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We’ve all been given advice at one point or another in our lives - a piece of information that helps us make a decision, understand what really matters, or the actions we should take to change our course of life. Chances are, the advice you were given truly did help you at that time, but sometimes advice can get a little bit… off. And the more off it is, the more suitable it starts to be for our funny bad advice list! Yup, you absolutely shouldn’t take the bits of bad advice listed here seriously, but rather treat them as a means of pure entertainment (except for maybe the instances you want to practice reverse psychology).
You can be absolutely sure that these bits of funny advice will cover every topic that might possibly happen in life. There’s the worst advice for cheering someone up, disastrous encouragement on making tough decisions, funny bad relationship advice (oh, we love those!), and everything in between for when you want to ruin someone’s day. Okay, make it laugh at the silliness instead of ruining someone’s day. Sounds far better, doesn’t it?
As we’ve already stated, you should absolutely take these bits of bad funny advice in a very tongue-in-cheek manner, for they are no good to help you to get to that much revered Hakuna Matata point in life. That said, you should absolutely check them out anyway! And once you are done, rank these bad advice quotes the way you like, and share this article with your friends!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Carry a fork with you. If someone tries to rob you, pull it out of your pocket and say, "thank you Lord for this meal I’m about to have" and charge at them with the fork.
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#2
I don’t care how nice the hand soap smells, you should never walk out of the restroom sniffing your fingers.
ArodTheHorrible 2 years ago
I would say it is pretty much never a good thing to be seen sniffing your fingers
#3
If you can’t afford virtual reality headsets, you can close your eyes and imagine everything you want.
MyLittleVee-Vees! 2 years ago
wait wait- let me try. *closes my eyes and imagines playing minecraft*
#4
"The elites don't want you to know this but the duck at the parks are free you can take them home. I have 458 ducks."
Henry Russell 2 years ago
plz no spare me ill work for you ill do anything you want spare me from the duck army
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#5
If your kids suddenly start getting along and are nice to each other for no reason, be very suspicious.
Reginald the spider crab 2 years ago
me my sibling always butt heads,but when we finally agree on something,you best bet you are going to get a jessie and james style combo.
Esme Weatherwax 2 years ago
And sometimes you only find out when they're adults and confess
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Terri Martin 2 years ago
This applies to pets as well 😅 My cat will climb on the fridge or counter to knock treats or food down for the dog to tear open. Then they all feast.
#6
"Spice up you panic attacks with tiny harmonicas."
Silvermidnight 2 years ago
*covers ears* That's great music! You should do it live on TV!
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Auntriarch 2 years ago (edited)
Just the term tiny harmonicas is making me snigger. And have no idea why
#7
If it looks stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
ConstantlyJon 2 years ago
this is like when people upvote popular opinions on r/unpopularopinion
Bisexual Axolotls 2 years ago
My friend made a stupidity/legality/effectiveness matrix, and this is the perfect caption for it
Terri Martin 2 years ago
This doesn't apply to people. I know a few that work but they're still stupid 🥴
#8
If you can’t blind them with brilliance, baffle them with nonsense.
#9
"If you are at an atm at night and there is a person in front of you, give them a kiss on the neck to let them know you are not a threat."
Chez2202 2 years ago
I’m really short. Can I combine the advice and give them a kiss on the butt?
Load More Replies... Alex and definitely not Sauron 2 years ago
Make sure to whisper into his ear “I am not a threat, good sire”
#10
Having a bad day? No worries! Wear sunglasses. Now you’re having a bad evening.
#11
If you do something bad, make sure there’s someone else around to blame.
Headless Roach 2 years ago
Also: Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
Jeff Gabrisl 2 years ago
I've never made a mistake, except for that one time I thought I was wrong!
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fair_weather_rose 2 years ago
If all else fails, blame the nearest inanimate object. Example: "I obviously didn't knock over the box, the box was trying to attack me and I defended myself!"
#12
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say in "Jesus' name, Amen".
ConstantlyJon 2 years ago
I did this at home once while I was supposed to be paying attention to a lecture from my mother. She believed it too.
#13
Is your sink full of dirty utensils? Put some clean dishes in the draining rack! Now it looks like you’re working on it.
Muff_Fluff 2 years ago
Just fold up the dirty ones and leave them on the table. You can’t even tell right?
