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Woman Shares The “Ball In The Box” Analogy Her Doctor Taught Her To Help Deal With Grief
Grief sucks. Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences you’ll have to endure in your life, there is simply no avoiding the heartache and intense feelings of emptiness. However, by learning to understand the stages of grief, you can eventually help yourself come to terms with it and allow your life to move on. To help people make a little sense of their feelings during this troubling time, Twitter user Lauren Herschel shared an analogy she learned from her psychiatrist.
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Image credits: LaurenHerschel
Image credits: LaurenHerschel
Lauren found the analogy, told to her by her doctor to help dealing with grief after the loss of her mother, very helpful in understanding why grief never truly goes away. Because there can be various triggers, like a favorite old song or a certain smell or taste, that can bring memories flooding back as the ball strikes that button once again.
Image credits: LaurenHerschel
“I think we absolutely need to talk about grief and death more,” Lauren told Bored Panda. “It is normal, yet so many people feel like they can’t talk about it, or can only talk about it for a short prescribed period right after someone passes. But grief is a longer journey than that.”
Image credits: LaurenHerschel
“I do believe that it’s good to feel grief even years later. It does help you remember happy times and process how the loss of a family member or a loved one has affected your life. I don’t think it’s something you can wish away at any point.”
Image credits: LaurenHerschel
“I still refer to this analogy example. The 23rd anniversary of my dad passing was Valentine’s Day – old feelings of grief do pop up for sure but now I have a way of making more sense of them, and I also know it’s more normal than I previously thought years ago.”
Image credits: LaurenHerschel
Image credits: LaurenHerschel
Image credits: LaurenHerschel
Image credits: LaurenHerschel
Image credits: LaurenHerschel
Lauren’s thread was shared almost 5000 times as people related to the simple and effective metaphor. As a society, we still have a great deal of difficulty talking about death and grief, they provoke feelings that are not easy to articulate. The conversation that Lauren has started may go some way toward helping people to open up about their feelings, to become more comfortable with the burden of their grief and feel no pressure to “get over it,” as some people might thoughtlessly suggest. “The reaction to the tweets has been surprising,” she told us. “It kind of comes and goes in waves of people seeing it – which is great. I think it’s one of those things we find when we really need it.”
Image credits: LaurenHerschel
People thanked her for sharing this analogy:
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What do you think ?
Val 6 years ago
My mom died 22 years ago and there's no day I don't think of her. The ball is still there, and it has grown again, but the difference is that the pain button has become tiny and a big love button has appeared.
Cassie 6 years ago
This is way more accurate than "time heals all wounds" because it really doesn't.
Ola Polowczyk 6 years ago
Time doesn't heal wounds. We just learn to deal with the wounds (or scars, as I like to call them) over time.
Load More Replies...
Erin Sheppard 6 years ago
I agree, we do not only grieve in death, but in divorce, custody, break-ups, loss of employment, simple depression can be part of the reason for the size of the ball. My question is this. Do I have more than one ball, or does the button get pushed more and more often because the ball gets smaller, then larger again. If the latter, how can I shrink the ball?!?
Load More Replies...
Crochet lady 6 years ago
I was in the grocery store about 6 weeks after my mom died. Had a cart full of food and look up to see a bottle of seasoning she always used, I never used it. As soon as I saw that bottle it was like everything welled up in me. Every meal we had involved that seasoning and of course meals tie so many family events together. I saw that bottle and felt like I was punched in the stomach, all the air was gone. I started crying and pushing my cart down the aisle trying to get distance. Trying not to think about the bottle. Next thing I know I am doubled over and sobbing...I couldn't breathe, couldn't stop crying, couldn't do anything but leave that cart and run out to my car. I made it home, ran into my living room and grabbed a pillow and pushed my face into and let out a primal scream and felt that moment was a huge turning point. I had been acting like everything was normal and it wasn't. I hadn't dealt with my grief until that day.
Beth Simonsen 6 years ago
I get it. After my husband died this summer, I used to ‘pet’ the foods in the store that I used to buy for him and cry.
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Lisa Casserly 6 years ago
For me, the ball is still very large in the box. Out of the blue, on 22 August 2018, my oldest daughter was killed in a car accident. The grief is unimaginable. I thought it was unbearable when she moved away and then was always so busy with her life that she wouldn't call, or answer texts, cards, letters, phone calls or e-mails. But now, she has passed away, and its just so much worse. I'm hoping the ball shrinks soon.
Linouchka 99 6 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss ! Your pain being so hard is perfectly normal and understandable for it has been such a short time since you lost her. The ball will shrink, but as Martha said, it will take time, and you are allowed to grieve for as long as you need to. No pressure. Your pain is as big as your love.
Load More Replies... Crochet lady 6 years ago
My therapist suggested I write a letter to my mother a few months after she died. She said you don't need to keep it, burn it or throw it away but write down everything you'd like to say to her. I did and I found that hugely cathartic.
Jen 6 years ago
I've lost many loved ones over the years, and I try to talk to them most nights. Right before bed when the world is dark and quiet, I stand outside and look up to the stars and just talk to them -- tell them about my day, what stressed me, what reminded me of them, how much I still love and miss them, ask for help on behalf of someone who's struggling, or apologize for my shortcomings. It helps me keep them close and is very healing.
