20
Kirsten Lee 9 years ago
This is what you get for calling people ugly next time you'll think about it before someone roasts you especially on facebook
#21
Kjorn 9 years ago
i must be really tired or this is really funny but i almost c**p my pants reading this one
Daniela Tanova 9 years ago
wake up, eat poop, school, eat school, poop running, work work work, eat poop, sleep :D
Kasia Nitschke 9 years ago
Am i the only one to notice that not only he poops 3 times a day, but he does it on a quite strict schedule?
French Mapping (Mappingvideos) 8 years ago
he eats poop then eats a school. This is a giant c**p eating monster alright
#22
#23
Amanda Panda 9 years ago
I have literally seen someone put as their status "I think someone is breaking into my home!" ... and you are on FB and not calling 911?
Monkey D. Luffy 9 years ago
Yeah they definitely should've called the cops immediately, but hopefully somebody called the cops for them if they read their post.
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Anna Brandigi 9 years ago
It's actually kind of sad that people would do this instead of getting help
Sofia Bellavista 9 years ago
Share with your contacts within 2 minutes and you'll have better luck for the rest of the year!
bork_laser 9 years ago
at least call poison control first? I have some really hilarious (not at the time) incidents where I had to call, pretty sure I didn't Facebook first.
Long Joan Silver 9 years ago
...and apparently Facebook is the way to go in regards to your child's safety. Nice one! How dumb can people be?
#24
Sofia Bellavista 9 years ago
I make a brilliant career with my brain superpowers whilst you b***h about your glands secretions.
bork_laser 9 years ago
apparently I grow hair super fast. about as useful as meg's nail growing power.
Long Joan Silver 9 years ago
I turn alcohol into bloody good times. Times that we rave on about for years to come
#25
Long Joan Silver 9 years ago
Steve is the shortened name for Steven or Stephen
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bork_laser 9 years ago
haha, sometimes I like asinine posts so I can check up on it later.
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Flora Polvado 9 years ago
Freedom of speech. Idk, though, kinda enjoyed the take down. She needed it.
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Justin time 9 years ago
If he's looking at young girl eating lollipops and thinking 'yeah, penis' he probably should be on some kind of sex register...
bork_laser 9 years ago
I remember boys making comments about that in hs. I just wanted to eat my f*****g lollipop in peace.
Monkey D. Luffy 9 years ago
Yeah sadly you can't even enjoy a banana without someone saying something stupid.
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Susanna Vesna 9 years ago
He has seen a lot of...lollipops. He shouldn't be concerned with girls
#28
Joanne Palmer 9 years ago
hahahahaha I actually spit my tea out with instant laughter at this one Lmao!!!!
#29
Justin time 9 years ago
*Guy, internally* oh s**t did I log my Facebook off, please God let me have logged off. Fuckfuckshitfuck
#30
Tiny Dynamine 9 years ago
No, it's pointing out that someone is dumb enough not to know that. Sorry to have to point that out to you. :D
Load More Replies... Hans 9 years ago
This reminds me if the posts about tanks at the border to Georgia...the country Georgia in the caucasus. Pepole from Alabama claimed it is not true since they life on the eastern border and do not see a thing.
Justin time 9 years ago
How the hell did this status go 5 hours without anyone else pointing out the flaw in his statement??
#31
Paul Finch 9 years ago
*"If only", not "If you"... not sure how autocorrect accomplished that...
Paul Finch 9 years ago
If you they'd misspelled presents as "peasants" instead of "pressants".
#32
Flora Polvado 9 years ago
Bonobo, autocorrect on mouth not a good idea. That was " nonono"
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#33
Susanna Vesna 9 years ago
I dont see this as a burn, I just see this as a mean misogynist comment. Dad's like that are the reasons some girls cant settle with a man. F*****g loser
#34
#35
#36
Long Joan Silver 9 years ago
I have musician friends without the instruments in their profile photos. Some are pilots and have photos of themselves whilst flying an airplane
#37
#38
#39
Lazy Panda 9 years ago
Just an irrelevant question: I chose the name Lazy Panda for myself but if didn't put a name would it have automatically just made it Lazy Panda? Does anyone know? I know this is irrelevant but I'm very curious
#40
Lazy Panda 9 years ago
Wait, is this guy named Sophie? Or is this a lesbian? (No offence to lesbians)
POWERPUFF GRRLZ 8 years ago
Their whole name might have been Sophie's Boyfriend or something.
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#41
Kasia Nitschke 9 years ago
Amazingly, as I'm reading it, i am also listening to Hellyeah and the song that's on goes "f**k peace, f**k quiet, let's start a riot!"
Frozengeckolover 6 years ago
I would whisper, in a very creepy voice "I'm inside your head now. But I'm the good one. The bad one is watching you." This would cause mass paranoia and widespread chaos. What? He did say the change had to be good.
