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40 Unexpected Culture Shocks That Challenged People’s Intercultural Relationships
Communication is key in really any relationship, from a friend/coworker all the way up to one’s spouse. While it seems cliché, the fact is that all too many people don’t communicate with their loved ones, which gets even harder if there are significant cultural barriers in play.
We’ve gathered some of the most interesting posts from folks sharing what it’s like to have an intercultural relationship from across the internet. Get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and if you have any experience with this, be sure to share your story in the comments below.
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#1
I had been dating a Dutch guy for almost a year. One day I wanted to buy a bottle of water but had no spare change with me so I asked him to borrow some. The bottle costed approximately 1.2 euros. Somehow the following week I had completely forgotten to give his money back. The next morning he wrote a very detailed message about how borrowing money without returning them shows a bad character, with his PayPal account at the end so could transfer the money.
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#2
My boyfriend is Venezuelan and HE IS ALWAYS LATE!! My best friend is also Venezuelan (we met before I met my bf) and she used to drive me crazy with the same thing. How hard is it to just be ready when I give you a time???
#4
Am British. The traditional mating dance of my people is - find someone you like and mock them mercilessly and relentlessly until one of you passes. Sincerity is reserved for weddings, funerals and the birth of children, and even then you have to make fun of the baby.
I now live in the US. Turns out that this doesn’t go down well with many Americans much of the time. People are sometimes sincerely nice????? to people they want to see naked here????? Before marriage?????
#5
My partner is Portuguese. Absolutely lovely family but they are LOUD. Not in a bad way, just talk about things loudly and all at once - my family is pretty conservative so was a big shock!
#6
My ex is Greek, very passionate about food.
Me/ not so much. Not at all. Food to me is just that, food to keep me going and healthy. I appreciate people who are really into it and delight in preparing it.
He would always try and get me to eat more than I wanted to and it annoyed me to no end. I stop eating when I’m full or I’ll just graze eat through out my day. I actually had to get really firm and sometimes snappy with him about it because he was a over bearing. We eventually got on the same page. But goodness.
#8
Dating a Japanese guy felt like being in a long distance relationship even if you live together. The long working hours, lack of physical affection, privacy, etc. makes it hard to figure out if your partner even likes you as a person. Hell, we got married and have kids and sometimes I still question it, lol.
#9
I’m Brazilian and my husband is Scottish. His sense of humour is amazing. So quick and dry! But there’s no PDA at all! In Brazil is very common for couples to kiss passionately in public and are even expected to do so. I felt so rejected for a long time because he would only show me affection when we were together in a room! Scottish people love to “roast” people and you should expect to be mocked constantly and not show any resentment!! Brazilians are very agreeable but very proud and sensitive, so it’s been rather difficult to adapt hahaha
I’m now living in Scotland and apparently the way people make friends here is by binge drinking, pub crawling (and getting kicked out) together. Eventually you’re just pals?
In Brazil people would make conversation, ask everything about you, then maybe ask you for a coffee or some light drinking at first. I feel it’s really difficult to make friends here if you’re not into drinking until you pass out.
#10
My ex was US born and raised but his mom was from Thailand and still had family there.
We went on a 2 week vacation there and stayed with his aunt and uncle. We visited with lots of family members while there and they would all aggressively insist on paying for us but I guess secretly they were all annoyed that we let them pay for things.
We spent a lot of time with his cousin and wife who were close in our age and they would pay for EVERYTHING. Like we were at a mall and I was browsing in a store and went to check out and when his cousin saw me with money in my hand he straight up RAN across the mall with his wallet in his hand to stop me from paying. We just thought they were being generous and good hosts but my ex’s mom called us from the US a few days later and told us her sister was complaining that her son had no more money and couldn’t afford to take us out all the time and we needed to give them money and pay for things.
