Man Thinks He Shouldn’t Have To Disrupt His Plans To “Cater To His Wife” After Family Emergency Leaves Her Anxious And Alone
Interview With Author
Whenever there’s a family emergency, having your loved ones by your side can give you a strong sense of support that helps keep the fear at bay. And even if they aren’t physically there, just having them check in and knowing that they’re thinking of you and yours can give you the strength to push through tough times.
Redditor u/PrettyHateMachinexxx recently went viral after sharing how her husband, who was out of state for a college reunion, behaved even though he knew there was a family emergency going on. Read on for the full story, how the internet reacted, and keep an eye out for the pleasantly positive ending. Bored Panda reached out to the author of the viral post, redditor u/PrettyHateMachinexxx, and she was kind enough to share her thoughts on working through arguments, having uncomfortable conversations, and how to make up after a fight. Scroll down for our full interview with the OP.
Checking in with your loved ones when there’s a family emergency can have a massively positive impact. The opposite is also true
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
A woman turned to the internet for advice after sharing how her husband was hard to reach when he left for a reunion
Image credits: Tembela Bohle (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Oscar Ritter (not the actual photo)
The author of the post later shared a very important update
Image credits: PrettyHateMachinexxx
The couple had a very in-depth conversation about what happened
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)
We were interested to get redditor u/PrettyHateMachinexxx’s thoughts on why her post made such a big splash on the internet. “I think it blew up because there is a fair amount of nuance to both sides and what people feel is the duty of a supportive partner and it more or less became a moral issue,” she told Bored Panda.
“Whether the supportive partner should handle everything on their own so that their significant other can have fun or if the partner should check in on their SO when they’re not physically there because they know that they’re struggling,” she explained the dilemma. “People feel strongly about what the roles of a partner and parent should be.”
The author of the post had some great insights about navigating tough arguments in long-term relationships.
“The more you get used to having uncomfortable conversations, the less uncomfortable they become. We are not perfect, but my partner and I do sit down and have difficult conversations, we wait until we have both calmed down,” she shared some practical advice.
“In arguments, don’t call names or say mean things. Yelling louder will not make them listen more. Accept that your partner has a different lived experience and it might be difficult for them to understand your perspective, keep an open mind on both sides,” she revealed some more great tips on handling arguments well.
“Remember that you’re both on the same team. Try not to assume that the other person had bad intentions (that doesn’t mean that their actions can’t have poor results). We usually make up after a fight by having a calm discussion where we listen to the other person, come to a resolution or agree to discuss it again at another time, and apologize,” she told Bored Panda.
Emergencies tend to reveal people’s priorities, but everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect
Image credits: Adrienn (not the actual photo)
The woman’s story had a very wholesome ending. Redditor u/PrettyHateMachinexxx shared that her grandmother was out of the intensive care unit and was stable. Meanwhile, the author of the post also revealed that she and her husband finally made up after their big fight. He sincerely apologized to her and admitted that he wished he’d done things differently.
“We had a long, but overall good discussion and hope that something like this doesn’t happen again,” she shared in an update with her readers on the AITA subreddit.
The OP touched on the importance of consistently open and honest communication in any long-term relationship. Practically any happy relationship is bound to be based on trust, respect, mutual attraction, transparency, and healthy boundaries. Part of this means finding ways to support your partner when times are exceptionally hard and celebrating their successes and achievements together with them when they’re on cloud nine.
Family members should stay in contact with each other during family emergencies. And even if someone’s unable to find ways to help, the least they can do is give everyone emotional support and help everyone stay calm, cool, and collected… as much as possible.
Emergencies aren’t something that can ever be planned in advance, so they can and will cut into your day, whether you’re simply going to work or going to a reunion that you’ve been looking forward to for ages. It’s moments like this when a loved one gets hurt or falls seriously ill, that really make you become aware of your priorities… and reevaluate them later.
Though it might have taken the husband a bit of time to get there, he ended up showing that family comes first. And that’s what’s important. Nobody’s perfect, we’re all human beings who make mistakes and grow as a result of them. It’s easy to judge someone else for their decisions, but we all know how messy life can get, and how many nuances there can be. It’s only later, with the help of hindsight, that we know how we would’ve liked to behave differently.
