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Swimming in warm water in the summertime. Placing the final piece of a puzzle that’s taken you months to complete. ‘Roasting’ someone online with a comeback so witty and so savage, they had to call the ‘Oh Snap’ and fire brigades. All three things have one thing in common—they’re all human experiences that make us feel gooood.
The ‘Clever Comebacks’ subreddit is one of the best places on the net to go to for awesome retorts that will forever be enshrined on the internet in online screenshots. Check out some of the most on-point and hilarious comebacks they posted ever. Remember to upvote your fave ones and we hope they’ll inspire you to show off your wit the next time someone says something dumb or has a go at you.
Bored Panda was interested to learn about what makes comebacks witty and about comedic timing, so we reached out to comedy writer and author of 'How to Live to 100,' Ariane Sherine. Read on to learn what she told us. What’s the best comeback that you’ve ever said or heard in real life, dear Readers? Do you think that the pen is mightier than the sword? Share your thoughts with all of us in the comments.
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#1
I Understand Completely
RELATED:
#2
Never Underestimate A Woman
Martha Meyer 5 years ago
I bet this same guy thinks he's qualified to talk about abortion even though he can't give birth.
Sophia Graubart 5 years ago
I have seen this before on bored panda, and personally i liked a comment that said "men, you can't give birth, sit down when abortions are discussed". I think Foxxy (the original) said it
Louloubelle 5 years ago
Oh, pooh. I think you're right. I knew I heard it here. She's very clever.
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Katie Gardner 4 years ago
We can’t be drafted but we still voluntarily sign up. I’m a female vet.
Louloubelle 5 years ago
Men you can't have babies. Now sit down and shut up when abortion is discussed.
Leo Domitrix 5 years ago
Yes, leave women out of war discussions. We just die in them. No concern of ours. *loads shotgun*
Frank Ropen 4 years ago
He doesn't say women must not be soldiers, but should be drafted too. Gender equality
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Jill 5 years ago
I dont want to be too political here, but couldnt we say the same thing about a woman's right to choose?
Si 5 years ago (edited)
No. The person who has the final say over what medical procedures are or are not done to their body is the person who owns it. only exception is if the person is incapable of giving medical consent. It’s not a debate, it’s a fundamental human right.
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David Roughton 4 years ago
Wait a second! The U.S. Military no longer HAS the Draft, so neither can you. SO, SIT DOWN & SHUT UP❗❗❗🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Frank Ropen 4 years ago
The draft is officially known as the Selective Service. The Selective Service is a government bureau apart from the Department of Defense whose mission statement is: "To register men and maintain a system that, when authorized by the President and Congress, rapidly provides personnel in a fair and equitable manner while managing an alternative service program for conscientious objectors." Basically, this means that if we ever have a national emergency or war that the all-volunteer military cannot adequately support, Congress and the president can reinstate the draft and force male citizens to serve in the military.
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Frank Ropen 4 years ago
Why, seems like he is for gender equality in drafting.
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Nina Hill 4 years ago
Love, love, love this. Like hell women can't think deeply and wisely for themselves, enough to contribute to the society that can AVOID wars and harbor PEACE, or at the very least, RESPECT and DIGNITY. Would this a**e say something so full of strife to his own mother? She's lucky she had a man to help with all that baby-making, child-producing, raising and rearing of this foolish misogynist. Someone forgot they needed that breast to nurse and thereby SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD. He's lucky she didn't turn his life into an act of war and abort him before he ever made his way out to express such ignorance #prolife #beingyourmothermusthavebeendifficult
Daniel (ShadowDrakken) 4 years ago
Also, women can voluntarily register for the same elective service that men are forced to register for. Which is basically pointless because the draft has been more or less abolished anyway.
Frank Ropen 4 years ago
Basically, this means that if we ever have a national emergency or war that the all-volunteer military cannot adequately support, Congress and the president can reinstate the draft and force male citizens to serve in the military.
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Katherine Boag 4 years ago
The draft has been replaced by poverty. That racist, sexist dickhead will never be drafted, so he should also STFU
over it already 5 years ago
Didn't even know this lady (nope, this Colonel) existed until a few minutes ago, and already she's one of my favorite people!