Load More Replies... Katy McMouse 2 years ago
Ummm...I kinda did that once. I was angry at my mum because she made me do the dishes when it was my sister's turn. Since she wasn't around, I decided to run water over clean dishes and put them in the drying rack. When she asked me why I didn't complete the chore, I told her that I did what I could, but there was no more room on the rack. She actually bought it.
Claire the Devils Advocate 2 years ago
I do that with the vacuum cleaner. I leave it sitting out for a week
#14
It’s very expensive to eat 3 times a day. Wake up later, miss breakfast, and save money.
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago
Tell that to my stomach, it has the memory of an elephant and doesn't forget nor forgive
Mistie 2 years ago
I've been this broke before. Been homeless. You get to a point where the hunger is so strong, sleep is the only way out. Which is difficult when you are a chronic insomniac, up for five plus nights and days at a stretch. And that's during the good times. So, it is hard. But sometimes, you have to find a way. A way to sleep later in the morning to avoid needing breakfast but not so much later that you stay up late enough at night requiring a late night meal or snack. Also, fluids. Drink lots of fluids. If you think your hungry, drink a large volume of fluids. That will help fill that hole long enough to get you to sleep sometimes. Otherwise, food that cause bloating would be high on my list of snacking choices. Starting with pickles, their impact is almost immediate for me.
Esme Weatherwax 2 years ago
Call it intermittent fasting and you can claim you're looking after your health
DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago
My stomach that get's irritated by acid build up...disagrees. Lol
#15
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
Giant alien spider 2 years ago
Don't make lemonade! GET MAD! Do YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M THE MAN THAT'LL BURN YOUR HOUSE DONE! WITH THE LEMONS!
#16
It's okay to eat food that's just 'a little bit expired', it won't hurt you.
Silvermidnight 2 years ago (edited)
The same goes for slightly bruised fruit, for fruit with little dimples. As long as there's no squishy, watery, rotten area, it's fine to eat. If you still don't like the bruised area, cut it out.
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Cat Chat 2 years ago
You mean they don't magically go bad midnight the day of expiration? My SIL takes things like that very literally. She has a daily chore to throw out any food past date, or not used before the next shopping trip. Cupboards are very bare in that house. 1 because she throws out so much waste and 2 rarely buys more than what won't be used to avoid wasting good food.
#17
Don’t talk to anybody on the train, except for your mom. Well, maybe it would be best to ignore her too.
ConstantlyJon 2 years ago
If I didn’t talk to my mom on a train, she’d just find another person to interrogate.
#18
No flashlight on your phone? Take a photo of the sun, and use it in the dark.
#19
Let your elementary kids dress themselves for school every school day.
LibrarianJanet 2 years ago
Hey, my five-year-old self was a fashion QUEEN! If the plaid, polka-dots, and striped articles of clothing are all blue, then they must go together, right??
fair_weather_rose 2 years ago
As someone who regularly wore princess dresses and superhero costumes to the grocery store until at least age 8, I can confirm this
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Roadkill The Brave 2 years ago
My kindergarten wanted us to do that. My mom was very against it and used to dress me daily. One day she gets a call from the school and they tell her while they do want us picking out our outfits - that she should have been making sure they were appropriate. Mom had no clue what she was talking about - gets walked into classroom and I'm sitting there in a Leotard, and only a leotard. I had apparently been hiding my picked outfits under the cloths she had set out - stripped after I was dropped off - and re-dressing before she picked me up. I have only a few memories of this but there are pictures of me in leotards for proof.
Reginald the spider crab 2 years ago
my school wouldnt allow you to do that.but middle school in this system is lit!i get to wear what i want!
#20
"Key your car so that people think you’re cool enough to have enemies."
#21
Stop worrying.
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago
Why haven't I thought of that? *adds another item on the things to worry about*
Lil Miss Hobbit 2 years ago
I donno. What if it works? Than what will I do with my life? If I don't worry what will I think about? I will become a robot. I will become insignificant! I will cease to exist because my thoughts will cease!
Terri Martin 2 years ago
Thanks. I actually came here to scroll to distract myself from my current worries.It was working until now 😒
liam mckirdy 2 years ago
this advice is on the same level as telling a depressed person to "JUst bE hAPPy"
#22
Put a teabag in your whiskey, so you can day drink without being judged.
Fester Sixonesixonethree 2 years ago
That is freakin' brilliant! Now where can I buy a fake tea bag...
#23
"If you’re caught speeding go faster. The police can’t arrest you if they can’t catch you."
