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32 Real-Life Stories About Arranged Marriages That Show It’s Not Always What You Expect
These days, most of us picture marriage as something that starts with a big romantic proposal and an emotional yes. So it might surprise you to learn that, according to one estimate, over half of all marriages worldwide are actually arranged. In countries like India, that number jumps to more than 90%.
When one Redditor asked people in arranged marriages what life with their spouse is really like, plenty had something to say. Some opened up about difficult relationships, while others said they were genuinely happy with how things turned out. Scroll down to read their stories and share your thoughts in the comments.
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#1
Throwaway for obvious reasons
I am a girl living in a western county and this is how my arranged marriage went. After i had finished school my parents approached me and asked if I was ready to marry, I disagreed and so they left it (I was 18 - almost 19)
When I was 21 I was approached by my parents again asking me if I was ready, this time I said yes.
Then slowly people were asking my parents about me etc. -friends of parents and other from our community. My parents were obviously telling me who was asking about me and if i wanted to arrange a meeting with said person, I rejected two without a meeting because from what I heard I wasn't interested the third I said yes to, he and his family came to our house and sat and talked with my family over lunch, I however wasn't in the same room as them as I felt too awkward. After a while I was sat in another room and my mum told me we should talk (me and him) so I agreed obviously I wanted to know more about him. They left us together and we spoke for quite a while, asked loads of questions regarding character and the future ect
After a about a week or so he proposed through family I wasn't sure so I didn't give a reply for about 3 weeks after that and when I did it was a yes
We're engaged for a year and now married. We're like any other couple now we're completely happy with each other. And we're scarily really compatible in the things we both like or don't like and agree or disagree with, as with any relationship we do argue but I can honestly only think of two times we've really actually argued otherwise we mostly have jokey fights. Hope this helps x
(Difference between arranged marriage and forced marriage, in arrange marriages the couple have a choice if you want to reject you can. I'm forced marriages there is no choice you're told to marry that person and so you have to).
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#2
My mother came from rural India, and by the West's standards was fairly poor.
During the 50s, 60s and 70s, Britain was actively transporting people from the Commenwealth to boost Englands economy and revitalise population numbers from the impact of World war 2. After a while Britain reduced immigration numbers, but they didn't account for each immigrant family to be a kind of anchor to bring morefamily members from their birth countries.
Notably in South Asian cultures, parents were eager to send their kids to places like N.America and the UK to give them better life prospects.
At age 17, my mums parents told her, that her brother that already lived in England had found my mum a husband, and preperations started to send her to England the following year.
The Groom, was a well respected business man from a respected family who had a links with our family
However sometime before the wedding, my mum's brother had a huge falling out with the prospective husband. The wedding was called off and my mum never even met this man. And she got to stay with her family for a few more years. This, I'm sure relieved my mum to no end.
Until a few years later, they found my mum a new groom, he came to India. They married, and in the early 80s mum was taken from her family to live with strange new people, in a strange new country without even knowing the language, at just age 20.
I can't even begin to imagine how terrifying that must have been for her.
My father had a less well off family than the first groom, but his father and the rest of his family were extremely respected elders of the community. They came from the Carpenter Caste, and were revered for the way built up their trade and life, in India, Kenya (until the government blamed all Indians for the economy) snd now England.
Except, my dad was a bad person. He was a toxic alcoholic and treated my mum like his personal servant. In my dad's eyes, she was just someone her parents bunged him with to act like his mother. I can go on about horrible he was to my mum, brother and I but I'll leave it or else I'll be here for a while.
In the 80s my mum had a few miscarriages, which I can only assume is from exhaustion, stress and having such a bad life in general. Until she gave birth to me and my brother in the 90s.
My father was completely unloving, cold and distant to us. And was constantly angry, and Im sure since my childhood, he's resented his kids.
My parents have been married now for over thirty years and Im sure they hate each other. They hardly speak, my mum is the sole wage earner, and my dad just stays at home getting drunk complaining how every one in life has trod on him. Doing all this while his wife cooks,cleans and basically keeps him alive.
Arranged marriages can be good, and loads of people in my family and even my generation have had them. The parents basically act as a match maker, and organise dates for their children with desirable matches. But ultimately the choice is up to the kids.
But in some cases, the marriage is forced and you get bad relationships like my parents.
Kate Johnson 3 hours ago
You kind of hope the husband drinks himself to d***h. The sooner the better for the poor wire.
#3
It's terrible. I blame 90 percent of my mental health problems on my parent's never ending bickering. I wish I had parents that loved each other, or at least parents that would consider a divorce an option. Don't let the rest of this subreddit upvoting feel good stories fool you guys. Arranged marriages, especially the asian kind, are terrible most of the time.
#4
Extremely late to the thread but I want to share.
My parents had an arranged marriage, this was the early 80’s.
Both my parents are Indian and we live in the UK. My mother came to the UK at the age of 4, grew up in Yorkshire and moved to London with her family in her early teens. She loved school and had friends but was also caring for her younger sister who was disabled and helping her mum with the caring duties. At the age of 15 my mum was pulled out of school, taught to cook and clean and had 5 pictures of men from India put down in front of her, these 5 suitors were all people her parents knew, her parents knew the mens parents and a couple in there were also her first cousins. She picked a man just by looking at his picture, it was my dad. My mothers mum (my grandmother) told my mum that she needed to get married but couldn’t leave London as she needed to help my grandmother look after her disabled sister. My father had family 100miles away in the UK so my mother should have gone with him to set up home over there where his family were but my dad was more than happy to live with his in laws.
