“Am I A Jerk For Telling My Brother Off When He Berated My Daughter For Not Changing Her Cousin’s Diaper?”
One good turn deserves another. You ought to repay kindness with kindness. Well, ideally. But often it can be hard to know when to lend someone a helping hand and when to say ‘no’ and enforce healthy boundaries. Things can get especially murky, emotionally, when dealing with your relatives whom you love and care about.
Redditor u/Throwaway22155722 shared a story about the sensitive situation they and their daughter are currently in. They’re being evicted by the OP’s brother and his girlfriend, who had agreed to let them stay after the redditor’s divorce. And it all happened because of a single dirty diaper that wasn’t changed. You’ll find the full story below, dear Pandas. Scroll down, have a read, and share your opinions in the comments. Do you think that anyone was in the wrong here? What would you have done?
An 18-year-old refusing to change her cousin’s diaper led to a major argument in the family
Image source: Janko Ferlič (not the actual photo)
Her parent shared exactly what happened in a viral post on the AITA online community
Image source: Timur Weber (not the actual photo)
Image source: Throwaway22155722
The author of the post wanted to get the AITA online community’s opinion on who was wrong in this particular case. The OP was unsure if they should have called out their brother, who’d berated their daughter. This happened because the 18-year-old didn’t want to change her cousin’s diaper. This devolved into a major argument, with tempers flaring on all sides.
The end result? The brother’s girlfriend got involved and gave their two guests two weeks to pack their bags and move out.
At the time of writing, most redditors believed that there weren’t any jerks in this case. That’s quite a rare occurrence: usually, in these types of stories, there’s a (more or less) clear hero and villain. Not so in this case. It seems like pretty much everyone had good reason to act like they did. However, that doesn’t mean that other internet users didn’t have strong opinions one way or the other. Some thought the OP was a jerk; others deemed that they did nothing wrong; while some even believed that absolutely everyone was to blame.
Unfortunately, the end result isn’t one that’s going to benefit anyone. Especially not the OP and their daughter. Hopefully, everyone will be able to move past the incident. Eventually.
When it comes to close family members, it’s often best to try and resolve any issues in a calm and collected manner. But in practice, tempers can—and do—rise. After all, it’s a very human desire to be understood. It’s also very human to believe that our position is the sensible one: it’s everyone else who’s got it a tad backwards! But, at the end of the day, you have to weigh what your goals are. Would you rather be right? Or would you prefer to be happy?
It’s usually best to find some sort of compromise and meet your loved ones halfway. There’s really nothing better on offer than having an honest conversation about how everyone feels and what kind of behavior irked them. It might feel awkward. It might not be pleasant. But it’s pretty much the only way to find a proper solution to similar situations. And, frankly, it’s better than the alternative: fragmenting the entire family.
Try to think about things from a macro scale. In fifty or so years, would you rather everyone apologized to each other and found a way to coexist? Or would you have been proud that everyone got into a huge argument, and everyone drifted apart?
Very Well Mind suggests that you take a look at how your arguments usually go. Try to identify the patterns. Then, consider how you’d like the conversation to go. Think about the entire tone of the interaction, and try to bypass how you would usually react (e.g. by being overly defensive, immediately flaring up, etc.). Then, try and lead the entire situation in a more positive, less hostile direction.
Meanwhile, the Better Health Channels notes that you can try to find some common ground between you. What’s more, it’s vital to actively listen to the other side. Everyone wants to be heard; but often, we’re so busy trying to ‘win’ the conversation and have everyone’s attention on us that we forget it’s a discussion, not a monologue.
People’s opinions were split on the topic. Some thought that the author of the post did nothing wrong
Other internet users, however, believed that the 18-year-old’s parent was to blame for the entire situation
Some even thought that absolutely everyone was to blame for the drama
If you've never changed a diaper it can be a bigger task and mess than it seems to someone more experienced. What would happen if this family didn't have their extended kin around? This dad would've had to go tend to his baby, anyways, or might've just left her to cry in a dirty diaper. That wasn't a "favour" if the dad blew up like that. It sounds like an opportunistic expectation. The parent and 18 yr old should just move out anyways. They're going through enough turmoil and don't need to put up with a grown man's temper tantrum because of their choices to have a baby while both needing to work, and deciding on working from home.... with a baby. Btw, a baby cam is not a babysitter. If there were a real emergency or something was wrong with the baby, he would have still had to cut that meeting short. Did he lose his job over it? Get in trouble? Just like a lot of mothers who work from home and outside, being a working parent means you sometimes have to put your kids as top priority.
This. I am 35 and have never had to change a diaper and would absolutely not feel able to do so without help.
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NTA. You should never ask someone to change a diaper that has never done it before. Someone said it's a task that takes 3-5 minutes. Yeah..if you know what you're doing and where everything is. As far as the Father of the baby having to drop out of the meeting and got kicked out...he's full of c**p. Webex and Zoom meetings have where you can stop your video and audio. Just make an excuse "Someone's at the door. brb." If the daughters diaper changing only would take 3-5 minutes, then he could have easily done it and have been back in the meeting before anyone missed him. He just expected free nanny services out of his niece.
Exactly. And, he already had the daughter scheduled in to change diaper. HE is TA
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Lack of communication from all parts here. But to solve the situation, isnt people allowed bathroom breaks even at meeting? He could have said he needed to pee if he wasnt comfortable telling them he cyanged diapers.
its called asertiveness, apparently the brother does not have it
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I'm astounded by the YTA votes. The daughter should be a nurse because...why? Maybe helping out around the house in other matters, okay. But if she doesn't want to touch a baby she shouldn't have to. Do you even want someone that young who has never even touched a baby (and doesn't want to) taking care of yours? Wth people. I would NEVER ask someone else to take care of my dog, let alone someone who said "I don't like dogs"!
I'm not 18, I'm 30, and I have no idea how to change a f*****g diaper. I don't like babies, never had to spend time around them, so of course I don't know. This 18 yo might not know either. That's not something everyone learns at school.
She could have asked em to show her, offered to learn it, to help, because they let em stay for free. You do whatever because you're so grateful. If he had asked her to change the tire of his truck, okay, that's a bit much.
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I’m kinda confused. If you are wfh and also your child’s sole caregiver, wouldn’t you have plans in place for issues that come up during Zoom meetings? But also sounds like they over stayed their welcome. Either step up communication or move out.
Another adult is in the house. Probably would have scheduled the meeting at another time or it ran long. No big deal, other reasonable adult would/should help out. Oh no “I’m not your childcare, I’m scared of babies and poop and I’m going to the mall with my friends, so sorry my baby niece needs help. Oh well too bad, oh by the way, can you turn down the air conditioning, it’s hot outside, and I’d like steak for supper “! Man shouldn’t have even had to ask the girl, she should have volunteered. The excuse if being uncomfortable should have been solved the day she moved in. She should have OFFERED to help (and learn if she’s so pathetic that she can’t figure it out by herself) on day one of moving in!
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How do you tell a baby needs a nappy change on a nanny cam? Either it'd be ages since he changed the baby or it was an explosive mess everywhere or really full, at which point totally get a teenager saying no. And why did he get kicked out the meeting? Surely a quick "sorry my baby needs my attention for a minute, I'll be right back" should've been enough to prevent that? - how was he expecting to handle a baby and his meeting in the first place? Babies aren't known for their ability to cater to your schedule so he must've known there was a good chance the baby would interrupt his meeting at some point? He would've been quicker just dealing with the nappy and avoided this drama. Asking for a favour is five, but you need to accept that the person you're asking us within their right to say no without being screamed at for it. As a mother of 4 I still wouldn't be thrilled to change someone else's baby
His job knows he has a child. He could have excused himself for a few moments to deal with it. Now if it happens and you aren't there then hes gonna have to do it regardless. He asked. She said she wasn't comfortable so he should have tapped a pause on the meeting an did it anyway.
He wasn't asking her to babysit the child. He was asking her to do it as a one-off favor. If she said she couldn't because she had to go to a job interview or school that's one thing. Her excuse was she didn't know how (look it up) and she had to get ready for a party (not a priority). She's ungrateful that they gave her a roof over her head and this confirms it.
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Why do people think it's ok to force someone to care for their child(ren)? If someone is not ok dealing with kids, do you really think it's wise to make them? Do you really care that little for your kid that you would force then, in ANY capacity, to tend to them? It could be BS but if the young lady said she wasn't comfortable changing the diaper then let it go! Because if she was telling the truth and something somehow went wrong then you now have to deal with the aftermath of the situation.
It seems this escalated quickly from will you change the nappy because I'm in a meeting to find somewhere new to live, so I suspect the girlfriend's feelings of lack of gratitude from OP and his daughter had probably been simmering a while. OP was NTA for standing up to his daughter, but I don't think it was unreasonable for OP's brother to make the request in the first place (though he should have accepted the refusal better). Besides, if the nappy had only been filled just a couple of minutes later, or OP's daughter had left on time, then OP's brother would have been alone with the baby and would have still had to change the nappy. He should have just excused himself from the meeting, with out without an honest explanation as to the reason he needed a break. Or failing that, disconnect his own internet access and pretend an IT issue which was 'rectified' as soon as the nappy had been changed.
Yeah, he should have planned for a sitter to be honest. Say the 18 year old did help before with the kid, it was wrong of him to expect her to deal with it as she was literally heading out the door with people who were WAITING on her.
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Stuff like that needs to be discussed beforehand. I'm 32 and I never touched or held a baby and I wouldn't have done this either. If someone is really uncomfortable with small kids don't force it, it will not go well.
“I’ll gladly take you and your daughter in. Not a problem at all. We’d be happy to have you. Just remember, you do what I ask when I ask regardless if you’re capable and comfortable. No questions asked.” - Quid pro quo favors & support are by no means favorable or supportive. They’re typically sanctimonious. - Have a friend who’d never touched a baby nor been very near one. Closest he came was on a plane, which caused him to shake nervously & become nauseated. He has a genuine phobia of accidentally hurting them; breaking them. If OP & daughter we’re typically involved in household & supportive, this was d**k move on part of the new parents.
“Oh thank you so much for letting me stay in your home which is also where you work and are watching a new baby…. But don’t ask me to help out at all because my life is my own and you should just plan better.” Typical entitled houseguest. I’ve lived with family for extended periods before, and the proper thing to do is learn their routine and offer to pitch in where possible. It doesn’t make you a servant, and it doesn’t make it “transactional”, rather it’s basic respect and appreciation. This girl lives with these folks for three months and never learned to change a diaper? Come on.
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Neither the OP nor the daughter is the AH. The brother verbally abused his niece for refusing to change his baby's diaper, and that was unnecessary; what is even more egregious than that is the gf demanding that the OP and daughter move out in 2 weeks because the daughter didn't feel comfortable with changing a diaper because she didn't know how. She may have been afraid of hurting the baby due to her inexperience around babies and small children.
Yes and if that happened now the 18 year old would risk legal problems that could ruin the rest of her life. Look at the big picture not down the little tunnel.
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This 18y/o "didn't feel comfortable" is a lousy excuse. Watch a youtube video to learn how. They had been living there for THREE months and in that time that adult daughter NEVER ONCE offered to learn and be of use to the people who were allowing her to live there for free?? OP is AH as is her daughter.
This all the way. Thank you. I don’t like to read into these kind of things too much but I agree with other comments that speculate that this guy and his daughter probably weren’t the best houseguests over the last three months and this was probably the straw that broke the camels back.
Load More Replies... Have these people not heard of de-escalation? Sure kick someone out and post on Reddit. Instead of you know, talking it out and apologizing to each other
Has the daughter ever changed a diaper in her life? If yes, she should have done it. If no, then I can understand. If someone is giving you a place to stay, you should help them when asked. I don't care if it wasn't explicitly discussed beforehand. He shouldn't have yelled at the girl, but she should have helped because he's helping them.
I changed a diaper once in my life, but I can assure you that you do not want me to change your baby's diaper. I threw up in my mouth. Not everyone can handle poop.