Hugo Santos 2 years ago
Reminds me of that joke where a guy speeding on a Lamborghini gets pulled over by the police and, when the officer asks him "do you know why I stopped you?" he answers "yes, because I let you"...
Jk 2 years ago
Fun fact: in Canada, cops tend to avoid getting into unsafe car chases, so if you floor it when they try to stop you then they'll back off. After that, they'll show up at your house when you get home, because they've been tracking your car using aircraft/drones you can't outrun.
#24
"When feeling sick, drink boiling water to sterilize your insides."
#25
Take your kids to a pumpkin patch and let them pick out any pumpkin. Then, make them carry it to the car. They’ll never want to go back there again.
Silvermidnight 2 years ago
The enthusiasm of the kids would surpass the dinosaurs'.
Load More Replies... Terri Martin 2 years ago
Mine would probably drop it on the way to the car. Then I'd have to spend another hour finding another pumpkin and be out for two pumpkins instead of one.
#26
Never do a whole job when a half job will do.
Fester Sixonesixonethree 2 years ago
AMEN! This is a gospel that MUST BE PREACHED! As a project manager I always followed the 80% rule. If it's 80% done, the rest is just testing so let it roll.
Killing_Time_At_Work 2 years ago
only the stupid get promoted why work hard when everyone else gets paid more for doing less.. lesson i learnt in life
#27
"If it's called rat poison, then eat it. It isn't human poison."
Fester Sixonesixonethree 2 years ago
I kind of know people that would follow that logic to tragic ends. God bless...
Reginald the spider crab 2 years ago
or simply become a snail.rat poison isn't poisonous to them.they gorge on it until they get fat,and when a bird or raccoon eats it,it delivers 10x the lethal dose of rat poison.
#28
Always say what you're thinking out loud.
Theoretical Empiricist 2 years ago
Especially when you wife asks "What are you thinking about?"
Ghaniyah Verma 2 years ago
But my head is nearly always filled with insults for people at my school. Like cuss words. And...um...other stuff.
#29
If the monster comes out of the closet tonight, say hi for me then go back to sleep.
ArodTheHorrible 2 years ago
If the monster comes out of the closet tonight, their creepy uncle must have snuck in there
Reginald the spider crab 2 years ago
if your sleep paralysis demon appears and you can move,beat the s**t out of it for not doing his job completely.
#30
If he does that thing you like, marry him.
#31
If you have a headache, stub your toe. You'll forget you have a headache.
Rainwing_Demigod 2 years ago
Then, continuously hit different parts of your body on various surfaces until you no longer have any body parts to hurt. Then, your body aches and you go lie down and cry. A lot.
Valerie G. 2 years ago
and THAT is why my husband had his circumcision and hemorroids done at the same time. The doctor told him you can only feel one pain at a time, and the doctor knew this was the only time he was probably ever going to get him under the knife.
#32
If your tires are too old, refresh them with a marker.
#33
"When you get a girlfriend you can’t make jokes about not having one or never getting one. The solution, don’t get one ever."
Fester Sixonesixonethree 2 years ago
Valid. Hang with your boys. They won't try to change you like a GF will.
ArodTheHorrible 2 years ago
For the sake of making jokes about it? I don't think that pays off in the end
#34
Always take a laxative with a sleeping pill.
Headless Roach 2 years ago
That reminds me of an old ad for drugs improving bowel movements. Their slogan was "Clearing your bowels without interrupting your sleep". This is real, not kidding.
Arky Gamalan 2 years ago
And in your dream if you found rest room, dont go there.. thats a trap
Jilltdcatlady 2 years ago
Also applies to dreams about camping in the woods...
Load More Replies... ArodTheHorrible 2 years ago
Can't... help it... must... say it... "They really s**t the bed on that one". *sigh* I'll show myself out
#35
If you’re too lazy to wash your cup, use a pepper.
Kaylynn Willprecht 2 years ago
then don't cut it tho im too lazy to get it from the fridge
Load More Replies... #36
No hair? Draw it! Or get a tattoo.
DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago
I've seen this before though...were they tattoo dots to make it look like hair.
#37
Put your cell phone in the microwave to charge it.
Magnion 2 years ago
Reminds me of this hoax that caused people to ruin a bunch of phones DC959463-5...9aab7.jpeg 
Mike Fitzpatrick 2 years ago
The truly scary thing is I'll bet that there were more than a couple of people who fell for this, lol.