A Nerd For Thought 4 years ago (edited)
also don't men always die in war and their wives get their money.... go ahead i'll be here with your money and home.
Frank Ropen 4 years ago
Let me make a silmilar statement: Rich people. You can't be drafted. Sit down when war is discussed.
Christopher Lee 4 years ago
Men can't get pregnant so perhaps they should sit the hell down and shut the f**k up when a woman's right to choose is being discussed.
BiLal Asif 4 years ago
Isn't sexist to tell your tale in a way to disparage other gender? #feminist #feminism
Black Panther 4 years ago
Go ladies and stuff 👍🏾👍🏾✊🏾✊🏾👏🏾👏🏾♀️I'm not a feminist or anything but yeah.
Kostas 5 years ago
In 2003, General Jay Garner, the director of the Office for Reconstruction and Humanitarian Assistance, selected Olson to be his executive officer in helping to rebuild Iraq after Operation Iraqi Freedom.[6] Three months into the role, Garner was replaced by Paul Bremer, and the Department of Defense charged Olson with providing improper assistance to a private security firm from South Africa. Though she denies the allegations, Olson accepted a non-judicial punishment rather than face a potential court martial by pleading guilty to administrative violations and accepting a written reprimand. She was allowed to retire with an honorable discharge without a reduction in rank,[6][7] which she received in May 2005.[6][8]
Gin Marie 4 years ago
The DoD at the time was also punishing rape victims instead of rapists by going after victims if they were accused of anything questionable, often by the rapists. Under Bush, the DoD was flooded with religious righties, who also forced gays out of the military for being gay.
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cursed--alien 5 years ago
I think that nobody should ever be drafted, regardless of gender. The draft violates people's autonomy.
Gin Marie 4 years ago
Men can't be drafted either, Trumpie, not since 1973.
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Chich 5 years ago
So if a draft comes back, be forced to join up rather than do it voluntarily? That is some how better? Playing the odds and hoping that your name isn't called? This woman and many more *wanted* to enlist and *did*.
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#3
“Migrants Can’t Assimilate Into Society”
Comedy writer Ariane told Bored Panda that, in her opinion, witty comebacks can be both spontaenous and planned out. "I've definitely come up with comebacks that are spontaneous. For instance, I told my daughter that if she didn't behave, I'd give her inheritance to a donkey sanctuary. She said, 'You wouldn't', and I came back, 'You bet your ass!' But though I hadn't used that comeback before, I clearly had knowledge of the pun and might have used something similar in the past."
She also pointed out something that honestly took me by surprise: "When it comes to stand-up, a lot of heckle putdowns are scripted and shared among comics." And here I thought that heckles were all instinctive and natural. I'll have to rethink some stuff about my fave comedians now.
#4
Love This Guy
#5
Idk If This Has Been Posted Before, But I Love His Little Smile
#6
People Really Live In Their Own Little Bubbles
Ariane said that the line between a regular comeback and one that makes us snort into our cups of tea is clear for everyone to see. "It needs to be very fast, well-timed, and take people by surprise as well as being clever, witty, and immediately understandable." So no pressure then!
The beauty of comedy, according to Ariane, is that (sometimes) our subconscious mind kicks in and takes us by surprise, along with the audience. "But that's relatively rare in my experience. I'm sure many other comics are more natural than I am!
#7
Please Wear A Mask And Stay Safe
#9
Thank You Andy Wang!
Truth Monster 5 years ago
cultural gatekeeping has got to be the dumbest thing I have ever seen. The best and most inclusive societies culturally appropriate all. the. time.
The ‘Clever Comebacks’ community was founded in January 2018 and will be celebrating its 3-year anniversary very soon. In that time, they’ve amassed nearly 679k loyal members who are practicing the ancient art of the perfect comeback.