After we left I heard some other family members had similar things to say about us letting them pay for us and being rude and stuff and not leaving money for his aunt and uncle who hosted us. It actually hurt my feelings really badly because I thought they were being genuine when they offered to pay and didn’t realize there was an expectation that we were supposed to gift them with money after.
#11
Asian here dating a North American. He doesn't understand why I'm so close to my family. It's especially hard because our family immigrated to NA, which brought us even closer together. I love spending time with my family, and he likes them, but doesn't see himself visiting family often. In the future if we're still together, I would love to be able to have a meal with them at least once a week, or even just once a month. He's content going a few weeks without contacting family at all, not even his own. Never understood it, his parents are great and have grown to be better than they were during his childhood. We're learning more about each other every day, that's for sure lol.
#12
Don't know if this works because I'm not in it anymore. My first real adult relationship was with a Muslim man. His family was very religious, he was a practicing muslim for the most part. He grew up in Germany in a very conservative household and I grew up in California, my family is Hindu and liberal, so we had a TON of cultural differences. He was funny, brilliant and so incredibly cool and confident. I think he was really torn between wanting to be progressive and open but still afraid of disappointing his family, disobeying his religion and had trouble breaking away from his societal norms.
Dealing with someone who was stuck in between wasn't easy and I had made many sacrifices to make our relationship work. When we met he told me he loved everything about how free, opinionated and outgoing I was. A few weeks in he told me that he liked the way I dressed but that it wasn't appropriate for me to wearing certain things in public when I was with him, so I started to dress more conservatively when we were out together. A few months in he said he was always worried that something bad would happen when I'd go out and drink with my friends and that drinking was wrong, so I stopped drinking. He told me he loved how outgoing I was but didn't think it was okay to go out to a bar/club alone with my close male friends because thats when bad things happen, so I stopped doing that. I think everything finally came to a head when I called him out on all the things he did that didn't fall under being a good muslim like smoking w**d and having s*x.
He said something along the lines of he wanted to be with someone like me in theory and loved me but when he was in it, he felt like it was wrong and he was worried about my salvation, which sucked to hear. I think the socio-cultural and religious differences proved to be too much for us.
Anyways, I do think intercultural relationships can work, as long as both parties and readily compromising. Which wasn't the case in my relationship.
Randomosity 5 minutes ago
Should've left that relationship the moment he told you what to wear.
#13
From the UK, my partner is from southern US. Took him to England last year, he liked it a lot. Didn’t really understand some manners and customs, or why there are dogs at the pub, milk in the tea or why we were going for an after dinner walk in the rain. He also raised an eyebrow at my 19 yo niece drinking and smoking. My family is super lefty liberal and his is the exact opposite, my family adores him but he has been hesitant to have me meet some of his family. We will see how it goes!
#14
My partner is also Dutch, she's from the south and her family speaks Limburgish at home, though they also speak regular Dutch and most speak German due to the border proximity.
Honestly, the biggest shock was realizing how different Canadians were. We kinda get painted with the "polite American" banner, which is generally accurate, but little differences my SO would point out were very interesting. The other biggest has been trying to learn Dutch/Limburgish, having a really tough time of it, but her Oma from a small village in Limburg really appreciates it and even laughed at a butchered joke I made there. I was really worried they'd get annoyed or make fun of my broken Dutch, but they were actually just really happy I made an effort to try. Its a hard language to learn with only English I find.
The biggest thing with her is how polite and sincere a lot of random Canadians are in public. Almost everyone thanks bus drivers or Uber drivers or service staff, which her whole family found weird for their first years here as in there mind "you're thanking them for doing what they're paid for. What?". When I said Dankjewel to the Tram Driver in Amsterdam, they were surprised and I believe made a comment to my SO joking in Dutch.
There was also a big difference in "class" stuff I guess you could say. In NL, she claims they are very formal with the way they address teachers, parents, authority figures basically. In Canada, we are almost always on equal footing besides using little things like "Mr/ms" and "sir". She found the casual way I'd make jokes at my parents very jarring at first.