Happy and healthy relationships require mutual trust and respect
Image credits: Ekaterina Nt (not the actual photo)
In non-emergency situations, however, it’s essential for couples to find a balance between mutual support and finding time for themselves. Being a good partner and parent does not mean that your entire life consists only of chores, parenting, and going to work so you can pay the bills.
People are more complex than that and have a broader range of needs. They need to find the time to create, dance, meet up with friends, read a book with a good cup of tea, or take a long walk by the riverside without their smartphone that constantly demands their attention. Active and passive rest can recharge your batteries so that you’re at the top of your game when it comes to all of your (very important) responsibilities. It’s good to keep in mind that a desire to have (some) privacy isn’t a bad thing.
That’s why giving your partner some ‘time off’ (and carving out some date nights for the both of you) is so essential. However, this requires a good deal of mutual support. Both partners need to be very active when it comes to taking care of the kids and doing the housework, no matter if they’re both working or not.
Otherwise, one partner may end up taking on the lion’s share of the responsibilities. This can lead to a lot of simmering resentment and frustration. Especially if the partner does less around the house and then wants to have some time all to themselves. But if the couple contributes more or less equally and is happy with whatever arrangement they have, everything should be fine.
Though if things aren’t working out, then it’s best to have a friendly but frank conversation with your loved one about how you feel about the entire situation and how you’d like more of their support. It’s best to look for some sort of compromise while actively listening to each other’s positions and avoiding the temptation to attack them for their character and behavior. Try to stay on topic and tackle the issue at hand, instead of trying to manage the entire relationship’s worth of problems in one conversation. And don’t forget to acknowledge that you’re grateful when they shift gears for you.
Most internet users were very supportive of the woman. Here’s what they had to say about her situation
*Shocked Pikachu face* Wait, wait, this AITA problem was solved with a what!?? A mature, adult conversation?! And it worked!?! Well, wouldn’t you know. *so much sarcasm *
Literally 90% of these people just need to work on communication skills
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I've long since given up believing that any of these are real.
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Personally I dont think his phone died since she said he always has portable chargers. I think he was ignoring her which is also why he blew off her reaction.
I have two power banks and multiple chargers for my devices too. But I don't carry them everywhere with me. If camping I'll take a power bank. If I was somewhere like the guy in this story I'd take a charger but not a power bank. Because the expectation would be that I could charge it in my hotel. Would my phone go flat? Not usually, but it's possible. If it was low and you rushed to get on flight, I can see that happening. I don't think it's fair to read into it that he was deliberately blowing her off in this case.
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I dunno, if it were me I would've let my husband know what was happening and to be on alert that if the worst happened he may need to cut his trip short, but in the meantime to continue on as usual and have as good a time as he could, yeah I'd prefer he keep his phone charged but sometimes they run out faster from taking photos or whatever. I remember being about 24 weeks pregnant and I started bleeding really badly so I was kept in hospital, my husband had his leaving party the same night as he was moving to a new job - he still went, got absolutely trashed and crawled back into the hospital the next day when visiting was allowed - what would've been the point of him cancelling just to stay home himself waiting for news. I get that some people would be angry at this but for me I just prefer life to carry on as usual until there's a reason for it not to, if that makes sense?
I think op is right to want comfort from her HUSBAND when her grandma needs life saving surgery. I'm sure she has a lot of things going through her mind and just needed someone to talk to. If his phone would have been charged he could have done this and continued with his party.
Load More Replies... The main thing here: People think, planning ahead is not necessary anymore, because everybody can be reached 24/7, whereever they are and whatever they do. Just do the old fashioned thing: Leave a note on paper with the details of your hotel, or if it must be digital, text and mail it before leaving, with a searchable content as "Jimyjoes hotel". Just nake sure the homefront can somehow leave you a notice in case of emergencies. If you are the one staying behind, learn to deal with it that you might have to face a crisis on your own. And about travel preparation: When travelling by car, check your route before leaving and do not navigate on the go. I live in a tourist area, from whatever direction in Europe you come driving, at a certain point it involves tunnels and motorway-crossing and sometimes pay roads. People freak out, they "did not know" and get lost, because they don't want to do what their Google Maps tells them. Besides Germany, almost all roads are on Streetview, use it!