She was engaged at 15 without ever meeting my dad. For the next 5 years she would briefly talk to my dad on the phone for a few minutes but during these short conversations she would be in the room with her family. My mum was 20 when my father came to the UK and they had a lovely wedding but it took them a little while to get to know each other. My father is one of the best men I know, he has done everything he ever could to keep my mother happy, he has never laid a finger on her and it’s my mother with the temper and who wears the trousers in the relationship. My father is a very humble man, he came from nothing and now has more than he ever could imagine and he praises my mum for this constantly.
My mother is not happy though, she always says this is the not the life she would have chosen for herself, she wanted to carry on with her studies and become a nurse. My parents are foster carers and my mother has cared for people her whole life and in a way is my role model because of how much she has done for others, but I rarely see my mum smile, I’m not sure if it’s because of my parents marriage or because my mother was raised in a toxic household and her brothers were able to marry whoever they wanted even though they weren’t Indian or Muslim.
My father still tries his hardest with my mum; he is a very happy man and very funny.
My grandmother now lives with us and she is just poison, I know when she has been talking nonsense all day because my mums mood is worse than usual because my grandmother is a very negative person and feels that women should be in the house constantly to cook and clean and I don’t do that because I have a job and a social life.
I am about to marry a man who isn’t Indian. My mother is extremely happy for me, more happy that I am having a love marriage and have found someone myself. She is a lovely woman and me and her are alike in many ways, I just wish she wasn’t robbed of her teenage years and got to choose a path that made her happy. There was a time she resented me for my freedom and the life I chose for myself which didn’t include cooking and cleaning but she then realised she didn’t want me to live the life she had.
I also know I can’t ever treat my future husband the way my mother has treated my father. As much as I adore my mother and have a lot of her characteristics, she has taught me what NOT to do in a marriage whereas my father has taught me how to be humble and how to have a big heart.
I love them both dearly though.
#5
In Orthodox Judaism there's no casual dating, no girlfriends and boyfriends. Dates are arranged by family/friends with the explicit purpose of checking each other out to see if they are viable marriage partners without any physical contact. They date for one to three months, then the guy is expected to propose. It varies from family to family, but there are some people that are expected to decide after only a date or three. I am not sure if there are still fully arranged marriages, since Jewish law explicitly forbids it, but I do know that back in Europe many families would arrange for the bride and groom to meet once on the day of the wedding to get around the restriction. Leaders of communities where this was commonplace forbade this practice in modern times, but it's possible that some still practice it.
Pretty much every religious Jew I know (and myself) have gone through this process, called "shidduchim". 95% of couples I know are very happily married. There are some divorces, but it's really far below national average (even for people in their first marriage). I even know of a few who did the whole "one date and engaged" thing and they all seem pretty happy with their choices. I dated for about a month (I think we got together around 10 times and talked on the phone maybe another 4 or 5 times) and had a three month engagement. We've been married nearly a decade and wouldn't change a thing about it.
#6
I got married a month ago to a man I had only spoken to twice when we got religiously married. 9 months later (an engagement period) we were legally married. We were in a long distance relationship on two opposite sides of the country. He visited me twice. I am 19 years old and when I tell people I'm married they are very taken aback. Just yesterday a girl told me that my life is over. But I have to say that I have never been happier. I love my husband very much. He is kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and I don't think I could have found a better man on my own. Thankfully we got along great and had a lot of the same interests. Things we did not agree with took a lot of compromising on both sides.
Another thing I'd like to point out is that when I tell people I'm married they usually assume I'm married to a 40 year old gross guy. When I show them a picture of us they always make it a point to call us a beautiful couple :).
#7
Throwaway account here. We actually don't getting along. Our personalities are complete opposites. I personally like it quite around home and have time to myself, but my husband likes to have guests all the time and it is really annoying. Not to mention that he is messy while I like to keep stuff clean and organized.
#8
I worked with a Nurse from India who was in an arranged marriage. She was very quiet and traditional, for lack of a better word. Her husband quickly acclimated himself to American life much to her discomfort. He wanted her to cut her hair and dress more "like an American girl". She was desperately unhappy and he started drinking which made matters worse. I left to work at another hospital and we lost touch. I have often wondered what ever happened.
#9
I'm of full Indian origin (but living in the UK). My parents got together through an arranged marriage. The whole process would have taken place in the late 80s I guess:
Basically their respective families already kind of knew each other through the grapevine, and so, once my parents reached marriage age, a meeting was set up. In this meeting baseline personal compatibility was established as well as an appraisal of each person's job prospects/family wealth and status. With those boxes checked the wheels started turning and my parents slowly got closer together. They'd see each other several times over the coming year or two (writing love letters too!) and finally an engagement was set.
25 or so years later and they're still married. Are they happy? Honestly, yes and no. They still enjoy each other's company but they've sadly nevertheless become two very different people. Also they are prone to arguing (especially my father, who is quite hot-blooded). That's not to say it wouldn't have happened in a regular 'love marriage' but that's just how things have turned out here. Idk.