Personally, I think that comebacks are all about accurate, piercing, rapier-like wit. And the essence of wit is brevity, spontaneity, and stating the truth. It’s not a comeback if you spend an hour thinking about it and then another hour writing it out. Comebacks are the sniper rifles of the verbal battlefield. Not shotguns. Not machine guns. It’s all about one phrase—one roast.
The BBC tends to agree with my point of view. According to Rhea Wessel, witty comebacks can’t be planned—they can only be made in the moment. And timing is everything. Even if you come up with the perfect thing you could’ve said while you’re in the shower a day later, that amazing comeback is useless now. Too little. Too late.
#10
I Don’t Care If Repost Made Me Laugh
#12
British Museum
That’s actually the beauty of comebacks. Sometimes, you end up just as surprised by your wit as everyone else is. It’s like, for a single beautiful moment, the Spirit of Absolute Roasting possessed you and gave you glorious guidance.
Abigail Paul, the artistic director at the Theatre Language Studio in Frankfurt, told the BBC that we can improve our wit by giving ourselves just a bit of extra time to craft a great answer. Strangely enough, that involves becoming a better listener. We need to train ourselves to listen to others and respond appropriately, instead of tuning out and only thinking about the points we want to make in the discussion. That way, you’ll be more than ready to mount a witty defense because you won’t be caught unaware.
#13
This Is A Really Good Reply To Trump's Tweet
#14
Raw Skiny Jeans Bat
#15
Useless Trees
#16
What An Awful Way To Protect The Elderly
#17
Rage Against Something
#18
Actions Speak Louder Than Words.
#19
Separate Payments
#20
They Also Don't Come In Exciting Anime
#22
Big Footprints To Fill
#23
Not Mine But On Point
#24
Another Reason To Love The Beatles
#25
Elite Finish
Foxxy (The Original) 5 years ago
What kind of relationship is that. We don’t have his money or my money, it is OUR money.
#26
Flameproofing? But My House Isn't On Fire!
#27
Flat Earthers Make Me Happy Because I Know I'm Not A Complete Failure
Foxxy (The Original) 5 years ago
Is this just a joke to tease flat earthers or do flat earthers actually use the “flat” horizon as their argument? Do they not realise that we can’t see the curve because the earth is so large.
#28
Does This Count? The Author Actually Replied Back To Me Lmao
#29
That Last Line Though
#30
Left vs. Right
#31
They Did Not See This Coming
#32
Columbus Day
Truth Monster 5 years ago
End up in a random aisle and whatever you find there is now "Indian Food."
#33
Austin Powers Would Be Proud Of That Comeback
#34
'im Tired Of Being Responsible For Something That Is Entirely My Resposibility.'
#35
I Love Puns
#36
Who’ll Email You When You Block Him
#37
Can't Get Any More Clever Than This
Kirsten Kerkhof 5 years ago
I will never have the guts to send a reply like that, but by Golly, I wish I would ...
#38
Invasive Species
#39
Don’t Boast About Your Iq Test
#40
Oof! British People Be Like...
#41
Honesty Is The Best Policy
#43
Depends On Who Writes The Comic
#44
Boomer vs. Millenial
#46
She Isn’t A Walking Womb
Lauren Caswell 5 years ago
F**k this molyneux d**k. He was banned from speaking here (new zealand) in 2018 I think, the brainless monstrous mosque shooter donated to his causes and his petition to be allowed to do his stupid speaking event in NZ. Then murdered the innocent souls in cold blood at one of our mosques. So that's the kind of person who supports this fuckwad. No thanks. (NB not meaning to mislead, I'm personally agnostic, but say "our mosques" just as I would say "our churches/synagogues/temples/etc". A kiwi is a kiwi. A person is a person.)
#47
Weird Motives
wandile dludlu 5 years ago
I wonder if the so called "1st world" countries know that here in the 3rd world, we drive both and are required to pass your driving test using a stick shift
#48
Especially Clever
Vikram Bedi 5 years ago
If everyone starts using the toilet marked “ me” then “ everyone else “ would be left clean...
#49
Facebook Comeback
Helen Haley 5 years ago
The waiter is providing a valuable service with very little likelihood of customer death.
