Woman Is Told To Let Dad Chip In $160 For The $34k Car She Is Buying Her Son Or Not Buy It At All To Avoid Making Him Feel Bad
InterviewSometimes, when giving presents to kids, it might be of little importance who got them or who paid for them. However, once they are older, in most situations, hiding the source of their gift might seem like a petty attempt to lie or take them as naive. Either way, such was the suggestion of this teen’s aunt when she asked this mom to present her gift to the boy as being from both of his parents. Or as she put it, the boy’s mom should let the father “chip in” $160 to her paying “the other” $34,000.
More info: Reddit | Dr. Cameron Caswell |M.Ed. Annie Fox
A woman decided to get her son his first car for his 17th birthday but got confronted by her ex’s sister
Image credits: JAGMEET SiNGH (not the actual photo)
The boy’s aunt thought his mother should take the financial situation of his father into consideration
Image credits: TimeRemarkable6641
Image credits: Sora Shimazaki (not the actual photo)
Image credits: TimeRemarkable6641
The woman’s ex was an absent father for 8 years, until they started doing 50/50 custody later
Image credits: Alan Quirván (not the actual photo)
The boy’s aunt suggested his mom should let her ex add $160, so the gift would be from both of his parents
So this Redditor’s story has to do with her son’s aunt, who possibly wanted her brother and his son to have a nice bonding time, however, for some reason, thought his mother’s gift should be used for that. It was after the boy’s mother saved $34,000 for her son’s first car, knowing that he likes the 2023 Camry, and decided to get it for his 17th birthday.
However, upon sharing her idea with her son’s father’s sister, whom she is semi-close to, little did she know what the aunt’s reaction would be. While at first, the boy’s aunt was excited to hear the idea, later she said the mother shouldn’t get the car. The aunt was worried that it might make the boy’s father look bad.
The boy’s mother thinks that whether the boy’s father works hard or not is his own responsibility and has nothing to do with her getting a gift for her son. The man’s sister, on the contrary, called her a few days later to share her plan, which consisted of her and the boy’s father each contributing $80, so the gift is from both of the boy’s parents.
As the cost of the car is $34,000, the woman refused to have a joint gift, which made the boy’s aunt livid because according to her, the boy’s mother was denying the great opportunity for the boy to get closer to his father, therefore being selfish. The aunt called the woman twice asking her to either let them chip in or not get the gift.
The boy’s mother refused to let his father contribute, as she had it covered
Image credits: Any Lane (not the actual photo)
The ex’s sister called the woman a jerk twice, claiming she should either let them contribute or not buy the gift
In their study, Parenting By Lying In Childhood, five scholars were studying the practice of parenting by lying, which uses deception for controlling children’s behavior and affective states.
Scholars explain that while parents often emphasize the importance of honesty when educating their children, their own behavior often is at odds with their own words and requests, as parenting by lying is widely observed across cultures.
Researchers note that the results of their study, which included 379 young adults who often experienced being lied to by their parents during their childhood, suggest that parenting by lying may have negative implications for a child’s psychosocial functioning later in life.
Adults participating in the study who remembered being exposed to higher levels of their parents lying to them in their childhood showed higher levels of deception toward their parents and experienced higher levels of psychosocial maladjustment.
In order to better understand the situation, Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Cameron Caswell, who is a doctorate in developmental psychology with 15 years of experience in coaching parents and mentoring teens, and she graciously responded, answering our questions.
Dr. Caswell explained that there is a lot going on in this Redditor’s story and there are at least four sides to it. When it comes to the boy’s father, based on the fact that he has had 50/50 custody of his son for at least nine years, it can be said that he clearly wants to be in his son’s life.
When it comes to the father’s sister Dr. Caswell explained that her being extremely protective of her brother suggests that even though she is shown as a jerk in the situation she is probably trying to be a hero for her brother.
In addition to making a note concerning both siblings that “while chipping in $80 for a $34K car might seem like a ridiculously insignificant amount, it may be a huge amount in relation to how much the father has.”
Image credits: The Lazy Artist Gallery (not the actual photo)
Finally, Dr. Caswell shared her thoughts on the situation as it relates to the boy’s health and well-being. Dr. Caswell emphasized, that the father has had nine years to build a relationship with his son, but hasn’t been able to do so can be crushing to a child.