#10
So how it works where I'm from, our families vaguely knew each other, so his female relatives decide to come over in order to meet "me" the potential wife. They then go back to him the potential husband and tell him what they saw and what they think. He then decides if he wants to go through with it. If he does they will officially "propose" as in the whole family proposes by then I decide if I want him as a husband or not based on what I "heard" about him. Mind you, at this stage we've never even met. So in my case his family and mine were a good match socially and financially that's important for me. Then his prospects were good as in his age, education, job and physical appearance were to my liking "I had a photo of him". Then we asked around about him checked police station for a record, asked mutual friends about reputation and behavior, all checked out so I agreed to the marriage. So we met one time once we were "offically" married as in the paperwork part was over with. We took a look at each other and exchanged numbers which by the way was considered daring at the time. We spoke daily for a month before the wedding without even meeting then BAM we're married. At the time we were both virgins at 24. I will admit that the first 2 years of marriage was tough because we were just getting to know each other and our personalities were just soooo different. Once we married we moved from the UAE to North Carolina for study purposes and may I just say that American people are so nice our stay there was an absolute delight. Anyhow we've been married now for 10 years with 3 kids and I thank god every day for bringing him to my life.
Reading back on what I write our marriage method sounds crazy but it's absolutely normal where I'm from, my older sister who married 3 years before me met her husband for the first time on her wedding night!! There is of course the occasional case of two people marrying out of love, it happens but it is not the norm and kind of frowned upon.
Just to clarify we come from very well off and educated families, both our fathers are doctors, and we both hold Master Degrees.
#11
One of my friends from high school is in an arranged engagement.
It shocked everyone when we came to school one day and she announced that she was engaged. She was 16 at the time. Apparently at her 16th birthday, her parents asked if she wanted to get engaged to a boy whose family was friends with her family, and she said yes. In her words, "He was hot, so why not?"
She told me she was nervous the first few times they hung out, but now they have been engaged for several years and get along really well. He's super romantic, which she likes a lot. They aren't going to be married for a while, but from what I have heard I think both of them are happy.
#12
My parents and at least 1 of my aunts from my mother's side were in arranged marriages. The aunt was married to my father's cousin. Both are divorced now. My home was a hellhole that I hated coming back to after school.
Note: My grandparents were the ones that arranged the marriage. My mother had very little say in the matter.
My mother was younger than my father, so she was submissive. My father took advantage of it and verbally mistreated her whenever he felt like it. There wasn't any physical violence because he knew enough to not cross that line with her. My siblings and I, however, were fair game. I know that I was a brat as a kid, but when you hit your kid for every mistake, there's something wrong with you. I ended up becoming physically violent towards my siblings. He cheats on my mother frequently and with little regard for any consequences. It happens so often that all my father's and mother's relatives know about it. From my mother being constantly sad to the chaos that happens whenever my father was home, I didn't enjoy my childhood in that house. My mother finally decided to kick him out after he secretly takes all their money (shared bank account) on a trip to south east Asia (he called told us after he arrived there). A nasty divorce followed soon after. Now, they both try their best to not talk or be around one another. Unsurprisingly, pretty much the same thing happened with my aunt.
**tl;dr** Parents were in an arranged marriage. Nasty divorce. They hate each other now. I personally hate by the idea of arranged marriages where either the bride or groom had very little participation in the selection process.
#13
I'm not the one in an arranged marriage but my cousin is.
When he was in college overseas he had a gf but his parents disapproved of their relationship. They then forced him to break up with the girl after he came back.
Some months later our family suggested him to meet my mom's best friend's daughter, who is also my best friend for as long as I can remember. They had met sometimes before in the past (when they attended my birthday parties).
We invited her family to our annual family vacation, and somehow found good excuses to let the couple be alone sometimes. They dated for 5 years, married two years ago and still happy. They give birth to a daughter this year.
**side note: My family initially intended for me to date her but I said she was like a my sister.
Another reason is I'm gay af.
#14
I’ve seen a lot of posts about their parents arranged marriage in this thread. Those stories are 20 or so years old. Let me tell you my story. I got married 6 months back. Some might find it more relatable. This is not a happy or sad story - its just an average true story.
Not a throwaway account, because - well why ??!
I’m from an urban upper middle class family. I’ve completed my post graduation from one of the better colleges in the country and had taken up a job for a year or two when my mom asked if I had any potential guys that I would like to get married. I said no and she said she would start looking. I was 24 then. After being introduced to 7-8 odd guys who kept on rejecting me for some or the other reason, I was tired of the arranged marriage process , where in men wanted a goddess. I had every right to say no to any guy, for what ever reason. Nothing forced – WHAT SO EVER. My parents would try and convince me otherwise so, saying that compromises are required in this process, how ever the final decision was up to me. Let me give you an example, there was this guy who wanted to go ahead but I didn’t like his attitude towards life, he was narrow minded and shallow. My mom convinced me saying that most men are like that. However – I put my foot down and said NO. I kind of manipulated the guy into saying no by telling him a few facts about me that I knew he would not appreciate. Eventually he said no too.
