“This Has Caused Drama I Was Not Expecting”: Mom Misses Daughter’s School Performance Because Of Baby, Doesn’t Get Why She’s A Jerk
“The theater loves silence.” In the Age of Enlightenment, when the theater was almost the main entertainment for many people, there were even special gestures familiar to all theater-goers, to whom an experienced actor, without interrupting the monologue, could demand silence from the noisy hall.
However, today these gestures are forgotten, the theater has firmly given way to other entertainment, and the audience often allows themselves to confuse the theater with the stadium, forgetting that the theater loves silence. Once the user u/Thick-Studio-4277 forgot this herself, almost derailing the performance of her own daughter… However, let’s talk about everything in order.
The author of the post has 2 kids from her first marriage and she recently delivered a baby with her new husband
Image credits: Fabrice Florin (not the actual photo)
The woman’s elder daughter is involved in theater at school but the author had to miss several shows due to her pregnancy
Image credits: Thick-Studio-4277
Image credits: AdmissionsQuest (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Thick-Studio-4277
The woman brought her baby to her daughter’s new show, despite relatives literally begging her not to do this
Image credits: Phil Nguyen (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Thick-Studio-4277
It all ended with the show almost being disrupted by the baby’s screams and the offended daughter even gave mom the silent treatment
So, the Original Poster (OP) has two children, a 12 Y.O. girl, “Penelope”, and a 10 Y.O. boy, “Jonny”, with her first husband “Will”. A few years ago, the woman remarried, and recently gave birth to a daughter, “Lyla”. In the author’s own words, her kids from her first marriage mostly live with their dad, because his house is closer to their school, and they come to their mom’s place for the weekend.
The OP’s eldest daughter is involved in her school’s theater program, and for almost the entire period of pregnancy, the woman was upset that she could not attend her daughter’s shows. And so, when little Lyla was already a few months old, another performance was announced – and of course, the OP was looking forward to seeing her daughter on the stage.
And here the woman made the main mistake – she took the baby with her. She, of course, could leave her little daughter with her spouse “Chris”, but according to him, he also wanted to watch the show. When the OP and her family arrived at the theater, she already suspected something was wrong when she saw the way her ex looked at her. But the show began, and after some time Lyla woke up…
The parents of the other kids incinerated the OP with their eyes, and she began desperately to lull the baby – and, fortunately, she succeeded. However, during the intermission, Will tried to suggest that Chris take the baby and take her home, but the spouses were adamant. It all ended with the fact that in the second act, Lyla woke up again and nearly ruined the show with her screams. In the end, on the stage were not professional actors who could hardly be embarrassed, but teenagers…
As a result, the OP had to go out to the lobby, she missed Penelope’s solo, and then, when Lyla fell asleep again, the usher wouldn’t let them back into the hall. And the eldest daughter took offence at her mom for ruining the show, not wanting to talk to her at all. In a conversation with her ex, the author tried to justify herself by saying something like “this is just a middle school play, and life does not end there,” but thereby only ruined everything even more. In general, the only one in this situation who sided with the OP was Chris. And also, probably, little Lyla, but since she can’t speak yet, we’re not sure about that…
Image credits: Ruca Souza (not the actual photo)
“I can tell right away that the mother made two big mistakes here at once, and I don’t even know which one is more critical,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, whom Bored Panda asked to comment on this situation. “Firstly, in her desire to see her eldest daughter perform, she only made it worse by taking the baby with her and not listening to the advice of relatives. Secondly, she actually devalued the importance of this performance for her own child.”
“Yes, it would be better to either leave the baby with the father or a sitter. If for some reason this did not work out, it would be better to skip this performance and come to support the daughter later. Here the woman showed that the very fact of support for her is almost more important than her daughter’s performance. As the great theater director Stanislavsky once said, ‘Love art in yourself, not yourself in art!’ The mom in this case did exactly the opposite…”
“As for the second mistake, yes, for an adult, a performance in middle school may not seem like such a big event, but for a 12-year-old girl, I think it was incredibly important. The only thing that pleases me here is that these words were not said to the girl herself, but to her father. But in any case, what happened should be a serious lesson for the author of the post for the future,” Irina believes.