She explained the underlying problem, noting that: “even if he bought the entire $34K car himself, it wouldn’t “fix” that or bring them closer together. In fact, it’s likely to come off as trying to buy his son’s love and strain it even more.”
“(Plus, let’s be real, the son is never going to believe the dad bought part of it.) It’d be a waste of his dad’s money.”
Dr. Caswell gave her recommendations to the boy’s father and his sister: “I would encourage the dad to keep his money and spend as much time as he can with his son, trying to build a relationship with him. I can guarantee that will be far more valuable to his son than anything he could buy.”
While Dr. Caswell recognized that the boy’s aunt wants to help her brother, she would recommend redirecting “her energy and compassion to helping her brother connect with his son rather than protecting him from his ex-wife.”
Finally, Dr. Caswell cheered the boy’s mother “who raised her son while raising herself up” with a “way to go!”. “You worked hard and beat the odds. You deserve to buy your son the car of his dreams and bask in the joy it brings both of you,” she added.
To find more on parenting from Dr. Cameron Caswell, please visit her blog Ask Dr. Cam, and her website Dr. Cam Parenting Hub.
Bored Panda also reached out to M.Ed. Annie Fox, who is a tweens and teens parenting expert and an award-winning author, and she graciously agreed to give us her take on the situation.
The main emphasis drawn by Ms. Fox was on not putting a child of any age in the middle of a battle between ex-spouses, which she explains to be just “plain wrong”. Ms. Fox elaborated that “when lingering tensions exist between divorced parents, as seems to be in the case here, those parents should make an agreement not to speak negatively about one another to the child or in the child’s presence.
According to Ms. Fox:” If the boy’s father would like to make a contribution toward the purchase of the car, that’s fine. In that case, the boy’s mother could (accurately) say to her son, “Your father contributed some money to this gift and you should thank him.” Ms. Fox, however, would not recommend the mother to specify exactly how much the father contributed, as “that’s neither necessary nor helpful information.”
Finally, Ms. Fox recommends that parents, who have some unresolved issues with an ex-partner, “either deal with them directly and/or in therapy.”
To find more on teen parenting by Ms. Annie Fox, please visit Annie Fox’s Blog, Family Confidential podcast and her website.
Redditors shared their take on the situation
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Share on FacebookSeriously, who buys a 34k ''first car'' for his/her son ? Most of us struggle to buy a 3k Banger or lease a 150€ compact
I was going to say the same. It's a really sweet gesture. But no 17 year old needs a brand new car.
Load More Replies...Obviously NTA, but buying a brand new car for a 17 year old who just started driving is crazy.
Not if you can afford it, and you want your kid to be as safe as possible
Load More Replies...Do not consider lying to your son to protect the non-existent reputation of his father. I do think a $34k "first car" is too much - my SIL bought her daughter at $50k SUV, which she promptly wreck. Buy him a reasonable car and be honest about it. Let him be responsible for buying the car of his dreams.
Oh no, a mother who can afford it buys her son a new car! Imagine! How very dare she! A new car, that doesn't break down on his way to school, and which he well may be mature enough to drive (remember - his MOTHER. She might know her child). Oh, the horror! Guys, your jealousy is showing, and it STINKS!
If she wants to do it, fine. But I drive a totally reliable 13 year old car. Just bc a car is used doesn't mean it's unreliable. Personally I'd give my child my car and buy the new car for myself. But that's bc I know what a crappy driver I was as a teenager.
Load More Replies..."doesn't want to get into a monthly obligation" did it for me. YOU HAVE A CHILD, SIR.
Not my place to judge her choice of buying a new car for a teenager. She earned the money; she can choose how to spend it. But she does not need to do anything to pad the ego of the deadbeat dad. He made his own choices. Personally, I have not gotten to where I planned to in life. But that's on me. I don't expect anyone to make me feel better about it. And I'm damned grateful I never had a child who had to deal with my screw-ups. Kudos on the mum for getting herself together and providing. If the dad wasn't ready to provide and be an adult, he should have kept it in his pants.