At 28 , I was introduced to a guy (who I eventually married) and liked him instantly over the outlook of his life, he was pretty chilled and had a nice outlook towards life, we spoke over text and calls and met a couple of times before we went ahead and said yes for getting married. We got formally engaged in the next 6 weeks and married in the next 3 months (I know it’s a short period but I myself preferred it that way), we spoke over the phone few times a week, and me a couple of times as well. We had no limitations over how many times we met , in fact both our parents encouraged it. We didn’t bond much during this process even though we were committed. I think it was the mental block that we were not formally in a relationship yet. We wanted to take it slow. But believe it or not , the minute we got married, we bonded like crazy, it was a like everything opened up in that one instant we were officially married. We went on a week long honeymoon which gave us time to get to know each other in a neutral relaxed atmosphere – no stress about families or work or LIFE. Once we were back, we started our work, where in he told me he was required to work from another city for “some” time, I told him to take me along. He refused saying it was not in their company norms. I accepted it. Its been 6 months now and he is still working from another city, he comes home over the weekends. I keep bringing this up and he keeps saying he is helpless and its just a question of another month or so. I still accept it. I have cried a few times over this issue in front of him, he just brushes it away saying “this is life”. This is the kind of compromise that you are expected to make. If I had the balls to demand going along with him, I would totally have done it. Whats point of being married to him but living with his parents? Oh to paint a picture, We live with his parents. We have a bed room to ourselves but in parents in law have their stuff in that room as well, so they walk in and walk out any time. They give us privacy only at nights where in the bedroom door remains locked. Its impolite to keep the bedroom door closed during the day. Just 5 months into our marriage my in laws casually started mentioning about expanding our family and when I was welcoming a “little one” , ya 5 months of living apart and they expected us to start a family!! Totally normal in an arranged marriage.
Coming back to us, we are still getting to know each other, we have a lot of differences and expectations. For example, I like to live a more comfortable life and believe in spending money on experiences/things and going out often. He believes in saving every penny. He believes in staying home and relaxing because “I over work during the week so now I was to chill at home after work”. I work too, but oh well. He spends his free time watch TV or playing video games, he has li’l interest in talking to me or getting to know me , and will do so only if he is in the mood. I had higher expectations on being closer. He says he is too tired to be intimate. He is not very open when it comes to sharing things like his past troubles or finances, but I guess its more of a personality trait. He is kind and patient and sweet, but there are many things that I don’t like about him. For me , I think I had higher expectations from my husband and for him , it was just a tick/check that he had to make in the form of life. Marriage is something that should be “Easy” according to me, but his outlook is , it takes too much effort so he will do the bare minimum that is required to stay married.
I have thoughts about being single again from time to time, but then I remind myself this is what I desperately yearned for – and now I have it , so why am I complaining? There is this stupid outlook that you have to "look happy" for the society, so a lot of people in arranged marriages will make sure they potray themselves as a the happiest couple of the planet, but what goes on in the inside is something only the two are aware of.
In short, its too soon to say whether its been a happy marriage or not. At the moment - I am happy as he is coming back tonight - YAY!!
TL;DR – Arranged marriages are more or less done as a natural progression and the next step in life once you get a job. Its very much a norm where I live in rural as well as urban areas. Its generally not forced. People walk into arranged marriages knowing they have to compromise on every aspect of life. And It takes an entire lifetime to get to know each other. Some end up happy and some end up sad. The ending cannot be linked to whether the marriage is an arranged one or not.
#15
I had my arranged marriage 21 years ago and I am still happy to this day. I am from Pakistan background. Born and raised in the USA. Wife is also Pakistani, but born and raised in Pakistan. I was 21 when I went to Pakistan for a visit. My Mom had been eyeballing my future wife for years since her family was friends with our family. I knew that my Mom had been looking at this girl for me, but I never took it seriously and played it off.
So here I am, 21 yrs old and head to Pakistan for a family visit. The day after I get there, the family of my wife come over for lunch and I see this girl for the first time grown up. Last time I saw her was a visit when she was 11....she is now 18 yrs old when I see her again. Right away, I see how beautiful she is now and my cousin notices this when my eyes nearly pop out of my head. My Mom notices this too. We do not get a chance to talk, besides a basic "hi" due to Muslim cultures and behavior. I am extremely jet lagged so I call it and decide to take a nap. Later that night, my Mom and Dad..and various other extended family, all sit me down and ask me if I was interested in this girl. I said that her was very pretty, but I was not ready for marriage since I was still in college and still young. After about 2 hours of talking and convincing, I said "Ok, lets go for it!"
The NEXT day...we had a engagement ceremony. We then found out that in order to get the paperwork for her visas and stuff to come to the US, we had to be married...so SIX days later, we get a court marriage for the paperwork. Not a full marriage per Muslim cultures, but just the paperwork. Left Pakistan without her, and came back one year later for the final marriage ceremony. Came back to the US with her.
Been 21 years, two kids, and three house...still more love with her each day. We still laugh at each others jokes, we miss time apart. We are still crazy for each other to this day.
#16
My parents are in an arranged marriage, they were moonies (religious Korean cult/church thing) who were arranged in one of those mass weddings.
The process was you go to South Korea, get separated into your age groups, and Rev. Moon (the guy everyone was following, the leader of the church) would simply point to two people. You, and you. Boom. together for life.
Of course they say it was divine inspiration, but I'm not really into that stuff.
I am one of four kids, my parents have been together 28 years, they never fight, they get along and balance each other out well.
They always say Rev Moon must have had a pretty good idea about them both, as they compliment each other's personalities well.
They got lucky, many members were paired with someone who didn't speak their language. Most of my 2nd generation friends in the church are half Japanese.