#50
Quite Funny To Be Honest
#51
Rip To This Antivaxxer
#52
That's A No Brainer
#53
Forgot To Add That As A Poll Option
#54
Tomi, Absolutely Destroyed.
#55
Bryan Is Probably Still A Virgin To This Day
#56
Have Fun With Your New Profession.
#57
Yeah, Who Cares About White Supremacy, Amirite?
#58
Come On Judge
#59
Honestly Wish I Had This Comeback With Half The Idiots Ive Been With.
Pamela24 5 years ago
If he's not willing to have a condom on, he's not worth to have sex with. Simple as that. It means he values your health way less than his potential pleasure. In a committed relationship where you agree on a different contraceptive (if you don't wish to get pregnant) and get tested for STIs beforehand, sure. But never with a casual sex partner.
#60
Task Failed Successfully
#64
Should Have Seen That Coming Eleanor
Martha Meyer 5 years ago
The "Ok, boomer" thing just needs to die. When will people see that this generational war is serving no one?
#65
Profit Before Health?
Truth Monster 5 years ago
No Expense was Spared on Covid supplies. We might, however, have not paid the programmer...
#66
James Ain’t Holding None Back
Lauren Caswell 5 years ago
I love these guys and their inability to notice, in their search for rare Pokemon to steal, they that have a friggin talking Pokemon that can translate to English. Like the only one I'm aware of. Ah well, still loved that show when it came out
#67
Best Way To Respond To A Hater
#68
That's Not How It Works Karen
cybermerlin2000 5 years ago
Well... There's the Rotavirus vaccine, taken orally. Just like the polio one.
#69
Can Somebody Cashapp Me A Dang Pizza?
#70
Right Back In His Face
Hugh Cookson 5 years ago
The sooner you Americans wake up to the fact that you have and are still being fleeced / robbed by the very system that is supposed to help you when you and your families are in need of healthcare through no fault of your own, the better. There is no other country in the World - mostly - that would stand idly by and let some of it's most vulnerable and sickest citizens suffer and die because they don't have the correct 'insurance'. Not only is it cruel but also uncaring and downright sadistic...... Glad I live in a half way decent country ....
#71
Stupid Millennials
WilvanderHeijden 5 years ago
But the old guy is right. There are totally superfluous warnings on anything you buy these day. Can of paint: "Not for internal use" Barbeque: "Not for use indoors" Chainsaw:" Keep away from children."
#72
Oof Size Large
#73
Praise Be To Sony
Aaron Dettmer 5 years ago
The word murder also doesn't appear in the Constitution. But it's still not right. Genocide too. Oh, and Holocaust
#74
I See A Sad Pig Too
#75
Greta On Fire
#76
God Damn I Know That Hurt
#77
"Millenials Are Killing The Big House Market"
A.M. Pierre 5 years ago
I'm sorry, but someone whose biggest problem is "Woe is me, I can't sell my mansion" doesn't garner a lot of my sympathy.
#78
Nudes For Dudes
#79
Dread It. Run From It.
Vikram Bedi 5 years ago
Today’s movie villains are concerned about the environment/over population ...Like the James Bond villain trying to secure an underground water reservoir to sell in the future...that’s just sad... trying to show environmentalists have some hidden agenda to take over the world.
#80
I Can’t Remember
#81
Found The Reason Why
Martha Meyer 5 years ago
This was always odd to me when I saw it in films, because people were living in houses. If I tried leave through my bedroom window, I would have fallen to death from my apartment building.
#83
Yeah Let’s Keep Doing That.
#84
Someone Has Been Stealing A Few Eggplants, Huh?
#85
Money Beats Brawn
Capelli rosa e patate 5 years ago
I don’t know who either of them are but that made me giggle something awful. 😂
#86
Y = Mx + B For ?
Marcellus the Third 5 years ago
No, it says how many friends you can take and give a round. The rest you leech off them. See, math is useless, mooching is the way.
#87
C- C- Cons- Consent?
Foxxy (The Original) 5 years ago
Don’t come to Aus then, the C word is used countless times in a sentence.
