Dad Calls Out Wife And Puts An End To Her Unhealthy Obsession With Their 14-Year-Old Daughter’s “Pageant-Ready” Looks, Wonders If He’s A Jerk
Sometimes parents can view their little ones as an extension of themselves, to the extent that the kids become a representation of unrealized dreams and goals that didn’t pan out.
In a heartfelt post to the Am I The [Jerk] community, a concerned father revealed that this was the cause of a rift between him and his wife, who was once a prize-winning pageant queen. Troubled by his wife’s insistence on enforcing a strict dieting regimen and relentlessly criticizing their 14-year-old daughter’s appearance, which mirrored her own journey, the father could not bear to witness his child being traumatized for life. Taking a stand against all this, one thing led to another, leaving Dad asking for perspective from the internet.
Some parents choose to push their children to the extreme because of their unfulfilled goals
Image credits: Oswaldo Ibáñez (not the actual photo)
After discovering the regime his wife applied to their 14-year-old daughter, this dad put an end to it, sparking a messy falling out
Image credits: varyapigu (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Wavebreakmedia (not the actual photo)
Image credits: pageantdadthrowaway
Parental criticism can lead to emotional wounds and self-esteem issues
If you’ve ever seen the hit TV show Toddlers & Tiaras, you know that the child beauty pageant universe is a dog-eat-dog world. And despite criticism that child pageants exist only to provide an outlet for the narcissistic ambitions of their parents, the pageant industry still thrives.
Back in 2009, it was estimated that around 250,000 children participated in approximately 5,000 pageants within the United States.
Astonishingly, some parents were willing to spend up to $3,000 on dresses for their children’s participation. However, this amount pales in comparison to certain mothers who were prepared to invest a staggering sum of up to $70,000 in these competitions.
Of course, winning is great and can lead to many great things, as 16-year-old Isabella Barrett, a former beauty pageant queen featured on Toddlers & Tiaras and self-made millionaire proves. But it doesn’t come without a price. When their coaches, usually moms, criticize them for not following their diet regimen, this can lead to emotional problems and even rebellion.
“Shame doesn’t teach children right from wrong, it teaches them to avoid punishment,” Steven Stosny, Ph.D., the founder of Compassion Power, explained to Bored Panda in an email. “Shamed children tend to become sneaky. Pointing out to children how good they feel when they achieve something, when they are kind and compassionate is more effective than shaming them for failure.”
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
Dad filled the situation with additional info in the comments
The majority of people sided with the father, expressing their belief that it is unreasonable for any responsible parent to impose such a demanding lifestyle on their children
However, some people thought that it’s as his wife’s fault, as it is his
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Child Pageants should be banned in the States plain and simple (I'm assuming that is where they are from). Daughter needs to go to a therapist as soon as possible. Personally, I would cut my losses with the wife and get full custody of the daughter. This whole thing is just abusive and disgusting. Also, what kind of mother gets their daughter to mediate a fight?!?! And use their child as bait for their dad to cave? That is horrible.
Sadly, child pageants are worldwide, not just in the US. France, however, has managed to ban them for under 13 year olds.
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This is the child grooming that conservatives claim educators and LGBTQ people allegedly do. These children need protection from these lunatics.
Yup. The makeup and sexualized costumes that little girls are made to wear are clearly designed to appeal to a certain sort of adult.
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My hometown does child beauty paegants and you'll see families driving around with things like "Little Miss blah blah Contestant No 12!" written on their van windows. So lets just advertise to predators that they can see this kid perform in front of a group of adults then follow the van right to where the kid sleeps.
I'm really worried about the behavior of the wife. I'm coming at this from a background of having been abused by some really two-faced and narcissistic people that I thought were good and loving. The fact that the wife was intentionally hiding her behavior from her husband because she KNEW it was wrong really crosses a line. If she won't go to therapy, I think husband needs to think about divorce and getting full custody of his daughter.
This child needs to have 0 contact with this mother. Eating Disorders are the second highest cause of death for women and young girls diagnosed with mental health issues. This is nothing to mess around with.
At least YOU got your priorities straight. Your daughter's health is more important than some stupid prize. Even if in the end it would pay for her education.