They also got lucky because I have seen many arranged church pairings that suck and don't work, but they feel for the church and for God and their families etc they need to stay in them. Cue unhappiness, cheating, misery etc.
So all up I say my parents got lucky, they work at their relationship hard and have found success. It didn't work out for all so easily.
Tl;dr: Parents are arranged married, 28 years: happy. + cults are weird.
#17
I married by husband at 17. He was 25. It wasn't a forced marriage, either of us could say no.
It's been 14 years and it's been happy.
#18
I have been married for 5 years now. We are very happy and have a 2.5 year old daughter. I was recovering from a breakup after a serious relationship when my parents sort of forced me into meeting my now-wife.
We met and chatted for a few hours and then spoke maybe a couple of times on the phone before we agreed to get married. At that time, I had a lot of doubts about this working out, but we seem to be very compatible in many ways, more so than in any of the relationships I'd had.
I think arranged marriages can work as long as both partners give it time, and are willing to look past the small things; but then I guess that's true for any marriage.
Happy to answer questions if any.
#19
My parents had an arranged marriage, as did my entire family. I was born in the US, my family came here in the early 80s. When I was in my late 20s, my parents and family came to me asking what I was doing for my future. They wanted to introduce me to a bunch of daughters of family friends who they thought would be a good match.
I noped out immediately, and told the family I would find my own wife. End up creating an account online, finding a beautiful woman, and marrying her 3 years ago.
#20
Lmao also a throwaway
So I'm American, my boyfriend is from Nepal- his family expects him to get married to a nice Nepali girl from his caste. He had been perfectly fine with that idea until he met me. He always figured he'd study in the US, get a job, maybe move to the US maybe not, and then when he's ready his parents will find him someone. He had never been too concerned with dating/girls. Until I came around.
We've been dating a little over a year and his parents still don't know I exist. He was going to tell them until, lo and behold! His sister has an American boyfriend she wants to marry! And her parents took it worse than expected and threatened to disown her if she marries him. The parents say they will find her a man just like her boyfriend- because he's perfect except for the fact he's not Nepali.
However, his older sister found her own boyfriend, who is Nepali and approached her parents and they "arranged" the marriage. And their romance was a rather modern one, they lived together before getting married.
So yeah me and my boyfriend are living in limbo right now- we've only been dating a year and I'm still in school so obviously we don't know if we ever want to get married but I also hate lying to his parents like this.
#21
My parents are in a quasi-arranged marriage. I mean it wasn't quite all set up but their families had talked about them getting married while they were small children and they sort of just did what was expected of them. Both of them got along really well. It was a different era in that the male and female world was pretty separate. My mom just did her stuff and my dad just did his stuff. There wasn't a lot of American style open affection. But a successful marriage by every definition it was and is. I think the point was that they went into the marriage with very little delusion and over romanticization that I see in so many young couples today.
I've been to a couple of my friends weddings and they are setting themselves up for some amazing fairytale of endless love and splendor. Trust me they're all disappointed five years later. I hope to get married someday, but, yo, I'm not going to go into it thinking that it's going to be the greatest experience in the history of the world.
#22
Throwaway, so don't care. I had an arranged marriage. And I live right here in the US. Florida to be precise. Have been married for the past 10 years. It has had its ups and downs.
Background: We are both from Pakistan.
We only talked briefly before marriage, and were married within 3 weeks. It's been good so far. It's difficult to compare with others. Everyone has different circumstances. Happiness in marriage depends upon what you put into it, and what you are willing to put up with. This was my first romantic relationship (and also hers)
Known of several marriages that have broken up in the past 10 years. Didn't matter if they were arranged or "love" marriages. Also know a few who are living miserable married lives. Although, from my point of view, divorce involving kids simply does not seem to work out for Pakistanis living in the US. It leads to even more misery.
Pros (for me):
* Nice stable life. I don't worry about anything (like some of my friends or wife's friends do).
* Intimate life is nice (in Borat's voice). And yes, she got da booty. She do.
* We get along well on most things.
* Let's me do my thing, whatever it is. As long as it is reasonable. No nagging.
* I think she puts 80% into the relationship. I have anger issues. See the list of cons, I let it build up, and it comes out and I blow my top off. Someone else, we would have been divorced many years ago.
Cons:
* She lacks motivation to do anything substantial.
* A pack rat. Has enough clothes, but keeps buying more. Vacations are messy. She will take the max amount of clothes and we have to lug those around. I have quit going on vacations.
* For some reason her new thing is she wont watch old movies. So can't watch anything older than 2015. Its so annoying to find a movie to watch on Netflix or HBO.
* Doesn't quite get the fact that expenses cannot exceed income.
* Takes care of two kids, but acts like she is taking care of 10. Women have been doing this for centuries, this is nothing new. Women do this will full time jobs and long commutes. She doesn't work.
But these are all small potatoes compared to problems I have seen others have. If I had a magic ball and could some how know all of this before hand, I would say I would have still married her. Doesn't mean, I don't fantasize about being married to someone who didn't have that list of cons. Although, I think this is my personality trait. Even if I have a good thing, I wish I had something else. I do this with everything.
#23
My mother in law and sister in law were both arranged and they hated it. Still do. Granted they are happy a little based on their lives now but man would everyone have done it differently.