The vast majority of people in the comments also heavily criticized the original poster’s behavior, claiming that both she and her husband were extremely selfish. In the end, according to the commenters, if the most important thing was to support Penelope, then it was her mother who was the only person who really matters. And, of course, folks in the comments were outraged by the OP’s phrase about the “unimportance” of the show. “At 12, a solo performance is likely one of the biggest moments of her life so far, and you ruined it,” one of the commenters wrote. And what would you, dear readers, have done if you were the original poster?
People in the comments also slammed the woman for being selfish and devaluing the importance of this show for her kid
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Did you take a baby out in public to a place that is supposed to be quiet? Automatic àsshole.
I am pretty sure not even the baby itself is comfortable at a place like that
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I am so glad people are not letting her get off the hook. Too many times parents use their children as shields/excuses to do whatever they want and expect "the village" to understand. Well, we do understand. We understand that YTA.
I am now a professional actor and vocalist and I started off doing shows just like this. My dad and stepmom had my little brother when I was 12. You know what they did? GOT A SITTER! They knew how important this was to me even if it was a silly middle school show but they knew that shows like this were a dime a dozen. Also, my little brother could not support me because he had zero clue what was happening because he was a freaking BABY! OP royally angered me and my heart is breaking for her daughter.
Yes @MsLou! This, so much this! It sounds very much like you felt loved and supported <3 The fact that It's "just a middle school performance" is *precisely* why it's such a big deal. Such awkward years when kids especially need to know their parents/caregivers are there for them! We just went to my tween's middle school talent show because it was important to him that we be present. I hope even if he doesn't remember that particular show or doesn't pursue his talent that he has an enduring sense of being loved and supported in whatever he chooses to do. That's my long way of saying, my heart also breaks for this child. :(
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YTA. Don't bring babies to movies, concerts, plays, churches, etc. There's literally no reason for them to be there, as they can't possibly enjoy or understand the event. All they can do is either sleep or ruin the event for everyone else. Your comment dismissing your daughter's solo as "just" a middle school play is horrifying. You're making excuses because you know you fücked up. Worse, there's no way you can make up for what you did. Based on your actions and statements, your daughter feels she's no longer important now that you have a brand new baby.
My parents went to almost every single football game when my sister and I were in high school. Not because they had a son playing football, but because they had daughters that were part of the dance team. They went to every game for something that took at the most five minutes. My mother drove through a thunderstorm to come watch us one time. Parents show up for their kids no matter how small the part is.
Absolutely YTA. If you were my mother, I wouldn't speak to you either! And your attitude about it being just a middle school show? WTF? You f***ed up, big time. I'm glad she has her dad and stepmom.
Op: "After missing the fall show, I wanted to be there for my daughter". Also Op: "It is just a middle school show. It's not the end of the world" Why don't you decide which mom you want to be first then let your daughter know if she's going to be a priority or an afterthought? It'll be easier for her to decide what kind of relationship she wants with you.
She says "I thought it would good for us all to support her"... what newborn has the consciousness to support anyone? And aside from the very good comments made here, why is the older daughter managing her parent's relationship? She twice mentions Ariana having the tell her Father to "let it go" which implies to me that she's aware that if her Father stands up for his beliefs her Mother will make a scene or something. Her daughter should not have to be doing that. Getting vibes that this woman is pretty high maintenance.
Also feel bad for anyone around that baby when it filled its diaper!
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It's easy to see why he's her ex. I'd have gotten rid of her too.
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When you choose to not get a sitter for a baby then there are sacrifices involved. In this case the sacrifice should have been the father of the baby take the baby outside to theater at the moment the baby got a tiny bit fussy so mom would see her daughter's performance. It is just a middle school performance so step dad did not need to be there. Mom absolutely needed to be there.
Of course her new husband doesn't think they didn't do anything wrong. You just showed him that you prioritize your new family with him and the baby over your daughter. Also why did he have to be there instead of staying at home with his child
Exactly. Even if he gets on with his stepdaughter, staying home with the baby so mum could concentrate on her first daughter would be perfectly reasonable.
Load More Replies... RP is delusional. A baby doesn't belong in a theater, period. And mama had no excuse because it wasn't as if she couldn't afford a babysitter. Kind of reminds of the time I saw a Steven King movie and some nitwit decided to bring her toddler. In the movie a guy got decapitated and the toddler starts screaming. Nitwit mother scolds the child, "I told you not to look!" Um, lady, what do you expect a bored toddler to do in a dark theater for 2 fricking hours? Of course the kid is going to look!