OP is NTA. Just because you're going to a party to see friends that you haven't seen in a while, doesn't mean that you drop your life and responsibilities at the door. Of course his spouse is going to look to him for support. I can't see that anything she wanted him to do was above or beyond that of what a person who cares, would have done without having to be asked. It was very basic respect and consideration that he completely lacked. His behaviors suggest that he's a very selfish person. I hope that she doesn't experience any more episodes like this with him but it would be a major red flag for me. She asked for so little and got nothing in return except disrespect. His behavior added an undue burden to her already anxiety ridden and emotionally draining experience. I'm glad her grandma is doing better.
Wrong, she knew he was gonna get drunk and have fun with his friends.
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Most definitely NTA. He could have taken a few minutes out of his partying to contact his wife. Especially when she is scared and needs him. That is what partners do!
It was a d**k move, but he’s right, there’s nothing he could do about it and, when it came to having a reunion with ppl you haven’t seen in 15 years that you’re excited about catching up while getting drunk or deal with your partner freaking out cause a relative is in the ICU, let’s not all act like you’d want to be texting & calling all throughout the reunion instead of enjoying yourself esp when you’ve been excited about the reunion for the last 2 months. This wouldn’t have been a one phone call or text where you show your support and that would have suffice - once established those texts would have kept happening and he would have been bitter she ruined his reunion for him.
Another point. Why TF didn’t she know which hotel he was at? If my husband or I have to go out of town, we let each other know where we’re staying, plus all flight info, ffs! If we made reservations ahead of time, we let them know the hotel before we leave, and room number once we’re checked in. If no reservations, as in we ran late and can’t get a flight out until morning, we call as soon as we know we’re not coming home that day, and again when we find a hotel room and rebook the flight—-info for all flight numbers and arrival/departure times is also passed on once known. We communicate. The OP and her husband don’t. If I was OP, even though hubby came up with a half-assed apology AFTER he realized just how much he f****d up, I would keep him on probation for a long time over this, IF I decided to give the relationship one more chance. Suppose, instead of Grandma, it was the baby? Or OP herself, and she was too incapacitated to look after the baby? What if the house was burning down? What if there was a tornado/hurricane/earthquake/other disaster? When you’re in a committed relationship, you need to be a goddamned grown up, and take your responsibilities seriously. Your friends are not supposed to be more important than your family, and by extension, your SO’s family.
Gotta say that's it's not typical, nor necessary, to update with details of exactly where you are at all times. I might discuss which bit of a city or if it is a well known hotel it might get mentioned, but if I had asked my ex specifically which hotel and room she was in, it would have seemed like I was stalking her. Adults don't need treating like children.
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Frankly, they both kind of suck. This wasn't an emergency in the sense that she needed help. There was little he could have done but, what, distract her? Listen to her emotions? Like, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's no value in that. But it's coming from a place of helplessness, not need. If he were there with her, he could comfort her, but not as much over the phone. If his phone was almost dead before he left (which is stupid of him), getting it charged while at the bar isn't really a thing. His response was terrible, nonetheless. He utterly failed to communicate. He failed to check in at all. Even if he didn't need to come home or virtually hold her hand, at least show the woman you're married to is in your thoughts when you know she's stressed. She let the understandable emotions coming from the possible loss of her grandmother cause her to act out in an extreme way. And he failed to communicate and be available to his family. He was way too apathetic to the situation.
Back before cell phones, you NEVER went anywhere without someone knowing WHERE you'd be, in roughly what time frame, JUST in case. EDIT: Since some don't think parents would care: I lived with this rule till age 16. Sh*t happens. Family may need to find you. E.g., when someone is ailing (as with my late dad) and you may need to be found so you have time to say good-bye. I'll also note I gr3ew up so rural that we rarely needed to worry, b/c everyone knew everyone knew it was nothing but rural for miles. You could call a neighbor and say, "Hey, if you see my kid, send them home, we have trouble..."