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WOW!! NTA, NTA, NTA!!! His baby is his own responsibility and there's no way he flipped out like that ONLY over such a small thing. There is something else going on with this dude that he was berating his brothers daughter. What an a$$!! OP should take his daughter, and leave these toxic people behind!
Since he was free loading he really didn’t want to. Much better to let someone else provide housing while you and your daughter sit on your butts!
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I'm puzzled why a parent expect some inexperienced teen to care for their kids' Gene Tails despite them stating they are uncomfortable doing so? I was SAd by people my parents shouldn't have trusted btw, so don't come at me
Nevermind how neurotic most people are about their first kid.
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I wonder if people would think like they do, if the daughter was changed to a son... Sorry peeps, but asking to change your kid makes you an irresponsible parent. And yes, I have changed my friend's baby, but I know how to and offered to help.
Now that I think about it, if niece had been nephew, bet he wouldn't have asked.
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Not the a*****e. Sure, the brother is reasonable for expecting help around the house for letting his sibling and niece stay but that's like doing the dishes, getting groceries e.c.t. He can't demand the daughter change a diaper. I'm 22, an only child in a small family, I have never been around kids or have my own. I've never had to change a diaper and would have no idea what to do. If I was put in the daughter's situation I would be extremely uncomfortable, I wouldn't want to do it wrong or hurt the baby. It is extremely unfair to demand that someone do something, unsupervised, that they've never had to do before. Especially as she was going out herself anyway and should have to postpone what she's doing.
I think people should just stop with its not their responsibility or it's their responsibility stuff already. Just be decent humans and help each other when needed..even if it's uncomfortable sometimes. Get over who's to blame game and just do right by each other. Damn
Based on you logic, the uncle should have been more understanding towards his niece's feelings. The man should have got up and changed his own child's diaper, you know like a parent would.
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I gotta go with YTA. Mostly because your brother is doing you a huge favor letting you and your daughter live with him. He was clearly busy in a meeting trying to make money. Instead of just helping him out and changing the babies diaper (which by the way is not rocket science) your daughter refused saying she wasn’t comfortable? I can only imagine if she’s comfortable now with the situation she’s created? Maybe next time step up and push your discomfort aside and just help out. Before my son was born I never changed a diaper either, but I figured it out no instructions needed. Just common sense really. You made your bed..
Yo, I'll change your baby's diaper as long as you know I risk puking on the baby.
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NAH. Everyone has a valid argument here except the brother’s girlfriend for kicking them out over something so insignificant. It was a small one time favor but also completely repulsive and unnecessary.
You'll notice we only got one side of the story. My guess is there was a lot more going on, uncle and his girlfriend felt like they were being used and sponged off, and got tired of it.
Load More Replies... I never changed a diaper until I had my kid in my late 20s. I wouldn't have felt comfortable around a baby before that. I was terrified of taking my daughter out of the house alone, because I never had any real experience with a baby. There's other ways she can contribute if she's not comfortable with a baby. That boundary should have been established at the beginning. Also, it's rude to ask someone a favor if they're literally heading out the door who have people waiting. His lack of planning is not her responsibility. At the end of the day, it's his and his gf's responsibility to establish childcare and plan ahead. What was he supposed to do if nobody else was home? He's the AH. It's unreasonable to expect anyone who isn't comfortable with babies/kids to take care of them.
When I was a teenager, my baby niece came to live with us. Her poopy diapers really grossed me out and I refused to change them. You can’t expect an 18 year old to have adult feelings and values - she’s not quite an adult herself. As adults, the brother and his wife ATAH for insisting the girl do something that she’s not comfortable with. If she was not averse to diapers, they could ask her but how can they expect her to be an adult who understands responsibility and maturity. She’s kind of still a kid and you can’t ask her to step up for something that gross. Poopy diapers are very gross! I guess we don’t know if they were poopy or just wet but still………
Did she already know how to do it? Maybe a moment when she is on her way out the door and you are not available to demonstrate is not the time to learn! Was participation in childcare previously negotiated or did he just assume women would want and know how to do it?
Jumped on here to point out that had the daughter been a son, the diaper request would likely not have been issued. Women (even female children) are flat out expected to do this labor, and often free of charge when men and boys are expected to not know how or not be interested/responsible for such things. Case in point: the man couldn't just step out of his meeting for 3 minutes to change a diaper and no provision was made for his need to do so, as he is the father, not the mother. Workplaces expect men to be 100% hands off when it comes to kids and 100% available regardless of whether or not they are parents. And instead of challenging this, he expected the nearest available woman to do the job. From his reaction to her refusal, this was NOT a request, but rather an expectation. He's the AH.
To be fair, the baby's mother ALSO must have expected the niece to change this diaper as well, as instead of inquiring her SO about why he didn't take that three minutes to do so, she seemed to be backing him in expecting that service from the niece. Props for backing up her partner, but yikes in not asking the right questions--instead of working herself into a tiff and lashing out just because he couldn't reign in the temper long enough to talk it out.
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Nta. I get the kids discomfort. I'd be uncomfortable/anxious too. I get wanting help but don't scream at her
Ok tbh I get anxious really easily so that might be the reason
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OP is NTA. They weren't there. Baby Daddy's priority is HIS baby, OP priority is THEIR daughter. Nothing was said about whether OP and daughter help out in other ways, cooking, cleaning, dishes etc. THAT I expect, changing diapers as an inexperienced 18 year old, no. Especially if it's dirty rather than just wet.
Being asked to change a diaper once seems a small price to pay for living in their home. Changing diapers isn't rocket science.
Not eveyone is comfortable with changing diapers or with handling babies depending on the age, I don't know how to hold young babies and I'm scared of holding them, I'm absolutely disgusted by changing diapers that just seeing a baby get changed (not even the actual poop) makes me want to throw up, just because it's easy or doable for some people doesn't mean it's the same for everyone, when it's your child you might be able to force yourself to do all these, but when it's someone else's child then it's way more difficult. Maybe they pay for living in the house in itehr ways, no details were mentioned about it.
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YNTA The brother was definitely out of line. He could have changed the baby before the meeting. What would he have done being home alone with the baby? He would have had to still change the diaper. I babysat starting at the age of 12 so for me it wouldn't have been a problem but everyone is different. It's to bad they re acted this way. Sounds like he needs a better Job where they understand family and parents and if they make good money they could hire a nanny for reasons like this.
I am one of those people who cannot handle another person's p1ss or sh1t. I don't have kids, never wanted kids, will never have kids. I could not change a messy diaper. I would vomit. Why anyone would want someone uncomfortable with babies anywhere near their baby is beyond me. What would he have done if he was the only one home? Yes, the mom and daughter should pitch in around the house and help with chores. Childcare isn't a chore it's a responsibility. And you don't just expect that people can change diapers or even want to or can even stomach doing it. Him and his sister are a******s and the poor daughter got caught in the crossfire. He shouldn't have berated his niece and his sister shouldn't have yelled at her brother and his girlfriend. Seems the girlfriend and the 18yo daughter are the only non a******s in this story. Except the baby, but the baby could be an a*****e. LOL.
How often is this baby just...left while both parents do other things? Like...8 month olds require care and human connection. I understand getting some work done when baby sleeps or needing to hop into something for 10 or 15 minutes. But like....child care can't be done at the same time as a required meeting. If baby started to cry would she be left? How long since she's actually had a human being to connect with, to play to teach her the world is safe and she matters. Sigh. Hopefully I'm reading this wrong and it's a one time situation.
The first question that popped into my mind was if the dad would have expected the same if OP's child had been an 18yo BOY. Just because she is female that does not mean that she has special skills to deal with a baby. If she has never changed diapers before (and there are a lot of young parents that don't let anybody else touch their precious offspring) this is not something you confidently "just pick up as you go" without somebody there to show you. Maybe she is deadly afraid of dropping the baby? While it is true that it is nice of the couple to let OP and their daugther live with them - that is unrelated. Did they agree on babysitting services? If she had left five minutes earlier dad would have had to deal with the baby anyway. And why was he kicked out of the meeting just because he was afk for five minutes? That sounds redicoulus. I think he was in a bad mood and took it out on OP's daughter. Better if they now find separate housing.
I am a 45 year old woman and **gasp** have NO IDEA how to change a diaper. In my 20s a cousin thought it'd be funny to make me change his daughter, and when I did it wrong I got made fun of, complete with rolled eyes. Not to mention the numerous people who think it's funny to plop a baby in your lap and walk away, meanwhile the baby is wiggling and you are silently praying you don't drop them. Definitely NTA.
If SO's daughter had been a son, would her brother have expected HIM to change the nappy? I think not.
Sure. A one time "favor." Judging by the setupvthey already had I don't buy it. The moment parents like these learn they can push the less fun responsibilities of parenthood off onto others, they do. Also, unless it's part of the agreement, just because someone is living with you doesn't mean they now share responsibility for YOUR child. Either way Op's brother was fine dealing with the baby on his own before they moved in, and he'll have to figure that out again now.
The bottom line is, if there are people waiting for me outside, then I'm just as busy as you are, and you're not allowed to ask me to do chores right then. Of course she said 'no'.
If it was a 18M would the same demand have been made? My guess is NO
What would he have done if his niece hadn't been there to ask? That's right, he would have excused himself from the meeting and changed the diaper himself, because that's what he signed up for when he became a parent. Sure, it would have been nice if she did it, since she was there while he was in the meeting, but still not her responsibility. Clearly it wasn't communicated well that there would be strings attached to having them living there. Getting angry with her is no way to foster cooperation for future situations.
I have my doubts that it would be "just this once". I would wonder if it's planned emotional incompetence and task creep, and if she did it once, all of a sudden, she'd be on the hook to do it whenever it was convenient for him, never for her. Good for the daughter for standing up and leaving for an appointment she already had.
I've observed at one point or another kids are often someone else's burden. Some parents seem to do this out of entitlement, while others simply feel like they don't have a choice but to rely on others. I refuse to put myself or anyone else in that position. But if someone does choose to have kids, they must accept full responsibility for that child. In WFH situations, just because you are at home doesn't mean that you have time to care for your child if you are doing WFH correctly. Chances are this parent needs to find a way to get child care. So for that he is the AH. Now... if the mom and 18 year old which yes is still a child to the mom (but at 18 we are considered adults) are not contributing in other ways, then they're also the AH. I don't believe diaper changing is something that should be requested on the fly. If they expected child care in exchange, discussion should've been prior move in. Any and all expectations should've been discussed. It's possible that ETA.
I've seen many people comment that the daughter should have changed the diaper bcuz they were living there and not paying any of the bills etc etc. I reread it a few times and I didn't see where it was ever stated that the teen and her parent did or didn't pay any of the bills. So that is an assumption on a few of the post I've read. Therefore unless we know if they are actually paying their own way or not that's irrelevant. However no one I mean no one is going to set off on my child to the point they make my child cry. Nope SMH. Come to me with concerns regarding my daughter and I assure you they will be dealt with if it's necessary. But no one should berate another person's child IDC what they are to the child. Also i didn't see one comment regarding how this 18 year old girl was dealing with day to day living after her parents divorced. She's lost a parent lost her family unit, forced to move into a home with an infant that she probably wasn't accustomed to living with before. So s
And to some people changing a baby diaper or changing their clothes etc can be intimidating AH. My sister was shaking so bad the day we brought my nephew home from the hospital that I had to change him and get him dressed lol. Other folks can do it like they were born doing it. I'd much rather be told no than be told oops I dropped the baby. Lol. Yes thats a little extreme but her stranger things have happened lol. Praying it all works out for the best.
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Less about the diaper, more about how OP giving unwanted lecture. OP's daughter is not responsible on the baby, and so does her brother is not responsible on her
This is correct because of them both being adults.
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The daughter is not the reason OP and daughter are there, and mother is responsible. If there was an expectation of one off things, then walking through procedure just in case situation arises. Considering that babies need multiple diaper changes a day, it's not like this was totally unforeseen. A lot of communication issues. I think this is between brother, wife and sister. Sounds like communication is not good in the family and it cannot be ruled out that it was also a part of divorce.