Rayna MacGuyer 9 years ago
Can't you also pretend your professor x? He can talk to everyone in their heads, human & mutant alike
#42
Lazy Panda 9 years ago
I prank called a girl once, she wears 50 pounds of makeup AT LEAST, and she's stupid enough to believe me when I say my name is Sandi Chikkinz. Good thing she doesn't use Facebook or she'd be all over this article
#43
#44
BoredBunny 8 years ago
According to Google Translate it's: Thus in Hungarian
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#45
CluelessLlama13 9 years ago
This is funny to me because only female mosquitoes are bloodsuckers. Male mosquitoes have a diet similar to a butterfly's.
brandon sat 9 years ago
i didn't know that s**t could see....let alone those 3 things ;-)
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#46
Doug Stringham 9 years ago
Reminds me of this parody video that I totally love: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=z0O_VYcsIk8
#47
#48
Doug Stringham 9 years ago
I dumped Facebook years ago. It was a time vortex. I know, it's a cool story.
#49
#50
Ian Langille 9 years ago
Boys don't get girls and girls dont get boys. Thatssssss jussssst theeee waaaaay itttt issssss
Rachel Hutton 9 years ago
Michal is right. It should be males'. Otherwise it would read male is. The apostrophe in male's is a contraction, not a possessive.
#51
Levity Camilleri 5 years ago
Nah, I reckon that belongs to, like, Bethany or something. For sure. It's just the vibe, y'know?
#52
Doug Stringham 9 years ago
Actually it was more complex than this... but we will take this answer.
Frozengeckolover 6 years ago
I have seen this one before - without the profile pics blurred. Nicole is black.
#53
Joanne Palmer 9 years ago
she just seems a little sad to me......kinda trollish and to her own friend......a*****e!
#54
#55
Elizabeth Elaine Rayne 9 years ago
Wow Lexi...you must be under 30 years old. So sensitive. I don't see how the new generations will survive without living 24/7 in a sterile bubble with 24/7 security monitors and abscense of all human interaction. Your gen loves to use such ignorant catch phrases. Grow up. Stop being a cry baby. And toughen the hell up!
Silke Hagemann 9 years ago
ROFL. I am a woman but man, the response is freaking hilarious & in a way quite accurate.
Sofia Bellavista 9 years ago
Really? Cause it clearly says they don't give a f#ck about respecting a girl's decision, it's basically promoting rape culture...
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Sick Boy 9 years ago
Guess again because this one looks like a ditz who will vote for a female candidate just because she's a female too.
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#57
#58
Frozengeckolover 6 years ago
To be fair... To be fair. I've broken many bones, suffered burns, stab wounds, torn muscles/tendons and a slipped disc BUT a leg falling asleep is still aweful!
#60
#62
Lauren Mitchell 9 years ago
Grade Point Average. If you have straight A+ grades you get a 4.0 (basically the highest). But if you take AP (advanced placement) classes and get good grades you have above a 4.0. The lower your grade letters, the lower your GPA.
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#63
#66
Master Markus 9 years ago
This is a silly "imagine" scenario. "What if we had dubstep in the 90s?" We'd have dubstep in the 90s. It's not like dubstep is a social movement or big cultural revolution. I don't like dubstep, and because I don't look for it, I hardly ever hear it.
Timothy Davis 9 years ago
I never understood why people like dubstep. I like electronic music plenty, but dubstep is flat out obnoxious.
Load More Replies... Ian Langille 9 years ago
It did exist in the 90s. Lots of house and dance was mad pre cursor to dubstep
#67
#69
#70
Flora Polvado 9 years ago
Man was not God's gift to the earth, earth was gifted to man, to take care it. ....and haven't we done a great job!?:(
Master Markus 9 years ago
Ugh, I'm hugely into environmental and animal welfare, I hate what many corporations and governments are doing to the Earth that I can't effectively fight against - but don't even get me started on that self-centered line in that mythological dumpster fire. I'm sure there are a great many people who interpret that quotation as meaning "We can do whatever we want with the Earth, God said so!"
Load More Replies... BoredBunny 8 years ago
I know someone who's name literally translates into: Gift of God. And, yes, he is male.
Susanna Vesna 9 years ago
Written by men about men, for men...Shove that b******t up your arses!
Flora Polvado 9 years ago
I do try to keep the "Jesus speak" to a minimum in posts. Sadly causes too much angst. Sometimes peeps thru. :)
#71
#73
Natalia Claudio 9 years ago
Well that was a pretty mean reply for a post on how bad life is treating this poor guy.
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What do you think ?
Amanda Panda 9 years ago
I feel like the vast majority of these submissions were posted by youths between 13 and 21.
Unwelcome guest 9 years ago
I don't really do facebook mostly because my burns are like a sunburn, you don't really know you've been burnt until the next day
AcousticGString 9 years ago
Also for the record, this site is called BORED panda! Who are you to judge what she does with her life? You dont know her or her situation anymore than i do. I have a friend going through Chemo, and the only thing that he can do is browse stuff online, and his vice is Imgur. And you are judging someone you don't know, bro.
Load More Replies... Amanda Panda 9 years ago
I feel like the vast majority of these submissions were posted by youths between 13 and 21.
Unwelcome guest 9 years ago
I don't really do facebook mostly because my burns are like a sunburn, you don't really know you've been burnt until the next day
AcousticGString 9 years ago
Also for the record, this site is called BORED panda! Who are you to judge what she does with her life? You dont know her or her situation anymore than i do. I have a friend going through Chemo, and the only thing that he can do is browse stuff online, and his vice is Imgur. And you are judging someone you don't know, bro.
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