Rubbish. Absolute poppycock, as anyone who was an adult before the cellphone era would confirm.
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U almost have to TRY to let ur phone die these days. My guess is that he just didn't want his party night ruined, so he either just said to e everyone to say his phone died, or he let it run out, so that his night out wouldn't b ruined. However, had it been reversed, 100%hr would have been as upset as she was. And regardless, they have a little BABY! What if something happened to the baby or her?!
Dude was in another state. If something happened to her when he was there, he likely wouldn't find out until he got home. Unless you're going to stay within a short radius at all times, 'think of the baby!' is a bit excessive. If the expectation is to have no meaningful degree of independence, then people are too exhausting to couple up with.
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Sounds to me like he wanted to "play out" with his friends all weekend and forget that he had a little family and huge responsibilities! Even though he couldn't have done anything physical from far away, he should have been reachable which would have made his wife feel better.
Bp/authors is apparently cutting out a lot of the comments and we're only seeing one side of them. Feels very unethical to me to steal these articles off of reddit and then edit their content to present one pov or another. Either share the whole article or nothing at all. Next they'll be twisting what happened or something.
Kind of TA. You told him to go, YOU KNEW he was going to drink. Even if sober he couldn't help except emotionally, BUT you knew he was going to drink and had been drinking. Sorry, but YTA, because he was physically and emotional unavailable to help with your problems. Cut him some slack.
You always have the worst takes but you're also a male so it's kinda expected 🤷
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My dad had major spinal surgery two years ago. During his recovery time, he developed an infection which went right to his head, making him hallucinate and have the most bizarre reactions. The doctors were worried b/c at first they didn't know what it was. For a couple of days, we honestly thought he was going downhill and were terrified. I remember sitting at work, feeling numb yet terrified, but my husband still called and texted throughout the day (while at work) to check in. BECAUSE that's what a caring spouse does!!!!
I don't understand those who think that they get to check out of their partner's problems just because they've gone on vacation. When you commit to someone, you promise to be there for them. Taking a few minutes to charge a phone and send an encouraging text or two doesn't take much.
He made a mistake. One. He knows he did wrong, so let it go. Keeping the anger and resentment going is for what purpose? Does it make a better marriage?
It doesn't sound like op has anger and resentment, based on her edits. She said they had a good conversation and he told her what he wishes he did. You can't go back in time but you can communicate. If they didn't have a conversation they both would've had resentment. Her because he didn't text or call her back and him because she was trying to get ahold of him during a party.
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And if the genders were switched the man would still be TA because he would be controlling and intrusive.
I bet you were feeling smug when you left that comment… No, people of any gender should be there for their significant other.
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Leave the husband alone. There was nothing he could do for your grandmother. And you chose to worry over some thing out of your control. Deal with it.
It's a grandma!? So she's just not supposed to be sad about a loved one needing surgery? And how does that mean she doesn't have a social life?
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*Shocked Pikachu face* Wait, wait, this AITA problem was solved with a what!?? A mature, adult conversation?! And it worked!?! Well, wouldn’t you know. *so much sarcasm *
Literally 90% of these people just need to work on communication skills
Load More Replies... I've long since given up believing that any of these are real.
Load More Replies... Personally I dont think his phone died since she said he always has portable chargers. I think he was ignoring her which is also why he blew off her reaction.
I have two power banks and multiple chargers for my devices too. But I don't carry them everywhere with me. If camping I'll take a power bank. If I was somewhere like the guy in this story I'd take a charger but not a power bank. Because the expectation would be that I could charge it in my hotel. Would my phone go flat? Not usually, but it's possible. If it was low and you rushed to get on flight, I can see that happening. I don't think it's fair to read into it that he was deliberately blowing her off in this case.
Load More Replies... I dunno, if it were me I would've let my husband know what was happening and to be on alert that if the worst happened he may need to cut his trip short, but in the meantime to continue on as usual and have as good a time as he could, yeah I'd prefer he keep his phone charged but sometimes they run out faster from taking photos or whatever. I remember being about 24 weeks pregnant and I started bleeding really badly so I was kept in hospital, my husband had his leaving party the same night as he was moving to a new job - he still went, got absolutely trashed and crawled back into the hospital the next day when visiting was allowed - what would've been the point of him cancelling just to stay home himself waiting for news. I get that some people would be angry at this but for me I just prefer life to carry on as usual until there's a reason for it not to, if that makes sense?