Your brother and his wife are big pos. Do as requested leave and cut those worthless people out of your lives. They are not worth a second thought. Entitled because they help. They will fall from their high horse eventually. There are always bigger mountains around.
NOT,NOT,NOT THE A*****E who in the F**K do you think you are yelling at MY kid. You have something to say, say it to me and I WILL MAKE THE DETERMINATION IF MY KID NEEDS TO BE YELLED AT. You make my kid cry I will beat you within an inch of your miserable life and that goes double for that bastered momma that is shaking up with you ( that's right your not married). Like other have stated she is an adult, so as an adult she has the right to her own life. To me it sounds like you have made an expectation that this adult is obligated to stop and put her life on hold at A moments notice. Was A stipulation put in place that child care at any time was A requirement
No one should be expected to take care of a baby, if it is outside their comfort zone. The fact that she had an engagement, is irrelevant. Also, if you have had postal mail delivered, you are illegal resident. However, they may be able to evict you, depending on the legal rules, in your state.
Lets face the fact: if you do someone a favor, but then demand that person to do a particular stuff that person is uncomfortable with, or else the "favor" gets taken away, then its not really a favor
This happened to me in a way when I was in high school. I was asked to watch my nephew and I said no. My sister said she would just be 30 mins and he would probably sleep the whole time. I still said no. She went and got my mom and her dad and they slipped out of the house. I went downstairs for a snack and saw that the kid was left behind and no one else was there. I msgs my sister and she said they had to pick up some things. I said I'm not watching her kid. EIGHT HOURS LATER, they finally return. The kid did sleep the whole time...somehow, but they were mad at me for not changing him or taking care of him AT ALL. "Well he slept the whole time and you said you would be 20 mins max! EIGHT HOURS IS UNACCEPTABLE!" I got grounded for "Disrespecting my sister and not caring for her child properly". I started raising my little sister at 2 years old! I ain't gonna watch my older sisters kid just kuz I'm not 2 anymore! I refuse! NTA to you or your daughter. Their kid is their responsibility. I'm sure you're pitching in for bills so I'm sure it's not like you're doing nothing when you're there.
Probably be in the minority here, but I agree that OP and daughter should have helped out more. Were OP and daughter helping out with the house work and cleaning up either? I share a home in joint tenancy with my Mom and my younger brother and Sis in law. stay in the apartment at the back of our house and guess what?, we all pull together to help out. My step-dad even agreed to watch my sick daughter while we did my infant sons baby blessing. (Already been rescheduled twice.) When you are a part of a family and live together it's what you do. You take care of each other. We humans are a social race who need each other, none of our lives get to solely revolve around ourselves and others lives certainly do not revolve around us. Learning to change a diaper once in a blue moon would have been the kindest way to teach 18 that fact other wise life will teach her that fact...with a proverbial sledge hammer. (Life and reality are not by nature kind things) life is give and take, not just take
When you live together as a family you don't throw your sibling and niece out for not taking care of your baby.
Load More Replies... If she didn't know how to change a diaper, time to learn! What if it was something more important, such as choking or falling? Will she say my friends are waiting and scram? Pitch in. It's the decent thing to do, given the fact she is 18 and living with mama and Uncle, etc.
Okay, you point? I'm sorry, but if a child is in a dangerous situation and a parent was in the house the first thing I'd do is get a parent. The second thing I'd do is call 911 while the parent is taking care of the child. You know, common sense.
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How did the dad of new baby, in a meeting, look at baby from the tiny screen of a nanny cam, know the child needed changing? when my own child poops, I usually hear it or smell it first unless it goes up the back and I actually see it. Need to pull the diaper out and check. I think one would not see this on a 9 month old baby who was probably stuck in a swing or put down for a nap for said meeting....in which case the baby may or may not have needed changing he just wanted 18 to do something before she left knowing she was leaving. If diapers were a prerequisite for her staying in the house. it needed to be communicated Even if her refusing was dushy, He said it was a one time thing but I find it incredibly hard to believe that it would have really been a one time thing and 18 knew it. Baby care is a slippery slope. Also i've never been to an online meeting where if something happened momentarily tech glitch or something in the house that I wasn't aloud back in.
Bit of a both sides and in the wrong and right. Father of the baby should take responsibility for looking after the baby, surely his workmates know is a father working from home - my guess is he got kicked out of the meeting wasn't the need to change the nappy but what he said about it and his niece. Niece could have changed the baby without making a fuss, honestly a nappy isn't a big deal and if it's more than a simple change then the patent should have stepped in... after all op and his daughter are living under their roof and need to be helpful and courteous to those helping them. Op and wife should have stepped back and not become involved at 18 the daughter is old enough to take responsibility for her actions. The brother over reacted and was an out and out a*s. Saying that the op and his daughter have definitely out stayed their welcome
I'm with the YTA people. She should have taught her daughter how to help out by now, and if that means going out of her comfort zone, then so be it. When someone lets you live with them, you help out, period. Changing a baby's diaper is easy. You can't go through life just not doing anything you're not comfortable doing. Life itself is not comfortable, unless you're disgustingly wealthy. ETA: You people can learn how to make NFTs, Google how to change a baby. For eff sake, what is humanity coming to?
NOT, NOT, NOT, THE A*****E who the F**K do you think you are yelling at MY kid, you have something to say, say it to me and I WILL MAKE THE DETERMINATION IF MY KID NEEDS TO BE YELLED AT. You make my kid cry I will beat you within an inch of your miserable life and that goes double for that bastered momma that is shaking up with you ( that's right your not married ) As it was stated she is an adult and as an adult she has the right to her own personal life. It sounds like there are expectations being made that babysitting duties are expected at anytime,were any stipulations made in the beginning that she was to be on call. What if I have A problem with my daughter changing A boy that's not related to her
He should have asked her in advance since he knew he would have a meeting. This makes me believe that he was neglecting the baby before OP and her daughter moved in. He shouldn't have screamed at her as she was walking out the door.
Just because they are staying with a relative doesn't mean they have to help with the children. Cleaning and cooking doing things around the house yes. Helping to pay bills yes! Its starts with diapers then will lead up to babysitting...and they will have the same mentality (oh well we are letting you live with us).
They are the jerks and they’re lazy, also if they want you to leave they legally can’t throw you out in 2 weeks they have to give you 30 days and they have to get the sheriff involved to serve eviction notice
ESH, honestly. I mean, I get the brother being upset that the daughter refused to help, and I also understand the daughter's position with not wanting to change a baby's diaper. I see why OP got mad and went off - would too if someone upset my daughter like that. If they were living there for free, I can understand why the SIL kicked them out (OP said they were out of the house for hours, but didn't say they were at work, necessarily). My biggest issue is....what the hell does he do when he's at home alone with the baby and he's "in a meeting"? I feel like tensions were building this entire time and this was the "breaking point." Everyone in this family needs to get their responsibilities in order...
He would have had ample opportunity to do it BEFORE the meeting. He had absolutely no right to ask a young girl to do it. Ever.
I feel like this needs more info. If OP and the daughter are freeloading and not helping where they can, then OP is the main TA(parents are responsible for how their children grow). If they are contributing, then there needs to be more communication on how chores are established. People won't be caught off guard as much when they have an idea of what to expect.
I helped raise two of my cousins, one since birth. At 12 years old I was watching a new born & a 3 year old with seizures. While cleaning her house, & helping to tutor the 3 year old. Diapers were the easy part.
By the way, she needs to watch YouTube videos on how to change a diaper.
I'm in the ESH camp. Dad and daughter were allowed to move in and are thus family and not guests and personally, I feel you have obligations as a family member. However, changing a diaper is somethign that needs practice. You can't just dump that task on someone. The Brother is A-hole nr 1 with this ludicrous 'she did it on purpose to get me kicked out of the meeting' whcih is laughable. The daugher is a-hole nr2 fpr just leaving her niece and uncle in a stressful situation, because, come on, unless everybody is takign a ferry, there is not being 'late for a birthday party', The mom is an a-hole for kicking them out of the house over one dumb argument and the op is an a-hole for not sorting out better living arrangements, in the first place.
Agreed but it took me several weeks to find the apartment I have now and went through over 1k of money getting hotels until the place I am in now came up in the local newspaper. Easier said than done.
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It would have been nice for the daughter to have jumped in when they moved in and learned to help out. They are living with them, they could help out. I am sure it goes deeper than this. Daughter prob does zero housework. She is an adult. She could have put in effort. My 25 yo daughter has probably never changed a diaper, but I guarantee if she was asked she would try. Even if she had to get me on the phone to talk her through it.
You just made an assumption. There's a huge difference between house work and taking care of someone else's child.
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He definitely handled it wrong but there was absolutely no reason to not change that diaper. She’s 18 not 12 she was perfectly capable of handling that simple task even if she’s never done it before. I think she used being uncomfortable as an excuse so her coddling mom would be on her side. They’re helping them out by letting them stay in their house, as an adult the least she could do it is change a diaper
In other words, another person's feelings are completely irrelevant just because someone is helping them out. That's childish. If a person is uncomfortable doing something, you don't force them to do it. This is lazy parenting.
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OP's daughter may not've ever changed a diaper & I understand if she balked. Bro is a soft AH for not planning this out- changing the baby BEFORE the mtg &/or excusing himself to do it. (babies don't often poop when it's convenient. Most adults know this & understand.) OP was an AH here for running her mouth whilst angry & continuing the bitchfight. She had better options IMO.
Omg all these people uncomfortable with wiping a butt! I'd bet your underwear are NASTY. Y'all are helpless absolutely helpless. Can't wipe a baby's butt...i can't get over that. This is why people are stupid , they suck and I'm voting for a nuclear bomb. Maybe the mutants will be better humans.
Sorry that some of us can't handle touching poop. It's different when it's your own butt. When the only time you ever changed a diaper was over 15 years ago and involved puking into your own mouth in a desperate attempt to not puke on the baby, you really don't feel like you can do it again.
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I feel like the OP should have anticipated this reaction. You don't yell at your hosts, basically call them bad parents, flat out say you will not be helpful, and then expect them to continue housing you. Deescalating, offering social apologies all around, and then asking to clarify expectations going forwards would have been the better answer. Self awareness would also have been helpful: the couple have a brand new baby, which is already difficult enough, and there are 2 extra people intruding and making things even more stressful. Even if OP and daughter were amazingly helpful, their simply being there disrupts the household. And OP and daughter are NOT amazingly helpful, so that's going to be worse. Some self-awareness that their presence was already burdensome and therefore they should not try to increase that burden even more would have gone a long way. Now, it seems the brother and SIL have been wanting them out for a while, and pounced on this as a viable excuse.
Eh. Changed plenty diapers while I was in my late teens, early 20's. Not my kids, but not rocket science either. Uncomfortable? Get over it. Nobody actually enjoys that chore. I watched a couple of kids for family members while trying to get through college. Didn't enjoy it always, but it wasn't a big deal. And I wasn't getting paid in cash or board. But I certainly would have done it if I felt like I owed something to the parents. Like letting me live in their house.
You and your daughter have lived with a baby for 3 months. She has never held, cuddled, played with or changed a diaper?¿? She sounds like she is self centered and doesn't do anything outside of thinking of herself and that you don't make her help out even though your brother has been providing a place for you to stay. Entitlement! Be grateful and do whatever you can to be curteous guests. Yes you are in the wrong here and your daughter is a brat.
ETA! OP is an a hole for mooching off of his brother. Daughter is an a hole for mooching off her uncle and her dad (you're 18 it's time to cut the cord). And the brother is an a hole for telling people they can live in his house without setting up the expectations ahead of time and then using that vagueness to guilt them into taking care of his disgusting kid. Seriously if you were gonna expect these people to be your nanny, you should've spelled that out ahead of time so everyone can know up front if this is the environment they want to actually live in.
The 18 year old could have done him a favor. After all, he let them stay in his house. I was changing diapers whenI was 10 years old.