I have a baby and another one on the way. I would not bring either baby to my son’s performance. Babysitters are wonderful people. It always pays to have a babysitter and a few backup sitters for these occasions.
I have mixed feelings here. I have a newborn and he goes everywhere with me right now as I am on maternity leave and he is exclusively breastfed. However, I took him to my student's 8th grade graduation, and I nursed him through it and he was totally quiet. I do not take him places that are not child appropriate. I understand wanting to see your daughter, but you have to have multiple tactics to keep a baby quiet. Also, WTF was your husband? He could have held her out in the lobby. I feel like you just wanted to show off this baby.
As a sports and theater kid whose mom missed EVERY match or performance, go to your kids events please, encourage them, nurture that skill, help them achieve their dreams
Unless you’re going to attend in a way which mars the entire event for your child, their friends, and all their friends’ parents. If that’s the plan, maybe stay home and learn how to be Not A Terrible Parent.
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Yeah support your daughter. Get a sitter. Enjoy her moment. Fussy baby. Oh baby is never fussy. Baby will be fussy. Smells and atmosphere will set a baby off it's normal tendencies. Yes you don't go back in at second half because u can distrupt the event. You should have gotten a sitter an just been there for your child. If not then stayed home. Simple. Yep ah.
"It was just a middle school performance..." I started music in the 5th grade through 12th grade. I was first chair of my section every year except my freshman year, when it went to the senior. I was also first chair for the all county honor band. I was good. I received accolades and awards and whatnot. I only make those points to say that even with all of those positive experiences the only thing that sticks with me to this day is that my parents never went to any of my performances. These things matters, though maybe not to every kid. But it did to me and clearly to the daughter in that story.
Yes, YTA, big time. That middle school performance might not have been a big deal to you, but to that 12-year-old, it definitely was.
See. I’m conflicted here. I do think OP is an AH. But at least she showed. My mum never bothered. She stayed home with the new baby. And her new husband.
“The mother who served me a plate of sh*t is better than the mother who served nothing at all,” isn’t much of a flex.
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Pandas about them having children: Its hard being a parent, you assume all this responsibility and sometimes you make mistakes, I wish the world would be more compassionate to me. Pandas about other parents: f**k em defs the a*****e no empathy for mistakes, should have done better. What's empthaising with another parents mistakes and gently outlining they can do better.
A mistake is easily corrected by a change of behavior. OP is doubling down on making her daughter feel awful, and that’s intentional cruelty that permanently imprints on the kid’s self-esteem.
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I'm a bit contra on this one. I think it was fine bringing the bub. What wasn't fine was remaining once it got fussy. If it'd stayed quiet the whole time she'd have supported *all* her kids. More importantly she doesn't appear to have any sense of shame over causing the disruption, and no intent to apologise (at least not sincerely). That said, I think the best solution would have been for her partner to stay home and look after the baby. No need for a sitter, and she could have seen her daughters performance without any chance of being disruptive.
You don't even have to go too far in the story to see how wrong and dismissing she is, as a person. "I missed the first performance because I was in labor. Penelope understood as best as a preteen girl can.". I'm pretty sure she understood totally, 12 y/o are not that stupid. I'm sure she accepted that you can't do much when you're in labor. It just shows she's the type of mother who thinks her kids don't understand things and she's always right.
Many, many years ago, I accompanied my student to an English speech contest. During their speech, a baby started crying really loudly. They were able to finish their speech, and during the break before the next speaker, I saw the mother leave the room with the baby. During the intermission, I spoke to the student, saying how sorry I was about a baby crying during their speech, and how well they remembered their lines. I remember saying "I don't know what kind of person brings a baby to a speech contest ..." and she said brightly "OH! That was my baby sister." Lol.
I don't think she's YTA: I think she made some poor choices, but mum-hormones are designed to not let you leave the baby and people find they act differently with a tiny baby, and not always in other people's best interest. I get the kid is hurt, but not even hearing an apology, and being egged on, it appears, by dad isn't helping anyone. People are messy, emotional beings. There isn't a yes you suck, no you are perfect line in real life.
She could have let her new husband look after their baby for the very short amount of time involved. We have the ability to ignore our hormones and desires, no matter how hard, and do what is best for our other children. We're not slaves to our instincts, we can put them aside. She won't accept what is staring her blatantly in the face - everyone's reaction makes it clear - she's made the wrong choice.