#24
Potentially not the traditional or even frequently seen examples. But my cousins and an aunt were all married off through arranged marriages by their mothers or my grandmother. Basically, from what I remembered since I was involved in my aunt's many attempted arrangements, a matchmaker would show up and basically give grandma and aunt a photo book of guys with details like age, where he lived, occupation, his family background, number of family members, if he were the oldest/youngest in the family. Grandmother would pick one or two and the entire family would troop off to go meet him and his family. As a kid I just loved the excursions. Aunt ultimately settled for the one guy she could tolerate, he's soft spoken and bends over backwards for her and their kid. One of my cousins found real love after matchmaking, they dated and married like most normal couples so it was essentially an introduction. The other cousin seems to live pretty much independently of her husband, but it works for them.
They all seem decently happy, out of the 3 couples, 1 has a child, 1 is actively trying and the other travel the world. I will say though in all 3 marriages, the men tend to be the more clingy of the pair while the women tend to be a lot more independent and strong-willed.
#25
European with Indian roots here. A little story of a cousin. First off, arranged and forced marriages are different. When asked why I won't give in to arranged marriage, let alone forced (which is not as much a thing as it used to be), I say that it is for people who are not independent, always do what society tells them to do (like sheeple), and have no fire of their own to truly love another person emotionally and to share a life with them. That applies to the majority of cases, as far as my circumstances go, but some still turn out to be great, and better than ever could be. The following case is one from the majority. Said cousin (Europe born, fairly millenial, around 28 at the time, 3/4 years ago) had nothing such as a life. She always clung to mum, and did what mum told her to do. And this is where the problem lies. This problem however wasn't addressed at the start. It was deliberately hidden.
Cometh the preliminary stages of the marriage, the guy thinks to himself "Europe based, middle (if not above middle) class, well settled. I'm 30. She has a job. Why not?" Sure there were more, but those are the first things that come to mind. She's thinking "He's old enough, is ready to move over to Europe, and do what it takes to settle here with me, educated, and quite a strong minded man of my culture. Pourquoi non?" Both parties being content with these prerequisites, the marriage happens. Post marriage, they start procedures of moving the guy to Europe. So far so good.
Fast forward 3 years. The guy is in Europe, getting by with conversion of his degree to enable job hunting, and happy to be here with his wife. They have their own place (owned by her mainly). Just one problem... She may be very obidient to him (as men are predominantly seen as the upper hand in our society), agrees with and does whatever he says. No problem there. HOWEVER, she's still very clung to her mum. Densly religious mum visits them every day, tells them what to do, tells the guy what to do and how to go about their business. A dictator so to say. Initially he's thankful for the "help", but within a few months under her control, he's having none of it. Obviously mum disagrees and even argues "*You should respect and let your elders control what you are doing. Afterall, we have more experience. Have you ever been married? No, right? DUUUH*" And cousin? She's torn between her mum and her husband. He's trying to convince her, to "shoo" away her mum, so that they can have their own life. OBVIOUSLY, cousin can't do that. Then the serious problems start; mainly between Husband and mother in law. Typical mother in law and son in law dynamics you may say, but wait. He and the rest of her family get into huge disputes. They leave him. He's virtually alone in Europe now, and the only family he had doesn't want any of him. Not physical disputes, but still. And all of it concludes with them agreeing to a divorce... BARELY acceptable in Indian standards. My family tries to help out the stranded guy. Rather disrespecting family ties, I still want to hear his side of the story.
You see, in the beginning the guy didn't get a solid chance to properly acquaint himself with said cousin, because IF he had known that she could not live without her mum, that she doesn't have a life, no interest, no desire to do anything outside the house, he would have second thoughts. The mum-daughter dynamics were very prominent to any onlooker, and mum deliberately hid it because she knew things wouldn't work out for her daughter. My point is, in an alternate universe where for some chance, these two met on their own (without the influence of the families and immediate social circle) they would have NEVER clicked, and both would most likely be happy. If it wasn't for the social pressure, this demise could have been avoided. Sure, mum would never have found someone in their right mind for sheltered daughter, but atleast she wouldn't be ruining someone else's life either.
Luckily, the guy has now managed to stay in Europe with a job he got after all these disputes, but unless the divorce completes, he barely has a chance to spend his life with someone else. Perhaps this is not the most convincing of stories as to why AMs are not for a lot of us, but it did enlighten something that I have feared; hiding family members' true natures just to effect the marriage. Sure, it can happen with non AMs too, but then it really becomes your problem, perhaps because no one pressured you into doing it, and so you should have tried your level best to find these out.
Tl;Dr - Mum ruins very sheltered daughter's marriage because she doesn't want to leave her alone with husband. He has had enough, and now they're parting. He told me, if he had known in prior that mum-daughter dynamics were like that, he would never have agreed to this. Lost a few years of his life to this nonsense. My point; would never have happened if the two had ever met on their own (like you do in the west).
#26
Had a classmate who was Pakistani Muslim who was in a pre-arranged marriage. It didn't last. Her parents forced her, she said she didn't want to be in it. She didn't like the guy, but had to honor parents wishes so she went through with it anyway telling them it won't end well. 2 years later, she's divorced, she told them so, and now her parents have to deal with the shame of having a divorced daughter under 25. She still rocked the Hijab in the classroom. Pretty cool chick.