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#38
"Wanna take a break from social media? Give yourself a paper cut on both your thumbs."
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago
How will I scroll through Bored Panda with cuts on both thumbs? 😭
#39
Always eat yellow snow it's nutritious.
#40
"Don't breathe, 100% of people who breathe die at some point."
#41
"Always get through red lights as quickly as possible. Stopping increases your chance of being carjacked."
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago
It's the middle of the night, you're on a lonely road, fields and woods all around you. There's a lonely traffic light, and it's red. You stand there and wait until it turns green, because you're in Germany. 🇩🇪
DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago
At some traffic lights here at night...that's actually good advice. They say to just make sure no one is coming and go on through.
ConstantlyJon 2 years ago
I grew up on the outskirts of a pretty rough area. Whenever I drove through at night my parents told me to treat red lights like stop signs because they were legit worried about this.
#42
Don’t find someone rich.
DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago
I mean, it is difficult. They're always on vacation or on a yacht.
Valerie G. 2 years ago
My mom used to say "it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one".
#43
Don’t buy a bikini. Instead, get a size XXXL men’s shirt. That way, men won’t notice you.
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago
I bet you don't get the intended result when you have a wet white shirt clinging to you...
#44
Never break two laws at the same time because that’s how you get caught.
#45
"Unlikely to happen but here we are. If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that."
#46
Pull the plug.
#49
There is never enough time in the morning. Try to combine brushing your teeth with your breakfast.
ᶜʰᵃᵒᵗⁱᶜ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ 2 years ago
"Jimmy, are you brushing with orange juice again!?" "No mom, it's granola!"
#50
"From my father: don’t go to the doctor’s office if you only have one problem. Wait until you have four or five; that’s how you get the most bang for your buck."
Benita Valdez 2 years ago
That's only one though so kind of a waste of money
Load More Replies... Terri Martin 2 years ago
I actually used to do this until my Drs office put a sign in their waiting room lol. It said you were only allowed to address 2 issues per visit and to make another appointment for the others.
#51
"Need to be somewhere on time and don't want to deal with traffic? Inflate your car's tires with helium and gradually float to your destination."
#52
Drive offensively.
Maria D Lofton 2 years ago
It's gonna happen no matter how good or bad you drive. Too many people easily offended cause you're breathing too loud inside your car.
#53
Pee into the wind without worry.
#54
If you pull clothes out of your closet or drawer and decide not to wear them, go ahead and throw them in the dirty clothes. Doing laundry is loads of fun.
#55
Take as much time as you need in the car rider line. No one is in a hurry.
#56
"'Put some butter on it' - My father to me directly after getting a 3rd-degree burn on my arm (cooking accident)."
DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago
I've heard and seen this done...somehow this is one of those old beliefs.
Cat Chat 2 years ago
It's a wonder it took so long to figure out that just seals the heat in. It was still the norm first aid approach into the late '70s/early '80s.
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#57
Improve your complexion.
Theoretical Empiricist 2 years ago
Sand, primer, sand, base coat, sand, top coat...
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#58
When drunk always send the nude and text ex.
#59
Add a cup of antifreeze to your break fluid so it doesn't freeze this winter.
Fester Sixonesixonethree 2 years ago
That's such a poetic fantasy. :) Thank you.
Load More Replies... #60
"Don't study computer programming. The market is probably going to be saturated by the time you graduate." From a computer science professor in the mid-80s.
#61
"Just get a degree. It doesn't matter which one." $40,000 and one unused degree later...
Jeff Gabrisl 2 years ago
I got a degree in philosophy, I can't find a job, but at least I know why!
Terri Martin 2 years ago
Pretty much. I have 1 vocational certificate and two degrees- all in unrelated fields and I don't use any of them 🥴
#63
Never date a girl who pays her rent in one’s.
DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago (edited)
I see what they mean but she's financially stable so that's a positive. She might also be a waitress so still...a positive.
#64
"Invest in brother-in-law's bar. Thanks, Dad. Bye-bye 30k and bye-bye bar. Did not know I'd be working alongside an illiterate buffoon."
Lisa McCourt 2 years ago
They knew he was a buffoon, but were surprised he was illiterate.
Load More Replies... #65
"If someone is starving to death, don't give them any food, or you will be interfering with God's will."
Ghaniyah Verma 2 years ago
*gives food* I already knew I was going to a nonexistent place called hell anyway.