NTA. It's not OP's job to sacrifice so that deadbeat dad can "look good" to their son. It's dad's job to do that through his own actions. (And she had better ensure that her son knows that no one else is to drive his car. If she allowed dad to pay even that tiny amount, he would feel he owns it and can drive it.)
I've read some of the comments regarding you buying an expensive car, IGNORE THEM. it's a beautiful gift. He will remember forever and will appreciate how much it meant to you to be able to do this for him. The aunt is a jerk. Lyn, Tasmania, Australia
Geez, the amount of people complaining about OP buying an expensive car for her son amazes me. Why does it bother you so much? This is not your child and not your money. If OP can afford it and is willing to buy that car for her son, then that's it. Sitting here complaining about it won't change a thing.
I had the same situation...My daughters "father" was absent almost all her life, makes a visit to try to be superdad for a day. He promised her a car and never got it. So I bought her a very nice Nissan Sentra for her 18th birthday and had it delivered to her by Carvana. Took pics and video of the whole thing and posted it on Facebook and she said I'm the best mom and dad a kid could ever have.
Tell ex & his sister to spend that $160 on car supplies: tire gauge, jumper cables, cleaning supplies, etc. They can afford that, it's stuff he'll need & use, he'll be happy dad even remembered... No way should mom let them be part of HER gift. As for the naysayers, she knows her son best & it's her money. Leave it be. She didn't ask what anyone thought about it.
Definitely NTA. Just tell her no and don't answer her or block her.
Some of those posts are just flat out ridiculous. How do you have a child at 16, work your a*s off to raise them, go to school at the same time and have the intelligence to come out on top, yet this same woman doesn't know that she's not the AH for saying no to her ex trying to scam his way on to a massive present that she's paying for? C'mon. Do you really not know if your deadbeat ex - that you've described as a professional deadbeat - is a deadbeat and you don't have to supplement them or their ego? How do you get to that point in your life and not know this?
This is your moment with your son. If his dad wants a moment, he’s perfectly free to create one but you aren’t doing it for him. His sister needs to stop enabling him and mind her own business. . Btw, make sure the insurance and your son are very clear that his dad is not to be driving the car - he seems like the type would pressure his son into letting him use it most of the time until it’s like you bought your ex a car.
I think the sister, and most likely their parents too, are the contributing factors why that guy doesn't get his s**t together. They're enablers, stepping up every time he feels bad, reassure him no matter how hard he fails and how much it's his own fault and pressure others to let him feel special and proud despite being a deadbeat. Thus for he believes that he's above his situation, 'deserves better' and keeps waiting for success coming for him without actually doing anything useful. If OP helps feeding into that, she risks giving a skewed perspective to her own son. Together with the tendency of people like her ex to exaggerate their own accomplishments and also the impact of external factors, contributing everything that's wrong in their lifes to bad luck, bad circumstances and other people alone, no matter how much they've lacked themselves, she risks giving her son a confirmation of his fathers narrative that the whole world is working against him. He's also most likely downplaying OP's success, giving reasons why he had it so much harder than her. If she lets him pretend he's part of the gift she allows him to pretend he's part of her success. That would taint the gift. Right now that car is proof that she's successful enough to afford it and can serve as a motivation for the son to follow his mom's footsteps to become successful. But if she allows loser dad to 'chip in' and pretend he was contributing, she risks giving the impression that hard work doesn't matter and could make her son vulnerable to develop the same bad habits by believing his father was successful enough to pitch in to buy a Camaro while not even doing the bare minimum to hold a job. This could even make him resentful against his mom, if deadbeat dad can free more time for him while mom always 'chooses' work. People claim a 17 year old would be to smart to fall for that. But here we have an adult sister falling for it. There's no base to assume an emotional teenager would be better suited to see the truth when even his sister can't see how she's enabling bad behaviour and reassuring a picture of grandeur that just isn't there. If OP doesn't step up to show her son his father's flaws, there's a high risk of her son getting the wrong impression. After all, it happened to his father too.
NTA. But I would rethink the car. Numerous reasons. None to do with his dad or aunt. A. He probably won’t take great care of it, first cars are a learning experience in so many ways. Spend like, 5k, top up the savings for a new car in a few years or college fund, or house deposit. B. If he hadn’t had to work for it, seen his “dad” skate by, it could affect his work ethic? Also tell the other side of his family that it’s not a competition. And it’s not their business how you treat your son.