My dear American friends: beauty peagants are freaking weird. Especially for children! Regards, The rest of the world
child paegants should be banned. Also, get that kid into therapy STAT, she's likely, with her already noted bad anxiety, going to end up with an eating disorder or something. Paegenting has destroyed her life without her even being aware of it!
She is preparing her daughter to have a lifelong eating disorder. Which likely would occur by the pressure and comments alone bur add in FORCED water fasting and 950 calorie diets for a growing 14 year old? If there is a such thing as Anorexia nervosa by proxy this is it.
People suggesting therapy to the mom must realise that forced therapy doesn't work. The mom knows pretty well that her obsession is unhealthy. But she doesn't want to admit it and work on it. That's why she's dismissing all therapists as 'quacks'. The daughter is already in therapy for the issues her mother causes. And I bet a monthly salary that mom is sabotaging that in every way she can because she already knows that the pageants are the main reason for her daughter's problems because of mommies obsession with them. She will not listen to anyone who will stop her from making her daughter live mommies lifestyle. This'll most likely end in a breakup and a very nasty custody battle where the daughter, who's already so abused and groomed by her mom that she doesn't dare to fight her anymore, will sabotage OP and suffer from it. OP should have never allowed this in the first place. Now it's almost too late. Mommy dearest has raised her daughter like a circus pony.
This is abuse, no doubt about it. OP'S daughter is on the road to eating disorders, clinical depression, possibly suicide. And teen pageants have an age limit. What happens when she turns 18? MORE pageants? Were OP'S daughter want to further her education, I don't think colleges would be impressed with this. Her mother is attempting to live out her fantasy through a vulnerable child, with no care as to her well-being. From now on, OP may want to watch this whole situation like a hawk; I don't trust his wife one bit. He may have to cut back on his business trips, so the pattern doesn't begin again. He may also want to have an attorney on retainer, just in case the marriage goes south. His wife would definitely fight for total custody; every incident needs to be documented. Putting his foot down may very well have saved his daughter's life.
The other a*****e in this situation is the pageant system itself if it's giving awards based on thinness.
1) daughter CLEARLY is trying to please mom, 2) mom bringing her in as a mediator is wrong on SO many levels, but that's also why she's probably trying to stay out of being in between mom and dad
ESH, but your wife is a big a*****e. People in the comments are blaming him for C even being in the pageants. First of all, it was said many times that C liked the pageants, she wasn't forced to do anything. Bring your family to a therapist ASAP. Your daughter can get a eating disorder. You also need to have a long talk with M. Health is more important then money. Next time, try and take her out sooner. You let her go to pageants 24/7, you should have done a monthly or yearly thing instead. But good for you, at least you stopped it as soon as you found out.
They are blaming him because pageants are inherently unhealthy...and there are loads of evidence out there showing that. And as far as the daughter "liking them"...my 7 year old likes ice cream for dinner 5 days a week...but that is not in her best interest and is extremely unhealthy...so as one of her adult parents, I disallow it. You can not always give a kid what he "likes" if it is harmful to them...and most have no clue how harmful pageants are until they are not kids anymore , have been battling anorexia for years, and whose self esteem and value as a woman is tied to how shiny their hair is or how skinny their waistlines are. And that is not even getting into the grown men that show up to leer at 5 year olds prancing around in makeup and swimsuits on stage....
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Seems like much of social media is a pageant these days. All you can do is opt out.
I met a girl who had been a pageant girl when I was in Bible college (in Canada, she came from the states) and she said it ruined her, even as a Christian she knew what was inside mattered she said she could never stop always trying to look "perfect". Getting up hours before class to do her hair and makeup. She suffered from crippling migraines and spent a lot of time alone in her dorm room in the dark.
Underfed children can have lifelong issues, starting with nutrition and ending with eating disorders. These are *children*. Making them into pedo-bait is wrong without encouraging anorexia. FFS, someone get that mother a shrink and that daugheter a *different* shrink, and protect that child!
From the posts, it looks like this article is at least three years old. As an Aussie, where we don't generally have such events, I am appalled that any parent would do this to her daughter. Truly horrible. As someone else has commented, child pageants should be done away with. THIS is an example of grooming and setting the child up for failure in life. I was so sad reading this.