I think op is right to want comfort from her HUSBAND when her grandma needs life saving surgery. I'm sure she has a lot of things going through her mind and just needed someone to talk to. If his phone would have been charged he could have done this and continued with his party.
Load More Replies... The main thing here: People think, planning ahead is not necessary anymore, because everybody can be reached 24/7, whereever they are and whatever they do. Just do the old fashioned thing: Leave a note on paper with the details of your hotel, or if it must be digital, text and mail it before leaving, with a searchable content as "Jimyjoes hotel". Just nake sure the homefront can somehow leave you a notice in case of emergencies. If you are the one staying behind, learn to deal with it that you might have to face a crisis on your own. And about travel preparation: When travelling by car, check your route before leaving and do not navigate on the go. I live in a tourist area, from whatever direction in Europe you come driving, at a certain point it involves tunnels and motorway-crossing and sometimes pay roads. People freak out, they "did not know" and get lost, because they don't want to do what their Google Maps tells them. Besides Germany, almost all roads are on Streetview, use it!
OP is NTA. Just because you're going to a party to see friends that you haven't seen in a while, doesn't mean that you drop your life and responsibilities at the door. Of course his spouse is going to look to him for support. I can't see that anything she wanted him to do was above or beyond that of what a person who cares, would have done without having to be asked. It was very basic respect and consideration that he completely lacked. His behaviors suggest that he's a very selfish person. I hope that she doesn't experience any more episodes like this with him but it would be a major red flag for me. She asked for so little and got nothing in return except disrespect. His behavior added an undue burden to her already anxiety ridden and emotionally draining experience. I'm glad her grandma is doing better.
Wrong, she knew he was gonna get drunk and have fun with his friends.
Load More Replies... Most definitely NTA. He could have taken a few minutes out of his partying to contact his wife. Especially when she is scared and needs him. That is what partners do!
It was a d**k move, but he’s right, there’s nothing he could do about it and, when it came to having a reunion with ppl you haven’t seen in 15 years that you’re excited about catching up while getting drunk or deal with your partner freaking out cause a relative is in the ICU, let’s not all act like you’d want to be texting & calling all throughout the reunion instead of enjoying yourself esp when you’ve been excited about the reunion for the last 2 months. This wouldn’t have been a one phone call or text where you show your support and that would have suffice - once established those texts would have kept happening and he would have been bitter she ruined his reunion for him.
Another point. Why TF didn’t she know which hotel he was at? If my husband or I have to go out of town, we let each other know where we’re staying, plus all flight info, ffs! If we made reservations ahead of time, we let them know the hotel before we leave, and room number once we’re checked in. If no reservations, as in we ran late and can’t get a flight out until morning, we call as soon as we know we’re not coming home that day, and again when we find a hotel room and rebook the flight—-info for all flight numbers and arrival/departure times is also passed on once known. We communicate. The OP and her husband don’t. If I was OP, even though hubby came up with a half-assed apology AFTER he realized just how much he f****d up, I would keep him on probation for a long time over this, IF I decided to give the relationship one more chance. Suppose, instead of Grandma, it was the baby? Or OP herself, and she was too incapacitated to look after the baby? What if the house was burning down? What if there was a tornado/hurricane/earthquake/other disaster? When you’re in a committed relationship, you need to be a goddamned grown up, and take your responsibilities seriously. Your friends are not supposed to be more important than your family, and by extension, your SO’s family.
Gotta say that's it's not typical, nor necessary, to update with details of exactly where you are at all times. I might discuss which bit of a city or if it is a well known hotel it might get mentioned, but if I had asked my ex specifically which hotel and room she was in, it would have seemed like I was stalking her. Adults don't need treating like children.