Lil Miss Hobbit 2 years ago
Nope, because thank goodness you were there to carry out His will of saving them.
#66
"When you don't know what to do with something, stick it in a toaster."
Thatbadbassplayer 2 years ago
Always wanted to try a toaster bath bomb. Heard its shockingly good.
#67
"When confronted by a bear, give it a hug and tell him it'll be alright."
DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago
There there brown bear, have no fear, we'll get there, don't shed a tear, whenever you're sad I'll be here.
Silvermidnight 2 years ago (edited)
Trust me, you will be enlightened the moment the bear reacts.
#68
"Instead of paying for a gym membership just join the military."
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago
If you have kink that involves people with weapons, intent on killing you, go right ahead!
#69
"If you run out of dishwasher detergent, just substitute it with regular dish soap. A big mistake that will only be made once."
ArodTheHorrible 2 years ago
On the plus side, all the suds clean your floor and part of your walls, right?
Terri Martin 2 years ago
I grew up without a dishwasher but when I turned 18 and got my own apartment, it had one. I knew nothing about them and made this very mistake. I was also a more is better type back then so I went all in. I really wish I had a camera back then....
Maria D Lofton 2 years ago
Plus your carpet gets clean! (small mobile home kitchen/living room space) Multi-tasking baby!
#70
"Apply garlic to a freshly opened cut or burn to immediately intensify the pain."
Silvermidnight 2 years ago
Be sure to eat a lot of meat before, so you're more sensitive to pain as well.
Load More Replies... Thatbadbassplayer 2 years ago
Just throw a tequila shot on it. Along with lime and salt. They all cancel out.
#71
"If you are afraid someone will say no, just don't ask."
#73
"If you're sad and you can't stop crying, make a water bottle and cry into it and then drink your tears. You'll feel stupid and start laughing at how random and quirky you are."
Maria D Lofton 2 years ago
How do I get the potato to cry into the water bottle?
Load More Replies... #74
"Take action take control, quit school."
#75
"If you don't know if something is microwavable put it in the microwave to test if it is."
ArodTheHorrible 2 years ago
Then go grocery shopping. If your house is still standing when you return, it must be ok
#76
"If you want to have your mind blown, drink nitroglycerin."
#77
"Before going through resumes, throw the top half in the trash. You don't want to hire unlucky people."
Jilltdcatlady 2 years ago
Throw out the top one. You don't want to deal with an over achiever.
#78
"Invest in DVDs because you can pawn them for cash when you need money."
#79
"Got a new tattoo? Don’t use healing creams! Let your dog lick it, dog saliva has an antiseptic!"
#80
"Was told by a sailor of 5 decades that the best way to get rid of sunburn is to take the hottest shower possible. Not only did that cause immeasurable pain, but didn't help in the slightest."
#81
"As a temporary measure, it's ok to insert a copper penny into a screw-in fuse box circuit until replacement fuses can be obtained." That dangerous "advice" almost caused a house fire due to an overheating circuit.
#82
Pouring river water in your socks. It's quick, it's easy and it's free.
What do you think ?
Reginald the spider crab 2 years ago
if you ever feel down about yourself,simply remember that the world would be a better place without you. you cannot let that happen.keep living out of spite,and to outlive your enemies.become to angry towards those who hate you to die.
Panda Pandemic 2 years ago
Stuff like this however funny is kind of scary. There are people still learning and don't know any better and can think this is advice. Better yet some people are not fortunate enough to have someone in their lives to teach them and make them aware. Besides it's just not cool to mislead anyone no matter how comical we think it is.
Terri Martin 2 years ago
My advice for first dates. If you're lactose intolerant make sure to order a salad with cheese and extra ranch and ice cream for dessert. If he asks for a second date, it's meant to be 💨💘
Reginald the spider crab 2 years ago
if you ever feel down about yourself,simply remember that the world would be a better place without you. you cannot let that happen.keep living out of spite,and to outlive your enemies.become to angry towards those who hate you to die.
Panda Pandemic 2 years ago
Stuff like this however funny is kind of scary. There are people still learning and don't know any better and can think this is advice. Better yet some people are not fortunate enough to have someone in their lives to teach them and make them aware. Besides it's just not cool to mislead anyone no matter how comical we think it is.
Terri Martin 2 years ago
My advice for first dates. If you're lactose intolerant make sure to order a salad with cheese and extra ranch and ice cream for dessert. If he asks for a second date, it's meant to be 💨💘
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