YTA & YDTA = Your brother is Allowing you AND your Adult daughter to live in his home , and your daughter can’t change an innocent babies diaper ( while he’s trying to work and keep a roof over all of your heads ) … because she’s got to get to a “Party” !?! Give me a break- GET OUT , You’re Both entitled Ingrates. GET OUT !
I'm surprised by all the people defending the adult child. Um she's been living with that baby for 3 months even if before this she hadnt been around kids 3 months is plenty of time to see quite a few disper changes. Get real she just didn't want to. And the people saying what would the dad have done if she wasn't there.... well she was and she just didn't care enough to do it. Teach your adult child some responsibility and respect when people are going out of their way to support you and take care of you while they are both working with a baby so it's not like life Is easy for them, the least you can do is change a diaper. I wouldn't want you guys there either the extreme disrespect screaming at the dad because you guys stay there and can't change one diaper while he's working to support all of you. I wouldn't want the headache.
YTA and YDTA - your brother and his family have significantly upended their lives to extend a kindness to you and your daughter. Your daughter refused to help out? In the time you've been there she has never even offered to help out a bit with the baby so she could get more comfortable around her cousin? You are an extended family - families pitch in an help each other (like your brother's family did when they took you in). As an adult, sometimes you do things you may not "like" to do (but hey, the toilet has to be plunged, the dishes don't wash themselves, a 9 month old requires care). Could your brother have handled the situation differently? Yes. Should he have been able to excuse himself and do it himself? Yes. But was his request unreasonable? Not really. I have a feeling that this incident was the tipping point. We're you and your daughter being good house guests? We're you actively looking for a long term living arrangement for the two of you? Apologize. Daughter apologize. Find your own place to live. Find a way to express gratitude to your brother for taking you in.
4 1 thing, just, because some1 & their 18 yr old daughter had 2 move in with the male parent brother- it is not an opportunity 4 some1 2 expect that the 18 yr old would change that kids diaper. After the divorce, that man & his daughter moved in 2 live with his brother, because he needed help, not 2 b used by the bro. & Just, because some1 doesn't want 2 change a diaper, it does not give that child's father any right 2 berate his brothers 18 yr old daughter. I would have told him off as well. U do not treat family that way. I hope the 18 yr old & her father moved out & in2 somewhere healthier. This 18 yr olds father was protecting his child. His brother & brothers girlfriend r just rude, & a couple of jerks.
Personally I'm closest to the camp of the daughter is slightly TA. But overall I would assume that this was a matter of rising tensions erupting on this smallish issue. To me if you are a longtime guest at someone's house you get to help out with chores when needed. I too would feel mighty uncomfortable changing a babies diaper but I also feel pretty confident that a quick Google could effectively tell me how to do assuming I had not yet learned.
I feel like so much information is missing. From my perspective this feels like a "straw that broke the camels back" type of event. Therefore my verdict is ETA. 1.) The parents of the infant child sound like they feel entitled to any and all of their requests being met just because they are "doing family a favor." I half suspect that they agree to Brother and 18y daughter moving in because they potentially saw a free live-in babysitter in the 18y daughter. 2.)There seems to be a lack of communication all around. 3.) Generally when someone's doing you a solid like allowing you to cope after a divorce with stable housing, you figure out how you can help ease the stress of the situation, this is regardless of age (unless you know... They're a little kid which 18 is not.)
Disposable diapers anyone with 2hands should be able to do one in a couple minutes. You guys are living with them and should be helping out u was already to say he's the jerk but after I read this all of you are . Hopefully someone apologized or If I was you ,I would be looking for a place to move to
They were doing you a big favor by taking you and your daughter in, when you really need the help. She could of told her friends to wait and change that diaper as a favor. I would have tell you the same as your sister in law. He was in a meeting, it wasn’t like he watching TV. .
Your daughter and you are both very ungrateful for the privilege your brother and his wife have given you. Both of y you should strive to take as much of the stress off of them that you could possible do. I don't care what the reason was that she refused this simple task that was ask of her she thinks consideration is beneath her. You are allowing her to become the next Karen. The only one you should have corrected is your daughter. Do you think they like you living there? No but they allow you to out of love. I'm sure they both would love to be bill free and be able to be gone for hours with no worries. But they have to worry about keeping a roof over their head and food on the table not just for them but for the two of you as well. How entitled you and your daughter are thinking you have the right to refuse a simple task that was ask of you. Maybe after sleeping in your car for awhile you and your daughter will learn a little consideration and respect for the one who helped y
Uh, honestly, never changed a diaper in my life retired senior woman here) but I would have been able to fumble my way through even at 18. You do what needs to be done. Might not be the way they would have done it, but it would get done. Not rocket science.Even less so with these pre-fitted diapers. She didn't want to do it. Simpla as that.
He shouldn't have blown up. She should have taught her daughter way earlier on how to feed and change the baby so she wasn't so nervous. They were being given free room and board. A party is not more important than an infant's health. What would the father have done if she wasn't there anyways? Honestly, it all sounds like there was much more going on that the mother was oblivious to, her brother and SIL should have brought up beforehand, and everyone's a moron here.
"what would the father have done if she wasn't there anyway?" Called a sitter. Or excuses himself from his meeting to clean his child like a FATHER.
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Seems like now all you have to do is scream "it's not my responsibility" and things should be ok. Teen was out of line. After living around the baby for 3 mos, she should know how to change a diaper. It's not rocket science. The man simply needed help and couldn't get 2 min of help after opening his home to them. Changing a diaper doesn't mean the baby becomes your responsibility. People are so selfish now.
He also should have hired a sitter so he wouldn't have had to ask as she was leaving the house with people outside WAITING for her. So his failure to plan ahead is his fault.
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I can’t imagine how sheltered and boring my life would be if I avoided everything that made uncomfortable.
Maybe there are no a******s here, just a disagreement. The lady of the house gave them two weeks to move out, so problem solved.
I'm upvoting your comment because some as***le downvoted it for no good reason. There was absolutely nothing inappropriate about your comment.
Load More Replies... OP can choose between we are all one big familly and then then her brother is helping her and she is teaching her dother how to help her uncle. Or she can say my dother is not responsible for anything in the familly and leave (as ahe did). A lot of people here are talking why a teen could not change a diaper. Ofcourse she acted as she did. She is a only a teenager. But her mother is not. A mother should apologise and talk to her dochter and telling her how life is working (that in life there is no not-being-confortible-withs) and make her promise that this will never again happen. And teaching how to care for baby. Then her brother would probably also apologise to her for schouting. I don't think this is about one diaper. I believe this is a last drop in full glass. The girlfriend was probably already some time anoyed bij those two being there. Having young child and working is already stress and then having to share your living space with such visitors...
OP: you two are being helped out with a place to live. It is a given you and your daughter can help out or move out. The SiL was probably hoping you'd move on sooner but she was being patient. Your entitled daughter deserved to the consequences of her actions. You should have a visit with your daughter about your present circumstances and what will be expected so you won't get tossed out from the next kind folks that take you in. She is only uncomfortable changing the baby's diapers because she might get her hands dirty, you might explain that gloves will protect her hands and soap and water does a great job too.
You literally know nothing except what's presented here and clearly hate young people.
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Maybe OP and his daughter moved in and has been treating brother and his girlfriend like they are the help in a hotel. And where has OP been during the day? Employed, looking for work, or just goofing off? All these combined together create an explosive situation. I think the OP was lieing about daughter never changing a diaper after living there for three months.
Or maybe OP and daughter do a lot of chores and contribute financially but brother/sil see free childcare? Taking care of someone's baby isn't the same as doing chores, buying food, giving some money. A child is their parents responsibility so if the brother expected any help, that was something that should have been discussed early on. No one seems particularly bothered that brother/sil threw out his homeless sibling and niece because the niece didn't want to take care of someone else's baby. That's really disgusting. Taking someone in doesn't make them your servant or nanny. Discussions about expectations for everyone should have occurred early on. I loathe the idea of anyone moving in, but if I did take someone in I certainly wouldn't use the threat of sleeping in their car as a method of getting them to take on responsibilities I don't want to deal with.
Load More Replies... An 18yo should certainly have learned by now that she can't just wish away real life by whining about being "uncomfortable". She was not asked to do anything illegal, morally dubious, or sexual. She was asked to be adult enough to contribute to the household she's living in (apparently for free) and help an innocent infant. I knew how to change diapers at age 11 (or maybe before). The only time I've really had trouble was when I was 25 and faced with a baby so young there was still the cord stub and I wasn't sure how to get the diaper around that without causing harm. The baby's father (my husband's cousin) showed me how that worked, but I did the parts I knew how, and we weren't even staying with the cousin at the time, just visiting.
I'm 35 and have no idea what to do in practise theory yes, from seeing it, but I have never and will never change one. Nothing could make me do it. I will help people in any way I can, but I won't do anything related to children, that requires me to be responsible for their welfare.
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After reading this comment thread, I now understand why population rates are dropping. Yes, it's wildly expensive to have a kid......but there are a crazy amount of ADULTS announcing they wouldn't even know how to wipe an a*s and put a adhesive tabbed nappy on. Wonder if they figured out how pants work..... These folks wouldn't survive outside of this very distinct point in reality. As far as the article goes.....every single one of those ppl involved are a******s. He shouldn't have yelled at the niece. The mother should have taught her child on how to care for a baby, and 18 yr old should have been willing to help out. It's a diaper change. Takes 5 mins, and isn't a difficult thing to figure out. Humans survived nuclear war, I think that baby would survive a first timer diaper change. Many first time parents have never changed one before, yet they and their babies survive. Yikes.
I get not doing it for the first time, but it's worth a shot since it isn't rocket science and she could have googled a video or asked her friends for help. Since she was already running late what would 5-10 minutes have done especially since friends would be understanding if you are helping family, especially a baby. Being punctual is important, but life happens, as long as you communicate and it isn't a regular pattern. OP and daughter are ungrateful, the brother and gf offered help when they were in need and their help wasn't reciprocated. Regardless of right or wrong, the OP shouldn't have reacted the way she did. She could have acknowledged how both were feeling and the daughter and OP could have made it up to the brother because his feelings were valid. I wouldn't just kick them out, I would remove those people from my life.
ESH. Ground rules should have been established before moving in. Dad needed one time help-18yo could have helped if she knew how, etc. 18yo and her mother have a temp place to live and should be okay with being asked to help here and there, regardless of whether rent is being paid.
I'm sorry folks but she—and more importantly her daughter—is the AH. I have a teen who makes the same excuses for why they can't do something they're perfectly capable of doing. Every new parent figures out how to change the diaper. She can figure it out if you give her the agency. You can go on YouTube and literally look up "how to change a diaper."
Your grown a*s daighter lived with a baby for 3 months, and never saw how a diaper is changed? Sorry, NOBODY is comfortable changing a diaper, but damn, if her uncle and his wife helps you out and lets you live for over 3 months with them, damn you, you and your daughter should be helping out with some little tasks, even if ure not comfortable with it. I bet that they are also not very comfortable eith sharing their home with you, you are like intruders to their usual routine y and they had to get used to you unthankful beings. And it seems to me like you have raised a selfish kid.
You people are just plain idiots. Are you really so incompetent that you couldn’t figure out how to change a diaper? You literally undo it, raise the child's behind, wipe it, and apply another diaper. So what if she’s never done it before. So what if she makes a mess. Clean it up! Get some initiative and grow up. Bet she’s having sex, wonder what she’d do then? These people are users wanting a FREE PLACE TO LIVE but can’t be bothered to help the bread winner, ie, people who PAY FOR THAT PLACE TO LIVE with a small favor. Yes, dad would have had to figure something else out had he been there alone, probably would have scheduled the meeting for another time. It wasn’t unreasonable for him to expect his ADULT niece to change the diaper, she just didn't want to. What an entitled brat. Bet she changes her mind once she and mom have to live somewhere much more uncomfortable due to her selfishness. This daughter is an ADULT 18 yr old not 8!!!
Good Lord! A 5 year old can change a friggin diaper! Grow tf up & help out. Some women are parents by that age (which I don't recommend) but seriously ffs, just figure it out! It's not rocket science!