Load More Replies... Frankly, they both kind of suck. This wasn't an emergency in the sense that she needed help. There was little he could have done but, what, distract her? Listen to her emotions? Like, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's no value in that. But it's coming from a place of helplessness, not need. If he were there with her, he could comfort her, but not as much over the phone. If his phone was almost dead before he left (which is stupid of him), getting it charged while at the bar isn't really a thing. His response was terrible, nonetheless. He utterly failed to communicate. He failed to check in at all. Even if he didn't need to come home or virtually hold her hand, at least show the woman you're married to is in your thoughts when you know she's stressed. She let the understandable emotions coming from the possible loss of her grandmother cause her to act out in an extreme way. And he failed to communicate and be available to his family. He was way too apathetic to the situation.
Back before cell phones, you NEVER went anywhere without someone knowing WHERE you'd be, in roughly what time frame, JUST in case. EDIT: Since some don't think parents would care: I lived with this rule till age 16. Sh*t happens. Family may need to find you. E.g., when someone is ailing (as with my late dad) and you may need to be found so you have time to say good-bye. I'll also note I gr3ew up so rural that we rarely needed to worry, b/c everyone knew everyone knew it was nothing but rural for miles. You could call a neighbor and say, "Hey, if you see my kid, send them home, we have trouble..."
Rubbish. Absolute poppycock, as anyone who was an adult before the cellphone era would confirm.
Load More Replies... U almost have to TRY to let ur phone die these days. My guess is that he just didn't want his party night ruined, so he either just said to e everyone to say his phone died, or he let it run out, so that his night out wouldn't b ruined. However, had it been reversed, 100%hr would have been as upset as she was. And regardless, they have a little BABY! What if something happened to the baby or her?!
Dude was in another state. If something happened to her when he was there, he likely wouldn't find out until he got home. Unless you're going to stay within a short radius at all times, 'think of the baby!' is a bit excessive. If the expectation is to have no meaningful degree of independence, then people are too exhausting to couple up with.
Load More Replies... Sounds to me like he wanted to "play out" with his friends all weekend and forget that he had a little family and huge responsibilities! Even though he couldn't have done anything physical from far away, he should have been reachable which would have made his wife feel better.
Bp/authors is apparently cutting out a lot of the comments and we're only seeing one side of them. Feels very unethical to me to steal these articles off of reddit and then edit their content to present one pov or another. Either share the whole article or nothing at all. Next they'll be twisting what happened or something.
Kind of TA. You told him to go, YOU KNEW he was going to drink. Even if sober he couldn't help except emotionally, BUT you knew he was going to drink and had been drinking. Sorry, but YTA, because he was physically and emotional unavailable to help with your problems. Cut him some slack.
You always have the worst takes but you're also a male so it's kinda expected 🤷
Load More Replies... My dad had major spinal surgery two years ago. During his recovery time, he developed an infection which went right to his head, making him hallucinate and have the most bizarre reactions. The doctors were worried b/c at first they didn't know what it was. For a couple of days, we honestly thought he was going downhill and were terrified. I remember sitting at work, feeling numb yet terrified, but my husband still called and texted throughout the day (while at work) to check in. BECAUSE that's what a caring spouse does!!!!
I don't understand those who think that they get to check out of their partner's problems just because they've gone on vacation. When you commit to someone, you promise to be there for them. Taking a few minutes to charge a phone and send an encouraging text or two doesn't take much.
He made a mistake. One. He knows he did wrong, so let it go. Keeping the anger and resentment going is for what purpose? Does it make a better marriage?
It doesn't sound like op has anger and resentment, based on her edits. She said they had a good conversation and he told her what he wishes he did. You can't go back in time but you can communicate. If they didn't have a conversation they both would've had resentment. Her because he didn't text or call her back and him because she was trying to get ahold of him during a party.
Load More Replies... And if the genders were switched the man would still be TA because he would be controlling and intrusive.
I bet you were feeling smug when you left that comment… No, people of any gender should be there for their significant other.
Load More Replies... Leave the husband alone. There was nothing he could do for your grandmother. And you chose to worry over some thing out of your control. Deal with it.
It's a grandma!? So she's just not supposed to be sad about a loved one needing surgery? And how does that mean she doesn't have a social life?
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