This is awful. The part that really caught my attention was when Dad mentioned his wife brings their daughter into arguments, so she will get her way. That is so not right. The wife is a mean girl. I know the Dad is trying to right the boat, but I don't think he understands how much damage has already been done. He must protect his daughter at all costs, the mother can't be trusted. NTA by a long shot.
NOT THE AH!!! Not at all... he did the right thing. The mum sucks and needs to stop living through her daughter. That woman needs mental health support.
The mother is setting herself up for a no contact relationship. I'm 59. My mum has constantly made remarks about my weight and appearance all my life. I live in England, she's in Ireland. We were in Ireland to visit last week, and she chose to have a go at me in front of some family members, who were shocked at how I was spoken to. I shrugged it off, but when we caught the ferry back to England that night, and I cried myself to sleep.
The way the wife was planning on going behind his back while he was on business trips is really telling. What's to stop the wife from going behind his back with pageants while his out of the house. The wife obviously has psychological problems and refuses to get help. I wouldn't be surprised if they aren't divorced in a couple of years and honestly they should be. The sad thing is that the daughter will blame herself for whatever happens to her parents' marriage. I hope the dad does some therapy with the daughter so he can find out all the wife had done to the daughter and to help the daughter express herself.
Child Pageants should be banned in the States plain and simple (I'm assuming that is where they are from). Daughter needs to go to a therapist as soon as possible. Personally, I would cut my losses with the wife and get full custody of the daughter. This whole thing is just abusive and disgusting. Also, what kind of mother gets their daughter to mediate a fight?!?! And use their child as bait for their dad to cave? That is horrible.
Sadly, child pageants are worldwide, not just in the US. France, however, has managed to ban them for under 13 year olds.
Load More Replies... This is the child grooming that conservatives claim educators and LGBTQ people allegedly do. These children need protection from these lunatics.
Yup. The makeup and sexualized costumes that little girls are made to wear are clearly designed to appeal to a certain sort of adult.
Load More Replies... My hometown does child beauty paegants and you'll see families driving around with things like "Little Miss blah blah Contestant No 12!" written on their van windows. So lets just advertise to predators that they can see this kid perform in front of a group of adults then follow the van right to where the kid sleeps.
I'm really worried about the behavior of the wife. I'm coming at this from a background of having been abused by some really two-faced and narcissistic people that I thought were good and loving. The fact that the wife was intentionally hiding her behavior from her husband because she KNEW it was wrong really crosses a line. If she won't go to therapy, I think husband needs to think about divorce and getting full custody of his daughter.
This child needs to have 0 contact with this mother. Eating Disorders are the second highest cause of death for women and young girls diagnosed with mental health issues. This is nothing to mess around with.
At least YOU got your priorities straight. Your daughter's health is more important than some stupid prize. Even if in the end it would pay for her education.
My dear American friends: beauty peagants are freaking weird. Especially for children! Regards, The rest of the world
child paegants should be banned. Also, get that kid into therapy STAT, she's likely, with her already noted bad anxiety, going to end up with an eating disorder or something. Paegenting has destroyed her life without her even being aware of it!
She is preparing her daughter to have a lifelong eating disorder. Which likely would occur by the pressure and comments alone bur add in FORCED water fasting and 950 calorie diets for a growing 14 year old? If there is a such thing as Anorexia nervosa by proxy this is it.
People suggesting therapy to the mom must realise that forced therapy doesn't work. The mom knows pretty well that her obsession is unhealthy. But she doesn't want to admit it and work on it. That's why she's dismissing all therapists as 'quacks'. The daughter is already in therapy for the issues her mother causes. And I bet a monthly salary that mom is sabotaging that in every way she can because she already knows that the pageants are the main reason for her daughter's problems because of mommies obsession with them. She will not listen to anyone who will stop her from making her daughter live mommies lifestyle. This'll most likely end in a breakup and a very nasty custody battle where the daughter, who's already so abused and groomed by her mom that she doesn't dare to fight her anymore, will sabotage OP and suffer from it. OP should have never allowed this in the first place. Now it's almost too late. Mommy dearest has raised her daughter like a circus pony.