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yea... but people are their to see their kids perform, not listen to your screaming one ruin the show. If your baby starts screaming, GTFO and let everyone else watch the show in peace, middle school show or not.
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Did you take a baby out in public to a place that is supposed to be quiet? Automatic àsshole.
I am pretty sure not even the baby itself is comfortable at a place like that
Load More Replies... I am so glad people are not letting her get off the hook. Too many times parents use their children as shields/excuses to do whatever they want and expect "the village" to understand. Well, we do understand. We understand that YTA.
I am now a professional actor and vocalist and I started off doing shows just like this. My dad and stepmom had my little brother when I was 12. You know what they did? GOT A SITTER! They knew how important this was to me even if it was a silly middle school show but they knew that shows like this were a dime a dozen. Also, my little brother could not support me because he had zero clue what was happening because he was a freaking BABY! OP royally angered me and my heart is breaking for her daughter.
Yes @MsLou! This, so much this! It sounds very much like you felt loved and supported <3 The fact that It's "just a middle school performance" is *precisely* why it's such a big deal. Such awkward years when kids especially need to know their parents/caregivers are there for them! We just went to my tween's middle school talent show because it was important to him that we be present. I hope even if he doesn't remember that particular show or doesn't pursue his talent that he has an enduring sense of being loved and supported in whatever he chooses to do. That's my long way of saying, my heart also breaks for this child. :(
Load More Replies... YTA. Don't bring babies to movies, concerts, plays, churches, etc. There's literally no reason for them to be there, as they can't possibly enjoy or understand the event. All they can do is either sleep or ruin the event for everyone else. Your comment dismissing your daughter's solo as "just" a middle school play is horrifying. You're making excuses because you know you fücked up. Worse, there's no way you can make up for what you did. Based on your actions and statements, your daughter feels she's no longer important now that you have a brand new baby.
My parents went to almost every single football game when my sister and I were in high school. Not because they had a son playing football, but because they had daughters that were part of the dance team. They went to every game for something that took at the most five minutes. My mother drove through a thunderstorm to come watch us one time. Parents show up for their kids no matter how small the part is.
Absolutely YTA. If you were my mother, I wouldn't speak to you either! And your attitude about it being just a middle school show? WTF? You f***ed up, big time. I'm glad she has her dad and stepmom.
Op: "After missing the fall show, I wanted to be there for my daughter". Also Op: "It is just a middle school show. It's not the end of the world" Why don't you decide which mom you want to be first then let your daughter know if she's going to be a priority or an afterthought? It'll be easier for her to decide what kind of relationship she wants with you.
She says "I thought it would good for us all to support her"... what newborn has the consciousness to support anyone? And aside from the very good comments made here, why is the older daughter managing her parent's relationship? She twice mentions Ariana having the tell her Father to "let it go" which implies to me that she's aware that if her Father stands up for his beliefs her Mother will make a scene or something. Her daughter should not have to be doing that. Getting vibes that this woman is pretty high maintenance.
Also feel bad for anyone around that baby when it filled its diaper!
Load More Replies... It's easy to see why he's her ex. I'd have gotten rid of her too.
Load More Replies... When you choose to not get a sitter for a baby then there are sacrifices involved. In this case the sacrifice should have been the father of the baby take the baby outside to theater at the moment the baby got a tiny bit fussy so mom would see her daughter's performance. It is just a middle school performance so step dad did not need to be there. Mom absolutely needed to be there.
Of course her new husband doesn't think they didn't do anything wrong. You just showed him that you prioritize your new family with him and the baby over your daughter. Also why did he have to be there instead of staying at home with his child
Exactly. Even if he gets on with his stepdaughter, staying home with the baby so mum could concentrate on her first daughter would be perfectly reasonable.
Load More Replies... RP is delusional. A baby doesn't belong in a theater, period. And mama had no excuse because it wasn't as if she couldn't afford a babysitter. Kind of reminds of the time I saw a Steven King movie and some nitwit decided to bring her toddler. In the movie a guy got decapitated and the toddler starts screaming. Nitwit mother scolds the child, "I told you not to look!" Um, lady, what do you expect a bored toddler to do in a dark theater for 2 fricking hours? Of course the kid is going to look!
I have a baby and another one on the way. I would not bring either baby to my son’s performance. Babysitters are wonderful people. It always pays to have a babysitter and a few backup sitters for these occasions.