#88
Simply Ranting A Nation Because You Have A Typical Stock Image Of It In Your Head
Ruth Mayfly 5 years ago
I feel this is inaccurate. Identifying an outbreak of a known virus is different from identifying a new virus which can't be tested for. China certainly doesn't deserve any praise for silencing the first worried doctors, it does for the fast shutdown and for sharing information on the virus. But in the end I don't think this could have been contained by any country, there were far too many people without symptoms. Even with warning and tests available most countries failed to contain it.
#89
Gotta Get Home
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What do you think ?
Ray Martin 5 years ago
These are all excellent, but the Roomba one made me nearly spit coffee.
Panda Mona 5 years ago
Yes, great burns! But I had to google "Roomba" because I thought this was one of the 50% of wild species I just do not know by name :-)
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Vicky Zar 4 years ago
I‘ve got a comeback story, but I am not sure if you can call it good. Could some jewish persons please tell me if it is insulting or something? Or maybe you even like it? God, I really don‘t know if I should post it, but I am curious about your reactions. I‘ve heared it only second hand. You have to know beforehand, that Germany has many imigrants. Especially from Turkey. And some of them do not really integrate in our society. If I remember correctly the president of Turkey even demanded that Germany should build Schools for the Turkish living here.... but I might have misunderstood that. Nevertheless, some Germans are a bit ... miffed about the Turkish here. Anyway, here is the story: In an underground train in Germany some Turkish teens come in and make a ruckus. An old german Lady asks them to be quiet or mind their manners or something. But they don‘t listen. Insted they tell her that the Turkish will take over Germany anyway. //part 1
Vicky Zar 4 years ago
//part 3: obviously this is not funny in regard of the jews part, but it is a „good“ comeback in that situation.... or isn‘t it? Please tell me what you think! I don‘t even know if this story is true or an urban legend.
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Catherine Spencer-Mills 4 years ago
"Coronavirus is a fraud! It's just the flu!" According to the CDC, last year there were less than 34,000 deaths from influenza. This year we are over 300,000 deaths. No matter what you call it, it isn't good.
Aliquid A 4 years ago
if 90% of the people reading BP either find this funny, or just roll their eyes and move on... it isn't polarizing... upsetting *you* isn't the definition of polarizing, when you clearly represent a fringe group.
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Ray Martin 5 years ago
These are all excellent, but the Roomba one made me nearly spit coffee.
Panda Mona 5 years ago
Yes, great burns! But I had to google "Roomba" because I thought this was one of the 50% of wild species I just do not know by name :-)
Load More Replies... Vicky Zar 4 years ago
I‘ve got a comeback story, but I am not sure if you can call it good. Could some jewish persons please tell me if it is insulting or something? Or maybe you even like it? God, I really don‘t know if I should post it, but I am curious about your reactions. I‘ve heared it only second hand. You have to know beforehand, that Germany has many imigrants. Especially from Turkey. And some of them do not really integrate in our society. If I remember correctly the president of Turkey even demanded that Germany should build Schools for the Turkish living here.... but I might have misunderstood that. Nevertheless, some Germans are a bit ... miffed about the Turkish here. Anyway, here is the story: In an underground train in Germany some Turkish teens come in and make a ruckus. An old german Lady asks them to be quiet or mind their manners or something. But they don‘t listen. Insted they tell her that the Turkish will take over Germany anyway. //part 1
Vicky Zar 4 years ago
//part 3: obviously this is not funny in regard of the jews part, but it is a „good“ comeback in that situation.... or isn‘t it? Please tell me what you think! I don‘t even know if this story is true or an urban legend.
Load More Replies... Catherine Spencer-Mills 4 years ago
"Coronavirus is a fraud! It's just the flu!" According to the CDC, last year there were less than 34,000 deaths from influenza. This year we are over 300,000 deaths. No matter what you call it, it isn't good.
Aliquid A 4 years ago
if 90% of the people reading BP either find this funny, or just roll their eyes and move on... it isn't polarizing... upsetting *you* isn't the definition of polarizing, when you clearly represent a fringe group.
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