The biggest shock for her was probably our slang and language at first coming to Canada. She learned most of her English from TV and books, but those don't match how Canadian teenagers speak whatsoever, it's like 60% slang.
Her biggest shock from dating a Canadian probably comes from the fact that I'm a Newfoundlanders from a big Newfoundlanders family on both sides. Our culture is quite a bit different from hers, and is extremely inclusive most of the time (Come from away, for an extreme example. My town is an hour away from Gander). My mother immediately was hugging her, showing her around, making jokes about us together, and she said "love you both" as we left. We'd been dating for quite a bit here, but this was still hugely different to how her parents act. For reference, I think my mom hugged her then and her own mom hadn't in over a decade. She also said vocalizations of their love were strange, but my mum and dad were big about saying I love you before going to bed or getting off the phone.
It really has been interesting and I love NL and NL food!
EDIT: The Cheek Kissing gets me so awkward too! How are you more reserved than us but kissing everyone?! I swear I turn into a tomato whenever it happens.
#15
Not with a partner but just in general:
In Ireland it’s customary to say no to anything offered to be polite. Even if you really want it. Eg:
“Will you have a cup of tea?”
“No, thanks”
“Ah go on”
“No, I’m fine”
“Go on”
“Ok, if it’s not too much trouble.”
Turns out in America if you say no they just say “ok” and you never get your tea. Crazy Americans how dare they not be able to read my mind!
#16
My partner is from the American South and I'm from the Midwest. My biggest shock was learning a toboggan is a wool hat and not a sled where he's from. I found out when he said something about wearing a toboggan, and I was like, what.
#17
I dated a Bolivian guy for a few months as a USA born person. Biggest shock was how they displayed affection. He wanted constant kissing and physical contact, and also expected me to buy gifts and celebrate each month anniversary. As someone who dislikes PDA and over the top displays of affection it was rough for me, and I felt like I never satisfied his desires in the relationship.
#18
I'm South Asian and so is my husband, we currently have my MIL staying with us.
After I got married, she expected my mom to call her and ask permission for me to visit... which is apparently a really old cultural thing. I laughed my a*s off all the way to my mom's house after I said no way.
#19
My boyfriend and his mom are Chinese. When we visited his mother, she got a lot of food for us. I normally don't eat too much. So after I had my dinner, she was shocked I wouldn't eat anymore.
I got another plate and stuffed myself in order to not be rude 😔. Ever since then, I've been eating more so I can prepare myself to eat at future family dinners.
#20
I’m American and my husband is Chinese. The biggest culture shock is when we went to a Chinese New Years party with other Chinese nationals living in the US and the hosts handed us red bags when we came in. I didn’t know what this was but said thanks! and moved on. Later in the night I opened these red bags, expecting a card or nice note, but they were giving out HUNDREDS of dollars! My husband was unmoved because he said this is always what they do when celebrating the new year or other big events. I’ve come to learn that money and gifts are a show of respect to the Chinese way more than they are in America. I can go to my aunts house and not bring her a gift, but if we don’t bring a gift to his aunts she says we are disrespectful.
#21
I’m from the US and married a Venezuelan and I always knew they are more family oriented then me but my god her family will just show up at our house randomly. They all live separately but will gather together and just show up. No text or calls even to my wife. Also they just walk in no knocking or anything, if the door is locked and they have to knock they think it’s rude. I don’t know why they can’t be away from each other for more the. A couple days.
#22
My husband's family are Polish and Catholic (I'm English and Protestant) so they celebrate Christmas more on Christmas Eve than Christmas Day. Also, the Christmas dinner I went to had EIGHT courses! Apparently, that was a cut-down version and they normally have TWELVE! My parents normally feed the 5000 on Christmas but even so, they only do two courses.
Apart from that, he won't drink or eat meat on certain days which doesn't bother me because I don't drink and I've been trying to reduce my meat intake anyway.