This is abuse, no doubt about it. OP'S daughter is on the road to eating disorders, clinical depression, possibly suicide. And teen pageants have an age limit. What happens when she turns 18? MORE pageants? Were OP'S daughter want to further her education, I don't think colleges would be impressed with this. Her mother is attempting to live out her fantasy through a vulnerable child, with no care as to her well-being. From now on, OP may want to watch this whole situation like a hawk; I don't trust his wife one bit. He may have to cut back on his business trips, so the pattern doesn't begin again. He may also want to have an attorney on retainer, just in case the marriage goes south. His wife would definitely fight for total custody; every incident needs to be documented. Putting his foot down may very well have saved his daughter's life.
The other a*****e in this situation is the pageant system itself if it's giving awards based on thinness.
1) daughter CLEARLY is trying to please mom, 2) mom bringing her in as a mediator is wrong on SO many levels, but that's also why she's probably trying to stay out of being in between mom and dad
ESH, but your wife is a big a*****e. People in the comments are blaming him for C even being in the pageants. First of all, it was said many times that C liked the pageants, she wasn't forced to do anything. Bring your family to a therapist ASAP. Your daughter can get a eating disorder. You also need to have a long talk with M. Health is more important then money. Next time, try and take her out sooner. You let her go to pageants 24/7, you should have done a monthly or yearly thing instead. But good for you, at least you stopped it as soon as you found out.
They are blaming him because pageants are inherently unhealthy...and there are loads of evidence out there showing that. And as far as the daughter "liking them"...my 7 year old likes ice cream for dinner 5 days a week...but that is not in her best interest and is extremely unhealthy...so as one of her adult parents, I disallow it. You can not always give a kid what he "likes" if it is harmful to them...and most have no clue how harmful pageants are until they are not kids anymore , have been battling anorexia for years, and whose self esteem and value as a woman is tied to how shiny their hair is or how skinny their waistlines are. And that is not even getting into the grown men that show up to leer at 5 year olds prancing around in makeup and swimsuits on stage....
Load More Replies... Seems like much of social media is a pageant these days. All you can do is opt out.
I met a girl who had been a pageant girl when I was in Bible college (in Canada, she came from the states) and she said it ruined her, even as a Christian she knew what was inside mattered she said she could never stop always trying to look "perfect". Getting up hours before class to do her hair and makeup. She suffered from crippling migraines and spent a lot of time alone in her dorm room in the dark.
Underfed children can have lifelong issues, starting with nutrition and ending with eating disorders. These are *children*. Making them into pedo-bait is wrong without encouraging anorexia. FFS, someone get that mother a shrink and that daugheter a *different* shrink, and protect that child!
From the posts, it looks like this article is at least three years old. As an Aussie, where we don't generally have such events, I am appalled that any parent would do this to her daughter. Truly horrible. As someone else has commented, child pageants should be done away with. THIS is an example of grooming and setting the child up for failure in life. I was so sad reading this.
This is awful. The part that really caught my attention was when Dad mentioned his wife brings their daughter into arguments, so she will get her way. That is so not right. The wife is a mean girl. I know the Dad is trying to right the boat, but I don't think he understands how much damage has already been done. He must protect his daughter at all costs, the mother can't be trusted. NTA by a long shot.
NOT THE AH!!! Not at all... he did the right thing. The mum sucks and needs to stop living through her daughter. That woman needs mental health support.
The mother is setting herself up for a no contact relationship. I'm 59. My mum has constantly made remarks about my weight and appearance all my life. I live in England, she's in Ireland. We were in Ireland to visit last week, and she chose to have a go at me in front of some family members, who were shocked at how I was spoken to. I shrugged it off, but when we caught the ferry back to England that night, and I cried myself to sleep.
The way the wife was planning on going behind his back while he was on business trips is really telling. What's to stop the wife from going behind his back with pageants while his out of the house. The wife obviously has psychological problems and refuses to get help. I wouldn't be surprised if they aren't divorced in a couple of years and honestly they should be. The sad thing is that the daughter will blame herself for whatever happens to her parents' marriage. I hope the dad does some therapy with the daughter so he can find out all the wife had done to the daughter and to help the daughter express herself.
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