If you and your daughter are so adamant that she never help with a baby or even try, then find someone without a baby to freeload off of. YTA.
Who are all these people that think changing a diaper is like rocket science? It's pretty self explanatory. And even if you get it on backwards it still works. An 18 year old who is getting free rent absolutely can be taught it's good to be helpful and kind. Backing up her total self centeredness to me is just astounding. I like to be around people who help each other. That's how communities should be. What's up with all this endorsing total self-centeredness on Panda? When did it become bad to help people?
I hope you get asked to do something you're incredibly uncomfortable with that another person could easily do.
Load More Replies... YTA, they let you live with them in their home even when they have just had a child and probably need the space the least you can do is a small one time favour in turn for a roof over your head.
I'm 50 and I find this demand for childcare b******t. Someone took care of that baby prior to this. If you have a baby, you take care of your baby. That means making prior arrangements for assistance, not loosing your s**t because your unexpected demand was declined. If you agree to take someone in, you don't get to change the terms of their stay without discussion. If taking care of the baby wasn't discussed before then dad changes the diaper and later sits down with everyone to ask about adding occasional care to the mix. I don't care if the mother is Mother Teresa, demanding someone else take care of your baby is asinine. Dad should've just paused the porn he was watching or told whomever he was sexting that he'd brb and taken care of his baby (not buying this "meeting I'll get kicked out of" c**p, especially since it's never been an issue before, and the level of anger seems like rage for being dragged away from something he really, really, really didn't leave)
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No, just no. That's no even close to being similar situations. In fact, this is a childish argument.
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She does not need to learn childcare skills if she does not have a child. Parents love to assume their kid is the world's responsibility.
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If you've never changed a diaper it can be a bigger task and mess than it seems to someone more experienced. What would happen if this family didn't have their extended kin around? This dad would've had to go tend to his baby, anyways, or might've just left her to cry in a dirty diaper. That wasn't a "favour" if the dad blew up like that. It sounds like an opportunistic expectation. The parent and 18 yr old should just move out anyways. They're going through enough turmoil and don't need to put up with a grown man's temper tantrum because of their choices to have a baby while both needing to work, and deciding on working from home.... with a baby. Btw, a baby cam is not a babysitter. If there were a real emergency or something was wrong with the baby, he would have still had to cut that meeting short. Did he lose his job over it? Get in trouble? Just like a lot of mothers who work from home and outside, being a working parent means you sometimes have to put your kids as top priority.
This. I am 35 and have never had to change a diaper and would absolutely not feel able to do so without help.
Load More Replies... NTA. You should never ask someone to change a diaper that has never done it before. Someone said it's a task that takes 3-5 minutes. Yeah..if you know what you're doing and where everything is. As far as the Father of the baby having to drop out of the meeting and got kicked out...he's full of c**p. Webex and Zoom meetings have where you can stop your video and audio. Just make an excuse "Someone's at the door. brb." If the daughters diaper changing only would take 3-5 minutes, then he could have easily done it and have been back in the meeting before anyone missed him. He just expected free nanny services out of his niece.
Exactly. And, he already had the daughter scheduled in to change diaper. HE is TA
Load More Replies... Lack of communication from all parts here. But to solve the situation, isnt people allowed bathroom breaks even at meeting? He could have said he needed to pee if he wasnt comfortable telling them he cyanged diapers.
its called asertiveness, apparently the brother does not have it
Load More Replies... I'm astounded by the YTA votes. The daughter should be a nurse because...why? Maybe helping out around the house in other matters, okay. But if she doesn't want to touch a baby she shouldn't have to. Do you even want someone that young who has never even touched a baby (and doesn't want to) taking care of yours? Wth people. I would NEVER ask someone else to take care of my dog, let alone someone who said "I don't like dogs"!
I'm not 18, I'm 30, and I have no idea how to change a f*****g diaper. I don't like babies, never had to spend time around them, so of course I don't know. This 18 yo might not know either. That's not something everyone learns at school.
She could have asked em to show her, offered to learn it, to help, because they let em stay for free. You do whatever because you're so grateful. If he had asked her to change the tire of his truck, okay, that's a bit much.
Load More Replies... I’m kinda confused. If you are wfh and also your child’s sole caregiver, wouldn’t you have plans in place for issues that come up during Zoom meetings? But also sounds like they over stayed their welcome. Either step up communication or move out.
Another adult is in the house. Probably would have scheduled the meeting at another time or it ran long. No big deal, other reasonable adult would/should help out. Oh no “I’m not your childcare, I’m scared of babies and poop and I’m going to the mall with my friends, so sorry my baby niece needs help. Oh well too bad, oh by the way, can you turn down the air conditioning, it’s hot outside, and I’d like steak for supper “! Man shouldn’t have even had to ask the girl, she should have volunteered. The excuse if being uncomfortable should have been solved the day she moved in. She should have OFFERED to help (and learn if she’s so pathetic that she can’t figure it out by herself) on day one of moving in!
Load More Replies... How do you tell a baby needs a nappy change on a nanny cam? Either it'd be ages since he changed the baby or it was an explosive mess everywhere or really full, at which point totally get a teenager saying no. And why did he get kicked out the meeting? Surely a quick "sorry my baby needs my attention for a minute, I'll be right back" should've been enough to prevent that? - how was he expecting to handle a baby and his meeting in the first place? Babies aren't known for their ability to cater to your schedule so he must've known there was a good chance the baby would interrupt his meeting at some point? He would've been quicker just dealing with the nappy and avoided this drama. Asking for a favour is five, but you need to accept that the person you're asking us within their right to say no without being screamed at for it. As a mother of 4 I still wouldn't be thrilled to change someone else's baby
His job knows he has a child. He could have excused himself for a few moments to deal with it. Now if it happens and you aren't there then hes gonna have to do it regardless. He asked. She said she wasn't comfortable so he should have tapped a pause on the meeting an did it anyway.
He wasn't asking her to babysit the child. He was asking her to do it as a one-off favor. If she said she couldn't because she had to go to a job interview or school that's one thing. Her excuse was she didn't know how (look it up) and she had to get ready for a party (not a priority). She's ungrateful that they gave her a roof over her head and this confirms it.
Load More Replies... Why do people think it's ok to force someone to care for their child(ren)? If someone is not ok dealing with kids, do you really think it's wise to make them? Do you really care that little for your kid that you would force then, in ANY capacity, to tend to them? It could be BS but if the young lady said she wasn't comfortable changing the diaper then let it go! Because if she was telling the truth and something somehow went wrong then you now have to deal with the aftermath of the situation.
It seems this escalated quickly from will you change the nappy because I'm in a meeting to find somewhere new to live, so I suspect the girlfriend's feelings of lack of gratitude from OP and his daughter had probably been simmering a while. OP was NTA for standing up to his daughter, but I don't think it was unreasonable for OP's brother to make the request in the first place (though he should have accepted the refusal better). Besides, if the nappy had only been filled just a couple of minutes later, or OP's daughter had left on time, then OP's brother would have been alone with the baby and would have still had to change the nappy. He should have just excused himself from the meeting, with out without an honest explanation as to the reason he needed a break. Or failing that, disconnect his own internet access and pretend an IT issue which was 'rectified' as soon as the nappy had been changed.
Yeah, he should have planned for a sitter to be honest. Say the 18 year old did help before with the kid, it was wrong of him to expect her to deal with it as she was literally heading out the door with people who were WAITING on her.
Load More Replies... Stuff like that needs to be discussed beforehand. I'm 32 and I never touched or held a baby and I wouldn't have done this either. If someone is really uncomfortable with small kids don't force it, it will not go well.
“I’ll gladly take you and your daughter in. Not a problem at all. We’d be happy to have you. Just remember, you do what I ask when I ask regardless if you’re capable and comfortable. No questions asked.” - Quid pro quo favors & support are by no means favorable or supportive. They’re typically sanctimonious. - Have a friend who’d never touched a baby nor been very near one. Closest he came was on a plane, which caused him to shake nervously & become nauseated. He has a genuine phobia of accidentally hurting them; breaking them. If OP & daughter we’re typically involved in household & supportive, this was d**k move on part of the new parents.
“Oh thank you so much for letting me stay in your home which is also where you work and are watching a new baby…. But don’t ask me to help out at all because my life is my own and you should just plan better.” Typical entitled houseguest. I’ve lived with family for extended periods before, and the proper thing to do is learn their routine and offer to pitch in where possible. It doesn’t make you a servant, and it doesn’t make it “transactional”, rather it’s basic respect and appreciation. This girl lives with these folks for three months and never learned to change a diaper? Come on.
Load More Replies... Neither the OP nor the daughter is the AH. The brother verbally abused his niece for refusing to change his baby's diaper, and that was unnecessary; what is even more egregious than that is the gf demanding that the OP and daughter move out in 2 weeks because the daughter didn't feel comfortable with changing a diaper because she didn't know how. She may have been afraid of hurting the baby due to her inexperience around babies and small children.
Yes and if that happened now the 18 year old would risk legal problems that could ruin the rest of her life. Look at the big picture not down the little tunnel.
Load More Replies... This 18y/o "didn't feel comfortable" is a lousy excuse. Watch a youtube video to learn how. They had been living there for THREE months and in that time that adult daughter NEVER ONCE offered to learn and be of use to the people who were allowing her to live there for free?? OP is AH as is her daughter.
This all the way. Thank you. I don’t like to read into these kind of things too much but I agree with other comments that speculate that this guy and his daughter probably weren’t the best houseguests over the last three months and this was probably the straw that broke the camels back.
Load More Replies... Have these people not heard of de-escalation? Sure kick someone out and post on Reddit. Instead of you know, talking it out and apologizing to each other
Has the daughter ever changed a diaper in her life? If yes, she should have done it. If no, then I can understand. If someone is giving you a place to stay, you should help them when asked. I don't care if it wasn't explicitly discussed beforehand. He shouldn't have yelled at the girl, but she should have helped because he's helping them.
I changed a diaper once in my life, but I can assure you that you do not want me to change your baby's diaper. I threw up in my mouth. Not everyone can handle poop.
Load More Replies... WOW!! NTA, NTA, NTA!!! His baby is his own responsibility and there's no way he flipped out like that ONLY over such a small thing. There is something else going on with this dude that he was berating his brothers daughter. What an a$$!! OP should take his daughter, and leave these toxic people behind!
Since he was free loading he really didn’t want to. Much better to let someone else provide housing while you and your daughter sit on your butts!
Load More Replies... I'm puzzled why a parent expect some inexperienced teen to care for their kids' Gene Tails despite them stating they are uncomfortable doing so? I was SAd by people my parents shouldn't have trusted btw, so don't come at me
Nevermind how neurotic most people are about their first kid.
Load More Replies... I wonder if people would think like they do, if the daughter was changed to a son... Sorry peeps, but asking to change your kid makes you an irresponsible parent. And yes, I have changed my friend's baby, but I know how to and offered to help.
Now that I think about it, if niece had been nephew, bet he wouldn't have asked.
Load More Replies... Not the a*****e. Sure, the brother is reasonable for expecting help around the house for letting his sibling and niece stay but that's like doing the dishes, getting groceries e.c.t. He can't demand the daughter change a diaper. I'm 22, an only child in a small family, I have never been around kids or have my own. I've never had to change a diaper and would have no idea what to do. If I was put in the daughter's situation I would be extremely uncomfortable, I wouldn't want to do it wrong or hurt the baby. It is extremely unfair to demand that someone do something, unsupervised, that they've never had to do before. Especially as she was going out herself anyway and should have to postpone what she's doing.
I think people should just stop with its not their responsibility or it's their responsibility stuff already. Just be decent humans and help each other when needed..even if it's uncomfortable sometimes. Get over who's to blame game and just do right by each other. Damn
Based on you logic, the uncle should have been more understanding towards his niece's feelings. The man should have got up and changed his own child's diaper, you know like a parent would.