The only thing I've found challenging is more due to regional differences than cultural. My husband grew up in Yorkshire and there are some words that are completely normal and acceptable to say there but are very offensive anywhere else in the country so I had to tell him not to say those words anymore.
#23
Not really a partner but when I was online dating a Woman asked me to attend church with her for our first date .
I'm Christian and a church goer but that was A LOT even for me . I think I was her first online date so she didn't realize what a big ask that was, to me that's like asking me to meet your parents on a first date.
#24
I'm a swiss woman going out with a British man. The lack of quality food at supermarkets shocked me. The British way of "eating healthy" too.
#25
My partner is Indian - if he cooks and offers me food he gets really upset and keep asking until I say yes. Apparently it’s rude to turn down offered food in India.
When I’ve visited and stayed with his parents I’ve always said yes, it’s only an issue when I’m not hungry or he’s made something really Indian that I’m not a fan off and rather waste my calories on something else.
#26
When I was living in Austria, my Slovenian ex boyfriend used to absolutely cringe at the way I wash dishes and vice versa.
I'm British and I can't speak for all Brits but we do have a tendency to fill up the sink (or a bowl within the sink) with water and washing up liquid, wash everything in there, leave it to dry and then tip the dirty water out. Rinsing is optional (I am not a rinser)
He honestly used to gag at this.
I, on the other hand, was so bemused as he basically used a year's supply of water and dish soap while washing a few plate under a constantly running steam.
(Side note: he also tipped thinks like leftover soup down the toilet - is that a thing?)
I'll be honest though - everyone I met from the continent was absolutely outraged at the 'British method'. One French girl refused to eat off my plates.
To this day, I don't know what's right or wrong but I absolutely love the controversy 😂.
#28
My ex is Albanian and I he had an attitude like "I am the man, I will take care of you" which I wasn't used to. I went on holiday to Greece and he sent me about 200 Euros to buy him some cigarettes and said to keep the rest, which was around 80 Euros. He was ultra masculine and had an attitude of I was to be taken care of, but almost in a controlling way. He was always sweet and soft when it was just us, but anytime we were out in public, like at a coffee shop, it felt like he was putting on an act to prove himself. I left him when I realised that although he was good to me, his mother would never let him marry a non Albanian and he'd choose his mother over me lol.
#29
Not really culture as much as it is class for me, but my SO is from a fairly middle class family, i come from the benefit background. The biggest shock for me was literally how my entire way of life is so far from what most people consider normal.. I thought it was normal for everyone to shout at eachother but it turns out all my family are crazy mentally ill and refuse to get help because "they shouldn't have to change who they are" even though they watched me change into a better person through medication and therapy and it just baffles me how people can just chose not to better themselves and the lives around them? My SOs family are the kindest people I have ever met, they have clean homes, cars, jobs... all the things that I hope to achieve one day.
#30
I lived in Peru for a while and stayed in a hostel for the first few days after arriving. The owner of the hostel was super helpful and, despite also owning a guide business, didn’t try to sell me anything. We hung out and he introduced me to some local rock climbers and told me about an upcoming climbing competition. I ended up becoming part of a community of amazing climbers and guides, finding roommates, and a romantic partner.
Months later, I found out that my partner’s brother worked with the hostel owner at his guide business. It dawned on me that the guy probably had no idea I had settled in the city, partly thanks to his help. We were going to the guide business to meet the brother and I thought I might see the company owner. I’d just baked some cookies, so I brought some as a gift to say thanks for all his kindness.
It did NOT go over well. The whole workplace fell silent. The awkwardness was palpable. My partner was furious with me.
I guess in Peru you DO NOT bake for someone else’s man. Lesson learned.
#31
I had always dated men 10-20 years older than me until one day one asked me about watching the cartoon He Man growing up. I kindly replied that was before my time and realized that it really is harder to relate to people of a different generation.
#32
I'm Dutch. Once, my Dutch friend got a request to pay back 30 cents. We still laugh over it.