#27
Not in an arrange marriage but was close to being in one and know a few who went through it
* Son of family friend agreed to an arranged marriage for convenience. The deal was that they will be married 2-3 years migrate to AU or CA (the woman has citizenship) and then quietly divorce. The woman fell in love with the guy and got herself pregnant to lock him the rel. So far I know they are still together. (lot of drama on this story)
* I was asked multiple times as a kid if I would open to marrying the son of a family friend/s. One of them was a pastors son and since back then we lived sheltered lives, they thought wed be compatible. Thankfully nothing went through.
* I was asked by a mother of a coworker to agree to an engagement and marriage with her son for VISA/Citizenship purposes. The Coworker was the bestfriend of my Ex. I actually had a crush on this dude once. I declined, because I knew I would have fell in love with him and he also had a GF he was with for 5 years. He loved her so much, I didnt want to ruin it and get my heart broken. His mom was worried that given the recession his son wont find a decent career to support himself , hence the arrange marriage and migrate to the US. Good news is, he got a job in finance later on and is now doing VERY well. He married his GF, had 2 kids and is very happy.
#28
The success of an arranged marriage depends a lot on the two parties' relationships with their parents. If your parents are close to you and know you very well, and are honest about your good points and bad points, it can go at least as well as any other marriage, or even better. If you present a totally different side to your parents than to everyone else (or you aren't close with them), it might go terribly. Note that arranged marriage isn't forced marriage: both parties have to consent.
My parents vaguely knew each other (my dad's circle and my mom's brother's circle were close), and my mom had rejected a match that my grandfather thought would be ideal. She liked my dad enough, and they had tons in common. They did fight a lot when I was growing up, even compared to other parents in similar situations, but I've now realized that was mostly stress over immigrating and raising two kids without any family help. My friend's parents also had an arranged marriage but seemed to fight less, but they were also wealthier and had less stress. In the end, my parents are quite happy with one another; I will say that my mom had a stroke and her personality has changed a lot after that, and my dad says he misses the more confident person she was before, so I know that they actually are pretty well matched. My parents go through so much to please each other, even if they don't say "I love you" like a white family would. In fact, I've learned more about what a true and honest relationship looks like through my parents than my SO's dad and stepmother--there are so many secrets going on in that marriage that it makes me sick. They tell each other that they love one another, but they never sacrifice so that the other is happy.
Arranged marriages can go wrong, but recovery can happen if the families recognize that the marriage was a mistake--not everyone shuns the divorced. My parents were close friends with a Muslim family when they first immigrated to America. They found a match for their daughter that sounded ideal, and she consented to the match. A year into the marriage, she finds out he and his family lied about everything from his education to the fact that he was a convicted felon. He was violent to her, and her family made sure to annul the marriage and find her a new husband. She's now married again and quite happy. Likewise, I know of a lady who was physically mistreated by her husband for years; she got a divorce, spent a long time single, and then married her white coworker--her mom is thrilled with her new son in law. Don't get me wrong, divorce is still a major taboo in the South Asian community, but many of us don't take too kindly to toxic situations.
For myself, I'd never commit to an arranged marriage, as I'd want to know a person for years before I marry them. Upon first meeting, everyone tries to be impressive; only by knowing someone for a while would I trust them to show their true self.
#29
My parents live in the US, mom actually had to come over to marry him. Close to 30 years later they're still together. Idk if I would say happy but they are content with each other.
#30
I had a terrible experience with an arranged marriage. I was strongly debating whether I should post this but made this throwaway account if it could help others in the future.
We met our future in-laws soon after we landed and we thought they were nice and their daughter appeared to be what everyone was looking for. They appeared intimidatingly wealthy but seemed nice enough to both of us. Their daughter was educated abroad and was a working professional which was what I was looking for. After the first meeting they were very insisted to get us married asap. I wanted more time to get to know her but they somehow convinced my dad who joined their side to get me married as quickly as possible. My dad became aggressive and unwavering in his decision and I finally broke after 2 weeks of pressure. Once I agreed, my in-laws attitude changed completely. They were negative, critical and condescending and limited how we could organize the events. They were restrictive on who could attend our ceremonies and which dates they would be held on. During the whole wedding, we barely saw my wife, who couldn't even come out to pick her outfits.
Once coming back home, my mother-in-law would constantly call to criticize my family or our wealth. We found these quite odd behavior when trying to create a new relationship. She was dumbfounded by how we grew up without drivers or maids and would ask if she could send one over to us. She would criticize my mom's choice of clothes on our wedding day even after we insisted that we never packed thinking we were going to hold a wedding there. When my wife first came to our home, before saying hi or hello, she was asking my mom for money, when I had already gave her access to a joint account. Soon after my mother-in-law called my mom asking if they'd look after all her treatment, later telling us she has a number of chronic illnesses.
My wife was pretty much an absentee member of the family. she would wake up after 1pm, would come down for a short few minutes and not spend any time with any of my family members. She would go upstairs immediately and would lie constantly about everything that was wrong in the house or how someone would have snubbed her here. She would throw tantrums and slam the door or walk out of the house without telling anyone. She would also spend most of the day arguing with her mom over the phone. When meeting friends or family she would make no effort to talk to them and would be playing candy crush on her phone. She would constantly disrespect aunts and uncles and then cause arguments here. Any responses we made would turn into a bigger argument where all her extended family members would get involved over the phone. One argument could last 4-5 hrs of arguing a day.