Do not cover up what a piece of s**t your son's father is. Son will figure it out in time on his own. It is your job to guide and protect your son, and take care of yourself while doing so.
My first thought was also, "who buys a brand new first-car for their kid?" But I'm really trying to stop that sort of thinking. I used to convince myself that I thought that for purely realistic reasons, but that's not 100% true. I'm not discounting those reasons as implausible, but more often than not it's good ol' envy making me judge people who buy expensive things for their kids. If I could, I'd be buying the newest, bestest whatever for my kid regardless of cost.
Wow. Dirtbag contributes zilch for over 18 years (9 month pregnancy included) and now wants to get some glory. POS. Sister (auntie) too. They can get bent. He pissed away a free ride to college and couldnt even finish and now works mall jobs until the moment that he actually has to do something. Calling him a child would be an insult to actual children.
If the father was pitching in what he could afford because he wanted to be a good father, I'd say definitely let him do it. But it sounds like it's more about the father's ego than that he actually cares. NTA.
Drop contact with Exes sister. Of course she took his side. NTA. Father will try to mooch off son once son goes to college too I bet.
Why is the sister getting so involved? It's not her business! If the ex wants a better relationship with his kid, he's gotta work on himself first.
Wtf is wrong with that dad? You actually need to interact with your son if you actually want him to feel close to you. Not just chip in with $160. Also, the financial struggle is completely his fault.
Nta but I desperately need to know how you stretch out orientation videos for months without getting canned????
F**k that!! She's buying it with her money and sounds like he hasn't made a child support payment in his life! $180 won't cover half of one car payment
Never ever buy your teenager a brand new 34k car unless you are rolling in dough. They are not used to driving a car and sooner rather than later they will wreck it. Get them a used car instead so it wouldn’t be a huge financial loss when they wreck it. Hopefully her kid is a careful driver and knows how to take care of things.
NTA. OP is in the right rejecting her ex's "generous" offer of $160(?!) towards a $34,000 car. What a joke. He's a grown man with a middle-school mentality, and his sister is his enabler. Those two should be avoided at ALL costs. It would only be a matter of time before one or both of them try to guilt the boy into "loaning" them his car. The ex can't even afford to pay the monthly insurance premiums; if (or should I say, when?) he gets into an accident, guess who's footing the bills? The ex and his aunt would ghost OP and her son so fast, they'd leave skid marks. "No" should be the automatic answer to any of the ex's requests. It wouldn't be a bad idea to go NC with him, after explaining the situation to her son. Chances are he's already aware of what that side of the family is all about, and may be less likely to want to bond with them.
I agree about the father's contribution. Aside from that, it's a Camry. It will last forever. Buy a 2020 model and set aside the thousands you will save for his college fund.
Ugh, if I'm reading the post right , there are hell of lot of issues here. 1) The ex wants to be part of buying a brand new car. Well, no. He has no right. 2). A 17 yo has no right to a $34k vehicle. Stop it! 3). The kid, apparently, do not want to work at a Home Depot after watching a job interview video? Well, s**t, he's acting like his daddy. Get that worked out!.... This "family" has lot more problem then car purchase issues. I hope they talk and get it worked out. The young kid needs much better parenting from both sides!
Seriously, who buys a 34k ''first car'' for his/her son ? Most of us struggle to buy a 3k Banger or lease a 150€ compact
I was going to say the same. It's a really sweet gesture. But no 17 year old needs a brand new car.
Load More Replies...Obviously NTA, but buying a brand new car for a 17 year old who just started driving is crazy.
Not if you can afford it, and you want your kid to be as safe as possible
Load More Replies...Do not consider lying to your son to protect the non-existent reputation of his father. I do think a $34k "first car" is too much - my SIL bought her daughter at $50k SUV, which she promptly wreck. Buy him a reasonable car and be honest about it. Let him be responsible for buying the car of his dreams.
Oh no, a mother who can afford it buys her son a new car! Imagine! How very dare she! A new car, that doesn't break down on his way to school, and which he well may be mature enough to drive (remember - his MOTHER. She might know her child). Oh, the horror! Guys, your jealousy is showing, and it STINKS!