Load More Replies...
Joanne Hintze 6 years ago
I love this! I lost my mother at 10 my father at 13, a son who only lived for 3 days, 6 years ago my husband and in November my sister who was also like a mother, she raised me. This analogy is so spot on. I’m just having such a hard time getting over the death of my sister, getting over is not the right phrase because you never get over a loss it just gets easier. So I thank you for the analogy I plan on sharing it with anyone who is having a tough time of it.
Tamerah Long 6 years ago
I'm extremely grateful for this analogy. Over the last 2 years I've lost both brothers, my father and my maternal grandmother. My mum is incredibly stoic but I can't even imagine what these losses are doing to her underneath it all. I'll be sharing this in the hope that it'll bring some kind of understanding to everyone in my family suffering with a ball that doesn't have time to get any smaller. Thanks for sharing.
Iveta Toderová 6 years ago
My mom passed away 27 years ago but the ball is still there, not that big after all that time, but it never really goes away. I was 14 when she died.
Val 6 years ago
My mom died 22 years ago and there's no day I don't think of her. The ball is still there, and it has grown again, but the difference is that the pain button has become tiny and a big love button has appeared.
Cassie 6 years ago
This is way more accurate than "time heals all wounds" because it really doesn't.
Ola Polowczyk 6 years ago
Time doesn't heal wounds. We just learn to deal with the wounds (or scars, as I like to call them) over time.
Load More Replies... Erin Sheppard 6 years ago
I agree, we do not only grieve in death, but in divorce, custody, break-ups, loss of employment, simple depression can be part of the reason for the size of the ball. My question is this. Do I have more than one ball, or does the button get pushed more and more often because the ball gets smaller, then larger again. If the latter, how can I shrink the ball?!?
Load More Replies... Crochet lady 6 years ago
I was in the grocery store about 6 weeks after my mom died. Had a cart full of food and look up to see a bottle of seasoning she always used, I never used it. As soon as I saw that bottle it was like everything welled up in me. Every meal we had involved that seasoning and of course meals tie so many family events together. I saw that bottle and felt like I was punched in the stomach, all the air was gone. I started crying and pushing my cart down the aisle trying to get distance. Trying not to think about the bottle. Next thing I know I am doubled over and sobbing...I couldn't breathe, couldn't stop crying, couldn't do anything but leave that cart and run out to my car. I made it home, ran into my living room and grabbed a pillow and pushed my face into and let out a primal scream and felt that moment was a huge turning point. I had been acting like everything was normal and it wasn't. I hadn't dealt with my grief until that day.
Beth Simonsen 6 years ago
I get it. After my husband died this summer, I used to ‘pet’ the foods in the store that I used to buy for him and cry.
Load More Replies... Lisa Casserly 6 years ago
For me, the ball is still very large in the box. Out of the blue, on 22 August 2018, my oldest daughter was killed in a car accident. The grief is unimaginable. I thought it was unbearable when she moved away and then was always so busy with her life that she wouldn't call, or answer texts, cards, letters, phone calls or e-mails. But now, she has passed away, and its just so much worse. I'm hoping the ball shrinks soon.
Linouchka 99 6 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss ! Your pain being so hard is perfectly normal and understandable for it has been such a short time since you lost her. The ball will shrink, but as Martha said, it will take time, and you are allowed to grieve for as long as you need to. No pressure. Your pain is as big as your love.
Load More Replies... Crochet lady 6 years ago
My therapist suggested I write a letter to my mother a few months after she died. She said you don't need to keep it, burn it or throw it away but write down everything you'd like to say to her. I did and I found that hugely cathartic.
Jen 6 years ago
I've lost many loved ones over the years, and I try to talk to them most nights. Right before bed when the world is dark and quiet, I stand outside and look up to the stars and just talk to them -- tell them about my day, what stressed me, what reminded me of them, how much I still love and miss them, ask for help on behalf of someone who's struggling, or apologize for my shortcomings. It helps me keep them close and is very healing.
Load More Replies... Joanne Hintze 6 years ago
I love this! I lost my mother at 10 my father at 13, a son who only lived for 3 days, 6 years ago my husband and in November my sister who was also like a mother, she raised me. This analogy is so spot on. I’m just having such a hard time getting over the death of my sister, getting over is not the right phrase because you never get over a loss it just gets easier. So I thank you for the analogy I plan on sharing it with anyone who is having a tough time of it.
Tamerah Long 6 years ago
I'm extremely grateful for this analogy. Over the last 2 years I've lost both brothers, my father and my maternal grandmother. My mum is incredibly stoic but I can't even imagine what these losses are doing to her underneath it all. I'll be sharing this in the hope that it'll bring some kind of understanding to everyone in my family suffering with a ball that doesn't have time to get any smaller. Thanks for sharing.
Iveta Toderová 6 years ago
My mom passed away 27 years ago but the ball is still there, not that big after all that time, but it never really goes away. I was 14 when she died.
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