#33
American marrying hardcore Chinese. Almost everything from parents to money to what we perceive as “clean”; clearly wrong and incorrect Chinese medicine, how to argue, how to resolve conflict, how you have sex, what you eat. How you have and treat friends of both sexes.
#34
We are from neighbouring European countries, me UK and him France, so there's very little difference but I can think of a few straight off. France has a weird tradition of wishing each other a happy saint's day, they literally have all the saints' names on every calendar and expect a cake or at least a phone call "bonne fête Marie/Eric/etc !".
A well known one in France is spending 3-4 hours at the dinner table, we snack lunch in the UK, we might even eat while on the go.
Yet again in France, it's the custom to greet people by kissing them on the cheek, some people do sloppy smackers (ugh I just tap my cheek on theirs) but if you kiss your darling children on the mouth everyone looks at you like you're a pedophile. And the French have a nasty habit of joking about small children being in love if a girl plays with a boy, "I'm not leaving those two alone ha ha ha" which I think is gross, how can anyone sexualise babies and toddlers? It's like the 70s or something.
#35
My husband is Mexican and his family does everything extremely spontaneously. My family plans vacations months in advance, even dinner at each others’ houses is at least a week ahead of time. Luckily for me he is a planner too but the rest of the family is super spontaneous. Also so much more friendly
#36
My partner is French and I’m german.
We compromised on having dinner around 7PM rather than 8:30 or later for him and 6 for me. Also Germans eat cold at dinner and to him it was so odd, somwe agreed to only do it half the evenings.
I accepted to be less direct with him in feedback because he just sometimes could not handle my directness. In turn he tried to be more direct and not add fluff because I sometimes will not get what he means if he adds too much indirectness.
I introduced him to German beds: two separate 90cm mattresses in a single 1.8m bed and both get their own covers. He thought it was super unromantic at first but now he wonders how he ever lived with one sheet in a tiny 1.40m bed with his previous girlfriend. If both are well rested both are happier!!
I had to learn how to spend hours and hours on a table for a big holiday dinner. In Germany we put everything on the table for dinner then we eat then we are done. In France every course is eaten and then they start cooking the next one and it’ll probably be 30min. On occasions like Christmas this can take FOREVER. And I kinda hate it. I just want to be done eating and do something else. I’ve had to accept that habit and just get up During courses for a little walk to not get too bored or antsy
#37
I’m Asian American and my boyfriend is not. I show my love through actions and I’d get upset if my needs or wants weren’t anticipated. Asians tend to be very good hosts and are always offering food, water, etc. After meeting his family, I understand that these things need to be vocalized. My communication has improved a lot and to his credit, he’s gotten better at being proactive in our relationship.
#38
I'm Ukrainian and my bf is Filipino. Biggest difference is the family size. My family is tiny tiny, just me and my mum. We don't have any family in Canada, and I'm not close/have contact with the people back home. His immediate family has about literal dozens when it comes to cousins, aunts, uncles etc.
It's incredibly overwhelming to have so many people in your face when it comes to holidays. I had to break out of my shell more, but him and his family had to accept that I need to get out and walk around for a bit to cool off.
#39
I'm a white Christian American woman and my boyfriend is an Arab Muslim Saudi man! I guess I've gotten used to eating a lot less pork (I still eat some haha) and I also like partaking in a later dinner sometimes.
I guess a belief for me that has changed was that it opened my eyes a lot to Arab people and Muslim people in general even though I already had Muslim friends.
Oh yeah, and in Arabic you don't pronounce Islam like "IZ-lam" you pronounce it like "Issss-lam" (like a snake S.)
#40
My partner is from Argentina and I'm from Guatemala. We both are native Spanish speakers and yet we have completely different words for the same thing.
Example: pineapple in Guatemala is called "piña" and in Argentina is "ananá". "Piña" in Argentina means punching so imagine his shock when I first asked him if he liked "piñas"?
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