If she wants to do it, fine. But I drive a totally reliable 13 year old car. Just bc a car is used doesn't mean it's unreliable. Personally I'd give my child my car and buy the new car for myself. But that's bc I know what a crappy driver I was as a teenager.
Load More Replies..."doesn't want to get into a monthly obligation" did it for me. YOU HAVE A CHILD, SIR.
Not my place to judge her choice of buying a new car for a teenager. She earned the money; she can choose how to spend it. But she does not need to do anything to pad the ego of the deadbeat dad. He made his own choices. Personally, I have not gotten to where I planned to in life. But that's on me. I don't expect anyone to make me feel better about it. And I'm damned grateful I never had a child who had to deal with my screw-ups. Kudos on the mum for getting herself together and providing. If the dad wasn't ready to provide and be an adult, he should have kept it in his pants.
NTA. It's not OP's job to sacrifice so that deadbeat dad can "look good" to their son. It's dad's job to do that through his own actions. (And she had better ensure that her son knows that no one else is to drive his car. If she allowed dad to pay even that tiny amount, he would feel he owns it and can drive it.)
I've read some of the comments regarding you buying an expensive car, IGNORE THEM. it's a beautiful gift. He will remember forever and will appreciate how much it meant to you to be able to do this for him. The aunt is a jerk. Lyn, Tasmania, Australia
Geez, the amount of people complaining about OP buying an expensive car for her son amazes me. Why does it bother you so much? This is not your child and not your money. If OP can afford it and is willing to buy that car for her son, then that's it. Sitting here complaining about it won't change a thing.
I had the same situation...My daughters "father" was absent almost all her life, makes a visit to try to be superdad for a day. He promised her a car and never got it. So I bought her a very nice Nissan Sentra for her 18th birthday and had it delivered to her by Carvana. Took pics and video of the whole thing and posted it on Facebook and she said I'm the best mom and dad a kid could ever have.
Tell ex & his sister to spend that $160 on car supplies: tire gauge, jumper cables, cleaning supplies, etc. They can afford that, it's stuff he'll need & use, he'll be happy dad even remembered... No way should mom let them be part of HER gift. As for the naysayers, she knows her son best & it's her money. Leave it be. She didn't ask what anyone thought about it.
Definitely NTA. Just tell her no and don't answer her or block her.
Some of those posts are just flat out ridiculous. How do you have a child at 16, work your a*s off to raise them, go to school at the same time and have the intelligence to come out on top, yet this same woman doesn't know that she's not the AH for saying no to her ex trying to scam his way on to a massive present that she's paying for? C'mon. Do you really not know if your deadbeat ex - that you've described as a professional deadbeat - is a deadbeat and you don't have to supplement them or their ego? How do you get to that point in your life and not know this?
This is your moment with your son. If his dad wants a moment, he’s perfectly free to create one but you aren’t doing it for him. His sister needs to stop enabling him and mind her own business. . Btw, make sure the insurance and your son are very clear that his dad is not to be driving the car - he seems like the type would pressure his son into letting him use it most of the time until it’s like you bought your ex a car.
I think the sister, and most likely their parents too, are the contributing factors why that guy doesn't get his s**t together. They're enablers, stepping up every time he feels bad, reassure him no matter how hard he fails and how much it's his own fault and pressure others to let him feel special and proud despite being a deadbeat. Thus for he believes that he's above his situation, 'deserves better' and keeps waiting for success coming for him without actually doing anything useful. If OP helps feeding into that, she risks giving a skewed perspective to her own son. Together with the tendency of people like her ex to exaggerate their own accomplishments and also the impact of external factors, contributing everything that's wrong in their lifes to bad luck, bad circumstances and other people alone, no matter how much they've lacked themselves, she risks giving her son a confirmation of his fathers narrative that the whole world is working against him. He's also most likely downplaying OP's success, giving reasons why he had it so much harder than her. If she lets him pretend he's part of the gift she allows him to pretend he's part of her success. That would taint the gift. Right now that car is proof that she's successful enough to afford it and can serve as a motivation for the son to follow his mom's footsteps to become successful. But if she allows loser dad to 'chip in' and pretend he was contributing, she risks giving the impression that hard work doesn't matter and could make her son vulnerable to develop the same bad habits by believing his father was successful enough to pitch in to buy a Camaro while not even doing the bare minimum to hold a job. This could even make him resentful against his mom, if deadbeat dad can free more time for him while mom always 'chooses' work. People claim a 17 year old would be to smart to fall for that. But here we have an adult sister falling for it. There's no base to assume an emotional teenager would be better suited to see the truth when even his sister can't see how she's enabling bad behaviour and reassuring a picture of grandeur that just isn't there. If OP doesn't step up to show her son his father's flaws, there's a high risk of her son getting the wrong impression. After all, it happened to his father too.