Load More Replies... I gotta go with YTA. Mostly because your brother is doing you a huge favor letting you and your daughter live with him. He was clearly busy in a meeting trying to make money. Instead of just helping him out and changing the babies diaper (which by the way is not rocket science) your daughter refused saying she wasn’t comfortable? I can only imagine if she’s comfortable now with the situation she’s created? Maybe next time step up and push your discomfort aside and just help out. Before my son was born I never changed a diaper either, but I figured it out no instructions needed. Just common sense really. You made your bed..
Yo, I'll change your baby's diaper as long as you know I risk puking on the baby.
Load More Replies... NAH. Everyone has a valid argument here except the brother’s girlfriend for kicking them out over something so insignificant. It was a small one time favor but also completely repulsive and unnecessary.
You'll notice we only got one side of the story. My guess is there was a lot more going on, uncle and his girlfriend felt like they were being used and sponged off, and got tired of it.
Load More Replies... I never changed a diaper until I had my kid in my late 20s. I wouldn't have felt comfortable around a baby before that. I was terrified of taking my daughter out of the house alone, because I never had any real experience with a baby. There's other ways she can contribute if she's not comfortable with a baby. That boundary should have been established at the beginning. Also, it's rude to ask someone a favor if they're literally heading out the door who have people waiting. His lack of planning is not her responsibility. At the end of the day, it's his and his gf's responsibility to establish childcare and plan ahead. What was he supposed to do if nobody else was home? He's the AH. It's unreasonable to expect anyone who isn't comfortable with babies/kids to take care of them.
When I was a teenager, my baby niece came to live with us. Her poopy diapers really grossed me out and I refused to change them. You can’t expect an 18 year old to have adult feelings and values - she’s not quite an adult herself. As adults, the brother and his wife ATAH for insisting the girl do something that she’s not comfortable with. If she was not averse to diapers, they could ask her but how can they expect her to be an adult who understands responsibility and maturity. She’s kind of still a kid and you can’t ask her to step up for something that gross. Poopy diapers are very gross! I guess we don’t know if they were poopy or just wet but still………
Did she already know how to do it? Maybe a moment when she is on her way out the door and you are not available to demonstrate is not the time to learn! Was participation in childcare previously negotiated or did he just assume women would want and know how to do it?
Jumped on here to point out that had the daughter been a son, the diaper request would likely not have been issued. Women (even female children) are flat out expected to do this labor, and often free of charge when men and boys are expected to not know how or not be interested/responsible for such things. Case in point: the man couldn't just step out of his meeting for 3 minutes to change a diaper and no provision was made for his need to do so, as he is the father, not the mother. Workplaces expect men to be 100% hands off when it comes to kids and 100% available regardless of whether or not they are parents. And instead of challenging this, he expected the nearest available woman to do the job. From his reaction to her refusal, this was NOT a request, but rather an expectation. He's the AH.
To be fair, the baby's mother ALSO must have expected the niece to change this diaper as well, as instead of inquiring her SO about why he didn't take that three minutes to do so, she seemed to be backing him in expecting that service from the niece. Props for backing up her partner, but yikes in not asking the right questions--instead of working herself into a tiff and lashing out just because he couldn't reign in the temper long enough to talk it out.
Load More Replies... Nta. I get the kids discomfort. I'd be uncomfortable/anxious too. I get wanting help but don't scream at her
Ok tbh I get anxious really easily so that might be the reason
Load More Replies... OP is NTA. They weren't there. Baby Daddy's priority is HIS baby, OP priority is THEIR daughter. Nothing was said about whether OP and daughter help out in other ways, cooking, cleaning, dishes etc. THAT I expect, changing diapers as an inexperienced 18 year old, no. Especially if it's dirty rather than just wet.
Being asked to change a diaper once seems a small price to pay for living in their home. Changing diapers isn't rocket science.
Not eveyone is comfortable with changing diapers or with handling babies depending on the age, I don't know how to hold young babies and I'm scared of holding them, I'm absolutely disgusted by changing diapers that just seeing a baby get changed (not even the actual poop) makes me want to throw up, just because it's easy or doable for some people doesn't mean it's the same for everyone, when it's your child you might be able to force yourself to do all these, but when it's someone else's child then it's way more difficult. Maybe they pay for living in the house in itehr ways, no details were mentioned about it.
Load More Replies... YNTA The brother was definitely out of line. He could have changed the baby before the meeting. What would he have done being home alone with the baby? He would have had to still change the diaper. I babysat starting at the age of 12 so for me it wouldn't have been a problem but everyone is different. It's to bad they re acted this way. Sounds like he needs a better Job where they understand family and parents and if they make good money they could hire a nanny for reasons like this.
I am one of those people who cannot handle another person's p1ss or sh1t. I don't have kids, never wanted kids, will never have kids. I could not change a messy diaper. I would vomit. Why anyone would want someone uncomfortable with babies anywhere near their baby is beyond me. What would he have done if he was the only one home? Yes, the mom and daughter should pitch in around the house and help with chores. Childcare isn't a chore it's a responsibility. And you don't just expect that people can change diapers or even want to or can even stomach doing it. Him and his sister are a******s and the poor daughter got caught in the crossfire. He shouldn't have berated his niece and his sister shouldn't have yelled at her brother and his girlfriend. Seems the girlfriend and the 18yo daughter are the only non a******s in this story. Except the baby, but the baby could be an a*****e. LOL.
How often is this baby just...left while both parents do other things? Like...8 month olds require care and human connection. I understand getting some work done when baby sleeps or needing to hop into something for 10 or 15 minutes. But like....child care can't be done at the same time as a required meeting. If baby started to cry would she be left? How long since she's actually had a human being to connect with, to play to teach her the world is safe and she matters. Sigh. Hopefully I'm reading this wrong and it's a one time situation.
The first question that popped into my mind was if the dad would have expected the same if OP's child had been an 18yo BOY. Just because she is female that does not mean that she has special skills to deal with a baby. If she has never changed diapers before (and there are a lot of young parents that don't let anybody else touch their precious offspring) this is not something you confidently "just pick up as you go" without somebody there to show you. Maybe she is deadly afraid of dropping the baby? While it is true that it is nice of the couple to let OP and their daugther live with them - that is unrelated. Did they agree on babysitting services? If she had left five minutes earlier dad would have had to deal with the baby anyway. And why was he kicked out of the meeting just because he was afk for five minutes? That sounds redicoulus. I think he was in a bad mood and took it out on OP's daughter. Better if they now find separate housing.
I am a 45 year old woman and **gasp** have NO IDEA how to change a diaper. In my 20s a cousin thought it'd be funny to make me change his daughter, and when I did it wrong I got made fun of, complete with rolled eyes. Not to mention the numerous people who think it's funny to plop a baby in your lap and walk away, meanwhile the baby is wiggling and you are silently praying you don't drop them. Definitely NTA.
If SO's daughter had been a son, would her brother have expected HIM to change the nappy? I think not.
Sure. A one time "favor." Judging by the setupvthey already had I don't buy it. The moment parents like these learn they can push the less fun responsibilities of parenthood off onto others, they do. Also, unless it's part of the agreement, just because someone is living with you doesn't mean they now share responsibility for YOUR child. Either way Op's brother was fine dealing with the baby on his own before they moved in, and he'll have to figure that out again now.
The bottom line is, if there are people waiting for me outside, then I'm just as busy as you are, and you're not allowed to ask me to do chores right then. Of course she said 'no'.
If it was a 18M would the same demand have been made? My guess is NO
What would he have done if his niece hadn't been there to ask? That's right, he would have excused himself from the meeting and changed the diaper himself, because that's what he signed up for when he became a parent. Sure, it would have been nice if she did it, since she was there while he was in the meeting, but still not her responsibility. Clearly it wasn't communicated well that there would be strings attached to having them living there. Getting angry with her is no way to foster cooperation for future situations.
I have my doubts that it would be "just this once". I would wonder if it's planned emotional incompetence and task creep, and if she did it once, all of a sudden, she'd be on the hook to do it whenever it was convenient for him, never for her. Good for the daughter for standing up and leaving for an appointment she already had.
I've observed at one point or another kids are often someone else's burden. Some parents seem to do this out of entitlement, while others simply feel like they don't have a choice but to rely on others. I refuse to put myself or anyone else in that position. But if someone does choose to have kids, they must accept full responsibility for that child. In WFH situations, just because you are at home doesn't mean that you have time to care for your child if you are doing WFH correctly. Chances are this parent needs to find a way to get child care. So for that he is the AH. Now... if the mom and 18 year old which yes is still a child to the mom (but at 18 we are considered adults) are not contributing in other ways, then they're also the AH. I don't believe diaper changing is something that should be requested on the fly. If they expected child care in exchange, discussion should've been prior move in. Any and all expectations should've been discussed. It's possible that ETA.
I've seen many people comment that the daughter should have changed the diaper bcuz they were living there and not paying any of the bills etc etc. I reread it a few times and I didn't see where it was ever stated that the teen and her parent did or didn't pay any of the bills. So that is an assumption on a few of the post I've read. Therefore unless we know if they are actually paying their own way or not that's irrelevant. However no one I mean no one is going to set off on my child to the point they make my child cry. Nope SMH. Come to me with concerns regarding my daughter and I assure you they will be dealt with if it's necessary. But no one should berate another person's child IDC what they are to the child. Also i didn't see one comment regarding how this 18 year old girl was dealing with day to day living after her parents divorced. She's lost a parent lost her family unit, forced to move into a home with an infant that she probably wasn't accustomed to living with before. So s
And to some people changing a baby diaper or changing their clothes etc can be intimidating AH. My sister was shaking so bad the day we brought my nephew home from the hospital that I had to change him and get him dressed lol. Other folks can do it like they were born doing it. I'd much rather be told no than be told oops I dropped the baby. Lol. Yes thats a little extreme but her stranger things have happened lol. Praying it all works out for the best.
Load More Replies... Less about the diaper, more about how OP giving unwanted lecture. OP's daughter is not responsible on the baby, and so does her brother is not responsible on her
This is correct because of them both being adults.
Load More Replies... The daughter is not the reason OP and daughter are there, and mother is responsible. If there was an expectation of one off things, then walking through procedure just in case situation arises. Considering that babies need multiple diaper changes a day, it's not like this was totally unforeseen. A lot of communication issues. I think this is between brother, wife and sister. Sounds like communication is not good in the family and it cannot be ruled out that it was also a part of divorce.
Your brother and his wife are big pos. Do as requested leave and cut those worthless people out of your lives. They are not worth a second thought. Entitled because they help. They will fall from their high horse eventually. There are always bigger mountains around.
NOT,NOT,NOT THE A*****E who in the F**K do you think you are yelling at MY kid. You have something to say, say it to me and I WILL MAKE THE DETERMINATION IF MY KID NEEDS TO BE YELLED AT. You make my kid cry I will beat you within an inch of your miserable life and that goes double for that bastered momma that is shaking up with you ( that's right your not married). Like other have stated she is an adult, so as an adult she has the right to her own life. To me it sounds like you have made an expectation that this adult is obligated to stop and put her life on hold at A moments notice. Was A stipulation put in place that child care at any time was A requirement
No one should be expected to take care of a baby, if it is outside their comfort zone. The fact that she had an engagement, is irrelevant. Also, if you have had postal mail delivered, you are illegal resident. However, they may be able to evict you, depending on the legal rules, in your state.
Lets face the fact: if you do someone a favor, but then demand that person to do a particular stuff that person is uncomfortable with, or else the "favor" gets taken away, then its not really a favor
This happened to me in a way when I was in high school. I was asked to watch my nephew and I said no. My sister said she would just be 30 mins and he would probably sleep the whole time. I still said no. She went and got my mom and her dad and they slipped out of the house. I went downstairs for a snack and saw that the kid was left behind and no one else was there. I msgs my sister and she said they had to pick up some things. I said I'm not watching her kid. EIGHT HOURS LATER, they finally return. The kid did sleep the whole time...somehow, but they were mad at me for not changing him or taking care of him AT ALL. "Well he slept the whole time and you said you would be 20 mins max! EIGHT HOURS IS UNACCEPTABLE!" I got grounded for "Disrespecting my sister and not caring for her child properly". I started raising my little sister at 2 years old! I ain't gonna watch my older sisters kid just kuz I'm not 2 anymore! I refuse! NTA to you or your daughter. Their kid is their responsibility. I'm sure you're pitching in for bills so I'm sure it's not like you're doing nothing when you're there.