We finally decided as a family that this isn't right for us. We looked at the past year as mediation between the families that didn't work under irreconcilable differences. We all filed for divorce. However my in law's couldn't accept it. Before even trying to rectify the issues with us they began spreading rumors all around us and calling up all our family friends in neighboring states. The kept getting third parties to make us reconsider to make the marriage work. Our one question was that if she was suffering so much here, why are they against the divorce and wanting us to stay together? It was a tough year but finally my parents are off my back for an arranged marriage. I wouldn't recommend it unless you've known the family for decades.
#31
My former boss was in one.
It worked out very well. Her family and her husband's family were pretty generous about the whole thing, it wasn't between her specifically, just that they arranged dates between children and grandchildren. They didn't want it to be loveless so they were all "Are you two really sure?" and her future inlaws even said if she wanted to back out they were fine with it.
They have been married for almost 40 years now.
#32
Super late to the party, but I'ma add my story because my wife and I are both (very) white Americans, born and raised, and from looking at some of the top comments here, that's not at all typical.
Super ridiculously short abridge version is I want to get married, but didn't know any one and to hell with dating because any women I was going to get along with was more than likely taken a long time ago and certainly didn't exist in the part of the world I was in at the time, so I took advantage of one of the weekly times my mother asked me if I had "met anyone" to tell her to find me a women to marry. She's crazy enough that she didn't even need any convincing (to my slight surprise--I had a whole thesis prepared to convince her with) and began asking people she trusted if they knew anyone. Couple weeks later a long time friend of our family is telling me about this girl my age she knows and thinks that honestly, we're probably about perfect for each other as two people can reasonably expect to get. So I agree to her informing the girl (the friend of our family was also a long time friend of the girl's) who is quite taken aback at the idea of getting the message of basically "hey here's this random guy who's looking for a wife, I think you two would make a good couple, what do you think?", but she decides to cautiously "be friends" and see where this goes. 4 weeks later we had exchanged over 10,000 Facebook messages, and two weeks after that we knew we were going to get married. wedding happened 11 months after we were made aware of each other's existence.
As for the being married part, it's fantastic! She's an amazing women and we get along really well to the point I'm pretty sure we were made for each other. We have some disagreements every so often like every couple, but we thoroughly enjoy having each other.
We had only been around each other for a week and a half before our wedding (long distance relationship), but our love for each other has only grown in the three years we've been married, and that's a major point for why I'm an advocate for arranged marriages like this: we decided to get married because we got along and made good friends, not because "we were in love", and because of that our marriage is based off of our friendship and not off of the emotional type of love which is prone to grow and wane depending on the day/mood/recent events/stars aligning/whatever, so our relationship is extremely stable. That's not to say we don't have the emotional kind of love for each other (we do, and it's only grown more the longer we've been married), just that that is not the *foundation* for our marriage.
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What do you think ?
Annie Persson 5 hours ago
I think there is a huge difference between arranged and forced marriages. I think proper arranged marriages is sort of like using your parents as a very selective dating app that wants the best life for you. But as soon as they start saying/hinting/threatening someone to marry the person they have found for you, that slides quickly into forced territory and is no longer okay
Littlemiss 1 hour ago
Yes my understanding of them is the families meeting first, then the couple do. I have known a few people who were married through arranged marriage and they told me if they didn't like the men then their families would have backed away from it.
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Ben Aziza 3 hours ago
People should not be treated like a farmer breeding cattle. It is not the "russian roulette" aspect of it. For me, there is something fundamentally creepy about two families setting one member each together and going: "You two fk and make kids now, make sure they too do the same"
David Paterson 4 hours ago
Australian of British ancestry here. Our parents introduced us so that counts as an arranged marriage. Our families had previously known one another for over 40 years but we had never met before. This wasn't an instant thing, I was already married but separated when we met so had to wait for the divorce. Much better than my earlier marriage which was a love match. I totally recommend arranged marriages, parents have a much better and more objective perspective on who would be a good match. We've celebrated our 30th anniversary. We like to joke that we're each the boy/girl that our parents warned us about!
Annie Persson 5 hours ago
I think there is a huge difference between arranged and forced marriages. I think proper arranged marriages is sort of like using your parents as a very selective dating app that wants the best life for you. But as soon as they start saying/hinting/threatening someone to marry the person they have found for you, that slides quickly into forced territory and is no longer okay
Littlemiss 1 hour ago
Yes my understanding of them is the families meeting first, then the couple do. I have known a few people who were married through arranged marriage and they told me if they didn't like the men then their families would have backed away from it.
Load More Replies... Ben Aziza 3 hours ago
People should not be treated like a farmer breeding cattle. It is not the "russian roulette" aspect of it. For me, there is something fundamentally creepy about two families setting one member each together and going: "You two fk and make kids now, make sure they too do the same"
David Paterson 4 hours ago
Australian of British ancestry here. Our parents introduced us so that counts as an arranged marriage. Our families had previously known one another for over 40 years but we had never met before. This wasn't an instant thing, I was already married but separated when we met so had to wait for the divorce. Much better than my earlier marriage which was a love match. I totally recommend arranged marriages, parents have a much better and more objective perspective on who would be a good match. We've celebrated our 30th anniversary. We like to joke that we're each the boy/girl that our parents warned us about!
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