NTA. But I would rethink the car. Numerous reasons. None to do with his dad or aunt. A. He probably won’t take great care of it, first cars are a learning experience in so many ways. Spend like, 5k, top up the savings for a new car in a few years or college fund, or house deposit. B. If he hadn’t had to work for it, seen his “dad” skate by, it could affect his work ethic? Also tell the other side of his family that it’s not a competition. And it’s not their business how you treat your son.
Do not cover up what a piece of s**t your son's father is. Son will figure it out in time on his own. It is your job to guide and protect your son, and take care of yourself while doing so.
My first thought was also, "who buys a brand new first-car for their kid?" But I'm really trying to stop that sort of thinking. I used to convince myself that I thought that for purely realistic reasons, but that's not 100% true. I'm not discounting those reasons as implausible, but more often than not it's good ol' envy making me judge people who buy expensive things for their kids. If I could, I'd be buying the newest, bestest whatever for my kid regardless of cost.
Wow. Dirtbag contributes zilch for over 18 years (9 month pregnancy included) and now wants to get some glory. POS. Sister (auntie) too. They can get bent. He pissed away a free ride to college and couldnt even finish and now works mall jobs until the moment that he actually has to do something. Calling him a child would be an insult to actual children.
If the father was pitching in what he could afford because he wanted to be a good father, I'd say definitely let him do it. But it sounds like it's more about the father's ego than that he actually cares. NTA.
Drop contact with Exes sister. Of course she took his side. NTA. Father will try to mooch off son once son goes to college too I bet.
Why is the sister getting so involved? It's not her business! If the ex wants a better relationship with his kid, he's gotta work on himself first.
Wtf is wrong with that dad? You actually need to interact with your son if you actually want him to feel close to you. Not just chip in with $160. Also, the financial struggle is completely his fault.
Nta but I desperately need to know how you stretch out orientation videos for months without getting canned????
F**k that!! She's buying it with her money and sounds like he hasn't made a child support payment in his life! $180 won't cover half of one car payment
Never ever buy your teenager a brand new 34k car unless you are rolling in dough. They are not used to driving a car and sooner rather than later they will wreck it. Get them a used car instead so it wouldn’t be a huge financial loss when they wreck it. Hopefully her kid is a careful driver and knows how to take care of things.
NTA. OP is in the right rejecting her ex's "generous" offer of $160(?!) towards a $34,000 car. What a joke. He's a grown man with a middle-school mentality, and his sister is his enabler. Those two should be avoided at ALL costs. It would only be a matter of time before one or both of them try to guilt the boy into "loaning" them his car. The ex can't even afford to pay the monthly insurance premiums; if (or should I say, when?) he gets into an accident, guess who's footing the bills? The ex and his aunt would ghost OP and her son so fast, they'd leave skid marks. "No" should be the automatic answer to any of the ex's requests. It wouldn't be a bad idea to go NC with him, after explaining the situation to her son. Chances are he's already aware of what that side of the family is all about, and may be less likely to want to bond with them.
I agree about the father's contribution. Aside from that, it's a Camry. It will last forever. Buy a 2020 model and set aside the thousands you will save for his college fund.
Ugh, if I'm reading the post right , there are hell of lot of issues here. 1) The ex wants to be part of buying a brand new car. Well, no. He has no right. 2). A 17 yo has no right to a $34k vehicle. Stop it! 3). The kid, apparently, do not want to work at a Home Depot after watching a job interview video? Well, s**t, he's acting like his daddy. Get that worked out!.... This "family" has lot more problem then car purchase issues. I hope they talk and get it worked out. The young kid needs much better parenting from both sides!
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