Probably be in the minority here, but I agree that OP and daughter should have helped out more. Were OP and daughter helping out with the house work and cleaning up either? I share a home in joint tenancy with my Mom and my younger brother and Sis in law. stay in the apartment at the back of our house and guess what?, we all pull together to help out. My step-dad even agreed to watch my sick daughter while we did my infant sons baby blessing. (Already been rescheduled twice.) When you are a part of a family and live together it's what you do. You take care of each other. We humans are a social race who need each other, none of our lives get to solely revolve around ourselves and others lives certainly do not revolve around us. Learning to change a diaper once in a blue moon would have been the kindest way to teach 18 that fact other wise life will teach her that fact...with a proverbial sledge hammer. (Life and reality are not by nature kind things) life is give and take, not just take
When you live together as a family you don't throw your sibling and niece out for not taking care of your baby.
Load More Replies... If she didn't know how to change a diaper, time to learn! What if it was something more important, such as choking or falling? Will she say my friends are waiting and scram? Pitch in. It's the decent thing to do, given the fact she is 18 and living with mama and Uncle, etc.
Okay, you point? I'm sorry, but if a child is in a dangerous situation and a parent was in the house the first thing I'd do is get a parent. The second thing I'd do is call 911 while the parent is taking care of the child. You know, common sense.
Load More Replies... How did the dad of new baby, in a meeting, look at baby from the tiny screen of a nanny cam, know the child needed changing? when my own child poops, I usually hear it or smell it first unless it goes up the back and I actually see it. Need to pull the diaper out and check. I think one would not see this on a 9 month old baby who was probably stuck in a swing or put down for a nap for said meeting....in which case the baby may or may not have needed changing he just wanted 18 to do something before she left knowing she was leaving. If diapers were a prerequisite for her staying in the house. it needed to be communicated Even if her refusing was dushy, He said it was a one time thing but I find it incredibly hard to believe that it would have really been a one time thing and 18 knew it. Baby care is a slippery slope. Also i've never been to an online meeting where if something happened momentarily tech glitch or something in the house that I wasn't aloud back in.
Bit of a both sides and in the wrong and right. Father of the baby should take responsibility for looking after the baby, surely his workmates know is a father working from home - my guess is he got kicked out of the meeting wasn't the need to change the nappy but what he said about it and his niece. Niece could have changed the baby without making a fuss, honestly a nappy isn't a big deal and if it's more than a simple change then the patent should have stepped in... after all op and his daughter are living under their roof and need to be helpful and courteous to those helping them. Op and wife should have stepped back and not become involved at 18 the daughter is old enough to take responsibility for her actions. The brother over reacted and was an out and out a*s. Saying that the op and his daughter have definitely out stayed their welcome
I'm with the YTA people. She should have taught her daughter how to help out by now, and if that means going out of her comfort zone, then so be it. When someone lets you live with them, you help out, period. Changing a baby's diaper is easy. You can't go through life just not doing anything you're not comfortable doing. Life itself is not comfortable, unless you're disgustingly wealthy. ETA: You people can learn how to make NFTs, Google how to change a baby. For eff sake, what is humanity coming to?
NOT, NOT, NOT, THE A*****E who the F**K do you think you are yelling at MY kid, you have something to say, say it to me and I WILL MAKE THE DETERMINATION IF MY KID NEEDS TO BE YELLED AT. You make my kid cry I will beat you within an inch of your miserable life and that goes double for that bastered momma that is shaking up with you ( that's right your not married ) As it was stated she is an adult and as an adult she has the right to her own personal life. It sounds like there are expectations being made that babysitting duties are expected at anytime,were any stipulations made in the beginning that she was to be on call. What if I have A problem with my daughter changing A boy that's not related to her
He should have asked her in advance since he knew he would have a meeting. This makes me believe that he was neglecting the baby before OP and her daughter moved in. He shouldn't have screamed at her as she was walking out the door.
Just because they are staying with a relative doesn't mean they have to help with the children. Cleaning and cooking doing things around the house yes. Helping to pay bills yes! Its starts with diapers then will lead up to babysitting...and they will have the same mentality (oh well we are letting you live with us).
They are the jerks and they’re lazy, also if they want you to leave they legally can’t throw you out in 2 weeks they have to give you 30 days and they have to get the sheriff involved to serve eviction notice
ESH, honestly. I mean, I get the brother being upset that the daughter refused to help, and I also understand the daughter's position with not wanting to change a baby's diaper. I see why OP got mad and went off - would too if someone upset my daughter like that. If they were living there for free, I can understand why the SIL kicked them out (OP said they were out of the house for hours, but didn't say they were at work, necessarily). My biggest issue is....what the hell does he do when he's at home alone with the baby and he's "in a meeting"? I feel like tensions were building this entire time and this was the "breaking point." Everyone in this family needs to get their responsibilities in order...
He would have had ample opportunity to do it BEFORE the meeting. He had absolutely no right to ask a young girl to do it. Ever.
I feel like this needs more info. If OP and the daughter are freeloading and not helping where they can, then OP is the main TA(parents are responsible for how their children grow). If they are contributing, then there needs to be more communication on how chores are established. People won't be caught off guard as much when they have an idea of what to expect.
I helped raise two of my cousins, one since birth. At 12 years old I was watching a new born & a 3 year old with seizures. While cleaning her house, & helping to tutor the 3 year old. Diapers were the easy part.
By the way, she needs to watch YouTube videos on how to change a diaper.
I'm in the ESH camp. Dad and daughter were allowed to move in and are thus family and not guests and personally, I feel you have obligations as a family member. However, changing a diaper is somethign that needs practice. You can't just dump that task on someone. The Brother is A-hole nr 1 with this ludicrous 'she did it on purpose to get me kicked out of the meeting' whcih is laughable. The daugher is a-hole nr2 fpr just leaving her niece and uncle in a stressful situation, because, come on, unless everybody is takign a ferry, there is not being 'late for a birthday party', The mom is an a-hole for kicking them out of the house over one dumb argument and the op is an a-hole for not sorting out better living arrangements, in the first place.
Agreed but it took me several weeks to find the apartment I have now and went through over 1k of money getting hotels until the place I am in now came up in the local newspaper. Easier said than done.
Load More Replies... It would have been nice for the daughter to have jumped in when they moved in and learned to help out. They are living with them, they could help out. I am sure it goes deeper than this. Daughter prob does zero housework. She is an adult. She could have put in effort. My 25 yo daughter has probably never changed a diaper, but I guarantee if she was asked she would try. Even if she had to get me on the phone to talk her through it.
You just made an assumption. There's a huge difference between house work and taking care of someone else's child.
Load More Replies... He definitely handled it wrong but there was absolutely no reason to not change that diaper. She’s 18 not 12 she was perfectly capable of handling that simple task even if she’s never done it before. I think she used being uncomfortable as an excuse so her coddling mom would be on her side. They’re helping them out by letting them stay in their house, as an adult the least she could do it is change a diaper
In other words, another person's feelings are completely irrelevant just because someone is helping them out. That's childish. If a person is uncomfortable doing something, you don't force them to do it. This is lazy parenting.
Load More Replies... OP's daughter may not've ever changed a diaper & I understand if she balked. Bro is a soft AH for not planning this out- changing the baby BEFORE the mtg &/or excusing himself to do it. (babies don't often poop when it's convenient. Most adults know this & understand.) OP was an AH here for running her mouth whilst angry & continuing the bitchfight. She had better options IMO.
Omg all these people uncomfortable with wiping a butt! I'd bet your underwear are NASTY. Y'all are helpless absolutely helpless. Can't wipe a baby's butt...i can't get over that. This is why people are stupid , they suck and I'm voting for a nuclear bomb. Maybe the mutants will be better humans.
Sorry that some of us can't handle touching poop. It's different when it's your own butt. When the only time you ever changed a diaper was over 15 years ago and involved puking into your own mouth in a desperate attempt to not puke on the baby, you really don't feel like you can do it again.
Load More Replies... I feel like the OP should have anticipated this reaction. You don't yell at your hosts, basically call them bad parents, flat out say you will not be helpful, and then expect them to continue housing you. Deescalating, offering social apologies all around, and then asking to clarify expectations going forwards would have been the better answer. Self awareness would also have been helpful: the couple have a brand new baby, which is already difficult enough, and there are 2 extra people intruding and making things even more stressful. Even if OP and daughter were amazingly helpful, their simply being there disrupts the household. And OP and daughter are NOT amazingly helpful, so that's going to be worse. Some self-awareness that their presence was already burdensome and therefore they should not try to increase that burden even more would have gone a long way. Now, it seems the brother and SIL have been wanting them out for a while, and pounced on this as a viable excuse.
Eh. Changed plenty diapers while I was in my late teens, early 20's. Not my kids, but not rocket science either. Uncomfortable? Get over it. Nobody actually enjoys that chore. I watched a couple of kids for family members while trying to get through college. Didn't enjoy it always, but it wasn't a big deal. And I wasn't getting paid in cash or board. But I certainly would have done it if I felt like I owed something to the parents. Like letting me live in their house.
You and your daughter have lived with a baby for 3 months. She has never held, cuddled, played with or changed a diaper?¿? She sounds like she is self centered and doesn't do anything outside of thinking of herself and that you don't make her help out even though your brother has been providing a place for you to stay. Entitlement! Be grateful and do whatever you can to be curteous guests. Yes you are in the wrong here and your daughter is a brat.
ETA! OP is an a hole for mooching off of his brother. Daughter is an a hole for mooching off her uncle and her dad (you're 18 it's time to cut the cord). And the brother is an a hole for telling people they can live in his house without setting up the expectations ahead of time and then using that vagueness to guilt them into taking care of his disgusting kid. Seriously if you were gonna expect these people to be your nanny, you should've spelled that out ahead of time so everyone can know up front if this is the environment they want to actually live in.
The 18 year old could have done him a favor. After all, he let them stay in his house. I was changing diapers whenI was 10 years old.
YTA & YDTA = Your brother is Allowing you AND your Adult daughter to live in his home , and your daughter can’t change an innocent babies diaper ( while he’s trying to work and keep a roof over all of your heads ) … because she’s got to get to a “Party” !?! Give me a break- GET OUT , You’re Both entitled Ingrates. GET OUT !
I'm surprised by all the people defending the adult child. Um she's been living with that baby for 3 months even if before this she hadnt been around kids 3 months is plenty of time to see quite a few disper changes. Get real she just didn't want to. And the people saying what would the dad have done if she wasn't there.... well she was and she just didn't care enough to do it. Teach your adult child some responsibility and respect when people are going out of their way to support you and take care of you while they are both working with a baby so it's not like life Is easy for them, the least you can do is change a diaper. I wouldn't want you guys there either the extreme disrespect screaming at the dad because you guys stay there and can't change one diaper while he's working to support all of you. I wouldn't want the headache.
YTA and YDTA - your brother and his family have significantly upended their lives to extend a kindness to you and your daughter. Your daughter refused to help out? In the time you've been there she has never even offered to help out a bit with the baby so she could get more comfortable around her cousin? You are an extended family - families pitch in an help each other (like your brother's family did when they took you in). As an adult, sometimes you do things you may not "like" to do (but hey, the toilet has to be plunged, the dishes don't wash themselves, a 9 month old requires care). Could your brother have handled the situation differently? Yes. Should he have been able to excuse himself and do it himself? Yes. But was his request unreasonable? Not really. I have a feeling that this incident was the tipping point. We're you and your daughter being good house guests? We're you actively looking for a long term living arrangement for the two of you? Apologize. Daughter apologize. Find your own place to live. Find a way to express gratitude to your brother for taking you in.