I have mixed feelings here. I have a newborn and he goes everywhere with me right now as I am on maternity leave and he is exclusively breastfed. However, I took him to my student's 8th grade graduation, and I nursed him through it and he was totally quiet. I do not take him places that are not child appropriate. I understand wanting to see your daughter, but you have to have multiple tactics to keep a baby quiet. Also, WTF was your husband? He could have held her out in the lobby. I feel like you just wanted to show off this baby.
As a sports and theater kid whose mom missed EVERY match or performance, go to your kids events please, encourage them, nurture that skill, help them achieve their dreams
Unless you’re going to attend in a way which mars the entire event for your child, their friends, and all their friends’ parents. If that’s the plan, maybe stay home and learn how to be Not A Terrible Parent.
Load More Replies... Yeah support your daughter. Get a sitter. Enjoy her moment. Fussy baby. Oh baby is never fussy. Baby will be fussy. Smells and atmosphere will set a baby off it's normal tendencies. Yes you don't go back in at second half because u can distrupt the event. You should have gotten a sitter an just been there for your child. If not then stayed home. Simple. Yep ah.
"It was just a middle school performance..." I started music in the 5th grade through 12th grade. I was first chair of my section every year except my freshman year, when it went to the senior. I was also first chair for the all county honor band. I was good. I received accolades and awards and whatnot. I only make those points to say that even with all of those positive experiences the only thing that sticks with me to this day is that my parents never went to any of my performances. These things matters, though maybe not to every kid. But it did to me and clearly to the daughter in that story.
Yes, YTA, big time. That middle school performance might not have been a big deal to you, but to that 12-year-old, it definitely was.
See. I’m conflicted here. I do think OP is an AH. But at least she showed. My mum never bothered. She stayed home with the new baby. And her new husband.
“The mother who served me a plate of sh*t is better than the mother who served nothing at all,” isn’t much of a flex.
Load More Replies... Pandas about them having children: Its hard being a parent, you assume all this responsibility and sometimes you make mistakes, I wish the world would be more compassionate to me. Pandas about other parents: f**k em defs the a*****e no empathy for mistakes, should have done better. What's empthaising with another parents mistakes and gently outlining they can do better.
A mistake is easily corrected by a change of behavior. OP is doubling down on making her daughter feel awful, and that’s intentional cruelty that permanently imprints on the kid’s self-esteem.
Load More Replies... I'm a bit contra on this one. I think it was fine bringing the bub. What wasn't fine was remaining once it got fussy. If it'd stayed quiet the whole time she'd have supported *all* her kids. More importantly she doesn't appear to have any sense of shame over causing the disruption, and no intent to apologise (at least not sincerely). That said, I think the best solution would have been for her partner to stay home and look after the baby. No need for a sitter, and she could have seen her daughters performance without any chance of being disruptive.
You don't even have to go too far in the story to see how wrong and dismissing she is, as a person. "I missed the first performance because I was in labor. Penelope understood as best as a preteen girl can.". I'm pretty sure she understood totally, 12 y/o are not that stupid. I'm sure she accepted that you can't do much when you're in labor. It just shows she's the type of mother who thinks her kids don't understand things and she's always right.
Many, many years ago, I accompanied my student to an English speech contest. During their speech, a baby started crying really loudly. They were able to finish their speech, and during the break before the next speaker, I saw the mother leave the room with the baby. During the intermission, I spoke to the student, saying how sorry I was about a baby crying during their speech, and how well they remembered their lines. I remember saying "I don't know what kind of person brings a baby to a speech contest ..." and she said brightly "OH! That was my baby sister." Lol.
I don't think she's YTA: I think she made some poor choices, but mum-hormones are designed to not let you leave the baby and people find they act differently with a tiny baby, and not always in other people's best interest. I get the kid is hurt, but not even hearing an apology, and being egged on, it appears, by dad isn't helping anyone. People are messy, emotional beings. There isn't a yes you suck, no you are perfect line in real life.
She could have let her new husband look after their baby for the very short amount of time involved. We have the ability to ignore our hormones and desires, no matter how hard, and do what is best for our other children. We're not slaves to our instincts, we can put them aside. She won't accept what is staring her blatantly in the face - everyone's reaction makes it clear - she's made the wrong choice.
Load More Replies... yea... but people are their to see their kids perform, not listen to your screaming one ruin the show. If your baby starts screaming, GTFO and let everyone else watch the show in peace, middle school show or not.
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