4 1 thing, just, because some1 & their 18 yr old daughter had 2 move in with the male parent brother- it is not an opportunity 4 some1 2 expect that the 18 yr old would change that kids diaper. After the divorce, that man & his daughter moved in 2 live with his brother, because he needed help, not 2 b used by the bro. & Just, because some1 doesn't want 2 change a diaper, it does not give that child's father any right 2 berate his brothers 18 yr old daughter. I would have told him off as well. U do not treat family that way. I hope the 18 yr old & her father moved out & in2 somewhere healthier. This 18 yr olds father was protecting his child. His brother & brothers girlfriend r just rude, & a couple of jerks.
Personally I'm closest to the camp of the daughter is slightly TA. But overall I would assume that this was a matter of rising tensions erupting on this smallish issue. To me if you are a longtime guest at someone's house you get to help out with chores when needed. I too would feel mighty uncomfortable changing a babies diaper but I also feel pretty confident that a quick Google could effectively tell me how to do assuming I had not yet learned.
I feel like so much information is missing. From my perspective this feels like a "straw that broke the camels back" type of event. Therefore my verdict is ETA. 1.) The parents of the infant child sound like they feel entitled to any and all of their requests being met just because they are "doing family a favor." I half suspect that they agree to Brother and 18y daughter moving in because they potentially saw a free live-in babysitter in the 18y daughter. 2.)There seems to be a lack of communication all around. 3.) Generally when someone's doing you a solid like allowing you to cope after a divorce with stable housing, you figure out how you can help ease the stress of the situation, this is regardless of age (unless you know... They're a little kid which 18 is not.)
Disposable diapers anyone with 2hands should be able to do one in a couple minutes. You guys are living with them and should be helping out u was already to say he's the jerk but after I read this all of you are . Hopefully someone apologized or If I was you ,I would be looking for a place to move to
They were doing you a big favor by taking you and your daughter in, when you really need the help. She could of told her friends to wait and change that diaper as a favor. I would have tell you the same as your sister in law. He was in a meeting, it wasn’t like he watching TV. .
Your daughter and you are both very ungrateful for the privilege your brother and his wife have given you. Both of y you should strive to take as much of the stress off of them that you could possible do. I don't care what the reason was that she refused this simple task that was ask of her she thinks consideration is beneath her. You are allowing her to become the next Karen. The only one you should have corrected is your daughter. Do you think they like you living there? No but they allow you to out of love. I'm sure they both would love to be bill free and be able to be gone for hours with no worries. But they have to worry about keeping a roof over their head and food on the table not just for them but for the two of you as well. How entitled you and your daughter are thinking you have the right to refuse a simple task that was ask of you. Maybe after sleeping in your car for awhile you and your daughter will learn a little consideration and respect for the one who helped y
Uh, honestly, never changed a diaper in my life retired senior woman here) but I would have been able to fumble my way through even at 18. You do what needs to be done. Might not be the way they would have done it, but it would get done. Not rocket science.Even less so with these pre-fitted diapers. She didn't want to do it. Simpla as that.
He shouldn't have blown up. She should have taught her daughter way earlier on how to feed and change the baby so she wasn't so nervous. They were being given free room and board. A party is not more important than an infant's health. What would the father have done if she wasn't there anyways? Honestly, it all sounds like there was much more going on that the mother was oblivious to, her brother and SIL should have brought up beforehand, and everyone's a moron here.
"what would the father have done if she wasn't there anyway?" Called a sitter. Or excuses himself from his meeting to clean his child like a FATHER.
Load More Replies... Seems like now all you have to do is scream "it's not my responsibility" and things should be ok. Teen was out of line. After living around the baby for 3 mos, she should know how to change a diaper. It's not rocket science. The man simply needed help and couldn't get 2 min of help after opening his home to them. Changing a diaper doesn't mean the baby becomes your responsibility. People are so selfish now.
He also should have hired a sitter so he wouldn't have had to ask as she was leaving the house with people outside WAITING for her. So his failure to plan ahead is his fault.
Load More Replies... I can’t imagine how sheltered and boring my life would be if I avoided everything that made uncomfortable.
Maybe there are no a******s here, just a disagreement. The lady of the house gave them two weeks to move out, so problem solved.
I'm upvoting your comment because some as***le downvoted it for no good reason. There was absolutely nothing inappropriate about your comment.
Load More Replies... OP can choose between we are all one big familly and then then her brother is helping her and she is teaching her dother how to help her uncle. Or she can say my dother is not responsible for anything in the familly and leave (as ahe did). A lot of people here are talking why a teen could not change a diaper. Ofcourse she acted as she did. She is a only a teenager. But her mother is not. A mother should apologise and talk to her dochter and telling her how life is working (that in life there is no not-being-confortible-withs) and make her promise that this will never again happen. And teaching how to care for baby. Then her brother would probably also apologise to her for schouting. I don't think this is about one diaper. I believe this is a last drop in full glass. The girlfriend was probably already some time anoyed bij those two being there. Having young child and working is already stress and then having to share your living space with such visitors...
OP: you two are being helped out with a place to live. It is a given you and your daughter can help out or move out. The SiL was probably hoping you'd move on sooner but she was being patient. Your entitled daughter deserved to the consequences of her actions. You should have a visit with your daughter about your present circumstances and what will be expected so you won't get tossed out from the next kind folks that take you in. She is only uncomfortable changing the baby's diapers because she might get her hands dirty, you might explain that gloves will protect her hands and soap and water does a great job too.
You literally know nothing except what's presented here and clearly hate young people.
Load More Replies... Maybe OP and his daughter moved in and has been treating brother and his girlfriend like they are the help in a hotel. And where has OP been during the day? Employed, looking for work, or just goofing off? All these combined together create an explosive situation. I think the OP was lieing about daughter never changing a diaper after living there for three months.
Or maybe OP and daughter do a lot of chores and contribute financially but brother/sil see free childcare? Taking care of someone's baby isn't the same as doing chores, buying food, giving some money. A child is their parents responsibility so if the brother expected any help, that was something that should have been discussed early on. No one seems particularly bothered that brother/sil threw out his homeless sibling and niece because the niece didn't want to take care of someone else's baby. That's really disgusting. Taking someone in doesn't make them your servant or nanny. Discussions about expectations for everyone should have occurred early on. I loathe the idea of anyone moving in, but if I did take someone in I certainly wouldn't use the threat of sleeping in their car as a method of getting them to take on responsibilities I don't want to deal with.
Load More Replies... An 18yo should certainly have learned by now that she can't just wish away real life by whining about being "uncomfortable". She was not asked to do anything illegal, morally dubious, or sexual. She was asked to be adult enough to contribute to the household she's living in (apparently for free) and help an innocent infant. I knew how to change diapers at age 11 (or maybe before). The only time I've really had trouble was when I was 25 and faced with a baby so young there was still the cord stub and I wasn't sure how to get the diaper around that without causing harm. The baby's father (my husband's cousin) showed me how that worked, but I did the parts I knew how, and we weren't even staying with the cousin at the time, just visiting.
I'm 35 and have no idea what to do in practise theory yes, from seeing it, but I have never and will never change one. Nothing could make me do it. I will help people in any way I can, but I won't do anything related to children, that requires me to be responsible for their welfare.
Load More Replies... After reading this comment thread, I now understand why population rates are dropping. Yes, it's wildly expensive to have a kid......but there are a crazy amount of ADULTS announcing they wouldn't even know how to wipe an a*s and put a adhesive tabbed nappy on. Wonder if they figured out how pants work..... These folks wouldn't survive outside of this very distinct point in reality. As far as the article goes.....every single one of those ppl involved are a******s. He shouldn't have yelled at the niece. The mother should have taught her child on how to care for a baby, and 18 yr old should have been willing to help out. It's a diaper change. Takes 5 mins, and isn't a difficult thing to figure out. Humans survived nuclear war, I think that baby would survive a first timer diaper change. Many first time parents have never changed one before, yet they and their babies survive. Yikes.
I get not doing it for the first time, but it's worth a shot since it isn't rocket science and she could have googled a video or asked her friends for help. Since she was already running late what would 5-10 minutes have done especially since friends would be understanding if you are helping family, especially a baby. Being punctual is important, but life happens, as long as you communicate and it isn't a regular pattern. OP and daughter are ungrateful, the brother and gf offered help when they were in need and their help wasn't reciprocated. Regardless of right or wrong, the OP shouldn't have reacted the way she did. She could have acknowledged how both were feeling and the daughter and OP could have made it up to the brother because his feelings were valid. I wouldn't just kick them out, I would remove those people from my life.
ESH. Ground rules should have been established before moving in. Dad needed one time help-18yo could have helped if she knew how, etc. 18yo and her mother have a temp place to live and should be okay with being asked to help here and there, regardless of whether rent is being paid.
I'm sorry folks but she—and more importantly her daughter—is the AH. I have a teen who makes the same excuses for why they can't do something they're perfectly capable of doing. Every new parent figures out how to change the diaper. She can figure it out if you give her the agency. You can go on YouTube and literally look up "how to change a diaper."
Your grown a*s daighter lived with a baby for 3 months, and never saw how a diaper is changed? Sorry, NOBODY is comfortable changing a diaper, but damn, if her uncle and his wife helps you out and lets you live for over 3 months with them, damn you, you and your daughter should be helping out with some little tasks, even if ure not comfortable with it. I bet that they are also not very comfortable eith sharing their home with you, you are like intruders to their usual routine y and they had to get used to you unthankful beings. And it seems to me like you have raised a selfish kid.
You people are just plain idiots. Are you really so incompetent that you couldn’t figure out how to change a diaper? You literally undo it, raise the child's behind, wipe it, and apply another diaper. So what if she’s never done it before. So what if she makes a mess. Clean it up! Get some initiative and grow up. Bet she’s having sex, wonder what she’d do then? These people are users wanting a FREE PLACE TO LIVE but can’t be bothered to help the bread winner, ie, people who PAY FOR THAT PLACE TO LIVE with a small favor. Yes, dad would have had to figure something else out had he been there alone, probably would have scheduled the meeting for another time. It wasn’t unreasonable for him to expect his ADULT niece to change the diaper, she just didn't want to. What an entitled brat. Bet she changes her mind once she and mom have to live somewhere much more uncomfortable due to her selfishness. This daughter is an ADULT 18 yr old not 8!!!
Good Lord! A 5 year old can change a friggin diaper! Grow tf up & help out. Some women are parents by that age (which I don't recommend) but seriously ffs, just figure it out! It's not rocket science!
If you and your daughter are so adamant that she never help with a baby or even try, then find someone without a baby to freeload off of. YTA.
Who are all these people that think changing a diaper is like rocket science? It's pretty self explanatory. And even if you get it on backwards it still works. An 18 year old who is getting free rent absolutely can be taught it's good to be helpful and kind. Backing up her total self centeredness to me is just astounding. I like to be around people who help each other. That's how communities should be. What's up with all this endorsing total self-centeredness on Panda? When did it become bad to help people?
I hope you get asked to do something you're incredibly uncomfortable with that another person could easily do.
Load More Replies... YTA, they let you live with them in their home even when they have just had a child and probably need the space the least you can do is a small one time favour in turn for a roof over your head.
I'm 50 and I find this demand for childcare b******t. Someone took care of that baby prior to this. If you have a baby, you take care of your baby. That means making prior arrangements for assistance, not loosing your s**t because your unexpected demand was declined. If you agree to take someone in, you don't get to change the terms of their stay without discussion. If taking care of the baby wasn't discussed before then dad changes the diaper and later sits down with everyone to ask about adding occasional care to the mix. I don't care if the mother is Mother Teresa, demanding someone else take care of your baby is asinine. Dad should've just paused the porn he was watching or told whomever he was sexting that he'd brb and taken care of his baby (not buying this "meeting I'll get kicked out of" c**p, especially since it's never been an issue before, and the level of anger seems like rage for being dragged away from something he really, really, really didn't leave)
Load More Replies... No, just no. That's no even close to being similar situations. In fact, this is a childish argument.
Load More Replies... She does not need to learn childcare skills if she does not have a child. Parents love to assume their kid is the world's responsibility.
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